Upping The Girly Gangster Quotient..... Gangster

Even though my skin is being asstastic... I was sitting around thinking this weekend about how my girl tendencies have just fallen by the wayside. In the past nearing two years at my company, I have not really worn heels as much because I'm always on my feet, walking around and carrying 50-lb bags as a part of the workshops I do... it only took a few months in the position to learn my cute heels and pumps are to stay on the shelves of my shoe closet.

Even my mani/pedi's have trailed off... mostly because of the winter but I vowed to myself this weekend to re-up the girly quotient. I know I've always been a tom boy, but I still had the basic girl qualities: a love of shopping, pretty shoes and handbags, mani/pedis, new hairstyles, gloss shadows, and liners... but since havin Sun (best moment ever) my priorities shifted something crazy... which I mean, in hind sight is good......... but I gotta remember to take care of myself.

I don't remember the last time I went shoe shopping.... I'm wearing the same joints I had for years and that's unlike me.... panties shopping? Sheeeeeesh. For the really pretty expensive sets? YEARS... don't get me wrong, I ain't granny panty-ing it, but I used to stay atop these things. I have decided to stop doing my loc maintenance so much... my roots are tender, but I've also began to play with styles... and I'm gonna buy a foot bath to keep my mani/pedi's up when I'm not being pampered... I need to re-up my eyeshadow game... I've had the same mascara for lord knows how long... I gotta up my Girly Gangster... I am already a tomboy... I can't leave the little girl I have left behind.

Where'd she go? She gotta be around here somewhere.

Must begin to re-embrace the womanly stuff...

Perfect Timing

"If we wait for the moment when everything, absolutely everything, is right we shall never begin." ~Iva Turgenev

My biggest fear about dying, is wishing I had more time. Because we never know when death will come knocking but we KNOW it's gonna come (damn that Adam!) it's important to live every day to the fullest. But everybody SAYS that, but rarely do. I try not to spend a lot of time mad... or go to bed mad, what if I don't wake up? It's very important to me to leave this world making my presence felt and living my most content... this blog has a few variables... stay with me.

I reconnected with an old school buddy on Facebook who got engaged last year. I recently asked her how the wedding planning was going and when was the big day. She proceeded to tell me that they'd decided to postpone the wedding until 2012 (!) because she wanted it to be "right." I listened to her story and took it all in, but how much ownness do we put on the things that really don't matter.... really? I mean, I realize I'm not the typical girl. I haven't been thinking of my "dream wedding" since I was 9 and I'm more of a simple elegance ring or precious stone centered kinda girl than big, flashy "look at me!" rings. I'd much rather a small intimate location wedding with our closest family and friends that some big to do... I often think people use money and "getting it right" with apprehension because "It don't take a whole day to recognize sunshine." You either want to be married soon or you don't. She'd talked about their children a lot saying she'd been going to church and really wanted their family to be recognized by God, yet her wedding is more important than that.

Given the dreams I've been having lately, I am pretty sure whenever I find some unsuspecting fool to marry me, my wedding will be great in it's own right. A special day for US and no one else. Because when it really gets down to it, the wedding (with all the money that goes into it) is becoming more and more about the guests than the bride and groom. I went to an old friend's wedding a few weeks back... beautiful Michigan Ave set up.. it was AWESOME... but I know also that my friend (the groom) was spending a LOT of money to make sure guests thought it was awesome. I am just praying there's no wedding bill... we guests ate, drank well and the NEWLYWEDS are stuck with the bill... just doesn't make much sense to me. I think the whole reasoning and importance of weddings (marriage) are getting diluted with unimportant fears, insecurities and preconceived notions and images people want to maintain. When did it stop being about God? And love? And stuff? Why do people make up so many excuses to NOT officialize their love? When will it EVER really be the right time? Furthermore, we don't even know if we will be AROUND in 2012... I'd rather love you in holy matrimony now and be good in HIS eyes than risk it. But what do I know... I'm just a "single" girl in a big city.

Speaking of single girls... an old friend Facebooked me last week. This friend and I stopped talkin back in late 2008 / early 2009... and I don't know why... exactly. There was never any discussion or separation of things... she just one day wasn't returning my calls or messages. I'd even resorted to MySpace messaging her when I called her to congratulate her on her graduation and never heard anything but she sent me a MYSPACE message saying thank you. I'd discussed how to approach this friend with a few people in my circle... but never was able to place the solution. So it was surprising to see her pop back up in my Facebook messages.

Our conversation was fluid... as our friendship once had been but all I kept thinking about was why she walked away from our friendship in the first place. What'd I done so badly that constituted an abrupt cease and dismissal like I never existed... what sparked me in her memory? Pics of us in New Orleans for spring break. Do we all have those moments? Those... I miss this person moments... and at what point do we look into them or keep them on the shelf.

There's this old saying, that "People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Once you figure out which it is, you will know exactly what to do." I totally believe that. We're supposed to get together for lunch/dinner sometime in October... if it never happens I can at least NOW be content on knowing that I tried my best... I made an impact... and in the end, that's what matters...

It's never gonna be the right time to do what we must or need to do... just do it, trusting and knowing that it will be just as it should. I'm not waiting for the right time anymore... I'm going to take chances and continue to be happy.

I love my life... and each person in it. Let's just do it already...

Let's Hear It For The Boys...

"Sooo let me get this straight: you dress and look like this *points* yet you smoke an occasional cigar, love sports, play Poker, drink whiskey and watch ESPN? Will you marry me?" (Paraphrase) ~Guy at a Bar

While other sisters were trying to break their tomboy attributes I always embraced mine. I knew one day I would dress like a lady, I was in no rush. Even when I was in grammar school and the average boy couldn't really see who RBG was (I can think of three guys who had interest in me during junior high which is minuscule in comparison to my then girly counterparts) it didn't bother me. I wasn't interested in much of anything the standard boy was into then anyway... Nope... I was more into 3-way phone conversations of gossip, shooting hoops, rollerblading and all things active, and still playing with my dolls and toys (yeah, on a public blog I said it). It wasn't until I hit high school when ALL the boys adored a frosh-soph jock. Not only was I athletic, but I had a big ass... bonus. Freshman year I began to embrace my femininity as much as a TOM BOY for the first 14 years of her life could. So I wasn't necessarily wearing skirts and dresses yet (OK, I just started really wearing skirts and dresses within the past six years). I also have a very strong, public speaker like voice...

..... what the hell was the point of this blog? .........

Oh yes. I've never been afraid to be the tomboy... BE "one of the guys" because I found without any sort of extensive research that if you were seen as a buddy they could eventually see you as a girl; once they saw you as a girl, they could see you as their girl... it never failed. Fool proof! And I was doing very well with this particular way of thinking... until I had a child. Don't get me wrong, having my sun is still the best thing I've done to date... but something fundamentally changes a man's perception of you when a woman... gives birth. Suddenly, I'm not RBG the homie anymore... I'm RBG the mom. Despite me ONLY wanting a boy as my first child (and publicly announcing it -- there was none of that "so long as it's healthy" crap with me) because I knew I would be able to CONNECT with him more vs. a girl... despite all my guy-like qualities without being a butch lesbian I am still seen as "wife" and mother... versus the person and friend you fell in love with. And I think this is completely unfair. I'm still me... and still a LOT of fun. (If I do say so myself.)

