Friends Come.....

(REAL) friends don't go.

Over my lifetime, I've not lost too many people I considered REAL friends. And the few I have lost, I wondered what the underlying issue really was. At the end of 2009 I lost someone who'd I thought was a really good friend. We'll call her UV (Ukrainian Village). We had really become close through my BFF when we all worked at the newspaper in college. I was her boss our senior year and from there we just kinda blossomed... 9 years later she was helping me move my sun and I into our house. I had NO idea that two months later when she lost her job our "friendship" would go somewhere it couldn't come back from. We remained Facebook friends for several months after she cursed and cried into the phone at me... but when we were supposed to bring it back to center and that never happened... I finally just had to cut her loose.

Recently, I've had to do this again. And while it's painful. I'd rather have people in my life who can talk to me about ANYTHING even if it's something that may hurt my feelings than have you filter or shelter your feelings around and/or about me. I'm a Capricorn and therefore a pretty shoot from the hip individual. Everything I say you're probably not gonna like. There WILL be situations I could handle better. But at the end of the day, I'm a loyal and devout FRIEND... give it to you off my back or my last (so long as the boy is fed and clothed) kinda friend. And those are the same friends I seek. Granted, I'm not looking... but anyone who's in my life understands that EVEN if we do have a confrontation, or hell -- just a straight bitch fest -- tomorrow (or at least in a couple days) that shit is water under a damn bridge. We're gonna talk about it and move.the.eff.on.

The last thing I expect to do (or should have to do) is have to work real hard to get that friend to talk to me or hear me out. Cause I wouldn't do that to him/her. And I'm not gonna take our personal business to a third party and ESPECIALLY not a social network cause how disrespectful to you. But I supposed if you're a so-called friend, what do you care of how you handle it. *shrug*

I'm not perfect... I've never claimed to be... but I am 30-f*cking-1... and I just can't continue to try to make things WORK with people who claim to care for me... and be the only one. I wouldn't do it for my significant other... and I'm not gonna do it for you. I'm gonna handle things like an adult. I wish everyone who has ever entered my life and had to leave the very BEST. I mean that. Hell, I've even wished EXES (who didn't deserve it) well in life.. And I will miss (most of) them... but I can't continue to struggle. And I won't. If you can't fight for our friendship. Why should I?

In the meantime, I'm SO thankful to the people in my life who get me... know I'm here to want and hope for the absolute best for them and knowing that they have the same regard, and respect for me.

Not so random... but hopefully only the REALEST are left standing...

Upping The Girly Gangster Quotient..... Gangster

Even though my skin is being asstastic... I was sitting around thinking this weekend about how my girl tendencies have just fallen by the wayside. In the past nearing two years at my company, I have not really worn heels as much because I'm always on my feet, walking around and carrying 50-lb bags as a part of the workshops I do... it only took a few months in the position to learn my cute heels and pumps are to stay on the shelves of my shoe closet.

Even my mani/pedi's have trailed off... mostly because of the winter but I vowed to myself this weekend to re-up the girly quotient. I know I've always been a tom boy, but I still had the basic girl qualities: a love of shopping, pretty shoes and handbags, mani/pedis, new hairstyles, gloss shadows, and liners... but since havin Sun (best moment ever) my priorities shifted something crazy... which I mean, in hind sight is good......... but I gotta remember to take care of myself.

I don't remember the last time I went shoe shopping.... I'm wearing the same joints I had for years and that's unlike me.... panties shopping? Sheeeeeesh. For the really pretty expensive sets? YEARS... don't get me wrong, I ain't granny panty-ing it, but I used to stay atop these things. I have decided to stop doing my loc maintenance so much... my roots are tender, but I've also began to play with styles... and I'm gonna buy a foot bath to keep my mani/pedi's up when I'm not being pampered... I need to re-up my eyeshadow game... I've had the same mascara for lord knows how long... I gotta up my Girly Gangster... I am already a tomboy... I can't leave the little girl I have left behind.

Where'd she go? She gotta be around here somewhere.

Must begin to re-embrace the womanly stuff...

Do Over (2010 Wrap Up)

"Even though I was outta line, I miss you like all the time and if you don't wanna see me fine. A good girl's hard to find, so maybe in due time... Can I get a do, ooooover? Can I get a do, ooooover?"
~Ghostface Killah f. Raheem Devaughn

I've been on a bit of an extended break from work and I'm so excited about it. Last Tuesday afternoon at 5 p.m. I did the Robot right on out the door and will not return to the office until January 3 of the New Year.

Speaking of the New Year, it's always a time to clean out the old and bring in the new. So last weekend I began to empty my house of excess clutter starting with my home office. (I'd already taken every work giveaway and paraphernalia to the office the week prior.) You'd be surprised how much paper and sh*t you accumulate over two years time in a new house. Just starting with the home office, I've got a ways to go, but in that initial sweep I ran across an old journal of mine from 2007 and started skimming over it. I flipped from page to page of bad bad memories and depressing disposition. Instead of sulking there in those pages, brewing over the past I ripped them out, tore them into pieces, and threw them away right along with shredded bank statements and random magazines I never read. I kept only the first entry written 5 months after my sun was born. I share that here:

Nov. 12, 2007

My WORD was I depressing when I was pregnant! I just spent the last hour skimming through old entries... yuck! All the "woe is me, why can't (CP) love me the way I deserve to be loved" crap gave me a headache. For real. No wonder I stayed emotional and sh*t: worried about the wrong bull pooh. WOW! So um yeah, thankfully I was blessed with a healthy baby boy nearly five months ago despite the fact that I was too busy worried about his daddy during my pregnancy.

(Sun) is a wonderful baby. He truly lights up my life. He's adorable, he's happy, he's sweet and funny. Yes, funny! Can't speak a word yet but his sense of humor is already developed. I love him with every fiber of my being. He makes every day that I get up and pray to the Creator and go to work worth living. And when work is over I can't wait to get home to him.

