Ex-Wives and (Step) Children...

When I was 21 I said I would never date a man with kids because I didn't want to deal with the drama that was their mommas... or disciplining.. or any of that shit. But then again, I also said I would never be in debt or date a white man... so what I'm saying is, things change.

A decade later, I find myself marrying my best friend. He's a beautiful, loving man with a
child..... and I must say it's everything I thought it would be. Like I assumed, it's not like on TV where everyone is not bitter, blended and loving and inclusive. And it's a weird adjustment. And it sucks cause I don't have anyone (with sense) to really ask if THIS should be happening or how I should handle THAT... or am I just bein RBGish and overreacting.

So I try to play each situation by ear. Yeah, well, I'm off beat and outta tune like a mf'er... *sigh*

Ya'll pray for me. LBVFS!

This LIFE....is what you make it.

RBG Note: This is a blog originally started on March 21... and never finished or posted. It infuses stories from about 3 other unfinished pieces since then (see ya'll, I am often compelled to write, I just don't finish most of the time).

As I sat down at my uncle's 60th birthday celebration, Future by my side I smiled and began to think THIS is the year my life begins to change. For the better. I felt it then. I feel it today. Every day I'm smiling (with the exception of these last couple depressed weeks). I don't take the non-serious things as serious. I am finding fulfillment in everything around me and if there IS none, I'm deading the situation and placing myself in a better one. I am claiming the happiness I want and taking it for myself. Speaking up for it, fighting for it if I must. Showing the problems, the Devil, my adversity who's boss. I finally feel GROWN.

Don't get me wrong, I have always been full grown, but now that I understand how to BE grown, it's like the newest level of grown there is. And I adore it. While going to drop off my truck in the body shop a couple weeks back an old familiar tune played through my speakers. Oh how I miss Dave Hollister. His lil deep hood tunes that I couldn't really connect with so much then, I feel to my core now. I understand what he was singing about...

"Seeing you reminds me of, all the nights I useta beat it up...I would do it again, but I can't. See everything is different now, I done finally settled down.. I became a one-woman man." ~D. Hollister

There comes a time in every relationship where the people who comprise it want to do right and be right within that relationship........... right? I realize we have different experiences with every person... well I have finally accepted that now... after a conversation with my dear friend and Frat brother. We were talking about exes and I asked did he think it would be DIFFICULT to let go of an ex you had such an extensive of a history when you have such a positive future in your presence.

“That is what makes it difficult to completely release people you truly have loved because there is a small list of things that only that person can really do well for you no matter what anyone else does. And nobody on earth will ever understand it except you and that person…” ~Blue

I have spent my adult dating life trying to be everything for the man I'm with... and I realized today that's not gonna happen. I must accept that my Future is going to have memories of past... as am I... especially if there's a child involved but more so when you were in love.... like really in love... it may be harder to let go than we like to put on or admit. But I'm glad to be at D. Hollister status.... where a person can remind us of good times but we remember what we have at home... and how we want to build on that before we text back, flirt back, call or fuck.. when do we get to THAT level? What we gotta do to STAY there?

Cause um grown... I ain't letting NOBODY mess this life up. You either in it to win it or you gotta get gone too... by any means necessary...

"ANYBODY can get it... in.this.bitch!" LOL (Reference: I Wanna Work for Diddy)

*walks off singing* My life, my life, my life my life... in the sunshine!

#notsorandom

The Tangled Web

"Oh what a tangled web we weave, When first we practice to deceive!"

~Sir Walter Scott

My homeboy is finally... finally preparing to pop the question to his long-time girlfriend and the mother of his child. And as awesome as that news is, he's got a bit of a problem. His ex-wife and mother of his first child. She is not taking his recent change of heart well... well, because up until he had this change of heart he was still very much doing inappropriate things with her. Not sex. At least not that he's told me about. (And I'm 85% sure he would've shared that) but other things like texting her he wants her "sooo bad" when he and the Mrs. haven't had sex for a few days. Or paying for her hair do/outfit, just because. Or doing family activities with their child and his child by his girl (WITHOUT his girl).... so when he finally decided to change his order... she changed her attitude. All of a sudden, the things he does aren't good enough.... the way he SHOULD have been interacting with her before, that he's NOW finally doing is unacceptable, because she's not used to it... because it's proper. And HE seems confused that she's trippin. lol

You.Know.Gatdamn.Well!

He's told me to my face that he knows things would never work with this girl, so my question to him would be well why on earth do you get her hopes up and do things that make her think you're SO unhappy with your relationship? Let him be irritated with the Mrs. you can definitely catch him texting her that he wished he'd stopped by after work before coming home. Like, do you think that's RIGHT? (It's not.) Why do you let her text you pictures of herself when she knows you're with someone? Not your kid, but her. Now, *I* respond to inappropriate texts/picture mails with silence... nothing makes it clearer. Some people ask their culprit to stop / not do that. But HE replies with "Well, don't you look great" or "Nice!" You can't be sending mixed signals and shit and then wonder why she's mad you're finally concentrating on your family, where your head should have been the whole time. And don't have cheated on her or been a ho when ya'll were together... because she's gonna suspect that you're still a ho, and that your behavior is in your nature. So when you do un-ho / changed man-like things, she's confused.

I write this blog not to scold my boy (really) but just as a message that we DO create our own problems a lot of the time. A frat brother of mine who recently found out he had another son by a new BM, had a similar story to tell. We were discussing how his new BM felt about the way he treated HER (not his new son) but her, and that he had to break it down to her.

"(New BM) says I used to be sweet and patient. I told her I still am...just aint finna talk and deal with whatif's. (That was) part of my gross mistake with (Ex-Girlfriend) and why it took/is taking so long to rectify. (My inability to separate the two) is part of the reason me and (Original BM) couldn't be in the same room with each other for years... You can't serve two masters. You either in or out. Gonna learn from my mistakes..."

Well!

My boy could take a lesson from this. He is CONSTANTLY doing what ifs with his ex wife... constantly. She'll text about, "remember when we got married?" "Remember when you bought my ring?" Of course he remembers! He was there. Entertaining these kinds of conversations and going back down memory lane are never any good for anyone... unless of course you want to be back with someone. Sends the wrong message. And it's important to learn this early... before he gets married (if that's what he really wants to do) so he continues to send a congruent message that he's all about his family and his (future) wife. That doesn't mean his relationship with the ex is over... of course not. They have a kid. But their relationship is supposed to change.

It has to change.

"We parents... ain't gone be nothing more and I ain't finna talk bout us or what happened or any of that. We have set times and communication. Can't move on if we still wondering."

This relates back to one of my posts (if not several).... eventually we're all going to have to pick a path. And do what is necessary to make that path work. You simply cannot, to use my frat brother's words, "serve two masters" because it's gonna come back to bite you. Hard. Where are you going to lay your head? Where are you going to exhaust your energy and time? Let that be one place. Send a congruent message to your ex. EX-communicate the bullshit. Because it does nothing but create bigger problems when you've had your epiphany. Don't let the past stifle a future.