I'm blessed with very strong familial support so I generally, even if I do hate to ask sometimes, can always find a sitter — everyone ADORES my child... why wouldn't they? — so getting away is never a problem. I didn't turn into one of those weird holier than though moms either. I don't specifically ask that you change your language around my sun, though I will ask you to smoke outside (he has young lungs and second-hand smoke kills!) and to be completely honest, unless it's a family event where other children are present, you don't even have to worry about seeing my child at all. And you'd only KNOW I was a mom if you knew me. Even at work, I don't talk about him unless someone asks who the adorable creature is on my desk. And even then it's not a flip out pictures moment and telling you stories about his first steps (unless you inquire cause you're reeeeally curious). I still have my own identity. I still love to do the things that make me me... in FACT, I appreciate them more now because I am an outstanding mother and my child is now my main priority, so I do spend a lot of time with him but I still need a life outside of him. You can't remain sane any other way. Luckily for my sake I was never a "baby talk" person so I still know how to speak to adults as such because well, I talk to my sun, as such. Ever since the womb. I'm really a great, down-to-earth mom who never lost sight of herself despite my biggest fears that I wouldn't know what the hell I'm doing. Think Miranda. (Long video...really first to up about the 4th minute'll do ya.)



So... why does this happen... to me? I don't know yet, but I want my life back... the life when my men friends/mates still invited me to the things we used to do that made us the friendship/couple to envy... the best friend you've always wanted who can not only look good in a suit and a dress, but help you through your lady problems... share a beer from a bottle as it was intended, yell at the game while cussin like a sailor (only when ABSOLUTELY necessary) but still a tiger in the bedroom, can cook and all that gibberish. I am not trying to lose my identity in being a mom. I need all my components on a regular basis: my motherly ya dig, my simply-RBG ish, my girlfriend time (I am fabulous and loooove tight jeans, shoes and handbags and my walk is mean), but more importantly, my man time. My tomboy isn't going anywhere... no matter if my lip gloss is poppin and there's a jogger stroller in the back of my whip.

So please, don't forget about ya boi.

Cheers! *raises fried chicken and a shot of Maker's Mark with well-manicured and polished nails*

On To The Next One

"The same way you get 'em, is the same way you lose 'em" ~Soror W.

So I have been hearing story after story of the Alicia Keyes and Swizz Beatz rumors to the point where I finally decided I needed to say my two cents on the matter. And some people ain't gonna like it.






Stop being mad at Alicia Keys!
(Yeah, I said it!)

I just read Mashonda's open letter TwitTM to Alicia Keys about ruining her marriage and I was floored. Why do women always attack the "other" woman? Be it verbally or physically? I will never understand. Speaking AS a woman who has been cheated on, left for another woman, I can honestly say I've never been THAT chick. No Tweets for me. No MySpace or Facebook stalking your life... or lives together.... it's just whatever it is. I may have had some choice words for him, but that's to be expected. He's the one that looked me in MY face, told me he loved me, would never hurt/leave me, blahditty. Mashonda's case a bit different. He was her husband... and apparently they'd been married a long time. Five years in fact. They'd taken vows before God that they would "forsaken all others." Swizz broke that vow... not Alicia. (Now, I am simply giving an example AS IF the rumor they were having an affair is true... I am still not so sure it is.) [Below are actual excerpts of the Twit, from Vibe.com]

"Me and my husband have worked out our differences. We are in a good place as people and as parents. I accept his choices and I am comfortable enough with myself to move on."

Now this the shit I don't get... so your husband, of FIVE years who you just had a son by and you are in a GOOD place... you accept his choices... WHY on earth are you still reaching out to Alicia Keys? Is she not supposed to be happy she's in love/engaged/pregnant? Is she not supposed to talk about her happiness? What explanation or apology or "concern" does she owe you? Like Judge Judy say, she didn't take your vows with you (IF this alleged affair really did take place) HE did.

It's easy to tell the (other) woman, in a nutshell, "yeah um, we still together and happy..... he still come see me, visit me, with me, sleeps with me..... we gettin back together... you're just a side piece... you this or you that..." but most of these scorned wives generally know the score but are gonna tell the other woman whatever she needs to in attempts, to rattle thangs up. Get under the (other) hers skin.

"My concern with AK is no longer the fact that she assisted in destroying a family but that she has the audacity to make these selfish comments about love and wanting to be with someone, even after knowing their situation."

We really don't know WHAT she knew if you really wanna get down to it. For all we know, Alicia Keys could have found out ex-wifey was pregnant via a text sent to Swizz when Keys was on her way out of town/the country. She probably confronted him about it because he didn't mention it and started to do the math and figured in order for her to be pregnant, that would mean they were sleeping together more recently than what Swizz originally told her and now she's a victim of circumstance cause she's head over heels for him and sometimes it's not that easy to walk away from love especially with him saying he still wants to be with her. (This is all hypothetical... I think.) Further, she can't "assist" in destroying a family that was already destroyed. I refuse to believe people walk away from perfectly happy marriages. When it's a well-known fact that MOST people cheat because of some void they feel at home. I just can't see them not having a conversation or three about issues in their marriage.

I'm not judging you, I put you and the whole situation in the hands of God, the Higher Power.

Why do people DO that?! We're all in God's hands way before any transgression. Like we each have some super powers that put our issue in front of the BILLIONS Jehovah has to deal with on a daily basis... always talking God's hands and Karma and all that... when your religion probably doesn't even believe in Karma! Cut that out people!

According to Swizz, in an article on Zimbio, they'd been separated 10 months... how stories can conflict, hunh?

NOW, in NO way am I condoning extramarital affairs. Should I ever find some unsuspecting fool to marry me it is my largest concern cause I truly think men create their own problems with the emotional connections they keep. Setting themselves up for FAILURE. The flesh is weak and as we remember from my last post, the mind controls the body. We already know more than half of marriages fail... we just all go into 'em hoping we'll be apart of the minority.

Mostly, the cataclyst for this blog? I just want people to start taking responsibility for their own shit. No one can destroy your marriage/relationship. We do that on our own. No one can "take" your lover... your lover willingly goes. No one OWES you any sort of respect, concern, or discussion... so just be happy when you get it.

I said I would be continuing to support her career. Nobody wants to look at that sh--. They wanna look at 'Alicia Keys.' That sh-- is ignorant." ~Swizz Beatz

Exactly.. if you gonna look at anybody... look at Swizz! LOL ... but no, forreal.

ONLY Swizz and Alicia know what they were really doing or — for THAT matter — what Swizz was really telling her while they were doing what they were doing, because they can concoct some very elaborate stories, can't they?

