Make up, Workouts, Married Life, and Bills

HELLO!

I am so terrible for the infrequent postings I know. Life gets so busy, but I'm gonna do better to make sure I post at least twice a month. Then maybe.... Just maybe.... people will start replying :-). Aaaanywho, I've been so happy in 2011. Like for real, even with a job on my nerves, owing money I really needed to the IRS, a car accident (little fender bender don't worry) like seriously, I am so at peace with home life, all else just manages to irritate me for the moment and then fall by the wayside. And for that I am thankful.

So that money issue has held up the flight to Florida I was to take with my sun to celebrate my homegirl's kid's birthday. That trip though, had sparked an incessant need to get my body together so I could at LEAST BE THE SAME SIZE I WAS WHEN WE WENT IN 2009. But because I procrastinate I didnt get into the action part of the plan until *checks claendar* 13 days ago. The honey and I kicked off March with Dr. Ian's Fat Smash Detox... And we made it! A fantastic accomplishment seeing as how I bought that book originally like 4-5 years ago and have never successfully completed the detox portion. So mister man, even though it was more work to prepare two sets of vegetarian meals, is like a good luck charm. Perhaps I'll keep him around for a lifetime.

So, because I am a procrastinator (how many times have I mentioned that?) I did not start working out until the seventh. But have been pretty consistent with both the workouts and the eating plan since and I must say I'm feeling a lot like the old fit me already. Even if I don't look like fit me yet ... No really. In fact, my thighs look like a cottage cheese supplier. My goal is to look as good as I begin to feel ... Naked. And working out is like a gift and a curse because I'm still in the very early stages and already my mommy pooch is starting to lessen but that being smaller draws my attention to my thighs and glutes which are laden with fat that looks scrumptious in my jeans, but when I have on a thong they look a mess to me... at certain angles. OH COME ON.. y'all should know by now I'm too confident to admit it ALL looks a mess!!

And that will also help with my Girly Gangster Initiative. "What's that RBG?" Well I am glad you asked. I have several things in place/in the works to get to the Me I will be for the rest of my life. Things on that list include everything from small pieces like applying a little concealer to my imperfections, finding the perfect mascara, pampering myself every now and again, learning how to style my own hair (thanks YouTube) in efforts to look (and more importantly FEEL) great even when I have some new growth, to bigger fish like getting my weight and fitness level in order, keeping my house in tact, and onward and upward in my spirituality and secured family life.

But because I have BILLS out my ears, I have to do all this for the cheap. Which is why I've taken to cheating on my man, and have become a bit of a Groupon slut. And I have several initiatives in place to help me with my goal. Everything from a "congratulations" facial, to the cheapest 2-month gym membership ever (just enough time to dodge the crazy Chicago weather) and then get out on the bike and to some outdoor activities, a free personal training session, massages, nights on the town for me and the family or just the honey or sun and I.... Man.... let's get it in! I refuse to be a fat bride... Oh yeah, "married life" was a a little misleading. But I believe in speaking positivity. And I feel that before 2011 comes to a close, I could be a Mrs. *Barkley auto tune* I may be-I may be wrong...but I doubt it. If for some reason I am, there'll be new things to consider lol... No but seriously. I don't believe in long engagements.

The relationship has been pure awesomeness. We really are fantastic together and I've seen so much growth on both of our parts in the last nearing two years. I could shout for joy when I saw the growth begin to be distributed in the way we act, walk, talk and handle conflict. Yes, I finally feel we are READY for marriage. I admittedly have always been hesitant. So much in fact that when people ask me a out marriage I always tell them, "I believe before two people get married they should perfect their non marital relationship and how they deal with each other FIRST to lessen their chance of further disappointing God's ordinance by getting a divorce." More or less. And I'm proud to say we're there.:-D Mrs. RBG. ...nice ring to it?

I promise to keep in better touch. Live, love laugh!

Upping The Girly Gangster Quotient..... Gangster

Even though my skin is being asstastic... I was sitting around thinking this weekend about how my girl tendencies have just fallen by the wayside. In the past nearing two years at my company, I have not really worn heels as much because I'm always on my feet, walking around and carrying 50-lb bags as a part of the workshops I do... it only took a few months in the position to learn my cute heels and pumps are to stay on the shelves of my shoe closet.

Even my mani/pedi's have trailed off... mostly because of the winter but I vowed to myself this weekend to re-up the girly quotient. I know I've always been a tom boy, but I still had the basic girl qualities: a love of shopping, pretty shoes and handbags, mani/pedis, new hairstyles, gloss shadows, and liners... but since havin Sun (best moment ever) my priorities shifted something crazy... which I mean, in hind sight is good......... but I gotta remember to take care of myself.

I don't remember the last time I went shoe shopping.... I'm wearing the same joints I had for years and that's unlike me.... panties shopping? Sheeeeeesh. For the really pretty expensive sets? YEARS... don't get me wrong, I ain't granny panty-ing it, but I used to stay atop these things. I have decided to stop doing my loc maintenance so much... my roots are tender, but I've also began to play with styles... and I'm gonna buy a foot bath to keep my mani/pedi's up when I'm not being pampered... I need to re-up my eyeshadow game... I've had the same mascara for lord knows how long... I gotta up my Girly Gangster... I am already a tomboy... I can't leave the little girl I have left behind.