Keep growing, my friends! The life that awaits is fantastic! Trust me... we full grown!

Congratulations... ?

yet another ex, jumped the broom.... to someone who's nothing like me.

At some point, I guess I'm going to have to come to terms with some reality:

that....

hmmm, what IS the reality???

TO BE CONTINUED.... *sigh*

2009 Rewind...

2009, for me, was all about Love.
I can sum it up in just that one little powerful word.

I started a To Be Continued post on The Black Family a while black... and how it was dying. Dead. Kaput. This is my rewind of that.

While I DO still feel the Black Family has a loooong way to go, I no longer feel it's a lost cause... I think. I spoke to a friend of mine, a Married of several years, like 7 who is contemplating leaving the Sacred Union because there is little that can be done to restore it back to it's original goodness. With three little ones, a nice home, two cars, head of household at stake, it's difficult for many to see how someone could walk away. I feel bad for that friend, cause I know that Friend has been trying the hardest to keep things afloat in that marriage. It makes me wonder... not only about the Black Family but about this concept of forever..

"I want this shit forever mayne." ~ Drake

Forever is such a long time... and it often worries me. I mean, I think about a couple like my parents who suffered and survived every kind of problem a marriage could from alcoholism, anger management, heart attacks, infidelity to death, and still managed to look at each other lovingly after 27 years... and pray that at least the "lovingly" is in my future. I don't know that I have the patience or staying power to deal with a few of those things... but marriage says for "better or worse," "in sickness and in health"... clearly many people don't take this charge (hence why we have a something like 58% divorce rate?). I know each year of any relationship (married or otherwise) is going to come with ups and downs... at what point do we stop wanting the "forever" we signed up for?

In my present relationship, everyday is a lesson. Everyday is a glimpse into the future. And I am enjoying each day more and more, even the trying ones to get to that forever possibility. I've read of people marrying someone "no matter what was going on at the time" they proposed. Meaning, things were clearly wrong, and probably destined to fail but people still entered into something so serious. Why do we do that, exactly? When we know something is wrong, or won't work yet we enter into it anyway? For... ever? Is it because we take the concept and idea of marriage so lightly the thought of "well, if it don't work, I'll just get a divorce?"

I mean, I know I am a never married individual speaking on this subject but that's how we unmarried individuals either stay unmarried or only marry — and stay married — once. Hopefully the latter for me. I know I talk a lot of shit, but there should be NO contesting I'd make an awesome wife... *pauses to see who dare disagree*.......
......
...........
............

*ahem* so I say all that to say this:

Black Family, we can be so much more than Dads visiting their children every other weekend, baby mama drama, and constant drama and bullshit. (I do realize white families go through a lot of the same, but that doesn't affect me.) I just keep looking at that Ebony cover of the Obama's... you think Barack and Michelle don't have issues or haven't had any in all their years? OK, maybe they're as perfect as they look, lol, but the point is, I am sure they have days where Michelle/Barack is like, "OK, please get away from me" but both realize the importance of the other in her/his life.

Sooo with all this introspective thinking.... I came up with one solid solution for hope: we can save our families starting with taking more responsibility for our own actions.

MEN...

Leave your pasts behind... you guys are so caught up on hurting someones feelings, or just not over someone, holding on to someone who you can't be with or don't want to be with, stirring feelings just cause you got too much time on your hands, or WHATEVER the fock you're doing does NOT help. I mean, seriously, if you don't listen to anything I've EVER said, listen to me NOW when I say, pick a path (read: woman) and stick with her. Give her your ALL.. and see how that goes for you... video chatting, sex texts, inappropriate pic mails with your exes, baby mamas, jumpoffs and the like just keep us in the struggle... COMMIT.

WOMEN....

You can't become a different person once you have the ring or a few months in. Rationing the precious, not cooking, not keeping yourself tight around the waist and what not (trust me I'm guilty of all.. OK, not the first one, but maybe the second from time to time and definitely the last BUT my eyes are open now...I'm on it lol). You have to do the SAME things you did to get him to keep him... it's a poorly used reason from men when they cheat, but when you think about it, it's true. We often transform ourselves during the dating process, or so I hear, cause we are looking for marriage... I implore you: STOP it! To know you... is to love you! He should get to know you. If he loves that person in the present... he'll love her in the future.

MEN...

You can't be sitting around the house not doing NOTHIN.. clean up, take the garbage out, wash a dish, help with the kids! Motherhood and taking care of a home is TIRING... it's helpful to your home and relationship to lend a helping hand. And not just every once in a while, but on a REGULAR basis.

WO(MAN)...

Be prepared to work together... pray together, put God first, cause it takes HARD GOTDAMN WORK to get to forever. And listen to your mate... sometimes — hell often times — they are putting you on notice without causing a fuss. Found something troubling, but leave subtle hints to avoid drama but let you know to shape up or ship the hell out...

Let's NOT enter into anymore future forevers without understanding the work and commitment there needs to be on our OWN part to salvage it and make it its best. Stop always pointing a finger and fix yourself first. You know what wrong you doing before it's even pointed out. Unless you're one of those people who just sucks... come on people... I could cry writing this blog post. I know the Black Family could be SO much more, if we just give ourselves some credit for our own shit... the good, the bad and the ugly...

Ya'll kno who it is....

Flash Forward

"This shit was all I knew, you and me only... I did it all for you, still you were lonely... we coulda worked it out... I'm gone need you to say something baby.." ~Drake

At some point, we'll all have to choose a road to take... a road to happiness. We can't ever truly travel that road to the best of our ability if we're steady looking back or wondering about the road we never took. My Soror called me this morning and spent a great deal of my start discussing her relationship with her man who she's been loving for a long time... and recently found out he was still buying things for his ex. Not for the child they got together, but for her. Like, for her birthday he got her an outfit and her hair done... and some random gifts here and there. And wanted my take on the situation... as if *I* know what the hell I'm talking about.

Despite my personal feelings about the example given... I think we all basically need to get real!

Why do we make forever so hard??? If you're happy where you are, why do you create so much conflict outside of that? Use that energy, that MONEY and invest in your current situation.

"I ran across something the other day that made me blink, made me think that this forever type shit you been sellin me, is nothing but a fantasy cause you can't recognize the real... from the fake... holding on to a toxic past... one that ruined you, and is trying to ruin us."~Sanni Blue

My answer to her, to him, was simple: Let the past GO... finally... and embrace your beautiful FUTURE!

It really doesn't have to be so difficult... sheesh! How the heck do we get to forever with such tom foolery!?

I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Tale of My Two Cities...

