A Woman's Want for Family...

"I snoop(ed) because I needed to verify, not find..." ~ self

There is little that can fuck with a woman's intuition.

I've never been one to snoop. I've done it in two situations in my life antes (before in Spanish)... and I hated having to BUT it was a necessary evil. Because both times I found information necessary to make my next move. Information I would have never been privy to, even though it was my right to know.

I think what hurt the most is that my intuition was always right. Like, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that a relationship changed. Men notice when their woman, who used to bed butt naked comes to bed in a night shirt, and leggings.. when she's not bleeding. Women notice when he comes to bed much after her when he once followed her in to make sure she slept well.

I noticed when he started sleeping on the couch. I was pregnant then. I thought it then, maybe it was because I was snoring... large baby living in your womb will start that unfortunate habit. Then I thought it was because the TV was in the other room. Making every excuse but realizing something changed.

"Some women will put up with anything, just to say they have a husband..." ~ Madea

I always thought this was a powerful quote. For nearly three years I held on to a man who I wanted to marry even though throughout those three years he showed me so many things a husband isn't supposed to do. I realize I expect a lot from the people I date way before I am prepared to give those things in return. I accept, try to make amends and change this fault... however, there are three things when I am in a TRUE couple I will always give from jump: my undivided loyalty, my trust and my respect. Because I want those things off the bat as well.

The point I am tryin to make is, I closed my eyes for a long time... because my want to be a family with the man with whom I conceived a child with overpowered my good sense. A man who plans to make you his Queen does not speak inappropriately to women of his past. He will actually, if he is truly serious, cut all ties with anyone/thing he thinks might hinder that growth. To that same effect, he will not make new friends who will hinder the growth either. He does not put any woman's needs, his mama's even, over yours... well this is really more AFTA you are Queen, but perfect practice makes perfect. He will do whatever is necessary within reason to make sure his home is stable, secure, the Queen is happy and they will have communication abound... trust, love, passion and energy for the other.

It took me months of soul searching to really accept that my relationship did not have the core components for marriage survival... and my ex-mate was not open to counseling or religion as helpful resources to fix things and did not offer other alternatives or solutions on how to save us... instead just pretend nothing was happening... so a woman must... DO.

And THAT'S how she determines she's really ready for a family... when she accepts the fact that it may come in a different package than she originally imagined.

The strength of a woman is unmatched, unparalleled... indescribable. Ladies, keep making the right choices... your King will find you.

Nine Months...

Since my last post to this blog.

So much has changed. I am filled with so much emotion, fear, uncertainty but also anxious to know what's the next chapter in my life. How it will read.

I am wondering why it takes a woman to leave before she sees the emotion from the man she must depart from. Why not show you love her daily, respect her daily, versus waiting until she has nothing more to give, where she is at the brink to give up.

Entering this passage of my life as a "single mother" will not be easy, but it will be monumental. For I made a decision for my mental health so I could be a better mother to my child. My heart. Next to God, my everything.

I am clean slating. I adore being happy. I missed it. It's nice to feel it again. I know I will always love my sun's dad, but it took me a long time to know I didn't have to be with him for us to grow together as friends and parents. I AM scared and nervous, we move into our new home in less than two weeks. It's a very exciting time. A new day. But one that I do approach with great sadness seeing as how we're moving as two instead of three. I do love him. And miss the good times already.

I know God will see me through this. I look forward to becoming whole again. In nine months from now, I need to be completely happy thanks to a great network of friends, supportive family and of course tons of prayer.

I can do this.

Ashe...