Let's Hear It For The Boys...

"Sooo let me get this straight: you dress and look like this *points* yet you smoke an occasional cigar, love sports, play Poker, drink whiskey and watch ESPN? Will you marry me?" (Paraphrase) ~Guy at a Bar

While other sisters were trying to break their tomboy attributes I always embraced mine. I knew one day I would dress like a lady, I was in no rush. Even when I was in grammar school and the average boy couldn't really see who RBG was (I can think of three guys who had interest in me during junior high which is minuscule in comparison to my then girly counterparts) it didn't bother me. I wasn't interested in much of anything the standard boy was into then anyway... Nope... I was more into 3-way phone conversations of gossip, shooting hoops, rollerblading and all things active, and still playing with my dolls and toys (yeah, on a public blog I said it). It wasn't until I hit high school when ALL the boys adored a frosh-soph jock. Not only was I athletic, but I had a big ass... bonus. Freshman year I began to embrace my femininity as much as a TOM BOY for the first 14 years of her life could. So I wasn't necessarily wearing skirts and dresses yet (OK, I just started really wearing skirts and dresses within the past six years). I also have a very strong, public speaker like voice...

..... what the hell was the point of this blog? .........

Oh yes. I've never been afraid to be the tomboy... BE "one of the guys" because I found without any sort of extensive research that if you were seen as a buddy they could eventually see you as a girl; once they saw you as a girl, they could see you as their girl... it never failed. Fool proof! And I was doing very well with this particular way of thinking... until I had a child. Don't get me wrong, having my sun is still the best thing I've done to date... but something fundamentally changes a man's perception of you when a woman... gives birth. Suddenly, I'm not RBG the homie anymore... I'm RBG the mom. Despite me ONLY wanting a boy as my first child (and publicly announcing it -- there was none of that "so long as it's healthy" crap with me) because I knew I would be able to CONNECT with him more vs. a girl... despite all my guy-like qualities without being a butch lesbian I am still seen as "wife" and mother... versus the person and friend you fell in love with. And I think this is completely unfair. I'm still me... and still a LOT of fun. (If I do say so myself.)

I'm blessed with very strong familial support so I generally, even if I do hate to ask sometimes, can always find a sitter — everyone ADORES my child... why wouldn't they? — so getting away is never a problem. I didn't turn into one of those weird holier than though moms either. I don't specifically ask that you change your language around my sun, though I will ask you to smoke outside (he has young lungs and second-hand smoke kills!) and to be completely honest, unless it's a family event where other children are present, you don't even have to worry about seeing my child at all. And you'd only KNOW I was a mom if you knew me. Even at work, I don't talk about him unless someone asks who the adorable creature is on my desk. And even then it's not a flip out pictures moment and telling you stories about his first steps (unless you inquire cause you're reeeeally curious). I still have my own identity. I still love to do the things that make me me... in FACT, I appreciate them more now because I am an outstanding mother and my child is now my main priority, so I do spend a lot of time with him but I still need a life outside of him. You can't remain sane any other way. Luckily for my sake I was never a "baby talk" person so I still know how to speak to adults as such because well, I talk to my sun, as such. Ever since the womb. I'm really a great, down-to-earth mom who never lost sight of herself despite my biggest fears that I wouldn't know what the hell I'm doing. Think Miranda. (Long video...really first to up about the 4th minute'll do ya.)



So... why does this happen... to me? I don't know yet, but I want my life back... the life when my men friends/mates still invited me to the things we used to do that made us the friendship/couple to envy... the best friend you've always wanted who can not only look good in a suit and a dress, but help you through your lady problems... share a beer from a bottle as it was intended, yell at the game while cussin like a sailor (only when ABSOLUTELY necessary) but still a tiger in the bedroom, can cook and all that gibberish. I am not trying to lose my identity in being a mom. I need all my components on a regular basis: my motherly ya dig, my simply-RBG ish, my girlfriend time (I am fabulous and loooove tight jeans, shoes and handbags and my walk is mean), but more importantly, my man time. My tomboy isn't going anywhere... no matter if my lip gloss is poppin and there's a jogger stroller in the back of my whip.

