Ex-Wives and (Step) Children...

When I was 21 I said I would never date a man with kids because I didn't want to deal with the drama that was their mommas... or disciplining.. or any of that shit. But then again, I also said I would never be in debt or date a white man... so what I'm saying is, things change.

A decade later, I find myself marrying my best friend. He's a beautiful, loving man with a
child..... and I must say it's everything I thought it would be. Like I assumed, it's not like on TV where everyone is not bitter, blended and loving and inclusive. And it's a weird adjustment. And it sucks cause I don't have anyone (with sense) to really ask if THIS should be happening or how I should handle THAT... or am I just bein RBGish and overreacting.

So I try to play each situation by ear. Yeah, well, I'm off beat and outta tune like a mf'er... *sigh*

Ya'll pray for me. LBVFS!

Make up, Workouts, Married Life, and Bills

HELLO!

I am so terrible for the infrequent postings I know. Life gets so busy, but I'm gonna do better to make sure I post at least twice a month. Then maybe.... Just maybe.... people will start replying :-). Aaaanywho, I've been so happy in 2011. Like for real, even with a job on my nerves, owing money I really needed to the IRS, a car accident (little fender bender don't worry) like seriously, I am so at peace with home life, all else just manages to irritate me for the moment and then fall by the wayside. And for that I am thankful.

So that money issue has held up the flight to Florida I was to take with my sun to celebrate my homegirl's kid's birthday. That trip though, had sparked an incessant need to get my body together so I could at LEAST BE THE SAME SIZE I WAS WHEN WE WENT IN 2009. But because I procrastinate I didnt get into the action part of the plan until *checks claendar* 13 days ago. The honey and I kicked off March with Dr. Ian's Fat Smash Detox... And we made it! A fantastic accomplishment seeing as how I bought that book originally like 4-5 years ago and have never successfully completed the detox portion. So mister man, even though it was more work to prepare two sets of vegetarian meals, is like a good luck charm. Perhaps I'll keep him around for a lifetime.

So, because I am a procrastinator (how many times have I mentioned that?) I did not start working out until the seventh. But have been pretty consistent with both the workouts and the eating plan since and I must say I'm feeling a lot like the old fit me already. Even if I don't look like fit me yet ... No really. In fact, my thighs look like a cottage cheese supplier. My goal is to look as good as I begin to feel ... Naked. And working out is like a gift and a curse because I'm still in the very early stages and already my mommy pooch is starting to lessen but that being smaller draws my attention to my thighs and glutes which are laden with fat that looks scrumptious in my jeans, but when I have on a thong they look a mess to me... at certain angles. OH COME ON.. y'all should know by now I'm too confident to admit it ALL looks a mess!!

And that will also help with my Girly Gangster Initiative. "What's that RBG?" Well I am glad you asked. I have several things in place/in the works to get to the Me I will be for the rest of my life. Things on that list include everything from small pieces like applying a little concealer to my imperfections, finding the perfect mascara, pampering myself every now and again, learning how to style my own hair (thanks YouTube) in efforts to look (and more importantly FEEL) great even when I have some new growth, to bigger fish like getting my weight and fitness level in order, keeping my house in tact, and onward and upward in my spirituality and secured family life.

But because I have BILLS out my ears, I have to do all this for the cheap. Which is why I've taken to cheating on my man, and have become a bit of a Groupon slut. And I have several initiatives in place to help me with my goal. Everything from a "congratulations" facial, to the cheapest 2-month gym membership ever (just enough time to dodge the crazy Chicago weather) and then get out on the bike and to some outdoor activities, a free personal training session, massages, nights on the town for me and the family or just the honey or sun and I.... Man.... let's get it in! I refuse to be a fat bride... Oh yeah, "married life" was a a little misleading. But I believe in speaking positivity. And I feel that before 2011 comes to a close, I could be a Mrs. *Barkley auto tune* I may be-I may be wrong...but I doubt it. If for some reason I am, there'll be new things to consider lol... No but seriously. I don't believe in long engagements.

The relationship has been pure awesomeness. We really are fantastic together and I've seen so much growth on both of our parts in the last nearing two years. I could shout for joy when I saw the growth begin to be distributed in the way we act, walk, talk and handle conflict. Yes, I finally feel we are READY for marriage. I admittedly have always been hesitant. So much in fact that when people ask me a out marriage I always tell them, "I believe before two people get married they should perfect their non marital relationship and how they deal with each other FIRST to lessen their chance of further disappointing God's ordinance by getting a divorce." More or less. And I'm proud to say we're there.:-D Mrs. RBG. ...nice ring to it?

I promise to keep in better touch. Live, love laugh!

Chicago Blizzard 2011

So I have been holed up in my house for two days because Chicago and other parts of the midwest and apparently Dallas and 'nem experienced some bad weather... 20-some odd inches of snow that resulted in snow days for the entire CPS and suburban school systems. We took in the time off with board games, food and fun as a family and it was super fun...

Back to work tomorrow though.... but we made it!!





my truck


snow midday...ghost town...

I guess they really had to be there! Don't think the bus is coming tho!

Poor bastard... shoveling the alley to try and get his car out... at 9 a.m.

We Survived Chicago Blizzard 2011!

Live As if You'll Die Today

So that you can live for others....

"I will live for mine." ~Future

It's amazing the thoughts and ideas a simple picture or thought or person can trigger.

"...Cry for me, cry for me
You said you'd die for me

Give to me, give to me
Why won't you live for me?"

~ Ex-Factor Lauryn Hill

I useta often think to myself why men would always say, "I would die for you"... but couldn't be faithful. My thought was being faithful and always showing respect to me in my presence and when I'm nowhere to be found or not listening is a helluva lot easier than taking a bullet or a shank to the neck... and hell I'm ride or die so hopefully we can double team a ni**a and both come out alive if attacked and be ready to have passionate sexy time because of the adrenaline rush directly afta. So let's just both live (and live right) for each other and see what that do... because heartbreak is a tortuous "death"... bullets are (usually) quick and painless.

Over the summer, I saw the statement "I will live for mine" in my honey's status message and was literally brought to tears... though I'll never tell him. Hell, knowing him he probably wasn't even talking about me lol... but it's the little things like that that would let me know how much we've grown even if sometimes it wasn't at the same time. "A (wo)man grows in his own time..."

But those realizations made me want to live and love through those difficult days that all relationships grow through and be there to see the beautiful aftermath and laugh about it later. I live for my family. Every decision I make professionally, personally, I think how it will affect my home and my livelihood... it's something that's come second nature to me as I mature in my self, my love and my ways...

I've been thinking about a clean slate... giving my family a fresh start, a new life... I keep dreaming of better opportunities and better school systems and being financially stable. No longer living practically check-to-check. Yep, I can see my happy household of two parents in jobs they enjoy and that appreciate them... smiles all day everyday because our minds are fed, are souls are steady and taken care of... we need to be in an environment that supports this Movement.

I'm giving myself 6 months to really make some opportunities bloom for us... and away we go.

Author's Note: This post was originally written on 7/13/10 and never published... it has been edited and revised.