Where'd she go? She gotta be around here somewhere.

Must begin to re-embrace the womanly stuff...

Hot/Cold, Stop/Go, Yes.... No.

Maybe so.

"Good Afternoooon, Dr. Jekyll because there is no place to Hyde, Big Brother Sir!"
~ A Different World

I always think it's important to take note of how we each have an alter ego. Different egos have different triggers, for some people it's liquor that makes their "crazy" side come out... for others it's weed or another drug of choice... for some it's the reminder of who they used to be. For example, a (wo)man who couldn't be faithful once upon a time but on their best behavior, gets pissed about something their lover does (anything... doesn't even have to be cheating related) and falls back into their old ways. It's a vicious cycle if you allow it to consume you.

We all know the story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? A chilling tale of a seemingly sane and smart man who concocts a potion (aka drug of choice) and with just one swig of it he turns into a monster? Someone outside of himself that no one recognizes? I was thinking today that we all have a little Hyde in us. The question is: what is your concoction trigger?

Today I was having a conversation with my (new) boss... *gasp!* I know, I was shocked too... we do that now... about pregnancy and how much it changed us, for the better. (We both have one toddler son.) She smokes and I asked her how hard it was to give up cigarettes when she was preggers and she said not hard at all.. and I said the same for drinking. I stopped cold turkey and without a second thought because it was what was best for baby... and even before I knew him I loved baby more than everything ... anything. I didn't even take to drinking a glass of red wine here and there because I didn't trust that it was OK. The minute we were done giving birth, however, she and I returned to those same habits. And NOW if I say, "I'm gonna stop drinking for a while" it doesn't stick. I wondered why...

Granted, I'm no alcoholic (wait, isn't that what all alcoholics say!?) I don't need (or consume) a drink in the mornings or to help me function and I can rarely be caught drinking throughout the work week. I am more weekend social... and some weekends I can not drink at all. But when I'm social... I'm social! Then I really sat down to think about it: so was my dad.. when I was a child my father drank on the weekends and sometimes I could sit back and watch liquor change him into a different person... fun one minute, mean as shit the next.. and I wondered how much this played a role in my life today, if any. Now, granted, I don't drink like that when I'm around my sun, but still. Might I one day? Life is still young (hopefully) and I wouldn't want to start.

I love my dad dearly... he was an awesome person overall, inside and out... I am like him in many, many ways... but I don't wanna be like him in that regard. When I was a young teen, my daddy changed his habits after a very scary triple bypass. No more booze, no more smoking and it extended his life... a bit. I still believe to this day, had he not quit when he did he wouldn't have lasted nearly 10 more years. He would have been gone much sooner. From the food he consumed, to the drinks to the cigarettes and the Black man's straight FEAR of the doctor he would have surely left sooner.

So I take this all into consideration when I make my decision... I no longer want to abuse my body with things that cloud my judgment, make me complacent or just don't fill me properly... the phrase "everything in moderation" comes to mind, but people often use that as an excuse to do whatever they please, just don't OVER do it. I must face it... if I'm really to make "daily applications" to be the best RBG... Christ-like... I am going to have to really put things in perspective. I can't base my actions on anyone else's or their lack thereof, for my relationship with God is only mine. Furthermore, I don't want some life-threatening scenario to be what changes my attitude. I want to make the decision on my own accord.

What attitude/behavior is YOUR Mr. Hyde? What will you do to control him?

RBG Note: it took a lot for me to write, let alone post this blog... it's really in truth and transparency. It don't get much realer.

H-A-Double U-A-Eye-Eye!

"Ma$e can you please stop smokin La La? Puff why try, I'ma thug I'ma die high!"

Exactly 3 months till the honey and I venture to the islands of Hawaii for his 30th Bday and my MISSION is to be 20 lbs lighter. I often frown on deadline-oriented goals. Because even though they are effective, they can be damaging because people put back on the pounds directly after they are done traveling, with the engagement, ceremony or whatever special occasion it is. (I will NOT be one of those people.... no, but forreal. If anything this trip is just what I needed to get serious.)

The Y had a special on summer memberships again, so I got in on that. $25 a month for the family and I to use any Y in the Metro Chicago area. I will be focusing on 10,000 steps a day, a morning workout via Chalene Extreme (starting Sunday morning), lunchtime workouts that started this week, evening strolls with my Soror and our youth on Mondays and Wednesdays (resuming next week, the weather has sucked this week - Midwest-like "tornado" yesterday and all) and a couple evening workouts at my neighborhood Y on lighter days. In all 6 days of working out, but one is more Tai Chi/Yoga/Stretch related so it's really a "rest day" too. I wrote it all out yesterday. In addition, I will still be following the good health guidelines of WW.. no fad diets for me. I will also be participating in a couple Mommy and Me classes they offer with my sun. Gymnstics and Kiddie Groove to name a couple!

All that being said, my MISSION is 20 lbs but I will be more than satisfied with 12-16 (you know weight loss is a strange beast) but I'm confident 20 won't be too far a stretch. In addition, in Hawaii, I WILL be 1. wearing bikinis (I've already started to look for them because this will make sure I don't overeat; can't be walking round Hawaii with a big ol gut!) 2. doing activities that don't just involve lying on the beach (I've already purchased a hiking excursion, debating on another because it takes a great part of one day away from us... but it has waterfalls!) and 3. using the fitness center. Plus 4. enjoying in-room activities.