Well, 2009 is a done deal. Full of it's ups and downs. Triumphs and down-right disasters of situations. But alas, here she is.

"I'm trying to have all truths and revelations REVEALED in 2010. So let's talk about it." ~CP
So, I am a bit delayed getting out my real 2009 introspection because the first two days of the New Year were spent relaxing, recovering and laughing. BUT ya'll know I couldn't NOT send one out. 2009 was an emotional roller coaster of a time for me but I still managed to come out on top. Tis the story of RBG... she survives.

My year in review held a lot of tears at the beginning and sprinkled in here and there. In February, I tried to move on from life as I knew it, even though an extremely painful transition, my alter ego wouldn't let me realize I was dealin with (or refusing to deal with) some serious shit. Even the sweetest distraction couldn't keep me from knowing that something was wrong because it also was filled with issues of a different kind. So the joy I thought was coming in the morning, never came. Or appeared falsely, depending how you interpret.

I've recently had the pleasure of enjoying meaningful conversations with CP. We've had the fortunate pleasure to make someone so special and we're trying to collectively make this the best family ever by strengthening our friendship and getting closer... So, when he said something along the lines of "all truths revealed" it made me think about an awful lot... I kept so many truths to myself in 2009 but toward the middle/later part of the year, I really started to hone in on what's important. What's necessary, what's not blah blah blah.

So let's reveal some truths... about self.

Once a boyfriend physically wrote (not typed or emailed) to me, "how can you expect so much from me, and give me so little in return?" I realize now, that this still holds true to me nearing 9 years later. He eventually left me and married another... also something (not) foreign to me... who he continues to be (somewhat) happily married to today. These kinds of questions and inquisitions can really make one wonder. When you think you're the greatest girlfriend, and people are affected, tremendously, by the negative things you do, it says something... sometimes. I may not always be the most giving of... things, but what I HAVE always given is unconditional love. I've loved several different men, who all in some shape or form hurt me. But I loved them anyway. OK, so sometimes I'm emotionally distant... and a little stubborn... and maaaybe a little selfish when it comes to SOME of my things I've worked hard for... sometimes...maybe. But I do a lot of good too.

BUT, I hear what he's saying.

Forever is a long time... and to be happily married (or in any kind of relationship or friendship) there needs to be a lot of FOCUS... GIVE and TAKE... COMMUNICATION... PASSION... WORK... AND MORE FOCUS. With that being said, in order to PREPARE myself for the solid effort of being successful in a marriage (assuming King finally finds Queen, of course) I need to pack up and leave this city... and move on to my next. The first city, the one in which I have been living, is the one in which I am leaving. The second city is the one I'm moving too...

My Beloved Mother came over to my home on New Year's Eve to help me prepare for our NYE Celebration. She's truly an extraordinary woman... she drives me crazy sometimes, but I wouldn't trade her for the world. She told me while washing my dishes (while we reminisced about my Daddy since his anniversary is approaching and singing Blues songs) of how she cried and cried when she turned 30... and my Daddy told her in only the way he can, to stop that crying because unless she wanted to DIE the only option is to get older and learn from life before it.

And then she told me: "But once I stopped crying, and faced the beauty of it, that's when life really got better for me. Things were really great."

It made me smile... I could only hope the same for me.

My first city, was occasionally filled with darkness and only glimpses of hope sprinkled throughout. I didn't capitalize on those glimpses, instead... I focused too much on the darkness, let that consume me until I was nothing that I recognized....

But oh, my second city, is my spring of hope. I have the tools to be more successful (in LIFE and LOVE) I just often don't use them. I have hope where I didn't before... I started realizing this in the last months of my lease in my 20s... I started to hone in on the positive and laugh at the adversity... cry less... figure out tactful exit strategies from heartbreak. I smile more now... I live... in the now. I express my feelings better and without trying... no superlatives or games...just me. I am a better woman than I once was... in my 30s, I will embrace her. I will learn from the woman who resided here before me. No more pressure of unknown things, only capitalizing on what I DO know... that I am a gifted entrepreneur, a forever blooming flower and a work in progress... progressing.

When King finally notices, his Queen will be ready... ready to build, ready to strive, ready to live, laugh and love. It will still take two, but I'm ready to do my part... 2010.... RBG is ready for you... bring it all to me, cause I know how to embrace me now, so embracing you will be as natural as whole grains...

Happy New Year, people... Let's show 20-10 what we can do...

~*RBG*~

"And I'm Still Alive!"

Just when I think we're taking two steps forward....you push us four steps back...

This has been my week of introspective conversations. I've had a 90-minute commute of a conversation with my brother (a married father of two) about relationships. And I stayed up till 3 a.m. going back down memory lane and having a heartfelt interpretation of our relationship history with CP.

I hate talking to BOTH of those guys cause they might be the only two people of the male persuasion who know me best. Always dissecting me, realizes the root of my question, issue, trouble... or we just kick a lot of science together.

The topic of the first conversation: does forever-type monogamy really exist?
The topic of the second conversation: does forever-type monogamy really exist... here

I found myself pondering this one morning after touching base with an old ex... a chocolate, funny, endearing brother with whom I once shared a magical time with. He lives in another space and time now... we both do. While he is practically perfect... tall, chocolate, muscular, handsome and sexy, branded with the right letter, beautiful smile, educated, well-off... he's never been a very committed man to his lady loves... including me. Though neither of us were ever exclusive with the other, but still... in the years I've known him, he's always been a, "I'll commit when I'm married kinda guy." Which would be fine, if his girlfriend at any given time knew he shared that philosophy.

I thought CP, who emotionally cheated on me SO much, that I now think perhaps it's OK to receive/send a flirty text at 2 a.m. or masturbate to a naughty picture of *insert what turns YOU on about an ex here*... I mean, so long as we don't physically touch, what's the problem, kinda logic... eeeeven though, I totally know what the problem with that is... my logic is now skewed. Cause I've been on the recipient end of inappropriate texts and emails from my exes and have seen the former women in his life send some of the naughtiest things... emotional masturbation ... and I wondered.... is there something to this "cheating" thing? Does that connection, even emotional, with someone keep you sane when shit in your relationship just gets too much to bear? (What about when you're emotionally cheating when your relationship is pretty damn GREAT... what would that mean??? What kind of person does that MAKE... you??) Is there a cut off? Can we just connect with someone on an emotional or spiritual level and never sleep with them or get caught up in the moment? IS that possible of humans? I would like to think that even our self-control can only keep us in line for so long if we keep putting ourselves in a situation we would fail at.

Case in point: if I were a taken woman, spending time, even trading textual winks and the occasional conversation or picture mail, with Chocolate Ex would be problematic, because his smile makes me want to kiss him, his humor makes me want to laugh with him and his uh, memory makes me want to sit atop him, so I do best staying very fah away. And I do... but where relationships fail is that each person doesn't feel that way. He still chats...you still chat...planned outings with people...it's all just an unnecessary mess.

