I'm All In...

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Be Congruent. B-E Congruent.

"They won't do it unless you ask... but you have to say what you mean in such a way that it's a congruent message that is in line with what you want to obtain. If your message is one thing and what they're (reading) is something all together different. They are more likely to believe what is in front of their face. You've got to send a congruent message with what you say and what you physically give the (reader)." ~ My Boss

I've been doing a lot of talking about focus lately. And I've been doing a lot of thinking to get focused. Show focus and Be.Focused.

My job entails a lot of talking... I speak practically everyday to Chicago youth about life after high school choices. I am talking a lot in my relationship, communicating so much better than I ever have before and loving every minute of it. But I'm doing all this talking but must remember to send congruent messages with my actions.

Sometimes, however, I miss the mark. A personal flaw (of very few lol) that I am aware of and trying to manage. You see, all this time, I've thought of my blog as my own personal online Eric Jerome Dickey novel. You guys know of Mr. Dickey? His novels are awesomely constructed of sex, lies, drama, laughs and tears sprinkled with little parts of his real life as something to fall back on. It's why we readers adore him. Every page is so real and human like... you can relate to to it.. sympathize with it or just listen.

Little known RBG fact? I've always wanted to be a playwright and writer... I've got stacks and stacks of old notebooks to prove it. Because in my former life I was to be a reporter slash poet slash author. I love to write: journaling or fiction.. poetry... it's all a reflection of me, but not ALL me. I say that to say that this blog (well really the one previous to it) serves as my little artistic outlet but sprinkles bits an pieces of my life throughout. Really... these are my thoughts. But not all of them... I leave a lot of stuff out for anonymity purposes. Ya'll know how I feel about putting people on blast.


Many of you who read my stuff (thank you) don't know me... but for my fans that know me for who I am, and NOT my alter ego, sometimes what I write here might be a bit much. Which is why I generally don't broadcast that I have a blog to my friends and family. Because more often than not it will cause a problem. And I don't ever want to bring ONLINE problems into my real, totally awesome life.

A little about that life?

I am in real love. Daily. If ever that is up for question because of the tone of my posts, speak to me directly. Many, if not ALL of my posts are generally based on a life I used to have moons ago, but somehow connect in a way to tell a (hopefully) riveting story and/or send a message. Who I am online, isn't exactly who I am when I am playing Do or Die Uno with my family, or having a cocktail over a boxing match. I am much more complex than the words I type... or perhaps my words are more complex than me. I am a simple girl with big dreams. A vivid imagination and a curiosity about life, love, and the pursuit of happiness that is my fairytale. And I express that... here.


In 2010, I am beginning to send congruent messages. I don't ever want someone close to me not knowing where they stand... I have to let my mouth be congruent with what they hear and what the actions they see.

"If I talk about how great it is.... I might jinx it." ~ RBG to Big Sis

I am not a superstitious person, I'll walk under a ladder... kick a black cat... open an umbrella indoors and shrug, but I have said the above quote SO many times. Why on earth do we I keep the great stuff to me and sometimes a selected person? I went through my personal journals... and every page, ya'll... EVERY PAGE was focused on the negative. What IS that? When I KNOW, speaking negativity breeds negativity? I don't want and/or need ANY trouble. I want to effectively get across my point without confusing/hurting anyone I love.

"Messages are conveyed in a wide range of ways, not just by our words. Any conflict between all these messages which are being conveyed simultaneously by different means will make it much more difficult to get your message across successfully. This becomes especially important if [crisis or controversy are involved]." ~KMG definition

I meant what I said about moving forward in 2010... I am literally and figuratively leaving the past behind me. Speaking positivity and enjoying my present. Congruency between life and this powerful pen of mine.

Private Public Thoughts...

I'm a very private person.

You prolly couldn't tell from all that I share via blogspot and Facebook statuses, but it's true. There's only so much I choose to share with you guys and my near 300 Facebook friends. Some of it is probably TMI... "RBG is constipated"... my blogs dissecting why relationships fail, etc., buuuut, there's still a limit. I keep my personal life very separate. So it's difficult for me when people bring something to me from the Internet of all places, asking me questions about certain situations that other people have put in their blog, or on their Facebook page, or in their Twitter update. Ugh. Social Networking indeed a bitter-sweet tool used by the masses.

Some people use their blogs as their creative outlet, their Facebook pages as their time to yell at their bosses for being idiots, cussin out their baby mama or daddy, men in general, life, tellin their friends how terrible their day is, how great it is etc. But at what point are we taking it too far and putting somebody out there that really just wants to be left alone?

Walking with my Sorors yesterday, one was telling me how her daughter's father had asked her to spend the night. (They aren't together.) I asked her what she was gonna say/do and she said she didn't know because while she wanted to entertain the idea, she didn't want to do it at his house because she didn't want people seeing her show up there after everything they'd seen them go through. "I don't want the shame" she said honestly between giggles.

I saw two long-time friends beef on Facebook. Facebook! Being rude to the other when the other was just expressing her hurt over actions in a anonymous way. It's real and it's deep out here.

