All the King's horses...

With the passing of Michael Jackson, one of the most wickedly awesome performers of my time... there came great realization that we are not immortal as we once knew we were when we were young, innocent children... when our sins belonged to our parents. I felt sorrow in my heart, like someone I knew -- like KNEW knew -- had passed on. And it concerned me that my youth... as I know it, is over. And death is inevitable and coming... and it will be a surprise.

But let me get it on track .... cause believe it or not, this is NOT to be a post about sadness and death. It is one about revelations and accepting the things we cannot change.

Thanks to Facebook and it's friend suggestions, I was reminded of a homegirl of mine who I lost in 2008... not to death, but to pride. Not my own for a change. I called and called to make amends for not being there when she needed me, but I guess she was done.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty together again.

I couldn't understand why, with someone I had such a history, she could just completely walk away from our friendship without so much as a discussion, a chance for apologies or looking back. The only thing I could assess was that my friendship with her had been a fluke. I mean, my "true" friends and I go through things, people get in their habits but we always come back to center. Something she and I had discussed we would always do.

Life changed for me in 2007, I had the most perfect (albeit very emotionally taxing) pregnancy and birth to my sun... I was emotionally drained by my significant other and the hormonal imbalance it brings. I lost myself in it all and had a hard time resurfacing. In the midst of it all, I lost her. I never thought I could e-v-e-r be that chick that would lose herself in a man that way... one who doesn't want to go out cause she just wants to be under him... afraid to go out of town because she doesn't know what he'll do or who he'll do it with while I'm gone (despite never having an inkling that he was a cheater).... it was just a weird time for me. BUT, when her birthday weekend came and went that was not my reason for not being able to hang out.. but I guess, my not being able to hang for whatever the reasons (I had a feverish baby, a high school reunion and a scheduled fight night all in one weekend) was the straw that broke the camel's back for my previous cancellations, missed call backs and life happenings? I may never get the answer to this question. But one thing rings true, something about me... something I did, altered our friendship for her. Maybe my credibility of a good friend was ruined.. perhaps I seemed dishonest. Perhaps she just didn't want to invest in me anymore. Perhaps...

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty together again.

I spoke to someone... an online friend of mine whom I never met but who knew exH.I.T. from his undergraduate days. And she approached me differently this time... in a "I know we're friends, but I have something to ask you... and I don't want you to get offended..."

I was originally worried... because I had no idea what this person whom I've never had an actual conversation with could "ask" me that I would be offended by... and then his name came up. Her claim was he contacted her (when he'd never really talked to her before) to ask her to "pray" for him and his Queen because they were going through some trouble. I was instantly irritated. Irritated because this woman didn't even know we were. But after that, and going to blogs and basically using an educated mind, she knew I musta been she. (Further, he knew I knew her because I found her through his page... so he knew she would take it back to me. I digress.) She expressed her concerns and then proceeded to enlighten me to some things. And all I can say is sometimes we create bigger problems than our original one by doing something we know we have no business.

*cut* I keep thinking to Kung Fu Panda when Master Shifu sent the palace goose Zeng to the prison to tell the guards to double the security to ensure Tai Lung wouldn't escape as Master Oogway predicted. And in doing so, he sent the feather that ultimately unlocked the villain and sent him on a destructive path right back to the palace to meet his fate with Po, The Dragon Warrior. *end scene*

This isn't the first time he'd approached someone for help with us. And almost every time that bothered someone came to me... like ummmm, why is he talking to me?

I may never have the answer to that question. But to all my friends I apologize. Never in a million years do I EVER want my friends so deep into my business. Hell, I barely tell my mama what's goin on in my relationship. I have a strict policy of what happens in house, stays in house and perform a united front in the public eye when necessary. So for those awkward inconveniences, I deeply apologize.

They tried to push him up
They tried to pull him up
They tried to patch him up
Couldn’t put him back together again.

We are all sent demons and angels. These people guide us through life; these vices help or hinder us at times. They can rear ugly heads in the midst of that oblivious kinda happy. That's what they do. Immediately after MJ sorrow stories, it was an instant jump into his past and the "demons" that haunted him, and what the real nature of his death could be etc. etc. There is hardly ever peace... sometimes even in death. The stories of the pedophile allegations that were settled out of court surfaced, questionable romances and parenting techniques... damn. Sometimes it's important to notice the ANGELS in our life... and focus on them vs. giving the demons any more power. We worry about sooo much other stuff vs. focusing on the GOOD. I am guilty of it too. Worrying all the time that the peace and happiness we witness can't be right... so we look for ways to ruin it. We try to conjure up ways to think how it can fail vs. saying, "you know what? he's with ME... he loves ME..." or "I can pass this test" or... "I am beautiful... no matter what he says" ... you get the point. We're defeated before we even fucking start! Amazing! How can we be our own worst enemy in times of triumph? Just clippin ourselves at the knees, when we were once on a throne, sitting on top of the world.