Speaking of work, I currently have two jobs (kinda) at the moment. I am working to try to prove myself at better paying gig in my field to get hired on permanently. It's way out in Lincolnshire. When I initially interviewed he (male boss, yay!) said that it would be 2-3 weeks before they made a decision to hire me on or keep me as a consultant. This week marks the beginning of my fourth full week. So I plan to revisit our conversation to see where I stand because I have to let my other boss know something. Meanwhile, my mother is handling things for him in my absence. She's doing a great job too.

I am praying that everything will be as it should w/the better gig. I tried the Suzy Homemaker role, letting the man be the breadwinner but it's just not for me... right now. Perhaps one day it could be but right now I want the family and the career. And for the last month I've been able to do just that. The job (as per usual) comes with certain irritants but it's in my field, pays well and will afford me the things I'm trying to build towards and accomplish by 30. It's time to realize what's important... in life. Worrying about my mate, what he's doing and will I ever marry and sh*t like that does nothing but stagnate a person. And that's exactly what the devil wants to happen. He wants to sidetrack your progress

Well, I am DONE giving him that kinda power. Over me... over my life... anything! I am still working to keep my relationship solid. Still staying loyal and quite determined to make it work. But I know I am only one part of the equation. And that's the only part of the equation I can worry about and know for sure.

My baby is five months old in three days. What a blessing! Thank you, Jehovah for all you've allowed for me. I should be sleeping, but I was asleep pretty much all evening when I got home. I was exhausted! Didn't even cook or eat dinner...... "Tomorrow, tomorrow and tomorrow."

~ (RBG)

The New Year also brings about for most a great deal of introspection on life and all it's mishaps. How we want to rid ourselves of those mishaps in a new year... don't bring all that same drama or baggage with us. Start fresh. A "do over" of sorts. All in hopes that we won't be doing the same thing December next year. Reading that journal entry of how life has changed (and what has stayed the same) in the last 3 years really made me emotional. I'm really proud of where I am now, even though I have more debt accrued now than then. Even though I'm still not married with child. I can really appreciate where I am MENTALLY. Even though I still have my moments. I think as humans we all will have a bit of insecurity as a common trait. Some of you just do better at masking it to the world. But truly, I've grown so much as a WOMAN in that period of time. That I really would like to sit back and congratulate myself on that growth.

Because I truly reinvented... life. Myself. It's hard to believe that my 31st birthday is right around the corner. In a couple weeks in fact. And in my decision to begin to strip off my old personality and start really applying the new one, it brings great hope in knowing that if I am fortunate to see 2012, I WON'T BE doin the same ol wishin for a "do over" but embracing all the new blessings. Not that my old personality was bad... she rocks.. but there's just so much about her that could be better. Face it... so many things we can't redo... we can't go back and not have a child or choose to have one, we can't get a do over when someone close to us dies... but we can continue to do things, or redo things within ourselves until we get it right. We can continue to accentuate the positives and really hone in on the not-so positives.

I choose to do that...

I can't redo so many things... I just.can't. But I can act like tomorrow is a new day and continue the RIGHT way to do things. No matter what others are doing around me. Because (honesty moment) I can be very much an in SPITE girl. Do things because I'm hurt... or wronged.. or to let it be known I can do things too -- with NO hesitation, problem and just as much pleasure... when pushed.

That journal entry let me know how far I've come... as a mother, professionally (being in a career where, yes, I work hard to prove myself everyday but people NOTICE and want me to lead the teams that will make our field have the most impact) personally and in relationships. I'm happy. Very... even on days when I'm extremely irritated by, whatever, I can SMILE on the outside and in at how happy and blessed I am to be around the people that mean the most to me... and who love the hell... outta me. Face it... I got out of a relationship in which I felt like I wasn't always the most important and now reside in one where I feel I can talk to my mate about anything and even if he doesn't understand..... he'll TRY... because I'm number one... That means something.

EVERY New Year we'll talk about the next year "being different" or what we're gonna do.. I don't wanna do too much differently. I wanna strip off my old personality from a spiritual perspective, yes, but I also wanna continue these personal successes... move to the next levels.... director positions... marriage... continue raising that happy, FUNNY, sun... and all with the Creator by our side.... 2011... let's get it.

Happy New Year Faithful Readers.... do all you can... and be all you can in the newest year of our era.

*~RBG~*

Image Source: http://www.fortefoundation.org/images/content/pagebuilder/19251.jpg

F.L.A.G.S.

"I returned to see under the sun that the swift do not have the race, nor the mighty ones the battle... time and unforeseen occurrence befall them all." ~Ecclesiastes 9:11

The race of dating can be very exciting... The green f.l.a.g. signals it's time to start... "and they're off!" Hot and heavy. You can't get enough of each other... you think about each other all throughout the day... you text/call just to say hi, about the happenings of your day, to say good morning/night, send pics of yourself while doing mundane tasks.

"Trying on more shoes! LOL :-)"