All that being said, I hope Alicia watches herself. She may wake up a couple years later with a beautiful seed, finding that her hubz still holds a closer relationship to his ex than she thinks. Scorned wives have a way of trolling their ex's new relationship and just staying on top of it. Because they WANT that relationship to fail. They want someone (specifically her) to experience what they did, even if they SAY they don't. So be leery, girl, of her sending old pics, texting about the good times, pictures of body parts, inappropriate conversations nothing to do with the child, asking him to get her a new wardrobe, hair done, shoes (and not with alimony or child support but out of YA'LLs money) and him ACTUALLY DOING IT, referencing their marriage CONSTANTLY, reliving the engagement and when he bought the ring, all the "remember when?s" and possibly taking your child out with theirs behind your back like THEY'RE a family! Like Sunshine Anderson said, "I heard it ALL before!"

My Soror constanly uses the phrase: "The way you get him is the way you gone lose him."
Sometimes we don't realize how we got 'em.... you just a victim of circumstance. On to the next one...

Sources: maniestopart2.com, thehoodtime.com, dailymail.co.uk, vibe.com, zimbio.com

I'm Just Lovin' ME For a Moment

Pardon me... I'm just loving me for a moment this morning.

I woke up this morning to the smell of my conditioned hair...
As I lay in my satin sheets, I noticed the beautiful outline of my vessel.

It came to me...
I am a resurrected vessel... Beautiful. Moving into another level of wholeness. I think I ought to love ME this morning..

Pardon me... I'm just loving ME for a moment this morning

I woke up this morning to the pattern of my own shadow; I cannot only see it but I can appreciate it. If a perfect God can take that much time in molding ME, loving ME, cherishing ME, reshaping ME... then surely I am worth loving me...

Pardon me... I'm just loving ME for a moment this morning

I woke up this morning alone, but not lonely. I got tired of waiting for someone to put ice in my soda, milk in my tea, jam on my biscuits, peas in my rice, and soap on my back.

I am not alone.

I have me.... I have me.... I have ME....
and then I have the omnipresent God who has made me...
When I put the ice in my soda... He stands there observing me...
ready to suggest creative ways to set my table.

Pardon me... I'm just loving ME for a moment this morning

I woke up this morning and beheld the beautiful reflection of a five-foot-something frame; a soft smile, a shiny nose , medium length hair, brown-skinned complexion, and a Biblically perfect shape. I leaned forward and kissed the mirror... "I LOVE YOU, GIRL!" Not because of your external beauty... Not because Mama said you were beautiful... Not because a man told you you were beautiful, NO!

Because God values... YOU!
Because God loves... YOU!
When I look at all your attributes, and I think about what God has predestined you to become... I can only say that I LOVE you..

For all the battles you've conquered...
For the tears you've shed...
For the negative words that shot you down...
For the pain you've overcome...
For the growth you've sustained... I LOVE YOU, Girl..

Pardon me... I'm just loving ME for a moment this morning

~Minister Nina Clark~

2009 Rewind...

2009, for me, was all about Love.
I can sum it up in just that one little powerful word.

I started a To Be Continued post on The Black Family a while black... and how it was dying. Dead. Kaput. This is my rewind of that.

While I DO still feel the Black Family has a loooong way to go, I no longer feel it's a lost cause... I think. I spoke to a friend of mine, a Married of several years, like 7 who is contemplating leaving the Sacred Union because there is little that can be done to restore it back to it's original goodness. With three little ones, a nice home, two cars, head of household at stake, it's difficult for many to see how someone could walk away. I feel bad for that friend, cause I know that Friend has been trying the hardest to keep things afloat in that marriage. It makes me wonder... not only about the Black Family but about this concept of forever..

"I want this shit forever mayne." ~ Drake

Forever is such a long time... and it often worries me. I mean, I think about a couple like my parents who suffered and survived every kind of problem a marriage could from alcoholism, anger management, heart attacks, infidelity to death, and still managed to look at each other lovingly after 27 years... and pray that at least the "lovingly" is in my future. I don't know that I have the patience or staying power to deal with a few of those things... but marriage says for "better or worse," "in sickness and in health"... clearly many people don't take this charge (hence why we have a something like 58% divorce rate?). I know each year of any relationship (married or otherwise) is going to come with ups and downs... at what point do we stop wanting the "forever" we signed up for?

In my present relationship, everyday is a lesson. Everyday is a glimpse into the future. And I am enjoying each day more and more, even the trying ones to get to that forever possibility. I've read of people marrying someone "no matter what was going on at the time" they proposed. Meaning, things were clearly wrong, and probably destined to fail but people still entered into something so serious. Why do we do that, exactly? When we know something is wrong, or won't work yet we enter into it anyway? For... ever? Is it because we take the concept and idea of marriage so lightly the thought of "well, if it don't work, I'll just get a divorce?"

I mean, I know I am a never married individual speaking on this subject but that's how we unmarried individuals either stay unmarried or only marry — and stay married — once. Hopefully the latter for me. I know I talk a lot of shit, but there should be NO contesting I'd make an awesome wife... *pauses to see who dare disagree*.......
......
...........
............

*ahem* so I say all that to say this:

Black Family, we can be so much more than Dads visiting their children every other weekend, baby mama drama, and constant drama and bullshit. (I do realize white families go through a lot of the same, but that doesn't affect me.) I just keep looking at that Ebony cover of the Obama's... you think Barack and Michelle don't have issues or haven't had any in all their years? OK, maybe they're as perfect as they look, lol, but the point is, I am sure they have days where Michelle/Barack is like, "OK, please get away from me" but both realize the importance of the other in her/his life.

Sooo with all this introspective thinking.... I came up with one solid solution for hope: we can save our families starting with taking more responsibility for our own actions.

MEN...

Leave your pasts behind... you guys are so caught up on hurting someones feelings, or just not over someone, holding on to someone who you can't be with or don't want to be with, stirring feelings just cause you got too much time on your hands, or WHATEVER the fock you're doing does NOT help. I mean, seriously, if you don't listen to anything I've EVER said, listen to me NOW when I say, pick a path (read: woman) and stick with her. Give her your ALL.. and see how that goes for you... video chatting, sex texts, inappropriate pic mails with your exes, baby mamas, jumpoffs and the like just keep us in the struggle... COMMIT.

WOMEN....

You can't become a different person once you have the ring or a few months in. Rationing the precious, not cooking, not keeping yourself tight around the waist and what not (trust me I'm guilty of all.. OK, not the first one, but maybe the second from time to time and definitely the last BUT my eyes are open now...I'm on it lol). You have to do the SAME things you did to get him to keep him... it's a poorly used reason from men when they cheat, but when you think about it, it's true. We often transform ourselves during the dating process, or so I hear, cause we are looking for marriage... I implore you: STOP it! To know you... is to love you! He should get to know you. If he loves that person in the present... he'll love her in the future.

MEN...

