If a Man Wants You

something I found in passing...


If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.

If he doesn’t want you, nothing can make him stay.

Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.

Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that’s not meant to be.

Slower is better.

Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.

If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can’t "be friends."

A friend wouldn’t mistreat a friend.

Don’t settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.

Don’t stay because you think "it will get better." You’ll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.

The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

Avoid men who’ve got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn’t marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?

Always have your own set of friends separate from his.

Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.

If something bothers you, speak up.

Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

You cannot change a man’s behavior. Change comes from within.

Don’t EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god.

He is a man, nothing more nothing less.

Never let a man define who you are.

Never borrow someone else’s man.

Oh Lord! If he cheated with you, he’ll cheat on you.

A man will only treat you the way you allow him to treat you.

All men are not dogs.

You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two-way street.

You need time to heal between relationships...There is nothing cute about baggage.

Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.

You should never look for someone to complete you. A relationship consists of two whole individuals. Look for someone complimentary, not supplementary.

Dating is fun; even if he doesn’t turn out to be Mr. Right.

Make him miss you sometimes. When a man always knows where you are, and you’re always readily available to him — he takes it for granted.

Don’t fully commit to a man who doesn’t give you everything that you need.

Keep him in your radar but get to know others.



Share this with other ladies.
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You’ll make someone smile, another rethink her choices, and another woman prepare.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, and an entire lifetime to forget them.

Via here.

The Open Marriage Argument

I know the topic of open marriages can be spoken about until ears bleed... but I thought this was quite an interesting read. Especially with the idea of forever for me getting closer and closer by the payment, I mean day. :)

But this topic of open marriages has created some very interesting dialog. And raises questions and concerns... like are we just talking a sexual relationship? Is it "just sex" or full on relationships outside of your union?

I think while women would more than likely seek that romance of a full-blown love affair (when hubbies get too comfortable and stop rubbing feet, sending random flowers and watching her favorite show with her) men would more often seek a physical getaway (she gives good head, or does things the wife won't do)... or at least that's what would begin to develop on both side. But (and excuse me if my "newlywed" is showing but) couldn't this be something to incorporate into your marriage already with just the two of you? Try a little more outside-the-box activity in the bedroom. New places, new position, role play, devices? Create date nights where you court each other and flirt and cuddle like when you were dating with/without children?

And speaking of the children, could you do this without the knowledge of your children? How? Doesn't this require a lot of energy?

I truly do not like to share. And I would hope the mere idea of another man caressing, flirting with, kissing, penetrating and nibbling me would drive my husband so insane he wouldn't want something like that to come between us... but is that then how the Open Marriage turns volatile? Where it's no longer an honest discussion and open discussion and now considered adultery. What say you?

"Could you see yourself engaging in an open relationship? If so, what types of rules would you impose on such an arrangement?"

Will Open Relationships Cure the "Great Black Love Scare?"

Ex-Wives and (Step) Children...

When I was 21 I said I would never date a man with kids because I didn't want to deal with the drama that was their mommas... or disciplining.. or any of that shit. But then again, I also said I would never be in debt or date a white man... so what I'm saying is, things change.

A decade later, I find myself marrying my best friend. He's a beautiful, loving man with a
child..... and I must say it's everything I thought it would be. Like I assumed, it's not like on TV where everyone is not bitter, blended and loving and inclusive. And it's a weird adjustment. And it sucks cause I don't have anyone (with sense) to really ask if THIS should be happening or how I should handle THAT... or am I just bein RBGish and overreacting.

So I try to play each situation by ear. Yeah, well, I'm off beat and outta tune like a mf'er... *sigh*

Ya'll pray for me. LBVFS!

The Glory

"I can't study war. No, no. I can't study war. I did it for the glory." ~K. West

There's something about doing girly things like drinking Pinot, wrapped up in your favorite blanket, watching Project Runway that just makes a girl want to blog. So here I am. Hello. =)

This blog has been in the works for ohhh *checks calendar* just ova month now. I wanted it to be "perfect" but finally figured I would release it "as is" since now three people have asked where this blog post is. I apologize. I've been rather busy... wedding planning. Yes, world. Future and I are (finally) getting married. :)

Last month, as a birthday present -- and vacation -- I took Us to Mexico. And on his birthday, my "yes," to "Will you be my wife?"
was his present. He proposed on his birthday. So now, little does he know, his birthday will now forever be known as the day we got engaged. LBVS...

We're not going to have a long engagement. We've known each other since we were toothless and our relationship as adults has grown exponentially in the last two years so we didn't feel there was a need to waste any more time. So I am glad we were in agreement on that. But my idea of just going downtown and reading generic vows didn't go over well. *Gong!* But I was so ready to do so... like Nora said, "When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." (When Harry Met Sally)

But he convinced me that a celebration in front of our closest friends and families is what we deserved to culminate our life together.... so that's what we're doing. In spring. What better season to celebrate a marriage of friends like Us. Spring: rebirth, new life, growth, renewal and purity... it's almost enough to make me cry.... again. Spring is also when we got together. So it seemed only fitting to solidify our single anniversary by marrying and making it an "official" anniversary. One Jehovah and my new mother-in-law will actually recognize. Word on the street is she gives great anniversary presents. Shhh!

