My Time....

Life is too short.... don't waste anymore time on fake friendships, old lovers with bad intentions, negativity or stress. Choose to surround yourself with people who are loyal to you, to whom your happiness is important and don't treat you as a second choice.

It's hard for me to see someone in the same light when I am slighted or wronged. Don't hold grudges but move on and learn from it, instead.

RBG PSA

We interrupt this blog gap to bring you this RBG Public Service Announcement:

Ladies, if he omits the little things because he don't wanna hear your mouth... the big things don't stand a f*ckin chance. In his head, you're not his wife. You're not even his best friend.

Real talk.

The Lie of Omission:

A lie of omission is to remain silent when ethical behavior calls for one to speak up. A lie of omission is a method of deception and duplicity that uses the technique of simply remaining silent when speaking the truth would significantly alter the other person's capacity to make an informed decision.

Word.

This LIFE....is what you make it.

RBG Note: This is a blog originally started on March 21... and never finished or posted. It infuses stories from about 3 other unfinished pieces since then (see ya'll, I am often compelled to write, I just don't finish most of the time).

As I sat down at my uncle's 60th birthday celebration, Future by my side I smiled and began to think THIS is the year my life begins to change. For the better. I felt it then. I feel it today. Every day I'm smiling (with the exception of these last couple depressed weeks). I don't take the non-serious things as serious. I am finding fulfillment in everything around me and if there IS none, I'm deading the situation and placing myself in a better one. I am claiming the happiness I want and taking it for myself. Speaking up for it, fighting for it if I must. Showing the problems, the Devil, my adversity who's boss. I finally feel GROWN.

Don't get me wrong, I have always been full grown, but now that I understand how to BE grown, it's like the newest level of grown there is. And I adore it. While going to drop off my truck in the body shop a couple weeks back an old familiar tune played through my speakers. Oh how I miss Dave Hollister. His lil deep hood tunes that I couldn't really connect with so much then, I feel to my core now. I understand what he was singing about...

"Seeing you reminds me of, all the nights I useta beat it up...I would do it again, but I can't. See everything is different now, I done finally settled down.. I became a one-woman man." ~D. Hollister

There comes a time in every relationship where the people who comprise it want to do right and be right within that relationship........... right? I realize we have different experiences with every person... well I have finally accepted that now... after a conversation with my dear friend and Frat brother. We were talking about exes and I asked did he think it would be DIFFICULT to let go of an ex you had such an extensive of a history when you have such a positive future in your presence.

“That is what makes it difficult to completely release people you truly have loved because there is a small list of things that only that person can really do well for you no matter what anyone else does. And nobody on earth will ever understand it except you and that person…” ~Blue

I have spent my adult dating life trying to be everything for the man I'm with... and I realized today that's not gonna happen. I must accept that my Future is going to have memories of past... as am I... especially if there's a child involved but more so when you were in love.... like really in love... it may be harder to let go than we like to put on or admit. But I'm glad to be at D. Hollister status.... where a person can remind us of good times but we remember what we have at home... and how we want to build on that before we text back, flirt back, call or fuck.. when do we get to THAT level? What we gotta do to STAY there?

Cause um grown... I ain't letting NOBODY mess this life up. You either in it to win it or you gotta get gone too... by any means necessary...

"ANYBODY can get it... in.this.bitch!" LOL (Reference: I Wanna Work for Diddy)

*walks off singing* My life, my life, my life my life... in the sunshine!

#notsorandom

Live As if You'll Die Today

So that you can live for others....

"I will live for mine." ~Future

It's amazing the thoughts and ideas a simple picture or thought or person can trigger.

"...Cry for me, cry for me
You said you'd die for me

Give to me, give to me
Why won't you live for me?"

~ Ex-Factor Lauryn Hill

I useta often think to myself why men would always say, "I would die for you"... but couldn't be faithful. My thought was being faithful and always showing respect to me in my presence and when I'm nowhere to be found or not listening is a helluva lot easier than taking a bullet or a shank to the neck... and hell I'm ride or die so hopefully we can double team a ni**a and both come out alive if attacked and be ready to have passionate sexy time because of the adrenaline rush directly afta. So let's just both live (and live right) for each other and see what that do... because heartbreak is a tortuous "death"... bullets are (usually) quick and painless.

Over the summer, I saw the statement "I will live for mine" in my honey's status message and was literally brought to tears... though I'll never tell him. Hell, knowing him he probably wasn't even talking about me lol... but it's the little things like that that would let me know how much we've grown even if sometimes it wasn't at the same time. "A (wo)man grows in his own time..."

But those realizations made me want to live and love through those difficult days that all relationships grow through and be there to see the beautiful aftermath and laugh about it later. I live for my family. Every decision I make professionally, personally, I think how it will affect my home and my livelihood... it's something that's come second nature to me as I mature in my self, my love and my ways...