You can't be sitting around the house not doing NOTHIN.. clean up, take the garbage out, wash a dish, help with the kids! Motherhood and taking care of a home is TIRING... it's helpful to your home and relationship to lend a helping hand. And not just every once in a while, but on a REGULAR basis.

WO(MAN)...

Be prepared to work together... pray together, put God first, cause it takes HARD GOTDAMN WORK to get to forever. And listen to your mate... sometimes — hell often times — they are putting you on notice without causing a fuss. Found something troubling, but leave subtle hints to avoid drama but let you know to shape up or ship the hell out...

Let's NOT enter into anymore future forevers without understanding the work and commitment there needs to be on our OWN part to salvage it and make it its best. Stop always pointing a finger and fix yourself first. You know what wrong you doing before it's even pointed out. Unless you're one of those people who just sucks... come on people... I could cry writing this blog post. I know the Black Family could be SO much more, if we just give ourselves some credit for our own shit... the good, the bad and the ugly...

Ya'll kno who it is....

You Just Do You...

"I'ma do me!"

I'm tired blog world.

Life and times of RBG have been one for the record books in 2009.

Ups and downs, twists and turns, smiles and hollers and tears from the wind... just like a roller coaster.

An emotional roller coaster... man, I loved that song. It's a shame I can't listen to it now because I have bad memories of it. I'm kicking ass in the gym... which is nice, but I stay draggin. My house hasn't been RBG clean in months and people I love(d) keep contradicting themselves... it's all too much. I don't have the concentration to focus on studying for my certs... I don't have the desire to look for a (better) gig because I'm starting to doubt myself as a professional... starting to worry that I really don't work well for others.. can't keep my mouth shut.. always wanting to speak my mind... thinkin I kno what's best... OK, I usually do, but still.... *SIGH*

I'm tired. Starting to doubt the sanctity of marriage or hell monogamous relationships for that matter. Starting to wonder if I can do either or will ever be able to without wanting to slap the dog shit out of my partner. If I'll have any more children. Wondering if toddlers are really evil little adorable beings sent from the Planet Twubble. Just thinkin and wondering way too much, really. I am certain it has a lot to do with me turning 30 in January. Even though 30 is still young and I'm fairly vibrant, it's still associated with getting older... I... am getting... older... word??? And with old age comes death... and I don't want to die.... you know, like ... ever. lol

I always look at people sideways when they're like, "I ain't afraid to die!" or "I'm ready to meet Jesus." Ummmm well let me be the first real b*tch to say, I AM afraid; and I am sure he's very nice but I don't want to meet him anytime soon. Also something I wonder/worry about... so many religions to choose from... none that 100% satisfy me... it's annoying. I know I am capable of living right, doing right, being right but when will I be ready. Which on is right? If I choose this one and I get "there" and it's not the right choice then what?! I'm screwed. I was takin my aggression on on the treadmill (well still am) and several other endorphin-building activities, but then I hurt my knee which slowed me down some.

Speaking of running... I kinda wanna run away some days. Did I already say I could use need a vacation?

With all that said, things are on the up and up.. lol And just like that, getting all that off my chest, I'm exhausted now. Yet, I can't go to sleep... *looks over at crazy toddler* is this justice?

And Now For My Closing Remarks

"I don't scratch my head unless it itches and I don't dance unless I hear some music. I will not be intimidated. That's just the way it is."
~ Coach Herman Boone "Remember the Titans"

So it's been a crazy couple days. Love Lockdown over the weekend, my child keeps waking up at odd hours of the night, confused people keep vandalizing my blog, my desk looks like a tornado hit it, folks think they teaching me lessons via snarky blog posts... I mean, my Jah! What on erf did I do to warrant such lunacy?! lol I'm a very optimistic, turn the other cheek, severely conscious person and while that doesn't change today, people definitely been tryin to test me. The conclusion I've made is it boils down to unhappy folks trying to upset my Chi. Welp! It ain't gone happen. My Grams would say something like, "misery loves company." But I ain't never been miserable in my damn life. Maybe a lil stubborn at times... harsh wid the tone... a tomboy who walks extremely well in heels, but never miserable, pathetic or loser-like. "I'm a winner. I'm going to win."

But the fact is, I've wasted way too much inner-g on several issues that no longer require my attention. To be honest, they didn't really require my attention from jump, but I wouldn't be a real sassy Capricorn if I didn't at least get my point across. I wasn't in debates for nothing.

What DOES require my attention is my busy toddler, my wonderful home, getting my home office in order to get-get-get get busy (ya'll remember that?) and this workout that has me sore as all get out... damn you Chalene! *angry fist* After a brief morning meditation, because my child just doesn't sleep in even on spring break I realized even though I have absolutely no care in my mind to the ridiculousness... I am giving people too much of my time and thought process. Wondering why, who, what, when where, how. So I close out these crazy chapters wid these last two posts on the matters at hand. Even though the events fall directly in line wid what I do here... it don't get no realah than that, Black Girl. I am done aiding and abetting crazy people, tho. Hopefully she gets the message. I didn't mean it to get snippy, but man, ya'll should see how many times she replied on the wrong blog wid this nonsense and at strange hours of the morning when normal people are sleep or working the overnight shift. But hell, therapy ain't free and I caint continue to administer 1. widout a license but 2. widout gettin that money! I spoke to my brother (a cop) bout my concerns and he said that I am handling each situation marvelously (that's a given! :) ) because I didn't allow it to fester and I am the documentation queen. So there that is. Finito.

Moving on....

Sweaty locs love.
I need some frickin product that's gonna keep my locs maintained a lil longer. All this sweating has my babies already puffy again when I retwisted like a week ago. I don't want build up in em though, so not sure what plan of action to take. I'ma hafta figure it out tho, cause I went from working out none to five times a week and my hair is like naw, naw, naw HELL naw! We ain't on that RBG!

Gotta get some act eat right.
So, my workouts seem to finally be coming on point... I'm actually making it through the whole thing now lol but my eating is still draggin feet. I have all the ingredients but I'm just kinda eating all of them... lol, must get that together. Also, I realize the extra hunger is a direct product of the activity, but I have to start being accountable for exactly what goes in... my caloric intake and all that jazz. I will try, try, try my best to use Spark more often.

Really, gwan get stuff done today... for real
Once done posting here, I'm turning on tunes and cleaning, tossing, etc. Then I will put lil bit down for an early nap since he's been up since 5 a.m. (grr) and then do my workout and finish cleaning... hopefully I will completely exhaust myself today and then I can really, really REST uninterrupted this evening. Here's a'hopin. I'm sure there's something I'm forgetting... oh, I ain't get out the house all day yesterday EITHA... Rj and I are definitely experiencing some cabin fever. Seriously, seriously gonna get out today. I need to go to Tarje... ooh la la.

