The Glory

"I can't study war. No, no. I can't study war. I did it for the glory." ~K. West

There's something about doing girly things like drinking Pinot, wrapped up in your favorite blanket, watching Project Runway that just makes a girl want to blog. So here I am. Hello. =)

This blog has been in the works for ohhh *checks calendar* just ova month now. I wanted it to be "perfect" but finally figured I would release it "as is" since now three people have asked where this blog post is. I apologize. I've been rather busy... wedding planning. Yes, world. Future and I are (finally) getting married. :)

Last month, as a birthday present -- and vacation -- I took Us to Mexico. And on his birthday, my "yes," to "Will you be my wife?"
was his present. He proposed on his birthday. So now, little does he know, his birthday will now forever be known as the day we got engaged. LBVS...

We're not going to have a long engagement. We've known each other since we were toothless and our relationship as adults has grown exponentially in the last two years so we didn't feel there was a need to waste any more time. So I am glad we were in agreement on that. But my idea of just going downtown and reading generic vows didn't go over well. *Gong!* But I was so ready to do so... like Nora said, "When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." (When Harry Met Sally)

But he convinced me that a celebration in front of our closest friends and families is what we deserved to culminate our life together.... so that's what we're doing. In spring. What better season to celebrate a marriage of friends like Us. Spring: rebirth, new life, growth, renewal and purity... it's almost enough to make me cry.... again. Spring is also when we got together. So it seemed only fitting to solidify our single anniversary by marrying and making it an "official" anniversary. One Jehovah and my new mother-in-law will actually recognize. Word on the street is she gives great anniversary presents. Shhh!

On Forward Progress ... 0 to 60
I always thought life would feel the same after we're married. Like when you're already doing most of what married couples do, you'd think once the paper is signed, it feels the same but now I am not so sure. There's a different vibe in our home now that we're even engaged. A great one. Don't get me wrong, it was nice before, but feeling it all come together is very sobering. Relaxing, even. I'm proud of how far we've come together and confident in the growth still to come. And believe it or not, I wouldn't have wanted to do it any other way.

I knew then, but understand now, why everything happens for a reason. There's a time, place and space for everything.

On Being The Bride....
I haven't (yet) become Bridezilla. I've kept it very calm and sane. That's partly due to the fact that I only have one person in my "bridal party:" my sister. She's also my maid of honor. I didn't want to deal with trying to figure out who should be in my wedding. And who shouldn't. Doing a hierarchy of my friendships and close acquaintances... or putting people in the wedding because I was asked to be in theirs or any of that ish. I just wanted her. The one person who I know will always ride or die... talk out conflict and do what is necessary without complaint.. to my face lol.

I also commissioned my first cousin as my wedding planner. She's fabulous, detailed and amazing. The hall is booked and being paid off. The dress is chosen. The save the dates, sent. The invitations, in development and the menu, decided. Flowers, favors and centerpieces, in process. All we have to do is pay our vendors and show up.

It's almost like I thought this day would never come... but here it is practically November and every day I come to terms with the fact that she will finally be his wife.... and it makes me smile.

Miles Away From Ordinary.

Make up, Workouts, Married Life, and Bills

HELLO!

I am so terrible for the infrequent postings I know. Life gets so busy, but I'm gonna do better to make sure I post at least twice a month. Then maybe.... Just maybe.... people will start replying :-). Aaaanywho, I've been so happy in 2011. Like for real, even with a job on my nerves, owing money I really needed to the IRS, a car accident (little fender bender don't worry) like seriously, I am so at peace with home life, all else just manages to irritate me for the moment and then fall by the wayside. And for that I am thankful.

So that money issue has held up the flight to Florida I was to take with my sun to celebrate my homegirl's kid's birthday. That trip though, had sparked an incessant need to get my body together so I could at LEAST BE THE SAME SIZE I WAS WHEN WE WENT IN 2009. But because I procrastinate I didnt get into the action part of the plan until *checks claendar* 13 days ago. The honey and I kicked off March with Dr. Ian's Fat Smash Detox... And we made it! A fantastic accomplishment seeing as how I bought that book originally like 4-5 years ago and have never successfully completed the detox portion. So mister man, even though it was more work to prepare two sets of vegetarian meals, is like a good luck charm. Perhaps I'll keep him around for a lifetime.

So, because I am a procrastinator (how many times have I mentioned that?) I did not start working out until the seventh. But have been pretty consistent with both the workouts and the eating plan since and I must say I'm feeling a lot like the old fit me already. Even if I don't look like fit me yet ... No really. In fact, my thighs look like a cottage cheese supplier. My goal is to look as good as I begin to feel ... Naked. And working out is like a gift and a curse because I'm still in the very early stages and already my mommy pooch is starting to lessen but that being smaller draws my attention to my thighs and glutes which are laden with fat that looks scrumptious in my jeans, but when I have on a thong they look a mess to me... at certain angles. OH COME ON.. y'all should know by now I'm too confident to admit it ALL looks a mess!!

And that will also help with my Girly Gangster Initiative. "What's that RBG?" Well I am glad you asked. I have several things in place/in the works to get to the Me I will be for the rest of my life. Things on that list include everything from small pieces like applying a little concealer to my imperfections, finding the perfect mascara, pampering myself every now and again, learning how to style my own hair (thanks YouTube) in efforts to look (and more importantly FEEL) great even when I have some new growth, to bigger fish like getting my weight and fitness level in order, keeping my house in tact, and onward and upward in my spirituality and secured family life.

But because I have BILLS out my ears, I have to do all this for the cheap. Which is why I've taken to cheating on my man, and have become a bit of a Groupon slut. And I have several initiatives in place to help me with my goal. Everything from a "congratulations" facial, to the cheapest 2-month gym membership ever (just enough time to dodge the crazy Chicago weather) and then get out on the bike and to some outdoor activities, a free personal training session, massages, nights on the town for me and the family or just the honey or sun and I.... Man.... let's get it in! I refuse to be a fat bride... Oh yeah, "married life" was a a little misleading. But I believe in speaking positivity. And I feel that before 2011 comes to a close, I could be a Mrs. *Barkley auto tune* I may be-I may be wrong...but I doubt it. If for some reason I am, there'll be new things to consider lol... No but seriously. I don't believe in long engagements.

The relationship has been pure awesomeness. We really are fantastic together and I've seen so much growth on both of our parts in the last nearing two years. I could shout for joy when I saw the growth begin to be distributed in the way we act, walk, talk and handle conflict. Yes, I finally feel we are READY for marriage. I admittedly have always been hesitant. So much in fact that when people ask me a out marriage I always tell them, "I believe before two people get married they should perfect their non marital relationship and how they deal with each other FIRST to lessen their chance of further disappointing God's ordinance by getting a divorce." More or less. And I'm proud to say we're there.:-D Mrs. RBG. ...nice ring to it?

