Let's Hear It For The Boys...

"Sooo let me get this straight: you dress and look like this *points* yet you smoke an occasional cigar, love sports, play Poker, drink whiskey and watch ESPN? Will you marry me?" (Paraphrase) ~Guy at a Bar

While other sisters were trying to break their tomboy attributes I always embraced mine. I knew one day I would dress like a lady, I was in no rush. Even when I was in grammar school and the average boy couldn't really see who RBG was (I can think of three guys who had interest in me during junior high which is minuscule in comparison to my then girly counterparts) it didn't bother me. I wasn't interested in much of anything the standard boy was into then anyway... Nope... I was more into 3-way phone conversations of gossip, shooting hoops, rollerblading and all things active, and still playing with my dolls and toys (yeah, on a public blog I said it). It wasn't until I hit high school when ALL the boys adored a frosh-soph jock. Not only was I athletic, but I had a big ass... bonus. Freshman year I began to embrace my femininity as much as a TOM BOY for the first 14 years of her life could. So I wasn't necessarily wearing skirts and dresses yet (OK, I just started really wearing skirts and dresses within the past six years). I also have a very strong, public speaker like voice...

..... what the hell was the point of this blog? .........

Oh yes. I've never been afraid to be the tomboy... BE "one of the guys" because I found without any sort of extensive research that if you were seen as a buddy they could eventually see you as a girl; once they saw you as a girl, they could see you as their girl... it never failed. Fool proof! And I was doing very well with this particular way of thinking... until I had a child. Don't get me wrong, having my sun is still the best thing I've done to date... but something fundamentally changes a man's perception of you when a woman... gives birth. Suddenly, I'm not RBG the homie anymore... I'm RBG the mom. Despite me ONLY wanting a boy as my first child (and publicly announcing it -- there was none of that "so long as it's healthy" crap with me) because I knew I would be able to CONNECT with him more vs. a girl... despite all my guy-like qualities without being a butch lesbian I am still seen as "wife" and mother... versus the person and friend you fell in love with. And I think this is completely unfair. I'm still me... and still a LOT of fun. (If I do say so myself.)

I'm blessed with very strong familial support so I generally, even if I do hate to ask sometimes, can always find a sitter — everyone ADORES my child... why wouldn't they? — so getting away is never a problem. I didn't turn into one of those weird holier than though moms either. I don't specifically ask that you change your language around my sun, though I will ask you to smoke outside (he has young lungs and second-hand smoke kills!) and to be completely honest, unless it's a family event where other children are present, you don't even have to worry about seeing my child at all. And you'd only KNOW I was a mom if you knew me. Even at work, I don't talk about him unless someone asks who the adorable creature is on my desk. And even then it's not a flip out pictures moment and telling you stories about his first steps (unless you inquire cause you're reeeeally curious). I still have my own identity. I still love to do the things that make me me... in FACT, I appreciate them more now because I am an outstanding mother and my child is now my main priority, so I do spend a lot of time with him but I still need a life outside of him. You can't remain sane any other way. Luckily for my sake I was never a "baby talk" person so I still know how to speak to adults as such because well, I talk to my sun, as such. Ever since the womb. I'm really a great, down-to-earth mom who never lost sight of herself despite my biggest fears that I wouldn't know what the hell I'm doing. Think Miranda. (Long video...really first to up about the 4th minute'll do ya.)



So... why does this happen... to me? I don't know yet, but I want my life back... the life when my men friends/mates still invited me to the things we used to do that made us the friendship/couple to envy... the best friend you've always wanted who can not only look good in a suit and a dress, but help you through your lady problems... share a beer from a bottle as it was intended, yell at the game while cussin like a sailor (only when ABSOLUTELY necessary) but still a tiger in the bedroom, can cook and all that gibberish. I am not trying to lose my identity in being a mom. I need all my components on a regular basis: my motherly ya dig, my simply-RBG ish, my girlfriend time (I am fabulous and loooove tight jeans, shoes and handbags and my walk is mean), but more importantly, my man time. My tomboy isn't going anywhere... no matter if my lip gloss is poppin and there's a jogger stroller in the back of my whip.

So please, don't forget about ya boi.

Cheers! *raises fried chicken and a shot of Maker's Mark with well-manicured and polished nails*

Let there be light!

Editor's Note: for best effect, play the song as you read :) lol

"rose, bathed in the light, out of the darkness, utterly new and fresh and..."