I've been thinking about a clean slate... giving my family a fresh start, a new life... I keep dreaming of better opportunities and better school systems and being financially stable. No longer living practically check-to-check. Yep, I can see my happy household of two parents in jobs they enjoy and that appreciate them... smiles all day everyday because our minds are fed, are souls are steady and taken care of... we need to be in an environment that supports this Movement.

I'm giving myself 6 months to really make some opportunities bloom for us... and away we go.

Author's Note: This post was originally written on 7/13/10 and never published... it has been edited and revised.

Hot/Cold, Stop/Go, Yes.... No.

Maybe so.

"Good Afternoooon, Dr. Jekyll because there is no place to Hyde, Big Brother Sir!"
~ A Different World

I always think it's important to take note of how we each have an alter ego. Different egos have different triggers, for some people it's liquor that makes their "crazy" side come out... for others it's weed or another drug of choice... for some it's the reminder of who they used to be. For example, a (wo)man who couldn't be faithful once upon a time but on their best behavior, gets pissed about something their lover does (anything... doesn't even have to be cheating related) and falls back into their old ways. It's a vicious cycle if you allow it to consume you.

We all know the story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? A chilling tale of a seemingly sane and smart man who concocts a potion (aka drug of choice) and with just one swig of it he turns into a monster? Someone outside of himself that no one recognizes? I was thinking today that we all have a little Hyde in us. The question is: what is your concoction trigger?

Today I was having a conversation with my (new) boss... *gasp!* I know, I was shocked too... we do that now... about pregnancy and how much it changed us, for the better. (We both have one toddler son.) She smokes and I asked her how hard it was to give up cigarettes when she was preggers and she said not hard at all.. and I said the same for drinking. I stopped cold turkey and without a second thought because it was what was best for baby... and even before I knew him I loved baby more than everything ... anything. I didn't even take to drinking a glass of red wine here and there because I didn't trust that it was OK. The minute we were done giving birth, however, she and I returned to those same habits. And NOW if I say, "I'm gonna stop drinking for a while" it doesn't stick. I wondered why...

Granted, I'm no alcoholic (wait, isn't that what all alcoholics say!?) I don't need (or consume) a drink in the mornings or to help me function and I can rarely be caught drinking throughout the work week. I am more weekend social... and some weekends I can not drink at all. But when I'm social... I'm social! Then I really sat down to think about it: so was my dad.. when I was a child my father drank on the weekends and sometimes I could sit back and watch liquor change him into a different person... fun one minute, mean as shit the next.. and I wondered how much this played a role in my life today, if any. Now, granted, I don't drink like that when I'm around my sun, but still. Might I one day? Life is still young (hopefully) and I wouldn't want to start.

I love my dad dearly... he was an awesome person overall, inside and out... I am like him in many, many ways... but I don't wanna be like him in that regard. When I was a young teen, my daddy changed his habits after a very scary triple bypass. No more booze, no more smoking and it extended his life... a bit. I still believe to this day, had he not quit when he did he wouldn't have lasted nearly 10 more years. He would have been gone much sooner. From the food he consumed, to the drinks to the cigarettes and the Black man's straight FEAR of the doctor he would have surely left sooner.

So I take this all into consideration when I make my decision... I no longer want to abuse my body with things that cloud my judgment, make me complacent or just don't fill me properly... the phrase "everything in moderation" comes to mind, but people often use that as an excuse to do whatever they please, just don't OVER do it. I must face it... if I'm really to make "daily applications" to be the best RBG... Christ-like... I am going to have to really put things in perspective. I can't base my actions on anyone else's or their lack thereof, for my relationship with God is only mine. Furthermore, I don't want some life-threatening scenario to be what changes my attitude. I want to make the decision on my own accord.

What attitude/behavior is YOUR Mr. Hyde? What will you do to control him?

RBG Note: it took a lot for me to write, let alone post this blog... it's really in truth and transparency. It don't get much realer.

The Tangled Web

"Oh what a tangled web we weave, When first we practice to deceive!"

~Sir Walter Scott

My homeboy is finally... finally preparing to pop the question to his long-time girlfriend and the mother of his child. And as awesome as that news is, he's got a bit of a problem. His ex-wife and mother of his first child. She is not taking his recent change of heart well... well, because up until he had this change of heart he was still very much doing inappropriate things with her. Not sex. At least not that he's told me about. (And I'm 85% sure he would've shared that) but other things like texting her he wants her "sooo bad" when he and the Mrs. haven't had sex for a few days. Or paying for her hair do/outfit, just because. Or doing family activities with their child and his child by his girl (WITHOUT his girl).... so when he finally decided to change his order... she changed her attitude. All of a sudden, the things he does aren't good enough.... the way he SHOULD have been interacting with her before, that he's NOW finally doing is unacceptable, because she's not used to it... because it's proper. And HE seems confused that she's trippin. lol

You.Know.Gatdamn.Well!