So please, don't forget about ya boi.

Cheers! *raises fried chicken and a shot of Maker's Mark with well-manicured and polished nails*

On To The Next One

"The same way you get 'em, is the same way you lose 'em" ~Soror W.

So I have been hearing story after story of the Alicia Keyes and Swizz Beatz rumors to the point where I finally decided I needed to say my two cents on the matter. And some people ain't gonna like it.






Stop being mad at Alicia Keys!
(Yeah, I said it!)

I just read Mashonda's open letter TwitTM to Alicia Keys about ruining her marriage and I was floored. Why do women always attack the "other" woman? Be it verbally or physically? I will never understand. Speaking AS a woman who has been cheated on, left for another woman, I can honestly say I've never been THAT chick. No Tweets for me. No MySpace or Facebook stalking your life... or lives together.... it's just whatever it is. I may have had some choice words for him, but that's to be expected. He's the one that looked me in MY face, told me he loved me, would never hurt/leave me, blahditty. Mashonda's case a bit different. He was her husband... and apparently they'd been married a long time. Five years in fact. They'd taken vows before God that they would "forsaken all others." Swizz broke that vow... not Alicia. (Now, I am simply giving an example AS IF the rumor they were having an affair is true... I am still not so sure it is.) [Below are actual excerpts of the Twit, from Vibe.com]

"Me and my husband have worked out our differences. We are in a good place as people and as parents. I accept his choices and I am comfortable enough with myself to move on."

Now this the shit I don't get... so your husband, of FIVE years who you just had a son by and you are in a GOOD place... you accept his choices... WHY on earth are you still reaching out to Alicia Keys? Is she not supposed to be happy she's in love/engaged/pregnant? Is she not supposed to talk about her happiness? What explanation or apology or "concern" does she owe you? Like Judge Judy say, she didn't take your vows with you (IF this alleged affair really did take place) HE did.

It's easy to tell the (other) woman, in a nutshell, "yeah um, we still together and happy..... he still come see me, visit me, with me, sleeps with me..... we gettin back together... you're just a side piece... you this or you that..." but most of these scorned wives generally know the score but are gonna tell the other woman whatever she needs to in attempts, to rattle thangs up. Get under the (other) hers skin.

"My concern with AK is no longer the fact that she assisted in destroying a family but that she has the audacity to make these selfish comments about love and wanting to be with someone, even after knowing their situation."

We really don't know WHAT she knew if you really wanna get down to it. For all we know, Alicia Keys could have found out ex-wifey was pregnant via a text sent to Swizz when Keys was on her way out of town/the country. She probably confronted him about it because he didn't mention it and started to do the math and figured in order for her to be pregnant, that would mean they were sleeping together more recently than what Swizz originally told her and now she's a victim of circumstance cause she's head over heels for him and sometimes it's not that easy to walk away from love especially with him saying he still wants to be with her. (This is all hypothetical... I think.) Further, she can't "assist" in destroying a family that was already destroyed. I refuse to believe people walk away from perfectly happy marriages. When it's a well-known fact that MOST people cheat because of some void they feel at home. I just can't see them not having a conversation or three about issues in their marriage.

I'm not judging you, I put you and the whole situation in the hands of God, the Higher Power.

Why do people DO that?! We're all in God's hands way before any transgression. Like we each have some super powers that put our issue in front of the BILLIONS Jehovah has to deal with on a daily basis... always talking God's hands and Karma and all that... when your religion probably doesn't even believe in Karma! Cut that out people!

According to Swizz, in an article on Zimbio, they'd been separated 10 months... how stories can conflict, hunh?

