The Final Marriage Blog

"RBG, you're the woman men wanna date.... not the one they end up marrying. You're beautiful and funny, and resolve conflict easily..... you're not a 'rah-rah' girl"

..... well, damn.

On Dating Your Future Husband
For just a moment on the night of March 26th... I thought I was getting engaged.

It was then and still remains the one problem with being in the head over heels and dating in love stage. When you know you're with your future, every romantic evening you wonder will that be the one. I've not been in love like this in quite some time. And I realize how much I missed it.

The last time I was in love *like this* I was 16.
Not including my sun of course. I mean like love of a man... not of my blood. But I finally had to admit: I'm anxious. There. I said it.

And every milestone I wonder, why didn't it happen... then. Forget my uncle's big birthday bash -- the first large family event he escorted me to. Forget that our 2-year anniversary came and went. Forget my birthday, and random Hallmark holidays.... they came and went.

On The Exhaustion...

Warning: I'm in a sentimental mood... missing my dad like crazy.

Honestly? I'm this.close to being exhausted of the marriage idea: when it's gonna happen, why hasn't it happened for me, blogging about marriage... but it's all I can think about. (Dramatic). But really... it's everywhere: in my mailbox, on Facebook, in my family, on TV, in every old acquaintance asking "so what's been new with you? Married? Kids?" *sigh* Even if I was trying NOT to think about it.. it's in my face.

Plus the holidays always bring about a flood of wedding engagements and 2010 and 2011's holidays were no different. Three ladies I know, two Sorors and a Friend/Colleague all were proposed to on New Year's Eve and Christmas, respectively. And recently one more Soror got engaged and another just announced she was married. One of the fiance's said: "I want you to be a bridesmaid... but I know you'll say 'no'." Damn right I will! I'm tired of being a bridesmaid or "single" guest at every wedding I attend! (Often times people don't even let me bring a guest... just cause I'm not married I gotta come stag? Word?!) I thought the biological clock ticked for CHILDREN... well, I have my one and he's quite enough. I guess (as God intended) marriage and children are a combo deal. I'm missing a piece and my now 31 year old heart and soul is starting to feel it.

All my friends put up pics of them proudly flashing their rings to broadcast their happiness and it got me to seriously thinkin about the importance of that piece of jewelry. Seeing as how I've had serious conversations of a man's WANT to marry ME being the most important part of engagement over anything... how/where it's done or what he slides on to the left ring finger all be damned, but it's really something to have that feeling... no pressure, no shot guns, just good ol fashioned, "I really don't think I can do this life shit well without YOU." Now THAT'S something.

So when my friend who was so blunt to tell me I wasn't the 'rah-rah' girl asked: "Why don't you just propose to him?" I chuckled. After all... the whole reason behind a man proposing to a woman is because it's generally understood that women want to get married. Whereas men need some .... coaching.

When I was first proposed to I was 16 years old. And I don't mean on paper "Will You Marry Me" but he bought a ring, took me to a park and poured out his soul to me and then presented a cute little ring with a tiny diamond for which he spent the whole summer earning hundreds of dollars for. It was the most romantic thing I'd ever seen. I miss that feeling. Miss that want... I still have a poem about it. I cherished that ring for many years. It was the thought behind it, for me... It was simple.classic.elegant and represented a stage of life for us. Simply put: it was quite perfect for a 15 y/o boy to have picked out on his own.

But alas, engagements 1.5 / weddings 0 (the half really doesn't need a paragraph)

I know the history behind the Circle and it's symbolism as it pertains to marriage... I know why men get down on the left knee. But what does the diamond mean? Why is that lil thing so important?? You know the HISTORY of the diamond? A couple years back, a friend of mine got a ring for a Christmas present. A very pretty ring set in white gold with a pink stone and tiny diamond clusters. She's been waiting on her boyfriend to pop the question for a while... Seven yrs in fact. When she showed me the picture I was ecstatic. YAY! He proposed. "Girl, no. That is not an engagement ring."

*swamp sounds* "Well it certainly is pretty." I didn't understand. What was to stop that from being an engagement ring? If you really want to marry someone, but don't have the ends to purchase the ring (his excuse for why he hasn't done it) you want is it so wrong to be nontraditional with certain things? Get creative? What if you have a non-traditional girlfriend? Do you still try to traditionalize the moment or make it something special for the TWO of you. Who cares what society thinks!? ....sorry, tangent.

We spend our money on what we want to... if a man wants to buy an engagement ring he'll make it priority. If he doesn't want to buy an engagement ring, he'll buy shoes and trips and shit... for those fortunate enough to not have a gang of bills (UNlike me lol)... you have the luxury of making your own rules... what's important and what's not. My friend's Facebook status some months back was:

2k11 year of the reality check: If you 25 and older and have been dating someone for 5 years or more and are not engaged to be married... press pause give your relationship a reality check ... don't take 5 years heck don't take 1 but I will give 2 years just to be nice... waste no more time... ppl don't want to hear it but here it is and I am keeping it real....

And this convo developed into something about what else... jewelry (for some reason people always equate wedding to jewelry *smh*) Ex.H.I.T. used to always say to me... "don't take all day to recognize Sunshine..." Now while that relationship was flawed beyond belief... didn't he have a point? I've heard that from various men.. men in my life who've married, men on radio programs, that they know exactly if they want to marry you or not... early! So what does that say about the very long relationships?

The point is.... Now that I am a little older (and exhausted) I am starting to understand that the ring.... well that's easiest part. I'm realizing a man could keep the ring, if only I knew he genuinely loved me so much he wanted to be with me forever, officially. Not with me and continually texting/tickling an ex, not with me but meeting up with random potty-mouth, non-elegant females when I'm not looking... not with me but getting aroused by other means. Just.me. And maybe I'm naive for thinking that's possible... but I don't feel like it. I still feel like it's possible. I feel like I'm there.... just need a lil nudge in the proper direction... perhaps. (The "he" in this example is general.)

Because I'm NOT a "rah-rah" girl...
I have no desire to call or message females and ask them what they're doing texting, sucking or fucking my man. I have no desire to act a fool in public. I have no desire to throw things and yell to resolve conflict. I just wanna be loved. And love in return. I want to be faithful and know he's being faithful to me. I don't wanna act out in spite because he can't get right. *cues TLC's "Creep"*

So that leaves me in Limbo
I know you shouldn't measure success on marriage.... I was just granted quite a prestigious promotion at work, I have two guys who love me every day, solidly, I have a nice house, a truck and bills out the wazoo that I can pay.... most days lol... so why do I feel so incomplete? When life is going fairly well?