Perfect Timing

"If we wait for the moment when everything, absolutely everything, is right we shall never begin." ~Iva Turgenev

My biggest fear about dying, is wishing I had more time. Because we never know when death will come knocking but we KNOW it's gonna come (damn that Adam!) it's important to live every day to the fullest. But everybody SAYS that, but rarely do. I try not to spend a lot of time mad... or go to bed mad, what if I don't wake up? It's very important to me to leave this world making my presence felt and living my most content... this blog has a few variables... stay with me.

I reconnected with an old school buddy on Facebook who got engaged last year. I recently asked her how the wedding planning was going and when was the big day. She proceeded to tell me that they'd decided to postpone the wedding until 2012 (!) because she wanted it to be "right." I listened to her story and took it all in, but how much ownness do we put on the things that really don't matter.... really? I mean, I realize I'm not the typical girl. I haven't been thinking of my "dream wedding" since I was 9 and I'm more of a simple elegance ring or precious stone centered kinda girl than big, flashy "look at me!" rings. I'd much rather a small intimate location wedding with our closest family and friends that some big to do... I often think people use money and "getting it right" with apprehension because "It don't take a whole day to recognize sunshine." You either want to be married soon or you don't. She'd talked about their children a lot saying she'd been going to church and really wanted their family to be recognized by God, yet her wedding is more important than that.

Given the dreams I've been having lately, I am pretty sure whenever I find some unsuspecting fool to marry me, my wedding will be great in it's own right. A special day for US and no one else. Because when it really gets down to it, the wedding (with all the money that goes into it) is becoming more and more about the guests than the bride and groom. I went to an old friend's wedding a few weeks back... beautiful Michigan Ave set up.. it was AWESOME... but I know also that my friend (the groom) was spending a LOT of money to make sure guests thought it was awesome. I am just praying there's no wedding bill... we guests ate, drank well and the NEWLYWEDS are stuck with the bill... just doesn't make much sense to me. I think the whole reasoning and importance of weddings (marriage) are getting diluted with unimportant fears, insecurities and preconceived notions and images people want to maintain. When did it stop being about God? And love? And stuff? Why do people make up so many excuses to NOT officialize their love? When will it EVER really be the right time? Furthermore, we don't even know if we will be AROUND in 2012... I'd rather love you in holy matrimony now and be good in HIS eyes than risk it. But what do I know... I'm just a "single" girl in a big city.

Speaking of single girls... an old friend Facebooked me last week. This friend and I stopped talkin back in late 2008 / early 2009... and I don't know why... exactly. There was never any discussion or separation of things... she just one day wasn't returning my calls or messages. I'd even resorted to MySpace messaging her when I called her to congratulate her on her graduation and never heard anything but she sent me a MYSPACE message saying thank you. I'd discussed how to approach this friend with a few people in my circle... but never was able to place the solution. So it was surprising to see her pop back up in my Facebook messages.

Our conversation was fluid... as our friendship once had been but all I kept thinking about was why she walked away from our friendship in the first place. What'd I done so badly that constituted an abrupt cease and dismissal like I never existed... what sparked me in her memory? Pics of us in New Orleans for spring break. Do we all have those moments? Those... I miss this person moments... and at what point do we look into them or keep them on the shelf.

There's this old saying, that "People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Once you figure out which it is, you will know exactly what to do." I totally believe that. We're supposed to get together for lunch/dinner sometime in October... if it never happens I can at least NOW be content on knowing that I tried my best... I made an impact... and in the end, that's what matters...

It's never gonna be the right time to do what we must or need to do... just do it, trusting and knowing that it will be just as it should. I'm not waiting for the right time anymore... I'm going to take chances and continue to be happy.

I love my life... and each person in it. Let's just do it already...

The Tangled Web

"Oh what a tangled web we weave, When first we practice to deceive!"

~Sir Walter Scott

My homeboy is finally... finally preparing to pop the question to his long-time girlfriend and the mother of his child. And as awesome as that news is, he's got a bit of a problem. His ex-wife and mother of his first child. She is not taking his recent change of heart well... well, because up until he had this change of heart he was still very much doing inappropriate things with her. Not sex. At least not that he's told me about. (And I'm 85% sure he would've shared that) but other things like texting her he wants her "sooo bad" when he and the Mrs. haven't had sex for a few days. Or paying for her hair do/outfit, just because. Or doing family activities with their child and his child by his girl (WITHOUT his girl).... so when he finally decided to change his order... she changed her attitude. All of a sudden, the things he does aren't good enough.... the way he SHOULD have been interacting with her before, that he's NOW finally doing is unacceptable, because she's not used to it... because it's proper. And HE seems confused that she's trippin. lol

You.Know.Gatdamn.Well!

He's told me to my face that he knows things would never work with this girl, so my question to him would be well why on earth do you get her hopes up and do things that make her think you're SO unhappy with your relationship? Let him be irritated with the Mrs. you can definitely catch him texting her that he wished he'd stopped by after work before coming home. Like, do you think that's RIGHT? (It's not.) Why do you let her text you pictures of herself when she knows you're with someone? Not your kid, but her. Now, *I* respond to inappropriate texts/picture mails with silence... nothing makes it clearer. Some people ask their culprit to stop / not do that. But HE replies with "Well, don't you look great" or "Nice!" You can't be sending mixed signals and shit and then wonder why she's mad you're finally concentrating on your family, where your head should have been the whole time. And don't have cheated on her or been a ho when ya'll were together... because she's gonna suspect that you're still a ho, and that your behavior is in your nature. So when you do un-ho / changed man-like things, she's confused.

I write this blog not to scold my boy (really) but just as a message that we DO create our own problems a lot of the time. A frat brother of mine who recently found out he had another son by a new BM, had a similar story to tell. We were discussing how his new BM felt about the way he treated HER (not his new son) but her, and that he had to break it down to her.

"(New BM) says I used to be sweet and patient. I told her I still am...just aint finna talk and deal with whatif's. (That was) part of my gross mistake with (Ex-Girlfriend) and why it took/is taking so long to rectify. (My inability to separate the two) is part of the reason me and (Original BM) couldn't be in the same room with each other for years... You can't serve two masters. You either in or out. Gonna learn from my mistakes..."

Well!

My boy could take a lesson from this. He is CONSTANTLY doing what ifs with his ex wife... constantly. She'll text about, "remember when we got married?" "Remember when you bought my ring?" Of course he remembers! He was there. Entertaining these kinds of conversations and going back down memory lane are never any good for anyone... unless of course you want to be back with someone. Sends the wrong message. And it's important to learn this early... before he gets married (if that's what he really wants to do) so he continues to send a congruent message that he's all about his family and his (future) wife. That doesn't mean his relationship with the ex is over... of course not. They have a kid. But their relationship is supposed to change.

It has to change.

"We parents... ain't gone be nothing more and I ain't finna talk bout us or what happened or any of that. We have set times and communication. Can't move on if we still wondering."

This relates back to one of my posts (if not several).... eventually we're all going to have to pick a path. And do what is necessary to make that path work. You simply cannot, to use my frat brother's words, "serve two masters" because it's gonna come back to bite you. Hard. Where are you going to lay your head? Where are you going to exhaust your energy and time? Let that be one place. Send a congruent message to your ex. EX-communicate the bullshit. Because it does nothing but create bigger problems when you've had your epiphany. Don't let the past stifle a future.