I promise to keep in better touch. Live, love laugh!

Do Over (2010 Wrap Up)

"Even though I was outta line, I miss you like all the time and if you don't wanna see me fine. A good girl's hard to find, so maybe in due time... Can I get a do, ooooover? Can I get a do, ooooover?"
~Ghostface Killah f. Raheem Devaughn

I've been on a bit of an extended break from work and I'm so excited about it. Last Tuesday afternoon at 5 p.m. I did the Robot right on out the door and will not return to the office until January 3 of the New Year.

Speaking of the New Year, it's always a time to clean out the old and bring in the new. So last weekend I began to empty my house of excess clutter starting with my home office. (I'd already taken every work giveaway and paraphernalia to the office the week prior.) You'd be surprised how much paper and sh*t you accumulate over two years time in a new house. Just starting with the home office, I've got a ways to go, but in that initial sweep I ran across an old journal of mine from 2007 and started skimming over it. I flipped from page to page of bad bad memories and depressing disposition. Instead of sulking there in those pages, brewing over the past I ripped them out, tore them into pieces, and threw them away right along with shredded bank statements and random magazines I never read. I kept only the first entry written 5 months after my sun was born. I share that here:

Nov. 12, 2007

My WORD was I depressing when I was pregnant! I just spent the last hour skimming through old entries... yuck! All the "woe is me, why can't (CP) love me the way I deserve to be loved" crap gave me a headache. For real. No wonder I stayed emotional and sh*t: worried about the wrong bull pooh. WOW! So um yeah, thankfully I was blessed with a healthy baby boy nearly five months ago despite the fact that I was too busy worried about his daddy during my pregnancy.

(Sun) is a wonderful baby. He truly lights up my life. He's adorable, he's happy, he's sweet and funny. Yes, funny! Can't speak a word yet but his sense of humor is already developed. I love him with every fiber of my being. He makes every day that I get up and pray to the Creator and go to work worth living. And when work is over I can't wait to get home to him.

Speaking of work, I currently have two jobs (kinda) at the moment. I am working to try to prove myself at better paying gig in my field to get hired on permanently. It's way out in Lincolnshire. When I initially interviewed he (male boss, yay!) said that it would be 2-3 weeks before they made a decision to hire me on or keep me as a consultant. This week marks the beginning of my fourth full week. So I plan to revisit our conversation to see where I stand because I have to let my other boss know something. Meanwhile, my mother is handling things for him in my absence. She's doing a great job too.

I am praying that everything will be as it should w/the better gig. I tried the Suzy Homemaker role, letting the man be the breadwinner but it's just not for me... right now. Perhaps one day it could be but right now I want the family and the career. And for the last month I've been able to do just that. The job (as per usual) comes with certain irritants but it's in my field, pays well and will afford me the things I'm trying to build towards and accomplish by 30. It's time to realize what's important... in life. Worrying about my mate, what he's doing and will I ever marry and sh*t like that does nothing but stagnate a person. And that's exactly what the devil wants to happen. He wants to sidetrack your progress

Well, I am DONE giving him that kinda power. Over me... over my life... anything! I am still working to keep my relationship solid. Still staying loyal and quite determined to make it work. But I know I am only one part of the equation. And that's the only part of the equation I can worry about and know for sure.

My baby is five months old in three days. What a blessing! Thank you, Jehovah for all you've allowed for me. I should be sleeping, but I was asleep pretty much all evening when I got home. I was exhausted! Didn't even cook or eat dinner...... "Tomorrow, tomorrow and tomorrow."

~ (RBG)

The New Year also brings about for most a great deal of introspection on life and all it's mishaps. How we want to rid ourselves of those mishaps in a new year... don't bring all that same drama or baggage with us. Start fresh. A "do over" of sorts. All in hopes that we won't be doing the same thing December next year. Reading that journal entry of how life has changed (and what has stayed the same) in the last 3 years really made me emotional. I'm really proud of where I am now, even though I have more debt accrued now than then. Even though I'm still not married with child. I can really appreciate where I am MENTALLY. Even though I still have my moments. I think as humans we all will have a bit of insecurity as a common trait. Some of you just do better at masking it to the world. But truly, I've grown so much as a WOMAN in that period of time. That I really would like to sit back and congratulate myself on that growth.

Because I truly reinvented... life. Myself. It's hard to believe that my 31st birthday is right around the corner. In a couple weeks in fact. And in my decision to begin to strip off my old personality and start really applying the new one, it brings great hope in knowing that if I am fortunate to see 2012, I WON'T BE doin the same ol wishin for a "do over" but embracing all the new blessings. Not that my old personality was bad... she rocks.. but there's just so much about her that could be better. Face it... so many things we can't redo... we can't go back and not have a child or choose to have one, we can't get a do over when someone close to us dies... but we can continue to do things, or redo things within ourselves until we get it right. We can continue to accentuate the positives and really hone in on the not-so positives.

I choose to do that...

I can't redo so many things... I just.can't. But I can act like tomorrow is a new day and continue the RIGHT way to do things. No matter what others are doing around me. Because (honesty moment) I can be very much an in SPITE girl. Do things because I'm hurt... or wronged.. or to let it be known I can do things too -- with NO hesitation, problem and just as much pleasure... when pushed.

That journal entry let me know how far I've come... as a mother, professionally (being in a career where, yes, I work hard to prove myself everyday but people NOTICE and want me to lead the teams that will make our field have the most impact) personally and in relationships. I'm happy. Very... even on days when I'm extremely irritated by, whatever, I can SMILE on the outside and in at how happy and blessed I am to be around the people that mean the most to me... and who love the hell... outta me. Face it... I got out of a relationship in which I felt like I wasn't always the most important and now reside in one where I feel I can talk to my mate about anything and even if he doesn't understand..... he'll TRY... because I'm number one... That means something.

EVERY New Year we'll talk about the next year "being different" or what we're gonna do.. I don't wanna do too much differently. I wanna strip off my old personality from a spiritual perspective, yes, but I also wanna continue these personal successes... move to the next levels.... director positions... marriage... continue raising that happy, FUNNY, sun... and all with the Creator by our side.... 2011... let's get it.

Happy New Year Faithful Readers.... do all you can... and be all you can in the newest year of our era.

*~RBG~*

Image Source: http://www.fortefoundation.org/images/content/pagebuilder/19251.jpg

Hot/Cold, Stop/Go, Yes.... No.

Maybe so.