This is gonna be my last blog for a while... and my last on marriage as a single woman. Because at the end of the day, while I can't control it being all around me, I can at LEAST try to concentrate on other things... it's not like I ain't got shit goin on! I won't let the idea that I haven't been great enough consume me. Especially when so many non-great people marry every day. lol It's you; not me.

I simply have to remember that what is for me.... will be.

Make up, Workouts, Married Life, and Bills

HELLO!

I am so terrible for the infrequent postings I know. Life gets so busy, but I'm gonna do better to make sure I post at least twice a month. Then maybe.... Just maybe.... people will start replying :-). Aaaanywho, I've been so happy in 2011. Like for real, even with a job on my nerves, owing money I really needed to the IRS, a car accident (little fender bender don't worry) like seriously, I am so at peace with home life, all else just manages to irritate me for the moment and then fall by the wayside. And for that I am thankful.

So that money issue has held up the flight to Florida I was to take with my sun to celebrate my homegirl's kid's birthday. That trip though, had sparked an incessant need to get my body together so I could at LEAST BE THE SAME SIZE I WAS WHEN WE WENT IN 2009. But because I procrastinate I didnt get into the action part of the plan until *checks claendar* 13 days ago. The honey and I kicked off March with Dr. Ian's Fat Smash Detox... And we made it! A fantastic accomplishment seeing as how I bought that book originally like 4-5 years ago and have never successfully completed the detox portion. So mister man, even though it was more work to prepare two sets of vegetarian meals, is like a good luck charm. Perhaps I'll keep him around for a lifetime.

So, because I am a procrastinator (how many times have I mentioned that?) I did not start working out until the seventh. But have been pretty consistent with both the workouts and the eating plan since and I must say I'm feeling a lot like the old fit me already. Even if I don't look like fit me yet ... No really. In fact, my thighs look like a cottage cheese supplier. My goal is to look as good as I begin to feel ... Naked. And working out is like a gift and a curse because I'm still in the very early stages and already my mommy pooch is starting to lessen but that being smaller draws my attention to my thighs and glutes which are laden with fat that looks scrumptious in my jeans, but when I have on a thong they look a mess to me... at certain angles. OH COME ON.. y'all should know by now I'm too confident to admit it ALL looks a mess!!

And that will also help with my Girly Gangster Initiative. "What's that RBG?" Well I am glad you asked. I have several things in place/in the works to get to the Me I will be for the rest of my life. Things on that list include everything from small pieces like applying a little concealer to my imperfections, finding the perfect mascara, pampering myself every now and again, learning how to style my own hair (thanks YouTube) in efforts to look (and more importantly FEEL) great even when I have some new growth, to bigger fish like getting my weight and fitness level in order, keeping my house in tact, and onward and upward in my spirituality and secured family life.

But because I have BILLS out my ears, I have to do all this for the cheap. Which is why I've taken to cheating on my man, and have become a bit of a Groupon slut. And I have several initiatives in place to help me with my goal. Everything from a "congratulations" facial, to the cheapest 2-month gym membership ever (just enough time to dodge the crazy Chicago weather) and then get out on the bike and to some outdoor activities, a free personal training session, massages, nights on the town for me and the family or just the honey or sun and I.... Man.... let's get it in! I refuse to be a fat bride... Oh yeah, "married life" was a a little misleading. But I believe in speaking positivity. And I feel that before 2011 comes to a close, I could be a Mrs. *Barkley auto tune* I may be-I may be wrong...but I doubt it. If for some reason I am, there'll be new things to consider lol... No but seriously. I don't believe in long engagements.

The relationship has been pure awesomeness. We really are fantastic together and I've seen so much growth on both of our parts in the last nearing two years. I could shout for joy when I saw the growth begin to be distributed in the way we act, walk, talk and handle conflict. Yes, I finally feel we are READY for marriage. I admittedly have always been hesitant. So much in fact that when people ask me a out marriage I always tell them, "I believe before two people get married they should perfect their non marital relationship and how they deal with each other FIRST to lessen their chance of further disappointing God's ordinance by getting a divorce." More or less. And I'm proud to say we're there.:-D Mrs. RBG. ...nice ring to it?

I promise to keep in better touch. Live, love laugh!

Upping The Girly Gangster Quotient..... Gangster

Even though my skin is being asstastic... I was sitting around thinking this weekend about how my girl tendencies have just fallen by the wayside. In the past nearing two years at my company, I have not really worn heels as much because I'm always on my feet, walking around and carrying 50-lb bags as a part of the workshops I do... it only took a few months in the position to learn my cute heels and pumps are to stay on the shelves of my shoe closet.

Even my mani/pedi's have trailed off... mostly because of the winter but I vowed to myself this weekend to re-up the girly quotient. I know I've always been a tom boy, but I still had the basic girl qualities: a love of shopping, pretty shoes and handbags, mani/pedis, new hairstyles, gloss shadows, and liners... but since havin Sun (best moment ever) my priorities shifted something crazy... which I mean, in hind sight is good......... but I gotta remember to take care of myself.

I don't remember the last time I went shoe shopping.... I'm wearing the same joints I had for years and that's unlike me.... panties shopping? Sheeeeeesh. For the really pretty expensive sets? YEARS... don't get me wrong, I ain't granny panty-ing it, but I used to stay atop these things. I have decided to stop doing my loc maintenance so much... my roots are tender, but I've also began to play with styles... and I'm gonna buy a foot bath to keep my mani/pedi's up when I'm not being pampered... I need to re-up my eyeshadow game... I've had the same mascara for lord knows how long... I gotta up my Girly Gangster... I am already a tomboy... I can't leave the little girl I have left behind.

Where'd she go? She gotta be around here somewhere.

Must begin to re-embrace the womanly stuff...

F.L.A.G.S.

"I returned to see under the sun that the swift do not have the race, nor the mighty ones the battle... time and unforeseen occurrence befall them all." ~Ecclesiastes 9:11

The race of dating can be very exciting... The green f.l.a.g. signals it's time to start... "and they're off!" Hot and heavy. You can't get enough of each other... you think about each other all throughout the day... you text/call just to say hi, about the happenings of your day, to say good morning/night, send pics of yourself while doing mundane tasks.