He's told me to my face that he knows things would never work with this girl, so my question to him would be well why on earth do you get her hopes up and do things that make her think you're SO unhappy with your relationship? Let him be irritated with the Mrs. you can definitely catch him texting her that he wished he'd stopped by after work before coming home. Like, do you think that's RIGHT? (It's not.) Why do you let her text you pictures of herself when she knows you're with someone? Not your kid, but her. Now, *I* respond to inappropriate texts/picture mails with silence... nothing makes it clearer. Some people ask their culprit to stop / not do that. But HE replies with "Well, don't you look great" or "Nice!" You can't be sending mixed signals and shit and then wonder why she's mad you're finally concentrating on your family, where your head should have been the whole time. And don't have cheated on her or been a ho when ya'll were together... because she's gonna suspect that you're still a ho, and that your behavior is in your nature. So when you do un-ho / changed man-like things, she's confused.

I write this blog not to scold my boy (really) but just as a message that we DO create our own problems a lot of the time. A frat brother of mine who recently found out he had another son by a new BM, had a similar story to tell. We were discussing how his new BM felt about the way he treated HER (not his new son) but her, and that he had to break it down to her.

"(New BM) says I used to be sweet and patient. I told her I still am...just aint finna talk and deal with whatif's. (That was) part of my gross mistake with (Ex-Girlfriend) and why it took/is taking so long to rectify. (My inability to separate the two) is part of the reason me and (Original BM) couldn't be in the same room with each other for years... You can't serve two masters. You either in or out. Gonna learn from my mistakes..."

Well!

My boy could take a lesson from this. He is CONSTANTLY doing what ifs with his ex wife... constantly. She'll text about, "remember when we got married?" "Remember when you bought my ring?" Of course he remembers! He was there. Entertaining these kinds of conversations and going back down memory lane are never any good for anyone... unless of course you want to be back with someone. Sends the wrong message. And it's important to learn this early... before he gets married (if that's what he really wants to do) so he continues to send a congruent message that he's all about his family and his (future) wife. That doesn't mean his relationship with the ex is over... of course not. They have a kid. But their relationship is supposed to change.

It has to change.

"We parents... ain't gone be nothing more and I ain't finna talk bout us or what happened or any of that. We have set times and communication. Can't move on if we still wondering."

This relates back to one of my posts (if not several).... eventually we're all going to have to pick a path. And do what is necessary to make that path work. You simply cannot, to use my frat brother's words, "serve two masters" because it's gonna come back to bite you. Hard. Where are you going to lay your head? Where are you going to exhaust your energy and time? Let that be one place. Send a congruent message to your ex. EX-communicate the bullshit. Because it does nothing but create bigger problems when you've had your epiphany. Don't let the past stifle a future.

Keep growing, my friends! The life that awaits is fantastic! Trust me... we full grown!

Finding The GRAY Area

Friday I asked my boss (who I admonish as my mentor pretty much) what he thought I needed to be able to go for a director position within a year (my own timeline not a proposed one) and he told me I was the total package... IF I could stop looking at things in black and white. He said I needed to learn that every problem person has something we dislike about them, something we can learn from them and something we can use. He says I am the type of person who will completely box someone for the wrong they've done instead of looking at what about that person I can use to help me excel. And that can make or break me in Corporate America. (That was a synopsis) I thought about this long and hard... and he's right. Case in point, with a situation at work... a colleague has been lying on me and to me, profusely and adamantly. And instead of defending myself by demanding a meeting of the minds, I just allowed her to say what she thought she must. Now, I did confront her more than once on the subject but she always denied it to my face and went behind me and did the same thing. MY logic was that, the people she was lying to should know me and my work ethic and if they choose to believe that despite what they see me doing everyday then that's on them as adult professionals.

But as for HER, she is officially dead to me. Even though I think she is outstanding at what she does (even if I now question if her way to get to the top is as amoral as she is) I know she will also stab me in the back at any moment she gets. This caused me to think about how I (simply) am. I have done this before with several people with a "That's just how he/she is" approach. Some of my old friends and even my mates. I will not hesitate to put you in a box. "I know she's a little crazy sometimes but she's really cool when she wants to be." "Yeah she's kinda a ho a bit wild, but she's a good person and super fun." "He DOES love me, but will flirty text his ex-wife / ex-girlfriend or just stop by her house without me knowing after work 'for the child'." I mean... it happens. And I have no one to blame but myself for keeping these toxic people in my lives for so long. And it really boils down to a lack of trust... I don't trust many people... what's that saying, "keep your friends close and your enemies even closer?" Perhaps that plays a role here. I don't want you near me and look for proper exit strategies when I feel I am being mistreated. I'm tiiiiired, Blog World. What makes someone who claims to respect ME and have love for ME show such blatant disrespect the minute s/he thinks I'm not looking?

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING!