This is all to say, that this is my 2009 Year-in-Review... this joint is practically ovah. I'm in a totally different place than I was in January. Emotionally, financially, physically... totally. And I am totally, totally OK with that. I just don't give a fuck no more. I am never sure what the future holds and I often get scared shitless of it. When you get old, you die. But for now, I'm still alive... I've always envied people who can live without regret, but TRULY live up to their actions and enjoy every minute of it... why shouldn't we each be one of those people... so long as we're not putting ourselves in jeopardy (unless you like that sort of thing)

But now, by the Grace of God, through all the emotional bullshit, heartbreak and just plain, "why the fock would you DO that, dude?" I.am.still.ticking... so because of that... I am going to LIVE

...for as long as I can, man.

I miss Janet.

But I loooove YouTube...

Impromptu Interview 2 today went amazingly well... numba 3 toma.

There will be some sanity soon... yes? :)

The rain is Lucifer himself. That is all. Makes ya wanna....

You Just Do You...

"I'ma do me!"

I'm tired blog world.

Life and times of RBG have been one for the record books in 2009.

Ups and downs, twists and turns, smiles and hollers and tears from the wind... just like a roller coaster.

An emotional roller coaster... man, I loved that song. It's a shame I can't listen to it now because I have bad memories of it. I'm kicking ass in the gym... which is nice, but I stay draggin. My house hasn't been RBG clean in months and people I love(d) keep contradicting themselves... it's all too much. I don't have the concentration to focus on studying for my certs... I don't have the desire to look for a (better) gig because I'm starting to doubt myself as a professional... starting to worry that I really don't work well for others.. can't keep my mouth shut.. always wanting to speak my mind... thinkin I kno what's best... OK, I usually do, but still.... *SIGH*

I'm tired. Starting to doubt the sanctity of marriage or hell monogamous relationships for that matter. Starting to wonder if I can do either or will ever be able to without wanting to slap the dog shit out of my partner. If I'll have any more children. Wondering if toddlers are really evil little adorable beings sent from the Planet Twubble. Just thinkin and wondering way too much, really. I am certain it has a lot to do with me turning 30 in January. Even though 30 is still young and I'm fairly vibrant, it's still associated with getting older... I... am getting... older... word??? And with old age comes death... and I don't want to die.... you know, like ... ever. lol

I always look at people sideways when they're like, "I ain't afraid to die!" or "I'm ready to meet Jesus." Ummmm well let me be the first real b*tch to say, I AM afraid; and I am sure he's very nice but I don't want to meet him anytime soon. Also something I wonder/worry about... so many religions to choose from... none that 100% satisfy me... it's annoying. I know I am capable of living right, doing right, being right but when will I be ready. Which on is right? If I choose this one and I get "there" and it's not the right choice then what?! I'm screwed. I was takin my aggression on on the treadmill (well still am) and several other endorphin-building activities, but then I hurt my knee which slowed me down some.

Speaking of running... I kinda wanna run away some days. Did I already say I could use need a vacation?

With all that said, things are on the up and up.. lol And just like that, getting all that off my chest, I'm exhausted now. Yet, I can't go to sleep... *looks over at crazy toddler* is this justice?

The Relationship Queen...

I must say that after processing all the emotion that has come with the last seven months, it's rather relieving to not be worried about the stress and problems of relationships.. my splits never really last long. My frat brother always jokes "So what's goin on? I kno you don't stay on the market long!" But hell, it's not as flattering a compliment if all men want to do is just DATE you. haha! But whatevs... so I had really, literally, been in a relationship since I was a teenager, engaged at 15 even!

The only and first intentional break was in 2004 right after breaking up with PPC... I needed to really re-assess myself. And it was fun and I enjoyed it. Sex with no strings attached, several dates a week, intellectual conversations with versatile minds... I had a ball.

So the breather has been nice... but I've found at my wiser age.. I don't have time to sleep with someone no strings attached... so I'm not gonna. And it really isn't my style anyway... plus I always only have one partner at a time, so that kinda takes the excitement out of the concept.

I learned exactly who I was in my time away and saw so many traits of myself that I wanted and needed to work on. And am proud to say I am working on them... we're all works in progress aftaall but it's important to work on self before throwin all that onto someone else's plate...

I am enjoying, finally finally, enjoying coming full center with my emotions. No anger. No sadness. No jealousy. No insecurity... just lil ol me, happy, vibrant, confident, not snippy nor attitudinal... talkin through things versus yelling, screaming, crying, giving up... yes...

Sometimes I remember the disappointment. I mean, several things didn't turn out the way I expected, thought or would have ever imagined they would... and I am sure He has more surprises in store... but I am trusting in Him... and gwan with the flow. I no longer need to jump in and out of relationships... on and off the market... gonna make it do what it do and be what it must... yoouuuu diiiig.

Past and Present... Tense.

First, hello to my new followers... I hope you find something of interest here. :)

Secondly, allow me to apologize for my absence on this space. I have been more active on my business blog than this one and for that, I am sorry. I needed a breather from the madness that was trying to take over... here. Life has been swell. So much has happened so allow me to synop, sis.

"We were together... living as one. Until something happened... One day our love was gone. Always seems to be, something in the past. That won't let us last...."
~ One Way ft. Al Hudson

I love this song... it is so fitting for this post.

Yesterday is the past... We always use the past as some sort of evil conduit to remind us why we left someone... and the question now is, why dwell on it. Why not get over it and move "past" the past? Isn't it worth it to live for today? About a month ago, I read some disturbing, yet familiar, information. I found out that my exH.I.T. had met up with an ex who he had described to me as nothing short of Satan. They sat in the park, smiling and reminiscing about the good times while they sought clarity on their relationship and made nice. And he said they would always be friends. Then in a retraction after my questions of confusion, told me that indeed they were not friends and it was a mistake to call her etc. etc. I know he's going through a lot emotionally, so this is not a post to bash him, or examine credibility or trust or whatever, but instead to discuss how it spawned me to search for my own clarity.

I really had to evaluate everything that got me to where I was at that moment... I thought of how my sun was that day on the porch, and I called back my co-parent to finish a tabled discussion on ... friendship, love, life and the pursuit of a happy family. We laughed, we didn't cry, we were honest and forthcoming. He sat on my couch and we were comfortable. It made me wonder if a couple of people who were so detrimental and evil to each other could come to center to talk and be friends after slight violence, rudeness, infidelity, lies, utmost disloyalty, and utter hurt and disappointment could meet in the park and be friends, surely my friend/relationship of 23 years that only failed due to exhaustion, stubbornness and loneliness could be salvaged in some shape or form.