"Trying on more shoes! LOL :-)"

It's truly one of the best parts about Love. The newness, the smiles, the laughs, the mindset that nothing else matters at all but you, him and the beauty that is ya'll. Then you start to mellow out. You don't need to chat allll day... since you'll see him when you get off.. you may still say "I love you" at the end of the conversation but only if the mood is right. You're comfortable in your relationship. You're happy. Things aren't roses, butterflies and rainbows everyday but you're content with the progress you're making... little did you know after coasting comfortably through that lap... danger befalls you... yellow f.l.a.g. a problem arises... it could be a variation of things. Something that alters the mood, the chi, the atmosphere and it shakes the comfort zone... makes you wonder how a couple once so in looove could seem like total strangers around each other. You're in the same room not talking to each other... doing anything but in fact. And you don't even know how the hell you got there. It's because you didn't pay attention to the problems people create... the red f.l.a.g.s. when s/he reconnected with an "old friend" who s/he just happened to sleep with once upon a time. While you thought you were growing together s/he was out (re)connecting with people from the past or new b*tches/dudes all together.... and talking to that person for hours on end... 30-40-60 minute conversations... middle of the night phone calls... When s/he stopped having sex with you or complimenting you. When s/he couldn't even tell you what s/he thinks of you... "I think you're great... amazing... even though you get on my nerves sometimes.... I think you're a perfect parent to our child... I think I love you more each day..." anything but silence. When you stopped being friends first and only business partners... splitting the bills but not sharing feelings and having fun together... when s/he accepted a picture of his/her exes genitalia... when you read or found out that s/he still loved him/her...when s/he stopped caring what you thought about things, didn't ask your opinion... when s/he did things to intentionally hurt you... just to get back at you for something. When your grown up relationship felt like you were dating a child who can't open up to you and just have a conversation before they go and act out..... and then by the time those red f.l.a.g.s. appear... you have nowhere to go... you feel like you've wasted time on the wrong person... you discount all the good times you guys had together, someone doesn't wanna work at it to see where things went wrong. And you wave your white f.l.a.g. You quit. You surrender... You bow out. You've given it your best years ... all you had and failed. You're defeated... and before you know it you look up, and someone is waving that checkered f.l.a.g. signaling one last lap... you throw caution into the wind and go for it... and forget the race you just lost for the hope... the faith.... the determination and mindset of finally crossing the finish line.... yet after all your races... STILL unready and unprepared to lose again.

I been in this game for years; it made me a animal. It's rules to this sh*t; I wrote me a manual. A step-by-step booklet for you to get your game on track, not your wig pushed back. ~B.I.G. "10 Crack Commandments"

For the Love of the Almighty, Get Serious!

Hot/Cold, Stop/Go, Yes.... No.

Maybe so.

"Good Afternoooon, Dr. Jekyll because there is no place to Hyde, Big Brother Sir!"
~ A Different World

I always think it's important to take note of how we each have an alter ego. Different egos have different triggers, for some people it's liquor that makes their "crazy" side come out... for others it's weed or another drug of choice... for some it's the reminder of who they used to be. For example, a (wo)man who couldn't be faithful once upon a time but on their best behavior, gets pissed about something their lover does (anything... doesn't even have to be cheating related) and falls back into their old ways. It's a vicious cycle if you allow it to consume you.

We all know the story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? A chilling tale of a seemingly sane and smart man who concocts a potion (aka drug of choice) and with just one swig of it he turns into a monster? Someone outside of himself that no one recognizes? I was thinking today that we all have a little Hyde in us. The question is: what is your concoction trigger?

Today I was having a conversation with my (new) boss... *gasp!* I know, I was shocked too... we do that now... about pregnancy and how much it changed us, for the better. (We both have one toddler son.) She smokes and I asked her how hard it was to give up cigarettes when she was preggers and she said not hard at all.. and I said the same for drinking. I stopped cold turkey and without a second thought because it was what was best for baby... and even before I knew him I loved baby more than everything ... anything. I didn't even take to drinking a glass of red wine here and there because I didn't trust that it was OK. The minute we were done giving birth, however, she and I returned to those same habits. And NOW if I say, "I'm gonna stop drinking for a while" it doesn't stick. I wondered why...

Granted, I'm no alcoholic (wait, isn't that what all alcoholics say!?) I don't need (or consume) a drink in the mornings or to help me function and I can rarely be caught drinking throughout the work week. I am more weekend social... and some weekends I can not drink at all. But when I'm social... I'm social! Then I really sat down to think about it: so was my dad.. when I was a child my father drank on the weekends and sometimes I could sit back and watch liquor change him into a different person... fun one minute, mean as shit the next.. and I wondered how much this played a role in my life today, if any. Now, granted, I don't drink like that when I'm around my sun, but still. Might I one day? Life is still young (hopefully) and I wouldn't want to start.

I love my dad dearly... he was an awesome person overall, inside and out... I am like him in many, many ways... but I don't wanna be like him in that regard. When I was a young teen, my daddy changed his habits after a very scary triple bypass. No more booze, no more smoking and it extended his life... a bit. I still believe to this day, had he not quit when he did he wouldn't have lasted nearly 10 more years. He would have been gone much sooner. From the food he consumed, to the drinks to the cigarettes and the Black man's straight FEAR of the doctor he would have surely left sooner.

So I take this all into consideration when I make my decision... I no longer want to abuse my body with things that cloud my judgment, make me complacent or just don't fill me properly... the phrase "everything in moderation" comes to mind, but people often use that as an excuse to do whatever they please, just don't OVER do it. I must face it... if I'm really to make "daily applications" to be the best RBG... Christ-like... I am going to have to really put things in perspective. I can't base my actions on anyone else's or their lack thereof, for my relationship with God is only mine. Furthermore, I don't want some life-threatening scenario to be what changes my attitude. I want to make the decision on my own accord.

What attitude/behavior is YOUR Mr. Hyde? What will you do to control him?

RBG Note: it took a lot for me to write, let alone post this blog... it's really in truth and transparency. It don't get much realer.

The Emotional Runner

So it happened again... my outside run meltdown. I'd originally started this blog last week but wanted to conduct some research first. But because I am lazy it took substantially longer than it shoulda... but now I know, that, running outside... is liberating.

I am an emotional runner.

Not sure if it's all the endorphins or the sweat... or the view of the lake... or my shin splint that calls me all kinds of Bs and hoes when I'm done, or the runners I trick that I too am a runner when they give me the "what's up" nod and smile thinkin I'm huffin and puffin it out... KNOWIN I just was walking.... but twice now, after my outside run, I've teared up. What the hell is that about? I ran twice this past week and I certainly needed to.

I know running serves as a way to clear your mind... and each time now it has done just that. I did it. It was nice because all while running, listening to myself pant and feeling old muscles I haven't seen or heard from in ages start to ache and burn... I didn't think about anything that ached my heart and mind... things I can't control, things I am uncertain about, things I can't explain, why I can't control what goes into my mouth (or what comes out of it sometimes), why people who've never taken the time to know me hate me so... coming back around my turn and coming off that last incline all my thoughts ran down my cheeks.

And I felt... great.

