This LIFE....is what you make it.

RBG Note: This is a blog originally started on March 21... and never finished or posted. It infuses stories from about 3 other unfinished pieces since then (see ya'll, I am often compelled to write, I just don't finish most of the time).

As I sat down at my uncle's 60th birthday celebration, Future by my side I smiled and began to think THIS is the year my life begins to change. For the better. I felt it then. I feel it today. Every day I'm smiling (with the exception of these last couple depressed weeks). I don't take the non-serious things as serious. I am finding fulfillment in everything around me and if there IS none, I'm deading the situation and placing myself in a better one. I am claiming the happiness I want and taking it for myself. Speaking up for it, fighting for it if I must. Showing the problems, the Devil, my adversity who's boss. I finally feel GROWN.

Don't get me wrong, I have always been full grown, but now that I understand how to BE grown, it's like the newest level of grown there is. And I adore it. While going to drop off my truck in the body shop a couple weeks back an old familiar tune played through my speakers. Oh how I miss Dave Hollister. His lil deep hood tunes that I couldn't really connect with so much then, I feel to my core now. I understand what he was singing about...

"Seeing you reminds me of, all the nights I useta beat it up...I would do it again, but I can't. See everything is different now, I done finally settled down.. I became a one-woman man." ~D. Hollister

There comes a time in every relationship where the people who comprise it want to do right and be right within that relationship........... right? I realize we have different experiences with every person... well I have finally accepted that now... after a conversation with my dear friend and Frat brother. We were talking about exes and I asked did he think it would be DIFFICULT to let go of an ex you had such an extensive of a history when you have such a positive future in your presence.

“That is what makes it difficult to completely release people you truly have loved because there is a small list of things that only that person can really do well for you no matter what anyone else does. And nobody on earth will ever understand it except you and that person…” ~Blue

I have spent my adult dating life trying to be everything for the man I'm with... and I realized today that's not gonna happen. I must accept that my Future is going to have memories of past... as am I... especially if there's a child involved but more so when you were in love.... like really in love... it may be harder to let go than we like to put on or admit. But I'm glad to be at D. Hollister status.... where a person can remind us of good times but we remember what we have at home... and how we want to build on that before we text back, flirt back, call or fuck.. when do we get to THAT level? What we gotta do to STAY there?

Cause um grown... I ain't letting NOBODY mess this life up. You either in it to win it or you gotta get gone too... by any means necessary...

"ANYBODY can get it... in.this.bitch!" LOL (Reference: I Wanna Work for Diddy)

*walks off singing* My life, my life, my life my life... in the sunshine!

#notsorandom

(Current) Thought Process... of a Gypsy.

I am rethinking a lot of things and purging a lot of stress and aggravation...
I have come across a great many revelations in the past several months since freedom...
I am ready for the rebirth of Sanni...
I have been holding back from myself... I have been scared.
I can't choose the way people act, live, love, treat me, respond, but I can choose how I RE-act.
I am battling the pros and cons...
I am sad at the mental state of others...
I am secure in myself.
I love hard... so it means something when I don't.
I re-need clarity. I am ))centering(( of self.
But can no longer be self... centered.
I meditate for peace...
I sit in the bask of The Sun for peace...
I am regaining spirituality where it counts...
I am a p u
z
z le...
I have all the pieces, but am still putting it together...
I have 9 months to figure it out...
That is when the childishness and fun of 20s can't be used as an excuse anymore...
I am making a way out of none.
I am not going to worry about toma...
I am going to start treating others how I would want to be treated...
... respected. Whether it hurts me or not...
I am righting wrongs... Whether it hurts you or not.
Taking responsibility for my actions...
Taking a time out...
No more flags on the play...
I am thinking...
I've been a good person, but there is always room for improvement.
"I was born under a wandering star"... Gypsy free. Gypsy me.

© 2009 CZS / RBG



image source: mary croppins... "gypsy" border

Happy Founder's Day, Dearest & Sincerest

"Allll of my love and peace and happiness... I'm gonna give it to ZETA!"

