One Minute You're UP...

and the next you're down. Welcome day 9.

Today was a good day fast wise... but emotionally I am still a mess. I am exhausted of near everyone and everything but my sun and my fast. MC'ing is like cheap therapy! I've been writing and expressing and releasing and what not while those closest to me get it hard core. It's like I can't just have a straight month wid no bullshit. And I wonder if that's because I need to purge my life along wid my body. I often wonder if I need to completely clear the roster and really spend that time focusing on Rj and me... if there's anytime to be self-involved, I can think of none better than for my child. In similar news, I am seriously considering returning to my predominantly vegetarian diet... but I wonder if I could keep him healthy.... ehh, I got off on a tangent. Not eating will mix you up something awful....

*refocusing*

The cleanse. It's worrisome, but quite a... relief. Because I've been telling people exactly how I feel. No holds barred. Which works for me because I've usually held back sooo much trying to be the bigger person all my life it's nice to just be like... "you know what? eff you, sucka!" lol Though sometimes it's left field. Because I've been crying for two days, my coparent has been the blunt of several angry, "you are a terrible person" texts, my friends have been brushed off with "got too much gwan right now" texts and the person who's on my mind the most, I wonder how it will ever be.... see, emotional mess.

At any rate, I've meditated on it... and I have decided to continue on through the weekend and break on Tuesday when I'm going back to work. There's a luncheon for my students that day, so I will have OJ for dinner on Monday and breakfast on Tuesday and the salad portion of my lunch. I'll pack some raw almonds and make a fruit salad cause I'm sure the lunch @ the banquet will be something heavy and perhaps not very tasty.

Sooo, yeah, my tongue has returned to pink about 90% so I am thinking these last few days will wrap it up nicely. Feeling good, but my 85/15 live foods menu is calling my name! Mmmmm mm! I will say that I do have spurts of really low energy throughout the days. A headache here and there but overall my energy is good. I try to get to bed directly after meditation (I'm meditating twice a day). That's usually when my body can't take anymore anyhow... I wonder if it's normal to be up and down like that in the later stages?

At the home stretch now... my family will be glad when I'm done. My sister says I sound sad. I told her it's not because I'm fasting but because we spoke at 8 a.m. lol

Forward!

3/24/09 ETA: I started breaking fast Saturday... with lotsa OJ. I didn't weigh myself as it wasn't about weight at all... in gen, I feel much lighter and just clean and vibrant. It was a good 10 days... I am extremely proud of myself, and will repeat in the summer. Thanks for listening to me ramble about my random mood swings, and the trials and tribulations of fasting. It was an interesting ride.

Moment of Clarity 8.1

I remember why I didn't truly care for the MC before now... not even so much the not eating aspect, but the clarity. Because it's so mental, the mind works overtime to keep you motivated to finish but at the same time, it's open to everything. In 2005 I thought about so much of how things could be different in my life that during those five days I decided to move back to Chicago to be with the majority of my family, but also to try a relationship wid a man I never told how I felt. Because I'm a Capricorn, I'm stubborn by nature though and by the time I got here in 2006, I'd completely changed my mind. Because I'd hurt him already and didn't want him (a Capricorn as well) to shun me. Like we do. lol I also thought about starting my own business, something else I didn't follow through on with a serious mindset. It's like once I returned to the land of the eating, clarity diminished something terrible.

Yesterday I had the displeasure of being spoken to like a child, by my boss. For no reason. It irritates me some that I continue to work for people who have their own companies or positions of power and don't know professionalism from a hole in the wall. It's like, are you cereal? Furthermore, she was frustrated not with MY performance, but because she was having a bad day and her administration is confused, unorganized and dropped the ball on something. Whatevs... can't sweat the small stuff... furthermore, that's not what caused my emotional breakdown right before I was so exhausted that I passed out. Literally. Thank goodness my sun was already in bed with me. I didn't even see sleep coming. I didn't have a chance. And slept soundly until he climbed on me saying good morning this a.m.