The tears didn't help me answer any of those questions or qualify anything... but they helped me to release, if only for a moment. My professional week was... an utter disaster. New boss... strong arm approach... makes for a combative RBG...

Boss: I wouldn't call it combative.
RBG: I would.

I respect everybody... until I am given a reason not to. Lying to my face, being intimidated by lil ol me... I can't help it because I have a bubbly personality and (most) of everybody I come into contact with likes me... while people are wondering why you're walkin around the office like a stick's up your butt... people are inviting me to after work affairs... bish get real.

The Queen is here.... Sound the TRUMPETS!

In all seriousness, I'm really harmless (unless you cross me). I've been examining it, from ladies who think I "stole" their man to coworkers who think I'm competing for their raise/promotion... to now bosses who think they can come on my turf and strong arm my respect and just make me do it how you want to... listen up, the LOT of you... I ain't taking NO MO disrespect. We having closed-door conversations from here on out. When I originally decided to publish this thought process into a blog, I was all set to dissect why ya'll feel soooo inferior... but I've decided to digress.

I used to find it funny. But now, I just don't give a f*ck.

"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent."
~Eleanor Roosevelt

Toodles to you b*tches...

~*RBG*~

On To The Next One

"The same way you get 'em, is the same way you lose 'em" ~Soror W.

So I have been hearing story after story of the Alicia Keyes and Swizz Beatz rumors to the point where I finally decided I needed to say my two cents on the matter. And some people ain't gonna like it.






Stop being mad at Alicia Keys!
(Yeah, I said it!)

I just read Mashonda's open letter TwitTM to Alicia Keys about ruining her marriage and I was floored. Why do women always attack the "other" woman? Be it verbally or physically? I will never understand. Speaking AS a woman who has been cheated on, left for another woman, I can honestly say I've never been THAT chick. No Tweets for me. No MySpace or Facebook stalking your life... or lives together.... it's just whatever it is. I may have had some choice words for him, but that's to be expected. He's the one that looked me in MY face, told me he loved me, would never hurt/leave me, blahditty. Mashonda's case a bit different. He was her husband... and apparently they'd been married a long time. Five years in fact. They'd taken vows before God that they would "forsaken all others." Swizz broke that vow... not Alicia. (Now, I am simply giving an example AS IF the rumor they were having an affair is true... I am still not so sure it is.) [Below are actual excerpts of the Twit, from Vibe.com]

"Me and my husband have worked out our differences. We are in a good place as people and as parents. I accept his choices and I am comfortable enough with myself to move on."

Now this the shit I don't get... so your husband, of FIVE years who you just had a son by and you are in a GOOD place... you accept his choices... WHY on earth are you still reaching out to Alicia Keys? Is she not supposed to be happy she's in love/engaged/pregnant? Is she not supposed to talk about her happiness? What explanation or apology or "concern" does she owe you? Like Judge Judy say, she didn't take your vows with you (IF this alleged affair really did take place) HE did.

It's easy to tell the (other) woman, in a nutshell, "yeah um, we still together and happy..... he still come see me, visit me, with me, sleeps with me..... we gettin back together... you're just a side piece... you this or you that..." but most of these scorned wives generally know the score but are gonna tell the other woman whatever she needs to in attempts, to rattle thangs up. Get under the (other) hers skin.

"My concern with AK is no longer the fact that she assisted in destroying a family but that she has the audacity to make these selfish comments about love and wanting to be with someone, even after knowing their situation."

We really don't know WHAT she knew if you really wanna get down to it. For all we know, Alicia Keys could have found out ex-wifey was pregnant via a text sent to Swizz when Keys was on her way out of town/the country. She probably confronted him about it because he didn't mention it and started to do the math and figured in order for her to be pregnant, that would mean they were sleeping together more recently than what Swizz originally told her and now she's a victim of circumstance cause she's head over heels for him and sometimes it's not that easy to walk away from love especially with him saying he still wants to be with her. (This is all hypothetical... I think.) Further, she can't "assist" in destroying a family that was already destroyed. I refuse to believe people walk away from perfectly happy marriages. When it's a well-known fact that MOST people cheat because of some void they feel at home. I just can't see them not having a conversation or three about issues in their marriage.

I'm not judging you, I put you and the whole situation in the hands of God, the Higher Power.

Why do people DO that?! We're all in God's hands way before any transgression. Like we each have some super powers that put our issue in front of the BILLIONS Jehovah has to deal with on a daily basis... always talking God's hands and Karma and all that... when your religion probably doesn't even believe in Karma! Cut that out people!

According to Swizz, in an article on Zimbio, they'd been separated 10 months... how stories can conflict, hunh?

NOW, in NO way am I condoning extramarital affairs. Should I ever find some unsuspecting fool to marry me it is my largest concern cause I truly think men create their own problems with the emotional connections they keep. Setting themselves up for FAILURE. The flesh is weak and as we remember from my last post, the mind controls the body. We already know more than half of marriages fail... we just all go into 'em hoping we'll be apart of the minority.

Mostly, the cataclyst for this blog? I just want people to start taking responsibility for their own shit. No one can destroy your marriage/relationship. We do that on our own. No one can "take" your lover... your lover willingly goes. No one OWES you any sort of respect, concern, or discussion... so just be happy when you get it.

I said I would be continuing to support her career. Nobody wants to look at that sh--. They wanna look at 'Alicia Keys.' That sh-- is ignorant." ~Swizz Beatz

Exactly.. if you gonna look at anybody... look at Swizz! LOL ... but no, forreal.

ONLY Swizz and Alicia know what they were really doing or — for THAT matter — what Swizz was really telling her while they were doing what they were doing, because they can concoct some very elaborate stories, can't they?

All that being said, I hope Alicia watches herself. She may wake up a couple years later with a beautiful seed, finding that her hubz still holds a closer relationship to his ex than she thinks. Scorned wives have a way of trolling their ex's new relationship and just staying on top of it. Because they WANT that relationship to fail. They want someone (specifically her) to experience what they did, even if they SAY they don't. So be leery, girl, of her sending old pics, texting about the good times, pictures of body parts, inappropriate conversations nothing to do with the child, asking him to get her a new wardrobe, hair done, shoes (and not with alimony or child support but out of YA'LLs money) and him ACTUALLY DOING IT, referencing their marriage CONSTANTLY, reliving the engagement and when he bought the ring, all the "remember when?s" and possibly taking your child out with theirs behind your back like THEY'RE a family! Like Sunshine Anderson said, "I heard it ALL before!"

My Soror constanly uses the phrase: "The way you get him is the way you gone lose him."
Sometimes we don't realize how we got 'em.... you just a victim of circumstance. On to the next one...

