I just want to thank my Earth, Wind and Fire Pandora station for gifting me with this Smokey Song I'd never heard... WOW!



The Agony & Ecstacy

By: Smokey Robinson

What's it all about, this crazy love
How did our two worlds entwine?
How do I fit in to your life?
How did you get into mine?
I belong to someone else we know...

Back when first we met
Oh, we thought for fun
One night together might be nice
Oh...oh...but fun turned into love for both of us
So now we pay forbidden lover's price

Oh, 'cause love like ours is never, ever free (Free)
You pay some agony for the ecstasy (For the ecstasy)
Oh, love like ours is never, ever free (Free)
You got to pay some agony for the ecstasy (For the ecstasy), oh:oh:

Nights when you're alone, you know that I
Laid with someone else beside me
Oh, but you love me still and I love you
You know I would no matter where I'd be

Hey, but love like ours is never, ever free (Free)
You got to pay some agony for the ecstasy (For the ecstasy)
Oh, love like ours is never, ever free (Free)
We got to pay some agony if we wanna have ecstasy (For the ecstasy), oh...
Hey, got to pay some agony
If we wanna have an ecstasy, yeah:eah:
And we need each other desperately, don't we, baby
And I'll never from you be free, no, no
So you'll have to do the leavin' me, yeah
And you'll have to do the leavin' me, oh, baby
'Cause I'm gonna pay the agony, yeah
'Cause, oh, lovin' you is ecstasy, that's what it is
And I'm willin' to pay the price, oh
'Cause I'll make it a sacrifice, oh, yes, I will
And I'll never, never, never, never, never, never, never be free
From agony.

This LIFE....is what you make it.

RBG Note: This is a blog originally started on March 21... and never finished or posted. It infuses stories from about 3 other unfinished pieces since then (see ya'll, I am often compelled to write, I just don't finish most of the time).

As I sat down at my uncle's 60th birthday celebration, Future by my side I smiled and began to think THIS is the year my life begins to change. For the better. I felt it then. I feel it today. Every day I'm smiling (with the exception of these last couple depressed weeks). I don't take the non-serious things as serious. I am finding fulfillment in everything around me and if there IS none, I'm deading the situation and placing myself in a better one. I am claiming the happiness I want and taking it for myself. Speaking up for it, fighting for it if I must. Showing the problems, the Devil, my adversity who's boss. I finally feel GROWN.

Don't get me wrong, I have always been full grown, but now that I understand how to BE grown, it's like the newest level of grown there is. And I adore it. While going to drop off my truck in the body shop a couple weeks back an old familiar tune played through my speakers. Oh how I miss Dave Hollister. His lil deep hood tunes that I couldn't really connect with so much then, I feel to my core now. I understand what he was singing about...

"Seeing you reminds me of, all the nights I useta beat it up...I would do it again, but I can't. See everything is different now, I done finally settled down.. I became a one-woman man." ~D. Hollister

There comes a time in every relationship where the people who comprise it want to do right and be right within that relationship........... right? I realize we have different experiences with every person... well I have finally accepted that now... after a conversation with my dear friend and Frat brother. We were talking about exes and I asked did he think it would be DIFFICULT to let go of an ex you had such an extensive of a history when you have such a positive future in your presence.

“That is what makes it difficult to completely release people you truly have loved because there is a small list of things that only that person can really do well for you no matter what anyone else does. And nobody on earth will ever understand it except you and that person…” ~Blue

I have spent my adult dating life trying to be everything for the man I'm with... and I realized today that's not gonna happen. I must accept that my Future is going to have memories of past... as am I... especially if there's a child involved but more so when you were in love.... like really in love... it may be harder to let go than we like to put on or admit. But I'm glad to be at D. Hollister status.... where a person can remind us of good times but we remember what we have at home... and how we want to build on that before we text back, flirt back, call or fuck.. when do we get to THAT level? What we gotta do to STAY there?

Cause um grown... I ain't letting NOBODY mess this life up. You either in it to win it or you gotta get gone too... by any means necessary...

"ANYBODY can get it... in.this.bitch!" LOL (Reference: I Wanna Work for Diddy)

*walks off singing* My life, my life, my life my life... in the sunshine!