I woke wid those same discouraging feelings. I need to purge all toxins... not just from my body it seems. I've just noticed a massive increase in emotions while fasting. And I wonder if this is normal. Is it the mental clarity that comes along wid fasting? I spent all last night crying my eyes out over things I cannot change and that's not even my style. I've been through a lot the past 4-5 months and life's changed a lot... I wonder if I haven't really had a minute or desire to think about it until now and all this mind power to stay focused on finishing is getting redirected to that of all these other thoughts my mind locked away? I'm sure no other fasters will be able to relate and I'm just weird.... story of my life. lol

At any rate, SWF done.

No tea last night tho... so this should be interesting.

p.s. my teeth feel funny and I'm friggin freezing.

Lucky Day 7

I had to venture out to work today and was near late because on my way out the door, I was rushed back into the bathroom. I told myself I wasn't going to do a SWF if I didn't wake up in time, but I just couldn't risk not having any releases all day, so I did it at 6:30.

I feel good. I downed my first 16.9 oz of lemonade over the morning hours and saved my second bottle for the afternoon, drinking water in the meantime. I was feeling great for the mjority of the day even when we were at the zoo! I met my Soror and her daughter and family there and I went armed with a bottle of lemonade and lots of snacks and bottled water for the bambino. We had a good time. Then after we left the zoo we let them play in the park. When we got home, we had just enough time to get him fed, watch Ratatouille, bath and now he's asleep. Perfect.

While coddling him, I read him a story to take my mind off of going in the kitchen and gobbling down some green beans... can I just say the ONLY thing that's preventing me from eating now is that I don't want to shock my digestive system and end up worse than I started with gastric problems lol...




I've been a meal planning fool for my 1200-1400 calorie meal plans for the next few weeks and I am going to the grocery store on Monday... buut I may be able to do Sunday. I was originally planning to do 10 days but I am running out of potion. I was going to go get more but with money funny, I'm not sure I want to spend the cash on more syrup when 3/4 of it will stick around without usage. Plus, it's a pretty penny. I should be able to get two more days out of it and then I will break Friday, I'm thinking. So a slight change of plans but still a really great accomplishment. I will do this again in the fall for sure.

I'm still holding strong on this journey... no matter how bad that red beans and rice is calling me. Do well, be well, feel well.

Get Into Perspective on Day 6...

Soooo, I felt kinda like an asshole after my last post after I really took time to put things into perspective. Millions of people worldwide have no choice but to "fast" daily, only they call it starvation. And here I am volunteering to go without food to better my spiritual and mental clarity and cleanse my digestive system while giving it a rest and have the audacity to complain about it! Le sigh... I will try best not to whine anymore in regards to this. In the same breath I was reminded by a support group poster that while that may be true... what I was choosing to put into my body wasn't always wholesome foods and beverages and that I was in a sense abusing food and liquor. "Just because it is available does not mean that we use food in a way that is positive," she said and she's so right. I can't begin to discuss how many times I stopped at a fast food drive thru to pick up something ladened with fat and very little nutritional value in the last month. Way too many times.

I concluded that food smells definitely had a lot to do with the moods yesterday because today I was OK. When I did the MC in 2005, I didn't have a child. While I had a roommate it wasn't a shared meal household unless we made it such, so it was easy to disassociate myself and confine myself to my room for the time of the fast. I can't do that with my sun however, he has to eat and I am responsible for feeding him. I got that out the way yesterday tho and he's good for the rest of the week. Which works well for me because heating up things isn't as much of a problem and tempt as cooking a full meal. Furthermore he just wanted yummy snacks today mostly... so he got things like granola, raisins, yogurt, fruit... you get the point. Sometimes he's a picky eater.