"Good Afternoooon, Dr. Jekyll because there is no place to Hyde, Big Brother Sir!"
~ A Different World

I always think it's important to take note of how we each have an alter ego. Different egos have different triggers, for some people it's liquor that makes their "crazy" side come out... for others it's weed or another drug of choice... for some it's the reminder of who they used to be. For example, a (wo)man who couldn't be faithful once upon a time but on their best behavior, gets pissed about something their lover does (anything... doesn't even have to be cheating related) and falls back into their old ways. It's a vicious cycle if you allow it to consume you.

We all know the story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? A chilling tale of a seemingly sane and smart man who concocts a potion (aka drug of choice) and with just one swig of it he turns into a monster? Someone outside of himself that no one recognizes? I was thinking today that we all have a little Hyde in us. The question is: what is your concoction trigger?

Today I was having a conversation with my (new) boss... *gasp!* I know, I was shocked too... we do that now... about pregnancy and how much it changed us, for the better. (We both have one toddler son.) She smokes and I asked her how hard it was to give up cigarettes when she was preggers and she said not hard at all.. and I said the same for drinking. I stopped cold turkey and without a second thought because it was what was best for baby... and even before I knew him I loved baby more than everything ... anything. I didn't even take to drinking a glass of red wine here and there because I didn't trust that it was OK. The minute we were done giving birth, however, she and I returned to those same habits. And NOW if I say, "I'm gonna stop drinking for a while" it doesn't stick. I wondered why...

Granted, I'm no alcoholic (wait, isn't that what all alcoholics say!?) I don't need (or consume) a drink in the mornings or to help me function and I can rarely be caught drinking throughout the work week. I am more weekend social... and some weekends I can not drink at all. But when I'm social... I'm social! Then I really sat down to think about it: so was my dad.. when I was a child my father drank on the weekends and sometimes I could sit back and watch liquor change him into a different person... fun one minute, mean as shit the next.. and I wondered how much this played a role in my life today, if any. Now, granted, I don't drink like that when I'm around my sun, but still. Might I one day? Life is still young (hopefully) and I wouldn't want to start.

I love my dad dearly... he was an awesome person overall, inside and out... I am like him in many, many ways... but I don't wanna be like him in that regard. When I was a young teen, my daddy changed his habits after a very scary triple bypass. No more booze, no more smoking and it extended his life... a bit. I still believe to this day, had he not quit when he did he wouldn't have lasted nearly 10 more years. He would have been gone much sooner. From the food he consumed, to the drinks to the cigarettes and the Black man's straight FEAR of the doctor he would have surely left sooner.

So I take this all into consideration when I make my decision... I no longer want to abuse my body with things that cloud my judgment, make me complacent or just don't fill me properly... the phrase "everything in moderation" comes to mind, but people often use that as an excuse to do whatever they please, just don't OVER do it. I must face it... if I'm really to make "daily applications" to be the best RBG... Christ-like... I am going to have to really put things in perspective. I can't base my actions on anyone else's or their lack thereof, for my relationship with God is only mine. Furthermore, I don't want some life-threatening scenario to be what changes my attitude. I want to make the decision on my own accord.

What attitude/behavior is YOUR Mr. Hyde? What will you do to control him?

RBG Note: it took a lot for me to write, let alone post this blog... it's really in truth and transparency. It don't get much realer.

Perfect Timing

"If we wait for the moment when everything, absolutely everything, is right we shall never begin." ~Iva Turgenev

My biggest fear about dying, is wishing I had more time. Because we never know when death will come knocking but we KNOW it's gonna come (damn that Adam!) it's important to live every day to the fullest. But everybody SAYS that, but rarely do. I try not to spend a lot of time mad... or go to bed mad, what if I don't wake up? It's very important to me to leave this world making my presence felt and living my most content... this blog has a few variables... stay with me.

I reconnected with an old school buddy on Facebook who got engaged last year. I recently asked her how the wedding planning was going and when was the big day. She proceeded to tell me that they'd decided to postpone the wedding until 2012 (!) because she wanted it to be "right." I listened to her story and took it all in, but how much ownness do we put on the things that really don't matter.... really? I mean, I realize I'm not the typical girl. I haven't been thinking of my "dream wedding" since I was 9 and I'm more of a simple elegance ring or precious stone centered kinda girl than big, flashy "look at me!" rings. I'd much rather a small intimate location wedding with our closest family and friends that some big to do... I often think people use money and "getting it right" with apprehension because "It don't take a whole day to recognize sunshine." You either want to be married soon or you don't. She'd talked about their children a lot saying she'd been going to church and really wanted their family to be recognized by God, yet her wedding is more important than that.

Given the dreams I've been having lately, I am pretty sure whenever I find some unsuspecting fool to marry me, my wedding will be great in it's own right. A special day for US and no one else. Because when it really gets down to it, the wedding (with all the money that goes into it) is becoming more and more about the guests than the bride and groom. I went to an old friend's wedding a few weeks back... beautiful Michigan Ave set up.. it was AWESOME... but I know also that my friend (the groom) was spending a LOT of money to make sure guests thought it was awesome. I am just praying there's no wedding bill... we guests ate, drank well and the NEWLYWEDS are stuck with the bill... just doesn't make much sense to me. I think the whole reasoning and importance of weddings (marriage) are getting diluted with unimportant fears, insecurities and preconceived notions and images people want to maintain. When did it stop being about God? And love? And stuff? Why do people make up so many excuses to NOT officialize their love? When will it EVER really be the right time? Furthermore, we don't even know if we will be AROUND in 2012... I'd rather love you in holy matrimony now and be good in HIS eyes than risk it. But what do I know... I'm just a "single" girl in a big city.

Speaking of single girls... an old friend Facebooked me last week. This friend and I stopped talkin back in late 2008 / early 2009... and I don't know why... exactly. There was never any discussion or separation of things... she just one day wasn't returning my calls or messages. I'd even resorted to MySpace messaging her when I called her to congratulate her on her graduation and never heard anything but she sent me a MYSPACE message saying thank you. I'd discussed how to approach this friend with a few people in my circle... but never was able to place the solution. So it was surprising to see her pop back up in my Facebook messages.

Our conversation was fluid... as our friendship once had been but all I kept thinking about was why she walked away from our friendship in the first place. What'd I done so badly that constituted an abrupt cease and dismissal like I never existed... what sparked me in her memory? Pics of us in New Orleans for spring break. Do we all have those moments? Those... I miss this person moments... and at what point do we look into them or keep them on the shelf.

There's this old saying, that "People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Once you figure out which it is, you will know exactly what to do." I totally believe that. We're supposed to get together for lunch/dinner sometime in October... if it never happens I can at least NOW be content on knowing that I tried my best... I made an impact... and in the end, that's what matters...

It's never gonna be the right time to do what we must or need to do... just do it, trusting and knowing that it will be just as it should. I'm not waiting for the right time anymore... I'm going to take chances and continue to be happy.