"And now I sing, sing, sing, sing cause I'm sittin on top of the world!" ~ T.I.

They tried to push him up
They tried to pull him up
They tried to patch him up
Couldn’t put him back together again.

R.I.P. Michel J. Jackson.

I'm a Movement By Myself...

But I'ma force when I got it together. :)

I joined the YMCA today and can't wait to wake up early and go workout! I know it sounds odd... but yeah, that's what it is... I hate New Year's Resolutions... I rarely keep them. So I didn't make any for 2009... but I feel ... different now. Like a plan of action and I are really ready to work together for the first time again since 2006... (OK, that might be a stretch... but you get me.)

List suggestions borrowed from an old Amazon email I got at the beginning of the year...

		Lose Weight I really want to lose some weight/inches and tone up this young stocky frame of mine. To make this happen, I have to seriously take into consideration that there will be work involved. I don't have to be completely pristine in everything I do just yet, but I do need to get the ball rolling. If I am constantly working out, eating healthier, smaller portions will surely come. I am one of those "don't want to ruin my hard work" folks... hence morning workouts despite the fact that I am not a morning person.
		Get Finances in Order My debt has grown substantially since I returned to Chicago. While it sucks big time, I am glad to have a budget ready for it. It's gonna take some meticulous planning and patience, but I'll get it done.
		Go Greener Bought a bike, ride it places I would normally drive. Walk to places where I would normally drive. Reusable grocery bags. 60% organic foods making up my diet... think I'm good here.
		Curb Your Vices *sigh* OK, so I don't have a drinking problem. No, really, I don't. I stopped for a whole nine months when pregnant, but I could go to trim down some of the alcoholic beverage consumption. I also overeat like a mofo. I eat things I shouldn't and feel like crap afterwards. I need to accept that I use food as a vice. When I am happy, I eat, when I am sad, I eat... when I am hormonal, I eat. You dig?
		Get in Shape Directly correlated with number one... yet people rarely understand that. You can be the skinniest, smallest person in the world and still be extremely out of shape. Getting well is a 360 degree process of determination. We must shed, tone AND build our endurance. I will... This will need cardio and strength training and good food fuel.
		Relax More This is so much easier than done. But I am working on it... I am in the process of putting together my meditation corner and closet sketches to get that project underway to have a quiet corner to enjoy a girly movie, soak my feet (I need to get a new one of them joints in the picture), listen to some jazz, study, meditate while burning candles... real hip stuff... I'ma take pictures. It's gone be awesome.
		Pursue a New Career You guys already know my job situation and hell, the job situation of something like 58% of our population? Or has it grown? So I have begun to really, really focus on getting my business(es) off the ground. I realize I am often all over the place, but the last month has been pretty forward progress. The way I feel, marketing or fitness, the sky is the limit.. I just need to get my drive in order and control this laze. I hate to use being a mom as an excuse, so even though I have become seriously engulfed in my child, it's up to me to not let Momhood consume me. My schedule IS crazy, but hey, he is the reason why I HAVE to get it together... And sooner rather than later. Hell, he's expensive. So even though the economy's kickin butt and taking names right now, I am thankful I have some marketable skills to get me through the summer. Reently I've been sought out for three contract jobs... all of which I accepted and I am also FINALLY studying... for real this time! :) "Scared (money) don't make no money!"
		Upgrade Your Technology Um, well new technology costs money and I just cut up my credit cards, so if I can't buy it outright I can't get it. BUT I do have a wonderful year-old MacBook Pro, just got an iPod Touch for Mom Day, I bought a 42" TV for Christmas and my 37" just made it back into the house and Rj's 27" is still ticking... electronics and appliances are all up to date and code. I could use a new cordless telephone... lil ol Panasonic is at LEAST a decade old but she holds on anyhow... trust me, buying quality electronics is worth the extra money... The Sun has brought down that big Panasonic TV twice and it's still holding on at five years old.
		Organize and Optimize The workout closet was my first project... now that that is complete, I must move on to the clothes closet (my house while fabulous has terrible closet space) and then I still really need to get my desk in order too... I haven't really went through the papers and things like I should. Though I did do a lot of damage at spring cleaning...
		Start a New Hobby Um, still working on this one since crocheting went to shit... lol Sewing maybe? It's sexy to make your own shit... or so I hear. hahaha!!

Past and Present... Tense.

First, hello to my new followers... I hope you find something of interest here. :)

Secondly, allow me to apologize for my absence on this space. I have been more active on my business blog than this one and for that, I am sorry. I needed a breather from the madness that was trying to take over... here. Life has been swell. So much has happened so allow me to synop, sis.