I am seeing the beauty beginning to mold again... I was starting to wonder where it had all gone. My swag is back... granted, it never goes far to the naked eye but I was pretty broken... I admit. I was doubting my professional gangsta (oxymoron?) since January when my contract ended abruptly... then I ran into a very... terrible organization that was poorly ran, unethical and a few other choice words that I will avoid...



because if NOTHING else it allowed me to meet some great girls (who I still keep in touch with) who the world had turned its back on and it also kept me housed and mobile by paying my rent and car note... for that, I am thankful. It also gave me more experience on the social services side to move into my new position with a STABLE organization for which I can really, finally see myself growing... I am just so overjoyed.

Because I had the interview of all interviews (a series of them, really) where I was reminded why I've been so arrogant when it comes to what I do. I do it well... and they saw it in me without me saying much at all. This is the job I've been looking for. And I am going to be magnificent at it. And I humbly thank Jehovah God because he looked out for me with this one. And I will keep my word and study his... praise him in happy times. Remember him even when I can't stop smiling or when I'm in tears. For in each, I always need him... and I should let him know it as often as humanly possible.

In other great news, I finally found a daycare!!! *(cue glorious music)* QUITE exciting.. it has everything except for a daily toy sanitize (it's weekly) that I was looking for including but not limited to: a potty regimen, learning curriculum, diverse students (blacks, Latinos, whites and even some Asians), and a clean and fun play/learning environment, close to home with competent, educated staff and a contract that we're comfortable with... of course all his daddy cared about was the price. lol Slightly over budget but we made it do what it do. Thank you lawd!

I've spent the day doing a house deep clean. With the new week upon us, now we should finally be able to embrace it but be ready for it. I am still training so my schedule is pretty set and it looks like I will have to go somewhere sunny for my final training before they release me to the trenches... but I will be ready. I've been doing a lot of research and territory building in my spare time. Truly looking forward to all I can do with this position... can you tell? :)

Tomorrow, the house will be complete (currently doing laundry) when I tackle the desk drawers and the storage area. But for now, I'm about to enjoy some boxing and take in a cocktail while I enjoy coming out of the darkness... the next few weeks will be a little foggy as I try to catch up on everything, but I feel very confident in saying that the sun...

...is out.

Past and Present... Tense.

First, hello to my new followers... I hope you find something of interest here. :)

Secondly, allow me to apologize for my absence on this space. I have been more active on my business blog than this one and for that, I am sorry. I needed a breather from the madness that was trying to take over... here. Life has been swell. So much has happened so allow me to synop, sis.

"We were together... living as one. Until something happened... One day our love was gone. Always seems to be, something in the past. That won't let us last...."
~ One Way ft. Al Hudson

I love this song... it is so fitting for this post.

Yesterday is the past... We always use the past as some sort of evil conduit to remind us why we left someone... and the question now is, why dwell on it. Why not get over it and move "past" the past? Isn't it worth it to live for today? About a month ago, I read some disturbing, yet familiar, information. I found out that my exH.I.T. had met up with an ex who he had described to me as nothing short of Satan. They sat in the park, smiling and reminiscing about the good times while they sought clarity on their relationship and made nice. And he said they would always be friends. Then in a retraction after my questions of confusion, told me that indeed they were not friends and it was a mistake to call her etc. etc. I know he's going through a lot emotionally, so this is not a post to bash him, or examine credibility or trust or whatever, but instead to discuss how it spawned me to search for my own clarity.

I really had to evaluate everything that got me to where I was at that moment... I thought of how my sun was that day on the porch, and I called back my co-parent to finish a tabled discussion on ... friendship, love, life and the pursuit of a happy family. We laughed, we didn't cry, we were honest and forthcoming. He sat on my couch and we were comfortable. It made me wonder if a couple of people who were so detrimental and evil to each other could come to center to talk and be friends after slight violence, rudeness, infidelity, lies, utmost disloyalty, and utter hurt and disappointment could meet in the park and be friends, surely my friend/relationship of 23 years that only failed due to exhaustion, stubbornness and loneliness could be salvaged in some shape or form.

Tomorrow is the future... who knows what will become of the relationships, marriages we enter into. I was discussing all the possibilities with my homegirl LovelyLox and I said to her, that I really wish I knew sometimes how it all will play out. She answered with about the most insightful answer I could ask for, "however you want it to." She's right. The truth of the matter is, just about everything can be worked out between two people who have about 85% of their shit together if those two are forgiving partners, are two people willing to work at it, and two people who know they aren't perfect. The problem lies when we get tired.... do we still want to fight for what it is we know is right. What we want. Nervousness and fear... they will try to stifle us... haters, people who want to wish us harm will try to ruin us... the devil will be busy. He/she always got something to do

But maybe exHit had the right idea... return to the source. See what lies there... perhaps you will find the friend who will be there forever. no...matter... what...