It's truly one of the best parts about Love. The newness, the smiles, the laughs, the mindset that nothing else matters at all but you, him and the beauty that is ya'll. Then you start to mellow out. You don't need to chat allll day... since you'll see him when you get off.. you may still say "I love you" at the end of the conversation but only if the mood is right. You're comfortable in your relationship. You're happy. Things aren't roses, butterflies and rainbows everyday but you're content with the progress you're making... little did you know after coasting comfortably through that lap... danger befalls you... yellow f.l.a.g. a problem arises... it could be a variation of things. Something that alters the mood, the chi, the atmosphere and it shakes the comfort zone... makes you wonder how a couple once so in looove could seem like total strangers around each other. You're in the same room not talking to each other... doing anything but in fact. And you don't even know how the hell you got there. It's because you didn't pay attention to the problems people create... the red f.l.a.g.s. when s/he reconnected with an "old friend" who s/he just happened to sleep with once upon a time. While you thought you were growing together s/he was out (re)connecting with people from the past or new b*tches/dudes all together.... and talking to that person for hours on end... 30-40-60 minute conversations... middle of the night phone calls... When s/he stopped having sex with you or complimenting you. When s/he couldn't even tell you what s/he thinks of you... "I think you're great... amazing... even though you get on my nerves sometimes.... I think you're a perfect parent to our child... I think I love you more each day..." anything but silence. When you stopped being friends first and only business partners... splitting the bills but not sharing feelings and having fun together... when s/he accepted a picture of his/her exes genitalia... when you read or found out that s/he still loved him/her...when s/he stopped caring what you thought about things, didn't ask your opinion... when s/he did things to intentionally hurt you... just to get back at you for something. When your grown up relationship felt like you were dating a child who can't open up to you and just have a conversation before they go and act out..... and then by the time those red f.l.a.g.s. appear... you have nowhere to go... you feel like you've wasted time on the wrong person... you discount all the good times you guys had together, someone doesn't wanna work at it to see where things went wrong. And you wave your white f.l.a.g. You quit. You surrender... You bow out. You've given it your best years ... all you had and failed. You're defeated... and before you know it you look up, and someone is waving that checkered f.l.a.g. signaling one last lap... you throw caution into the wind and go for it... and forget the race you just lost for the hope... the faith.... the determination and mindset of finally crossing the finish line.... yet after all your races... STILL unready and unprepared to lose again.

I been in this game for years; it made me a animal. It's rules to this sh*t; I wrote me a manual. A step-by-step booklet for you to get your game on track, not your wig pushed back. ~B.I.G. "10 Crack Commandments"

For the Love of the Almighty, Get Serious!

Perfect Timing

"If we wait for the moment when everything, absolutely everything, is right we shall never begin." ~Iva Turgenev

My biggest fear about dying, is wishing I had more time. Because we never know when death will come knocking but we KNOW it's gonna come (damn that Adam!) it's important to live every day to the fullest. But everybody SAYS that, but rarely do. I try not to spend a lot of time mad... or go to bed mad, what if I don't wake up? It's very important to me to leave this world making my presence felt and living my most content... this blog has a few variables... stay with me.

I reconnected with an old school buddy on Facebook who got engaged last year. I recently asked her how the wedding planning was going and when was the big day. She proceeded to tell me that they'd decided to postpone the wedding until 2012 (!) because she wanted it to be "right." I listened to her story and took it all in, but how much ownness do we put on the things that really don't matter.... really? I mean, I realize I'm not the typical girl. I haven't been thinking of my "dream wedding" since I was 9 and I'm more of a simple elegance ring or precious stone centered kinda girl than big, flashy "look at me!" rings. I'd much rather a small intimate location wedding with our closest family and friends that some big to do... I often think people use money and "getting it right" with apprehension because "It don't take a whole day to recognize sunshine." You either want to be married soon or you don't. She'd talked about their children a lot saying she'd been going to church and really wanted their family to be recognized by God, yet her wedding is more important than that.

Given the dreams I've been having lately, I am pretty sure whenever I find some unsuspecting fool to marry me, my wedding will be great in it's own right. A special day for US and no one else. Because when it really gets down to it, the wedding (with all the money that goes into it) is becoming more and more about the guests than the bride and groom. I went to an old friend's wedding a few weeks back... beautiful Michigan Ave set up.. it was AWESOME... but I know also that my friend (the groom) was spending a LOT of money to make sure guests thought it was awesome. I am just praying there's no wedding bill... we guests ate, drank well and the NEWLYWEDS are stuck with the bill... just doesn't make much sense to me. I think the whole reasoning and importance of weddings (marriage) are getting diluted with unimportant fears, insecurities and preconceived notions and images people want to maintain. When did it stop being about God? And love? And stuff? Why do people make up so many excuses to NOT officialize their love? When will it EVER really be the right time? Furthermore, we don't even know if we will be AROUND in 2012... I'd rather love you in holy matrimony now and be good in HIS eyes than risk it. But what do I know... I'm just a "single" girl in a big city.

Speaking of single girls... an old friend Facebooked me last week. This friend and I stopped talkin back in late 2008 / early 2009... and I don't know why... exactly. There was never any discussion or separation of things... she just one day wasn't returning my calls or messages. I'd even resorted to MySpace messaging her when I called her to congratulate her on her graduation and never heard anything but she sent me a MYSPACE message saying thank you. I'd discussed how to approach this friend with a few people in my circle... but never was able to place the solution. So it was surprising to see her pop back up in my Facebook messages.

Our conversation was fluid... as our friendship once had been but all I kept thinking about was why she walked away from our friendship in the first place. What'd I done so badly that constituted an abrupt cease and dismissal like I never existed... what sparked me in her memory? Pics of us in New Orleans for spring break. Do we all have those moments? Those... I miss this person moments... and at what point do we look into them or keep them on the shelf.

There's this old saying, that "People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Once you figure out which it is, you will know exactly what to do." I totally believe that. We're supposed to get together for lunch/dinner sometime in October... if it never happens I can at least NOW be content on knowing that I tried my best... I made an impact... and in the end, that's what matters...

It's never gonna be the right time to do what we must or need to do... just do it, trusting and knowing that it will be just as it should. I'm not waiting for the right time anymore... I'm going to take chances and continue to be happy.

I love my life... and each person in it. Let's just do it already...

The Emotional Runner

So it happened again... my outside run meltdown. I'd originally started this blog last week but wanted to conduct some research first. But because I am lazy it took substantially longer than it shoulda... but now I know, that, running outside... is liberating.

I am an emotional runner.