On Forward Progress ... 0 to 60
I always thought life would feel the same after we're married. Like when you're already doing most of what married couples do, you'd think once the paper is signed, it feels the same but now I am not so sure. There's a different vibe in our home now that we're even engaged. A great one. Don't get me wrong, it was nice before, but feeling it all come together is very sobering. Relaxing, even. I'm proud of how far we've come together and confident in the growth still to come. And believe it or not, I wouldn't have wanted to do it any other way.

I knew then, but understand now, why everything happens for a reason. There's a time, place and space for everything.

On Being The Bride....
I haven't (yet) become Bridezilla. I've kept it very calm and sane. That's partly due to the fact that I only have one person in my "bridal party:" my sister. She's also my maid of honor. I didn't want to deal with trying to figure out who should be in my wedding. And who shouldn't. Doing a hierarchy of my friendships and close acquaintances... or putting people in the wedding because I was asked to be in theirs or any of that ish. I just wanted her. The one person who I know will always ride or die... talk out conflict and do what is necessary without complaint.. to my face lol.

I also commissioned my first cousin as my wedding planner. She's fabulous, detailed and amazing. The hall is booked and being paid off. The dress is chosen. The save the dates, sent. The invitations, in development and the menu, decided. Flowers, favors and centerpieces, in process. All we have to do is pay our vendors and show up.

It's almost like I thought this day would never come... but here it is practically November and every day I come to terms with the fact that she will finally be his wife.... and it makes me smile.

Miles Away From Ordinary.

My Time....

Life is too short.... don't waste anymore time on fake friendships, old lovers with bad intentions, negativity or stress. Choose to surround yourself with people who are loyal to you, to whom your happiness is important and don't treat you as a second choice.

It's hard for me to see someone in the same light when I am slighted or wronged. Don't hold grudges but move on and learn from it, instead.

I just want to thank my Earth, Wind and Fire Pandora station for gifting me with this Smokey Song I'd never heard... WOW!



The Agony & Ecstacy

By: Smokey Robinson

What's it all about, this crazy love
How did our two worlds entwine?
How do I fit in to your life?
How did you get into mine?
I belong to someone else we know...

Back when first we met
Oh, we thought for fun
One night together might be nice
Oh...oh...but fun turned into love for both of us
So now we pay forbidden lover's price

Oh, 'cause love like ours is never, ever free (Free)
You pay some agony for the ecstasy (For the ecstasy)
Oh, love like ours is never, ever free (Free)
You got to pay some agony for the ecstasy (For the ecstasy), oh:oh:

Nights when you're alone, you know that I
Laid with someone else beside me
Oh, but you love me still and I love you
You know I would no matter where I'd be

Hey, but love like ours is never, ever free (Free)
You got to pay some agony for the ecstasy (For the ecstasy)
Oh, love like ours is never, ever free (Free)
We got to pay some agony if we wanna have ecstasy (For the ecstasy), oh...
Hey, got to pay some agony
If we wanna have an ecstasy, yeah:eah:
And we need each other desperately, don't we, baby
And I'll never from you be free, no, no
So you'll have to do the leavin' me, yeah
And you'll have to do the leavin' me, oh, baby
'Cause I'm gonna pay the agony, yeah
'Cause, oh, lovin' you is ecstasy, that's what it is
And I'm willin' to pay the price, oh
'Cause I'll make it a sacrifice, oh, yes, I will
And I'll never, never, never, never, never, never, never be free
From agony.

The After Vacation Blues

Coming back from vacation is always such a drag. I'm thinking from now on I should take it from Wednesday to Wednesday and use those last two days attached to a long weekend.... Cause I've been back from Mexico two weeks and I'm not adjusted and feel like someone ran me over. And then backed up and rolled over me in reverse! Lawd! And Mexico was sooooo relaxing. Six days of fun in the sun...7-day forecast said it would rain everyday and it only did twice.... At night. When it was just right to do that. The next vacation I take in March I'll take time to vacay and readjust to life.

Life's been busy... Crazy, hectic and planning left and right. I've got a couple things in the works... And I'm gonna need my energy to do it all. I feel a mental health day coming on!!

RBG PSA

We interrupt this blog gap to bring you this RBG Public Service Announcement:

Ladies, if he omits the little things because he don't wanna hear your mouth... the big things don't stand a f*ckin chance. In his head, you're not his wife. You're not even his best friend.

Real talk.

The Lie of Omission:

A lie of omission is to remain silent when ethical behavior calls for one to speak up. A lie of omission is a method of deception and duplicity that uses the technique of simply remaining silent when speaking the truth would significantly alter the other person's capacity to make an informed decision.

Word.

The Final Marriage Blog

"RBG, you're the woman men wanna date.... not the one they end up marrying. You're beautiful and funny, and resolve conflict easily..... you're not a 'rah-rah' girl"

..... well, damn.

On Dating Your Future Husband
For just a moment on the night of March 26th... I thought I was getting engaged.