#notsorandom

It Ain't Cheatin Till...

*sings*Him and her, as far as can be... S-E-X-T-I-N-G
First comes emotion, then comes regret, then comes a problem they can't soon forget.

I miss the time of unlocked cell phones and trusting mates... technology has really taken a turn since our younger years. I remember when I had the young Smart Beep pager, remember when 4-3-7-7-0 and 1-4-3 were cute little codes, remember when phones didn't have lock codes... what are you hiding in there anyways? With all the SEXTING rage and things that have hit close to home for me in the past of my mate textually pouring his heart out to the wrong girl, I often worry that this will ultimately be the figurative death of my relationship... a friend of mine just recently found something very disturbing in her man's cellphone... and as someone who's been there, I could only sympathize with her. They always say, seek and you shall find. But some shit, you're just supposed to know.... some shit you're supposed to TELL your mate. Sexting, I'm learning is looked at as something that's "not that bad." If a woman sends a pic of her pu$$y or ass, or her doing a sexual act, it's like looked over as NOT being disrespectful... but isn't it? I mean, porn is one thing but sexting and video conferencing masturbation from an ex who you can easily talk to or see any given minute of the day/week... is that not disrespectful to the homefront?

I ask cause I want clarification... I mean, being a flirt, I can often remember catching myself harmlessly doing so with a complete stranger while getting my car out of valet or walkin through a mall if I'm spoken to first, but no numbers were exchanged and definitely no pics of body parts sent. When I was single, one person used to send me penis shots... just random penis shots I guess to give me a preview... when I got them then I would smile and send something flirty... when I told that person I was now in a relationship all of a sudden the random penis shots stopped. I guess that's the difference in someone who really wants to work on their relationship vs. someone who's just always gonna continue to do whatever the fock he/she wants... no matter how their partner feels about it?

And then the question of "is it really that big a deal?" comes into play... but isn't it? Conversations of that nature, ESPECIALLY with someone you used to physically DO just ain't cool... she sending pics of her half nekkid in the bathroom for pic IDs and shit... ugh... and ya'll wonder why I worry about the future of relationships? Really? We do some dumb sh*t... and often... with little regard for the other person. A complete and utter "single till you're married" approach to love and life... but what a way to show you care? right? Versus like acting accordingly. Not saying I'm perfect... I'm certainly not... but I miss the days of unlocked cell phones... the days where people didn't have to delete threads of conversations and their entire email inbox to destroy all the disrespectful shit they do when their mate isn't looking... would you have deleted it if she couldn't find it? Why were you doing it in the first place?? I'm so nervous ya'll... I can only keep praying that Jehovah has something better for MY relationship and that I won't have to go through that once again... I couldn't trust easily again if I did. And would a locked cell phone now make me wonder? Absolutely... it's a product of my emotional environment. I am forever tarnished by that act... cause if I'm not doing it for you, I'd much rather you tell me and I can find somebody I do it (and oh so much more) for. Why waste our time if you're going to emotionally (or physically) cheat....

Is the "ain't cheating till you're married" the new phenomenon?? I mean, what's really the scientific reasoning to why people can't DO right? Why play these awful, awful games??? What ever happened to perfect practice makes perfect? Act in your relationship how you will when you're married and recognized by God! or get the hell on...

Am I overreacting?

I'm a 30 y/o unmarried woman... and I approve this message.

Get On My Level

"Water seeks its own level." ~ExH.I.T.

Greetings and Salutations! (I've always wanted to "say" that... not sure why.) I come to you a very content woman today as I progress in all facets. Officially 10 pounds lighter, I now can really feel like I am taking steps in the right direction of where my place in this life is going. I am pleased to be making adjustments and doing daily work with someone on my level.

Working as a team is pretty OK, I'm learning... doing away with the selfishness of the past and moving toward a future is healthy and progressive and, I'm learning, a lot of fun. It's nice to stop focusing on the small stuff, and entrust that to Jehovah that he will take care of it in his time, but to keep my mind focused on the big things and keep enjoying where I am in this space and time. I love it. Recently, the mister and I have started working out... together.