He once (well always really) told me that any man who didn't fight for me was a fool... he was right.


But today is a gift. That's why we call it, the present... my sun recently celebrated commencing his second year on this earth. It makes me, overjoyed to know that I have been able to bask in his presence for two years. He amazes me daily, loves me wholeheartedly and unconditionally, and likewise I would do anything for him. He has shown me, single-handedly what "real love" is. I thank God for him. For his birthday, we kept it very low-key. No party, no cake, no candles... just us. We went to the zoo, we went clothes shopping, we went toys shopping, he played with his cousins, his sister, we ordered in food, he took pictures... he had a very full enjoyable weekend. So much that on his birthday (Monday) he was in bed by 8 p.m. and slept all night. Wore out... but enjoyed every minute. And so did we. It was awesome... Toddlerville is an interesting venture in itself. My little baby is now a child, who is growing so rapidly. It seems like just yesterday I was brewing him in my womb.... and now here he is a big boy, talkin back to me and gettin into all kindsa trouble from jumpin off pillows to the hardwood almost crackin teeth to peeing on the floor DESPITE knowing where "the pot" is and that he is supposed to use it... aye, potty training could be a post all its own. But in all his toddlerness, he fills our lives with so much joy.... and that alone is worth celebrating.

My family may not be perfect... but it is mine. And it will be fine. Because I choose to put myself out there.. I've, as I always advise my friends, loved ones, exHit to do... taken time to get myself together... feel like myself again... examine my faults, strengths and weaknesses... and I'm ready to move forward, lay it all on the line and put the past where it should be.... behind me. Behind us. Tucked away never to be spoken of again...

"Don't bring it up, don't bring it up... don't keep bringing up the past."

Weekend of Clarity and Closure

So, I had a damn near perfect weekend spending time wid my sun and nephew, while celebrating my homegirl's son's 6th bornday, in The Sunshine State. We had a great, fun time. A child trip definitely tires you out, but overall I really appreciated the time away... the palm trees, the sunshine, the newness of it all (I hadn't been to Florida in 20 years) and just seeing excitement and happiness in my children's faces because neither of them had ever been. It's definitely something I could see my family (as large as we are) doing in the future. We will definitely need a larger van though... so we can all ride together and therefore pay less money for tolls, gas, parking, enjoy the ride together etc. And if that means driving around in one of those ugly church vans so be it! lol Though I did see a black one while we were there that was uber sexy... somehow. I meditated/prayed every morning, took a dip in the pool, enjoyed a couple Red Stripes and some good pinot and dry red. I ate well, met Spiderman, sat in the sun... thought.

clo⋅sure

/ˈkloʊʒər/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [kloh-zher] noun, verb, -sured, -sur⋅ing. –noun

1. the act of closing; the state of being closed.
2. a bringing to an end; conclusion.
3. In Psychology, the tendency to see an entire figure even though the picture of it is incomplete, based primarily of the viewer's past experience.
   

clar⋅i⋅ty

/ˈklærɪti/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [klar-i-tee] –noun

1. clearness or lucidity as to perception or understanding; freedom from indistinctness or ambiguity.
2. the state or quality of being clear or transparent to the eye; pullucidity: the clarity of pure water.

I am going to need both clarity and closure after my thoughts and conclusions. Some things I am very clear about, some things need a bit more understanding. By close of Sunday, however, I will know just how I am proceeding. I am not wasting any more energy and time on things I cannot change. I've been spending time wid the Creator in his sanctuary before the trip and will continue wid that. Continue to listen to and learn from the people he speaks to/through while still building my relationship to Him. I feel anew, refreshed and for the first time, even with soo much on my mind, I feel like me again. In the midst of confusion and trying to right wrongs and make sense... not sad, not crying, not angry, not depressed, not crazed, not insecure, not anything... just me. And it feels so good to have her back.

Moods Change... People .... don't.

I expected sentimental days like this... playing summa my faves and wanted to share. Mostly, I was wondering while sipping the last of my vodka. (Svedka is not what's up, but it's now all gone... wasn't nothing but a swallow, stop gawking talkin bout, "B-but RBG... your diet!") The Sun shined way too brightly today... I was bout to leave him wid my mama... so I am kinda ehh, how would RBG say... in monotone today. No vibrant color like yellow... perhaps maroon.

Why'd you have to go crazy, Lauryn? Come back...



You and Maxwell... I hope his come back is not as equally crazy and peculiar...


Come back...