Not sure if it's all the endorphins or the sweat... or the view of the lake... or my shin splint that calls me all kinds of Bs and hoes when I'm done, or the runners I trick that I too am a runner when they give me the "what's up" nod and smile thinkin I'm huffin and puffin it out... KNOWIN I just was walking.... but twice now, after my outside run, I've teared up. What the hell is that about? I ran twice this past week and I certainly needed to.

I know running serves as a way to clear your mind... and each time now it has done just that. I did it. It was nice because all while running, listening to myself pant and feeling old muscles I haven't seen or heard from in ages start to ache and burn... I didn't think about anything that ached my heart and mind... things I can't control, things I am uncertain about, things I can't explain, why I can't control what goes into my mouth (or what comes out of it sometimes), why people who've never taken the time to know me hate me so... coming back around my turn and coming off that last incline all my thoughts ran down my cheeks.

And I felt... great.

The tears didn't help me answer any of those questions or qualify anything... but they helped me to release, if only for a moment. My professional week was... an utter disaster. New boss... strong arm approach... makes for a combative RBG...

Boss: I wouldn't call it combative.
RBG: I would.

I respect everybody... until I am given a reason not to. Lying to my face, being intimidated by lil ol me... I can't help it because I have a bubbly personality and (most) of everybody I come into contact with likes me... while people are wondering why you're walkin around the office like a stick's up your butt... people are inviting me to after work affairs... bish get real.

The Queen is here.... Sound the TRUMPETS!

In all seriousness, I'm really harmless (unless you cross me). I've been examining it, from ladies who think I "stole" their man to coworkers who think I'm competing for their raise/promotion... to now bosses who think they can come on my turf and strong arm my respect and just make me do it how you want to... listen up, the LOT of you... I ain't taking NO MO disrespect. We having closed-door conversations from here on out. When I originally decided to publish this thought process into a blog, I was all set to dissect why ya'll feel soooo inferior... but I've decided to digress.

I used to find it funny. But now, I just don't give a f*ck.

"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent."
~Eleanor Roosevelt

Toodles to you b*tches...

~*RBG*~

Finding The GRAY Area

Friday I asked my boss (who I admonish as my mentor pretty much) what he thought I needed to be able to go for a director position within a year (my own timeline not a proposed one) and he told me I was the total package... IF I could stop looking at things in black and white. He said I needed to learn that every problem person has something we dislike about them, something we can learn from them and something we can use. He says I am the type of person who will completely box someone for the wrong they've done instead of looking at what about that person I can use to help me excel. And that can make or break me in Corporate America. (That was a synopsis) I thought about this long and hard... and he's right. Case in point, with a situation at work... a colleague has been lying on me and to me, profusely and adamantly. And instead of defending myself by demanding a meeting of the minds, I just allowed her to say what she thought she must. Now, I did confront her more than once on the subject but she always denied it to my face and went behind me and did the same thing. MY logic was that, the people she was lying to should know me and my work ethic and if they choose to believe that despite what they see me doing everyday then that's on them as adult professionals.

But as for HER, she is officially dead to me. Even though I think she is outstanding at what she does (even if I now question if her way to get to the top is as amoral as she is) I know she will also stab me in the back at any moment she gets. This caused me to think about how I (simply) am. I have done this before with several people with a "That's just how he/she is" approach. Some of my old friends and even my mates. I will not hesitate to put you in a box. "I know she's a little crazy sometimes but she's really cool when she wants to be." "Yeah she's kinda a ho a bit wild, but she's a good person and super fun." "He DOES love me, but will flirty text his ex-wife / ex-girlfriend or just stop by her house without me knowing after work 'for the child'." I mean... it happens. And I have no one to blame but myself for keeping these toxic people in my lives for so long. And it really boils down to a lack of trust... I don't trust many people... what's that saying, "keep your friends close and your enemies even closer?" Perhaps that plays a role here. I don't want you near me and look for proper exit strategies when I feel I am being mistreated. I'm tiiiiired, Blog World. What makes someone who claims to respect ME and have love for ME show such blatant disrespect the minute s/he thinks I'm not looking?

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING!

I DO! And then having you smiling in my face telling me you like me, respect my work ethic, LOVE me, are happy with me, wanna be with/marry me, are looking out for me just makes me lose respect for you... as a human being. I wouldn't do that to you. I WON'T do that to someone... not someone I claim to care about and/or respect. Not someone I claim to Love... which brings me to my next point....

Is "Love" Simply a Four-Letter Word?

I used to get really pissed when I heard "love is just a four-letter word" but maybe I've been wrong. People say it so easily. We say we love Jehovah yet we don't live how He would want us to. I've seen a woman who claims to serve Jehovah and be baptized try to break up happy homes because she's so miserable and her ex man let's her. We say we love our jobs but fake sick to take a day off and constantly look for the next best thing. We say we love our mates but constantly create friction with infidelity and unfaithful nature. Instead of maybe saying, "you know what, I love you and someone else and have NO idea how to choose and don't want to... and I give false hope to this one (and you as well) because I have you both thinking I love you very much. Furthermore, s/he and I are gonna snicker when we're all in the presence of each other because s/he and I think you don't know that we flirt when you're not looking." It's not that hard... is it? What causes people to forget that LOVE is a serious emotion that should not be taken lightly. Can you love two people at one time? Absolutely. But at some point we have to choose. You're not making a CHOICE and by playing both sides of the emotional field you are figuratively killing your family. Can you live without a religion? Sure, but at some point you're going to have to CHOOSE to live by the Bible or suffer the consequences. Can you work with someone you hate? Most definitely, but at some point you're going to have to CHOOSE how you interact with them. Is everything worth demanding a meeting of the minds? I'm starting to think I take that "sit back and see" approach too much.

Instead of demanding answers of my coworker, I decided to "see" would she change, what would happen and it lead me to transferring offices. The same could be said for relationships... except in those I waited to see if Jehovah would bless the union/make him see what he had... each situation doesn't require me to do much... but try to exercise patience. A conversation on patience over the weekend led me to realize I'm not very patient... but clearly judging from this I have more patience than I thought. But this is where I fail. Because trouble is finding me again... even though I changed my location... even though I changed my order.