I got up this morning and after prayer, did 20 minutes of yoga poses via the Wii Fit. Got some optimal stretching in after taking a day off yesterday to do nothing but laundry. The bloating yesterday was a new feeling. It's not an issue today. My legs are still a lil tender from my 5-mile walk Saturday but stretching and yoga helped immensely. I opted not to drink tea tonight. I will attempt to do a SWF at 6 a.m. rise to see what happens before I leave at 7:30 since I have to work. If I sleep in, I prolly won't do a SWF at all and just tea it up twice tomorrow. I don't want to be blowing up the bathroom at my job! I usually do all my releases in the a.m. and chill for the rest of the day so as long as I can crawl out of bed to get it done, I should be OK. For a change, not only have I already packed both our bags, I also picked out our outfits AND ironed them. Now to just pour my concoction into my thermos (cayenne already packed) so I am hoping for a good mornin and an early start.

Not much longer before sweet yummy orange juice and vegetable soup.

Forward!

Share the Goal... BE the goal.

It's a good day to share your hopes and dreams with others -- first with one or two closest to you, and then with the world at large.

In a (Tempermental) Mood... Day 5

Today went pretty well but I really miss eating. Add to that, that I only had one release all day and I am pretty discouraged. Since I never heard back from anyone in the support group I joined about the steeping issue, I once again steeped my tea for my allotted 12 minutes and am sippin now. My tummy feels tight like I've been doin ab work (I haven't) and I'm having "empty pains." The best way I can describe it is that pain you start to experience when ur really hungry and your stomach feels...empty! :-| I keep eyeing my Simply Orange Juice carafe in the fridge thinking, "tomorrow I break." But I really want to endure till the end. I keep thinking about breakfast next Sunday morning. Imagining how delicious it will be... *stares off into distance*. I felt kinda bloated earlier too (still do after tea sorta)... I need to re-read some of the posts in the support group. I think someone mentioned the cause, effect and solution for that.

Perhaps the food smells didn't help today either. While my sun was out, I tackled all the laundry and made his meals for the week. I also had a friend over who ate a fish sandwich (my favorite quick meal) and everything gave me hunger pains down to the garlic-peppered string beans I made. Especially those, actually. So yeah, while today was a good day as far as energy goes it was a melancholy one overall. I miss chewing and I'm only half done.

I'm gonna need to release more these last days or I'm not gonna be a happy camper.

That's all for today.

p.s. oh yeah and my legs are sore from all that walkin yesterday... they feel that they might detach from the hip! *le sigh*

Due Diligence

Diligence will surely be rewarded. After hours, you may have an opportunity to pursue personal pleasures with more freedom.

A Vibrant and Active Day 4

I FEEL WONDERFULLY MOTIVATED TODAY... LIKE I CAN GET THROUGH THE NEXT 6 DAYS AND THEN SOME!

I am going to get out and about today and get some things done. I woke up with energy like I've not been fasting which was cool. But I also woke up with almost menstrual-like cramps from the tea I'm sure. They weren't severe or anything but definitely unpleasant. I finished my salt water flush and waited patiently. I could literally hear and feel stuff rumbling around in there so it wasn't long before my first release. I felt a little nauseous this a.m. upon first rising like I could vomit, but that passed and was replaced with cramping, but then that passed with the release. So NOW wait around for a little more for the second while getting my sun ready to go enjoy his day. I hope I release at least once more before I head out because that would make me feel a bit more comfortable about taking a 4.5-mile trek with one of my Meetup groups.

In general, I feel like I've been living life as normal the past three days which I take as a good sign. I'm not hungry at all. And that red beans and rice craving calmed down some. It took mercy on me. lol

It's now 9:33 a.m. CST and my walk is at 1 p.m. so I have some time to pass. I am dropping my sun off and then headed to my sister's for a bit to kill time... I am going to drink my lemonade before leaving and on the ride. Bathroom break at my sister's then head to the park with my water canteen. Then I'm headed to Kohl's or JC Penney (haven't decided) looking for a toddler bed set. Then headed back home to clean and redecorate The Sun's room while listening to some great music with open windows so fresh air can breeze on in. If I have time, I may do a leisure walk in my neighborhood park and that will take care of my activity for the day and I can take it easy tomorrow with some yoga and stretching and reading... a calm day. :-)

I'm not sure how long this euphoric state will last, so I'm going to enjoy it until the cleanse knocks some sense back into me! :-)




SO EXCITED! YAY DAY FOUR!