Super excited. I've never been to Hawaii before... and I hear it's expensive, but well worth the visit. We'll both be 30, it's time to start living life and enjoying all its blessings. Right, bra? (a lil Hawaii slang... just cuz!)

The storm is over now... let some sunshine in.

Get On My Level

"Water seeks its own level." ~ExH.I.T.

Greetings and Salutations! (I've always wanted to "say" that... not sure why.) I come to you a very content woman today as I progress in all facets. Officially 10 pounds lighter, I now can really feel like I am taking steps in the right direction of where my place in this life is going. I am pleased to be making adjustments and doing daily work with someone on my level.

Working as a team is pretty OK, I'm learning... doing away with the selfishness of the past and moving toward a future is healthy and progressive and, I'm learning, a lot of fun. It's nice to stop focusing on the small stuff, and entrust that to Jehovah that he will take care of it in his time, but to keep my mind focused on the big things and keep enjoying where I am in this space and time. I love it. Recently, the mister and I have started working out... together.

"The best way to enhance a relationship is to lead a healthy lifestyle -- as a couple." ~ Jillian (That Deal) Michaels (I adore Jillian... I may have a teeny girl crush on her... teeny.)

It's different and liberating for me to have gone back to leading a healthy lifestyle while in a life with someone... before I've always done it when I kick someone to the curb, get my sexy back as a single girl... then get in a relationship and lose myself in him with date nights, alcohol-infused functions, lazy Saturdays and just being in love and happily fat and all that... so it was nice to get the gumption to return to WW while in a couple, and then see him take an interest in getting himself back young and fit as well. Very cool stuff. Of course now, that adds a bit of pressure for me because EVERYBODY knows men lose weight much faster than we do, so I would be lying if I didn't say, he pushes me because when I want to have a honey bun for breakfast and he chooses Total, I get back on my mental ya dig. Granted, neither of us is (fortunately) anywhere close to being like a gastric candidate or anything, but it's amazing just the energy you get back from doing just a little bit more than you did last week, yesterday... and the different things you have energy for and how it enhances you.

"When you're feeling strong and confident, you also feel a lot sexier—and that'll boost your sex life." ~J. Michaels

I have been getting the baby itch lately... my poor sun wants to see his friends, his cousins, anyone he can to play with... but I cannot, will not, enter into another pregnancy overweight (or unmarried for that matter but mostly overweight) because I just can't keep doing this back and forth anymore with my health. I've got to prove to myself that I AM in control of my own body.
"Make a woman feel like she's the hottest, most feminine person in the world and she'll love you..." I like that one Jillian... to the same effect as women, doing the work to make ourselves healthier and feeling inside that will exude that femininity, brew that sexiness, and we will (more importantly) love OURSELVES... I love myself you guys!!!

I know and understand that there's ways to enjoy life and the things I want in a pair without sacrificing my temple ANY longer. It's just... nice... sure it has it's scary parts and plot twists here and there, but watching the "fairytale" unfold is definitely making me a lot more level-headed.

Photo Source: http://www.geo.uu.nl/fg/palaeogeography/pictures/results_fluvialstyle/02_Meanderende_rivier.jpg

Let there be light!

Editor's Note: for best effect, play the song as you read :) lol

"rose, bathed in the light, out of the darkness, utterly new and fresh and..."

I am seeing the beauty beginning to mold again... I was starting to wonder where it had all gone. My swag is back... granted, it never goes far to the naked eye but I was pretty broken... I admit. I was doubting my professional gangsta (oxymoron?) since January when my contract ended abruptly... then I ran into a very... terrible organization that was poorly ran, unethical and a few other choice words that I will avoid...



because if NOTHING else it allowed me to meet some great girls (who I still keep in touch with) who the world had turned its back on and it also kept me housed and mobile by paying my rent and car note... for that, I am thankful. It also gave me more experience on the social services side to move into my new position with a STABLE organization for which I can really, finally see myself growing... I am just so overjoyed.

Because I had the interview of all interviews (a series of them, really) where I was reminded why I've been so arrogant when it comes to what I do. I do it well... and they saw it in me without me saying much at all. This is the job I've been looking for. And I am going to be magnificent at it. And I humbly thank Jehovah God because he looked out for me with this one. And I will keep my word and study his... praise him in happy times. Remember him even when I can't stop smiling or when I'm in tears. For in each, I always need him... and I should let him know it as often as humanly possible.

In other great news, I finally found a daycare!!! *(cue glorious music)* QUITE exciting.. it has everything except for a daily toy sanitize (it's weekly) that I was looking for including but not limited to: a potty regimen, learning curriculum, diverse students (blacks, Latinos, whites and even some Asians), and a clean and fun play/learning environment, close to home with competent, educated staff and a contract that we're comfortable with... of course all his daddy cared about was the price. lol Slightly over budget but we made it do what it do. Thank you lawd!