"The best way to enhance a relationship is to lead a healthy lifestyle -- as a couple." ~ Jillian (That Deal) Michaels (I adore Jillian... I may have a teeny girl crush on her... teeny.)

It's different and liberating for me to have gone back to leading a healthy lifestyle while in a life with someone... before I've always done it when I kick someone to the curb, get my sexy back as a single girl... then get in a relationship and lose myself in him with date nights, alcohol-infused functions, lazy Saturdays and just being in love and happily fat and all that... so it was nice to get the gumption to return to WW while in a couple, and then see him take an interest in getting himself back young and fit as well. Very cool stuff. Of course now, that adds a bit of pressure for me because EVERYBODY knows men lose weight much faster than we do, so I would be lying if I didn't say, he pushes me because when I want to have a honey bun for breakfast and he chooses Total, I get back on my mental ya dig. Granted, neither of us is (fortunately) anywhere close to being like a gastric candidate or anything, but it's amazing just the energy you get back from doing just a little bit more than you did last week, yesterday... and the different things you have energy for and how it enhances you.

"When you're feeling strong and confident, you also feel a lot sexier—and that'll boost your sex life." ~J. Michaels

I have been getting the baby itch lately... my poor sun wants to see his friends, his cousins, anyone he can to play with... but I cannot, will not, enter into another pregnancy overweight (or unmarried for that matter but mostly overweight) because I just can't keep doing this back and forth anymore with my health. I've got to prove to myself that I AM in control of my own body.
"Make a woman feel like she's the hottest, most feminine person in the world and she'll love you..." I like that one Jillian... to the same effect as women, doing the work to make ourselves healthier and feeling inside that will exude that femininity, brew that sexiness, and we will (more importantly) love OURSELVES... I love myself you guys!!!

I know and understand that there's ways to enjoy life and the things I want in a pair without sacrificing my temple ANY longer. It's just... nice... sure it has it's scary parts and plot twists here and there, but watching the "fairytale" unfold is definitely making me a lot more level-headed.

Photo Source: http://www.geo.uu.nl/fg/palaeogeography/pictures/results_fluvialstyle/02_Meanderende_rivier.jpg

2009 Rewind...

2009, for me, was all about Love.
I can sum it up in just that one little powerful word.

I started a To Be Continued post on The Black Family a while black... and how it was dying. Dead. Kaput. This is my rewind of that.

While I DO still feel the Black Family has a loooong way to go, I no longer feel it's a lost cause... I think. I spoke to a friend of mine, a Married of several years, like 7 who is contemplating leaving the Sacred Union because there is little that can be done to restore it back to it's original goodness. With three little ones, a nice home, two cars, head of household at stake, it's difficult for many to see how someone could walk away. I feel bad for that friend, cause I know that Friend has been trying the hardest to keep things afloat in that marriage. It makes me wonder... not only about the Black Family but about this concept of forever..

"I want this shit forever mayne." ~ Drake

Forever is such a long time... and it often worries me. I mean, I think about a couple like my parents who suffered and survived every kind of problem a marriage could from alcoholism, anger management, heart attacks, infidelity to death, and still managed to look at each other lovingly after 27 years... and pray that at least the "lovingly" is in my future. I don't know that I have the patience or staying power to deal with a few of those things... but marriage says for "better or worse," "in sickness and in health"... clearly many people don't take this charge (hence why we have a something like 58% divorce rate?). I know each year of any relationship (married or otherwise) is going to come with ups and downs... at what point do we stop wanting the "forever" we signed up for?

In my present relationship, everyday is a lesson. Everyday is a glimpse into the future. And I am enjoying each day more and more, even the trying ones to get to that forever possibility. I've read of people marrying someone "no matter what was going on at the time" they proposed. Meaning, things were clearly wrong, and probably destined to fail but people still entered into something so serious. Why do we do that, exactly? When we know something is wrong, or won't work yet we enter into it anyway? For... ever? Is it because we take the concept and idea of marriage so lightly the thought of "well, if it don't work, I'll just get a divorce?"