Sympathy

"The most unloving thing one can do is fire back at someone they claim to love wid angry words of emotion... just because he/she was hurting." ~ RBG

"You better watch who you beef wid."
~ Can-i-bus

I spoke of PPC yesterday... a man who appeared on paper to be my soul mate. You'd probably noticed, one thing I didn't do was bad mouth him... even though there left lots of room to do so. He was the first boyfriend of mine who was incredibly against a civil dissolution of love. I'd never experienced such anger and humiliation until I saw a bag of garbage thrown across the room just because I was ending our love affair, for just cause. I would experience it a couple times more since then... PPC bad mouthed me to our mutual friend, that I was disloyal and left when he needed me most. Luckily she knew the truth behind it all and knew if nothing else, I was the most loyal... we just weren't as compatible as I would have prayed. And while there was PLENTY I coulda went hard on him about, like real motherlovin problems... I never did. Even when he sent me a return mail (months later, I mailed to see how he was doing and to tell him I missed him and perhaps I could have handled things differently) with the most brutal attacks on my character I have ever read and heard... ever... about.me?

Then there was Blast, the one who put me on blast on his blog because I didn't really see room in my life for a long-distance relationship. He wasn't that bad in comparison... plus he did it in a discreet way where I was the only one who knew what the eff he was talking about. His opinion was that I was missing out on something without at least giving him a shot because of what had happened to me in the past wid LD relationships. He very well could have been right. But if don't nobody else know my mental... I do. And it's best I follow my first mind before I succumb to terms of endearment.

I read in a "friendly" letter yesterday, that someone dear to my heart didn't know whether " to hate (me) or feel sorry for (me)." I can't lie Blogsphere, it stung to hear someone I trusted and believed in, more than he originally believed in himself, to speak to me with a daggerous tongue. Knowing I don't viciously attack anyone... especially him. Knowing he continued a "relationship" for much too long wid someone who hurt him, emotionally attacked him and the foul shit he did in return... reading that let me know, as a best friend, I was not above the anger.

But I digress. He felt sorry for me because I didn't settle for a husband when one was looking me in the face. On a day/night (my father's born day) where every person who cared about me in my life was trying to keep me from being sad, thinking too much, being emotional, crying over my Daddy, reinstilling in me why they love me, because I love life... this friend was feeling sorry for and/or hating me. We already know it takes too much inner-g to hate someone, so I won't spend time on that one. But let's debrief about what is sympathy exactly?

sym⋅pa⋅thy

  /ˈsɪmpəθi/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [sim-puh-thee] noun, plural -thies, adjective –noun

harmony of or agreement in feeling, as between persons or on the part of one person with respect to another.

the harmony of feeling naturally existing between persons of like tastes or opinion or of congenial dispositions.

the fact or power of sharing the feelings of another, esp. in sorrow or trouble; fellow feeling, compassion, or commiseration.

sympathies, a. feelings or impulses of compassion. b. feelings of favor, support, or loyalty: It's hard to tell where your sympathies lie.

favorable or approving accord; favor or approval: He viewed the plan with sympathy and publicly backed it.

agreement, consonance, or accord.

Nice right? Only problem is, he doesn't sympathize he feels sorry.... for.me? That is not nice. Hate is definitely not nice. But I had to examine further. So he feels sorry for me because I thought to work on self before committing to someone. Is this how we weigh personal fulfillment? In the responsibility of another? Cause then how is it personal?

" But Gypsy woman as you approach 30 you will have to set down somewhere, as a mother of (The) wonderful Sun."

Sit down somewhere? As if I am out of control? Or reckless? Say word, friend? I am anything BUT. I've been a great mother to my Sun. A.fucking.great.one. For nearing three years this September. When he was conceived. I walked throughout my pregnancy and did yoga and water aerobics. I stopped drinking, smoking my occasional cigar or even being around second-hand smoke. I had him vaginally, and naturally, and it was the most beautiful moment I've ever experienced. I took him to the doctor on schedule, vaccinated on time, asked the doctors all kindsa "crazy new mom" questions to be on top of my game. Left unstable situations, despite the womanly fear to be alone, because I know what's best for him. I play wid him for at least two hours everyday and some days... hell, many days... are just about him. This life thing, now is just about him. To set(tle) down SOMEWHERE to me suggests settle down anywhere. And THAT my friend, is something the true Mother of the Sun, Dawta of Light, just will never do. Whether I am approaching 30 or 300.

I'm hurt, cause not only do I never attack my friend on what HE should work on, have, be doing at his older age (instead always focusing on what I can fix in self and only being supportive of my friend recognizing potential he failed to see) but it.really... sucks that in a land of so much opportunity, in two thousand and nine, for Pete's sake, a woman who actually leaves her house to physically GO to work for 40 hours a month and still makes more than the standard household income for a single mom (hey, I ain't rich, but TRUST I do aite! and only a few months young in this consulting thang) a woman who owns her own car, has her own home, a woman who pays her bills on time with astonishingly sexy credit score, a woman who raises her sun extremely well given the cards dealt, feeds him nutritious foods, who is conscious, healthy, caring, educated two times over, can be felt sorry for because she doesn't have a husband. Or isn't settling on one. This is bullshit.

And just because I am angry in return I still won't dagger my tongue. That friend was important to me. I truly love him. I still pray for him. But "drunk lips" don't lie... and I know now at least a piece of what he was really thinking when I was emotionally battling what to do about my husband in training. What that judgmental friend clearly will never understand is that it was a hard... extremely hard... decision to make. But I made it for the best interest of everyone. I suggest my old friend, and even my ex-husband in training, take a look at themselves before feeling sorry for me. Like I look at myself... widout ever having the disgusting gall to feel sorry for him.



"People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you will know exactly what to do."
~ Anonymous

If I Could Rewind The Times...

I remember sitting in my dorm room when I received the call that my dad was experiencing some complications. I drove home that same night. Late. He'd went into a "standard procedure" to loosen a blockage in his legs that he'd mentioned to me over my winter break. He'd survived a triple bypass three years prior so it was to be a walk in the park. He was Superman. He never made it home from that procedure. Trips back and forth to the hospital... would end with me receiving a call while laying in my boyfriends bed in the wee hours of the morning... his chest where I would cry and talk about how I couldn't lose my daddy... where he tried best with two parents to tell me it would be OK. To this day, he tells me he feels bad that he didn't prepare me better. And to this day, I tell him he was supposed to try to make me believe.

I feel silly nine years later, after so many failed attempts to visit his grave, still mourning my dad. He was born today... and I haven't yet shed a tear like birthdays past. And that too, makes me feel silly. It's weird to lose a parent, yanno? A person who is your hero... you never know how to adapt to that. My mother didn't date/marry till 5 years after he died. And then married a man ... almost like him. (There's only one.)

I have been going through so much emotionally and haven't talked to anybody for very long about any of it.... for nine years... that same year I lost my dad, my first love/fiance and I broke up. The same one who's chest I cried on. Yes. A year after that he was engaged to be married and married a month later. Like it was nothing.