Sources: maniestopart2.com, thehoodtime.com, dailymail.co.uk, vibe.com, zimbio.com

Get On My Level

"Water seeks its own level." ~ExH.I.T.

Greetings and Salutations! (I've always wanted to "say" that... not sure why.) I come to you a very content woman today as I progress in all facets. Officially 10 pounds lighter, I now can really feel like I am taking steps in the right direction of where my place in this life is going. I am pleased to be making adjustments and doing daily work with someone on my level.

Working as a team is pretty OK, I'm learning... doing away with the selfishness of the past and moving toward a future is healthy and progressive and, I'm learning, a lot of fun. It's nice to stop focusing on the small stuff, and entrust that to Jehovah that he will take care of it in his time, but to keep my mind focused on the big things and keep enjoying where I am in this space and time. I love it. Recently, the mister and I have started working out... together.

"The best way to enhance a relationship is to lead a healthy lifestyle -- as a couple." ~ Jillian (That Deal) Michaels (I adore Jillian... I may have a teeny girl crush on her... teeny.)

It's different and liberating for me to have gone back to leading a healthy lifestyle while in a life with someone... before I've always done it when I kick someone to the curb, get my sexy back as a single girl... then get in a relationship and lose myself in him with date nights, alcohol-infused functions, lazy Saturdays and just being in love and happily fat and all that... so it was nice to get the gumption to return to WW while in a couple, and then see him take an interest in getting himself back young and fit as well. Very cool stuff. Of course now, that adds a bit of pressure for me because EVERYBODY knows men lose weight much faster than we do, so I would be lying if I didn't say, he pushes me because when I want to have a honey bun for breakfast and he chooses Total, I get back on my mental ya dig. Granted, neither of us is (fortunately) anywhere close to being like a gastric candidate or anything, but it's amazing just the energy you get back from doing just a little bit more than you did last week, yesterday... and the different things you have energy for and how it enhances you.

"When you're feeling strong and confident, you also feel a lot sexier—and that'll boost your sex life." ~J. Michaels

I have been getting the baby itch lately... my poor sun wants to see his friends, his cousins, anyone he can to play with... but I cannot, will not, enter into another pregnancy overweight (or unmarried for that matter but mostly overweight) because I just can't keep doing this back and forth anymore with my health. I've got to prove to myself that I AM in control of my own body.
"Make a woman feel like she's the hottest, most feminine person in the world and she'll love you..." I like that one Jillian... to the same effect as women, doing the work to make ourselves healthier and feeling inside that will exude that femininity, brew that sexiness, and we will (more importantly) love OURSELVES... I love myself you guys!!!

I know and understand that there's ways to enjoy life and the things I want in a pair without sacrificing my temple ANY longer. It's just... nice... sure it has it's scary parts and plot twists here and there, but watching the "fairytale" unfold is definitely making me a lot more level-headed.

Photo Source: http://www.geo.uu.nl/fg/palaeogeography/pictures/results_fluvialstyle/02_Meanderende_rivier.jpg

I'm Just Lovin' ME For a Moment

Pardon me... I'm just loving me for a moment this morning.

I woke up this morning to the smell of my conditioned hair...
As I lay in my satin sheets, I noticed the beautiful outline of my vessel.

It came to me...
I am a resurrected vessel... Beautiful. Moving into another level of wholeness. I think I ought to love ME this morning..

Pardon me... I'm just loving ME for a moment this morning

I woke up this morning to the pattern of my own shadow; I cannot only see it but I can appreciate it. If a perfect God can take that much time in molding ME, loving ME, cherishing ME, reshaping ME... then surely I am worth loving me...

Pardon me... I'm just loving ME for a moment this morning

I woke up this morning alone, but not lonely. I got tired of waiting for someone to put ice in my soda, milk in my tea, jam on my biscuits, peas in my rice, and soap on my back.

I am not alone.

I have me.... I have me.... I have ME....
and then I have the omnipresent God who has made me...
When I put the ice in my soda... He stands there observing me...
ready to suggest creative ways to set my table.

Pardon me... I'm just loving ME for a moment this morning

I woke up this morning and beheld the beautiful reflection of a five-foot-something frame; a soft smile, a shiny nose , medium length hair, brown-skinned complexion, and a Biblically perfect shape. I leaned forward and kissed the mirror... "I LOVE YOU, GIRL!" Not because of your external beauty... Not because Mama said you were beautiful... Not because a man told you you were beautiful, NO!

Because God values... YOU!
Because God loves... YOU!
When I look at all your attributes, and I think about what God has predestined you to become... I can only say that I LOVE you..

For all the battles you've conquered...
For the tears you've shed...
For the negative words that shot you down...
For the pain you've overcome...
For the growth you've sustained... I LOVE YOU, Girl..

Pardon me... I'm just loving ME for a moment this morning

~Minister Nina Clark~

Congratulations... ?

yet another ex, jumped the broom.... to someone who's nothing like me.

At some point, I guess I'm going to have to come to terms with some reality:

that....

hmmm, what IS the reality???

TO BE CONTINUED.... *sigh*

Let there be light!

Editor's Note: for best effect, play the song as you read :) lol

"rose, bathed in the light, out of the darkness, utterly new and fresh and..."

I am seeing the beauty beginning to mold again... I was starting to wonder where it had all gone. My swag is back... granted, it never goes far to the naked eye but I was pretty broken... I admit. I was doubting my professional gangsta (oxymoron?) since January when my contract ended abruptly... then I ran into a very... terrible organization that was poorly ran, unethical and a few other choice words that I will avoid...



because if NOTHING else it allowed me to meet some great girls (who I still keep in touch with) who the world had turned its back on and it also kept me housed and mobile by paying my rent and car note... for that, I am thankful. It also gave me more experience on the social services side to move into my new position with a STABLE organization for which I can really, finally see myself growing... I am just so overjoyed.

Because I had the interview of all interviews (a series of them, really) where I was reminded why I've been so arrogant when it comes to what I do. I do it well... and they saw it in me without me saying much at all. This is the job I've been looking for. And I am going to be magnificent at it. And I humbly thank Jehovah God because he looked out for me with this one. And I will keep my word and study his... praise him in happy times. Remember him even when I can't stop smiling or when I'm in tears. For in each, I always need him... and I should let him know it as often as humanly possible.

In other great news, I finally found a daycare!!! *(cue glorious music)* QUITE exciting.. it has everything except for a daily toy sanitize (it's weekly) that I was looking for including but not limited to: a potty regimen, learning curriculum, diverse students (blacks, Latinos, whites and even some Asians), and a clean and fun play/learning environment, close to home with competent, educated staff and a contract that we're comfortable with... of course all his daddy cared about was the price. lol Slightly over budget but we made it do what it do. Thank you lawd!

