Private Public Thoughts...

I'm a very private person.

You prolly couldn't tell from all that I share via blogspot and Facebook statuses, but it's true. There's only so much I choose to share with you guys and my near 300 Facebook friends. Some of it is probably TMI... "RBG is constipated"... my blogs dissecting why relationships fail, etc., buuuut, there's still a limit. I keep my personal life very separate. So it's difficult for me when people bring something to me from the Internet of all places, asking me questions about certain situations that other people have put in their blog, or on their Facebook page, or in their Twitter update. Ugh. Social Networking indeed a bitter-sweet tool used by the masses.

Some people use their blogs as their creative outlet, their Facebook pages as their time to yell at their bosses for being idiots, cussin out their baby mama or daddy, men in general, life, tellin their friends how terrible their day is, how great it is etc. But at what point are we taking it too far and putting somebody out there that really just wants to be left alone?

Walking with my Sorors yesterday, one was telling me how her daughter's father had asked her to spend the night. (They aren't together.) I asked her what she was gonna say/do and she said she didn't know because while she wanted to entertain the idea, she didn't want to do it at his house because she didn't want people seeing her show up there after everything they'd seen them go through. "I don't want the shame" she said honestly between giggles.

I saw two long-time friends beef on Facebook. Facebook! Being rude to the other when the other was just expressing her hurt over actions in a anonymous way. It's real and it's deep out here.

What we don't realize is every time someone is in our business, they are judging us... maybe not rudely or out loud, but they are wondering. Putting our partners or spouses or even friends in hard places they can't bounce back from, or even if they could, they probably wouldn't want to. I always make sure to choose one confidant, besides the Almighty, to talk to in times of turmoil. I don't want to tell a LOT of people the score because who knows what might happen in the future. Avoiding that same shame. We all make choices in this life. Sometimes the wrong ones and we have to live with that.

This blog is a ramble, but the moral is: It sucks to be the topic of something you can't control. Almost like gossip. And generally I don't worry about gossip cause the person spreading it often doesn't know the whole story. The reason I would never make it as a memoir writer or have an auto-biography? Cause when people are done, they'll say something like, "well, that was vague as hell!" I like being on ya mind, but not every single detail of me. Like showing up to a seduction asshole naked.. where's the mystery? You don't have to divulge every detail of yourself or your loved ones to build a following, be the most popular negro on Facebook... if sharing/writing for release and clarity and not popularity, there are other ways to achieve it, without stepping on those who helped hold you up. Or the ones you claim to hold so dear to your heart.

I would never put MY ppl out there like that, especially people that I claim(ed) to love... but seems all is fair in love and social networking.

For shame.

My Star Player

I did the entire workout this morning after missing my workout yesterday... next week and weeks after, I commit to getting them all in. All five in succession with the plan. I had some Trinidadian food on Saturday meeting my Soror and her mom for a lunch invite ("anything to keep you in the now!") so I admit I ate my leftovers for breakfast... not only because they were delicious but because it gets them out the way. :)

I think my way to approach it today was the best... because I am admittedly out of shape, I did the first 25 minutes to my highest energy level making low-impact modifications where necessary and then took a short 2-3 minute break while drinking lots of water and then finished the last 20 minutes with the same intensity. It worked out. I still have to do the Ab Burner... but that'll be an after lunch deal. I meditated my way into sleep last night at 10 p.m. A long emotionally taxing weekend came to a close to sounds of the Serengeti and I woke up feeling a bit better, safer.

I love meditation. It is my time for a release, a relaxation, a prayer, a moment to regain clarity. It's a lot deeper than people give it credit. It's not a weird cult-like activity either. For me, it's no different than people who have alters in their home and pray to their God of choice. Use the chart below for a very brief visual of the act of meditation.


In other news, I am going to take the week (spring break) to start reading a book on time management... I am usually a pretty good judge of time and can multi-task very well. I am also rather organized but I have found, admittedly, in my mom time it's a little more difficult to completely 100% plan for two people. I need to refresher course and figure out a better plan of action to keep a decent home widout letting time wid my child and living my life fall by the wayside and keeing an extraordinary child widout letting my home fall by the wayside! :)

Since we got snow... again! I am gonna take the day to get a lot accomplished in the house. It's not supposed to warm back up till Wednesday, so thankfully I have a full cupboard/fridge and not many errands to make happen. So I can concentrate on getting home and heart in order, relax some, get some doc and dentist appts in on Wed and Thurs., Memorial, and gear up for Good Friday. I think in honor of 5 years after entering Zeta Land I will celebrate by hitting up some Chicago night life. We'll see which way the wind blows.