Keep growing, my friends! The life that awaits is fantastic! Trust me... we full grown!

Please God, Let it Begin!

I stumbled upon this site today and I was like WOW... where have you been all my life!? I really love what's going on here! And I am hitting the Chicago premiere of "You Saved Me" with some homegirls...

Enjoy this read, an excerpt from their blog. Between them, the Obamas, Kindred the Family Soul, and the Owens... I am starting to believe that a real, successful happily ever after can exist... from the first family to the normal family... to my family... *crosses fingers... prays... does a couple hail Mary's... throws salt... clicks heels together*

Please God, Don't Let It End!!!

By Lamar and Ronnie Tyler on June 29, 2010 6:52 AM

by Ronnie Tyler

Hubby: Hey boo

Me: Hey babes we miss u

Hubby: Follow my tweets today

Me: Ok

My husband and I were texting as he attended an all day social media conference a few weeks ago. I love him to death!! And when we are apart, I miss him dearly. And when he comes home after being away, I am so excited to see him. Please God, don't let this feeling end!!

We have been together for 7 years and married for almost five years. When people see us, they think our love is so cute. When they ask how long we've been married, they say: "Oh you are newlyweds." Newlyweds?? Since when does being married for 5 years make you a newlywed??? Wikipedia says that you are considered a newlywed: if you have been married for less than one or two years, or until you have kids, or until you stop behaving like newlyweds (i.e. laughing, playing, having lots of sex, etc.) Well we have been married for almost 5 years, we have 4 kids (a blended family) and we have not stopped acting like newlyweds!! Please God, don't let it end!!

It's almost like people expect you to grow apart and to just settle into a routine that does not include having fun, being excited about each other, being playful, etc. While I know that everyday life can get hectic, stressful, busy, tiring...etc, I don't believe that I have to settle for a life without playful moments, missing someone, having a friend, a lover, and a boo .

So how do we plan to keep the excitement alive? As Ayize and Aiyana say, we will be intentional about making our marriage work by:

• Continuously working on our marriage (education, workshops, reading materials, counseling...whatever it takes to keep it strong.)
• Continue to date each other and ensure that set aside quality time to spend with each other
• Continue to be affectionate with each other (daily hugs, kisses and I love yous...)

After dating my husband for a couple of months, I called my friend that introduced us and said Lamar is a sweetie pie. And almost 7 years later, he's still my sweetie pie...my boo. Please God, don't let it end!!

Essence family, how do you keep the excitement alive in your marriage and relationships?

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com. They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage and the newly released You Saved Me. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

*pulled from Essence

"She Got Daddy Issues"

Hello Blogworld!

I come to you in higher spirits than I expected to after the first wave (my morning cry). Today is my father's 65th birthday. He is no longer with us, but very much still alive in me. "You are truly Don's baby!" has been spat out of mouths of my relatives way more than I can count. Even though my father has been gone a decade now as of this past January, each year still feels like a new wound. This past January (during my birthday week, which is also when he died) when I was crying on my honey's shoulder, I confided in him that I almost felt crazy crying like a newborn 10 years later... he then told me I could be a 60 year old woman and still cry about losing my parent... it's a very traumatic experience. Especially the way in which it all happened -- which I will spare you guys for the sake of keeping readers. lol

But since January, I've been doing a lot of introspection about it all and what I've found makes me saddest, since I've had 10 years to really think about it: is that when he had to go, is when all things started to go south with the rest of the men in my life. Yes, when my daddy died, men (who entered my life, anyhow) forgot how to be MEN. They don't know how to wear the MANY hats it takes to be a good man, like he did. More than just being a provider... more than just unconditional love... more than just being "head" of house... It's like my daddy's presence kept them in line... kept them from being rude, dumb, disrespectful, unappreciative, disloyal, arrogant, selfish... heart breakers.

Heart Breaker! Dream Maker! Love Taker! Don't you mess around with me! ~ P. Benatar

Now, just bear with me now... I always hear of Daddy Issues in the sense of women who didn't have father figures to teach them right from wrong while growing up, so they latch on to men who are all wrong for them in efforts to fill that void (in a nutshell). My father was with me up until I was 20 years old, so you'd think I'd be solid...

So yesterday, I was sitting around thinking about the timeline of events... between my dad's death and the following summer I found out my "fiance" (who walked with me down the church aisle to view my dad's body) had had a summer romance with some short chick he told me was nothing... the next summer (after staying with him) he broke up with me while I was in Wisconsin working my internship at a large newspaper. Later that SAME summer, he met someone at a wedding and married her a year later (two years after my Daddy for those of you who may have gotten confused). During that same summer, I was broken up with via email, by a boy who I'd dated off and on in high school... not as traumatic since he was my fallback boyfriend. His family loooooved me, but I think the pressure started to get to him of when we would be man and wife. He would later marry the girl who he would visit when he told me he was visiting his "cousins" in St. Louis. He has no family in St. Louis. Well, he does now... in laws.

Since then... man who wanted me to "submit" without offering anything to the table... we weren't even DATING.. man who was emotionally spent and crazed and a hater, wishing nothing good to anyone, man who was too prideful to say we worked well and commit to me, and guy who could have been perfect if he stayed out of his own head... and those are only the honorable mentions...

It's true, I have my very own daddy issues...

They come in a plethora of criteria, it seems.

But I've figured out how to make this "issue" now work for me, and it only took me a decade. Since my dad isn't here any longer to check you about your hat at the dinner table, opening the car door, not acting like a complete monkey and I am truly Don's baby, I have to fill his void, for myself. Even if it means comparing every man one to my dad... not in the literal sense, but the emotional senses and the God-given senses. Do you make me a priority? Do you care about my feelings? Do you allow yourself to see a situation outside of yourself? And because I've raised these questions, and ones like it, I am really chopping away at people in my lives who just don't get it... or get me. I may be a 30-year old woman with Daddy Issues... but I'm just glad my daddy was around to give them to me... and for at least two times a year on days of his birth, or rest I can think clearly enough to clean house of those who don't mean me wellbest...

Thanks Daddy for the perspective... until we meet again!

image source: http://www.japanator.com/elephant/ul/10576-620x-b3351bcbaec0ac012f92a2c962ef0304.jpg

2009 Rewind...

2009, for me, was all about Love.
I can sum it up in just that one little powerful word.

I started a To Be Continued post on The Black Family a while black... and how it was dying. Dead. Kaput. This is my rewind of that.

While I DO still feel the Black Family has a loooong way to go, I no longer feel it's a lost cause... I think. I spoke to a friend of mine, a Married of several years, like 7 who is contemplating leaving the Sacred Union because there is little that can be done to restore it back to it's original goodness. With three little ones, a nice home, two cars, head of household at stake, it's difficult for many to see how someone could walk away. I feel bad for that friend, cause I know that Friend has been trying the hardest to keep things afloat in that marriage. It makes me wonder... not only about the Black Family but about this concept of forever..