I finished school and six months after graduation I ran away moved to Michigan for man job thinking I'd found my Prince Charming. I was incredibly, incorrect. I stayed there for four years... two after my leaving PPC (pseudo prince charming). I spent those two years secretly wondering what would have happened with my first love had he just been a little more patient and honest. Which is why when I returned to the city it was only a few months before he called wanting to see me... I let him. I now know what would have happened... we would have dated in a non-marital union for near three years, conceived and birthed a sun and I would have left him because he was still the same patient, dishonest man.

I moved right back into love before I even had him off my couch. And not rebound shit... real love. Love you feel for someone because you sense they truly care about you... but true to form.. true to my nature, I didn't give myself that time. I didn't recognize the true damage that had been done because I am always so well put together. SO head strong... so strong-willed, so smart, so determined... never taking a time out for moi. And now I have exhausted her in love. To the point where I roll eyes to things that would normally make my heart melt.

To the point where I avoid calls because I don't feel like being bothered. But to someone who has shown me nothing but extreme love and respect. It's unfair really. To both of us. Him first, because he deserves someone who is just as lovey dovey as he.... and to me, because I feel robbed of my lovey dovey... something I once was so fluidly... for the wrong.fucking.people... and now it's too late. I need to stop running from the reality that I could use time to get it together. I didn't allow myself that much at all through my years here as an adult. I feel horrible. I don't know other ways to say it verbally... he so determined. Not realizing I SEE how great we are... but I don't want to damage anyone -- especially him -- the way I have been. So I am taking a step back... and praying to Jah he don't hate me for it. Pray to Jah that we'll come full circle like all things meant... but now is not time. RBG has some splaining to do... to herself.

If I could rewind the times, I would have told my Dad to get more than one opinion. I'da set "first love" free at the first discrepancy in our long-distance relationship... and things would be different. BUT if they were, I wouldn't have the greatest gift known to man.... I am FIRM believer in all things happening for reason... I rarely know the reason right away or soon after. But I am gonna get to the bottom... of me.

(Current) Thought Process... of a Gypsy.

I am rethinking a lot of things and purging a lot of stress and aggravation...
I have come across a great many revelations in the past several months since freedom...
I am ready for the rebirth of Sanni...
I have been holding back from myself... I have been scared.
I can't choose the way people act, live, love, treat me, respond, but I can choose how I RE-act.
I am battling the pros and cons...
I am sad at the mental state of others...
I am secure in myself.
I love hard... so it means something when I don't.
I re-need clarity. I am ))centering(( of self.
But can no longer be self... centered.
I meditate for peace...
I sit in the bask of The Sun for peace...
I am regaining spirituality where it counts...
I am a p u
z
z le...
I have all the pieces, but am still putting it together...
I have 9 months to figure it out...
That is when the childishness and fun of 20s can't be used as an excuse anymore...
I am making a way out of none.
I am not going to worry about toma...
I am going to start treating others how I would want to be treated...
... respected. Whether it hurts me or not...
I am righting wrongs... Whether it hurts you or not.
Taking responsibility for my actions...
Taking a time out...
No more flags on the play...
I am thinking...
I've been a good person, but there is always room for improvement.
"I was born under a wandering star"... Gypsy free. Gypsy me.

© 2009 CZS / RBG



image source: mary croppins... "gypsy" border

Observations...

A few things I've observed over the last couple days....

Spring Snow Storm

So, I looked out my window this morning to this.... Mother Nature... stop playin! April is in 3 days!

My excellent cheese omelet breakfast:
In honor of the snow, I made a real breakfast for the first time in like two weeks. Cheese omelet, hashbrowns wid onion and turkey sausage... yumtastic.



Cowardly Behavior
People who read my blog daily and vandalize it then run and hide by closing their blog to public eye are funny!

I Apologize... I Think.

I apologize you're a lifeless loser wid nothing better to do than ANONYMOUS comment on my blog about a man who doesn't want you anymore.

I am not your problem, dear. In fact, I don't know (or care) about your previous dynamic with him. Because tis just that... previous. And I came along much after. I apologize that you have not found someone new in all this time. Or made things work with that one guy who wanted to wife you. I can tell you they are few and far between so I know your energy is better directed elsewhere.

I think I apologize you couldn't capitalize on his heart when you had access to it. In fact, how dare you get attitudinal with ME when you had three entiyah weeks where we each could have taken or left each other. I would say you chose to not strike while the iron was hot... but let's be real, he prolly wouldn't have welcomed you then either.

I am not your problem. And you know it. I realize he's not taking your calls nor responding to your email and if he is, isn't saying anything you want to hear. I can understand the frustration, well not really... I've never been not wanted by the men I want. But your virtue was blown. Hard to come back from that, even if you had all your marbles.

I am on a different level than you... clearly. Because your ANONYMOUS comments make me giggle. Because even through it all, well, he's satisfied... very much so... and still.here. I understand you think he's your man and I've "stolen" him, but the truth of the matter is, you ruined that union, not me. So I apologize that you need to get real... I think. I feel sorry for you because you really believed you were possibly up next for the throne...

You say it'll be over soon... even if that were true... it definitely wouldn't be because of you. You say his lips are like butter? Whatever the example, much like his eyes, they're only for me. So I hope you savored 'em... do like others of your kind, bottle it up, clench it, hold on to it soooo.veerrrry.tight -- the memory. Think about him when you're sexing dude for all I care... Just realize where you should direct all this crazy... because while I have a sense of humor... several people who love him/me don't. And they itching for me to release the hounds.

When all is said and done, I do believe there is someone for everybody... don't miss your blessing worrying about mine.

Play Your Position

Avoid having your ego so close to your position that when your position falls, your ego goes with it.
~ Colin Powell




I am confident in myself that I don't ever feel the need to backlash the next woman for the insecurities the man she now frequents left on my skin. I have never been a fight for my man kinda female. I think, if the slightest attention from another girl can spawn his disloyalty he wasn't meant worth having... i.e., if it's that easy to take you you weren't mine anyway.

I've noticed that the devil gets busy when he knows you're happy. But I know he's a liar and a hypocrite and a bored loser. Always seeking out to ruin your chi, interrupt your solace and make your peace ineffective. I've armed myself to understand this is how he operates and have built up my defenses. I am happy. And no weapons formed against me shall prosper in ruining that.

Because my happiness is based on a plethora of things, the devil thinkin that he can step in and attack one thing and thereby mess up my world is highly motherfucking improbable. I don't ever intentionally disrespect anyone... never have, never will. It's just not my role in this life. My mother and father raised me as a lady of distinction. I've had a handful of fist fights (all which I've won thanks to my hidden muscular build and stocky frame and love for studying the sweet science) in my life and only then because I really had no choice when Baby was backed into a corner (and nobody backs baby into a corner).

In my wise age, I find it easier to peace myself wid those around me and take a mellow approach to haters, evil doers and just negativity as a whole. Tis how I got to a better place wid my father's family, my sun's father and ultimately the world itself. There will always be haters; I've accepted and move past that... but how haters affect you is a totally different subject. I refuse to let them penetrate me. At all. For if we all played our position, we would never be bewildered of where we stand... thereby keeping confusion at a minimum... tempers low and meditation on life and understanding of self, very, very high. Know who you are before speaking out of turn... more importantly, know who I am.