I've spent the day doing a house deep clean. With the new week upon us, now we should finally be able to embrace it but be ready for it. I am still training so my schedule is pretty set and it looks like I will have to go somewhere sunny for my final training before they release me to the trenches... but I will be ready. I've been doing a lot of research and territory building in my spare time. Truly looking forward to all I can do with this position... can you tell? :)

Tomorrow, the house will be complete (currently doing laundry) when I tackle the desk drawers and the storage area. But for now, I'm about to enjoy some boxing and take in a cocktail while I enjoy coming out of the darkness... the next few weeks will be a little foggy as I try to catch up on everything, but I feel very confident in saying that the sun...

...is out.

I just want to...

run away.



I'm... exhausted... truly.
I'm feeling devious... like old, rambunctious RBG who didn't give a shit... didn't care about feelings and what not... where peaceful RBG go? Ohhhh there she is. Hiding. Sleeping... peacefully. Heffa.
I am starting to seriously dislike someone... who I -- if only for a minute -- thought I would love forever.

Thanks to the double Rs for at least keeping the smiles flowing... love those guys.

Had a job interview today... went well, not exactly what I wanna do, but something is better than returning to the drama... hopefully other hot leads will come. At this point, I just need to be anywhere... not because of finances, but because being a SAHM really brings perspective to the working girl....

p.s. I really wanna see Kindred in concert... they need better publicity. I am ALWAYS missing them. That is all.

*SIGH*

Let's examine who you really mad at....

Chyle, you took me to a place I hadn't been in a WHILE! lol

I remember it well... quite scary. I'm glad for growth though... I'm better now. I hope you feel better too... for the record, I did send you a chat request... perhaps we can talk more when you calm down.

Simply Put...

OK, so I kinda AM my hair... who woulda thunk it?! :) One year down... a lifetime to go.

Happy Lociversary to moi!

And Now For My Closing Remarks

"I don't scratch my head unless it itches and I don't dance unless I hear some music. I will not be intimidated. That's just the way it is."
~ Coach Herman Boone "Remember the Titans"

So it's been a crazy couple days. Love Lockdown over the weekend, my child keeps waking up at odd hours of the night, confused people keep vandalizing my blog, my desk looks like a tornado hit it, folks think they teaching me lessons via snarky blog posts... I mean, my Jah! What on erf did I do to warrant such lunacy?! lol I'm a very optimistic, turn the other cheek, severely conscious person and while that doesn't change today, people definitely been tryin to test me. The conclusion I've made is it boils down to unhappy folks trying to upset my Chi. Welp! It ain't gone happen. My Grams would say something like, "misery loves company." But I ain't never been miserable in my damn life. Maybe a lil stubborn at times... harsh wid the tone... a tomboy who walks extremely well in heels, but never miserable, pathetic or loser-like. "I'm a winner. I'm going to win."

But the fact is, I've wasted way too much inner-g on several issues that no longer require my attention. To be honest, they didn't really require my attention from jump, but I wouldn't be a real sassy Capricorn if I didn't at least get my point across. I wasn't in debates for nothing.

What DOES require my attention is my busy toddler, my wonderful home, getting my home office in order to get-get-get get busy (ya'll remember that?) and this workout that has me sore as all get out... damn you Chalene! *angry fist* After a brief morning meditation, because my child just doesn't sleep in even on spring break I realized even though I have absolutely no care in my mind to the ridiculousness... I am giving people too much of my time and thought process. Wondering why, who, what, when where, how. So I close out these crazy chapters wid these last two posts on the matters at hand. Even though the events fall directly in line wid what I do here... it don't get no realah than that, Black Girl. I am done aiding and abetting crazy people, tho. Hopefully she gets the message. I didn't mean it to get snippy, but man, ya'll should see how many times she replied on the wrong blog wid this nonsense and at strange hours of the morning when normal people are sleep or working the overnight shift. But hell, therapy ain't free and I caint continue to administer 1. widout a license but 2. widout gettin that money! I spoke to my brother (a cop) bout my concerns and he said that I am handling each situation marvelously (that's a given! :) ) because I didn't allow it to fester and I am the documentation queen. So there that is. Finito.

Moving on....

Sweaty locs love.
I need some frickin product that's gonna keep my locs maintained a lil longer. All this sweating has my babies already puffy again when I retwisted like a week ago. I don't want build up in em though, so not sure what plan of action to take. I'ma hafta figure it out tho, cause I went from working out none to five times a week and my hair is like naw, naw, naw HELL naw! We ain't on that RBG!

Gotta get some act eat right.
So, my workouts seem to finally be coming on point... I'm actually making it through the whole thing now lol but my eating is still draggin feet. I have all the ingredients but I'm just kinda eating all of them... lol, must get that together. Also, I realize the extra hunger is a direct product of the activity, but I have to start being accountable for exactly what goes in... my caloric intake and all that jazz. I will try, try, try my best to use Spark more often.

Really, gwan get stuff done today... for real
Once done posting here, I'm turning on tunes and cleaning, tossing, etc. Then I will put lil bit down for an early nap since he's been up since 5 a.m. (grr) and then do my workout and finish cleaning... hopefully I will completely exhaust myself today and then I can really, really REST uninterrupted this evening. Here's a'hopin. I'm sure there's something I'm forgetting... oh, I ain't get out the house all day yesterday EITHA... Rj and I are definitely experiencing some cabin fever. Seriously, seriously gonna get out today. I need to go to Tarje... ooh la la.