"I want this shit forever mayne." ~ Drake

Forever is such a long time... and it often worries me. I mean, I think about a couple like my parents who suffered and survived every kind of problem a marriage could from alcoholism, anger management, heart attacks, infidelity to death, and still managed to look at each other lovingly after 27 years... and pray that at least the "lovingly" is in my future. I don't know that I have the patience or staying power to deal with a few of those things... but marriage says for "better or worse," "in sickness and in health"... clearly many people don't take this charge (hence why we have a something like 58% divorce rate?). I know each year of any relationship (married or otherwise) is going to come with ups and downs... at what point do we stop wanting the "forever" we signed up for?

In my present relationship, everyday is a lesson. Everyday is a glimpse into the future. And I am enjoying each day more and more, even the trying ones to get to that forever possibility. I've read of people marrying someone "no matter what was going on at the time" they proposed. Meaning, things were clearly wrong, and probably destined to fail but people still entered into something so serious. Why do we do that, exactly? When we know something is wrong, or won't work yet we enter into it anyway? For... ever? Is it because we take the concept and idea of marriage so lightly the thought of "well, if it don't work, I'll just get a divorce?"

I mean, I know I am a never married individual speaking on this subject but that's how we unmarried individuals either stay unmarried or only marry — and stay married — once. Hopefully the latter for me. I know I talk a lot of shit, but there should be NO contesting I'd make an awesome wife... *pauses to see who dare disagree*.......
......
...........
............

*ahem* so I say all that to say this:

Black Family, we can be so much more than Dads visiting their children every other weekend, baby mama drama, and constant drama and bullshit. (I do realize white families go through a lot of the same, but that doesn't affect me.) I just keep looking at that Ebony cover of the Obama's... you think Barack and Michelle don't have issues or haven't had any in all their years? OK, maybe they're as perfect as they look, lol, but the point is, I am sure they have days where Michelle/Barack is like, "OK, please get away from me" but both realize the importance of the other in her/his life.

Sooo with all this introspective thinking.... I came up with one solid solution for hope: we can save our families starting with taking more responsibility for our own actions.

MEN...

Leave your pasts behind... you guys are so caught up on hurting someones feelings, or just not over someone, holding on to someone who you can't be with or don't want to be with, stirring feelings just cause you got too much time on your hands, or WHATEVER the fock you're doing does NOT help. I mean, seriously, if you don't listen to anything I've EVER said, listen to me NOW when I say, pick a path (read: woman) and stick with her. Give her your ALL.. and see how that goes for you... video chatting, sex texts, inappropriate pic mails with your exes, baby mamas, jumpoffs and the like just keep us in the struggle... COMMIT.

WOMEN....

You can't become a different person once you have the ring or a few months in. Rationing the precious, not cooking, not keeping yourself tight around the waist and what not (trust me I'm guilty of all.. OK, not the first one, but maybe the second from time to time and definitely the last BUT my eyes are open now...I'm on it lol). You have to do the SAME things you did to get him to keep him... it's a poorly used reason from men when they cheat, but when you think about it, it's true. We often transform ourselves during the dating process, or so I hear, cause we are looking for marriage... I implore you: STOP it! To know you... is to love you! He should get to know you. If he loves that person in the present... he'll love her in the future.

MEN...

You can't be sitting around the house not doing NOTHIN.. clean up, take the garbage out, wash a dish, help with the kids! Motherhood and taking care of a home is TIRING... it's helpful to your home and relationship to lend a helping hand. And not just every once in a while, but on a REGULAR basis.

WO(MAN)...

Be prepared to work together... pray together, put God first, cause it takes HARD GOTDAMN WORK to get to forever. And listen to your mate... sometimes — hell often times — they are putting you on notice without causing a fuss. Found something troubling, but leave subtle hints to avoid drama but let you know to shape up or ship the hell out...

Let's NOT enter into anymore future forevers without understanding the work and commitment there needs to be on our OWN part to salvage it and make it its best. Stop always pointing a finger and fix yourself first. You know what wrong you doing before it's even pointed out. Unless you're one of those people who just sucks... come on people... I could cry writing this blog post. I know the Black Family could be SO much more, if we just give ourselves some credit for our own shit... the good, the bad and the ugly...

Ya'll kno who it is....

The Order of Things

"I called my ex and told her I was changing my order... she didn't wanna hear that." ~ Steve Harvey Live at the Venue

There comes a time in our lives where we have to change the order of things... that's the synopsis of what Steve Harvey said when I was gifted with the opportunity to see him live at The Venue in Hammond, IN for my born day. (Thanks babe!)

We saw him perform on the eve of his birthday (Capricorn! Yah!), so after he split our sides with hilarity, they brought out a cake for him as a surprise and after the Stevie Wonder version of "Happy Birthday" he began to TEACH us some things. Sidebar: I always find it funny when people dog him about his book."How someone who been married 3 times gonna tell me about relationships?!" I mean, really, aren't those the people we should take heed from? Those who been through it? Failed at it? Endured through it? Tried again till they got it right? How hard is it to find someone who has been truly and HAPPILY married for many moons? Still living well enough to tell the stories. The answer is extremely. I appreciate someone who's been there sharing some knowledge cause in a time of 58% divorce rates (may be higher these days) we need all the help we can get. *rant over*

Anywho... the "message" was how we can make things better for ourselves... by changing our order: 1. God; 2. Family; 3. Education; 4. Career. Saying if we start to get our priorities right all things will begin to transcend... he went on to say that we are always mixing up our order which is what sets us back individually with our different trials and tribulations.

When someone leaned over to kiss me on the cheek during that message is when I realized, he knew too that our order was merging. I am loving the order of things... it feels great to say I am happy while staring in another person's eyes... and mean it. I couldn't always do that. It feels great to have a tiff and instead of looking for the first bail out plan or thinking about the green grass elsewhere I want to tend to my own lawn. It's great to be in a place where all parties involved understand it's the work of everyone on the team that wins championships. I am loving the order of things. To sit down and study the Bible with my mate is something so foreign to me... I wouldn't have IMAGINED doing that just a few short years ago... it's the order of things..

My career, while sometimes on my nerves, is fulfilling to me. My education is solid... it's the order of things. I want to keep.this.feeling.... this.order. Trying to do right, isn't as hard as we make it out to be when we know the proper order of things.

I know I haven't always made the best decisions in my 30 years on this planet, nor always did what I was supposed to do, and I am sure I will screw up from time to time, but it truly feels like all is (becoming) right now. Things are molding just because I've realized what's important and solidified that order. It's never easy or given to us without work and sweat, but it CAN be ours if we just take the time.

I can only pray, He continues to walk along side this blessing... cause the devil stays busy. Thank God for order.

Let's get in order, ya'll.

art source: http://www.amazeartgallery.com

The Tale of My Two Cities...

Well, 2009 is a done deal. Full of it's ups and downs. Triumphs and down-right disasters of situations. But alas, here she is.

"I'm trying to have all truths and revelations REVEALED in 2010. So let's talk about it." ~CP
So, I am a bit delayed getting out my real 2009 introspection because the first two days of the New Year were spent relaxing, recovering and laughing. BUT ya'll know I couldn't NOT send one out. 2009 was an emotional roller coaster of a time for me but I still managed to come out on top. Tis the story of RBG... she survives.