Onward and upward, forward progression.

Yes.

What you think you know

...doesn't necessarily have much to do with reality.

(She) just hate me cause (she) ain't me! ~Busta Rhymes' character in Higher Learning

This will be a random ass blog post... about people who think they know, but have no idea. *tags it random before she forgets... OK, done* This post is to those of ya'll who don't have a clue. See, everybody (no matter your IQ, social and/or political standing, religious/sexual preference etc) gets MAD love from RBG. :)

Boo, he's just not that into you... and who the eff cares?!

I'm so tired of that phrase... I almost want to kill the writers of Sex and the City for ever coining the phrase for the jackass who then in turn wrote the book. I mean, do you REALLY think we women don't know when a man ain't feeling us?! *giggles profusely* We know, we just often think we can change his mind. LOL

I had a long IM conversation wid my homegirl one evening a lil over a week ago... telling her how well my conversation went the day before and how mm mm good breakfast was the morning after (whoever thought to put cheese grits with catfish is a genius!) and how I had my epiphany while speaking to my sisterfriend. But not until I had to listen to her whole sordid story entitled... Life Dating the Emotionally-Detached Brother. It's a comedy, it's a "love" story, it is pure unadulterated buffoonery. And we EACH have been there, ladies.

It generally starts with the set.up. It usually sounds something like, "I'm not looking for a relationship... right now." Now, while I do respect men who can broadcast this, it's really like, dude, I just asked you what we were eating for dinner! This is usually the first sign that he's not going to be exactly what you need... because we, as women, aren't generally proned to sleeping wid a man, just because. No catches, no strings, no worries. Don't get me wrong, we CAN do it. But for the most part we opt not to. But when you do opt to, be ready for the hardship b/c itz usually the ones wid so much potential that do this. So you're bound to fail. If you are apart of that lucky 20%* who actually gets the man to see your fabulous traits while you tuck all your crazy inside... cheers to you, doll... but that other 80%* ain't changing their mind. And it's been my experience that they always go for someone who's NOT on your level, at all. And sometimes it's a better level... live, learn and let.it.go. Cause K. Cole said it best...

If he ain't gonna love you, the way he should you need to let him go...

Ladies, please let's stop trying to hold on to these men who don't want us, don't want to treat us right, with somebody else and you think he coming back to you. It's ridiculous! I said last year that I was done trying to make some herb love me the way I deserve to be loved. I might give him some helpful prodding into all my delicate and intricate ways of thinking, living, independent-spirit nature, but that's about all I can do. Itz easy to pick up on all my not-so subtle hints of what makes me happy, feel loved so that I can be the best me to you I can be.

If I hear one more female say, "yeah he wid her but he thinking bout me tho" I will scream. No, boo, that's very unlikely. If he was thinking about you, he would be with you. Or at least paying you some attention. Stop tryin to do all these grand gestures, declarations, busting his windows out his car... it's not gonna make him love you the right way. Meanwhile, you're prolly looking over a cat who really does want to love your ass. "I know HE loves me, but he'll just have to deal wid it, if I can make you love me." Are you serial? Let's do better in 2009, ladies and really, really get down to the heart of the matter. And let that other crap rest. "You don't get the picture? The picture's in his wallet!" ~Lil Kim

If the Queen is happy, the whole Kingdom is euphoric. I guarantee you.
To my guys... I have a secret. When your woman is happy, you will always be happy! It is a little-known, highly true fact. It's really simple... you keep us happy and all else will be just fine. You'll get fed, loved, sexed like a porn star and great home life. I can't tell you what makes your woman happy... that's all up to you, but take heed and be well.

This is my last relationship rant post for a while... back to sunflowers and gumdrops! :-)

*Facts and figures have not been tested, proven or tallied by anyone who knows what she is talking about!

Disturbing Behavior

So my friends have been coming out the woodworks wid men issues the past two weeks... and I've even had my own. All of which spawned me to think about the morality in dating and love for a few days and I was conflicted on how to get this post jumpin... there were so many issues I wanted to cover and then realized I was getting redundant. So I have tried to make myself more concise, and sum up the major bullet points that were my hodgepodge of thoughts.


"How can I really love you, if I don't trust you?"

I have always been a flirt... sometimes I think it's in my DNA. But I do it subconsciously most of the time (unless I am trying to get drinks for the whole table of married/taken women out of some unsuspecting young man at a club or lounge) and it is usually harmless and done in jest. I try to be more conscious of it when I am in a relationship because I don't want to be misread. Luckily for me tho, guys don't think that much into it, so if a woman is flirting with them, but then later doesn't give them the time of day, he shrugs it off and forgets about her... generally.

Women are usually not one in the same... especially if that woman is single. If you, a man, flirt with her, and you're attractive to her, I guarantee you on some level she's going to want to wonder what it might be like to be with you rather on an emotional or sexual level... and do (in many cases) whatever she must to continue that interest... whether you are taken or not. Because a majority of them are scandalous every woman likes to feel wanted. Point blank period. And if she is in a relationship where her current isn't often telling her how much he appreciates her, her body, her humor, her scent, her beauty and this random handsome over here will... she's more susceptible to listen. And this is how cheating ensues. And listen carefully when I say, cheating does not always have to be sexual in nature. It is also emotional. Carrying on conversations (verbal, textual, written) that you know your spouse or significant other would hang you over is rude and unacceptable. For it is that emotional connection that binds us first, and then we want to see what that do in bed. I'm not saying it's right... I'm just saying it is what it is. Don't shoot the messenger it is the truth. It is also important to add here that if you are in a relationship and the person you're flirting wid knows you're spoken for but still chumming it up it GENERALLY makes them wonder about your moral code... but not for long cause we as humans, are always, always gonna do what we want to do and what makes us feel good.

Then when all this occurs, someone has cheated... the trust is broken at that very moment it's brought to light. (And all things done in the dark will come to light.) It's very hard to come back from that. For me, trust is not given right off the bat -- several of my homegirls disagree wid this approach, but the way I feel is I can't trust someone I don't know... that's like trusting the dude walkin next to you, not knowin if he's a pickpocket, a rapist or otherwise... I'm not sayin I be on the defensive wid every guy I meet, but I ain't gwan let him hold my pocketbook. Seen? So when I finally do entrust my heart into you and accept you as my King, I expect you to act accordingly and I therefore trust you until you give me a reason not to. But what happens when someone puts him or herself in a position to be human and make mistakes... is there amnesty for that? Unfortunately it's hard to get trust back ... sometimes it's impossible... especially if your behavior and attitude don't change. And it's damn hard to love someone you don't trust... which is why I always sever ties... why make things difficult for both of us.

*authors note: I would probably be willing to consider counseling if I were married and if the other person were willing... notice how I know it would him who cheated. I don't put myself in compromising positions to cheat. Take note.