I DO! And then having you smiling in my face telling me you like me, respect my work ethic, LOVE me, are happy with me, wanna be with/marry me, are looking out for me just makes me lose respect for you... as a human being. I wouldn't do that to you. I WON'T do that to someone... not someone I claim to care about and/or respect. Not someone I claim to Love... which brings me to my next point....

Is "Love" Simply a Four-Letter Word?

I used to get really pissed when I heard "love is just a four-letter word" but maybe I've been wrong. People say it so easily. We say we love Jehovah yet we don't live how He would want us to. I've seen a woman who claims to serve Jehovah and be baptized try to break up happy homes because she's so miserable and her ex man let's her. We say we love our jobs but fake sick to take a day off and constantly look for the next best thing. We say we love our mates but constantly create friction with infidelity and unfaithful nature. Instead of maybe saying, "you know what, I love you and someone else and have NO idea how to choose and don't want to... and I give false hope to this one (and you as well) because I have you both thinking I love you very much. Furthermore, s/he and I are gonna snicker when we're all in the presence of each other because s/he and I think you don't know that we flirt when you're not looking." It's not that hard... is it? What causes people to forget that LOVE is a serious emotion that should not be taken lightly. Can you love two people at one time? Absolutely. But at some point we have to choose. You're not making a CHOICE and by playing both sides of the emotional field you are figuratively killing your family. Can you live without a religion? Sure, but at some point you're going to have to CHOOSE to live by the Bible or suffer the consequences. Can you work with someone you hate? Most definitely, but at some point you're going to have to CHOOSE how you interact with them. Is everything worth demanding a meeting of the minds? I'm starting to think I take that "sit back and see" approach too much.

Instead of demanding answers of my coworker, I decided to "see" would she change, what would happen and it lead me to transferring offices. The same could be said for relationships... except in those I waited to see if Jehovah would bless the union/make him see what he had... each situation doesn't require me to do much... but try to exercise patience. A conversation on patience over the weekend led me to realize I'm not very patient... but clearly judging from this I have more patience than I thought. But this is where I fail. Because trouble is finding me again... even though I changed my location... even though I changed my order.

I must find this gray area... because black or white is destroying me. I need to venture out of my comfort zone if I'm going to be victorious. (And I always win.) I suppose I should start with demanding a meeting of the minds...

But I know myself... I don't wanna nut up and flip out on someone's gray area.

On To The Next One

"The same way you get 'em, is the same way you lose 'em" ~Soror W.

So I have been hearing story after story of the Alicia Keyes and Swizz Beatz rumors to the point where I finally decided I needed to say my two cents on the matter. And some people ain't gonna like it.






Stop being mad at Alicia Keys!
(Yeah, I said it!)

I just read Mashonda's open letter TwitTM to Alicia Keys about ruining her marriage and I was floored. Why do women always attack the "other" woman? Be it verbally or physically? I will never understand. Speaking AS a woman who has been cheated on, left for another woman, I can honestly say I've never been THAT chick. No Tweets for me. No MySpace or Facebook stalking your life... or lives together.... it's just whatever it is. I may have had some choice words for him, but that's to be expected. He's the one that looked me in MY face, told me he loved me, would never hurt/leave me, blahditty. Mashonda's case a bit different. He was her husband... and apparently they'd been married a long time. Five years in fact. They'd taken vows before God that they would "forsaken all others." Swizz broke that vow... not Alicia. (Now, I am simply giving an example AS IF the rumor they were having an affair is true... I am still not so sure it is.) [Below are actual excerpts of the Twit, from Vibe.com]

"Me and my husband have worked out our differences. We are in a good place as people and as parents. I accept his choices and I am comfortable enough with myself to move on."

Now this the shit I don't get... so your husband, of FIVE years who you just had a son by and you are in a GOOD place... you accept his choices... WHY on earth are you still reaching out to Alicia Keys? Is she not supposed to be happy she's in love/engaged/pregnant? Is she not supposed to talk about her happiness? What explanation or apology or "concern" does she owe you? Like Judge Judy say, she didn't take your vows with you (IF this alleged affair really did take place) HE did.

It's easy to tell the (other) woman, in a nutshell, "yeah um, we still together and happy..... he still come see me, visit me, with me, sleeps with me..... we gettin back together... you're just a side piece... you this or you that..." but most of these scorned wives generally know the score but are gonna tell the other woman whatever she needs to in attempts, to rattle thangs up. Get under the (other) hers skin.

"My concern with AK is no longer the fact that she assisted in destroying a family but that she has the audacity to make these selfish comments about love and wanting to be with someone, even after knowing their situation."