My year in review held a lot of tears at the beginning and sprinkled in here and there. In February, I tried to move on from life as I knew it, even though an extremely painful transition, my alter ego wouldn't let me realize I was dealin with (or refusing to deal with) some serious shit. Even the sweetest distraction couldn't keep me from knowing that something was wrong because it also was filled with issues of a different kind. So the joy I thought was coming in the morning, never came. Or appeared falsely, depending how you interpret.

I've recently had the pleasure of enjoying meaningful conversations with CP. We've had the fortunate pleasure to make someone so special and we're trying to collectively make this the best family ever by strengthening our friendship and getting closer... So, when he said something along the lines of "all truths revealed" it made me think about an awful lot... I kept so many truths to myself in 2009 but toward the middle/later part of the year, I really started to hone in on what's important. What's necessary, what's not blah blah blah.

So let's reveal some truths... about self.

Once a boyfriend physically wrote (not typed or emailed) to me, "how can you expect so much from me, and give me so little in return?" I realize now, that this still holds true to me nearing 9 years later. He eventually left me and married another... also something (not) foreign to me... who he continues to be (somewhat) happily married to today. These kinds of questions and inquisitions can really make one wonder. When you think you're the greatest girlfriend, and people are affected, tremendously, by the negative things you do, it says something... sometimes. I may not always be the most giving of... things, but what I HAVE always given is unconditional love. I've loved several different men, who all in some shape or form hurt me. But I loved them anyway. OK, so sometimes I'm emotionally distant... and a little stubborn... and maaaybe a little selfish when it comes to SOME of my things I've worked hard for... sometimes...maybe. But I do a lot of good too.

BUT, I hear what he's saying.

Forever is a long time... and to be happily married (or in any kind of relationship or friendship) there needs to be a lot of FOCUS... GIVE and TAKE... COMMUNICATION... PASSION... WORK... AND MORE FOCUS. With that being said, in order to PREPARE myself for the solid effort of being successful in a marriage (assuming King finally finds Queen, of course) I need to pack up and leave this city... and move on to my next. The first city, the one in which I have been living, is the one in which I am leaving. The second city is the one I'm moving too...

My Beloved Mother came over to my home on New Year's Eve to help me prepare for our NYE Celebration. She's truly an extraordinary woman... she drives me crazy sometimes, but I wouldn't trade her for the world. She told me while washing my dishes (while we reminisced about my Daddy since his anniversary is approaching and singing Blues songs) of how she cried and cried when she turned 30... and my Daddy told her in only the way he can, to stop that crying because unless she wanted to DIE the only option is to get older and learn from life before it.

And then she told me: "But once I stopped crying, and faced the beauty of it, that's when life really got better for me. Things were really great."

It made me smile... I could only hope the same for me.

My first city, was occasionally filled with darkness and only glimpses of hope sprinkled throughout. I didn't capitalize on those glimpses, instead... I focused too much on the darkness, let that consume me until I was nothing that I recognized....

But oh, my second city, is my spring of hope. I have the tools to be more successful (in LIFE and LOVE) I just often don't use them. I have hope where I didn't before... I started realizing this in the last months of my lease in my 20s... I started to hone in on the positive and laugh at the adversity... cry less... figure out tactful exit strategies from heartbreak. I smile more now... I live... in the now. I express my feelings better and without trying... no superlatives or games...just me. I am a better woman than I once was... in my 30s, I will embrace her. I will learn from the woman who resided here before me. No more pressure of unknown things, only capitalizing on what I DO know... that I am a gifted entrepreneur, a forever blooming flower and a work in progress... progressing.

When King finally notices, his Queen will be ready... ready to build, ready to strive, ready to live, laugh and love. It will still take two, but I'm ready to do my part... 2010.... RBG is ready for you... bring it all to me, cause I know how to embrace me now, so embracing you will be as natural as whole grains...

Happy New Year, people... Let's show 20-10 what we can do...

~*RBG*~

The Relationship Queen...

I must say that after processing all the emotion that has come with the last seven months, it's rather relieving to not be worried about the stress and problems of relationships.. my splits never really last long. My frat brother always jokes "So what's goin on? I kno you don't stay on the market long!" But hell, it's not as flattering a compliment if all men want to do is just DATE you. haha! But whatevs... so I had really, literally, been in a relationship since I was a teenager, engaged at 15 even!

The only and first intentional break was in 2004 right after breaking up with PPC... I needed to really re-assess myself. And it was fun and I enjoyed it. Sex with no strings attached, several dates a week, intellectual conversations with versatile minds... I had a ball.

So the breather has been nice... but I've found at my wiser age.. I don't have time to sleep with someone no strings attached... so I'm not gonna. And it really isn't my style anyway... plus I always only have one partner at a time, so that kinda takes the excitement out of the concept.

I learned exactly who I was in my time away and saw so many traits of myself that I wanted and needed to work on. And am proud to say I am working on them... we're all works in progress aftaall but it's important to work on self before throwin all that onto someone else's plate...

I am enjoying, finally finally, enjoying coming full center with my emotions. No anger. No sadness. No jealousy. No insecurity... just lil ol me, happy, vibrant, confident, not snippy nor attitudinal... talkin through things versus yelling, screaming, crying, giving up... yes...

Sometimes I remember the disappointment. I mean, several things didn't turn out the way I expected, thought or would have ever imagined they would... and I am sure He has more surprises in store... but I am trusting in Him... and gwan with the flow. I no longer need to jump in and out of relationships... on and off the market... gonna make it do what it do and be what it must... yoouuuu diiiig.

Past and Present... Tense.

First, hello to my new followers... I hope you find something of interest here. :)

Secondly, allow me to apologize for my absence on this space. I have been more active on my business blog than this one and for that, I am sorry. I needed a breather from the madness that was trying to take over... here. Life has been swell. So much has happened so allow me to synop, sis.

"We were together... living as one. Until something happened... One day our love was gone. Always seems to be, something in the past. That won't let us last...."
~ One Way ft. Al Hudson

I love this song... it is so fitting for this post.

Yesterday is the past... We always use the past as some sort of evil conduit to remind us why we left someone... and the question now is, why dwell on it. Why not get over it and move "past" the past? Isn't it worth it to live for today? About a month ago, I read some disturbing, yet familiar, information. I found out that my exH.I.T. had met up with an ex who he had described to me as nothing short of Satan. They sat in the park, smiling and reminiscing about the good times while they sought clarity on their relationship and made nice. And he said they would always be friends. Then in a retraction after my questions of confusion, told me that indeed they were not friends and it was a mistake to call her etc. etc. I know he's going through a lot emotionally, so this is not a post to bash him, or examine credibility or trust or whatever, but instead to discuss how it spawned me to search for my own clarity.

I really had to evaluate everything that got me to where I was at that moment... I thought of how my sun was that day on the porch, and I called back my co-parent to finish a tabled discussion on ... friendship, love, life and the pursuit of a happy family. We laughed, we didn't cry, we were honest and forthcoming. He sat on my couch and we were comfortable. It made me wonder if a couple of people who were so detrimental and evil to each other could come to center to talk and be friends after slight violence, rudeness, infidelity, lies, utmost disloyalty, and utter hurt and disappointment could meet in the park and be friends, surely my friend/relationship of 23 years that only failed due to exhaustion, stubbornness and loneliness could be salvaged in some shape or form.