It was then and still remains the one problem with being in the head over heels and dating in love stage. When you know you're with your future, every romantic evening you wonder will that be the one. I've not been in love like this in quite some time. And I realize how much I missed it.

The last time I was in love *like this* I was 16.
Not including my sun of course. I mean like love of a man... not of my blood. But I finally had to admit: I'm anxious. There. I said it.

And every milestone I wonder, why didn't it happen... then. Forget my uncle's big birthday bash -- the first large family event he escorted me to. Forget that our 2-year anniversary came and went. Forget my birthday, and random Hallmark holidays.... they came and went.

On The Exhaustion...

Warning: I'm in a sentimental mood... missing my dad like crazy.

Honestly? I'm this.close to being exhausted of the marriage idea: when it's gonna happen, why hasn't it happened for me, blogging about marriage... but it's all I can think about. (Dramatic). But really... it's everywhere: in my mailbox, on Facebook, in my family, on TV, in every old acquaintance asking "so what's been new with you? Married? Kids?" *sigh* Even if I was trying NOT to think about it.. it's in my face.

Plus the holidays always bring about a flood of wedding engagements and 2010 and 2011's holidays were no different. Three ladies I know, two Sorors and a Friend/Colleague all were proposed to on New Year's Eve and Christmas, respectively. And recently one more Soror got engaged and another just announced she was married. One of the fiance's said: "I want you to be a bridesmaid... but I know you'll say 'no'." Damn right I will! I'm tired of being a bridesmaid or "single" guest at every wedding I attend! (Often times people don't even let me bring a guest... just cause I'm not married I gotta come stag? Word?!) I thought the biological clock ticked for CHILDREN... well, I have my one and he's quite enough. I guess (as God intended) marriage and children are a combo deal. I'm missing a piece and my now 31 year old heart and soul is starting to feel it.

All my friends put up pics of them proudly flashing their rings to broadcast their happiness and it got me to seriously thinkin about the importance of that piece of jewelry. Seeing as how I've had serious conversations of a man's WANT to marry ME being the most important part of engagement over anything... how/where it's done or what he slides on to the left ring finger all be damned, but it's really something to have that feeling... no pressure, no shot guns, just good ol fashioned, "I really don't think I can do this life shit well without YOU." Now THAT'S something.

So when my friend who was so blunt to tell me I wasn't the 'rah-rah' girl asked: "Why don't you just propose to him?" I chuckled. After all... the whole reason behind a man proposing to a woman is because it's generally understood that women want to get married. Whereas men need some .... coaching.

When I was first proposed to I was 16 years old. And I don't mean on paper "Will You Marry Me" but he bought a ring, took me to a park and poured out his soul to me and then presented a cute little ring with a tiny diamond for which he spent the whole summer earning hundreds of dollars for. It was the most romantic thing I'd ever seen. I miss that feeling. Miss that want... I still have a poem about it. I cherished that ring for many years. It was the thought behind it, for me... It was simple.classic.elegant and represented a stage of life for us. Simply put: it was quite perfect for a 15 y/o boy to have picked out on his own.

But alas, engagements 1.5 / weddings 0 (the half really doesn't need a paragraph)

I know the history behind the Circle and it's symbolism as it pertains to marriage... I know why men get down on the left knee. But what does the diamond mean? Why is that lil thing so important?? You know the HISTORY of the diamond? A couple years back, a friend of mine got a ring for a Christmas present. A very pretty ring set in white gold with a pink stone and tiny diamond clusters. She's been waiting on her boyfriend to pop the question for a while... Seven yrs in fact. When she showed me the picture I was ecstatic. YAY! He proposed. "Girl, no. That is not an engagement ring."

*swamp sounds* "Well it certainly is pretty." I didn't understand. What was to stop that from being an engagement ring? If you really want to marry someone, but don't have the ends to purchase the ring (his excuse for why he hasn't done it) you want is it so wrong to be nontraditional with certain things? Get creative? What if you have a non-traditional girlfriend? Do you still try to traditionalize the moment or make it something special for the TWO of you. Who cares what society thinks!? ....sorry, tangent.

We spend our money on what we want to... if a man wants to buy an engagement ring he'll make it priority. If he doesn't want to buy an engagement ring, he'll buy shoes and trips and shit... for those fortunate enough to not have a gang of bills (UNlike me lol)... you have the luxury of making your own rules... what's important and what's not. My friend's Facebook status some months back was:

2k11 year of the reality check: If you 25 and older and have been dating someone for 5 years or more and are not engaged to be married... press pause give your relationship a reality check ... don't take 5 years heck don't take 1 but I will give 2 years just to be nice... waste no more time... ppl don't want to hear it but here it is and I am keeping it real....

And this convo developed into something about what else... jewelry (for some reason people always equate wedding to jewelry *smh*) Ex.H.I.T. used to always say to me... "don't take all day to recognize Sunshine..." Now while that relationship was flawed beyond belief... didn't he have a point? I've heard that from various men.. men in my life who've married, men on radio programs, that they know exactly if they want to marry you or not... early! So what does that say about the very long relationships?