We really don't know WHAT she knew if you really wanna get down to it. For all we know, Alicia Keys could have found out ex-wifey was pregnant via a text sent to Swizz when Keys was on her way out of town/the country. She probably confronted him about it because he didn't mention it and started to do the math and figured in order for her to be pregnant, that would mean they were sleeping together more recently than what Swizz originally told her and now she's a victim of circumstance cause she's head over heels for him and sometimes it's not that easy to walk away from love especially with him saying he still wants to be with her. (This is all hypothetical... I think.) Further, she can't "assist" in destroying a family that was already destroyed. I refuse to believe people walk away from perfectly happy marriages. When it's a well-known fact that MOST people cheat because of some void they feel at home. I just can't see them not having a conversation or three about issues in their marriage.

I'm not judging you, I put you and the whole situation in the hands of God, the Higher Power.

Why do people DO that?! We're all in God's hands way before any transgression. Like we each have some super powers that put our issue in front of the BILLIONS Jehovah has to deal with on a daily basis... always talking God's hands and Karma and all that... when your religion probably doesn't even believe in Karma! Cut that out people!

According to Swizz, in an article on Zimbio, they'd been separated 10 months... how stories can conflict, hunh?

NOW, in NO way am I condoning extramarital affairs. Should I ever find some unsuspecting fool to marry me it is my largest concern cause I truly think men create their own problems with the emotional connections they keep. Setting themselves up for FAILURE. The flesh is weak and as we remember from my last post, the mind controls the body. We already know more than half of marriages fail... we just all go into 'em hoping we'll be apart of the minority.

Mostly, the cataclyst for this blog? I just want people to start taking responsibility for their own shit. No one can destroy your marriage/relationship. We do that on our own. No one can "take" your lover... your lover willingly goes. No one OWES you any sort of respect, concern, or discussion... so just be happy when you get it.

I said I would be continuing to support her career. Nobody wants to look at that sh--. They wanna look at 'Alicia Keys.' That sh-- is ignorant." ~Swizz Beatz

Exactly.. if you gonna look at anybody... look at Swizz! LOL ... but no, forreal.

ONLY Swizz and Alicia know what they were really doing or — for THAT matter — what Swizz was really telling her while they were doing what they were doing, because they can concoct some very elaborate stories, can't they?

All that being said, I hope Alicia watches herself. She may wake up a couple years later with a beautiful seed, finding that her hubz still holds a closer relationship to his ex than she thinks. Scorned wives have a way of trolling their ex's new relationship and just staying on top of it. Because they WANT that relationship to fail. They want someone (specifically her) to experience what they did, even if they SAY they don't. So be leery, girl, of her sending old pics, texting about the good times, pictures of body parts, inappropriate conversations nothing to do with the child, asking him to get her a new wardrobe, hair done, shoes (and not with alimony or child support but out of YA'LLs money) and him ACTUALLY DOING IT, referencing their marriage CONSTANTLY, reliving the engagement and when he bought the ring, all the "remember when?s" and possibly taking your child out with theirs behind your back like THEY'RE a family! Like Sunshine Anderson said, "I heard it ALL before!"

My Soror constanly uses the phrase: "The way you get him is the way you gone lose him."
Sometimes we don't realize how we got 'em.... you just a victim of circumstance. On to the next one...

Sources: maniestopart2.com, thehoodtime.com, dailymail.co.uk, vibe.com, zimbio.com

Growing Nowhere Fast

(random thoughts from various situations I've witnessed over the past couple weeks)

We smile at each other, and kiss like we mean it...
Right before we secret text and email anotha of how we miss her... wanna see her... wish we could be with her.
The person we'd be perfect for If he wasn't stuck with you..
I keep thinking we're growing, but we're going nowhere fast.
You can pray to Jehovah all you want, but nothing will change until you make the decision... to change.
He is all powerful, but the will to do well has to be there.
We call what we have fate, but fate can't even keep our minds on only each other... so what are we really doing here... anyway?
I'm tired of relationships failing due to selfishness, yet, I've been through so much, I now want to try my hand at selfish.
The hope for future is... fucked.
Every time I see the lies after I think we're doing so well... what is it that you want? Explain it to me.
Why are you with ME? When you miss her so? Want to be with her so? Lie to me about her... so?
I'm in my relationship and you in yours, yet you speak so heartfelt to each other when our mates turns their necks... this is bullshit.. and I'm so sad cause while I'm being mad at you, I'm mad at myself... cause we both want to be somewhere else.
So why are we still here?
Don't settle for me...
Don't settle for you...
I don't want to marry into a lie... You should be my door number 1. I should be yours... at this point, it's lookinng like the success of black relationships is really behind door number 3...
It's so sad...
I don't know where this is going anymore... and starting to wonder why I feel so passionately about it... or care.
We suck.


I'm trying to save black relationships... be apart of that 10% of the real ones that make it... and I am trying my very BEST to continue the positivity... but I hate it that it's so hard. Hate that we make it so.so hard..... Wake UP man... wake up... you've got such a good thing, don't lose her for naught.

It Ain't Cheatin Till...

*sings*Him and her, as far as can be... S-E-X-T-I-N-G
First comes emotion, then comes regret, then comes a problem they can't soon forget.