NOW, in NO way am I condoning extramarital affairs. Should I ever find some unsuspecting fool to marry me it is my largest concern cause I truly think men create their own problems with the emotional connections they keep. Setting themselves up for FAILURE. The flesh is weak and as we remember from my last post, the mind controls the body. We already know more than half of marriages fail... we just all go into 'em hoping we'll be apart of the minority.

Mostly, the cataclyst for this blog? I just want people to start taking responsibility for their own shit. No one can destroy your marriage/relationship. We do that on our own. No one can "take" your lover... your lover willingly goes. No one OWES you any sort of respect, concern, or discussion... so just be happy when you get it.

I said I would be continuing to support her career. Nobody wants to look at that sh--. They wanna look at 'Alicia Keys.' That sh-- is ignorant." ~Swizz Beatz

Exactly.. if you gonna look at anybody... look at Swizz! LOL ... but no, forreal.

ONLY Swizz and Alicia know what they were really doing or — for THAT matter — what Swizz was really telling her while they were doing what they were doing, because they can concoct some very elaborate stories, can't they?

All that being said, I hope Alicia watches herself. She may wake up a couple years later with a beautiful seed, finding that her hubz still holds a closer relationship to his ex than she thinks. Scorned wives have a way of trolling their ex's new relationship and just staying on top of it. Because they WANT that relationship to fail. They want someone (specifically her) to experience what they did, even if they SAY they don't. So be leery, girl, of her sending old pics, texting about the good times, pictures of body parts, inappropriate conversations nothing to do with the child, asking him to get her a new wardrobe, hair done, shoes (and not with alimony or child support but out of YA'LLs money) and him ACTUALLY DOING IT, referencing their marriage CONSTANTLY, reliving the engagement and when he bought the ring, all the "remember when?s" and possibly taking your child out with theirs behind your back like THEY'RE a family! Like Sunshine Anderson said, "I heard it ALL before!"

My Soror constanly uses the phrase: "The way you get him is the way you gone lose him."
Sometimes we don't realize how we got 'em.... you just a victim of circumstance. On to the next one...

Sources: maniestopart2.com, thehoodtime.com, dailymail.co.uk, vibe.com, zimbio.com

Past and Present... Tense.

First, hello to my new followers... I hope you find something of interest here. :)

Secondly, allow me to apologize for my absence on this space. I have been more active on my business blog than this one and for that, I am sorry. I needed a breather from the madness that was trying to take over... here. Life has been swell. So much has happened so allow me to synop, sis.

"We were together... living as one. Until something happened... One day our love was gone. Always seems to be, something in the past. That won't let us last...."
~ One Way ft. Al Hudson

I love this song... it is so fitting for this post.

Yesterday is the past... We always use the past as some sort of evil conduit to remind us why we left someone... and the question now is, why dwell on it. Why not get over it and move "past" the past? Isn't it worth it to live for today? About a month ago, I read some disturbing, yet familiar, information. I found out that my exH.I.T. had met up with an ex who he had described to me as nothing short of Satan. They sat in the park, smiling and reminiscing about the good times while they sought clarity on their relationship and made nice. And he said they would always be friends. Then in a retraction after my questions of confusion, told me that indeed they were not friends and it was a mistake to call her etc. etc. I know he's going through a lot emotionally, so this is not a post to bash him, or examine credibility or trust or whatever, but instead to discuss how it spawned me to search for my own clarity.

I really had to evaluate everything that got me to where I was at that moment... I thought of how my sun was that day on the porch, and I called back my co-parent to finish a tabled discussion on ... friendship, love, life and the pursuit of a happy family. We laughed, we didn't cry, we were honest and forthcoming. He sat on my couch and we were comfortable. It made me wonder if a couple of people who were so detrimental and evil to each other could come to center to talk and be friends after slight violence, rudeness, infidelity, lies, utmost disloyalty, and utter hurt and disappointment could meet in the park and be friends, surely my friend/relationship of 23 years that only failed due to exhaustion, stubbornness and loneliness could be salvaged in some shape or form.