I love my life... and each person in it. Let's just do it already...

Dreaming in Reality

"Last night I had a dream, thoughts of you were in my head... felt soo real to me, this is what (it) said...." ~ "It Was All A Dream" Jay-Z

I had a dream that he proposed to me on a Sunday morning, and by noon Monday we were married at the Daley Center (assuming that's where that happens cause I haven't the slightest idea) Monday night our ring fingers were tatted... because I dream in color, we spent the first newlywed year vibrant and lively... growing in the Truth and stepping over worldly pressures... and then we partied and celebrated with our closest family and friends at our anniversary party renewing our vows, dancing up a storm and all smiles...

Hey, a (Real Black) Girl can dream.... can't she? :-)

image source: http://clubs.plattsburgh.edu/museum/studio6.htm

Finding The GRAY Area

Friday I asked my boss (who I admonish as my mentor pretty much) what he thought I needed to be able to go for a director position within a year (my own timeline not a proposed one) and he told me I was the total package... IF I could stop looking at things in black and white. He said I needed to learn that every problem person has something we dislike about them, something we can learn from them and something we can use. He says I am the type of person who will completely box someone for the wrong they've done instead of looking at what about that person I can use to help me excel. And that can make or break me in Corporate America. (That was a synopsis) I thought about this long and hard... and he's right. Case in point, with a situation at work... a colleague has been lying on me and to me, profusely and adamantly. And instead of defending myself by demanding a meeting of the minds, I just allowed her to say what she thought she must. Now, I did confront her more than once on the subject but she always denied it to my face and went behind me and did the same thing. MY logic was that, the people she was lying to should know me and my work ethic and if they choose to believe that despite what they see me doing everyday then that's on them as adult professionals.

But as for HER, she is officially dead to me. Even though I think she is outstanding at what she does (even if I now question if her way to get to the top is as amoral as she is) I know she will also stab me in the back at any moment she gets. This caused me to think about how I (simply) am. I have done this before with several people with a "That's just how he/she is" approach. Some of my old friends and even my mates. I will not hesitate to put you in a box. "I know she's a little crazy sometimes but she's really cool when she wants to be." "Yeah she's kinda a ho a bit wild, but she's a good person and super fun." "He DOES love me, but will flirty text his ex-wife / ex-girlfriend or just stop by her house without me knowing after work 'for the child'." I mean... it happens. And I have no one to blame but myself for keeping these toxic people in my lives for so long. And it really boils down to a lack of trust... I don't trust many people... what's that saying, "keep your friends close and your enemies even closer?" Perhaps that plays a role here. I don't want you near me and look for proper exit strategies when I feel I am being mistreated. I'm tiiiiired, Blog World. What makes someone who claims to respect ME and have love for ME show such blatant disrespect the minute s/he thinks I'm not looking?

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING!

I DO! And then having you smiling in my face telling me you like me, respect my work ethic, LOVE me, are happy with me, wanna be with/marry me, are looking out for me just makes me lose respect for you... as a human being. I wouldn't do that to you. I WON'T do that to someone... not someone I claim to care about and/or respect. Not someone I claim to Love... which brings me to my next point....

Is "Love" Simply a Four-Letter Word?

I used to get really pissed when I heard "love is just a four-letter word" but maybe I've been wrong. People say it so easily. We say we love Jehovah yet we don't live how He would want us to. I've seen a woman who claims to serve Jehovah and be baptized try to break up happy homes because she's so miserable and her ex man let's her. We say we love our jobs but fake sick to take a day off and constantly look for the next best thing. We say we love our mates but constantly create friction with infidelity and unfaithful nature. Instead of maybe saying, "you know what, I love you and someone else and have NO idea how to choose and don't want to... and I give false hope to this one (and you as well) because I have you both thinking I love you very much. Furthermore, s/he and I are gonna snicker when we're all in the presence of each other because s/he and I think you don't know that we flirt when you're not looking." It's not that hard... is it? What causes people to forget that LOVE is a serious emotion that should not be taken lightly. Can you love two people at one time? Absolutely. But at some point we have to choose. You're not making a CHOICE and by playing both sides of the emotional field you are figuratively killing your family. Can you live without a religion? Sure, but at some point you're going to have to CHOOSE to live by the Bible or suffer the consequences. Can you work with someone you hate? Most definitely, but at some point you're going to have to CHOOSE how you interact with them. Is everything worth demanding a meeting of the minds? I'm starting to think I take that "sit back and see" approach too much.

Instead of demanding answers of my coworker, I decided to "see" would she change, what would happen and it lead me to transferring offices. The same could be said for relationships... except in those I waited to see if Jehovah would bless the union/make him see what he had... each situation doesn't require me to do much... but try to exercise patience. A conversation on patience over the weekend led me to realize I'm not very patient... but clearly judging from this I have more patience than I thought. But this is where I fail. Because trouble is finding me again... even though I changed my location... even though I changed my order.

I must find this gray area... because black or white is destroying me. I need to venture out of my comfort zone if I'm going to be victorious. (And I always win.) I suppose I should start with demanding a meeting of the minds...

But I know myself... I don't wanna nut up and flip out on someone's gray area.

"Just as a steering wheel controls the direction of a car and a rudder controls the direction of a ship, the mind controls the body." Awake! April 2010 Article: What Makes Us Good and Evil

I am a very passionate person. I act on impulse... let my heart make a lot of decisions my head might normally not. I often think it's what makes me so awesome and others I think it will be my ultimate issue for... well, ever. My constant walk toward deeper spirituality, a closer relationship with God, and baptism has me really thinking about future and I was wondering at what point do I trust my mind over my heart? Or do I always just trust in God? And know that he'll make a way? Wouldn't you have to have like common sense though... What's that old saying... "God only protects fools and babies?" Well, I'm no baby!

I guess I've just got a lot on my mind. There's so much involved in being an adult. Unlike when we were teens we can't just worry all day about our nothing and what we'll do from day-to-day, but now we have bills, children and spouses to take care of; mortgages to pay; car notes and the like... I prayed about my job and all the change that was taking place and made (what I believe to be) a great decision about switching offices and I am happy with it... there's been a lot of talk of marriage in my life... I've thought since I was a little girl (even though I'd since let go of that dream) of the kinda wife I would be... and the marriage I would be in... the person who that would be... and so much has happened... so.very.much... that has tainted my image of "happily ever after," ruined my positivity, taken stabs at my esteem... so now I am in a new place. A place that won't allow myself to be anybody's second choice... won't settle for less than all of him, won't take your sh*t just to say I'm in a relationship.... I'm a good person who's made some mistakes. And I'm not ashamed of it. I am loyal until the end but will act out when I feel disrespected. I know where I want to be... and am willing to work together to get there. Dammit, I'm the best at all I do... I deserve the best. And I'm going to get it. I have faith.