I must find this gray area... because black or white is destroying me. I need to venture out of my comfort zone if I'm going to be victorious. (And I always win.) I suppose I should start with demanding a meeting of the minds...

But I know myself... I don't wanna nut up and flip out on someone's gray area.

If Not Me... Then Who??

To Be Continued....

Priority Male

Do people still think the grass is greener elsewhere? Like do people really still drop a relationship/situation on it's head because of the hope and thought that someone else will better deal with their crap, screw them better, cook everyday, clean, sing in the shower, whatever?

I ask because I don't... anymore. But often times in the past have wondered if I sometimes should. I've been known to stick to people and jobs for much longer than I probably should have and ended up getting burned in the end and by burned I mean heartbroken or fired. I often think too much about... well, everything. This is what makes me a (partially good and mildly entertaining) writer, because I've always got something on my mind, and sometimes when the mood hits me I will put that thought to paper... today's thought: people and their priorities.

Now that I've entered my third decade of life, my focus has shifted a lot. I find great joy most of the time in doing nothing but spending time with my family doing the simple things. Lately though, I've felt the Boot of Boredom on my neck... I look to do things outside of the house and find the desire of certain people to do those things with me is lacking. Is it because I'm a mom and people can see me as nothing else? Did people forget how much fun I can be when I disrobe from my Mom garb and just be RBG? What's really so fascinating about being in the house anyway? Trust me, I've spent goo gobs of time in here and unless you're feet to Jesus, tipsy and watching a good fight or game, or cuddled watching a movie -- not just watching a movie, the cuddle is what makes it nice -- it's really not that awesome... and frankly, I'm sick of it.

You'd hope as you age, others age. As you grow, others grow... but when you think about it, we're all really still the little kid inside. We handle our business and take care of our responsibilities because we were raised right, but truth is, we would really rather be without said responsibilities... and when you get right down to it, we just want to do whatever we want to do. But when you have a family, you can't... well you can't IF you're a good, responsible person.

Where do your priorities fall? What and WHO is really important to you now? How important is it to you to keep it?? .... what would you do to keep it, if one day it was all snatched from you?

This post is all over the place... but so is my mind right now...

Happy Saturday....

I'm Just Lovin' ME For a Moment

Pardon me... I'm just loving me for a moment this morning.

I woke up this morning to the smell of my conditioned hair...
As I lay in my satin sheets, I noticed the beautiful outline of my vessel.

It came to me...
I am a resurrected vessel... Beautiful. Moving into another level of wholeness. I think I ought to love ME this morning..

Pardon me... I'm just loving ME for a moment this morning

I woke up this morning to the pattern of my own shadow; I cannot only see it but I can appreciate it. If a perfect God can take that much time in molding ME, loving ME, cherishing ME, reshaping ME... then surely I am worth loving me...

Pardon me... I'm just loving ME for a moment this morning

I woke up this morning alone, but not lonely. I got tired of waiting for someone to put ice in my soda, milk in my tea, jam on my biscuits, peas in my rice, and soap on my back.

I am not alone.

I have me.... I have me.... I have ME....
and then I have the omnipresent God who has made me...
When I put the ice in my soda... He stands there observing me...
ready to suggest creative ways to set my table.

Pardon me... I'm just loving ME for a moment this morning

I woke up this morning and beheld the beautiful reflection of a five-foot-something frame; a soft smile, a shiny nose , medium length hair, brown-skinned complexion, and a Biblically perfect shape. I leaned forward and kissed the mirror... "I LOVE YOU, GIRL!" Not because of your external beauty... Not because Mama said you were beautiful... Not because a man told you you were beautiful, NO!

Because God values... YOU!
Because God loves... YOU!
When I look at all your attributes, and I think about what God has predestined you to become... I can only say that I LOVE you..

For all the battles you've conquered...
For the tears you've shed...
For the negative words that shot you down...
For the pain you've overcome...
For the growth you've sustained... I LOVE YOU, Girl..

Pardon me... I'm just loving ME for a moment this morning

~Minister Nina Clark~

2009 Rewind...

2009, for me, was all about Love.
I can sum it up in just that one little powerful word.

I started a To Be Continued post on The Black Family a while black... and how it was dying. Dead. Kaput. This is my rewind of that.

While I DO still feel the Black Family has a loooong way to go, I no longer feel it's a lost cause... I think. I spoke to a friend of mine, a Married of several years, like 7 who is contemplating leaving the Sacred Union because there is little that can be done to restore it back to it's original goodness. With three little ones, a nice home, two cars, head of household at stake, it's difficult for many to see how someone could walk away. I feel bad for that friend, cause I know that Friend has been trying the hardest to keep things afloat in that marriage. It makes me wonder... not only about the Black Family but about this concept of forever..

"I want this shit forever mayne." ~ Drake

Forever is such a long time... and it often worries me. I mean, I think about a couple like my parents who suffered and survived every kind of problem a marriage could from alcoholism, anger management, heart attacks, infidelity to death, and still managed to look at each other lovingly after 27 years... and pray that at least the "lovingly" is in my future. I don't know that I have the patience or staying power to deal with a few of those things... but marriage says for "better or worse," "in sickness and in health"... clearly many people don't take this charge (hence why we have a something like 58% divorce rate?). I know each year of any relationship (married or otherwise) is going to come with ups and downs... at what point do we stop wanting the "forever" we signed up for?

In my present relationship, everyday is a lesson. Everyday is a glimpse into the future. And I am enjoying each day more and more, even the trying ones to get to that forever possibility. I've read of people marrying someone "no matter what was going on at the time" they proposed. Meaning, things were clearly wrong, and probably destined to fail but people still entered into something so serious. Why do we do that, exactly? When we know something is wrong, or won't work yet we enter into it anyway? For... ever? Is it because we take the concept and idea of marriage so lightly the thought of "well, if it don't work, I'll just get a divorce?"