Tomorrow is the future... who knows what will become of the relationships, marriages we enter into. I was discussing all the possibilities with my homegirl LovelyLox and I said to her, that I really wish I knew sometimes how it all will play out. She answered with about the most insightful answer I could ask for, "however you want it to." She's right. The truth of the matter is, just about everything can be worked out between two people who have about 85% of their shit together if those two are forgiving partners, are two people willing to work at it, and two people who know they aren't perfect. The problem lies when we get tired.... do we still want to fight for what it is we know is right. What we want. Nervousness and fear... they will try to stifle us... haters, people who want to wish us harm will try to ruin us... the devil will be busy. He/she always got something to do

But maybe exHit had the right idea... return to the source. See what lies there... perhaps you will find the friend who will be there forever. no...matter... what...

He once (well always really) told me that any man who didn't fight for me was a fool... he was right.


But today is a gift. That's why we call it, the present... my sun recently celebrated commencing his second year on this earth. It makes me, overjoyed to know that I have been able to bask in his presence for two years. He amazes me daily, loves me wholeheartedly and unconditionally, and likewise I would do anything for him. He has shown me, single-handedly what "real love" is. I thank God for him. For his birthday, we kept it very low-key. No party, no cake, no candles... just us. We went to the zoo, we went clothes shopping, we went toys shopping, he played with his cousins, his sister, we ordered in food, he took pictures... he had a very full enjoyable weekend. So much that on his birthday (Monday) he was in bed by 8 p.m. and slept all night. Wore out... but enjoyed every minute. And so did we. It was awesome... Toddlerville is an interesting venture in itself. My little baby is now a child, who is growing so rapidly. It seems like just yesterday I was brewing him in my womb.... and now here he is a big boy, talkin back to me and gettin into all kindsa trouble from jumpin off pillows to the hardwood almost crackin teeth to peeing on the floor DESPITE knowing where "the pot" is and that he is supposed to use it... aye, potty training could be a post all its own. But in all his toddlerness, he fills our lives with so much joy.... and that alone is worth celebrating.

My family may not be perfect... but it is mine. And it will be fine. Because I choose to put myself out there.. I've, as I always advise my friends, loved ones, exHit to do... taken time to get myself together... feel like myself again... examine my faults, strengths and weaknesses... and I'm ready to move forward, lay it all on the line and put the past where it should be.... behind me. Behind us. Tucked away never to be spoken of again...

"Don't bring it up, don't bring it up... don't keep bringing up the past."

"Groundhog Day"

Am I experiencing my own personal "Groundhog Day?"

You've seen the movie, yes? Where Bill Murray relives the same day over and over and over again because there's something he's not seeing, saying, doing right? Then the day he gets it all figured out, he can move on to the next day that is his life?

I feel like that sometimes. OK, most of the time.

"A Job Ain't Nothing But Work"
In my professional career, I keep running into the same misunderstood scenario. I'm a Capricorn, so by nature, I am a perfectionist and hard worker. I am also my daddy's child, so by gene, I have this "fuck off" switch that auto triggers when my expertise, education, love, good sense are being tested.

I've run into my fair share of bosses. I was able to really learn something from a couple, but in general, it's been disappointment after disappointment with different contracts since I arrived to the Windy City. Back in 2007, I was released from a "really good corporate position" (oxymoron I know) before my 90 days because of reasons still unknown to me. It was then I thought that maybe it was female bosses and me that didn't really work out. I was emotional and newly pregnant then though... so I attributed a lot of whatever the misunderstanding was to that.

Just when I thought I was back in the saddle for real-life work experience again, at the beginning of 2008 finding a job at a fairly established non-profit organization; nine months later I was released from that supposedly due to the recession but a burning in my soul tells me it was because of managerial differences in approach more than anything.

I held my first job out of college for near four years before arriving here to a slew of positions. Some teaching a goo gob and other's a real waste of time, but a way to pay the bills. Now, with MORE bills, I am faced with the difficult question: Is it me?

"Still Hurts... Still Hurts. When it comes to love. I got a lot to learn."

I love Macy Gray... only she can bawl out the most sentimental words that shake me with that unmistakable raspy alto. In love, I haven't been very successful. So much in fact, I keep repeating the same mistake relationship after relationship.

I am a control freak. I want things how I want them on my own terms and how I expect them. I cringe when my overnight guests push the toothpaste from the top of the tube. I want to know all your business. I think there should be rules and regulations foreverything. At least I did... In the past six months, I've learned and embraced to fucking let go of the reigns. Be a bit more care-free in my approach. Not only is it less taxing on my emotional state, but I mean, is it really that.serious? I think that's a large part of the reason (one of my) current boss(es) hates my guts. "What's the big deal??" In hindsight... my most recent dynamic was who I have been to dynamics before it. Possessive, too rules oriented, too much pressure, just couldn't enjoy the good things/times/moments, dealing with insecurities, waiting on it to fail vs. fueling it to survive. In that, I saw what I had been to my Co-Parent. (Not saying he was a saint or didn't do anything wrong) but I lived first hand what that can do to something that was once so beautiful. Tire someone. Drain someone. Ruin "perfection."

I know I always joke about being a gypsy... use that as a way to describe myself. I don't retract that today... but I almost wish I were more gypsy... wish my parents named me "Meadow" and I didn't care about a thing but being happy and rocking out... rolling a fatty and living life without a care in the world. Of course, I cannot do that. But for the last six months, it's been excellent to take pieces of her where appropriate and just be... calm. I don't know what my next dynamic (read: relationship) will hold. But I know what it won't. It's been therapeutic to move forward past my own shit....

They say imitation is the truest form of flattery
Seeing my words and style, ways I do things and mannerisms scattered around the net is unnerving... it's nice to know I made an impact on a person(s) but man, I know I ain't trademarked jack but it would be nice to have a little accreditation for things blatantly stolen from me... it's like reliving my own shit all over again...

It wasn't as easy done as said, but I have changed my mindset... my needs and wants have changed. It's nice not to worry. Not to sit around angry or unhappy or sad about someone else's issues. So even though I AM looking forward to the future...

I am more anxious to WAKE.UP tomorrow and not relive the same damn things. Over and over again... forward!

Very funny, Jah.

a series of "funny" events written undoubtedly a tad confusing like the mind that composes it just try to follow along best you can.

SO, nobody can ever tell me again that G*d doesn't exist. Not only do we pretty much witness Him in everything we experience: our morning rise, the birds and flowers and sun that greets us, but we also see Him in everything we do. When we follow Him, live as He has set forth for us, I truly believe He blesses us beyond measure. A longtime-online friend of mine and I recently got back in touch. I am blessed to "know" several sistren thanks to the beauty of the World Wide Web. We initially met on a site that was helping us learn how to love and care for our tresses as Jehovah intended. And we would "run into" each other in various forums on health and wellness (did you workout today?, Weight Watchers and the like), parenting (trying to conceive, new moms etc.) It truly was a pleasing experience. Mrs. Delight (that's what we'll call her) was truly someone I envied. Not in the jealous, green-eyed monster kinda way, but this sista was just... awesome. She was a newlywed who'd just conceived her first child as a product of a procedure for someone who was having difficulty getting pregnant. She was just always a blessing to talk to. She and her husband had Jah first in their lives. And it was evident she was blessed just from how she spoke on the forums and blessed those around her.