Tomorrow is the future... who knows what will become of the relationships, marriages we enter into. I was discussing all the possibilities with my homegirl LovelyLox and I said to her, that I really wish I knew sometimes how it all will play out. She answered with about the most insightful answer I could ask for, "however you want it to." She's right. The truth of the matter is, just about everything can be worked out between two people who have about 85% of their shit together if those two are forgiving partners, are two people willing to work at it, and two people who know they aren't perfect. The problem lies when we get tired.... do we still want to fight for what it is we know is right. What we want. Nervousness and fear... they will try to stifle us... haters, people who want to wish us harm will try to ruin us... the devil will be busy. He/she always got something to do

But maybe exHit had the right idea... return to the source. See what lies there... perhaps you will find the friend who will be there forever. no...matter... what...

He once (well always really) told me that any man who didn't fight for me was a fool... he was right.


But today is a gift. That's why we call it, the present... my sun recently celebrated commencing his second year on this earth. It makes me, overjoyed to know that I have been able to bask in his presence for two years. He amazes me daily, loves me wholeheartedly and unconditionally, and likewise I would do anything for him. He has shown me, single-handedly what "real love" is. I thank God for him. For his birthday, we kept it very low-key. No party, no cake, no candles... just us. We went to the zoo, we went clothes shopping, we went toys shopping, he played with his cousins, his sister, we ordered in food, he took pictures... he had a very full enjoyable weekend. So much that on his birthday (Monday) he was in bed by 8 p.m. and slept all night. Wore out... but enjoyed every minute. And so did we. It was awesome... Toddlerville is an interesting venture in itself. My little baby is now a child, who is growing so rapidly. It seems like just yesterday I was brewing him in my womb.... and now here he is a big boy, talkin back to me and gettin into all kindsa trouble from jumpin off pillows to the hardwood almost crackin teeth to peeing on the floor DESPITE knowing where "the pot" is and that he is supposed to use it... aye, potty training could be a post all its own. But in all his toddlerness, he fills our lives with so much joy.... and that alone is worth celebrating.

My family may not be perfect... but it is mine. And it will be fine. Because I choose to put myself out there.. I've, as I always advise my friends, loved ones, exHit to do... taken time to get myself together... feel like myself again... examine my faults, strengths and weaknesses... and I'm ready to move forward, lay it all on the line and put the past where it should be.... behind me. Behind us. Tucked away never to be spoken of again...

"Don't bring it up, don't bring it up... don't keep bringing up the past."

Turning My House Into A Home

"I’m not meant to live alone, turn this house into a home. When I climb the stairs and turn the key... Oh, please be there, still in love... I said still in love... Still in love wiiiiith meee...yeah..."

~ Luther V. (R.I.P.)

"My back has been ashy for six months... it's one of the drawbacks of not living wid your mate... no one to rub on the aloe vera."

~RBG to homegirl Bee

So, I have inhabited my new home for six months on the 28th of this month. And it's so dope to me. A rare great find in a tiny little community. I've spruced it up something nice but there's more I want to do. By nature, I am a redecorate junkie. I am always tweaking something, changing a couch around or putting something in a new location but never real decoration. That stops now. I have finally asked myself: "What can I do to turn my house into a home?"

In normal dynamics, professionals are called in... contractors, plumbers, specialist in landscaping, construction or whatever. But your girl is young, fabulous and broke, so I am calling on the D.I.Y. (do it yourself queen) my "mom-in-law"... over the past 30-some odd years she has built china cabinets, bookshelves, kitchen supplies, shelving, reupholstered couches and re-did her floors. She is truly my handy inspiration. She is on vacation for two weeks but already knows to enjoy it thoroughly cause when she gets back, she, my sketches and I are gwan to work. I was gonna do it myself, but I can't afford costly mistakes. I had to bring in the big guns. Thankfully, everything I wanna do is cosmetic... I'm very, very excited.