I've spent the day doing a house deep clean. With the new week upon us, now we should finally be able to embrace it but be ready for it. I am still training so my schedule is pretty set and it looks like I will have to go somewhere sunny for my final training before they release me to the trenches... but I will be ready. I've been doing a lot of research and territory building in my spare time. Truly looking forward to all I can do with this position... can you tell? :)

Tomorrow, the house will be complete (currently doing laundry) when I tackle the desk drawers and the storage area. But for now, I'm about to enjoy some boxing and take in a cocktail while I enjoy coming out of the darkness... the next few weeks will be a little foggy as I try to catch up on everything, but I feel very confident in saying that the sun...

...is out.

Defamation?

Why are you so lame, sis?

It's really not to be rude, but if you can't address me as a woman, putting your name or some other identifiable information, there's really nothing you can say to me that I will really listen to. The first time you stopped by being disrespectful, I posted and even replied in a respectful way... you keep at it. So now you wanna reach out. Your posts are all kind and caring now. Word? When just a few short weeks ago you tried to anonymously jump bad and be coy through posts you hid behind? Then he wasn't a bad guy, right? If I remember correctly, you missed his kiss or something like that... you were remembering the good times. But now, you want me to understand how horribly he treated you... Really? You are laughable, girl! It is seriously this kind of drama grown-ups just don't go through. I am an adult. I ask that you grow up... whoever you are. Part of me wants to help you, because you're clearly very hurt and were left messy from this ordeal or many ordeals. Whatever that ex, or several exes, did clearly has you traumatized. And as a mother (since you keep mentioning you are one) I find your actions deplorable. I don't sympathize nor have the time.

I haven't needed pretty words or bullshit in all this time living, and I certainly don't need them now. All the things you're saying would be better off left said to him or, better, a counselor. Further, if you're slandering his name and he knows who you are, I'd suggest he sue for defamation of character since you're claiming something pretty tough business. I may not like him very much right now, but he's still my brother. You get that? And I definitely don't want some creepy, anonymous... "woman" who speaks big and bad but would rather create fake blogs and names and/or hide behind them trying to give me advice on life, love, motherhood, or anything else. This is indeed my last transmission on the subject.

I ask you kindly, move on away from here.

Well connected to people in IT (to route where messages derive from) and Chicago PD (to arrest) and lawyers (to prosecute) and I've saved all your allegations in case he wants to proceed further. I see you're clearly battered, even when I can't SEE you.

I ask you kindly, move on away from here.

You clearly have several bones you want to pick wid him. He writes daily and surely has a lot to say to you.... ya'll talk. Don't bother talking to me. Perhaps he knows where to find you... or maybe can Google you, and "bring em out, bring em out!" It's hard to write when the Bic pen's in ya mouth.

Seriously, ma... stop stalkin blogs in the middle of the night. Specifically my blog... Or, stalk since you clearly enjoy a fantastic read, but don't bother talking to me, cause your words, testimonies, all that, don't faze me in any decisions I've made... in life. I know you saw my message to you... and my peoples messages to you, but you just browse over the lessons you really need to learn tho. Come at me like a woman and then maybe we can talk, till then you may as well be Charlie Brown's teacher.

I ask you kindly, move on away from here. Seriously. Give it a rest.

Sympathy

"The most unloving thing one can do is fire back at someone they claim to love wid angry words of emotion... just because he/she was hurting." ~ RBG

"You better watch who you beef wid."
~ Can-i-bus

I spoke of PPC yesterday... a man who appeared on paper to be my soul mate. You'd probably noticed, one thing I didn't do was bad mouth him... even though there left lots of room to do so. He was the first boyfriend of mine who was incredibly against a civil dissolution of love. I'd never experienced such anger and humiliation until I saw a bag of garbage thrown across the room just because I was ending our love affair, for just cause. I would experience it a couple times more since then... PPC bad mouthed me to our mutual friend, that I was disloyal and left when he needed me most. Luckily she knew the truth behind it all and knew if nothing else, I was the most loyal... we just weren't as compatible as I would have prayed. And while there was PLENTY I coulda went hard on him about, like real motherlovin problems... I never did. Even when he sent me a return mail (months later, I mailed to see how he was doing and to tell him I missed him and perhaps I could have handled things differently) with the most brutal attacks on my character I have ever read and heard... ever... about.me?

Then there was Blast, the one who put me on blast on his blog because I didn't really see room in my life for a long-distance relationship. He wasn't that bad in comparison... plus he did it in a discreet way where I was the only one who knew what the eff he was talking about. His opinion was that I was missing out on something without at least giving him a shot because of what had happened to me in the past wid LD relationships. He very well could have been right. But if don't nobody else know my mental... I do. And it's best I follow my first mind before I succumb to terms of endearment.

I read in a "friendly" letter yesterday, that someone dear to my heart didn't know whether " to hate (me) or feel sorry for (me)." I can't lie Blogsphere, it stung to hear someone I trusted and believed in, more than he originally believed in himself, to speak to me with a daggerous tongue. Knowing I don't viciously attack anyone... especially him. Knowing he continued a "relationship" for much too long wid someone who hurt him, emotionally attacked him and the foul shit he did in return... reading that let me know, as a best friend, I was not above the anger.

But I digress. He felt sorry for me because I didn't settle for a husband when one was looking me in the face. On a day/night (my father's born day) where every person who cared about me in my life was trying to keep me from being sad, thinking too much, being emotional, crying over my Daddy, reinstilling in me why they love me, because I love life... this friend was feeling sorry for and/or hating me. We already know it takes too much inner-g to hate someone, so I won't spend time on that one. But let's debrief about what is sympathy exactly?

sym⋅pa⋅thy

  /ˈsɪmpəθi/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [sim-puh-thee] noun, plural -thies, adjective –noun

harmony of or agreement in feeling, as between persons or on the part of one person with respect to another.

the harmony of feeling naturally existing between persons of like tastes or opinion or of congenial dispositions.

the fact or power of sharing the feelings of another, esp. in sorrow or trouble; fellow feeling, compassion, or commiseration.

sympathies, a. feelings or impulses of compassion. b. feelings of favor, support, or loyalty: It's hard to tell where your sympathies lie.

favorable or approving accord; favor or approval: He viewed the plan with sympathy and publicly backed it.

agreement, consonance, or accord.

Nice right? Only problem is, he doesn't sympathize he feels sorry.... for.me? That is not nice. Hate is definitely not nice. But I had to examine further. So he feels sorry for me because I thought to work on self before committing to someone. Is this how we weigh personal fulfillment? In the responsibility of another? Cause then how is it personal?