I am re-determined. I feel so silly for so many reasons but am using this as a real pause to the madness and getting my ish together for the unltimate good. I have a lot of positive things in my future... and I will no longer be deterred. As Katt would say, "get in tune with your mothef*ckin star player!"

Make this week a great one... you only get one life to live!

Happy Founder's Day, Dearest & Sincerest

"Allll of my love and peace and happiness... I'm gonna give it to ZETA!"

I truly love my Z-Phi! It was a long and hard road to obtain you, but once I had you, I swore I would never lose you. And I haven't. I will never misplace or displace you because you helped me seal in my security, cement my identity, and give me that extra push to remember that nothing, absolutely nothing, is impossible... unless you give up on it.

I sought you out and knew I could love you in 1999... at a tender 19, I met N. Calhoun in my T/TH literature class. She would walk in so cool... like nothing else mattered. And I would watch her, "girl crushing" all the way to her seat everyday until the day she walked in with those beautiful three letters brazened across her chest. Z Φ B....

Was it coincidence that after studying the history of all four sororal organizations in the Divine 9 that I decided I wanted to pledge Zeta that she walked in with that crispy Blu sweater? Couldn't be. After I had been to each informational and/or after having a discussion with a lady that represented each particular organization well on campus...

Then a cold day of that same semester, my Jah sister called with great news from Virginia... "I just crossed sands... into Zeta Land!".... OK, Jah, I will take heed.

The road is looong, searching for Phi Beta... the road is tough, to Zeta Land.

Filled wid every emotion I can think of ... and drama surely (I mean even a small group of females comes with drama, so what you think an organization of 'em can do?! lol) but through it all, the race was not given to the quick and the strong but the tried and true Soror, who endures to the end.

To my Dean Strictly Business: Thank you for looking me in my eyes and saying: "This will not be easy... you will sweat, you will cry... but when all is said and done... you will thank me and garner respect from every Zeta you meet." I now know, whole heartedly what you meant... you're the greatest Life Member I know... you bleed blue, cry white and exemplify Finer Womanhood in everything you do.

To my AD Paranoia (and eventually my Pers): You saved my line. I know I joke about it with you all the time. But the crossing gift we presented you... a lifesaver is so sincere. You taught us things in set that helped us endure... when we would have failed so miserably when we went in front of the... others. You represent everything conscious and real to me. A real finer woman, who I am thankful to have SO MUCH in common with that we often think the same thoughts. Thanks for teaching us how to make set... less painful lol and being a true friend and sister to me!

To My Sands... we been through some ups and downs, but in the end you are my tail for life... my back... my Sands. And I know if Jah is willing one day we'll be sitting Indian style in my front room again, rehashing old stories, crying over lost time and smiling at what we accomplished five years ago this April, a lifetime ago when we legacy your daughters.

I love each of you... even when we are very far away.

And to all the Sorors I've loved, cried with, disliked before... whether financial, life member, "renegade," getting your money right to reclaim or sick of the administration (Americans didn't leave the country cause they didn't like the president... you have to stick and maintain even in the time of adversity) I love you too much to ever leave your side. To US, today, tomorrow and everyday here after:

HAPPY FOUNDERS DAY! 89 YEARS AND STILL PURRRRRFECT!

It really is because of you...

When I was in undergrad, the Sorority I loved and now am a part of was inactive on campus. There were a few of them there but not anyone I wanted to really hang with... it was their counterpart, the men of Phi Beta Sigma Fraternity, Inc. who kept me engaged in the Blue & White Family. And since then, I have always been grateful to them and loved them for their candor for taking me in as their sister anyway... and believing I would make it one day.

Luckily, in 2004, I found a wonderful chapter who was willing to bring me into the fold and I made it official.

Today, Phi Beta Sigma celebrates 95 years of life... and I recognize them today and everyday, as my brothers, the men who served as my inspiration to keep striving for Zeta, who I love whole-heartedly, with all my soul. So, today, I publicly thank you Phi Beta Sigma and all the members I've ran across and bonded with along the way, and wish you a Happy 95th Founder's Day.

Man, I really love ya'll... D, L, J, R, S, C...ya'll my heart. Thank you for representing Phi Beta so well and loving it so tenderly... and loving your Soror... making me believe till the end in this constitution.

Z-PHI! BLU PHI! SO SWEET! YOU KNOW!