In other but similar news...
This new, don't tell people details about my business thing is pretty cool and entertaining all at the same time. I mean, I am a blogger which pretty much means across the board you're an open book. If you don't have a blog strictly devoted to some topic (health and wellness, politics, relationships, design, your own business) most of us just ramble on and on about our lives and things that no one really cares about. But hopefully do it in an interesting way that will garner the attention of complete strangers. So it's easy for us to tell our whole life story when someone asks us a simple question. This has been my way all my life... I divulge all my information about my job, my spouse or whatever when there's a problem and rarely talk about the GOOD stuff. The truth was evident in my journals... I wrote when I was sad, when he was pissing me off. When I was miserable and unhappy. I never wrote about the good days. I am tryin this new thing I've branded: The Bare Necessity. Only what you really need to know and ONLY should be nosy enough to ask.

I am goign to continue living life as only an optimist should... both eyes forward only focusing on the positive because for the last six months, that is what kept me sane. And I loved every minute of it. Even when heartbreak and craziness tried to deter me, I was able to get right back on track and that was fun for me. As I move into this "new life" I have to keep Jah infront of me, a smile on my face, and positivity in my heart. And I will.

My house is great... my home will be better.

When Children Attach

I had the unfortunate displeasure of watching my sun not want to leave his father's embrace today. He wanted us to stand on his porch all together in the cold rain so long as it didn't mean he and I would get into the big thing and drive away, leaving his dad to go to work. Sitting in his arms, holding my hand, we walked to my whip. It was heart breaking. Co-Parent and I gave each other a weak smile as he loaded a pouting sun into his booster seat. I gave him the cinnamon bread I packed. Co-Parent and I debriefed for a couple minutes and then said our goodbyes.

The image of my child's face stayed embedded in my brain all day. Never did I think in a million years that a near 2 y/o would feel the disconnect between his parents and want to have them both to himself at the same time. In my final swoop, making quick moves as to make things better for him, I didn't think much how our actions would affect him. And that little adorable face always filled wid so much happiness pouting was enough to spark a million questions. Did we take the best course of action? Was there more we could have done? Blah blah blah...

Then I sat there and thought about how we adults can be so quick having beautiful, magnificent, brilliant children wid the wrong people... And how quickly we introduce our children to the person we think we're going to be wid forever. It's unfair to them... and us.

So then I picked up the phone to talk to my attached "adopted" son... and hear a voice I haven't heard in what feels like a looong time. In retrospect, it was prolly a bad idea.... but tis human nature to listen to our heart, instead of our first mind. Or our mind period for that matta. I wanted to ask him how school was and what he did on spring break.. but he was actually still in school when the rest of the kids were out. Suburban school. I asked about his brother and what he was doing to pass the time. Hoping they weren't fighting. Then he asked me, "Are you feeling better?" His question caught me off guard. I didn't want to respond that what his dad and I went through was may more than something I could feel better about, but I simply said, "I am much better talking to you."

This is why dating wid child can go belly up... tryin to decipher when something is real enough to bring someone around our children and when they get attached to someone temporarily in their lives, and more importantly, we get attached to their kids. I never understood how people "stay" somewhere for the children before but now I start to sympathize and wonder which situations are strong enough to stick out for the child's sake and work for, and at what point do we really take our children into main consideration. Parents have a lot more responsibility than I originally understood. Our moods, all of them, affect our children. And that effect could be damaging.

It was good to know he was happy and we talked for several minutes. I hope he enjoys his spring break... I do miss those crazy guys tho. Perhaps their mom and I can get the boys together this week. And as promised, I told The Sun he said hi. And this too, shall pass.