My Star Player

I did the entire workout this morning after missing my workout yesterday... next week and weeks after, I commit to getting them all in. All five in succession with the plan. I had some Trinidadian food on Saturday meeting my Soror and her mom for a lunch invite ("anything to keep you in the now!") so I admit I ate my leftovers for breakfast... not only because they were delicious but because it gets them out the way. :)

I think my way to approach it today was the best... because I am admittedly out of shape, I did the first 25 minutes to my highest energy level making low-impact modifications where necessary and then took a short 2-3 minute break while drinking lots of water and then finished the last 20 minutes with the same intensity. It worked out. I still have to do the Ab Burner... but that'll be an after lunch deal. I meditated my way into sleep last night at 10 p.m. A long emotionally taxing weekend came to a close to sounds of the Serengeti and I woke up feeling a bit better, safer.

I love meditation. It is my time for a release, a relaxation, a prayer, a moment to regain clarity. It's a lot deeper than people give it credit. It's not a weird cult-like activity either. For me, it's no different than people who have alters in their home and pray to their God of choice. Use the chart below for a very brief visual of the act of meditation.


In other news, I am going to take the week (spring break) to start reading a book on time management... I am usually a pretty good judge of time and can multi-task very well. I am also rather organized but I have found, admittedly, in my mom time it's a little more difficult to completely 100% plan for two people. I need to refresher course and figure out a better plan of action to keep a decent home widout letting time wid my child and living my life fall by the wayside and keeing an extraordinary child widout letting my home fall by the wayside! :)

Since we got snow... again! I am gonna take the day to get a lot accomplished in the house. It's not supposed to warm back up till Wednesday, so thankfully I have a full cupboard/fridge and not many errands to make happen. So I can concentrate on getting home and heart in order, relax some, get some doc and dentist appts in on Wed and Thurs., Memorial, and gear up for Good Friday. I think in honor of 5 years after entering Zeta Land I will celebrate by hitting up some Chicago night life. We'll see which way the wind blows.

I am re-determined. I feel so silly for so many reasons but am using this as a real pause to the madness and getting my ish together for the unltimate good. I have a lot of positive things in my future... and I will no longer be deterred. As Katt would say, "get in tune with your mothef*ckin star player!"

Make this week a great one... you only get one life to live!

Sympathy

"The most unloving thing one can do is fire back at someone they claim to love wid angry words of emotion... just because he/she was hurting." ~ RBG

"You better watch who you beef wid."
~ Can-i-bus

I spoke of PPC yesterday... a man who appeared on paper to be my soul mate. You'd probably noticed, one thing I didn't do was bad mouth him... even though there left lots of room to do so. He was the first boyfriend of mine who was incredibly against a civil dissolution of love. I'd never experienced such anger and humiliation until I saw a bag of garbage thrown across the room just because I was ending our love affair, for just cause. I would experience it a couple times more since then... PPC bad mouthed me to our mutual friend, that I was disloyal and left when he needed me most. Luckily she knew the truth behind it all and knew if nothing else, I was the most loyal... we just weren't as compatible as I would have prayed. And while there was PLENTY I coulda went hard on him about, like real motherlovin problems... I never did. Even when he sent me a return mail (months later, I mailed to see how he was doing and to tell him I missed him and perhaps I could have handled things differently) with the most brutal attacks on my character I have ever read and heard... ever... about.me?

Then there was Blast, the one who put me on blast on his blog because I didn't really see room in my life for a long-distance relationship. He wasn't that bad in comparison... plus he did it in a discreet way where I was the only one who knew what the eff he was talking about. His opinion was that I was missing out on something without at least giving him a shot because of what had happened to me in the past wid LD relationships. He very well could have been right. But if don't nobody else know my mental... I do. And it's best I follow my first mind before I succumb to terms of endearment.

I read in a "friendly" letter yesterday, that someone dear to my heart didn't know whether " to hate (me) or feel sorry for (me)." I can't lie Blogsphere, it stung to hear someone I trusted and believed in, more than he originally believed in himself, to speak to me with a daggerous tongue. Knowing I don't viciously attack anyone... especially him. Knowing he continued a "relationship" for much too long wid someone who hurt him, emotionally attacked him and the foul shit he did in return... reading that let me know, as a best friend, I was not above the anger.

But I digress. He felt sorry for me because I didn't settle for a husband when one was looking me in the face. On a day/night (my father's born day) where every person who cared about me in my life was trying to keep me from being sad, thinking too much, being emotional, crying over my Daddy, reinstilling in me why they love me, because I love life... this friend was feeling sorry for and/or hating me. We already know it takes too much inner-g to hate someone, so I won't spend time on that one. But let's debrief about what is sympathy exactly?

sym⋅pa⋅thy

  /ˈsɪmpəθi/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [sim-puh-thee] noun, plural -thies, adjective –noun

harmony of or agreement in feeling, as between persons or on the part of one person with respect to another.

the harmony of feeling naturally existing between persons of like tastes or opinion or of congenial dispositions.

the fact or power of sharing the feelings of another, esp. in sorrow or trouble; fellow feeling, compassion, or commiseration.

sympathies, a. feelings or impulses of compassion. b. feelings of favor, support, or loyalty: It's hard to tell where your sympathies lie.

favorable or approving accord; favor or approval: He viewed the plan with sympathy and publicly backed it.

agreement, consonance, or accord.