"She Got Daddy Issues"

Hello Blogworld!

I come to you in higher spirits than I expected to after the first wave (my morning cry). Today is my father's 65th birthday. He is no longer with us, but very much still alive in me. "You are truly Don's baby!" has been spat out of mouths of my relatives way more than I can count. Even though my father has been gone a decade now as of this past January, each year still feels like a new wound. This past January (during my birthday week, which is also when he died) when I was crying on my honey's shoulder, I confided in him that I almost felt crazy crying like a newborn 10 years later... he then told me I could be a 60 year old woman and still cry about losing my parent... it's a very traumatic experience. Especially the way in which it all happened -- which I will spare you guys for the sake of keeping readers. lol

But since January, I've been doing a lot of introspection about it all and what I've found makes me saddest, since I've had 10 years to really think about it: is that when he had to go, is when all things started to go south with the rest of the men in my life. Yes, when my daddy died, men (who entered my life, anyhow) forgot how to be MEN. They don't know how to wear the MANY hats it takes to be a good man, like he did. More than just being a provider... more than just unconditional love... more than just being "head" of house... It's like my daddy's presence kept them in line... kept them from being rude, dumb, disrespectful, unappreciative, disloyal, arrogant, selfish... heart breakers.

Heart Breaker! Dream Maker! Love Taker! Don't you mess around with me! ~ P. Benatar

Now, just bear with me now... I always hear of Daddy Issues in the sense of women who didn't have father figures to teach them right from wrong while growing up, so they latch on to men who are all wrong for them in efforts to fill that void (in a nutshell). My father was with me up until I was 20 years old, so you'd think I'd be solid...

So yesterday, I was sitting around thinking about the timeline of events... between my dad's death and the following summer I found out my "fiance" (who walked with me down the church aisle to view my dad's body) had had a summer romance with some short chick he told me was nothing... the next summer (after staying with him) he broke up with me while I was in Wisconsin working my internship at a large newspaper. Later that SAME summer, he met someone at a wedding and married her a year later (two years after my Daddy for those of you who may have gotten confused). During that same summer, I was broken up with via email, by a boy who I'd dated off and on in high school... not as traumatic since he was my fallback boyfriend. His family loooooved me, but I think the pressure started to get to him of when we would be man and wife. He would later marry the girl who he would visit when he told me he was visiting his "cousins" in St. Louis. He has no family in St. Louis. Well, he does now... in laws.

Since then... man who wanted me to "submit" without offering anything to the table... we weren't even DATING.. man who was emotionally spent and crazed and a hater, wishing nothing good to anyone, man who was too prideful to say we worked well and commit to me, and guy who could have been perfect if he stayed out of his own head... and those are only the honorable mentions...

It's true, I have my very own daddy issues...

They come in a plethora of criteria, it seems.

But I've figured out how to make this "issue" now work for me, and it only took me a decade. Since my dad isn't here any longer to check you about your hat at the dinner table, opening the car door, not acting like a complete monkey and I am truly Don's baby, I have to fill his void, for myself. Even if it means comparing every man one to my dad... not in the literal sense, but the emotional senses and the God-given senses. Do you make me a priority? Do you care about my feelings? Do you allow yourself to see a situation outside of yourself? And because I've raised these questions, and ones like it, I am really chopping away at people in my lives who just don't get it... or get me. I may be a 30-year old woman with Daddy Issues... but I'm just glad my daddy was around to give them to me... and for at least two times a year on days of his birth, or rest I can think clearly enough to clean house of those who don't mean me wellbest...

Thanks Daddy for the perspective... until we meet again!

image source: http://www.japanator.com/elephant/ul/10576-620x-b3351bcbaec0ac012f92a2c962ef0304.jpg

I'm Just Lovin' ME For a Moment

Pardon me... I'm just loving me for a moment this morning.

I woke up this morning to the smell of my conditioned hair...
As I lay in my satin sheets, I noticed the beautiful outline of my vessel.

It came to me...
I am a resurrected vessel... Beautiful. Moving into another level of wholeness. I think I ought to love ME this morning..

Pardon me... I'm just loving ME for a moment this morning

I woke up this morning to the pattern of my own shadow; I cannot only see it but I can appreciate it. If a perfect God can take that much time in molding ME, loving ME, cherishing ME, reshaping ME... then surely I am worth loving me...

Pardon me... I'm just loving ME for a moment this morning

I woke up this morning alone, but not lonely. I got tired of waiting for someone to put ice in my soda, milk in my tea, jam on my biscuits, peas in my rice, and soap on my back.

I am not alone.

I have me.... I have me.... I have ME....
and then I have the omnipresent God who has made me...
When I put the ice in my soda... He stands there observing me...
ready to suggest creative ways to set my table.

Pardon me... I'm just loving ME for a moment this morning

I woke up this morning and beheld the beautiful reflection of a five-foot-something frame; a soft smile, a shiny nose , medium length hair, brown-skinned complexion, and a Biblically perfect shape. I leaned forward and kissed the mirror... "I LOVE YOU, GIRL!" Not because of your external beauty... Not because Mama said you were beautiful... Not because a man told you you were beautiful, NO!

Because God values... YOU!
Because God loves... YOU!
When I look at all your attributes, and I think about what God has predestined you to become... I can only say that I LOVE you..

For all the battles you've conquered...
For the tears you've shed...
For the negative words that shot you down...
For the pain you've overcome...
For the growth you've sustained... I LOVE YOU, Girl..

Pardon me... I'm just loving ME for a moment this morning

~Minister Nina Clark~

2009 Rewind...

2009, for me, was all about Love.
I can sum it up in just that one little powerful word.

I started a To Be Continued post on The Black Family a while black... and how it was dying. Dead. Kaput. This is my rewind of that.

While I DO still feel the Black Family has a loooong way to go, I no longer feel it's a lost cause... I think. I spoke to a friend of mine, a Married of several years, like 7 who is contemplating leaving the Sacred Union because there is little that can be done to restore it back to it's original goodness. With three little ones, a nice home, two cars, head of household at stake, it's difficult for many to see how someone could walk away. I feel bad for that friend, cause I know that Friend has been trying the hardest to keep things afloat in that marriage. It makes me wonder... not only about the Black Family but about this concept of forever..

"I want this shit forever mayne." ~ Drake

Forever is such a long time... and it often worries me. I mean, I think about a couple like my parents who suffered and survived every kind of problem a marriage could from alcoholism, anger management, heart attacks, infidelity to death, and still managed to look at each other lovingly after 27 years... and pray that at least the "lovingly" is in my future. I don't know that I have the patience or staying power to deal with a few of those things... but marriage says for "better or worse," "in sickness and in health"... clearly many people don't take this charge (hence why we have a something like 58% divorce rate?). I know each year of any relationship (married or otherwise) is going to come with ups and downs... at what point do we stop wanting the "forever" we signed up for?