I mean, I know I am a never married individual speaking on this subject but that's how we unmarried individuals either stay unmarried or only marry — and stay married — once. Hopefully the latter for me. I know I talk a lot of shit, but there should be NO contesting I'd make an awesome wife... *pauses to see who dare disagree*.......
......
...........
............

*ahem* so I say all that to say this:

Black Family, we can be so much more than Dads visiting their children every other weekend, baby mama drama, and constant drama and bullshit. (I do realize white families go through a lot of the same, but that doesn't affect me.) I just keep looking at that Ebony cover of the Obama's... you think Barack and Michelle don't have issues or haven't had any in all their years? OK, maybe they're as perfect as they look, lol, but the point is, I am sure they have days where Michelle/Barack is like, "OK, please get away from me" but both realize the importance of the other in her/his life.

Sooo with all this introspective thinking.... I came up with one solid solution for hope: we can save our families starting with taking more responsibility for our own actions.

MEN...

Leave your pasts behind... you guys are so caught up on hurting someones feelings, or just not over someone, holding on to someone who you can't be with or don't want to be with, stirring feelings just cause you got too much time on your hands, or WHATEVER the fock you're doing does NOT help. I mean, seriously, if you don't listen to anything I've EVER said, listen to me NOW when I say, pick a path (read: woman) and stick with her. Give her your ALL.. and see how that goes for you... video chatting, sex texts, inappropriate pic mails with your exes, baby mamas, jumpoffs and the like just keep us in the struggle... COMMIT.

WOMEN....

You can't become a different person once you have the ring or a few months in. Rationing the precious, not cooking, not keeping yourself tight around the waist and what not (trust me I'm guilty of all.. OK, not the first one, but maybe the second from time to time and definitely the last BUT my eyes are open now...I'm on it lol). You have to do the SAME things you did to get him to keep him... it's a poorly used reason from men when they cheat, but when you think about it, it's true. We often transform ourselves during the dating process, or so I hear, cause we are looking for marriage... I implore you: STOP it! To know you... is to love you! He should get to know you. If he loves that person in the present... he'll love her in the future.

MEN...

You can't be sitting around the house not doing NOTHIN.. clean up, take the garbage out, wash a dish, help with the kids! Motherhood and taking care of a home is TIRING... it's helpful to your home and relationship to lend a helping hand. And not just every once in a while, but on a REGULAR basis.

WO(MAN)...

Be prepared to work together... pray together, put God first, cause it takes HARD GOTDAMN WORK to get to forever. And listen to your mate... sometimes — hell often times — they are putting you on notice without causing a fuss. Found something troubling, but leave subtle hints to avoid drama but let you know to shape up or ship the hell out...

Let's NOT enter into anymore future forevers without understanding the work and commitment there needs to be on our OWN part to salvage it and make it its best. Stop always pointing a finger and fix yourself first. You know what wrong you doing before it's even pointed out. Unless you're one of those people who just sucks... come on people... I could cry writing this blog post. I know the Black Family could be SO much more, if we just give ourselves some credit for our own shit... the good, the bad and the ugly...

Ya'll kno who it is....

The Best I Eva Had

"U da fuckin best"

The Relationship Queen...

I must say that after processing all the emotion that has come with the last seven months, it's rather relieving to not be worried about the stress and problems of relationships.. my splits never really last long. My frat brother always jokes "So what's goin on? I kno you don't stay on the market long!" But hell, it's not as flattering a compliment if all men want to do is just DATE you. haha! But whatevs... so I had really, literally, been in a relationship since I was a teenager, engaged at 15 even!

The only and first intentional break was in 2004 right after breaking up with PPC... I needed to really re-assess myself. And it was fun and I enjoyed it. Sex with no strings attached, several dates a week, intellectual conversations with versatile minds... I had a ball.

So the breather has been nice... but I've found at my wiser age.. I don't have time to sleep with someone no strings attached... so I'm not gonna. And it really isn't my style anyway... plus I always only have one partner at a time, so that kinda takes the excitement out of the concept.

I learned exactly who I was in my time away and saw so many traits of myself that I wanted and needed to work on. And am proud to say I am working on them... we're all works in progress aftaall but it's important to work on self before throwin all that onto someone else's plate...