Tomorrow is the future... who knows what will become of the relationships, marriages we enter into. I was discussing all the possibilities with my homegirl LovelyLox and I said to her, that I really wish I knew sometimes how it all will play out. She answered with about the most insightful answer I could ask for, "however you want it to." She's right. The truth of the matter is, just about everything can be worked out between two people who have about 85% of their shit together if those two are forgiving partners, are two people willing to work at it, and two people who know they aren't perfect. The problem lies when we get tired.... do we still want to fight for what it is we know is right. What we want. Nervousness and fear... they will try to stifle us... haters, people who want to wish us harm will try to ruin us... the devil will be busy. He/she always got something to do

But maybe exHit had the right idea... return to the source. See what lies there... perhaps you will find the friend who will be there forever. no...matter... what...

He once (well always really) told me that any man who didn't fight for me was a fool... he was right.


But today is a gift. That's why we call it, the present... my sun recently celebrated commencing his second year on this earth. It makes me, overjoyed to know that I have been able to bask in his presence for two years. He amazes me daily, loves me wholeheartedly and unconditionally, and likewise I would do anything for him. He has shown me, single-handedly what "real love" is. I thank God for him. For his birthday, we kept it very low-key. No party, no cake, no candles... just us. We went to the zoo, we went clothes shopping, we went toys shopping, he played with his cousins, his sister, we ordered in food, he took pictures... he had a very full enjoyable weekend. So much that on his birthday (Monday) he was in bed by 8 p.m. and slept all night. Wore out... but enjoyed every minute. And so did we. It was awesome... Toddlerville is an interesting venture in itself. My little baby is now a child, who is growing so rapidly. It seems like just yesterday I was brewing him in my womb.... and now here he is a big boy, talkin back to me and gettin into all kindsa trouble from jumpin off pillows to the hardwood almost crackin teeth to peeing on the floor DESPITE knowing where "the pot" is and that he is supposed to use it... aye, potty training could be a post all its own. But in all his toddlerness, he fills our lives with so much joy.... and that alone is worth celebrating.

My family may not be perfect... but it is mine. And it will be fine. Because I choose to put myself out there.. I've, as I always advise my friends, loved ones, exHit to do... taken time to get myself together... feel like myself again... examine my faults, strengths and weaknesses... and I'm ready to move forward, lay it all on the line and put the past where it should be.... behind me. Behind us. Tucked away never to be spoken of again...

"Don't bring it up, don't bring it up... don't keep bringing up the past."

Turning My House Into A Home

"I’m not meant to live alone, turn this house into a home. When I climb the stairs and turn the key... Oh, please be there, still in love... I said still in love... Still in love wiiiiith meee...yeah..."

~ Luther V. (R.I.P.)

"My back has been ashy for six months... it's one of the drawbacks of not living wid your mate... no one to rub on the aloe vera."

~RBG to homegirl Bee

So, I have inhabited my new home for six months on the 28th of this month. And it's so dope to me. A rare great find in a tiny little community. I've spruced it up something nice but there's more I want to do. By nature, I am a redecorate junkie. I am always tweaking something, changing a couch around or putting something in a new location but never real decoration. That stops now. I have finally asked myself: "What can I do to turn my house into a home?"

In normal dynamics, professionals are called in... contractors, plumbers, specialist in landscaping, construction or whatever. But your girl is young, fabulous and broke, so I am calling on the D.I.Y. (do it yourself queen) my "mom-in-law"... over the past 30-some odd years she has built china cabinets, bookshelves, kitchen supplies, shelving, reupholstered couches and re-did her floors. She is truly my handy inspiration. She is on vacation for two weeks but already knows to enjoy it thoroughly cause when she gets back, she, my sketches and I are gwan to work. I was gonna do it myself, but I can't afford costly mistakes. I had to bring in the big guns. Thankfully, everything I wanna do is cosmetic... I'm very, very excited.

In other but similar news...
This new, don't tell people details about my business thing is pretty cool and entertaining all at the same time. I mean, I am a blogger which pretty much means across the board you're an open book. If you don't have a blog strictly devoted to some topic (health and wellness, politics, relationships, design, your own business) most of us just ramble on and on about our lives and things that no one really cares about. But hopefully do it in an interesting way that will garner the attention of complete strangers. So it's easy for us to tell our whole life story when someone asks us a simple question. This has been my way all my life... I divulge all my information about my job, my spouse or whatever when there's a problem and rarely talk about the GOOD stuff. The truth was evident in my journals... I wrote when I was sad, when he was pissing me off. When I was miserable and unhappy. I never wrote about the good days. I am tryin this new thing I've branded: The Bare Necessity. Only what you really need to know and ONLY should be nosy enough to ask.

I am goign to continue living life as only an optimist should... both eyes forward only focusing on the positive because for the last six months, that is what kept me sane. And I loved every minute of it. Even when heartbreak and craziness tried to deter me, I was able to get right back on track and that was fun for me. As I move into this "new life" I have to keep Jah infront of me, a smile on my face, and positivity in my heart. And I will.

My house is great... my home will be better.

Very funny, Jah.

a series of "funny" events written undoubtedly a tad confusing like the mind that composes it just try to follow along best you can.

SO, nobody can ever tell me again that G*d doesn't exist. Not only do we pretty much witness Him in everything we experience: our morning rise, the birds and flowers and sun that greets us, but we also see Him in everything we do. When we follow Him, live as He has set forth for us, I truly believe He blesses us beyond measure. A longtime-online friend of mine and I recently got back in touch. I am blessed to "know" several sistren thanks to the beauty of the World Wide Web. We initially met on a site that was helping us learn how to love and care for our tresses as Jehovah intended. And we would "run into" each other in various forums on health and wellness (did you workout today?, Weight Watchers and the like), parenting (trying to conceive, new moms etc.) It truly was a pleasing experience. Mrs. Delight (that's what we'll call her) was truly someone I envied. Not in the jealous, green-eyed monster kinda way, but this sista was just... awesome. She was a newlywed who'd just conceived her first child as a product of a procedure for someone who was having difficulty getting pregnant. She was just always a blessing to talk to. She and her husband had Jah first in their lives. And it was evident she was blessed just from how she spoke on the forums and blessed those around her.

It's no secret that I have always figured myself more spiritual than religious. In fact, even now after finally deciding on a religion, I still find myself still more spiritual than anything. I am not, nor will ever be one that condemns someone else for the God they serve, or if they don't believe in a God at all. Different strokes for different folks and when it's all said and done even though a majority (if not all) of religions believe that there is only one "correct" God, I think we're all secretly hoping that our God (by whichever name) has the winning hand... but I digress. Another blog for another day. Any who, this sista was definitely RELIGIOUS but not in that annoying way where she would hound you to do anything, pray for you off rip or anything weird like that. You just SAW it... in her spirit. And I loved how she presented herself, loved when she shared pics of her daughter and hubby, loved when she told stories of her weight loss, loved when she told stories of their first home. She just never appeared to be sad ... ever. Not saying that she was never sad or had problems, but if she did, she knew how to deal wid it sooo well. And I guess you could say, I looked up to her and admired her. So much to the point where I sorta, kinda a lil bit stalked her very old Fotki album as a way to find her. Sent her a message and now we're Facebook friends. lol We'd both sporadically been on the other outlets we'd stayed in touch via and now can stick close for as long as Facebook remains free and crack-like. I was happy to find that she and her hubby and their now TWO children were happy and still blessed. I just adore her. And I appreciate her for doing it right! I need those kinda presences in my life. Not that my friends suck or anything, but there's a reason I missed her yanno? And she still puts God first. There's gotta be something there, man. We can make any situation "work" and happy for those of us in it... if we follow the guidelines set out before us.