In my present relationship, everyday is a lesson. Everyday is a glimpse into the future. And I am enjoying each day more and more, even the trying ones to get to that forever possibility. I've read of people marrying someone "no matter what was going on at the time" they proposed. Meaning, things were clearly wrong, and probably destined to fail but people still entered into something so serious. Why do we do that, exactly? When we know something is wrong, or won't work yet we enter into it anyway? For... ever? Is it because we take the concept and idea of marriage so lightly the thought of "well, if it don't work, I'll just get a divorce?"

I mean, I know I am a never married individual speaking on this subject but that's how we unmarried individuals either stay unmarried or only marry — and stay married — once. Hopefully the latter for me. I know I talk a lot of shit, but there should be NO contesting I'd make an awesome wife... *pauses to see who dare disagree*.......
......
...........
............

*ahem* so I say all that to say this:

Black Family, we can be so much more than Dads visiting their children every other weekend, baby mama drama, and constant drama and bullshit. (I do realize white families go through a lot of the same, but that doesn't affect me.) I just keep looking at that Ebony cover of the Obama's... you think Barack and Michelle don't have issues or haven't had any in all their years? OK, maybe they're as perfect as they look, lol, but the point is, I am sure they have days where Michelle/Barack is like, "OK, please get away from me" but both realize the importance of the other in her/his life.

Sooo with all this introspective thinking.... I came up with one solid solution for hope: we can save our families starting with taking more responsibility for our own actions.

MEN...

Leave your pasts behind... you guys are so caught up on hurting someones feelings, or just not over someone, holding on to someone who you can't be with or don't want to be with, stirring feelings just cause you got too much time on your hands, or WHATEVER the fock you're doing does NOT help. I mean, seriously, if you don't listen to anything I've EVER said, listen to me NOW when I say, pick a path (read: woman) and stick with her. Give her your ALL.. and see how that goes for you... video chatting, sex texts, inappropriate pic mails with your exes, baby mamas, jumpoffs and the like just keep us in the struggle... COMMIT.

WOMEN....

You can't become a different person once you have the ring or a few months in. Rationing the precious, not cooking, not keeping yourself tight around the waist and what not (trust me I'm guilty of all.. OK, not the first one, but maybe the second from time to time and definitely the last BUT my eyes are open now...I'm on it lol). You have to do the SAME things you did to get him to keep him... it's a poorly used reason from men when they cheat, but when you think about it, it's true. We often transform ourselves during the dating process, or so I hear, cause we are looking for marriage... I implore you: STOP it! To know you... is to love you! He should get to know you. If he loves that person in the present... he'll love her in the future.

MEN...

You can't be sitting around the house not doing NOTHIN.. clean up, take the garbage out, wash a dish, help with the kids! Motherhood and taking care of a home is TIRING... it's helpful to your home and relationship to lend a helping hand. And not just every once in a while, but on a REGULAR basis.

WO(MAN)...

Be prepared to work together... pray together, put God first, cause it takes HARD GOTDAMN WORK to get to forever. And listen to your mate... sometimes — hell often times — they are putting you on notice without causing a fuss. Found something troubling, but leave subtle hints to avoid drama but let you know to shape up or ship the hell out...

Let's NOT enter into anymore future forevers without understanding the work and commitment there needs to be on our OWN part to salvage it and make it its best. Stop always pointing a finger and fix yourself first. You know what wrong you doing before it's even pointed out. Unless you're one of those people who just sucks... come on people... I could cry writing this blog post. I know the Black Family could be SO much more, if we just give ourselves some credit for our own shit... the good, the bad and the ugly...

Ya'll kno who it is....

The Order of Things

"I called my ex and told her I was changing my order... she didn't wanna hear that." ~ Steve Harvey Live at the Venue

There comes a time in our lives where we have to change the order of things... that's the synopsis of what Steve Harvey said when I was gifted with the opportunity to see him live at The Venue in Hammond, IN for my born day. (Thanks babe!)

We saw him perform on the eve of his birthday (Capricorn! Yah!), so after he split our sides with hilarity, they brought out a cake for him as a surprise and after the Stevie Wonder version of "Happy Birthday" he began to TEACH us some things. Sidebar: I always find it funny when people dog him about his book."How someone who been married 3 times gonna tell me about relationships?!" I mean, really, aren't those the people we should take heed from? Those who been through it? Failed at it? Endured through it? Tried again till they got it right? How hard is it to find someone who has been truly and HAPPILY married for many moons? Still living well enough to tell the stories. The answer is extremely. I appreciate someone who's been there sharing some knowledge cause in a time of 58% divorce rates (may be higher these days) we need all the help we can get. *rant over*

Anywho... the "message" was how we can make things better for ourselves... by changing our order: 1. God; 2. Family; 3. Education; 4. Career. Saying if we start to get our priorities right all things will begin to transcend... he went on to say that we are always mixing up our order which is what sets us back individually with our different trials and tribulations.

When someone leaned over to kiss me on the cheek during that message is when I realized, he knew too that our order was merging. I am loving the order of things... it feels great to say I am happy while staring in another person's eyes... and mean it. I couldn't always do that. It feels great to have a tiff and instead of looking for the first bail out plan or thinking about the green grass elsewhere I want to tend to my own lawn. It's great to be in a place where all parties involved understand it's the work of everyone on the team that wins championships. I am loving the order of things. To sit down and study the Bible with my mate is something so foreign to me... I wouldn't have IMAGINED doing that just a few short years ago... it's the order of things..

My career, while sometimes on my nerves, is fulfilling to me. My education is solid... it's the order of things. I want to keep.this.feeling.... this.order. Trying to do right, isn't as hard as we make it out to be when we know the proper order of things.

I know I haven't always made the best decisions in my 30 years on this planet, nor always did what I was supposed to do, and I am sure I will screw up from time to time, but it truly feels like all is (becoming) right now. Things are molding just because I've realized what's important and solidified that order. It's never easy or given to us without work and sweat, but it CAN be ours if we just take the time.

I can only pray, He continues to walk along side this blessing... cause the devil stays busy. Thank God for order.

Let's get in order, ya'll.

art source: http://www.amazeartgallery.com

I'm All In...

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Let there be light!

Editor's Note: for best effect, play the song as you read :) lol

"rose, bathed in the light, out of the darkness, utterly new and fresh and..."