I love you... but I'm not IN love wid you
OK, seriously man... wtf? How have we been dating for months, damn near living together, blending families and you're not "in love?" I'll kill you... to my homie girl, choke.him.out. That is all.

I want to marry you, eventually
I think of Steve Harvey who is constantly yelling at women in that loud southern drawl that men don't need forever to know they want you as their wife and that money matters are generally a cop out. While I do respect the gangster of a man who can share a household, often a child(ren) and debt with a woman without a marriage certificate but hasn't popped the question, I do it not for the reasons you think I might. I only respect it, because that's Jah's way of telling that woman to get the hell out. "So let me get this straight... we married, everywhere but on paper... you want me to cosign for a car, but can't solidify this before God and a hundred of our closest friends and family?" Kill yaself. lol

Relationships are not a 70/30 split
The other day I bought dinner for my potential king and I... while I was out picking up dinner, he washed my dishes. I couldn't help but smile at the flash forward of making sure to always play your role. It made me think how nice it could be as an Us...

It's good to find a man who understands the importance of compromise. And before you yell, talkin bout "RBG, those men don't exist dammit!" Allow me to tell you that they DO, but just are few and far between. Not only are they out there, but they looking for you too. Sometimes they come in a different shell than your fairytale made them appear, but all the important components (honest, loving, sentimental, romantic... all that girly shit you care about) are there. You just have to look deep within his eyes.

Never make someone your priority when you're only an option to them
I cried and cried... and cried when I left my last relationship. Wondering why I couldn't be everything he needed... Bawling bout how I gave him my all... till one day my homeboy said... "well, why on earth would you do that, dear, when he wasn't giving you all of him? Never make someone priority when you're only an option to him. I taught you better" And I dried my eyes and began healing.

As women, it's second nature to give all of ourselves in a relationship but we never really figure out the cost:benefit ratio. I will put as much as I am giving into a relationship, so it's important to give the very best of you and I will reciprocate accordingly.

It is only when we learn to notice and combat these disturbing behaviors that we will truly have successful relationships, marriages, families... I refuse to believe Ossie and Ruby made it as far as they did not understanding the basic principles on preserving black love. I can't wait to see what their book teaches me. Thanks, birthday fairy.

I'm not scared... but...

I heard it on Sirius XM in my whip on Tuesday morning...
Tuesday afternoon, I immediately had to cop it on iTunes and had to play it loudly...
Because it is so so so so me.
I won't give up on love... I can't but even if it keeps smackin me dead across the face.. I gotta keep trying. I will fail, stumble, fall... but must keep it moving forward... no more looking back.

I'm not scared of lions and tigers and bears (no I'm not)
But I'm scared of (loving you)
I'm not scared to perform at a sold out affair (that's right)
But I'm scared of (loving you)
Am I the only one who thinks it's an impossible task
Why it don't last? Is that too much to ask?
Why do we love Love,
When Love seems to hate us?

Sorry if I sound so filled with gloom.
You say you care, and I know you do...
But this is from my experience
And my conclusion only makes sense.
Just cause I love you, and you love me
It doesn't mean that we're meant to be.
I can climb mountains, swim cross the seas
But the most frightening thing is you and me.

I'm not scared of lions and tigers and bears (no I'm not)
But I'm scared of (loving you)
I'm not scared to perform at a sold out affair (that's right)
But I'm scared of (loving you)
Am I the only one who thinks it's an impossible task
Why it don't last? Is that too much to ask?
Why do we love Love,
When Love seems to hate us?

Most circumstances, I know my fate
But in this love thang, I don't get the game.
Why does it feel like those who give in,
They only wind up losing a friend.
Just cause I love you and you love me,
It doesn't mean that we'll ever be.
Fly cross the ocean, sing for the queen
But the most frightening thing is you and me.

I'm not scared of lions and tigers and bears (no I'm not)
But I'm scared of (loving you)
I'm not scared to perform at a sold out affair (that's right)
But I'm scared of (loving you)
Am I the only one who thinks it's an impossible task
Why it don't last? Is that too much to ask?
Why do we love Love,
When Love seems to hate us?

I'm sure though I'm not sure
But if we never try, We'll never know
It's better to have loved then not to loved at all.
Not trying is worse than to stumble and fall
And if we do, I'd rather it be with you
Cause at least there will be sweet memories.
Oh I'm not scared...

I'm not scared of lions and tigers and bears (no I'm not)
But I'm scared of (loving you)
I'm not scared to perform at a sold out affair (that's right)
But I'm scared of (loving you)
Am I the only one who thinks it's an impossible task
Why it don't last? Is that too much to ask?
Why do we love Love,
When Love seems to hate us?
~ Jazmine Sullivan
Lions, Tigers and Bears
Album: Fearless... cop it.

... Pawed feet ... all over my heart...

What is Sexy, exactly?

I ask because I'm curious.

I just took the longest shower in the history of man, and for the first time, put on my Kimono. Authentically from Japan.. and it feels lovely on my skin. And it made me wonder what makes a person... sexy.

When I was 38 weeks pregnant... I felt beautiful and sexy. But my mate refused to touch me. Even though he told me then it was just the oddness of our son growing in my womb, I wondered how he could deny me for so long. I didn't gain that much weight and I stayed far away from the pregnancy Mu-Mus. I'd hear from several people how "wonderful" and "fabulous" and "sexy" I looked pregnant, but the one person I needed to feel all those things wasn't feeling me.

Now, he did complement me when I dressed for a special outing, telling me how nice I looked... I'd read about this horror story in several pregnancy books and websites, where Dad just wigs out and doesn't have an urge to be as sexual in the later stages of pregnancy. That helped some. But my pregnancy sexual appetite was off the charts. I have never thought myself sexy by "industry standards." You know, lighter skin or perfect black, long silky hair draping an ass the size of stallions.. but as I grew my confidence grew and now, I feel beautiful and sexy inside out. My butt may not be the largest, but it's mine. My skin tone, various shades of beautiful brown, my hair, huge soft black cotton, wide almond eyes and full lips.

I bring this all up because I still felt this way 22 pounds heavier and a huge round belly toting an infant. And my friend who is now pregnant feels she looks horrid. I want to make her see the beauty in herself first, and then realize that the blessing to grow a child only makes her sexier... more beautiful.. and the fact that her child's father doesn't want to touch her means NOTHING, but only that he's missing some of the best sex ever. Moist, warm... tender. She's not even 38 weeks yet and her mate isn't having it. I feel for her. Even more so than I felt for me.

I told her not to let his foolishness get to her. Told her that she still has to get up, shower, put on her sexiest undies and nice maternity wear and STRUT it. It's the only way to stay sane on a nine-month emotional roller coaster.

Some days, even though the books said I shouldn't take it personally... I did. It would sometimes affect the old self esteem. I mean, I was cute! I don't want her self-esteem to take a blow, so I'm giving my best advice along with a hug and a smile.

I wonder how many men stopped loving their women while pregnant and what the reason was for the cease... and how often it was that they could POSSIBLY not see the mother of their child as the sexiest bitch alive.