The point is.... Now that I am a little older (and exhausted) I am starting to understand that the ring.... well that's easiest part. I'm realizing a man could keep the ring, if only I knew he genuinely loved me so much he wanted to be with me forever, officially. Not with me and continually texting/tickling an ex, not with me but meeting up with random potty-mouth, non-elegant females when I'm not looking... not with me but getting aroused by other means. Just.me. And maybe I'm naive for thinking that's possible... but I don't feel like it. I still feel like it's possible. I feel like I'm there.... just need a lil nudge in the proper direction... perhaps. (The "he" in this example is general.)

Because I'm NOT a "rah-rah" girl...
I have no desire to call or message females and ask them what they're doing texting, sucking or fucking my man. I have no desire to act a fool in public. I have no desire to throw things and yell to resolve conflict. I just wanna be loved. And love in return. I want to be faithful and know he's being faithful to me. I don't wanna act out in spite because he can't get right. *cues TLC's "Creep"*

So that leaves me in Limbo
I know you shouldn't measure success on marriage.... I was just granted quite a prestigious promotion at work, I have two guys who love me every day, solidly, I have a nice house, a truck and bills out the wazoo that I can pay.... most days lol... so why do I feel so incomplete? When life is going fairly well?

This is gonna be my last blog for a while... and my last on marriage as a single woman. Because at the end of the day, while I can't control it being all around me, I can at LEAST try to concentrate on other things... it's not like I ain't got shit goin on! I won't let the idea that I haven't been great enough consume me. Especially when so many non-great people marry every day. lol It's you; not me.

I simply have to remember that what is for me.... will be.

Just Saying Hello...

I'm working on a very large piece.... like so large I'ma need a lot of pics to make you feel like it's not that large. A lot of truths are gonna be revealed for me. Some people, myself included, probably aren't gonna like it. But it's all got to come out or something bad's gonna happen. ...well, not bad...that sounds dangerous.

To my silent partners/readers and snoopin ex boyfriends who read this blog: I'm still here.

I'm very well... I could be better. But couldn't we all?

Until the return..... keep smiling!

~*RBG*~

This LIFE....is what you make it.

RBG Note: This is a blog originally started on March 21... and never finished or posted. It infuses stories from about 3 other unfinished pieces since then (see ya'll, I am often compelled to write, I just don't finish most of the time).

As I sat down at my uncle's 60th birthday celebration, Future by my side I smiled and began to think THIS is the year my life begins to change. For the better. I felt it then. I feel it today. Every day I'm smiling (with the exception of these last couple depressed weeks). I don't take the non-serious things as serious. I am finding fulfillment in everything around me and if there IS none, I'm deading the situation and placing myself in a better one. I am claiming the happiness I want and taking it for myself. Speaking up for it, fighting for it if I must. Showing the problems, the Devil, my adversity who's boss. I finally feel GROWN.

Don't get me wrong, I have always been full grown, but now that I understand how to BE grown, it's like the newest level of grown there is. And I adore it. While going to drop off my truck in the body shop a couple weeks back an old familiar tune played through my speakers. Oh how I miss Dave Hollister. His lil deep hood tunes that I couldn't really connect with so much then, I feel to my core now. I understand what he was singing about...

"Seeing you reminds me of, all the nights I useta beat it up...I would do it again, but I can't. See everything is different now, I done finally settled down.. I became a one-woman man." ~D. Hollister

There comes a time in every relationship where the people who comprise it want to do right and be right within that relationship........... right? I realize we have different experiences with every person... well I have finally accepted that now... after a conversation with my dear friend and Frat brother. We were talking about exes and I asked did he think it would be DIFFICULT to let go of an ex you had such an extensive of a history when you have such a positive future in your presence.

“That is what makes it difficult to completely release people you truly have loved because there is a small list of things that only that person can really do well for you no matter what anyone else does. And nobody on earth will ever understand it except you and that person…” ~Blue

I have spent my adult dating life trying to be everything for the man I'm with... and I realized today that's not gonna happen. I must accept that my Future is going to have memories of past... as am I... especially if there's a child involved but more so when you were in love.... like really in love... it may be harder to let go than we like to put on or admit. But I'm glad to be at D. Hollister status.... where a person can remind us of good times but we remember what we have at home... and how we want to build on that before we text back, flirt back, call or fuck.. when do we get to THAT level? What we gotta do to STAY there?

Cause um grown... I ain't letting NOBODY mess this life up. You either in it to win it or you gotta get gone too... by any means necessary...

"ANYBODY can get it... in.this.bitch!" LOL (Reference: I Wanna Work for Diddy)

*walks off singing* My life, my life, my life my life... in the sunshine!

#notsorandom

Friends Come.....

(REAL) friends don't go.

Over my lifetime, I've not lost too many people I considered REAL friends. And the few I have lost, I wondered what the underlying issue really was. At the end of 2009 I lost someone who'd I thought was a really good friend. We'll call her UV (Ukrainian Village). We had really become close through my BFF when we all worked at the newspaper in college. I was her boss our senior year and from there we just kinda blossomed... 9 years later she was helping me move my sun and I into our house. I had NO idea that two months later when she lost her job our "friendship" would go somewhere it couldn't come back from. We remained Facebook friends for several months after she cursed and cried into the phone at me... but when we were supposed to bring it back to center and that never happened... I finally just had to cut her loose.