I am seeing the beauty beginning to mold again... I was starting to wonder where it had all gone. My swag is back... granted, it never goes far to the naked eye but I was pretty broken... I admit. I was doubting my professional gangsta (oxymoron?) since January when my contract ended abruptly... then I ran into a very... terrible organization that was poorly ran, unethical and a few other choice words that I will avoid...



because if NOTHING else it allowed me to meet some great girls (who I still keep in touch with) who the world had turned its back on and it also kept me housed and mobile by paying my rent and car note... for that, I am thankful. It also gave me more experience on the social services side to move into my new position with a STABLE organization for which I can really, finally see myself growing... I am just so overjoyed.

Because I had the interview of all interviews (a series of them, really) where I was reminded why I've been so arrogant when it comes to what I do. I do it well... and they saw it in me without me saying much at all. This is the job I've been looking for. And I am going to be magnificent at it. And I humbly thank Jehovah God because he looked out for me with this one. And I will keep my word and study his... praise him in happy times. Remember him even when I can't stop smiling or when I'm in tears. For in each, I always need him... and I should let him know it as often as humanly possible.

In other great news, I finally found a daycare!!! *(cue glorious music)* QUITE exciting.. it has everything except for a daily toy sanitize (it's weekly) that I was looking for including but not limited to: a potty regimen, learning curriculum, diverse students (blacks, Latinos, whites and even some Asians), and a clean and fun play/learning environment, close to home with competent, educated staff and a contract that we're comfortable with... of course all his daddy cared about was the price. lol Slightly over budget but we made it do what it do. Thank you lawd!

I've spent the day doing a house deep clean. With the new week upon us, now we should finally be able to embrace it but be ready for it. I am still training so my schedule is pretty set and it looks like I will have to go somewhere sunny for my final training before they release me to the trenches... but I will be ready. I've been doing a lot of research and territory building in my spare time. Truly looking forward to all I can do with this position... can you tell? :)

Tomorrow, the house will be complete (currently doing laundry) when I tackle the desk drawers and the storage area. But for now, I'm about to enjoy some boxing and take in a cocktail while I enjoy coming out of the darkness... the next few weeks will be a little foggy as I try to catch up on everything, but I feel very confident in saying that the sun...

...is out.

I miss Janet.

But I loooove YouTube...

Impromptu Interview 2 today went amazingly well... numba 3 toma.

There will be some sanity soon... yes? :)

The rain is Lucifer himself. That is all. Makes ya wanna....

Uncanny... Or God?

SO, I have been on this spiritual battlefield for a few months. I've picked up everything from The Qur’an, the King James version of The Bible, The New World Translation version, and a "Born Again" pamphlet I was given some years back off my bookshelf alone; I've Googled Buddism and African Methodist Episcopal, and even non denominational, lol... just all around random goodness.

Monday, I got a very looong message from someone studying a religion, but not yet baptized. In that email, there were a lot of accusations and just plain hurtful, accusatory words. While I don't hold that against the religion he studies... I did wonder what the hell is the point. A person of that same religion has been a royal pain in my ass for the last three years... a huge contradiction, an full of all the things her religion says no to... what's the point?

But I feel like there's a void.

Tuesday, I was invited to church by one of the biggest sinners I know. lol Telling me I need to get into a church home. What's the point?

Wednesday, IMing with my friend:
1:58:27 PM RBG: I think I need some more Jesus in my life, twin... but I am confused
1:59:15 PM L: about what?
1:59:42 PM L: don't be over there having 'like Mike' episodes, we don't have to be totally alike
2:00:05 PM RBG: me and organized religion don't really work out so well
2:00:17 PM RBG: trying to decide which is like choosing a job
2:00:25 PM L: so why choose?
2:00:35 PM RBG: *shrugs* aren't you supposed to?
2:00:42 PM L: I hope not
2:00:43 PM L: lol
2:00:54 PM RBG: lol
2:01:09 PM L: There are non denominational churches out there now
2:01:22 PM L: and I tried even w/the smaller church, it just wasn't me
2:02:05 PM RBG: a non denominational smaller church?
2:02:18 PM RBG: I've found non-denoms to be a lil bit too cultish
2:02:23 PM L: I think it was COGIC
2:02:40 PM L: the problem there was they just wanted everybody involved
2:02:49 PM L: and I like involvement in what I want
2:02:52 PM RBG: right
2:02:55 PM L: not chatty Cathy's in my business
2:02:55 PM RBG: don't pressure me
2:03:19 PM L: exactly

What's the point?

The point is, my own personal relationship with God aside (I've always been the person to say, it doesn't matter what your religion, but your personal relationship with God that will be the determining factor but let's face it) it lacks proper guidance. I currently TRY to pray all the time. Instead of JUST when I need something or when something goes wrong, but I'm noticing more and more prayers of convenience. I'm not sure if being honest about that is a strike for or against me... but it is the truth.

Thursday morning, a well-dressed young man and his adorable son (maybe 5 or 6 years old) came to my house to talk about what I think about people who say "everyone goes to Heaven." And I was stunned, cause I'm like hmmm... "I've never heard that everyone goes to heaven." So we talked scriptures and compared Bibles and he gave me a pamphlet. The title of that pamphlet?

"How Can You Choose a Good Religion?"

I was really blown away. So now I am reading it from cover to cover to see if it can offer some of the answers I seek.

Just out of curiosity... what is your religion? Were you born into it or did you choose it or both? Do you even believe you need religion? Why or why not? It's times like this when I really miss my strong following... hopefully there will be some hits because I would really like to know how people feel about this.

You Just Do You...

"I'ma do me!"

I'm tired blog world.

Life and times of RBG have been one for the record books in 2009.

Ups and downs, twists and turns, smiles and hollers and tears from the wind... just like a roller coaster.

An emotional roller coaster... man, I loved that song. It's a shame I can't listen to it now because I have bad memories of it. I'm kicking ass in the gym... which is nice, but I stay draggin. My house hasn't been RBG clean in months and people I love(d) keep contradicting themselves... it's all too much. I don't have the concentration to focus on studying for my certs... I don't have the desire to look for a (better) gig because I'm starting to doubt myself as a professional... starting to worry that I really don't work well for others.. can't keep my mouth shut.. always wanting to speak my mind... thinkin I kno what's best... OK, I usually do, but still.... *SIGH*

I'm tired. Starting to doubt the sanctity of marriage or hell monogamous relationships for that matter. Starting to wonder if I can do either or will ever be able to without wanting to slap the dog shit out of my partner. If I'll have any more children. Wondering if toddlers are really evil little adorable beings sent from the Planet Twubble. Just thinkin and wondering way too much, really. I am certain it has a lot to do with me turning 30 in January. Even though 30 is still young and I'm fairly vibrant, it's still associated with getting older... I... am getting... older... word??? And with old age comes death... and I don't want to die.... you know, like ... ever. lol

I always look at people sideways when they're like, "I ain't afraid to die!" or "I'm ready to meet Jesus." Ummmm well let me be the first real b*tch to say, I AM afraid; and I am sure he's very nice but I don't want to meet him anytime soon. Also something I wonder/worry about... so many religions to choose from... none that 100% satisfy me... it's annoying. I know I am capable of living right, doing right, being right but when will I be ready. Which on is right? If I choose this one and I get "there" and it's not the right choice then what?! I'm screwed. I was takin my aggression on on the treadmill (well still am) and several other endorphin-building activities, but then I hurt my knee which slowed me down some.