What we don't realize is every time someone is in our business, they are judging us... maybe not rudely or out loud, but they are wondering. Putting our partners or spouses or even friends in hard places they can't bounce back from, or even if they could, they probably wouldn't want to. I always make sure to choose one confidant, besides the Almighty, to talk to in times of turmoil. I don't want to tell a LOT of people the score because who knows what might happen in the future. Avoiding that same shame. We all make choices in this life. Sometimes the wrong ones and we have to live with that.

This blog is a ramble, but the moral is: It sucks to be the topic of something you can't control. Almost like gossip. And generally I don't worry about gossip cause the person spreading it often doesn't know the whole story. The reason I would never make it as a memoir writer or have an auto-biography? Cause when people are done, they'll say something like, "well, that was vague as hell!" I like being on ya mind, but not every single detail of me. Like showing up to a seduction asshole naked.. where's the mystery? You don't have to divulge every detail of yourself or your loved ones to build a following, be the most popular negro on Facebook... if sharing/writing for release and clarity and not popularity, there are other ways to achieve it, without stepping on those who helped hold you up. Or the ones you claim to hold so dear to your heart.

I would never put MY ppl out there like that, especially people that I claim(ed) to love... but seems all is fair in love and social networking.

For shame.

(Current) Thought Process... of a Gypsy.

I am rethinking a lot of things and purging a lot of stress and aggravation...
I have come across a great many revelations in the past several months since freedom...
I am ready for the rebirth of Sanni...
I have been holding back from myself... I have been scared.
I can't choose the way people act, live, love, treat me, respond, but I can choose how I RE-act.
I am battling the pros and cons...
I am sad at the mental state of others...
I am secure in myself.
I love hard... so it means something when I don't.
I re-need clarity. I am ))centering(( of self.
But can no longer be self... centered.
I meditate for peace...
I sit in the bask of The Sun for peace...
I am regaining spirituality where it counts...
I am a p u
z
z le...
I have all the pieces, but am still putting it together...
I have 9 months to figure it out...
That is when the childishness and fun of 20s can't be used as an excuse anymore...
I am making a way out of none.
I am not going to worry about toma...
I am going to start treating others how I would want to be treated...
... respected. Whether it hurts me or not...
I am righting wrongs... Whether it hurts you or not.
Taking responsibility for my actions...
Taking a time out...
No more flags on the play...
I am thinking...
I've been a good person, but there is always room for improvement.
"I was born under a wandering star"... Gypsy free. Gypsy me.

© 2009 CZS / RBG



image source: mary croppins... "gypsy" border

Observations...

A few things I've observed over the last couple days....

Spring Snow Storm

So, I looked out my window this morning to this.... Mother Nature... stop playin! April is in 3 days!

My excellent cheese omelet breakfast:
In honor of the snow, I made a real breakfast for the first time in like two weeks. Cheese omelet, hashbrowns wid onion and turkey sausage... yumtastic.



Cowardly Behavior
People who read my blog daily and vandalize it then run and hide by closing their blog to public eye are funny!

A Woman's Want for Family...

"I snoop(ed) because I needed to verify, not find..." ~ self

There is little that can fuck with a woman's intuition.

I've never been one to snoop. I've done it in two situations in my life antes (before in Spanish)... and I hated having to BUT it was a necessary evil. Because both times I found information necessary to make my next move. Information I would have never been privy to, even though it was my right to know.

I think what hurt the most is that my intuition was always right. Like, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that a relationship changed. Men notice when their woman, who used to bed butt naked comes to bed in a night shirt, and leggings.. when she's not bleeding. Women notice when he comes to bed much after her when he once followed her in to make sure she slept well.

I noticed when he started sleeping on the couch. I was pregnant then. I thought it then, maybe it was because I was snoring... large baby living in your womb will start that unfortunate habit. Then I thought it was because the TV was in the other room. Making every excuse but realizing something changed.

"Some women will put up with anything, just to say they have a husband..." ~ Madea

I always thought this was a powerful quote. For nearly three years I held on to a man who I wanted to marry even though throughout those three years he showed me so many things a husband isn't supposed to do. I realize I expect a lot from the people I date way before I am prepared to give those things in return. I accept, try to make amends and change this fault... however, there are three things when I am in a TRUE couple I will always give from jump: my undivided loyalty, my trust and my respect. Because I want those things off the bat as well.

The point I am tryin to make is, I closed my eyes for a long time... because my want to be a family with the man with whom I conceived a child with overpowered my good sense. A man who plans to make you his Queen does not speak inappropriately to women of his past. He will actually, if he is truly serious, cut all ties with anyone/thing he thinks might hinder that growth. To that same effect, he will not make new friends who will hinder the growth either. He does not put any woman's needs, his mama's even, over yours... well this is really more AFTA you are Queen, but perfect practice makes perfect. He will do whatever is necessary within reason to make sure his home is stable, secure, the Queen is happy and they will have communication abound... trust, love, passion and energy for the other.

It took me months of soul searching to really accept that my relationship did not have the core components for marriage survival... and my ex-mate was not open to counseling or religion as helpful resources to fix things and did not offer other alternatives or solutions on how to save us... instead just pretend nothing was happening... so a woman must... DO.

And THAT'S how she determines she's really ready for a family... when she accepts the fact that it may come in a different package than she originally imagined.

The strength of a woman is unmatched, unparalleled... indescribable. Ladies, keep making the right choices... your King will find you.