I mean, I know I am a never married individual speaking on this subject but that's how we unmarried individuals either stay unmarried or only marry — and stay married — once. Hopefully the latter for me. I know I talk a lot of shit, but there should be NO contesting I'd make an awesome wife... *pauses to see who dare disagree*.......
......
...........
............

*ahem* so I say all that to say this:

Black Family, we can be so much more than Dads visiting their children every other weekend, baby mama drama, and constant drama and bullshit. (I do realize white families go through a lot of the same, but that doesn't affect me.) I just keep looking at that Ebony cover of the Obama's... you think Barack and Michelle don't have issues or haven't had any in all their years? OK, maybe they're as perfect as they look, lol, but the point is, I am sure they have days where Michelle/Barack is like, "OK, please get away from me" but both realize the importance of the other in her/his life.

Sooo with all this introspective thinking.... I came up with one solid solution for hope: we can save our families starting with taking more responsibility for our own actions.

MEN...

Leave your pasts behind... you guys are so caught up on hurting someones feelings, or just not over someone, holding on to someone who you can't be with or don't want to be with, stirring feelings just cause you got too much time on your hands, or WHATEVER the fock you're doing does NOT help. I mean, seriously, if you don't listen to anything I've EVER said, listen to me NOW when I say, pick a path (read: woman) and stick with her. Give her your ALL.. and see how that goes for you... video chatting, sex texts, inappropriate pic mails with your exes, baby mamas, jumpoffs and the like just keep us in the struggle... COMMIT.

WOMEN....

You can't become a different person once you have the ring or a few months in. Rationing the precious, not cooking, not keeping yourself tight around the waist and what not (trust me I'm guilty of all.. OK, not the first one, but maybe the second from time to time and definitely the last BUT my eyes are open now...I'm on it lol). You have to do the SAME things you did to get him to keep him... it's a poorly used reason from men when they cheat, but when you think about it, it's true. We often transform ourselves during the dating process, or so I hear, cause we are looking for marriage... I implore you: STOP it! To know you... is to love you! He should get to know you. If he loves that person in the present... he'll love her in the future.

MEN...

You can't be sitting around the house not doing NOTHIN.. clean up, take the garbage out, wash a dish, help with the kids! Motherhood and taking care of a home is TIRING... it's helpful to your home and relationship to lend a helping hand. And not just every once in a while, but on a REGULAR basis.

WO(MAN)...

Be prepared to work together... pray together, put God first, cause it takes HARD GOTDAMN WORK to get to forever. And listen to your mate... sometimes — hell often times — they are putting you on notice without causing a fuss. Found something troubling, but leave subtle hints to avoid drama but let you know to shape up or ship the hell out...

Let's NOT enter into anymore future forevers without understanding the work and commitment there needs to be on our OWN part to salvage it and make it its best. Stop always pointing a finger and fix yourself first. You know what wrong you doing before it's even pointed out. Unless you're one of those people who just sucks... come on people... I could cry writing this blog post. I know the Black Family could be SO much more, if we just give ourselves some credit for our own shit... the good, the bad and the ugly...

Ya'll kno who it is....

I'm All In...

photo courtesy of photos.tobinhosting.com/d/4682-2/aag.jpg

INTROSPECTION

"Commit the oldest sins, the newest kind of ways."
~ W. Shakespeare

I've not done much in life that I regret.... OK, not anything... but at times, lately, more often than not, I regret... that. I wish I'd stuck out my decision... not caved under hardship. Remembered why I made decisions I made and not allowed a sweet, innocent face to deter me. Because times change, people... generally don't. And this is as it will probably always be. I have been filled with SO many thoughts as these last months of 2009 linger and die...where the fock did this year go anyway? A year ago, I had a new outlook on life... and in the course of 12-months, I had a dream deferred, a job that told me to go kick rocks and an altering of position that I never, ever expected.

30 seemed so far away 9 years ago... hell even 4 years ago at 25... and now here she is... standing along-side a practicing her lines 29, before the curtain comes up for her big show. Fidgeting with her nervous fingers and listening to Lauryn Hill bellow... "they got sooo much to say right now... they've got so much to say..." Wondering what she still has to prove... and who to. Wondering why life has played out this way. Why she's perfect for someone she can't have the way she wants him. Why she's not married. Wondering how she was so blessed to have a beautiful, healthy sun who accepts and doesn't care about any of her faults...to him, she is perfect and all he ever needs.

She paces behind that curtain, wondering if she's still got it... wondering if her voice is back and will it be heard.... scared this debut could go extremely well or fail in flames. The crowd is getting antsy.... but then she remembers... she's never looked better. She's blessed beyond measure... and sometimes you have to live for the moment. SO with that said, she stops being sooo apprehensive... starts knowing that even if this is her very last show.... it will be spectacular...

Because she has learned to seize the day.... live in this moment. For the first time in her life, she's headlining!

I may not always trust my first mind... and listen to my heart before my head... but it's gotten me into just as many great situations as it has "second-thoughts"....I was nervous about 30, but as it nears, I'm learning that my life IS dramatic, and full of ups and downs, but my successes and triumphs aren't to be discounted JUST because I am at times an emotional mess and unmarried.

30 is gonna have just as much good stuff... and it's nothing to be afraid of... time to perform!

"Live in de light!"
~ Fertile Ground

You Just Do You...

"I'ma do me!"

I'm tired blog world.

Life and times of RBG have been one for the record books in 2009.

Ups and downs, twists and turns, smiles and hollers and tears from the wind... just like a roller coaster.