9:03 p.m. ETA:
Sooo, I didn't have enough lemonade... and I stayed out longer than I expected. Got some severe headaches on the ride home and thought numerous times to stop in somebody's drive thru and deaden the pain. But my rationale was that I refuse to spend money on more junk food when I have food in my cupboards. Well, when I got to my cupboards, I couldn't find one reason to eat anything in them besides being weak at heart. And I have never fancied myself a weakling. I mean, really, I can do this. I drank two large glasses (I think they are 12 oz) of my mix and now I feel a lot better. I still wonder about how long I can maintain but in the meantime between time, I am just gonna keep trucking, meditating and praying for the strength and mental will power this takes. I need to remember why I am doing this.

I know an unhealthy digestive system can (and has) lead to weight gain, illness, lack of energy, hidden hunger and a buildup of toxins. I am looking for a new level of health. My ultimate level of health and I am willing to achieve it by any healthy means necessary. My friends don't refer to me as "au naturale" for nothin. I am not a pill popper, I am not a surgery candidate, I am a woman who strives to eat healthy, stay active all while loving life. A woman who loves her body. And wants to preserve it and the life it lives for as long as I can. This will help in so many ways.... and I will prove my nay sayers, and perhaps even myself, incorrect. It is possible for me to finish... 10 days or bust. Soon time for tea and then bed. Bring on day 5.

SWF Yuckiness...

OK, so I did my morning sun salutations and yoga and now... I am at the worst step... the salt-water flush.

I got a little more than half of it down. The first time around I took it all in big gulps all at once. Today it is hard to do that. I must admit. I told myself, I would blog about it a little and then get right back in there by the kitchen sink.

My Smooth Move tea with a tsp of B syrup and a spritz of lemon went down rough but helped me sleep something awesome. I haven't slept that good in a long time... even after a hearty meal. I should do an herbal tea before bed more often once this is done. I have an organic herbal tea I still have yet to even try in my cupboard. Once my cleanse is over and I arise a cleaner, healthier, more vibrant me, I will add that to my bedtime regimen. Rj and I are both wide awake on my day off so weather permitting we may hit up the park later this afternoon for a brisk walk. OR, I could use the "walk time" to hit up some new thrift stores I've heard about.

<~ RBG loves thrift stores. Designer shoes... and funky accessories. OK.... *sigh* back in the kitchen I go. :-(

*elevator music*



OMG... that is just an awful, awful thing to do! lol BUT tis the natural way to flush the colon and way cheaper than a colonic... so I will wash it down with my bottled water and hush. :-) It's done now... and I've endured much more tortuous things... but I can still complain. My blog. My whining. So there. :-P I have to keep thinking positively to get through this... keep imagining how my skin, hair, body will look when all is said and done and how each will FEEL. This IS necessary. I've gotten so wreckless over the years with my food intake and beverage consumption. So much I didn't even acknowledge the increase.... disguising it as happiness or sadness when I was really just being ridiculous. I should be able to remain my best self while feeling any emotion. I look my sun in the eyes and I just need to be here. And while I am an overall very, healthy woman. Jah bless no diabetes, high blood pressure, heart issues... I want to keep it that way. And ingesting anything I want all the time, anytime, and imbibing so much won't keep me that way. I need to know how to be able to enjoy myself without the extreeeemes. This is my time. My cleanse. And I will finish. Dammit.