Recently, I've had to do this again. And while it's painful. I'd rather have people in my life who can talk to me about ANYTHING even if it's something that may hurt my feelings than have you filter or shelter your feelings around and/or about me. I'm a Capricorn and therefore a pretty shoot from the hip individual. Everything I say you're probably not gonna like. There WILL be situations I could handle better. But at the end of the day, I'm a loyal and devout FRIEND... give it to you off my back or my last (so long as the boy is fed and clothed) kinda friend. And those are the same friends I seek. Granted, I'm not looking... but anyone who's in my life understands that EVEN if we do have a confrontation, or hell -- just a straight bitch fest -- tomorrow (or at least in a couple days) that shit is water under a damn bridge. We're gonna talk about it and move.the.eff.on.

The last thing I expect to do (or should have to do) is have to work real hard to get that friend to talk to me or hear me out. Cause I wouldn't do that to him/her. And I'm not gonna take our personal business to a third party and ESPECIALLY not a social network cause how disrespectful to you. But I supposed if you're a so-called friend, what do you care of how you handle it. *shrug*

I'm not perfect... I've never claimed to be... but I am 30-f*cking-1... and I just can't continue to try to make things WORK with people who claim to care for me... and be the only one. I wouldn't do it for my significant other... and I'm not gonna do it for you. I'm gonna handle things like an adult. I wish everyone who has ever entered my life and had to leave the very BEST. I mean that. Hell, I've even wished EXES (who didn't deserve it) well in life.. And I will miss (most of) them... but I can't continue to struggle. And I won't. If you can't fight for our friendship. Why should I?

In the meantime, I'm SO thankful to the people in my life who get me... know I'm here to want and hope for the absolute best for them and knowing that they have the same regard, and respect for me.

Not so random... but hopefully only the REALEST are left standing...

Blogger's B-L-O-C-K....??

All these thoughts with no direction in my head...what gives man?!

Make up, Workouts, Married Life, and Bills

HELLO!

I am so terrible for the infrequent postings I know. Life gets so busy, but I'm gonna do better to make sure I post at least twice a month. Then maybe.... Just maybe.... people will start replying :-). Aaaanywho, I've been so happy in 2011. Like for real, even with a job on my nerves, owing money I really needed to the IRS, a car accident (little fender bender don't worry) like seriously, I am so at peace with home life, all else just manages to irritate me for the moment and then fall by the wayside. And for that I am thankful.

So that money issue has held up the flight to Florida I was to take with my sun to celebrate my homegirl's kid's birthday. That trip though, had sparked an incessant need to get my body together so I could at LEAST BE THE SAME SIZE I WAS WHEN WE WENT IN 2009. But because I procrastinate I didnt get into the action part of the plan until *checks claendar* 13 days ago. The honey and I kicked off March with Dr. Ian's Fat Smash Detox... And we made it! A fantastic accomplishment seeing as how I bought that book originally like 4-5 years ago and have never successfully completed the detox portion. So mister man, even though it was more work to prepare two sets of vegetarian meals, is like a good luck charm. Perhaps I'll keep him around for a lifetime.

So, because I am a procrastinator (how many times have I mentioned that?) I did not start working out until the seventh. But have been pretty consistent with both the workouts and the eating plan since and I must say I'm feeling a lot like the old fit me already. Even if I don't look like fit me yet ... No really. In fact, my thighs look like a cottage cheese supplier. My goal is to look as good as I begin to feel ... Naked. And working out is like a gift and a curse because I'm still in the very early stages and already my mommy pooch is starting to lessen but that being smaller draws my attention to my thighs and glutes which are laden with fat that looks scrumptious in my jeans, but when I have on a thong they look a mess to me... at certain angles. OH COME ON.. y'all should know by now I'm too confident to admit it ALL looks a mess!!

And that will also help with my Girly Gangster Initiative. "What's that RBG?" Well I am glad you asked. I have several things in place/in the works to get to the Me I will be for the rest of my life. Things on that list include everything from small pieces like applying a little concealer to my imperfections, finding the perfect mascara, pampering myself every now and again, learning how to style my own hair (thanks YouTube) in efforts to look (and more importantly FEEL) great even when I have some new growth, to bigger fish like getting my weight and fitness level in order, keeping my house in tact, and onward and upward in my spirituality and secured family life.

But because I have BILLS out my ears, I have to do all this for the cheap. Which is why I've taken to cheating on my man, and have become a bit of a Groupon slut. And I have several initiatives in place to help me with my goal. Everything from a "congratulations" facial, to the cheapest 2-month gym membership ever (just enough time to dodge the crazy Chicago weather) and then get out on the bike and to some outdoor activities, a free personal training session, massages, nights on the town for me and the family or just the honey or sun and I.... Man.... let's get it in! I refuse to be a fat bride... Oh yeah, "married life" was a a little misleading. But I believe in speaking positivity. And I feel that before 2011 comes to a close, I could be a Mrs. *Barkley auto tune* I may be-I may be wrong...but I doubt it. If for some reason I am, there'll be new things to consider lol... No but seriously. I don't believe in long engagements.