I miss the time of unlocked cell phones and trusting mates... technology has really taken a turn since our younger years. I remember when I had the young Smart Beep pager, remember when 4-3-7-7-0 and 1-4-3 were cute little codes, remember when phones didn't have lock codes... what are you hiding in there anyways? With all the SEXTING rage and things that have hit close to home for me in the past of my mate textually pouring his heart out to the wrong girl, I often worry that this will ultimately be the figurative death of my relationship... a friend of mine just recently found something very disturbing in her man's cellphone... and as someone who's been there, I could only sympathize with her. They always say, seek and you shall find. But some shit, you're just supposed to know.... some shit you're supposed to TELL your mate. Sexting, I'm learning is looked at as something that's "not that bad." If a woman sends a pic of her pu$$y or ass, or her doing a sexual act, it's like looked over as NOT being disrespectful... but isn't it? I mean, porn is one thing but sexting and video conferencing masturbation from an ex who you can easily talk to or see any given minute of the day/week... is that not disrespectful to the homefront?

I ask cause I want clarification... I mean, being a flirt, I can often remember catching myself harmlessly doing so with a complete stranger while getting my car out of valet or walkin through a mall if I'm spoken to first, but no numbers were exchanged and definitely no pics of body parts sent. When I was single, one person used to send me penis shots... just random penis shots I guess to give me a preview... when I got them then I would smile and send something flirty... when I told that person I was now in a relationship all of a sudden the random penis shots stopped. I guess that's the difference in someone who really wants to work on their relationship vs. someone who's just always gonna continue to do whatever the fock he/she wants... no matter how their partner feels about it?

And then the question of "is it really that big a deal?" comes into play... but isn't it? Conversations of that nature, ESPECIALLY with someone you used to physically DO just ain't cool... she sending pics of her half nekkid in the bathroom for pic IDs and shit... ugh... and ya'll wonder why I worry about the future of relationships? Really? We do some dumb sh*t... and often... with little regard for the other person. A complete and utter "single till you're married" approach to love and life... but what a way to show you care? right? Versus like acting accordingly. Not saying I'm perfect... I'm certainly not... but I miss the days of unlocked cell phones... the days where people didn't have to delete threads of conversations and their entire email inbox to destroy all the disrespectful shit they do when their mate isn't looking... would you have deleted it if she couldn't find it? Why were you doing it in the first place?? I'm so nervous ya'll... I can only keep praying that Jehovah has something better for MY relationship and that I won't have to go through that once again... I couldn't trust easily again if I did. And would a locked cell phone now make me wonder? Absolutely... it's a product of my emotional environment. I am forever tarnished by that act... cause if I'm not doing it for you, I'd much rather you tell me and I can find somebody I do it (and oh so much more) for. Why waste our time if you're going to emotionally (or physically) cheat....

Is the "ain't cheating till you're married" the new phenomenon?? I mean, what's really the scientific reasoning to why people can't DO right? Why play these awful, awful games??? What ever happened to perfect practice makes perfect? Act in your relationship how you will when you're married and recognized by God! or get the hell on...

Am I overreacting?

I'm a 30 y/o unmarried woman... and I approve this message.

"She Got Daddy Issues"

Hello Blogworld!

I come to you in higher spirits than I expected to after the first wave (my morning cry). Today is my father's 65th birthday. He is no longer with us, but very much still alive in me. "You are truly Don's baby!" has been spat out of mouths of my relatives way more than I can count. Even though my father has been gone a decade now as of this past January, each year still feels like a new wound. This past January (during my birthday week, which is also when he died) when I was crying on my honey's shoulder, I confided in him that I almost felt crazy crying like a newborn 10 years later... he then told me I could be a 60 year old woman and still cry about losing my parent... it's a very traumatic experience. Especially the way in which it all happened -- which I will spare you guys for the sake of keeping readers. lol

But since January, I've been doing a lot of introspection about it all and what I've found makes me saddest, since I've had 10 years to really think about it: is that when he had to go, is when all things started to go south with the rest of the men in my life. Yes, when my daddy died, men (who entered my life, anyhow) forgot how to be MEN. They don't know how to wear the MANY hats it takes to be a good man, like he did. More than just being a provider... more than just unconditional love... more than just being "head" of house... It's like my daddy's presence kept them in line... kept them from being rude, dumb, disrespectful, unappreciative, disloyal, arrogant, selfish... heart breakers.

Heart Breaker! Dream Maker! Love Taker! Don't you mess around with me! ~ P. Benatar

Now, just bear with me now... I always hear of Daddy Issues in the sense of women who didn't have father figures to teach them right from wrong while growing up, so they latch on to men who are all wrong for them in efforts to fill that void (in a nutshell). My father was with me up until I was 20 years old, so you'd think I'd be solid...