" But Gypsy woman as you approach 30 you will have to set down somewhere, as a mother of (The) wonderful Sun."

Sit down somewhere? As if I am out of control? Or reckless? Say word, friend? I am anything BUT. I've been a great mother to my Sun. A.fucking.great.one. For nearing three years this September. When he was conceived. I walked throughout my pregnancy and did yoga and water aerobics. I stopped drinking, smoking my occasional cigar or even being around second-hand smoke. I had him vaginally, and naturally, and it was the most beautiful moment I've ever experienced. I took him to the doctor on schedule, vaccinated on time, asked the doctors all kindsa "crazy new mom" questions to be on top of my game. Left unstable situations, despite the womanly fear to be alone, because I know what's best for him. I play wid him for at least two hours everyday and some days... hell, many days... are just about him. This life thing, now is just about him. To set(tle) down SOMEWHERE to me suggests settle down anywhere. And THAT my friend, is something the true Mother of the Sun, Dawta of Light, just will never do. Whether I am approaching 30 or 300.

I'm hurt, cause not only do I never attack my friend on what HE should work on, have, be doing at his older age (instead always focusing on what I can fix in self and only being supportive of my friend recognizing potential he failed to see) but it.really... sucks that in a land of so much opportunity, in two thousand and nine, for Pete's sake, a woman who actually leaves her house to physically GO to work for 40 hours a month and still makes more than the standard household income for a single mom (hey, I ain't rich, but TRUST I do aite! and only a few months young in this consulting thang) a woman who owns her own car, has her own home, a woman who pays her bills on time with astonishingly sexy credit score, a woman who raises her sun extremely well given the cards dealt, feeds him nutritious foods, who is conscious, healthy, caring, educated two times over, can be felt sorry for because she doesn't have a husband. Or isn't settling on one. This is bullshit.

And just because I am angry in return I still won't dagger my tongue. That friend was important to me. I truly love him. I still pray for him. But "drunk lips" don't lie... and I know now at least a piece of what he was really thinking when I was emotionally battling what to do about my husband in training. What that judgmental friend clearly will never understand is that it was a hard... extremely hard... decision to make. But I made it for the best interest of everyone. I suggest my old friend, and even my ex-husband in training, take a look at themselves before feeling sorry for me. Like I look at myself... widout ever having the disgusting gall to feel sorry for him.



"People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you will know exactly what to do."
~ Anonymous

I Apologize... I Think.

I apologize you're a lifeless loser wid nothing better to do than ANONYMOUS comment on my blog about a man who doesn't want you anymore.

I am not your problem, dear. In fact, I don't know (or care) about your previous dynamic with him. Because tis just that... previous. And I came along much after. I apologize that you have not found someone new in all this time. Or made things work with that one guy who wanted to wife you. I can tell you they are few and far between so I know your energy is better directed elsewhere.

I think I apologize you couldn't capitalize on his heart when you had access to it. In fact, how dare you get attitudinal with ME when you had three entiyah weeks where we each could have taken or left each other. I would say you chose to not strike while the iron was hot... but let's be real, he prolly wouldn't have welcomed you then either.

I am not your problem. And you know it. I realize he's not taking your calls nor responding to your email and if he is, isn't saying anything you want to hear. I can understand the frustration, well not really... I've never been not wanted by the men I want. But your virtue was blown. Hard to come back from that, even if you had all your marbles.

I am on a different level than you... clearly. Because your ANONYMOUS comments make me giggle. Because even through it all, well, he's satisfied... very much so... and still.here. I understand you think he's your man and I've "stolen" him, but the truth of the matter is, you ruined that union, not me. So I apologize that you need to get real... I think. I feel sorry for you because you really believed you were possibly up next for the throne...

You say it'll be over soon... even if that were true... it definitely wouldn't be because of you. You say his lips are like butter? Whatever the example, much like his eyes, they're only for me. So I hope you savored 'em... do like others of your kind, bottle it up, clench it, hold on to it soooo.veerrrry.tight -- the memory. Think about him when you're sexing dude for all I care... Just realize where you should direct all this crazy... because while I have a sense of humor... several people who love him/me don't. And they itching for me to release the hounds.

When all is said and done, I do believe there is someone for everybody... don't miss your blessing worrying about mine.

Play Your Position

Avoid having your ego so close to your position that when your position falls, your ego goes with it.
~ Colin Powell




I am confident in myself that I don't ever feel the need to backlash the next woman for the insecurities the man she now frequents left on my skin. I have never been a fight for my man kinda female. I think, if the slightest attention from another girl can spawn his disloyalty he wasn't meant worth having... i.e., if it's that easy to take you you weren't mine anyway.

I've noticed that the devil gets busy when he knows you're happy. But I know he's a liar and a hypocrite and a bored loser. Always seeking out to ruin your chi, interrupt your solace and make your peace ineffective. I've armed myself to understand this is how he operates and have built up my defenses. I am happy. And no weapons formed against me shall prosper in ruining that.

Because my happiness is based on a plethora of things, the devil thinkin that he can step in and attack one thing and thereby mess up my world is highly motherfucking improbable. I don't ever intentionally disrespect anyone... never have, never will. It's just not my role in this life. My mother and father raised me as a lady of distinction. I've had a handful of fist fights (all which I've won thanks to my hidden muscular build and stocky frame and love for studying the sweet science) in my life and only then because I really had no choice when Baby was backed into a corner (and nobody backs baby into a corner).

In my wise age, I find it easier to peace myself wid those around me and take a mellow approach to haters, evil doers and just negativity as a whole. Tis how I got to a better place wid my father's family, my sun's father and ultimately the world itself. There will always be haters; I've accepted and move past that... but how haters affect you is a totally different subject. I refuse to let them penetrate me. At all. For if we all played our position, we would never be bewildered of where we stand... thereby keeping confusion at a minimum... tempers low and meditation on life and understanding of self, very, very high. Know who you are before speaking out of turn... more importantly, know who I am.

Onward and upward, forward progression.

Yes.

One Time For Ya Mind...

I'm thinking about detoxing... with every facet of my life pleasing me, my waistline started tryin to grow on me. I am double cursed because I eat when I am distressed and I eat when I get comfortable and happy with certain situations, people, relationships. Now, the comfortability wouldn't be such a bad thing if I was still in my best shape and as active as I once was. But I am working on that. (Which reminds me, I need to buy large index cards... I've started studying and I need the cards so TB and random strangers can help me study.) I am scheduled to take my certification exam on 3/28/09. (Which reminds me, I have to book my room for that Friday. Early morning test in the suburb.. I will not enjoy the ride.) Hmmm, I miss my memory. lol I think I look good at any weight... even when I was sitting at the door of 200 pounds, I thought I was hoooot so even though my lust handles bug me sometimes, the weight really isn't the issue... but mostly what's freaking me out... is how I feel. I miss my energy.