The relationship has been pure awesomeness. We really are fantastic together and I've seen so much growth on both of our parts in the last nearing two years. I could shout for joy when I saw the growth begin to be distributed in the way we act, walk, talk and handle conflict. Yes, I finally feel we are READY for marriage. I admittedly have always been hesitant. So much in fact that when people ask me a out marriage I always tell them, "I believe before two people get married they should perfect their non marital relationship and how they deal with each other FIRST to lessen their chance of further disappointing God's ordinance by getting a divorce." More or less. And I'm proud to say we're there.:-D Mrs. RBG. ...nice ring to it?

I promise to keep in better touch. Live, love laugh!

Chicago Blizzard 2011

So I have been holed up in my house for two days because Chicago and other parts of the midwest and apparently Dallas and 'nem experienced some bad weather... 20-some odd inches of snow that resulted in snow days for the entire CPS and suburban school systems. We took in the time off with board games, food and fun as a family and it was super fun...

Back to work tomorrow though.... but we made it!!





my truck


snow midday...ghost town...

I guess they really had to be there! Don't think the bus is coming tho!

Poor bastard... shoveling the alley to try and get his car out... at 9 a.m.

We Survived Chicago Blizzard 2011!

Upping The Girly Gangster Quotient..... Gangster

Even though my skin is being asstastic... I was sitting around thinking this weekend about how my girl tendencies have just fallen by the wayside. In the past nearing two years at my company, I have not really worn heels as much because I'm always on my feet, walking around and carrying 50-lb bags as a part of the workshops I do... it only took a few months in the position to learn my cute heels and pumps are to stay on the shelves of my shoe closet.

Even my mani/pedi's have trailed off... mostly because of the winter but I vowed to myself this weekend to re-up the girly quotient. I know I've always been a tom boy, but I still had the basic girl qualities: a love of shopping, pretty shoes and handbags, mani/pedis, new hairstyles, gloss shadows, and liners... but since havin Sun (best moment ever) my priorities shifted something crazy... which I mean, in hind sight is good......... but I gotta remember to take care of myself.

I don't remember the last time I went shoe shopping.... I'm wearing the same joints I had for years and that's unlike me.... panties shopping? Sheeeeeesh. For the really pretty expensive sets? YEARS... don't get me wrong, I ain't granny panty-ing it, but I used to stay atop these things. I have decided to stop doing my loc maintenance so much... my roots are tender, but I've also began to play with styles... and I'm gonna buy a foot bath to keep my mani/pedi's up when I'm not being pampered... I need to re-up my eyeshadow game... I've had the same mascara for lord knows how long... I gotta up my Girly Gangster... I am already a tomboy... I can't leave the little girl I have left behind.

Where'd she go? She gotta be around here somewhere.

Must begin to re-embrace the womanly stuff...

Do Over (2010 Wrap Up)

"Even though I was outta line, I miss you like all the time and if you don't wanna see me fine. A good girl's hard to find, so maybe in due time... Can I get a do, ooooover? Can I get a do, ooooover?"
~Ghostface Killah f. Raheem Devaughn

I've been on a bit of an extended break from work and I'm so excited about it. Last Tuesday afternoon at 5 p.m. I did the Robot right on out the door and will not return to the office until January 3 of the New Year.

Speaking of the New Year, it's always a time to clean out the old and bring in the new. So last weekend I began to empty my house of excess clutter starting with my home office. (I'd already taken every work giveaway and paraphernalia to the office the week prior.) You'd be surprised how much paper and sh*t you accumulate over two years time in a new house. Just starting with the home office, I've got a ways to go, but in that initial sweep I ran across an old journal of mine from 2007 and started skimming over it. I flipped from page to page of bad bad memories and depressing disposition. Instead of sulking there in those pages, brewing over the past I ripped them out, tore them into pieces, and threw them away right along with shredded bank statements and random magazines I never read. I kept only the first entry written 5 months after my sun was born. I share that here:

Nov. 12, 2007

My WORD was I depressing when I was pregnant! I just spent the last hour skimming through old entries... yuck! All the "woe is me, why can't (CP) love me the way I deserve to be loved" crap gave me a headache. For real. No wonder I stayed emotional and sh*t: worried about the wrong bull pooh. WOW! So um yeah, thankfully I was blessed with a healthy baby boy nearly five months ago despite the fact that I was too busy worried about his daddy during my pregnancy.

(Sun) is a wonderful baby. He truly lights up my life. He's adorable, he's happy, he's sweet and funny. Yes, funny! Can't speak a word yet but his sense of humor is already developed. I love him with every fiber of my being. He makes every day that I get up and pray to the Creator and go to work worth living. And when work is over I can't wait to get home to him.