My Star Player

I did the entire workout this morning after missing my workout yesterday... next week and weeks after, I commit to getting them all in. All five in succession with the plan. I had some Trinidadian food on Saturday meeting my Soror and her mom for a lunch invite ("anything to keep you in the now!") so I admit I ate my leftovers for breakfast... not only because they were delicious but because it gets them out the way. :)

I think my way to approach it today was the best... because I am admittedly out of shape, I did the first 25 minutes to my highest energy level making low-impact modifications where necessary and then took a short 2-3 minute break while drinking lots of water and then finished the last 20 minutes with the same intensity. It worked out. I still have to do the Ab Burner... but that'll be an after lunch deal. I meditated my way into sleep last night at 10 p.m. A long emotionally taxing weekend came to a close to sounds of the Serengeti and I woke up feeling a bit better, safer.

I love meditation. It is my time for a release, a relaxation, a prayer, a moment to regain clarity. It's a lot deeper than people give it credit. It's not a weird cult-like activity either. For me, it's no different than people who have alters in their home and pray to their God of choice. Use the chart below for a very brief visual of the act of meditation.


In other news, I am going to take the week (spring break) to start reading a book on time management... I am usually a pretty good judge of time and can multi-task very well. I am also rather organized but I have found, admittedly, in my mom time it's a little more difficult to completely 100% plan for two people. I need to refresher course and figure out a better plan of action to keep a decent home widout letting time wid my child and living my life fall by the wayside and keeing an extraordinary child widout letting my home fall by the wayside! :)

Since we got snow... again! I am gonna take the day to get a lot accomplished in the house. It's not supposed to warm back up till Wednesday, so thankfully I have a full cupboard/fridge and not many errands to make happen. So I can concentrate on getting home and heart in order, relax some, get some doc and dentist appts in on Wed and Thurs., Memorial, and gear up for Good Friday. I think in honor of 5 years after entering Zeta Land I will celebrate by hitting up some Chicago night life. We'll see which way the wind blows.

I am re-determined. I feel so silly for so many reasons but am using this as a real pause to the madness and getting my ish together for the unltimate good. I have a lot of positive things in my future... and I will no longer be deterred. As Katt would say, "get in tune with your mothef*ckin star player!"

Make this week a great one... you only get one life to live!

Sympathy

"The most unloving thing one can do is fire back at someone they claim to love wid angry words of emotion... just because he/she was hurting." ~ RBG

"You better watch who you beef wid."
~ Can-i-bus

I spoke of PPC yesterday... a man who appeared on paper to be my soul mate. You'd probably noticed, one thing I didn't do was bad mouth him... even though there left lots of room to do so. He was the first boyfriend of mine who was incredibly against a civil dissolution of love. I'd never experienced such anger and humiliation until I saw a bag of garbage thrown across the room just because I was ending our love affair, for just cause. I would experience it a couple times more since then... PPC bad mouthed me to our mutual friend, that I was disloyal and left when he needed me most. Luckily she knew the truth behind it all and knew if nothing else, I was the most loyal... we just weren't as compatible as I would have prayed. And while there was PLENTY I coulda went hard on him about, like real motherlovin problems... I never did. Even when he sent me a return mail (months later, I mailed to see how he was doing and to tell him I missed him and perhaps I could have handled things differently) with the most brutal attacks on my character I have ever read and heard... ever... about.me?

Then there was Blast, the one who put me on blast on his blog because I didn't really see room in my life for a long-distance relationship. He wasn't that bad in comparison... plus he did it in a discreet way where I was the only one who knew what the eff he was talking about. His opinion was that I was missing out on something without at least giving him a shot because of what had happened to me in the past wid LD relationships. He very well could have been right. But if don't nobody else know my mental... I do. And it's best I follow my first mind before I succumb to terms of endearment.

I read in a "friendly" letter yesterday, that someone dear to my heart didn't know whether " to hate (me) or feel sorry for (me)." I can't lie Blogsphere, it stung to hear someone I trusted and believed in, more than he originally believed in himself, to speak to me with a daggerous tongue. Knowing I don't viciously attack anyone... especially him. Knowing he continued a "relationship" for much too long wid someone who hurt him, emotionally attacked him and the foul shit he did in return... reading that let me know, as a best friend, I was not above the anger.