I am enjoying, finally finally, enjoying coming full center with my emotions. No anger. No sadness. No jealousy. No insecurity... just lil ol me, happy, vibrant, confident, not snippy nor attitudinal... talkin through things versus yelling, screaming, crying, giving up... yes...

Sometimes I remember the disappointment. I mean, several things didn't turn out the way I expected, thought or would have ever imagined they would... and I am sure He has more surprises in store... but I am trusting in Him... and gwan with the flow. I no longer need to jump in and out of relationships... on and off the market... gonna make it do what it do and be what it must... yoouuuu diiiig.

The Sex Clouds of Judgment

Author's preface: this is not a suitable post for underageness...

Is your name Yemaja? Aw hell naw... it's got to be Oshun!

~Darius Lovehall "Love Jones"

I was thinking last night about how long it's been since I had sex... um, with another person... and it dawned on me, that I am a very sexual being... so it's weird how much cloudier my mind can become when not getting a little extra attention than when I am. It's weird because that's "bass ackwards" as my daddy would say.
Generally, sex clouds judgment making us less likely to make the best decision because of the sex. I am guilty of this once... many, many moons ago in my younger days staying in a relationship because the sex was maaaagnificent. Even though he was a jerk.

I commend people who wait till marriage to have sex and in many instances I have wondered what would my life be like if I were still a virgin... but since I'm not lol, let's address the topic at hand... granted I'm definitely not a slut. I've passed up more sex than a little bit and you'd seriously be surprised at how ridiculously low my number is (I don't believe one needs 30-40, hundreds of partners to "get good" just (like with anything) lots of practice). But I do believe sex to be one of the most beautiful acts that two people who love each other can do together to not only experience a euphoric state (orgasm) but create life.

In the same breath, it's pleasant to get to know someone without the pressure of sex interrupting the flow of things, but man... what about your needs?? I sound like a man, hunh? But let's be real, doesn't a romp in the bed kinda calm things down when things are too tense? too much?

"They should just bone and get that shit over with."
~Mike Lowry "Bad Boys"

A friend of mine is dating someone who she's known for a while but they have only been dating a month... STD tests check out, she already knows what he does in bed and is concerned that he hasn't yet made a move. They rolled around a little "by accident" the first night they reunited, but stopped abruptly in the middle because he felt weird just jumping right back in the sack like they'd never been apart. She hurt him in their previous dynamic. But she says the passion was there... but now since then he's not tried again and wants me in all my in-expertise, to try and decipher this Davinci Code. *throws up arms* lol

Not sure what to say... while sex isn't EVERYTHING, it certainly is something. A necessary something. Different strokes (pun intended) for different folks so frequency and intensity may vary but at some point it should be discussed what's really taking place. In the situation with my homegirl, I told her to wait it out some. It's only been a month, hornball! :)



We women think men want to screw all day, everyday... and in many cases we might be right. It's always flattering (in my opinion as usual) to have someone pawing at you than not... let's you know you're wanted, desired, needed... makes you feel sexy, seductive, special. I hope my homegirl and her man find a delicate balance as soon as possible.

Oshun... out.

Asshole... in love.

Yesterday while browsing the web, I got an email from a familiar address. It was a name I hadn't thought about in a long time. Which made me go directly to the source: the blog. And I scrolled back in time to practically four years ago this time of year. I lived in Michigan, was single, ready to mingle, no Sun, my own place in Lake of the Woods, working for a University, happy wid all life afforded me... (fast forward to now and I find myself still all most of all those things, except my job location and living quarters have changed ... and of course, I am Mother to the The Sun).