I still have a plenty, for those who know me. Kinda a spit fire... but if you can believe it... I used to have MORE. *suggestive eyebrow raise* I been finding a lot of old photos of "skinny me" lately and I guess I choose that as my sign to get it to friggin gether. I know there's a lot of opinions about detoxing and how it's ineffective and a "waste of time" and unhealthy, but whatever. I've done several safe ones. I'm weird, but I truly believe they rejuvenate you because they have you being one wid your body. They clear your mind, center you and release toxins as you rinse them out.* I guess I just think about how I've felt after them in the past... amazing. And since I already feel great wid everything in my life having greatness behind it... I imagine myself after this one feeling something near euphoric. I mean, really. Cleaner, lighter, brighter skin (after that ugly phase that comes wid detox) and a stronger core and clean palatte to start with as we welcome spring with all her glory and I release the butterfly... 2008 left off so great and 2009 has been magnificent thus far... and I'm gonna keep this peace wid me thru this year and until I leave this earth. (Dramatic, I know... but true.) I enjoy happiness... it feels great to say, "I'm happy" and really, really, really mean it.

Thank you, Jah for all the many blessings you have bestowed upon me thus far.... without your grace, where would I be? My family, my home, my love, my health... thank you. I know now, I am truly worthy

I'm ready to purge and spring clean to be truly truly free of all the yuckiness. Yah!

I wish I had a local buddy, detoxes are always easier wid a backbone, but I've done it solo before. But spring is the best time of the year to do a detox, so I am using that as my inspiration. I'm going to do the often-thought complex Master Cleanse (known in some circles as The Lemonade Diet) for 10-day detoxification. Break for 2-3 days as instructed. Then move into fresh juices and whole foods. 21 days total... then moving into JUST whole foods and high-quality H20... rounding out just in time for my exam. It's fool proof. *nervous face*

No coffee, nor alcohol, no meat, and well... I'll keep you posted! lol


*statements on detoxing are not approved by the FDA and no one should undergo a detox without first consulting his/her physician for guidance and safety

A Woman's Want for Family...

"I snoop(ed) because I needed to verify, not find..." ~ self

There is little that can fuck with a woman's intuition.

I've never been one to snoop. I've done it in two situations in my life antes (before in Spanish)... and I hated having to BUT it was a necessary evil. Because both times I found information necessary to make my next move. Information I would have never been privy to, even though it was my right to know.

I think what hurt the most is that my intuition was always right. Like, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that a relationship changed. Men notice when their woman, who used to bed butt naked comes to bed in a night shirt, and leggings.. when she's not bleeding. Women notice when he comes to bed much after her when he once followed her in to make sure she slept well.

I noticed when he started sleeping on the couch. I was pregnant then. I thought it then, maybe it was because I was snoring... large baby living in your womb will start that unfortunate habit. Then I thought it was because the TV was in the other room. Making every excuse but realizing something changed.

"Some women will put up with anything, just to say they have a husband..." ~ Madea

I always thought this was a powerful quote. For nearly three years I held on to a man who I wanted to marry even though throughout those three years he showed me so many things a husband isn't supposed to do. I realize I expect a lot from the people I date way before I am prepared to give those things in return. I accept, try to make amends and change this fault... however, there are three things when I am in a TRUE couple I will always give from jump: my undivided loyalty, my trust and my respect. Because I want those things off the bat as well.

The point I am tryin to make is, I closed my eyes for a long time... because my want to be a family with the man with whom I conceived a child with overpowered my good sense. A man who plans to make you his Queen does not speak inappropriately to women of his past. He will actually, if he is truly serious, cut all ties with anyone/thing he thinks might hinder that growth. To that same effect, he will not make new friends who will hinder the growth either. He does not put any woman's needs, his mama's even, over yours... well this is really more AFTA you are Queen, but perfect practice makes perfect. He will do whatever is necessary within reason to make sure his home is stable, secure, the Queen is happy and they will have communication abound... trust, love, passion and energy for the other.

It took me months of soul searching to really accept that my relationship did not have the core components for marriage survival... and my ex-mate was not open to counseling or religion as helpful resources to fix things and did not offer other alternatives or solutions on how to save us... instead just pretend nothing was happening... so a woman must... DO.

And THAT'S how she determines she's really ready for a family... when she accepts the fact that it may come in a different package than she originally imagined.

The strength of a woman is unmatched, unparalleled... indescribable. Ladies, keep making the right choices... your King will find you.

Don't Cry... dry your eyes.

I have always been a crier. I cry when I am happy, sad, or angry. It is one of my biggest issues with myself. I don't necessarily see it as a sign of weakness but it would be nice to have sad and angry conversations without the water works. It irritates me, so I know it is probably less than savory for my debate counterpart.

One of my other issues is that I am obsessed with perfection. I know it doesn't exist... I know this, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to be as close to it as possible. In all things, my life, my sun, my relationship, I need it to be just perfect... for me.

I realize now that life is forever different for me with this new blessing (my child) in it. He makes me understand I deserve so much more because all that I am and will be, I give to him now. I made a decision to take a part-time job to be here for him more. Right now, it works for my family, and I appreciate the option to be able to do so.

Things are on their way to perfection...

I am learning to release myself from what's expected of me from friends and family members and pay attention to my own growing family. I firmly believe that one can not truly build on their current holding on to the past. That includes everything from exes, no-nothin-ass friends to pushy family members. You simply can't give your all to your family if your attention is focused elsewhere -- even for a minute. If you don't have it in you to completely rid yourself of those causing issues for your relationship then the possibility of survival is damaging. I'm ready to rid myself of the rest of the excess. I left the exes behind when I got with my partner and now, whoever's left who shouldn't be there because he/she is there without support but only negativity has to go too.

I'm tired of crying. Tired of feeling like no one cares about how I feel. Tired of explaining to people what they did wrong when they are not children. I know when I am doing something I shouldn't and they do too. If we don't own up to the knowledge that we could do things differently to be better people, we're destined to fail.

I've always been an overachiever. For me, failure has never been an option. I have yet to have a successful relationship... praying this one ends in Ozzie and Ruby-type ish, but I know now, that I will put my ALL into it. I will fight for it.. I will wipe off and stuff in blood, sweat and tears and if the second party is just as determined it will be lovely. I think I am there. Hope springs eternal. Failure is no longer an option.

I guess what I am trying to say is, if you're not ready to pass... please remove yourself from me.

Family matters.

(It's fine if this doesn't make sense.)