It's no secret that I have always figured myself more spiritual than religious. In fact, even now after finally deciding on a religion, I still find myself still more spiritual than anything. I am not, nor will ever be one that condemns someone else for the God they serve, or if they don't believe in a God at all. Different strokes for different folks and when it's all said and done even though a majority (if not all) of religions believe that there is only one "correct" God, I think we're all secretly hoping that our God (by whichever name) has the winning hand... but I digress. Another blog for another day. Any who, this sista was definitely RELIGIOUS but not in that annoying way where she would hound you to do anything, pray for you off rip or anything weird like that. You just SAW it... in her spirit. And I loved how she presented herself, loved when she shared pics of her daughter and hubby, loved when she told stories of her weight loss, loved when she told stories of their first home. She just never appeared to be sad ... ever. Not saying that she was never sad or had problems, but if she did, she knew how to deal wid it sooo well. And I guess you could say, I looked up to her and admired her. So much to the point where I sorta, kinda a lil bit stalked her very old Fotki album as a way to find her. Sent her a message and now we're Facebook friends. lol We'd both sporadically been on the other outlets we'd stayed in touch via and now can stick close for as long as Facebook remains free and crack-like. I was happy to find that she and her hubby and their now TWO children were happy and still blessed. I just adore her. And I appreciate her for doing it right! I need those kinda presences in my life. Not that my friends suck or anything, but there's a reason I missed her yanno? And she still puts God first. There's gotta be something there, man. We can make any situation "work" and happy for those of us in it... if we follow the guidelines set out before us.

Don't Listen to What Ya Friends Say
SO, every time I type a blog I Google summa my thoughts and/or the title and see what imagery I can find that will correspond wid it. The above underline statement was gwan be a blog post in it's own, but then all these "funny" things started happening, and I decided to make just one long blog because they are all Jah-centered. (Me and my tangents... yikes!) This search, I typed in my title and a song by Fantasia came up. I like Fantasia, but I haven't really bought an album or dug her teaser song (the song they put on the radio to get you interested in buying the album) since the first one. So I have been out the loop, but she has a song called, "Bump What Ya Friends Say." Interestingly enough, what I was going to talk about that day. So I googled the lyrics and ultimately got the song and of course it's sung beautifully (how could it not be, her voice is amazing but whatevs). A nice little ballad about following your heart and don't listen to your friends/family.

So you gotta, you gotta follow your heart when it speaks
So bump what your friends say, yea
Cause they might lead you the wrong way
You know when you're in love.

I just thought this was funny because we always ask for advice from these mere mortals instead of asking the ones who we really need to listen to... like ourselves and more importantly, Jah.

This was brought on by one of my most favorite first cousins still hung up on an ex BOYFRIEND who committed the cardinal relationship sin: cheating. And I mean, hard core. When I went through my relationship downfall not cheating related my cousin had no mercy on my co-parent. When I was feeling sad or like "working it out" she told me to get over it... exercise my energy elsewhere etc. etc. Now that she and her ex are on the fritz she still continues to be friendly wid him (something she told me NOT to do and my situation wasn't nearly as drastic as hers ... in retrospect)... I still love her... she's only human. And it was my idea to take my problem to her versus the only being who really could answer the question for me.

SO, what you're saying is in one weekend... the same weekend... two people of my "past" want to talk to me... about you? There's some sort of revelations being passed out about clarity and having you first in our lives before we can build lives, friendships... families. You never make it very easy do ya?

Today I will sit in front of Co-Parent and for the first time in six months really address some things we never did for whatever reason. Bitterness... hurt... anger... whatever. Thursday I sat down wid the friend turned lover who was my rock during a difficult time, showing me all the qualities of a husband a queen deserves but our issues needed tending... It's uncanny that they both want to discuss in a matter of days. I thought I would come out tomorrow wid the clarity I needed but I am slowly learning that they will probably both give me much to think about. I, after all, am still thinking about my Thursday discussion. And I will have to take any and all questions and concerns to the Creator. No one else. If I am lucky, I will be able to salvage two friendships... in a single weekend

On my way to perform some community service... get out and enjoy the weather... embrace all things happily and see the world through a child's eyes today. It's fun.

I'll keep ya'll posted... as always.

But very funny, Jah. I get it. Hardy har har....

It was all good just a week ago...

"It's crazy how things got so bad so fast... two months ago we was just celebratin."
--Co-Parent

It's almost rude to quote him in the context of this blog, but the uncanny of the deja vous is giving me weird sensations. And not the good kind that make me clutch pillows. For two months ago, WE were celebrating supposedly the first of many Valentine's Days. And I don't even celebrate Valentine's Day. But I did for him. When I first sat down to complete this entry, I was thinking that it's crazy how things can be so good and then shoot downhill like whoa....

But then, I really thought about it... there were underlying issues in both dynamics that had never been rectified or hell, even really discussed in the best manner and things just fall outta control when people stop caring, paying attention.... looking?

I was talking to The Prophet today, and we were vibing and conversing on how "what you see is what you get." And hardly ever do people in new dating situations let all their crazy be known right off rip. In a situation where I tried to be nothing but honest about everything me (good, bad or otherwise) it still came back around to bite me in the butt. What is it wid black relationships that seem so good for the other, failing?

Quick and brief this time... wid the emotions and the rain... I mostly need sleep... deep... sleep.

Defamation?

Why are you so lame, sis?

It's really not to be rude, but if you can't address me as a woman, putting your name or some other identifiable information, there's really nothing you can say to me that I will really listen to. The first time you stopped by being disrespectful, I posted and even replied in a respectful way... you keep at it. So now you wanna reach out. Your posts are all kind and caring now. Word? When just a few short weeks ago you tried to anonymously jump bad and be coy through posts you hid behind? Then he wasn't a bad guy, right? If I remember correctly, you missed his kiss or something like that... you were remembering the good times. But now, you want me to understand how horribly he treated you... Really? You are laughable, girl! It is seriously this kind of drama grown-ups just don't go through. I am an adult. I ask that you grow up... whoever you are. Part of me wants to help you, because you're clearly very hurt and were left messy from this ordeal or many ordeals. Whatever that ex, or several exes, did clearly has you traumatized. And as a mother (since you keep mentioning you are one) I find your actions deplorable. I don't sympathize nor have the time.