In January of 2005... actually a bit before that, I started casually dating a male friend of mine who lived here back in Chicago, while I lived near Detroit. A great guy. Funny. Conscious. Sports-loving, a great kisser and just an all-around nice person. He would do anything for me, including celebrate my 25th birthday wid me, call to check on me long-distance when I was sickly, take the drive to visit me in the dead of a Midwest winter, worry all night when I had an accident that totaled my whip... from which, by the grace of Jah, I walked away from. He wanted, requested more of me... that I wasn't prepared to give him long distance... or possibly -- now that I think about it -- at all. But what I did do, was get with someone closer to me at the time who I was fallin head over heels for, who ultimately tried to break my heart. I say "tried" because I boned out before he had a chance. This was a pattern, generally, wid me... that I look over a seemingly great guy for some random, probably often terrible, reason to go on to a jerk who doesn't know when Queen sits before him. I admit it, I stand before my Creator ready for his tongue-lashing. And respect it, if I've already missed my husband. I am happy to say now, at least, that wid my sun as the guiding presence in my life, I make decisions in love now based on the reason and logic and not solely on the heart (cause she too emotional) and definitely not the frivolous or shallow.



After all, I was never really honest with that friend. And he's still my friend today... and I never really gave him the real reason... and he knows it. It was scattered through those hurt blogs from a lifetime ago... wondering what he did, why I didn't want him... I never told him because he is my friend and I didn't want to hurt his feelings anymore than I already had. I've broken three hearts (maybe four) in life (that I know about) and every time, I wish I could have done something differently.. but I can't regret the time, because I live widout regrets so long as I learned something from the lesson. It does not feel good to have a heart broken, I know first hand... and I apologize immensely to each of them for my bullshit then.

I think about the men I hurt a lot... wondering if I've tarnished them for their real queens or if their real queen was me... in their minds. I asked my friend if he thought he would get married. To which he replied: "Maybe 1 day.. It will take someone else special, though. My door is partially closed." To which, I felt like shit. I think about the men I hurt a lot... tossing him to the side because we lacked the chemistry in bed a spit-fire like me desires... versus possibly talking to him... seeing if we could find a middle ground. I'm creative, perhaps he woulda been too?

I think about the men I hurt a lot... wondering if he will ever own up to his own shit, and stop blaming me or accusing me of not being there... when I was there for ten months being supportive, loving and patient. But left when his inability to see what I was doing widout acknowledgment.

I think about the men I hurt a lot... who wanted me to "submit" to him but was not being the King a Queen should submit to. Short attention span to the Queen, workaholic, etc.

I think about the man I am hurting... a lot. It's not intentional, but I think we both know we are too combative... and there's no way to really compromise and be together, successfully, without one of us NOT being who we REALLY are. And that the concept of boyfriend irks me right now... I don't want to be an asshole no more... in love. I just want to maintain friendships wid these people I garnered so much respect for. You bring hours of great sex (or minutes of terrible sex, or less than average penis size) or love conversations, or rules and regulations into the mix and things.just.change. I'm tired of shit changing.

I apologize from the bottom of my heart to the men I've hurt... but I swear, I'm not gonna hurt anybody else, any more. I am done being an asshole... in love.

Threesomes... for couples?

So, a friend of mine had an interesting proposal from her hubby: he wants to have a threesome before the year is over. Now, for more conservative folk this might be a shocker but in the new-age of sexual freedom and all that, is it really that much of a surprise? So, I've not yet been married, but is this permissable behavior for a COUPLE?

As a single person you have no ties to someone you wanna parlay with two other people of the same or mix-matches sexes. no one would blink about it. Do the damn thing. But in a couple, especially a couple that's planning to be together till death do us part, is it really a proper thing to do?

Well, my friend is seriously considering fufilling this fantasy of her hubby's. One, because he is her husband and she wants to fulfill his every desire, but also because I believe she is afraid that if SHE doesn't, he just may with someone else and a hot-to-trot friend who doesn't care about monogamy or marriage or unions. (*cough* whores)...

Well, I can't say I blame her for having the fear and considering the idea. BUT, I think there should be some rules:

1. New third party -- not one of her husband's ex "pretend" lesbian (girl)friends who would give anything to get him in the sack again. Even if that meant strappin his new wife.

2. No kissing. If it were me, kissing would be out of the question. Yes, I am one of those weird non-sensical people who thinks kissing is more intimate, more passionate, more meaningful than the act of sex.

3. Test it out. There must be a mandatory test among all willing parties, for the common STDs and the Big Kahuna. Of course, safe sex is necessary, but this test still needs to be admnistered for oral (if not prohibited).