Just proves sometimes returning prematurely hurts more than helps. We'll be here when you're ready.... I cried lots to both of these songs... a different era of RBG. I've evolved so much since then, but I am still the same cry baby. The same chick that thinks Cosby Show and Love Jones and Love & Basketball endings happen in real life. The same loud talker. Same stubborn know-it-all. Same humble when I know I should be. (I have grown way more confident... a welcomed change from my teenage years... though ppl still thought I was beautiful. I digress... another blog. Another time.) I am the same sensitive, romantic girl who looks for her own version of perfection. Knows she deserves it. Wondering why things can never just be the way we see... "I know I'm imperfect and not without sin, but now that I'm older, all childish things end..."

... I'm smarter... wiser... but I have not changed. I was the same at 19. OK, I mighta been a TAD rowdier. I mighta busted anonymous folks in the mouf first, asked questions later... I mighta. But the core of me... is still RBG.

I should have been at an important event tonight. Instead, I'm sippin real slow, massaging my scalp.... listening to Neo-Soul songs on repeat. Waiting for the sun to set... so I can be ease.

Author's Edited to Add Note:At the end of "Tell Him," Lauryn says, "it'll be alright Z... it'll be alright Z!" I believe you, Lauryn. I believe you.

(Current) Thought Process... of a Gypsy.

I am rethinking a lot of things and purging a lot of stress and aggravation...
I have come across a great many revelations in the past several months since freedom...
I am ready for the rebirth of Sanni...
I have been holding back from myself... I have been scared.
I can't choose the way people act, live, love, treat me, respond, but I can choose how I RE-act.
I am battling the pros and cons...
I am sad at the mental state of others...
I am secure in myself.
I love hard... so it means something when I don't.
I re-need clarity. I am ))centering(( of self.
But can no longer be self... centered.
I meditate for peace...
I sit in the bask of The Sun for peace...
I am regaining spirituality where it counts...
I am a p u
z
z le...
I have all the pieces, but am still putting it together...
I have 9 months to figure it out...
That is when the childishness and fun of 20s can't be used as an excuse anymore...
I am making a way out of none.
I am not going to worry about toma...
I am going to start treating others how I would want to be treated...
... respected. Whether it hurts me or not...
I am righting wrongs... Whether it hurts you or not.
Taking responsibility for my actions...
Taking a time out...
No more flags on the play...
I am thinking...
I've been a good person, but there is always room for improvement.
"I was born under a wandering star"... Gypsy free. Gypsy me.

© 2009 CZS / RBG



image source: mary croppins... "gypsy" border

Though the Weather Outside is Frightful...

The Sun is soooo delightful. And since we like to play on the goooo... let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

Men and Babies...

I am actually writing this at 4:25 a.m. CST. Even though I have not had my "sun" yet, I am taking care of his father who has come down with pharyngitis (grown-up word for sore throat but it came with a vengeance of other issues, including a fever that refuses to stay down, headache and earache). It's much like that of taking care of a baby/toddler except I can't make him take the medicine. Made warm salt water... he gargles it like twice and nada. Tell him to drink fluids? Yeah, not actually. If he were my sun, I could give him that motherly eye of death and tell him to get it together... but alas, he's an "adult."

In fact, I currently find myself checking on him every two minutes to see that he has drank the hot lemony substance I prepared for him that should be consumed in no more than 15 minutes. Time is up.. there's still liquid. He's not very good at following directions.

I have to work in the morning, but am trying to decide if I should take off (just in case he has this fever for 24+ hours and may need to seek medical attention) or only work a half day. I haven't the slightest idea at this point. I guess it depends on how I feel when my alarm goes off at 7 a.m. and how miserable he looks when I venture out into the living room. He's sorta been banned from the bed. Don't look at me like that, I'm pregnant! There are bigger things at stake with my health right now. Mommy (-to-be) needs no fevers!

Mommy-to-be Blues...

The title of this post is misleading, seeing as how I am more than happy that I am to be a mom in a little more than a month. But if you factor in everything associated with becoming a mommy from the excessive "I don't feel sexy at all" weight gain; to the surprising aches out of nowhere; the "let's get ready for baby" hustle and bustle of creating shower registries; planning the event (if you have an absent-minded shower planner like mine, anyhow); moving to a bigger place with room for baby; bassinet set-up; and not getting any lovin in the process you have a mommy-to-be singing the blues. Especially on that last one. I can't get around like I used to, but the hormones are still very much alive. Factor in I got at least a 6-week deny after Junior gets here and you have one unhappy camper!

At any rate, there are things I can do about all of these issues... as I am that planning bitch.