Speaking of running... I kinda wanna run away some days. Did I already say I could use need a vacation?

With all that said, things are on the up and up.. lol And just like that, getting all that off my chest, I'm exhausted now. Yet, I can't go to sleep... *looks over at crazy toddler* is this justice?

Unhappiness Breeds Haters

That is all. That is why I will never be one... a hater that is. Cause I stays happy. :-)

And I stay attracting haters and problematic people... leave me alone, losers! lolol

And stop stalkin! If a (wo)man wants you, you won't have to stalk Twitter, Facebook, nothing... he or she will CALL you! There's an idea. Doy.

Don't haters just make you wan yell: "Get your ass outta here with that dumb stuff!" ??

Or is that just me?

Very funny, Jah.

a series of "funny" events written undoubtedly a tad confusing like the mind that composes it just try to follow along best you can.

SO, nobody can ever tell me again that G*d doesn't exist. Not only do we pretty much witness Him in everything we experience: our morning rise, the birds and flowers and sun that greets us, but we also see Him in everything we do. When we follow Him, live as He has set forth for us, I truly believe He blesses us beyond measure. A longtime-online friend of mine and I recently got back in touch. I am blessed to "know" several sistren thanks to the beauty of the World Wide Web. We initially met on a site that was helping us learn how to love and care for our tresses as Jehovah intended. And we would "run into" each other in various forums on health and wellness (did you workout today?, Weight Watchers and the like), parenting (trying to conceive, new moms etc.) It truly was a pleasing experience. Mrs. Delight (that's what we'll call her) was truly someone I envied. Not in the jealous, green-eyed monster kinda way, but this sista was just... awesome. She was a newlywed who'd just conceived her first child as a product of a procedure for someone who was having difficulty getting pregnant. She was just always a blessing to talk to. She and her husband had Jah first in their lives. And it was evident she was blessed just from how she spoke on the forums and blessed those around her.

It's no secret that I have always figured myself more spiritual than religious. In fact, even now after finally deciding on a religion, I still find myself still more spiritual than anything. I am not, nor will ever be one that condemns someone else for the God they serve, or if they don't believe in a God at all. Different strokes for different folks and when it's all said and done even though a majority (if not all) of religions believe that there is only one "correct" God, I think we're all secretly hoping that our God (by whichever name) has the winning hand... but I digress. Another blog for another day. Any who, this sista was definitely RELIGIOUS but not in that annoying way where she would hound you to do anything, pray for you off rip or anything weird like that. You just SAW it... in her spirit. And I loved how she presented herself, loved when she shared pics of her daughter and hubby, loved when she told stories of her weight loss, loved when she told stories of their first home. She just never appeared to be sad ... ever. Not saying that she was never sad or had problems, but if she did, she knew how to deal wid it sooo well. And I guess you could say, I looked up to her and admired her. So much to the point where I sorta, kinda a lil bit stalked her very old Fotki album as a way to find her. Sent her a message and now we're Facebook friends. lol We'd both sporadically been on the other outlets we'd stayed in touch via and now can stick close for as long as Facebook remains free and crack-like. I was happy to find that she and her hubby and their now TWO children were happy and still blessed. I just adore her. And I appreciate her for doing it right! I need those kinda presences in my life. Not that my friends suck or anything, but there's a reason I missed her yanno? And she still puts God first. There's gotta be something there, man. We can make any situation "work" and happy for those of us in it... if we follow the guidelines set out before us.

Don't Listen to What Ya Friends Say
SO, every time I type a blog I Google summa my thoughts and/or the title and see what imagery I can find that will correspond wid it. The above underline statement was gwan be a blog post in it's own, but then all these "funny" things started happening, and I decided to make just one long blog because they are all Jah-centered. (Me and my tangents... yikes!) This search, I typed in my title and a song by Fantasia came up. I like Fantasia, but I haven't really bought an album or dug her teaser song (the song they put on the radio to get you interested in buying the album) since the first one. So I have been out the loop, but she has a song called, "Bump What Ya Friends Say." Interestingly enough, what I was going to talk about that day. So I googled the lyrics and ultimately got the song and of course it's sung beautifully (how could it not be, her voice is amazing but whatevs). A nice little ballad about following your heart and don't listen to your friends/family.

So you gotta, you gotta follow your heart when it speaks
So bump what your friends say, yea
Cause they might lead you the wrong way
You know when you're in love.

I just thought this was funny because we always ask for advice from these mere mortals instead of asking the ones who we really need to listen to... like ourselves and more importantly, Jah.

This was brought on by one of my most favorite first cousins still hung up on an ex BOYFRIEND who committed the cardinal relationship sin: cheating. And I mean, hard core. When I went through my relationship downfall not cheating related my cousin had no mercy on my co-parent. When I was feeling sad or like "working it out" she told me to get over it... exercise my energy elsewhere etc. etc. Now that she and her ex are on the fritz she still continues to be friendly wid him (something she told me NOT to do and my situation wasn't nearly as drastic as hers ... in retrospect)... I still love her... she's only human. And it was my idea to take my problem to her versus the only being who really could answer the question for me.

SO, what you're saying is in one weekend... the same weekend... two people of my "past" want to talk to me... about you? There's some sort of revelations being passed out about clarity and having you first in our lives before we can build lives, friendships... families. You never make it very easy do ya?

Today I will sit in front of Co-Parent and for the first time in six months really address some things we never did for whatever reason. Bitterness... hurt... anger... whatever. Thursday I sat down wid the friend turned lover who was my rock during a difficult time, showing me all the qualities of a husband a queen deserves but our issues needed tending... It's uncanny that they both want to discuss in a matter of days. I thought I would come out tomorrow wid the clarity I needed but I am slowly learning that they will probably both give me much to think about. I, after all, am still thinking about my Thursday discussion. And I will have to take any and all questions and concerns to the Creator. No one else. If I am lucky, I will be able to salvage two friendships... in a single weekend

On my way to perform some community service... get out and enjoy the weather... embrace all things happily and see the world through a child's eyes today. It's fun.

I'll keep ya'll posted... as always.

But very funny, Jah. I get it. Hardy har har....