4. No further contact. I HEAR the biggest problem with threesomes is the fact that someone (in this day, EITHER party) continues contact with the third behind the second half of the couple's back. Supreme no-no.

Of course, my personal opinion, because there are so many rules, one should save the act of a threesome for booty calls and the guy/girl you would never take home to mama. Role play, keep it interesting by any means necessary without bringing due stress to your situation. The last thing you wanna do is get divorced over a woman you introduced into your marriage.

I just listened to my friend, since she pretty much had her mind made up... but I was thinking all of this... bad idea in the long run.

What do you think? Got a rule to add?

The Weekends

I have not given blogging my full attention. When I was single, I could come in here and write something everyday, but now with a family (as a MOM -- still getting used to that) I don't get much time to squeeze it into my schedule. But it's cool because the way I do spend my free time now is amazing to me.

Because my honey and I work different shifts, the weekends are all we have to spend time all up in each other -- um almost literally and figuratively. I live for the weekends. It's nice to have time to self here and there, but there are few things that beat couple time... snuggled up on the couch, sippin on Maker's Mark and Coke on ice, watching a nice boxing match (man, I'm such a guy!)... it seems it's just me and him only (oh and our new addition of course) and I love it. I mean, it's the highlight of my week.

Call it in love or caked up or whatever your terminology... but it is my little utopic moment for two days of seven.

It's what the weekends are for.. it's how our relationship, as indescribable as it is, makes it through the tough times... to be able to use the time we have to keep this love of loves alive. From the movies we watch curled up on the couch to dinner in front of Forensic Files on the telly, to passionate love making or hardcore porn-like behavior... it's all f-u-n with Us. And if it's a 3-day weekend? Oh boy.

I have to get back to him.

I hope you're enjoying your weekend too.

What is Sexy, exactly?

I ask because I'm curious.

I just took the longest shower in the history of man, and for the first time, put on my Kimono. Authentically from Japan.. and it feels lovely on my skin. And it made me wonder what makes a person... sexy.

When I was 38 weeks pregnant... I felt beautiful and sexy. But my mate refused to touch me. Even though he told me then it was just the oddness of our son growing in my womb, I wondered how he could deny me for so long. I didn't gain that much weight and I stayed far away from the pregnancy Mu-Mus. I'd hear from several people how "wonderful" and "fabulous" and "sexy" I looked pregnant, but the one person I needed to feel all those things wasn't feeling me.

Now, he did complement me when I dressed for a special outing, telling me how nice I looked... I'd read about this horror story in several pregnancy books and websites, where Dad just wigs out and doesn't have an urge to be as sexual in the later stages of pregnancy. That helped some. But my pregnancy sexual appetite was off the charts. I have never thought myself sexy by "industry standards." You know, lighter skin or perfect black, long silky hair draping an ass the size of stallions.. but as I grew my confidence grew and now, I feel beautiful and sexy inside out. My butt may not be the largest, but it's mine. My skin tone, various shades of beautiful brown, my hair, huge soft black cotton, wide almond eyes and full lips.

I bring this all up because I still felt this way 22 pounds heavier and a huge round belly toting an infant. And my friend who is now pregnant feels she looks horrid. I want to make her see the beauty in herself first, and then realize that the blessing to grow a child only makes her sexier... more beautiful.. and the fact that her child's father doesn't want to touch her means NOTHING, but only that he's missing some of the best sex ever. Moist, warm... tender. She's not even 38 weeks yet and her mate isn't having it. I feel for her. Even more so than I felt for me.

I told her not to let his foolishness get to her. Told her that she still has to get up, shower, put on her sexiest undies and nice maternity wear and STRUT it. It's the only way to stay sane on a nine-month emotional roller coaster.

Some days, even though the books said I shouldn't take it personally... I did. It would sometimes affect the old self esteem. I mean, I was cute! I don't want her self-esteem to take a blow, so I'm giving my best advice along with a hug and a smile.

I wonder how many men stopped loving their women while pregnant and what the reason was for the cease... and how often it was that they could POSSIBLY not see the mother of their child as the sexiest bitch alive.