I haven't needed pretty words or bullshit in all this time living, and I certainly don't need them now. All the things you're saying would be better off left said to him or, better, a counselor. Further, if you're slandering his name and he knows who you are, I'd suggest he sue for defamation of character since you're claiming something pretty tough business. I may not like him very much right now, but he's still my brother. You get that? And I definitely don't want some creepy, anonymous... "woman" who speaks big and bad but would rather create fake blogs and names and/or hide behind them trying to give me advice on life, love, motherhood, or anything else. This is indeed my last transmission on the subject.

I ask you kindly, move on away from here.

Well connected to people in IT (to route where messages derive from) and Chicago PD (to arrest) and lawyers (to prosecute) and I've saved all your allegations in case he wants to proceed further. I see you're clearly battered, even when I can't SEE you.

I ask you kindly, move on away from here.

You clearly have several bones you want to pick wid him. He writes daily and surely has a lot to say to you.... ya'll talk. Don't bother talking to me. Perhaps he knows where to find you... or maybe can Google you, and "bring em out, bring em out!" It's hard to write when the Bic pen's in ya mouth.

Seriously, ma... stop stalkin blogs in the middle of the night. Specifically my blog... Or, stalk since you clearly enjoy a fantastic read, but don't bother talking to me, cause your words, testimonies, all that, don't faze me in any decisions I've made... in life. I know you saw my message to you... and my peoples messages to you, but you just browse over the lessons you really need to learn tho. Come at me like a woman and then maybe we can talk, till then you may as well be Charlie Brown's teacher.

I ask you kindly, move on away from here. Seriously. Give it a rest.

Sympathy

"The most unloving thing one can do is fire back at someone they claim to love wid angry words of emotion... just because he/she was hurting." ~ RBG

"You better watch who you beef wid."
~ Can-i-bus

I spoke of PPC yesterday... a man who appeared on paper to be my soul mate. You'd probably noticed, one thing I didn't do was bad mouth him... even though there left lots of room to do so. He was the first boyfriend of mine who was incredibly against a civil dissolution of love. I'd never experienced such anger and humiliation until I saw a bag of garbage thrown across the room just because I was ending our love affair, for just cause. I would experience it a couple times more since then... PPC bad mouthed me to our mutual friend, that I was disloyal and left when he needed me most. Luckily she knew the truth behind it all and knew if nothing else, I was the most loyal... we just weren't as compatible as I would have prayed. And while there was PLENTY I coulda went hard on him about, like real motherlovin problems... I never did. Even when he sent me a return mail (months later, I mailed to see how he was doing and to tell him I missed him and perhaps I could have handled things differently) with the most brutal attacks on my character I have ever read and heard... ever... about.me?

Then there was Blast, the one who put me on blast on his blog because I didn't really see room in my life for a long-distance relationship. He wasn't that bad in comparison... plus he did it in a discreet way where I was the only one who knew what the eff he was talking about. His opinion was that I was missing out on something without at least giving him a shot because of what had happened to me in the past wid LD relationships. He very well could have been right. But if don't nobody else know my mental... I do. And it's best I follow my first mind before I succumb to terms of endearment.

I read in a "friendly" letter yesterday, that someone dear to my heart didn't know whether " to hate (me) or feel sorry for (me)." I can't lie Blogsphere, it stung to hear someone I trusted and believed in, more than he originally believed in himself, to speak to me with a daggerous tongue. Knowing I don't viciously attack anyone... especially him. Knowing he continued a "relationship" for much too long wid someone who hurt him, emotionally attacked him and the foul shit he did in return... reading that let me know, as a best friend, I was not above the anger.

But I digress. He felt sorry for me because I didn't settle for a husband when one was looking me in the face. On a day/night (my father's born day) where every person who cared about me in my life was trying to keep me from being sad, thinking too much, being emotional, crying over my Daddy, reinstilling in me why they love me, because I love life... this friend was feeling sorry for and/or hating me. We already know it takes too much inner-g to hate someone, so I won't spend time on that one. But let's debrief about what is sympathy exactly?

sym⋅pa⋅thy

  /ˈsɪmpəθi/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [sim-puh-thee] noun, plural -thies, adjective –noun

harmony of or agreement in feeling, as between persons or on the part of one person with respect to another.

the harmony of feeling naturally existing between persons of like tastes or opinion or of congenial dispositions.

the fact or power of sharing the feelings of another, esp. in sorrow or trouble; fellow feeling, compassion, or commiseration.

sympathies, a. feelings or impulses of compassion. b. feelings of favor, support, or loyalty: It's hard to tell where your sympathies lie.

favorable or approving accord; favor or approval: He viewed the plan with sympathy and publicly backed it.

agreement, consonance, or accord.

Nice right? Only problem is, he doesn't sympathize he feels sorry.... for.me? That is not nice. Hate is definitely not nice. But I had to examine further. So he feels sorry for me because I thought to work on self before committing to someone. Is this how we weigh personal fulfillment? In the responsibility of another? Cause then how is it personal?

" But Gypsy woman as you approach 30 you will have to set down somewhere, as a mother of (The) wonderful Sun."

Sit down somewhere? As if I am out of control? Or reckless? Say word, friend? I am anything BUT. I've been a great mother to my Sun. A.fucking.great.one. For nearing three years this September. When he was conceived. I walked throughout my pregnancy and did yoga and water aerobics. I stopped drinking, smoking my occasional cigar or even being around second-hand smoke. I had him vaginally, and naturally, and it was the most beautiful moment I've ever experienced. I took him to the doctor on schedule, vaccinated on time, asked the doctors all kindsa "crazy new mom" questions to be on top of my game. Left unstable situations, despite the womanly fear to be alone, because I know what's best for him. I play wid him for at least two hours everyday and some days... hell, many days... are just about him. This life thing, now is just about him. To set(tle) down SOMEWHERE to me suggests settle down anywhere. And THAT my friend, is something the true Mother of the Sun, Dawta of Light, just will never do. Whether I am approaching 30 or 300.

I'm hurt, cause not only do I never attack my friend on what HE should work on, have, be doing at his older age (instead always focusing on what I can fix in self and only being supportive of my friend recognizing potential he failed to see) but it.really... sucks that in a land of so much opportunity, in two thousand and nine, for Pete's sake, a woman who actually leaves her house to physically GO to work for 40 hours a month and still makes more than the standard household income for a single mom (hey, I ain't rich, but TRUST I do aite! and only a few months young in this consulting thang) a woman who owns her own car, has her own home, a woman who pays her bills on time with astonishingly sexy credit score, a woman who raises her sun extremely well given the cards dealt, feeds him nutritious foods, who is conscious, healthy, caring, educated two times over, can be felt sorry for because she doesn't have a husband. Or isn't settling on one. This is bullshit.