Nice right? Only problem is, he doesn't sympathize he feels sorry.... for.me? That is not nice. Hate is definitely not nice. But I had to examine further. So he feels sorry for me because I thought to work on self before committing to someone. Is this how we weigh personal fulfillment? In the responsibility of another? Cause then how is it personal?

" But Gypsy woman as you approach 30 you will have to set down somewhere, as a mother of (The) wonderful Sun."

Sit down somewhere? As if I am out of control? Or reckless? Say word, friend? I am anything BUT. I've been a great mother to my Sun. A.fucking.great.one. For nearing three years this September. When he was conceived. I walked throughout my pregnancy and did yoga and water aerobics. I stopped drinking, smoking my occasional cigar or even being around second-hand smoke. I had him vaginally, and naturally, and it was the most beautiful moment I've ever experienced. I took him to the doctor on schedule, vaccinated on time, asked the doctors all kindsa "crazy new mom" questions to be on top of my game. Left unstable situations, despite the womanly fear to be alone, because I know what's best for him. I play wid him for at least two hours everyday and some days... hell, many days... are just about him. This life thing, now is just about him. To set(tle) down SOMEWHERE to me suggests settle down anywhere. And THAT my friend, is something the true Mother of the Sun, Dawta of Light, just will never do. Whether I am approaching 30 or 300.

I'm hurt, cause not only do I never attack my friend on what HE should work on, have, be doing at his older age (instead always focusing on what I can fix in self and only being supportive of my friend recognizing potential he failed to see) but it.really... sucks that in a land of so much opportunity, in two thousand and nine, for Pete's sake, a woman who actually leaves her house to physically GO to work for 40 hours a month and still makes more than the standard household income for a single mom (hey, I ain't rich, but TRUST I do aite! and only a few months young in this consulting thang) a woman who owns her own car, has her own home, a woman who pays her bills on time with astonishingly sexy credit score, a woman who raises her sun extremely well given the cards dealt, feeds him nutritious foods, who is conscious, healthy, caring, educated two times over, can be felt sorry for because she doesn't have a husband. Or isn't settling on one. This is bullshit.

And just because I am angry in return I still won't dagger my tongue. That friend was important to me. I truly love him. I still pray for him. But "drunk lips" don't lie... and I know now at least a piece of what he was really thinking when I was emotionally battling what to do about my husband in training. What that judgmental friend clearly will never understand is that it was a hard... extremely hard... decision to make. But I made it for the best interest of everyone. I suggest my old friend, and even my ex-husband in training, take a look at themselves before feeling sorry for me. Like I look at myself... widout ever having the disgusting gall to feel sorry for him.



"People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you will know exactly what to do."
~ Anonymous

(Current) Thought Process... of a Gypsy.

I am rethinking a lot of things and purging a lot of stress and aggravation...
I have come across a great many revelations in the past several months since freedom...
I am ready for the rebirth of Sanni...
I have been holding back from myself... I have been scared.
I can't choose the way people act, live, love, treat me, respond, but I can choose how I RE-act.
I am battling the pros and cons...
I am sad at the mental state of others...
I am secure in myself.
I love hard... so it means something when I don't.
I re-need clarity. I am ))centering(( of self.
But can no longer be self... centered.
I meditate for peace...
I sit in the bask of The Sun for peace...
I am regaining spirituality where it counts...
I am a p u
z
z le...
I have all the pieces, but am still putting it together...
I have 9 months to figure it out...
That is when the childishness and fun of 20s can't be used as an excuse anymore...
I am making a way out of none.
I am not going to worry about toma...
I am going to start treating others how I would want to be treated...
... respected. Whether it hurts me or not...
I am righting wrongs... Whether it hurts you or not.
Taking responsibility for my actions...
Taking a time out...
No more flags on the play...
I am thinking...
I've been a good person, but there is always room for improvement.
"I was born under a wandering star"... Gypsy free. Gypsy me.

© 2009 CZS / RBG



image source: mary croppins... "gypsy" border

Observations...

A few things I've observed over the last couple days....

Spring Snow Storm

So, I looked out my window this morning to this.... Mother Nature... stop playin! April is in 3 days!

My excellent cheese omelet breakfast:
In honor of the snow, I made a real breakfast for the first time in like two weeks. Cheese omelet, hashbrowns wid onion and turkey sausage... yumtastic.



Cowardly Behavior
People who read my blog daily and vandalize it then run and hide by closing their blog to public eye are funny!

Let The Training Commence...

In all the silly chaos, I forgot to mention my workout arrived. I am so very excited to get it gwan.

I am reading through the literature first and then I will "officially" crack into it on Friday (because I like the schedule where Saturday is my rest day)... I will spend today and tomorrow familiarizing myself wid the moves, taking my photos and measurements and doing the "fit test."