An emotional roller coaster... man, I loved that song. It's a shame I can't listen to it now because I have bad memories of it. I'm kicking ass in the gym... which is nice, but I stay draggin. My house hasn't been RBG clean in months and people I love(d) keep contradicting themselves... it's all too much. I don't have the concentration to focus on studying for my certs... I don't have the desire to look for a (better) gig because I'm starting to doubt myself as a professional... starting to worry that I really don't work well for others.. can't keep my mouth shut.. always wanting to speak my mind... thinkin I kno what's best... OK, I usually do, but still.... *SIGH*

I'm tired. Starting to doubt the sanctity of marriage or hell monogamous relationships for that matter. Starting to wonder if I can do either or will ever be able to without wanting to slap the dog shit out of my partner. If I'll have any more children. Wondering if toddlers are really evil little adorable beings sent from the Planet Twubble. Just thinkin and wondering way too much, really. I am certain it has a lot to do with me turning 30 in January. Even though 30 is still young and I'm fairly vibrant, it's still associated with getting older... I... am getting... older... word??? And with old age comes death... and I don't want to die.... you know, like ... ever. lol

I always look at people sideways when they're like, "I ain't afraid to die!" or "I'm ready to meet Jesus." Ummmm well let me be the first real b*tch to say, I AM afraid; and I am sure he's very nice but I don't want to meet him anytime soon. Also something I wonder/worry about... so many religions to choose from... none that 100% satisfy me... it's annoying. I know I am capable of living right, doing right, being right but when will I be ready. Which on is right? If I choose this one and I get "there" and it's not the right choice then what?! I'm screwed. I was takin my aggression on on the treadmill (well still am) and several other endorphin-building activities, but then I hurt my knee which slowed me down some.

Speaking of running... I kinda wanna run away some days. Did I already say I could use need a vacation?

With all that said, things are on the up and up.. lol And just like that, getting all that off my chest, I'm exhausted now. Yet, I can't go to sleep... *looks over at crazy toddler* is this justice?

The Relationship Queen...

I must say that after processing all the emotion that has come with the last seven months, it's rather relieving to not be worried about the stress and problems of relationships.. my splits never really last long. My frat brother always jokes "So what's goin on? I kno you don't stay on the market long!" But hell, it's not as flattering a compliment if all men want to do is just DATE you. haha! But whatevs... so I had really, literally, been in a relationship since I was a teenager, engaged at 15 even!

The only and first intentional break was in 2004 right after breaking up with PPC... I needed to really re-assess myself. And it was fun and I enjoyed it. Sex with no strings attached, several dates a week, intellectual conversations with versatile minds... I had a ball.

So the breather has been nice... but I've found at my wiser age.. I don't have time to sleep with someone no strings attached... so I'm not gonna. And it really isn't my style anyway... plus I always only have one partner at a time, so that kinda takes the excitement out of the concept.

I learned exactly who I was in my time away and saw so many traits of myself that I wanted and needed to work on. And am proud to say I am working on them... we're all works in progress aftaall but it's important to work on self before throwin all that onto someone else's plate...

I am enjoying, finally finally, enjoying coming full center with my emotions. No anger. No sadness. No jealousy. No insecurity... just lil ol me, happy, vibrant, confident, not snippy nor attitudinal... talkin through things versus yelling, screaming, crying, giving up... yes...

Sometimes I remember the disappointment. I mean, several things didn't turn out the way I expected, thought or would have ever imagined they would... and I am sure He has more surprises in store... but I am trusting in Him... and gwan with the flow. I no longer need to jump in and out of relationships... on and off the market... gonna make it do what it do and be what it must... yoouuuu diiiig.

*SIGH*

Let's examine who you really mad at....

Chyle, you took me to a place I hadn't been in a WHILE! lol

I remember it well... quite scary. I'm glad for growth though... I'm better now. I hope you feel better too... for the record, I did send you a chat request... perhaps we can talk more when you calm down.

Unhappiness Breeds Haters

That is all. That is why I will never be one... a hater that is. Cause I stays happy. :-)

And I stay attracting haters and problematic people... leave me alone, losers! lolol

And stop stalkin! If a (wo)man wants you, you won't have to stalk Twitter, Facebook, nothing... he or she will CALL you! There's an idea. Doy.

Don't haters just make you wan yell: "Get your ass outta here with that dumb stuff!" ??

Or is that just me?

"Groundhog Day"

Am I experiencing my own personal "Groundhog Day?"

You've seen the movie, yes? Where Bill Murray relives the same day over and over and over again because there's something he's not seeing, saying, doing right? Then the day he gets it all figured out, he can move on to the next day that is his life?

I feel like that sometimes. OK, most of the time.

"A Job Ain't Nothing But Work"
In my professional career, I keep running into the same misunderstood scenario. I'm a Capricorn, so by nature, I am a perfectionist and hard worker. I am also my daddy's child, so by gene, I have this "fuck off" switch that auto triggers when my expertise, education, love, good sense are being tested.

I've run into my fair share of bosses. I was able to really learn something from a couple, but in general, it's been disappointment after disappointment with different contracts since I arrived to the Windy City. Back in 2007, I was released from a "really good corporate position" (oxymoron I know) before my 90 days because of reasons still unknown to me. It was then I thought that maybe it was female bosses and me that didn't really work out. I was emotional and newly pregnant then though... so I attributed a lot of whatever the misunderstanding was to that.

Just when I thought I was back in the saddle for real-life work experience again, at the beginning of 2008 finding a job at a fairly established non-profit organization; nine months later I was released from that supposedly due to the recession but a burning in my soul tells me it was because of managerial differences in approach more than anything.

I held my first job out of college for near four years before arriving here to a slew of positions. Some teaching a goo gob and other's a real waste of time, but a way to pay the bills. Now, with MORE bills, I am faced with the difficult question: Is it me?

"Still Hurts... Still Hurts. When it comes to love. I got a lot to learn."