So yesterday, I was sitting around thinking about the timeline of events... between my dad's death and the following summer I found out my "fiance" (who walked with me down the church aisle to view my dad's body) had had a summer romance with some short chick he told me was nothing... the next summer (after staying with him) he broke up with me while I was in Wisconsin working my internship at a large newspaper. Later that SAME summer, he met someone at a wedding and married her a year later (two years after my Daddy for those of you who may have gotten confused). During that same summer, I was broken up with via email, by a boy who I'd dated off and on in high school... not as traumatic since he was my fallback boyfriend. His family loooooved me, but I think the pressure started to get to him of when we would be man and wife. He would later marry the girl who he would visit when he told me he was visiting his "cousins" in St. Louis. He has no family in St. Louis. Well, he does now... in laws.

Since then... man who wanted me to "submit" without offering anything to the table... we weren't even DATING.. man who was emotionally spent and crazed and a hater, wishing nothing good to anyone, man who was too prideful to say we worked well and commit to me, and guy who could have been perfect if he stayed out of his own head... and those are only the honorable mentions...

It's true, I have my very own daddy issues...

They come in a plethora of criteria, it seems.

But I've figured out how to make this "issue" now work for me, and it only took me a decade. Since my dad isn't here any longer to check you about your hat at the dinner table, opening the car door, not acting like a complete monkey and I am truly Don's baby, I have to fill his void, for myself. Even if it means comparing every man one to my dad... not in the literal sense, but the emotional senses and the God-given senses. Do you make me a priority? Do you care about my feelings? Do you allow yourself to see a situation outside of yourself? And because I've raised these questions, and ones like it, I am really chopping away at people in my lives who just don't get it... or get me. I may be a 30-year old woman with Daddy Issues... but I'm just glad my daddy was around to give them to me... and for at least two times a year on days of his birth, or rest I can think clearly enough to clean house of those who don't mean me wellbest...

Thanks Daddy for the perspective... until we meet again!

image source: http://www.japanator.com/elephant/ul/10576-620x-b3351bcbaec0ac012f92a2c962ef0304.jpg

2009 Rewind...

2009, for me, was all about Love.
I can sum it up in just that one little powerful word.

I started a To Be Continued post on The Black Family a while black... and how it was dying. Dead. Kaput. This is my rewind of that.

While I DO still feel the Black Family has a loooong way to go, I no longer feel it's a lost cause... I think. I spoke to a friend of mine, a Married of several years, like 7 who is contemplating leaving the Sacred Union because there is little that can be done to restore it back to it's original goodness. With three little ones, a nice home, two cars, head of household at stake, it's difficult for many to see how someone could walk away. I feel bad for that friend, cause I know that Friend has been trying the hardest to keep things afloat in that marriage. It makes me wonder... not only about the Black Family but about this concept of forever..

"I want this shit forever mayne." ~ Drake

Forever is such a long time... and it often worries me. I mean, I think about a couple like my parents who suffered and survived every kind of problem a marriage could from alcoholism, anger management, heart attacks, infidelity to death, and still managed to look at each other lovingly after 27 years... and pray that at least the "lovingly" is in my future. I don't know that I have the patience or staying power to deal with a few of those things... but marriage says for "better or worse," "in sickness and in health"... clearly many people don't take this charge (hence why we have a something like 58% divorce rate?). I know each year of any relationship (married or otherwise) is going to come with ups and downs... at what point do we stop wanting the "forever" we signed up for?

In my present relationship, everyday is a lesson. Everyday is a glimpse into the future. And I am enjoying each day more and more, even the trying ones to get to that forever possibility. I've read of people marrying someone "no matter what was going on at the time" they proposed. Meaning, things were clearly wrong, and probably destined to fail but people still entered into something so serious. Why do we do that, exactly? When we know something is wrong, or won't work yet we enter into it anyway? For... ever? Is it because we take the concept and idea of marriage so lightly the thought of "well, if it don't work, I'll just get a divorce?"

I mean, I know I am a never married individual speaking on this subject but that's how we unmarried individuals either stay unmarried or only marry — and stay married — once. Hopefully the latter for me. I know I talk a lot of shit, but there should be NO contesting I'd make an awesome wife... *pauses to see who dare disagree*.......
......
...........
............

*ahem* so I say all that to say this:

Black Family, we can be so much more than Dads visiting their children every other weekend, baby mama drama, and constant drama and bullshit. (I do realize white families go through a lot of the same, but that doesn't affect me.) I just keep looking at that Ebony cover of the Obama's... you think Barack and Michelle don't have issues or haven't had any in all their years? OK, maybe they're as perfect as they look, lol, but the point is, I am sure they have days where Michelle/Barack is like, "OK, please get away from me" but both realize the importance of the other in her/his life.

Sooo with all this introspective thinking.... I came up with one solid solution for hope: we can save our families starting with taking more responsibility for our own actions.

MEN...

