Disturbing Behavior

So my friends have been coming out the woodworks wid men issues the past two weeks... and I've even had my own. All of which spawned me to think about the morality in dating and love for a few days and I was conflicted on how to get this post jumpin... there were so many issues I wanted to cover and then realized I was getting redundant. So I have tried to make myself more concise, and sum up the major bullet points that were my hodgepodge of thoughts.


"How can I really love you, if I don't trust you?"

I have always been a flirt... sometimes I think it's in my DNA. But I do it subconsciously most of the time (unless I am trying to get drinks for the whole table of married/taken women out of some unsuspecting young man at a club or lounge) and it is usually harmless and done in jest. I try to be more conscious of it when I am in a relationship because I don't want to be misread. Luckily for me tho, guys don't think that much into it, so if a woman is flirting with them, but then later doesn't give them the time of day, he shrugs it off and forgets about her... generally.

Women are usually not one in the same... especially if that woman is single. If you, a man, flirt with her, and you're attractive to her, I guarantee you on some level she's going to want to wonder what it might be like to be with you rather on an emotional or sexual level... and do (in many cases) whatever she must to continue that interest... whether you are taken or not. Because a majority of them are scandalous every woman likes to feel wanted. Point blank period. And if she is in a relationship where her current isn't often telling her how much he appreciates her, her body, her humor, her scent, her beauty and this random handsome over here will... she's more susceptible to listen. And this is how cheating ensues. And listen carefully when I say, cheating does not always have to be sexual in nature. It is also emotional. Carrying on conversations (verbal, textual, written) that you know your spouse or significant other would hang you over is rude and unacceptable. For it is that emotional connection that binds us first, and then we want to see what that do in bed. I'm not saying it's right... I'm just saying it is what it is. Don't shoot the messenger it is the truth. It is also important to add here that if you are in a relationship and the person you're flirting wid knows you're spoken for but still chumming it up it GENERALLY makes them wonder about your moral code... but not for long cause we as humans, are always, always gonna do what we want to do and what makes us feel good.

Then when all this occurs, someone has cheated... the trust is broken at that very moment it's brought to light. (And all things done in the dark will come to light.) It's very hard to come back from that. For me, trust is not given right off the bat -- several of my homegirls disagree wid this approach, but the way I feel is I can't trust someone I don't know... that's like trusting the dude walkin next to you, not knowin if he's a pickpocket, a rapist or otherwise... I'm not sayin I be on the defensive wid every guy I meet, but I ain't gwan let him hold my pocketbook. Seen? So when I finally do entrust my heart into you and accept you as my King, I expect you to act accordingly and I therefore trust you until you give me a reason not to. But what happens when someone puts him or herself in a position to be human and make mistakes... is there amnesty for that? Unfortunately it's hard to get trust back ... sometimes it's impossible... especially if your behavior and attitude don't change. And it's damn hard to love someone you don't trust... which is why I always sever ties... why make things difficult for both of us.

*authors note: I would probably be willing to consider counseling if I were married and if the other person were willing... notice how I know it would him who cheated. I don't put myself in compromising positions to cheat. Take note.


I love you... but I'm not IN love wid you
OK, seriously man... wtf? How have we been dating for months, damn near living together, blending families and you're not "in love?" I'll kill you... to my homie girl, choke.him.out. That is all.

I want to marry you, eventually
I think of Steve Harvey who is constantly yelling at women in that loud southern drawl that men don't need forever to know they want you as their wife and that money matters are generally a cop out. While I do respect the gangster of a man who can share a household, often a child(ren) and debt with a woman without a marriage certificate but hasn't popped the question, I do it not for the reasons you think I might. I only respect it, because that's Jah's way of telling that woman to get the hell out. "So let me get this straight... we married, everywhere but on paper... you want me to cosign for a car, but can't solidify this before God and a hundred of our closest friends and family?" Kill yaself. lol

Relationships are not a 70/30 split
The other day I bought dinner for my potential king and I... while I was out picking up dinner, he washed my dishes. I couldn't help but smile at the flash forward of making sure to always play your role. It made me think how nice it could be as an Us...

It's good to find a man who understands the importance of compromise. And before you yell, talkin bout "RBG, those men don't exist dammit!" Allow me to tell you that they DO, but just are few and far between. Not only are they out there, but they looking for you too. Sometimes they come in a different shell than your fairytale made them appear, but all the important components (honest, loving, sentimental, romantic... all that girly shit you care about) are there. You just have to look deep within his eyes.

Never make someone your priority when you're only an option to them
I cried and cried... and cried when I left my last relationship. Wondering why I couldn't be everything he needed... Bawling bout how I gave him my all... till one day my homeboy said... "well, why on earth would you do that, dear, when he wasn't giving you all of him? Never make someone priority when you're only an option to him. I taught you better" And I dried my eyes and began healing.

As women, it's second nature to give all of ourselves in a relationship but we never really figure out the cost:benefit ratio. I will put as much as I am giving into a relationship, so it's important to give the very best of you and I will reciprocate accordingly.

It is only when we learn to notice and combat these disturbing behaviors that we will truly have successful relationships, marriages, families... I refuse to believe Ossie and Ruby made it as far as they did not understanding the basic principles on preserving black love. I can't wait to see what their book teaches me. Thanks, birthday fairy.