But I digress. He felt sorry for me because I didn't settle for a husband when one was looking me in the face. On a day/night (my father's born day) where every person who cared about me in my life was trying to keep me from being sad, thinking too much, being emotional, crying over my Daddy, reinstilling in me why they love me, because I love life... this friend was feeling sorry for and/or hating me. We already know it takes too much inner-g to hate someone, so I won't spend time on that one. But let's debrief about what is sympathy exactly?

sym⋅pa⋅thy

  /ˈsɪmpəθi/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [sim-puh-thee] noun, plural -thies, adjective –noun

harmony of or agreement in feeling, as between persons or on the part of one person with respect to another.

the harmony of feeling naturally existing between persons of like tastes or opinion or of congenial dispositions.

the fact or power of sharing the feelings of another, esp. in sorrow or trouble; fellow feeling, compassion, or commiseration.

sympathies, a. feelings or impulses of compassion. b. feelings of favor, support, or loyalty: It's hard to tell where your sympathies lie.

favorable or approving accord; favor or approval: He viewed the plan with sympathy and publicly backed it.

agreement, consonance, or accord.

Nice right? Only problem is, he doesn't sympathize he feels sorry.... for.me? That is not nice. Hate is definitely not nice. But I had to examine further. So he feels sorry for me because I thought to work on self before committing to someone. Is this how we weigh personal fulfillment? In the responsibility of another? Cause then how is it personal?

" But Gypsy woman as you approach 30 you will have to set down somewhere, as a mother of (The) wonderful Sun."

Sit down somewhere? As if I am out of control? Or reckless? Say word, friend? I am anything BUT. I've been a great mother to my Sun. A.fucking.great.one. For nearing three years this September. When he was conceived. I walked throughout my pregnancy and did yoga and water aerobics. I stopped drinking, smoking my occasional cigar or even being around second-hand smoke. I had him vaginally, and naturally, and it was the most beautiful moment I've ever experienced. I took him to the doctor on schedule, vaccinated on time, asked the doctors all kindsa "crazy new mom" questions to be on top of my game. Left unstable situations, despite the womanly fear to be alone, because I know what's best for him. I play wid him for at least two hours everyday and some days... hell, many days... are just about him. This life thing, now is just about him. To set(tle) down SOMEWHERE to me suggests settle down anywhere. And THAT my friend, is something the true Mother of the Sun, Dawta of Light, just will never do. Whether I am approaching 30 or 300.

I'm hurt, cause not only do I never attack my friend on what HE should work on, have, be doing at his older age (instead always focusing on what I can fix in self and only being supportive of my friend recognizing potential he failed to see) but it.really... sucks that in a land of so much opportunity, in two thousand and nine, for Pete's sake, a woman who actually leaves her house to physically GO to work for 40 hours a month and still makes more than the standard household income for a single mom (hey, I ain't rich, but TRUST I do aite! and only a few months young in this consulting thang) a woman who owns her own car, has her own home, a woman who pays her bills on time with astonishingly sexy credit score, a woman who raises her sun extremely well given the cards dealt, feeds him nutritious foods, who is conscious, healthy, caring, educated two times over, can be felt sorry for because she doesn't have a husband. Or isn't settling on one. This is bullshit.

And just because I am angry in return I still won't dagger my tongue. That friend was important to me. I truly love him. I still pray for him. But "drunk lips" don't lie... and I know now at least a piece of what he was really thinking when I was emotionally battling what to do about my husband in training. What that judgmental friend clearly will never understand is that it was a hard... extremely hard... decision to make. But I made it for the best interest of everyone. I suggest my old friend, and even my ex-husband in training, take a look at themselves before feeling sorry for me. Like I look at myself... widout ever having the disgusting gall to feel sorry for him.