Don't Listen to What Ya Friends Say
SO, every time I type a blog I Google summa my thoughts and/or the title and see what imagery I can find that will correspond wid it. The above underline statement was gwan be a blog post in it's own, but then all these "funny" things started happening, and I decided to make just one long blog because they are all Jah-centered. (Me and my tangents... yikes!) This search, I typed in my title and a song by Fantasia came up. I like Fantasia, but I haven't really bought an album or dug her teaser song (the song they put on the radio to get you interested in buying the album) since the first one. So I have been out the loop, but she has a song called, "Bump What Ya Friends Say." Interestingly enough, what I was going to talk about that day. So I googled the lyrics and ultimately got the song and of course it's sung beautifully (how could it not be, her voice is amazing but whatevs). A nice little ballad about following your heart and don't listen to your friends/family.

So you gotta, you gotta follow your heart when it speaks
So bump what your friends say, yea
Cause they might lead you the wrong way
You know when you're in love.

I just thought this was funny because we always ask for advice from these mere mortals instead of asking the ones who we really need to listen to... like ourselves and more importantly, Jah.

This was brought on by one of my most favorite first cousins still hung up on an ex BOYFRIEND who committed the cardinal relationship sin: cheating. And I mean, hard core. When I went through my relationship downfall not cheating related my cousin had no mercy on my co-parent. When I was feeling sad or like "working it out" she told me to get over it... exercise my energy elsewhere etc. etc. Now that she and her ex are on the fritz she still continues to be friendly wid him (something she told me NOT to do and my situation wasn't nearly as drastic as hers ... in retrospect)... I still love her... she's only human. And it was my idea to take my problem to her versus the only being who really could answer the question for me.

SO, what you're saying is in one weekend... the same weekend... two people of my "past" want to talk to me... about you? There's some sort of revelations being passed out about clarity and having you first in our lives before we can build lives, friendships... families. You never make it very easy do ya?

Today I will sit in front of Co-Parent and for the first time in six months really address some things we never did for whatever reason. Bitterness... hurt... anger... whatever. Thursday I sat down wid the friend turned lover who was my rock during a difficult time, showing me all the qualities of a husband a queen deserves but our issues needed tending... It's uncanny that they both want to discuss in a matter of days. I thought I would come out tomorrow wid the clarity I needed but I am slowly learning that they will probably both give me much to think about. I, after all, am still thinking about my Thursday discussion. And I will have to take any and all questions and concerns to the Creator. No one else. If I am lucky, I will be able to salvage two friendships... in a single weekend

On my way to perform some community service... get out and enjoy the weather... embrace all things happily and see the world through a child's eyes today. It's fun.

I'll keep ya'll posted... as always.

But very funny, Jah. I get it. Hardy har har....

When Children Attach

I had the unfortunate displeasure of watching my sun not want to leave his father's embrace today. He wanted us to stand on his porch all together in the cold rain so long as it didn't mean he and I would get into the big thing and drive away, leaving his dad to go to work. Sitting in his arms, holding my hand, we walked to my whip. It was heart breaking. Co-Parent and I gave each other a weak smile as he loaded a pouting sun into his booster seat. I gave him the cinnamon bread I packed. Co-Parent and I debriefed for a couple minutes and then said our goodbyes.

The image of my child's face stayed embedded in my brain all day. Never did I think in a million years that a near 2 y/o would feel the disconnect between his parents and want to have them both to himself at the same time. In my final swoop, making quick moves as to make things better for him, I didn't think much how our actions would affect him. And that little adorable face always filled wid so much happiness pouting was enough to spark a million questions. Did we take the best course of action? Was there more we could have done? Blah blah blah...

Then I sat there and thought about how we adults can be so quick having beautiful, magnificent, brilliant children wid the wrong people... And how quickly we introduce our children to the person we think we're going to be wid forever. It's unfair to them... and us.

So then I picked up the phone to talk to my attached "adopted" son... and hear a voice I haven't heard in what feels like a looong time. In retrospect, it was prolly a bad idea.... but tis human nature to listen to our heart, instead of our first mind. Or our mind period for that matta. I wanted to ask him how school was and what he did on spring break.. but he was actually still in school when the rest of the kids were out. Suburban school. I asked about his brother and what he was doing to pass the time. Hoping they weren't fighting. Then he asked me, "Are you feeling better?" His question caught me off guard. I didn't want to respond that what his dad and I went through was may more than something I could feel better about, but I simply said, "I am much better talking to you."

This is why dating wid child can go belly up... tryin to decipher when something is real enough to bring someone around our children and when they get attached to someone temporarily in their lives, and more importantly, we get attached to their kids. I never understood how people "stay" somewhere for the children before but now I start to sympathize and wonder which situations are strong enough to stick out for the child's sake and work for, and at what point do we really take our children into main consideration. Parents have a lot more responsibility than I originally understood. Our moods, all of them, affect our children. And that effect could be damaging.

It was good to know he was happy and we talked for several minutes. I hope he enjoys his spring break... I do miss those crazy guys tho. Perhaps their mom and I can get the boys together this week. And as promised, I told The Sun he said hi. And this too, shall pass.

Sympathy

"The most unloving thing one can do is fire back at someone they claim to love wid angry words of emotion... just because he/she was hurting." ~ RBG

"You better watch who you beef wid."
~ Can-i-bus

I spoke of PPC yesterday... a man who appeared on paper to be my soul mate. You'd probably noticed, one thing I didn't do was bad mouth him... even though there left lots of room to do so. He was the first boyfriend of mine who was incredibly against a civil dissolution of love. I'd never experienced such anger and humiliation until I saw a bag of garbage thrown across the room just because I was ending our love affair, for just cause. I would experience it a couple times more since then... PPC bad mouthed me to our mutual friend, that I was disloyal and left when he needed me most. Luckily she knew the truth behind it all and knew if nothing else, I was the most loyal... we just weren't as compatible as I would have prayed. And while there was PLENTY I coulda went hard on him about, like real motherlovin problems... I never did. Even when he sent me a return mail (months later, I mailed to see how he was doing and to tell him I missed him and perhaps I could have handled things differently) with the most brutal attacks on my character I have ever read and heard... ever... about.me?

Then there was Blast, the one who put me on blast on his blog because I didn't really see room in my life for a long-distance relationship. He wasn't that bad in comparison... plus he did it in a discreet way where I was the only one who knew what the eff he was talking about. His opinion was that I was missing out on something without at least giving him a shot because of what had happened to me in the past wid LD relationships. He very well could have been right. But if don't nobody else know my mental... I do. And it's best I follow my first mind before I succumb to terms of endearment.