10:41 p.m. ETA:
I'm actually feeling pretty good. I've moved over to the easier stages of days 4 and 5. I don't know what happens after these tho, since 5 is the max number of days I've been able to do widout cheating myself. Today was a good day. I got an errand ran and cleaned a bit for activity. Tomorrow is laundry and re-arranging my sun's room. I am going to make the solar system on his ceiling and walls and buy him a new bed set. He's in for a treat when he comes home. One thing that did happen today was I had my first, "I miss eating" craving where I wasn't really "hungry" perse but I just had a taste for Louisiana red beans and rice. So that will be my welcome back meal once I start cooking again... with cornbread mmmmmmm MM! But first, I have to do a six-day whole foods menu to get me back in the habit. By April 1, I will be bringing in and welcoming spring with a whole new attitude... and attitude I already feel returning and sorely missed. :-) At any rate, I just finished the Smooth Move. Never excited about the after taste but it's done... Had three releases today. On my way to bed praying for no surprises this evening. Gonna go study for my exam poppin up in a couple weeks and hope to sleep at least half as great as I did last night. Peace.

Chills & Headaches

Well, I've made it into day 2. I am starting the detox now... I was sitting wid my sun watching Spongebob Squarepants and he wanted to cuddle... which was nice. But I kept feeling like he had a fever. I kept touching his back and hands and they felt so warm but not his brow. As the chills move over me, I realize now that I am the one trippin. Not him. I've had an off and on again headache since hour 5... now at hour 25... my head has settled but the chills are irritating my skin. I'm two seconds off of bundling up in sweats, a sweater and my throw. But oddly enough, I am dealing with the cravings well since being home. Making dinner for Rj was a task... I really wanted to munch on a piece (even if a very small one) of one of those chicken nuggets... lick a fish stick... something. BUT, I resisted. Just gotta make it through the first few days... the rest kinda rolls right along. Granted I only know 5 days... this time with 10, I may cut someone. lol






Gotta drink my tea tonight... and ugh, warm SWF in the a.m. Not looking forward to that, but whatevs... I am due to make another batch of potion but first I must rinse out my juicer... from the other day. Yuck.

Just checking in.... bring on the rest of day 2.

10:15 p.m. Edit to add:
Ugh... the tea is the pits. I remember now. Gonna need a cold bottle of water and a bedtime brush of the tongue to kill the after taste.

New batch mixed... ready to brave the night. Time to rest and say hello to day 3.

Let The Battle of Wills Begin...

RBG note: I wrote this yesterday 3/11/09 but then started my official master cleanse prior to dinner at 5 p.m. so I am rounding into day 2 entering my 17th hour of no food. Just wanted to keep myself honest. So far I have had massive headaches. Two Motrin before bed helped me sleep but it was still there to greet me in the morning. Drinking about 12 oz of "the potion" since rise has helped. I'm also armed with my cantene of water and a total of 36 (more) ounces of potion to get me through my classes till early afternoon. Day 2 starts at 5 p.m. ****

"A fast is a test of will power... it is simply mind over matter."
~ Self, first Master Cleanse 2005

Sooo, today was officially my first day starting my second (successful) Master Cleanse. I say "successful" because I have attempted since my first but it was a lil bit of cheating going on. OK, there, I said it! And I realize I wasn't cheating nobody but myself blah blah blah... ok *eyeroll* I get it! lol

BUT my first one in 2005, I did withstand food for five whole days, but I broke terribly and didn't do orange juice the first day of breaking fast as recommended but I am armed and ready this time. One of my Sorors just finished it for 10 whole days as recommended and I figured if someone I actually KNOW can withstand it.. surely I can do it too. Reading testimonials of strangers is not the same as knowing someone who withstood the trials and tribulations this cleanse brings. It's gonna get ugly up in here. Which is why I will journal about it. Not only does that keep me held accountable, but might help me work through the issues at the same time.

I also told people in my life, including my students, what was going on so I can have all eyes on me. And then they can motivate me and keep me on the path should I feel like straying. So I had my last meal... and it was a goodie: organic round steak, trimmed fat, broiled with baked mac and cheese and sweet corn. *whew*



I cleaned the plate and NOW I'm ready to cleanse myself. :) So I armed myself with all the proper tools to be successful. Unlike previously I decided to mix a big gallon batch vs. 32 oz. containers. This way, I have to mix less. The less I have to mix the better because when I start wanting to eat ... something I will grow impatient and grab a piece or fruit or bread or something. Also unlike previously, I went with fresh organic lemon vs. bottled juice.