And just because I am angry in return I still won't dagger my tongue. That friend was important to me. I truly love him. I still pray for him. But "drunk lips" don't lie... and I know now at least a piece of what he was really thinking when I was emotionally battling what to do about my husband in training. What that judgmental friend clearly will never understand is that it was a hard... extremely hard... decision to make. But I made it for the best interest of everyone. I suggest my old friend, and even my ex-husband in training, take a look at themselves before feeling sorry for me. Like I look at myself... widout ever having the disgusting gall to feel sorry for him.



"People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you will know exactly what to do."
~ Anonymous

If I Could Rewind The Times...

I remember sitting in my dorm room when I received the call that my dad was experiencing some complications. I drove home that same night. Late. He'd went into a "standard procedure" to loosen a blockage in his legs that he'd mentioned to me over my winter break. He'd survived a triple bypass three years prior so it was to be a walk in the park. He was Superman. He never made it home from that procedure. Trips back and forth to the hospital... would end with me receiving a call while laying in my boyfriends bed in the wee hours of the morning... his chest where I would cry and talk about how I couldn't lose my daddy... where he tried best with two parents to tell me it would be OK. To this day, he tells me he feels bad that he didn't prepare me better. And to this day, I tell him he was supposed to try to make me believe.

I feel silly nine years later, after so many failed attempts to visit his grave, still mourning my dad. He was born today... and I haven't yet shed a tear like birthdays past. And that too, makes me feel silly. It's weird to lose a parent, yanno? A person who is your hero... you never know how to adapt to that. My mother didn't date/marry till 5 years after he died. And then married a man ... almost like him. (There's only one.)

I have been going through so much emotionally and haven't talked to anybody for very long about any of it.... for nine years... that same year I lost my dad, my first love/fiance and I broke up. The same one who's chest I cried on. Yes. A year after that he was engaged to be married and married a month later. Like it was nothing.

I finished school and six months after graduation I ran away moved to Michigan for man job thinking I'd found my Prince Charming. I was incredibly, incorrect. I stayed there for four years... two after my leaving PPC (pseudo prince charming). I spent those two years secretly wondering what would have happened with my first love had he just been a little more patient and honest. Which is why when I returned to the city it was only a few months before he called wanting to see me... I let him. I now know what would have happened... we would have dated in a non-marital union for near three years, conceived and birthed a sun and I would have left him because he was still the same patient, dishonest man.

I moved right back into love before I even had him off my couch. And not rebound shit... real love. Love you feel for someone because you sense they truly care about you... but true to form.. true to my nature, I didn't give myself that time. I didn't recognize the true damage that had been done because I am always so well put together. SO head strong... so strong-willed, so smart, so determined... never taking a time out for moi. And now I have exhausted her in love. To the point where I roll eyes to things that would normally make my heart melt.

To the point where I avoid calls because I don't feel like being bothered. But to someone who has shown me nothing but extreme love and respect. It's unfair really. To both of us. Him first, because he deserves someone who is just as lovey dovey as he.... and to me, because I feel robbed of my lovey dovey... something I once was so fluidly... for the wrong.fucking.people... and now it's too late. I need to stop running from the reality that I could use time to get it together. I didn't allow myself that much at all through my years here as an adult. I feel horrible. I don't know other ways to say it verbally... he so determined. Not realizing I SEE how great we are... but I don't want to damage anyone -- especially him -- the way I have been. So I am taking a step back... and praying to Jah he don't hate me for it. Pray to Jah that we'll come full circle like all things meant... but now is not time. RBG has some splaining to do... to herself.

If I could rewind the times, I would have told my Dad to get more than one opinion. I'da set "first love" free at the first discrepancy in our long-distance relationship... and things would be different. BUT if they were, I wouldn't have the greatest gift known to man.... I am FIRM believer in all things happening for reason... I rarely know the reason right away or soon after. But I am gonna get to the bottom... of me.

(Current) Thought Process... of a Gypsy.

I am rethinking a lot of things and purging a lot of stress and aggravation...
I have come across a great many revelations in the past several months since freedom...
I am ready for the rebirth of Sanni...
I have been holding back from myself... I have been scared.
I can't choose the way people act, live, love, treat me, respond, but I can choose how I RE-act.
I am battling the pros and cons...
I am sad at the mental state of others...
I am secure in myself.
I love hard... so it means something when I don't.
I re-need clarity. I am ))centering(( of self.
But can no longer be self... centered.
I meditate for peace...
I sit in the bask of The Sun for peace...
I am regaining spirituality where it counts...
I am a p u
z
z le...
I have all the pieces, but am still putting it together...
I have 9 months to figure it out...
That is when the childishness and fun of 20s can't be used as an excuse anymore...
I am making a way out of none.
I am not going to worry about toma...
I am going to start treating others how I would want to be treated...
... respected. Whether it hurts me or not...
I am righting wrongs... Whether it hurts you or not.
Taking responsibility for my actions...
Taking a time out...
No more flags on the play...
I am thinking...
I've been a good person, but there is always room for improvement.
"I was born under a wandering star"... Gypsy free. Gypsy me.

© 2009 CZS / RBG



image source: mary croppins... "gypsy" border

I Apologize... I Think.

I apologize you're a lifeless loser wid nothing better to do than ANONYMOUS comment on my blog about a man who doesn't want you anymore.

I am not your problem, dear. In fact, I don't know (or care) about your previous dynamic with him. Because tis just that... previous. And I came along much after. I apologize that you have not found someone new in all this time. Or made things work with that one guy who wanted to wife you. I can tell you they are few and far between so I know your energy is better directed elsewhere.

I think I apologize you couldn't capitalize on his heart when you had access to it. In fact, how dare you get attitudinal with ME when you had three entiyah weeks where we each could have taken or left each other. I would say you chose to not strike while the iron was hot... but let's be real, he prolly wouldn't have welcomed you then either.

I am not your problem. And you know it. I realize he's not taking your calls nor responding to your email and if he is, isn't saying anything you want to hear. I can understand the frustration, well not really... I've never been not wanted by the men I want. But your virtue was blown. Hard to come back from that, even if you had all your marbles.

I am on a different level than you... clearly. Because your ANONYMOUS comments make me giggle. Because even through it all, well, he's satisfied... very much so... and still.here. I understand you think he's your man and I've "stolen" him, but the truth of the matter is, you ruined that union, not me. So I apologize that you need to get real... I think. I feel sorry for you because you really believed you were possibly up next for the throne...

You say it'll be over soon... even if that were true... it definitely wouldn't be because of you. You say his lips are like butter? Whatever the example, much like his eyes, they're only for me. So I hope you savored 'em... do like others of your kind, bottle it up, clench it, hold on to it soooo.veerrrry.tight -- the memory. Think about him when you're sexing dude for all I care... Just realize where you should direct all this crazy... because while I have a sense of humor... several people who love him/me don't. And they itching for me to release the hounds.

When all is said and done, I do believe there is someone for everybody... don't miss your blessing worrying about mine.