to be engaged.
It's always a hard season for a single girl.
But I am happy for my people's still the same. lol
Merry, Merry, everyone!
*~RBG*~
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Friday, December 25, 2009
"And I'm Still Alive!"
Just when I think we're taking two steps forward....you push us four steps back...
This has been my week of introspective conversations. I've had a 90-minute commute of a conversation with my brother (a married father of two) about relationships. And I stayed up till 3 a.m. going back down memory lane and having a heartfelt interpretation of ourrelationship history with CP.
I hate talking to BOTH of those guys cause they might be the only two people of the male persuasion who know me best. Always dissecting me, realizes the root of my question, issue, trouble... or we just kick a lot of science together.
The topic of the first conversation: does forever-type monogamy really exist?
The topic of the second conversation: does forever-type monogamy really exist... here
I found myself pondering this one morning after touching base with an old ex... a chocolate, funny, endearing brother with whom I once shared a magical time with. He lives in another space and time now... we both do. While he is practically perfect... tall, chocolate, muscular, handsome and sexy, branded with the right letter, beautiful smile, educated, well-off... he's never been a very committed man to his lady loves... including me. Though neither of us were ever exclusive with the other, but still... in the years I've known him, he's always been a, "I'll commit when I'm married kinda guy." Which would be fine, if his girlfriend at any given time knew he shared that philosophy.
I thought CP, who emotionally cheated on me SO much, that I now think perhaps it's OK to receive/send a flirty text at 2 a.m. or masturbate to a naughty picture of *insert what turns YOU on about an ex here*... I mean, so long as we don't physically touch, what's the problem, kinda logic... eeeeven though, I totally know what the problem with that is... my logic is now skewed. Cause I've been on the recipient end of inappropriate texts and emails from my exes and have seen the former women in his life send some of the naughtiest things... ... and I wondered.... is there something to this "cheating" thing? Does that connection, even emotional, with someone keep you sane when shit in your relationship just gets too much to bear? (What about when you're emotionally cheating when your relationship is pretty damn GREAT... what would that mean??? What kind of person does that MAKE... you??) Is there a cut off? Can we just connect with someone on an emotional or spiritual level and never sleep with them or get caught up in the moment? IS that possible of humans? I would like to think that even our self-control can only keep us in line for so long if we keep putting ourselves in a situation we would fail at.
Case in point: if I were a taken woman, spending time, even trading textual winks and the occasional conversation or picture mail, with Chocolate Ex would be problematic, because his smile makes me want to kiss him, his humor makes me want to laugh with him and his uh, memory makes me want to sit atop him, so I do best staying very fah away. And I do... but where relationships fail is that each person doesn't feel that way. He still chats...you still chat...planned outings with people...it's all just an unnecessary mess.
This is all to say, that this is my 2009 Year-in-Review... this joint is practically ovah. I'm in a totally different place than I was in January. Emotionally, financially, physically... totally. And I am totally, totally OK with that. I just don't give a fuck no more. I am never sure what the future holds and I often get scared shitless of it. When you get old, you die. But for now, I'm still alive... I've always envied people who can live without regret, but TRULY live up to their actions and enjoy every minute of it... why shouldn't we each be one of those people... so long as we're not putting ourselves in jeopardy (unless you like that sort of thing)
But now, by the Grace of God, through all the emotional bullshit, heartbreak and just plain, "why the fock would you DO that, dude?" I.am.still.ticking... so because of that... I am going to LIVE
...for as long as I can, man.
This has been my week of introspective conversations. I've had a 90-minute commute of a conversation with my brother (a married father of two) about relationships. And I stayed up till 3 a.m. going back down memory lane and having a heartfelt interpretation of our
I hate talking to BOTH of those guys cause they might be the only two people of the male persuasion who know me best. Always dissecting me, realizes the root of my question, issue, trouble... or we just kick a lot of science together.
The topic of the first conversation: does forever-type monogamy really exist?
The topic of the second conversation: does forever-type monogamy really exist... here
I found myself pondering this one morning after touching base with an old ex... a chocolate, funny, endearing brother with whom I once shared a magical time with. He lives in another space and time now... we both do. While he is practically perfect... tall, chocolate, muscular, handsome and sexy, branded with the right letter, beautiful smile, educated, well-off... he's never been a very committed man to his lady loves... including me. Though neither of us were ever exclusive with the other, but still... in the years I've known him, he's always been a, "I'll commit when I'm married kinda guy." Which would be fine, if his girlfriend at any given time knew he shared that philosophy.
I thought CP, who emotionally cheated on me SO much, that I now think perhaps it's OK to receive/send a flirty text at 2 a.m. or masturbate to a naughty picture of *insert what turns YOU on about an ex here*... I mean, so long as we don't physically touch, what's the problem, kinda logic... eeeeven though, I totally know what the problem with that is... my logic is now skewed. Cause I've been on the recipient end of inappropriate texts and emails from my exes and have seen the former women in his life send some of the naughtiest things... ... and I wondered.... is there something to this "cheating" thing? Does that connection, even emotional, with someone keep you sane when shit in your relationship just gets too much to bear? (What about when you're emotionally cheating when your relationship is pretty damn GREAT... what would that mean??? What kind of person does that MAKE... you??) Is there a cut off? Can we just connect with someone on an emotional or spiritual level and never sleep with them or get caught up in the moment? IS that possible of humans? I would like to think that even our self-control can only keep us in line for so long if we keep putting ourselves in a situation we would fail at.
Case in point: if I were a taken woman, spending time, even trading textual winks and the occasional conversation or picture mail, with Chocolate Ex would be problematic, because his smile makes me want to kiss him, his humor makes me want to laugh with him and his uh, memory makes me want to sit atop him, so I do best staying very fah away. And I do... but where relationships fail is that each person doesn't feel that way. He still chats...you still chat...planned outings with people...it's all just an unnecessary mess.
This is all to say, that this is my 2009 Year-in-Review... this joint is practically ovah. I'm in a totally different place than I was in January. Emotionally, financially, physically... totally. And I am totally, totally OK with that. I just don't give a fuck no more. I am never sure what the future holds and I often get scared shitless of it. When you get old, you die. But for now, I'm still alive... I've always envied people who can live without regret, but TRULY live up to their actions and enjoy every minute of it... why shouldn't we each be one of those people... so long as we're not putting ourselves in jeopardy (unless you like that sort of thing)
But now, by the Grace of God, through all the emotional bullshit, heartbreak and just plain, "why the fock would you DO that, dude?" I.am.still.ticking... so because of that... I am going to LIVE
...for as long as I can, man.
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