Speaking of work, I currently have two jobs (kinda) at the moment. I am working to try to prove myself at better paying gig in my field to get hired on permanently. It's way out in Lincolnshire. When I initially interviewed he (male boss, yay!) said that it would be 2-3 weeks before they made a decision to hire me on or keep me as a consultant. This week marks the beginning of my fourth full week. So I plan to revisit our conversation to see where I stand because I have to let my other boss know something. Meanwhile, my mother is handling things for him in my absence. She's doing a great job too.

I am praying that everything will be as it should w/the better gig. I tried the Suzy Homemaker role, letting the man be the breadwinner but it's just not for me... right now. Perhaps one day it could be but right now I want the family and the career. And for the last month I've been able to do just that. The job (as per usual) comes with certain irritants but it's in my field, pays well and will afford me the things I'm trying to build towards and accomplish by 30. It's time to realize what's important... in life. Worrying about my mate, what he's doing and will I ever marry and sh*t like that does nothing but stagnate a person. And that's exactly what the devil wants to happen. He wants to sidetrack your progress

Well, I am DONE giving him that kinda power. Over me... over my life... anything! I am still working to keep my relationship solid. Still staying loyal and quite determined to make it work. But I know I am only one part of the equation. And that's the only part of the equation I can worry about and know for sure.

My baby is five months old in three days. What a blessing! Thank you, Jehovah for all you've allowed for me. I should be sleeping, but I was asleep pretty much all evening when I got home. I was exhausted! Didn't even cook or eat dinner...... "Tomorrow, tomorrow and tomorrow."

~ (RBG)

The New Year also brings about for most a great deal of introspection on life and all it's mishaps. How we want to rid ourselves of those mishaps in a new year... don't bring all that same drama or baggage with us. Start fresh. A "do over" of sorts. All in hopes that we won't be doing the same thing December next year. Reading that journal entry of how life has changed (and what has stayed the same) in the last 3 years really made me emotional. I'm really proud of where I am now, even though I have more debt accrued now than then. Even though I'm still not married with child. I can really appreciate where I am MENTALLY. Even though I still have my moments. I think as humans we all will have a bit of insecurity as a common trait. Some of you just do better at masking it to the world. But truly, I've grown so much as a WOMAN in that period of time. That I really would like to sit back and congratulate myself on that growth.

Because I truly reinvented... life. Myself. It's hard to believe that my 31st birthday is right around the corner. In a couple weeks in fact. And in my decision to begin to strip off my old personality and start really applying the new one, it brings great hope in knowing that if I am fortunate to see 2012, I WON'T BE doin the same ol wishin for a "do over" but embracing all the new blessings. Not that my old personality was bad... she rocks.. but there's just so much about her that could be better. Face it... so many things we can't redo... we can't go back and not have a child or choose to have one, we can't get a do over when someone close to us dies... but we can continue to do things, or redo things within ourselves until we get it right. We can continue to accentuate the positives and really hone in on the not-so positives.

I choose to do that...

I can't redo so many things... I just.can't. But I can act like tomorrow is a new day and continue the RIGHT way to do things. No matter what others are doing around me. Because (honesty moment) I can be very much an in SPITE girl. Do things because I'm hurt... or wronged.. or to let it be known I can do things too -- with NO hesitation, problem and just as much pleasure... when pushed.

That journal entry let me know how far I've come... as a mother, professionally (being in a career where, yes, I work hard to prove myself everyday but people NOTICE and want me to lead the teams that will make our field have the most impact) personally and in relationships. I'm happy. Very... even on days when I'm extremely irritated by, whatever, I can SMILE on the outside and in at how happy and blessed I am to be around the people that mean the most to me... and who love the hell... outta me. Face it... I got out of a relationship in which I felt like I wasn't always the most important and now reside in one where I feel I can talk to my mate about anything and even if he doesn't understand..... he'll TRY... because I'm number one... That means something.

EVERY New Year we'll talk about the next year "being different" or what we're gonna do.. I don't wanna do too much differently. I wanna strip off my old personality from a spiritual perspective, yes, but I also wanna continue these personal successes... move to the next levels.... director positions... marriage... continue raising that happy, FUNNY, sun... and all with the Creator by our side.... 2011... let's get it.

Happy New Year Faithful Readers.... do all you can... and be all you can in the newest year of our era.

*~RBG~*

Image Source: http://www.fortefoundation.org/images/content/pagebuilder/19251.jpg

The Same (Last) Name Game

"Will thou, Unsuspecting Fool, have RBG to be thy wedded wife, to live together after God's ordinance, in the holy estate of matrimony? Will thou love her, comfort her, honor and keep her, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health; and forsaking all others keep thee only unto her, so long as ye both shall live?"

Why Buy The Cow?
In the course of this Same (Last) Name Game we women play with our men we have to put aside a lot of brutal descriptions for what it is we do with our love and how we broadcast it. Of course there's the age old "fornication" from the good book, but there's also "slang" ones like "living in sin" or the aforementioned blog title analogy, "Why buy the cow (wife) when you can get the milk (sex or all the benefits of a live-in wife) for free?"