"People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you will know exactly what to do."
~ Anonymous

D-E-P-R-E-S-S-E-D

D - Don't think for a minute, I don't miss you... but I am tired of the holidays being bogged down with tears. What must I do, to feel the love during the holidays that I know you want for me? Do I need to get out of the house? Do I need my own new traditions? How do I go about getting them? Help me to know... because I know you don't want me down here sad.

E - Every man who's ever cared about me or I've cared about usually failed or was pushed to the side because I could not see God, you, in him. Is that healthy? If one who never had her father in her life seeks approval and love from men in place of it, is it so wrong to want to see traces of your dad in that man, if you were fortunate enough to know, live with, love and be loved by him?

P - Perhaps I AM quite disturbed. I never did finish therapy when you had to go thinking I had it all figured out and it was a waste of time. But, I just didn't need some stranger trying to assess our bond. Help me cope with death. Especially a stranger who still had both her parents. Perhaps my problem is I haven't met the ONE man who can be strong when necessary, cool all the time, sensitive and caring, hold his liquor, be FUNNY all the time without trying, never lame even when he says goofy things and never makes me roll my eyes at him. Perhaps... he don't exist. Perhaps it's me... Perhaps you should have left a girl a note coaxin me through all this crazy.

R - R. Senior... hurt me. More than any man has ever. To my core... twice. And I am hoping by saying it outloud I am allowed to properly heal and not ruin any more relationships from men who claim they want to love me... love me harder, right, longer, forever. I can count two with the seriousness... I am tired of breaking hearts. Tired of being suspect. Tired of not getting my shot at wife because I worry if he's genuine... legit... checking off his positives and negatives in a finely-crafted list.

E - Eight years ago, you were snatched too early... and now nearing nine years later, I mourn a little bit lighter... but I still mourn. How is it that I can not go to your grave for YEARS but cry over men who were only in my life for a season for much too long? That's disrespectful... and I apologize... to you.

S - Simple glances at your pictures have gotten me through this day as they have through many a holiday in 2,920 days. Still... I miss you like it's January 2000. When will it get better? Will it EVER get better?

S - Soooo, I need traditions. I will take you along for the ride as I teach my sun to love family and holidays and their parent as much as you instilled it in me.

E - Easily loveable am I. Even though I have some issues, you and Beloved made me know I am easy to love. I am a good person, and there are good things in store for me. Ya'll better be right, cause I believe you. :)

D - Donald... Daddy... I miss you.

Merry Christmas... cherish de time with your youth... it's necessary and mandatory. It may only be a moment in time for you but clearly, it sticks with them forever. Makes memories they'll cherish. Makes time you can never get back but only revisit in your head...

With that being said... we're finally gonna get out of the house.

Happy Holidays... from RBG.

Men and Babies...

I am actually writing this at 4:25 a.m. CST. Even though I have not had my "sun" yet, I am taking care of his father who has come down with pharyngitis (grown-up word for sore throat but it came with a vengeance of other issues, including a fever that refuses to stay down, headache and earache). It's much like that of taking care of a baby/toddler except I can't make him take the medicine. Made warm salt water... he gargles it like twice and nada. Tell him to drink fluids? Yeah, not actually. If he were my sun, I could give him that motherly eye of death and tell him to get it together... but alas, he's an "adult."

In fact, I currently find myself checking on him every two minutes to see that he has drank the hot lemony substance I prepared for him that should be consumed in no more than 15 minutes. Time is up.. there's still liquid. He's not very good at following directions.

I have to work in the morning, but am trying to decide if I should take off (just in case he has this fever for 24+ hours and may need to seek medical attention) or only work a half day. I haven't the slightest idea at this point. I guess it depends on how I feel when my alarm goes off at 7 a.m. and how miserable he looks when I venture out into the living room. He's sorta been banned from the bed. Don't look at me like that, I'm pregnant! There are bigger things at stake with my health right now. Mommy (-to-be) needs no fevers!