The Tangled Web

"Oh what a tangled web we weave, When first we practice to deceive!"

~Sir Walter Scott

My homeboy is finally... finally preparing to pop the question to his long-time girlfriend and the mother of his child. And as awesome as that news is, he's got a bit of a problem. His ex-wife and mother of his first child. She is not taking his recent change of heart well... well, because up until he had this change of heart he was still very much doing inappropriate things with her. Not sex. At least not that he's told me about. (And I'm 85% sure he would've shared that) but other things like texting her he wants her "sooo bad" when he and the Mrs. haven't had sex for a few days. Or paying for her hair do/outfit, just because. Or doing family activities with their child and his child by his girl (WITHOUT his girl).... so when he finally decided to change his order... she changed her attitude. All of a sudden, the things he does aren't good enough.... the way he SHOULD have been interacting with her before, that he's NOW finally doing is unacceptable, because she's not used to it... because it's proper. And HE seems confused that she's trippin. lol

You.Know.Gatdamn.Well!

He's told me to my face that he knows things would never work with this girl, so my question to him would be well why on earth do you get her hopes up and do things that make her think you're SO unhappy with your relationship? Let him be irritated with the Mrs. you can definitely catch him texting her that he wished he'd stopped by after work before coming home. Like, do you think that's RIGHT? (It's not.) Why do you let her text you pictures of herself when she knows you're with someone? Not your kid, but her. Now, *I* respond to inappropriate texts/picture mails with silence... nothing makes it clearer. Some people ask their culprit to stop / not do that. But HE replies with "Well, don't you look great" or "Nice!" You can't be sending mixed signals and shit and then wonder why she's mad you're finally concentrating on your family, where your head should have been the whole time. And don't have cheated on her or been a ho when ya'll were together... because she's gonna suspect that you're still a ho, and that your behavior is in your nature. So when you do un-ho / changed man-like things, she's confused.

I write this blog not to scold my boy (really) but just as a message that we DO create our own problems a lot of the time. A frat brother of mine who recently found out he had another son by a new BM, had a similar story to tell. We were discussing how his new BM felt about the way he treated HER (not his new son) but her, and that he had to break it down to her.

"(New BM) says I used to be sweet and patient. I told her I still am...just aint finna talk and deal with whatif's. (That was) part of my gross mistake with (Ex-Girlfriend) and why it took/is taking so long to rectify. (My inability to separate the two) is part of the reason me and (Original BM) couldn't be in the same room with each other for years... You can't serve two masters. You either in or out. Gonna learn from my mistakes..."

Well!

My boy could take a lesson from this. He is CONSTANTLY doing what ifs with his ex wife... constantly. She'll text about, "remember when we got married?" "Remember when you bought my ring?" Of course he remembers! He was there. Entertaining these kinds of conversations and going back down memory lane are never any good for anyone... unless of course you want to be back with someone. Sends the wrong message. And it's important to learn this early... before he gets married (if that's what he really wants to do) so he continues to send a congruent message that he's all about his family and his (future) wife. That doesn't mean his relationship with the ex is over... of course not. They have a kid. But their relationship is supposed to change.

It has to change.

"We parents... ain't gone be nothing more and I ain't finna talk bout us or what happened or any of that. We have set times and communication. Can't move on if we still wondering."

This relates back to one of my posts (if not several).... eventually we're all going to have to pick a path. And do what is necessary to make that path work. You simply cannot, to use my frat brother's words, "serve two masters" because it's gonna come back to bite you. Hard. Where are you going to lay your head? Where are you going to exhaust your energy and time? Let that be one place. Send a congruent message to your ex. EX-communicate the bullshit. Because it does nothing but create bigger problems when you've had your epiphany. Don't let the past stifle a future.

Keep growing, my friends! The life that awaits is fantastic! Trust me... we full grown!