When a woman decides to live with her mate, instead of, or prior to, getting married does she set herself up for failure? I've only lived with one man... ever... and just based on that experience, I think there might be some truth to this harsh but albeit real issue plaguing most couples. Back in the day, mothers were much better about saying to their daughters: "You should NOT live with a man before marriage. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" But along with so many other new age mentalities mom's are no longer schooling their daughters on the importance of not mixing the pleasures of life confusing them for your happily ever after. Now, I don't have a daughter but as I watch The Sun grow into a man, I'm going to be very specific on how he should conduct himself with young ladies when he's a man.

Case 1: Don't lead young ladies on. If you're not interested in her for-real, for-real don't get her hopes up at all, but most importantly, (case 2) never move in with your girlfriend. She should be your fiance and the wedding should be pretty damn close. Three-to-six months, tops. That way you have enough time to see if you would kill each other under the same roof and can bow out, if not, without costly divorce proceedings. What you save on splitting the bills you more than accumulate in confusion, set idealogies of how you should live or conduct yourself when living with someone, and hurt feelings when the years keep passing without so much as a real discussion on marriage and what it means to the both of you and the future that is your relationship.

One of my closest friends has been with her boyfriend about seven years... SEVEN years... they moved in together into a condo a few years back and are happy... But the condo is only in her name, to protect herself should the concept of marriage never develop into a reality. I think it's high time women (and men too) stop putting themselves in no-win situations. From a guy's perspective, that's a LOT of pressure on you once that woman's biological clock starts ticking and please don't already have a child with her, or she has a child that you're now the substitute father for... P-R-E-S-S-U-R-E...

And women we feel it from that aspect too...

B-A... B-Y, M-A... M-A!
Fantasia sang a whole song about it like it was a title of distinction when she first came on the scene and ladies ate it up like butter. But this term irks me to no end. Some years back, a little after the Sun was born, when we were out in public CP introduced me as his "baby mama" to some people. I was mortified. I could not believe that with all our history, and gifting with the greatest present THAT'S what I was ... reduced to. I realize I wasn't his WIFE at the time and so part of why it happened to begin with was partially my fault for putting myself in the predicament. But man, titles are a motherfucker... not "my girl," or "woman," or even my Government name, but Baby... Mama? Ultimately we talked about how it made me feel and we made amends over it and I haven't been called that since... to my face. lol

But why is this title so popular?

"You are getting older and contrary to what you may tell me, you definitely want to be someone's WIFE and NOT their baby's mother!!! Should I go on?"

My friend's words cut like a knife. When I told him I wanted an "honest" answer I expected he would sugar coat it some. But he didn't. And there was that term again. This description, I am realizing, haunts us single moms... and I think it's a bit unfair. No matter our stature, or how we conduct ourselves in public and society, if we're a never married, single mom, we're a Baby Mama. If you're divorced and single with a child, you're at least considered "the ex wife" but us never married ladies get a bad break. This Same (Last) Name Game is very tricky, and hurtful. It can defeat the feeble minded.

Luckily, you always got somebody like ME who will break it down for you and make you understand why YOUR name is powerful and how no matter how many last names your household has, it can be a house of Love and Respect... if you make it so. Granted, I still think it's a bad idea to live as a family, before God recognizes you as one... from experience. BUT those living as a family already surely aren't about to move out, so make of this what you will. *shrugs*

Black Marriage Negotiations...

Live As if You'll Die Today

So that you can live for others....

"I will live for mine." ~Future

It's amazing the thoughts and ideas a simple picture or thought or person can trigger.

"...Cry for me, cry for me
You said you'd die for me

Give to me, give to me
Why won't you live for me?"

~ Ex-Factor Lauryn Hill

I useta often think to myself why men would always say, "I would die for you"... but couldn't be faithful. My thought was being faithful and always showing respect to me in my presence and when I'm nowhere to be found or not listening is a helluva lot easier than taking a bullet or a shank to the neck... and hell I'm ride or die so hopefully we can double team a ni**a and both come out alive if attacked and be ready to have passionate sexy time because of the adrenaline rush directly afta. So let's just both live (and live right) for each other and see what that do... because heartbreak is a tortuous "death"... bullets are (usually) quick and painless.

Over the summer, I saw the statement "I will live for mine" in my honey's status message and was literally brought to tears... though I'll never tell him. Hell, knowing him he probably wasn't even talking about me lol... but it's the little things like that that would let me know how much we've grown even if sometimes it wasn't at the same time. "A (wo)man grows in his own time..."

But those realizations made me want to live and love through those difficult days that all relationships grow through and be there to see the beautiful aftermath and laugh about it later. I live for my family. Every decision I make professionally, personally, I think how it will affect my home and my livelihood... it's something that's come second nature to me as I mature in my self, my love and my ways...

I've been thinking about a clean slate... giving my family a fresh start, a new life... I keep dreaming of better opportunities and better school systems and being financially stable. No longer living practically check-to-check. Yep, I can see my happy household of two parents in jobs they enjoy and that appreciate them... smiles all day everyday because our minds are fed, are souls are steady and taken care of... we need to be in an environment that supports this Movement.

I'm giving myself 6 months to really make some opportunities bloom for us... and away we go.

Author's Note: This post was originally written on 7/13/10 and never published... it has been edited and revised.