Then my schedule will be Fri-workout; Sat-rest; Sun, Mon, Tues, Wed.-workout; Thurs-rest. This will also work in conjunction for when I do walks wid the Healthy Hikers group. Most walks will be on Thurs or Saturday... the first walks don't really gear up till the 23rd so hopefully by then my body will be conditioned a lil more to the workouts and walking won't be too much of a strain. I will definitely, definitely have to make time for stretching and if I'm lucky, big daddy massages. :)

I'm really excited to see my transformation. As I really miss being toned and lean.... 30.60.90.... I can dooooo it! :) For now, I'ma just focus on the first 30 though, as to not overwhelm myself... handle it in tiers as opposed to tears... ooh, I need to copyright that.


lol, she is crazy!

I really love Chalene, her teaching style reminds me of my own, very bubbly and funny but takes no sh*t. hahahaha

Let's go!

One Minute You're UP...

and the next you're down. Welcome day 9.

Today was a good day fast wise... but emotionally I am still a mess. I am exhausted of near everyone and everything but my sun and my fast. MC'ing is like cheap therapy! I've been writing and expressing and releasing and what not while those closest to me get it hard core. It's like I can't just have a straight month wid no bullshit. And I wonder if that's because I need to purge my life along wid my body. I often wonder if I need to completely clear the roster and really spend that time focusing on Rj and me... if there's anytime to be self-involved, I can think of none better than for my child. In similar news, I am seriously considering returning to my predominantly vegetarian diet... but I wonder if I could keep him healthy.... ehh, I got off on a tangent. Not eating will mix you up something awful....

*refocusing*

The cleanse. It's worrisome, but quite a... relief. Because I've been telling people exactly how I feel. No holds barred. Which works for me because I've usually held back sooo much trying to be the bigger person all my life it's nice to just be like... "you know what? eff you, sucka!" lol Though sometimes it's left field. Because I've been crying for two days, my coparent has been the blunt of several angry, "you are a terrible person" texts, my friends have been brushed off with "got too much gwan right now" texts and the person who's on my mind the most, I wonder how it will ever be.... see, emotional mess.

At any rate, I've meditated on it... and I have decided to continue on through the weekend and break on Tuesday when I'm going back to work. There's a luncheon for my students that day, so I will have OJ for dinner on Monday and breakfast on Tuesday and the salad portion of my lunch. I'll pack some raw almonds and make a fruit salad cause I'm sure the lunch @ the banquet will be something heavy and perhaps not very tasty.

Sooo, yeah, my tongue has returned to pink about 90% so I am thinking these last few days will wrap it up nicely. Feeling good, but my 85/15 live foods menu is calling my name! Mmmmm mm! I will say that I do have spurts of really low energy throughout the days. A headache here and there but overall my energy is good. I try to get to bed directly after meditation (I'm meditating twice a day). That's usually when my body can't take anymore anyhow... I wonder if it's normal to be up and down like that in the later stages?

At the home stretch now... my family will be glad when I'm done. My sister says I sound sad. I told her it's not because I'm fasting but because we spoke at 8 a.m. lol

Forward!

3/24/09 ETA: I started breaking fast Saturday... with lotsa OJ. I didn't weigh myself as it wasn't about weight at all... in gen, I feel much lighter and just clean and vibrant. It was a good 10 days... I am extremely proud of myself, and will repeat in the summer. Thanks for listening to me ramble about my random mood swings, and the trials and tribulations of fasting. It was an interesting ride.

Moment of Clarity 8.1

I remember why I didn't truly care for the MC before now... not even so much the not eating aspect, but the clarity. Because it's so mental, the mind works overtime to keep you motivated to finish but at the same time, it's open to everything. In 2005 I thought about so much of how things could be different in my life that during those five days I decided to move back to Chicago to be with the majority of my family, but also to try a relationship wid a man I never told how I felt. Because I'm a Capricorn, I'm stubborn by nature though and by the time I got here in 2006, I'd completely changed my mind. Because I'd hurt him already and didn't want him (a Capricorn as well) to shun me. Like we do. lol I also thought about starting my own business, something else I didn't follow through on with a serious mindset. It's like once I returned to the land of the eating, clarity diminished something terrible.

Yesterday I had the displeasure of being spoken to like a child, by my boss. For no reason. It irritates me some that I continue to work for people who have their own companies or positions of power and don't know professionalism from a hole in the wall. It's like, are you cereal? Furthermore, she was frustrated not with MY performance, but because she was having a bad day and her administration is confused, unorganized and dropped the ball on something. Whatevs... can't sweat the small stuff... furthermore, that's not what caused my emotional breakdown right before I was so exhausted that I passed out. Literally. Thank goodness my sun was already in bed with me. I didn't even see sleep coming. I didn't have a chance. And slept soundly until he climbed on me saying good morning this a.m.

I woke wid those same discouraging feelings. I need to purge all toxins... not just from my body it seems. I've just noticed a massive increase in emotions while fasting. And I wonder if this is normal. Is it the mental clarity that comes along wid fasting? I spent all last night crying my eyes out over things I cannot change and that's not even my style. I've been through a lot the past 4-5 months and life's changed a lot... I wonder if I haven't really had a minute or desire to think about it until now and all this mind power to stay focused on finishing is getting redirected to that of all these other thoughts my mind locked away? I'm sure no other fasters will be able to relate and I'm just weird.... story of my life. lol

At any rate, SWF done.

No tea last night tho... so this should be interesting.

p.s. my teeth feel funny and I'm friggin freezing.