I love Macy Gray... only she can bawl out the most sentimental words that shake me with that unmistakable raspy alto. In love, I haven't been very successful. So much in fact, I keep repeating the same mistake relationship after relationship.

I am a control freak. I want things how I want them on my own terms and how I expect them. I cringe when my overnight guests push the toothpaste from the top of the tube. I want to know all your business. I think there should be rules and regulations foreverything. At least I did... In the past six months, I've learned and embraced to fucking let go of the reigns. Be a bit more care-free in my approach. Not only is it less taxing on my emotional state, but I mean, is it really that.serious? I think that's a large part of the reason (one of my) current boss(es) hates my guts. "What's the big deal??" In hindsight... my most recent dynamic was who I have been to dynamics before it. Possessive, too rules oriented, too much pressure, just couldn't enjoy the good things/times/moments, dealing with insecurities, waiting on it to fail vs. fueling it to survive. In that, I saw what I had been to my Co-Parent. (Not saying he was a saint or didn't do anything wrong) but I lived first hand what that can do to something that was once so beautiful. Tire someone. Drain someone. Ruin "perfection."

I know I always joke about being a gypsy... use that as a way to describe myself. I don't retract that today... but I almost wish I were more gypsy... wish my parents named me "Meadow" and I didn't care about a thing but being happy and rocking out... rolling a fatty and living life without a care in the world. Of course, I cannot do that. But for the last six months, it's been excellent to take pieces of her where appropriate and just be... calm. I don't know what my next dynamic (read: relationship) will hold. But I know what it won't. It's been therapeutic to move forward past my own shit....

They say imitation is the truest form of flattery
Seeing my words and style, ways I do things and mannerisms scattered around the net is unnerving... it's nice to know I made an impact on a person(s) but man, I know I ain't trademarked jack but it would be nice to have a little accreditation for things blatantly stolen from me... it's like reliving my own shit all over again...

It wasn't as easy done as said, but I have changed my mindset... my needs and wants have changed. It's nice not to worry. Not to sit around angry or unhappy or sad about someone else's issues. So even though I AM looking forward to the future...

I am more anxious to WAKE.UP tomorrow and not relive the same damn things. Over and over again... forward!

Stubborn Is As Stubborn Does

So the weekend was ... enlightening to say the least.



More to come... just sayin hi.

And Now For My Closing Remarks

"I don't scratch my head unless it itches and I don't dance unless I hear some music. I will not be intimidated. That's just the way it is."
~ Coach Herman Boone "Remember the Titans"

So it's been a crazy couple days. Love Lockdown over the weekend, my child keeps waking up at odd hours of the night, confused people keep vandalizing my blog, my desk looks like a tornado hit it, folks think they teaching me lessons via snarky blog posts... I mean, my Jah! What on erf did I do to warrant such lunacy?! lol I'm a very optimistic, turn the other cheek, severely conscious person and while that doesn't change today, people definitely been tryin to test me. The conclusion I've made is it boils down to unhappy folks trying to upset my Chi. Welp! It ain't gone happen. My Grams would say something like, "misery loves company." But I ain't never been miserable in my damn life. Maybe a lil stubborn at times... harsh wid the tone... a tomboy who walks extremely well in heels, but never miserable, pathetic or loser-like. "I'm a winner. I'm going to win."

But the fact is, I've wasted way too much inner-g on several issues that no longer require my attention. To be honest, they didn't really require my attention from jump, but I wouldn't be a real sassy Capricorn if I didn't at least get my point across. I wasn't in debates for nothing.

What DOES require my attention is my busy toddler, my wonderful home, getting my home office in order to get-get-get get busy (ya'll remember that?) and this workout that has me sore as all get out... damn you Chalene! *angry fist* After a brief morning meditation, because my child just doesn't sleep in even on spring break I realized even though I have absolutely no care in my mind to the ridiculousness... I am giving people too much of my time and thought process. Wondering why, who, what, when where, how. So I close out these crazy chapters wid these last two posts on the matters at hand. Even though the events fall directly in line wid what I do here... it don't get no realah than that, Black Girl. I am done aiding and abetting crazy people, tho. Hopefully she gets the message. I didn't mean it to get snippy, but man, ya'll should see how many times she replied on the wrong blog wid this nonsense and at strange hours of the morning when normal people are sleep or working the overnight shift. But hell, therapy ain't free and I caint continue to administer 1. widout a license but 2. widout gettin that money! I spoke to my brother (a cop) bout my concerns and he said that I am handling each situation marvelously (that's a given! :) ) because I didn't allow it to fester and I am the documentation queen. So there that is. Finito.

Moving on....

Sweaty locs love.
I need some frickin product that's gonna keep my locs maintained a lil longer. All this sweating has my babies already puffy again when I retwisted like a week ago. I don't want build up in em though, so not sure what plan of action to take. I'ma hafta figure it out tho, cause I went from working out none to five times a week and my hair is like naw, naw, naw HELL naw! We ain't on that RBG!

Gotta get some act eat right.
So, my workouts seem to finally be coming on point... I'm actually making it through the whole thing now lol but my eating is still draggin feet. I have all the ingredients but I'm just kinda eating all of them... lol, must get that together. Also, I realize the extra hunger is a direct product of the activity, but I have to start being accountable for exactly what goes in... my caloric intake and all that jazz. I will try, try, try my best to use Spark more often.

Really, gwan get stuff done today... for real
Once done posting here, I'm turning on tunes and cleaning, tossing, etc. Then I will put lil bit down for an early nap since he's been up since 5 a.m. (grr) and then do my workout and finish cleaning... hopefully I will completely exhaust myself today and then I can really, really REST uninterrupted this evening. Here's a'hopin. I'm sure there's something I'm forgetting... oh, I ain't get out the house all day yesterday EITHA... Rj and I are definitely experiencing some cabin fever. Seriously, seriously gonna get out today. I need to go to Tarje... ooh la la.