I read in a "friendly" letter yesterday, that someone dear to my heart didn't know whether " to hate (me) or feel sorry for (me)." I can't lie Blogsphere, it stung to hear someone I trusted and believed in, more than he originally believed in himself, to speak to me with a daggerous tongue. Knowing I don't viciously attack anyone... especially him. Knowing he continued a "relationship" for much too long wid someone who hurt him, emotionally attacked him and the foul shit he did in return... reading that let me know, as a best friend, I was not above the anger.

But I digress. He felt sorry for me because I didn't settle for a husband when one was looking me in the face. On a day/night (my father's born day) where every person who cared about me in my life was trying to keep me from being sad, thinking too much, being emotional, crying over my Daddy, reinstilling in me why they love me, because I love life... this friend was feeling sorry for and/or hating me. We already know it takes too much inner-g to hate someone, so I won't spend time on that one. But let's debrief about what is sympathy exactly?

sym⋅pa⋅thy

  /ˈsɪmpəθi/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [sim-puh-thee] noun, plural -thies, adjective –noun

harmony of or agreement in feeling, as between persons or on the part of one person with respect to another.

the harmony of feeling naturally existing between persons of like tastes or opinion or of congenial dispositions.

the fact or power of sharing the feelings of another, esp. in sorrow or trouble; fellow feeling, compassion, or commiseration.

sympathies, a. feelings or impulses of compassion. b. feelings of favor, support, or loyalty: It's hard to tell where your sympathies lie.

favorable or approving accord; favor or approval: He viewed the plan with sympathy and publicly backed it.

agreement, consonance, or accord.

Nice right? Only problem is, he doesn't sympathize he feels sorry.... for.me? That is not nice. Hate is definitely not nice. But I had to examine further. So he feels sorry for me because I thought to work on self before committing to someone. Is this how we weigh personal fulfillment? In the responsibility of another? Cause then how is it personal?

" But Gypsy woman as you approach 30 you will have to set down somewhere, as a mother of (The) wonderful Sun."

Sit down somewhere? As if I am out of control? Or reckless? Say word, friend? I am anything BUT. I've been a great mother to my Sun. A.fucking.great.one. For nearing three years this September. When he was conceived. I walked throughout my pregnancy and did yoga and water aerobics. I stopped drinking, smoking my occasional cigar or even being around second-hand smoke. I had him vaginally, and naturally, and it was the most beautiful moment I've ever experienced. I took him to the doctor on schedule, vaccinated on time, asked the doctors all kindsa "crazy new mom" questions to be on top of my game. Left unstable situations, despite the womanly fear to be alone, because I know what's best for him. I play wid him for at least two hours everyday and some days... hell, many days... are just about him. This life thing, now is just about him. To set(tle) down SOMEWHERE to me suggests settle down anywhere. And THAT my friend, is something the true Mother of the Sun, Dawta of Light, just will never do. Whether I am approaching 30 or 300.

I'm hurt, cause not only do I never attack my friend on what HE should work on, have, be doing at his older age (instead always focusing on what I can fix in self and only being supportive of my friend recognizing potential he failed to see) but it.really... sucks that in a land of so much opportunity, in two thousand and nine, for Pete's sake, a woman who actually leaves her house to physically GO to work for 40 hours a month and still makes more than the standard household income for a single mom (hey, I ain't rich, but TRUST I do aite! and only a few months young in this consulting thang) a woman who owns her own car, has her own home, a woman who pays her bills on time with astonishingly sexy credit score, a woman who raises her sun extremely well given the cards dealt, feeds him nutritious foods, who is conscious, healthy, caring, educated two times over, can be felt sorry for because she doesn't have a husband. Or isn't settling on one. This is bullshit.

And just because I am angry in return I still won't dagger my tongue. That friend was important to me. I truly love him. I still pray for him. But "drunk lips" don't lie... and I know now at least a piece of what he was really thinking when I was emotionally battling what to do about my husband in training. What that judgmental friend clearly will never understand is that it was a hard... extremely hard... decision to make. But I made it for the best interest of everyone. I suggest my old friend, and even my ex-husband in training, take a look at themselves before feeling sorry for me. Like I look at myself... widout ever having the disgusting gall to feel sorry for him.



"People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you will know exactly what to do."
~ Anonymous

Happy Founder's Day, Dearest & Sincerest

"Allll of my love and peace and happiness... I'm gonna give it to ZETA!"

I truly love my Z-Phi! It was a long and hard road to obtain you, but once I had you, I swore I would never lose you. And I haven't. I will never misplace or displace you because you helped me seal in my security, cement my identity, and give me that extra push to remember that nothing, absolutely nothing, is impossible... unless you give up on it.

I sought you out and knew I could love you in 1999... at a tender 19, I met N. Calhoun in my T/TH literature class. She would walk in so cool... like nothing else mattered. And I would watch her, "girl crushing" all the way to her seat everyday until the day she walked in with those beautiful three letters brazened across her chest. Z Φ B....

Was it coincidence that after studying the history of all four sororal organizations in the Divine 9 that I decided I wanted to pledge Zeta that she walked in with that crispy Blu sweater? Couldn't be. After I had been to each informational and/or after having a discussion with a lady that represented each particular organization well on campus...

Then a cold day of that same semester, my Jah sister called with great news from Virginia... "I just crossed sands... into Zeta Land!".... OK, Jah, I will take heed.

The road is looong, searching for Phi Beta... the road is tough, to Zeta Land.

Filled wid every emotion I can think of ... and drama surely (I mean even a small group of females comes with drama, so what you think an organization of 'em can do?! lol) but through it all, the race was not given to the quick and the strong but the tried and true Soror, who endures to the end.

To my Dean Strictly Business: Thank you for looking me in my eyes and saying: "This will not be easy... you will sweat, you will cry... but when all is said and done... you will thank me and garner respect from every Zeta you meet." I now know, whole heartedly what you meant... you're the greatest Life Member I know... you bleed blue, cry white and exemplify Finer Womanhood in everything you do.

To my AD Paranoia (and eventually my Pers): You saved my line. I know I joke about it with you all the time. But the crossing gift we presented you... a lifesaver is so sincere. You taught us things in set that helped us endure... when we would have failed so miserably when we went in front of the... others. You represent everything conscious and real to me. A real finer woman, who I am thankful to have SO MUCH in common with that we often think the same thoughts. Thanks for teaching us how to make set... less painful lol and being a true friend and sister to me!

To My Sands... we been through some ups and downs, but in the end you are my tail for life... my back... my Sands. And I know if Jah is willing one day we'll be sitting Indian style in my front room again, rehashing old stories, crying over lost time and smiling at what we accomplished five years ago this April, a lifetime ago when we legacy your daughters.

I love each of you... even when we are very far away.

And to all the Sorors I've loved, cried with, disliked before... whether financial, life member, "renegade," getting your money right to reclaim or sick of the administration (Americans didn't leave the country cause they didn't like the president... you have to stick and maintain even in the time of adversity) I love you too much to ever leave your side. To US, today, tomorrow and everyday here after:

HAPPY FOUNDERS DAY! 89 YEARS AND STILL PURRRRRFECT!