Lucky Day 7

I had to venture out to work today and was near late because on my way out the door, I was rushed back into the bathroom. I told myself I wasn't going to do a SWF if I didn't wake up in time, but I just couldn't risk not having any releases all day, so I did it at 6:30.

I feel good. I downed my first 16.9 oz of lemonade over the morning hours and saved my second bottle for the afternoon, drinking water in the meantime. I was feeling great for the mjority of the day even when we were at the zoo! I met my Soror and her daughter and family there and I went armed with a bottle of lemonade and lots of snacks and bottled water for the bambino. We had a good time. Then after we left the zoo we let them play in the park. When we got home, we had just enough time to get him fed, watch Ratatouille, bath and now he's asleep. Perfect.

While coddling him, I read him a story to take my mind off of going in the kitchen and gobbling down some green beans... can I just say the ONLY thing that's preventing me from eating now is that I don't want to shock my digestive system and end up worse than I started with gastric problems lol...




I've been a meal planning fool for my 1200-1400 calorie meal plans for the next few weeks and I am going to the grocery store on Monday... buut I may be able to do Sunday. I was originally planning to do 10 days but I am running out of potion. I was going to go get more but with money funny, I'm not sure I want to spend the cash on more syrup when 3/4 of it will stick around without usage. Plus, it's a pretty penny. I should be able to get two more days out of it and then I will break Friday, I'm thinking. So a slight change of plans but still a really great accomplishment. I will do this again in the fall for sure.

I'm still holding strong on this journey... no matter how bad that red beans and rice is calling me. Do well, be well, feel well.

Get Into Perspective on Day 6...

Soooo, I felt kinda like an asshole after my last post after I really took time to put things into perspective. Millions of people worldwide have no choice but to "fast" daily, only they call it starvation. And here I am volunteering to go without food to better my spiritual and mental clarity and cleanse my digestive system while giving it a rest and have the audacity to complain about it! Le sigh... I will try best not to whine anymore in regards to this. In the same breath I was reminded by a support group poster that while that may be true... what I was choosing to put into my body wasn't always wholesome foods and beverages and that I was in a sense abusing food and liquor. "Just because it is available does not mean that we use food in a way that is positive," she said and she's so right. I can't begin to discuss how many times I stopped at a fast food drive thru to pick up something ladened with fat and very little nutritional value in the last month. Way too many times.

I concluded that food smells definitely had a lot to do with the moods yesterday because today I was OK. When I did the MC in 2005, I didn't have a child. While I had a roommate it wasn't a shared meal household unless we made it such, so it was easy to disassociate myself and confine myself to my room for the time of the fast. I can't do that with my sun however, he has to eat and I am responsible for feeding him. I got that out the way yesterday tho and he's good for the rest of the week. Which works well for me because heating up things isn't as much of a problem and tempt as cooking a full meal. Furthermore he just wanted yummy snacks today mostly... so he got things like granola, raisins, yogurt, fruit... you get the point. Sometimes he's a picky eater.

I got up this morning and after prayer, did 20 minutes of yoga poses via the Wii Fit. Got some optimal stretching in after taking a day off yesterday to do nothing but laundry. The bloating yesterday was a new feeling. It's not an issue today. My legs are still a lil tender from my 5-mile walk Saturday but stretching and yoga helped immensely. I opted not to drink tea tonight. I will attempt to do a SWF at 6 a.m. rise to see what happens before I leave at 7:30 since I have to work. If I sleep in, I prolly won't do a SWF at all and just tea it up twice tomorrow. I don't want to be blowing up the bathroom at my job! I usually do all my releases in the a.m. and chill for the rest of the day so as long as I can crawl out of bed to get it done, I should be OK. For a change, not only have I already packed both our bags, I also picked out our outfits AND ironed them. Now to just pour my concoction into my thermos (cayenne already packed) so I am hoping for a good mornin and an early start.

Not much longer before sweet yummy orange juice and vegetable soup.

Forward!

In a (Tempermental) Mood... Day 5

Today went pretty well but I really miss eating. Add to that, that I only had one release all day and I am pretty discouraged. Since I never heard back from anyone in the support group I joined about the steeping issue, I once again steeped my tea for my allotted 12 minutes and am sippin now. My tummy feels tight like I've been doin ab work (I haven't) and I'm having "empty pains." The best way I can describe it is that pain you start to experience when ur really hungry and your stomach feels...empty! :-| I keep eyeing my Simply Orange Juice carafe in the fridge thinking, "tomorrow I break." But I really want to endure till the end. I keep thinking about breakfast next Sunday morning. Imagining how delicious it will be... *stares off into distance*. I felt kinda bloated earlier too (still do after tea sorta)... I need to re-read some of the posts in the support group. I think someone mentioned the cause, effect and solution for that.

Perhaps the food smells didn't help today either. While my sun was out, I tackled all the laundry and made his meals for the week. I also had a friend over who ate a fish sandwich (my favorite quick meal) and everything gave me hunger pains down to the garlic-peppered string beans I made. Especially those, actually. So yeah, while today was a good day as far as energy goes it was a melancholy one overall. I miss chewing and I'm only half done.

I'm gonna need to release more these last days or I'm not gonna be a happy camper.

That's all for today.

p.s. oh yeah and my legs are sore from all that walkin yesterday... they feel that they might detach from the hip! *le sigh*