"We were together... living as one. Until something happened... One day our love was gone. Always seems to be, something in the past. That won't let us last...."
~ One Way ft. Al Hudson

I love this song... it is so fitting for this post.

Yesterday is the past... We always use the past as some sort of evil conduit to remind us why we left someone... and the question now is, why dwell on it. Why not get over it and move "past" the past? Isn't it worth it to live for today? About a month ago, I read some disturbing, yet familiar, information. I found out that my exH.I.T. had met up with an ex who he had described to me as nothing short of Satan. They sat in the park, smiling and reminiscing about the good times while they sought clarity on their relationship and made nice. And he said they would always be friends. Then in a retraction after my questions of confusion, told me that indeed they were not friends and it was a mistake to call her etc. etc. I know he's going through a lot emotionally, so this is not a post to bash him, or examine credibility or trust or whatever, but instead to discuss how it spawned me to search for my own clarity.

I really had to evaluate everything that got me to where I was at that moment... I thought of how my sun was that day on the porch, and I called back my co-parent to finish a tabled discussion on ... friendship, love, life and the pursuit of a happy family. We laughed, we didn't cry, we were honest and forthcoming. He sat on my couch and we were comfortable. It made me wonder if a couple of people who were so detrimental and evil to each other could come to center to talk and be friends after slight violence, rudeness, infidelity, lies, utmost disloyalty, and utter hurt and disappointment could meet in the park and be friends, surely my friend/relationship of 23 years that only failed due to exhaustion, stubbornness and loneliness could be salvaged in some shape or form.

Tomorrow is the future... who knows what will become of the relationships, marriages we enter into. I was discussing all the possibilities with my homegirl LovelyLox and I said to her, that I really wish I knew sometimes how it all will play out. She answered with about the most insightful answer I could ask for, "however you want it to." She's right. The truth of the matter is, just about everything can be worked out between two people who have about 85% of their shit together if those two are forgiving partners, are two people willing to work at it, and two people who know they aren't perfect. The problem lies when we get tired.... do we still want to fight for what it is we know is right. What we want. Nervousness and fear... they will try to stifle us... haters, people who want to wish us harm will try to ruin us... the devil will be busy. He/she always got something to do

But maybe exHit had the right idea... return to the source. See what lies there... perhaps you will find the friend who will be there forever. no...matter... what...

He once (well always really) told me that any man who didn't fight for me was a fool... he was right.


But today is a gift. That's why we call it, the present... my sun recently celebrated commencing his second year on this earth. It makes me, overjoyed to know that I have been able to bask in his presence for two years. He amazes me daily, loves me wholeheartedly and unconditionally, and likewise I would do anything for him. He has shown me, single-handedly what "real love" is. I thank God for him. For his birthday, we kept it very low-key. No party, no cake, no candles... just us. We went to the zoo, we went clothes shopping, we went toys shopping, he played with his cousins, his sister, we ordered in food, he took pictures... he had a very full enjoyable weekend. So much that on his birthday (Monday) he was in bed by 8 p.m. and slept all night. Wore out... but enjoyed every minute. And so did we. It was awesome... Toddlerville is an interesting venture in itself. My little baby is now a child, who is growing so rapidly. It seems like just yesterday I was brewing him in my womb.... and now here he is a big boy, talkin back to me and gettin into all kindsa trouble from jumpin off pillows to the hardwood almost crackin teeth to peeing on the floor DESPITE knowing where "the pot" is and that he is supposed to use it... aye, potty training could be a post all its own. But in all his toddlerness, he fills our lives with so much joy.... and that alone is worth celebrating.

My family may not be perfect... but it is mine. And it will be fine. Because I choose to put myself out there.. I've, as I always advise my friends, loved ones, exHit to do... taken time to get myself together... feel like myself again... examine my faults, strengths and weaknesses... and I'm ready to move forward, lay it all on the line and put the past where it should be.... behind me. Behind us. Tucked away never to be spoken of again...

"Don't bring it up, don't bring it up... don't keep bringing up the past."

*SIGH*

Let's examine who you really mad at....

Chyle, you took me to a place I hadn't been in a WHILE! lol

I remember it well... quite scary. I'm glad for growth though... I'm better now. I hope you feel better too... for the record, I did send you a chat request... perhaps we can talk more when you calm down.

Unhappiness Breeds Haters

That is all. That is why I will never be one... a hater that is. Cause I stays happy. :-)

And I stay attracting haters and problematic people... leave me alone, losers! lolol

And stop stalkin! If a (wo)man wants you, you won't have to stalk Twitter, Facebook, nothing... he or she will CALL you! There's an idea. Doy.

Don't haters just make you wan yell: "Get your ass outta here with that dumb stuff!" ??

Or is that just me?

Simply Put...

OK, so I kinda AM my hair... who woulda thunk it?! :) One year down... a lifetime to go.

Happy Lociversary to moi!