I truly love my Z-Phi! It was a long and hard road to obtain you, but once I had you, I swore I would never lose you. And I haven't. I will never misplace or displace you because you helped me seal in my security, cement my identity, and give me that extra push to remember that nothing, absolutely nothing, is impossible... unless you give up on it.

I sought you out and knew I could love you in 1999... at a tender 19, I met N. Calhoun in my T/TH literature class. She would walk in so cool... like nothing else mattered. And I would watch her, "girl crushing" all the way to her seat everyday until the day she walked in with those beautiful three letters brazened across her chest. Z Φ B....

Was it coincidence that after studying the history of all four sororal organizations in the Divine 9 that I decided I wanted to pledge Zeta that she walked in with that crispy Blu sweater? Couldn't be. After I had been to each informational and/or after having a discussion with a lady that represented each particular organization well on campus...

Then a cold day of that same semester, my Jah sister called with great news from Virginia... "I just crossed sands... into Zeta Land!".... OK, Jah, I will take heed.

The road is looong, searching for Phi Beta... the road is tough, to Zeta Land.

Filled wid every emotion I can think of ... and drama surely (I mean even a small group of females comes with drama, so what you think an organization of 'em can do?! lol) but through it all, the race was not given to the quick and the strong but the tried and true Soror, who endures to the end.

To my Dean Strictly Business: Thank you for looking me in my eyes and saying: "This will not be easy... you will sweat, you will cry... but when all is said and done... you will thank me and garner respect from every Zeta you meet." I now know, whole heartedly what you meant... you're the greatest Life Member I know... you bleed blue, cry white and exemplify Finer Womanhood in everything you do.

To my AD Paranoia (and eventually my Pers): You saved my line. I know I joke about it with you all the time. But the crossing gift we presented you... a lifesaver is so sincere. You taught us things in set that helped us endure... when we would have failed so miserably when we went in front of the... others. You represent everything conscious and real to me. A real finer woman, who I am thankful to have SO MUCH in common with that we often think the same thoughts. Thanks for teaching us how to make set... less painful lol and being a true friend and sister to me!

To My Sands... we been through some ups and downs, but in the end you are my tail for life... my back... my Sands. And I know if Jah is willing one day we'll be sitting Indian style in my front room again, rehashing old stories, crying over lost time and smiling at what we accomplished five years ago this April, a lifetime ago when we legacy your daughters.

I love each of you... even when we are very far away.

And to all the Sorors I've loved, cried with, disliked before... whether financial, life member, "renegade," getting your money right to reclaim or sick of the administration (Americans didn't leave the country cause they didn't like the president... you have to stick and maintain even in the time of adversity) I love you too much to ever leave your side. To US, today, tomorrow and everyday here after:

HAPPY FOUNDERS DAY! 89 YEARS AND STILL PURRRRRFECT!

It really is because of you...

When I was in undergrad, the Sorority I loved and now am a part of was inactive on campus. There were a few of them there but not anyone I wanted to really hang with... it was their counterpart, the men of Phi Beta Sigma Fraternity, Inc. who kept me engaged in the Blue & White Family. And since then, I have always been grateful to them and loved them for their candor for taking me in as their sister anyway... and believing I would make it one day.

Luckily, in 2004, I found a wonderful chapter who was willing to bring me into the fold and I made it official.

Today, Phi Beta Sigma celebrates 95 years of life... and I recognize them today and everyday, as my brothers, the men who served as my inspiration to keep striving for Zeta, who I love whole-heartedly, with all my soul. So, today, I publicly thank you Phi Beta Sigma and all the members I've ran across and bonded with along the way, and wish you a Happy 95th Founder's Day.

Man, I really love ya'll... D, L, J, R, S, C...ya'll my heart. Thank you for representing Phi Beta so well and loving it so tenderly... and loving your Soror... making me believe till the end in this constitution.

Z-PHI! BLU PHI! SO SWEET! YOU KNOW!