So I juiced whole lemons and mixed it with my syrup and voila... big batch ready to take on the world. Tonight I will drink my Smooth Move tea after a cup of herbal tea (wid a dash of lemon sweetened with the syrup). And in the morning, I am dabating if I will do salt water flush because I have to go to work and it's been my experience that my SWF starts working muuuuch later than the book says on the first few days lol. Meaning (for those who are clueless of the MC) that the book says the SWF flush will start working through the intestines and cause a bowel movement within about an hour.... yeah, um, not so much for the kid! It willl surprise me in the middle of my morning like, what's up! That probably says a lot about my tummy, but I digress.
Looks sorta like apple cider... or very clouded piss... depending where your head is, lol. I will need more syrup for sure... At 18.99 a pop. I hope only two more, tops. :- Depends how hungry I get in those later days. Right now at 6-8 glasses a day, I may survive on just one more. *crosses fingers*

OK, so I'm ready..... send me positive vibrations. See you in 24 hours to officially commemorate the start of day 2 (1 p.m. C.S.T.)

One Time For Ya Mind...

I'm thinking about detoxing... with every facet of my life pleasing me, my waistline started tryin to grow on me. I am double cursed because I eat when I am distressed and I eat when I get comfortable and happy with certain situations, people, relationships. Now, the comfortability wouldn't be such a bad thing if I was still in my best shape and as active as I once was. But I am working on that. (Which reminds me, I need to buy large index cards... I've started studying and I need the cards so TB and random strangers can help me study.) I am scheduled to take my certification exam on 3/28/09. (Which reminds me, I have to book my room for that Friday. Early morning test in the suburb.. I will not enjoy the ride.) Hmmm, I miss my memory. lol I think I look good at any weight... even when I was sitting at the door of 200 pounds, I thought I was hoooot so even though my lust handles bug me sometimes, the weight really isn't the issue... but mostly what's freaking me out... is how I feel. I miss my energy.

I still have a plenty, for those who know me. Kinda a spit fire... but if you can believe it... I used to have MORE. *suggestive eyebrow raise* I been finding a lot of old photos of "skinny me" lately and I guess I choose that as my sign to get it to friggin gether. I know there's a lot of opinions about detoxing and how it's ineffective and a "waste of time" and unhealthy, but whatever. I've done several safe ones. I'm weird, but I truly believe they rejuvenate you because they have you being one wid your body. They clear your mind, center you and release toxins as you rinse them out.* I guess I just think about how I've felt after them in the past... amazing. And since I already feel great wid everything in my life having greatness behind it... I imagine myself after this one feeling something near euphoric. I mean, really. Cleaner, lighter, brighter skin (after that ugly phase that comes wid detox) and a stronger core and clean palatte to start with as we welcome spring with all her glory and I release the butterfly... 2008 left off so great and 2009 has been magnificent thus far... and I'm gonna keep this peace wid me thru this year and until I leave this earth. (Dramatic, I know... but true.) I enjoy happiness... it feels great to say, "I'm happy" and really, really, really mean it.

Thank you, Jah for all the many blessings you have bestowed upon me thus far.... without your grace, where would I be? My family, my home, my love, my health... thank you. I know now, I am truly worthy

I'm ready to purge and spring clean to be truly truly free of all the yuckiness. Yah!

I wish I had a local buddy, detoxes are always easier wid a backbone, but I've done it solo before. But spring is the best time of the year to do a detox, so I am using that as my inspiration. I'm going to do the often-thought complex Master Cleanse (known in some circles as The Lemonade Diet) for 10-day detoxification. Break for 2-3 days as instructed. Then move into fresh juices and whole foods. 21 days total... then moving into JUST whole foods and high-quality H20... rounding out just in time for my exam. It's fool proof. *nervous face*

No coffee, nor alcohol, no meat, and well... I'll keep you posted! lol


*statements on detoxing are not approved by the FDA and no one should undergo a detox without first consulting his/her physician for guidance and safety