Leave your pasts behind... you guys are so caught up on hurting someones feelings, or just not over someone, holding on to someone who you can't be with or don't want to be with, stirring feelings just cause you got too much time on your hands, or WHATEVER the fock you're doing does NOT help. I mean, seriously, if you don't listen to anything I've EVER said, listen to me NOW when I say, pick a path (read: woman) and stick with her. Give her your ALL.. and see how that goes for you... video chatting, sex texts, inappropriate pic mails with your exes, baby mamas, jumpoffs and the like just keep us in the struggle... COMMIT.

WOMEN....

You can't become a different person once you have the ring or a few months in. Rationing the precious, not cooking, not keeping yourself tight around the waist and what not (trust me I'm guilty of all.. OK, not the first one, but maybe the second from time to time and definitely the last BUT my eyes are open now...I'm on it lol). You have to do the SAME things you did to get him to keep him... it's a poorly used reason from men when they cheat, but when you think about it, it's true. We often transform ourselves during the dating process, or so I hear, cause we are looking for marriage... I implore you: STOP it! To know you... is to love you! He should get to know you. If he loves that person in the present... he'll love her in the future.

MEN...

You can't be sitting around the house not doing NOTHIN.. clean up, take the garbage out, wash a dish, help with the kids! Motherhood and taking care of a home is TIRING... it's helpful to your home and relationship to lend a helping hand. And not just every once in a while, but on a REGULAR basis.

WO(MAN)...

Be prepared to work together... pray together, put God first, cause it takes HARD GOTDAMN WORK to get to forever. And listen to your mate... sometimes — hell often times — they are putting you on notice without causing a fuss. Found something troubling, but leave subtle hints to avoid drama but let you know to shape up or ship the hell out...

Let's NOT enter into anymore future forevers without understanding the work and commitment there needs to be on our OWN part to salvage it and make it its best. Stop always pointing a finger and fix yourself first. You know what wrong you doing before it's even pointed out. Unless you're one of those people who just sucks... come on people... I could cry writing this blog post. I know the Black Family could be SO much more, if we just give ourselves some credit for our own shit... the good, the bad and the ugly...

Ya'll kno who it is....

Flash Forward

"This shit was all I knew, you and me only... I did it all for you, still you were lonely... we coulda worked it out... I'm gone need you to say something baby.." ~Drake

At some point, we'll all have to choose a road to take... a road to happiness. We can't ever truly travel that road to the best of our ability if we're steady looking back or wondering about the road we never took. My Soror called me this morning and spent a great deal of my start discussing her relationship with her man who she's been loving for a long time... and recently found out he was still buying things for his ex. Not for the child they got together, but for her. Like, for her birthday he got her an outfit and her hair done... and some random gifts here and there. And wanted my take on the situation... as if *I* know what the hell I'm talking about.

Despite my personal feelings about the example given... I think we all basically need to get real!

Why do we make forever so hard??? If you're happy where you are, why do you create so much conflict outside of that? Use that energy, that MONEY and invest in your current situation.

"I ran across something the other day that made me blink, made me think that this forever type shit you been sellin me, is nothing but a fantasy cause you can't recognize the real... from the fake... holding on to a toxic past... one that ruined you, and is trying to ruin us."~Sanni Blue

My answer to her, to him, was simple: Let the past GO... finally... and embrace your beautiful FUTURE!

It really doesn't have to be so difficult... sheesh! How the heck do we get to forever with such tom foolery!?

I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Order of Things

"I called my ex and told her I was changing my order... she didn't wanna hear that." ~ Steve Harvey Live at the Venue

There comes a time in our lives where we have to change the order of things... that's the synopsis of what Steve Harvey said when I was gifted with the opportunity to see him live at The Venue in Hammond, IN for my born day. (Thanks babe!)

We saw him perform on the eve of his birthday (Capricorn! Yah!), so after he split our sides with hilarity, they brought out a cake for him as a surprise and after the Stevie Wonder version of "Happy Birthday" he began to TEACH us some things. Sidebar: I always find it funny when people dog him about his book."How someone who been married 3 times gonna tell me about relationships?!" I mean, really, aren't those the people we should take heed from? Those who been through it? Failed at it? Endured through it? Tried again till they got it right? How hard is it to find someone who has been truly and HAPPILY married for many moons? Still living well enough to tell the stories. The answer is extremely. I appreciate someone who's been there sharing some knowledge cause in a time of 58% divorce rates (may be higher these days) we need all the help we can get. *rant over*

Anywho... the "message" was how we can make things better for ourselves... by changing our order: 1. God; 2. Family; 3. Education; 4. Career. Saying if we start to get our priorities right all things will begin to transcend... he went on to say that we are always mixing up our order which is what sets us back individually with our different trials and tribulations.

When someone leaned over to kiss me on the cheek during that message is when I realized, he knew too that our order was merging. I am loving the order of things... it feels great to say I am happy while staring in another person's eyes... and mean it. I couldn't always do that. It feels great to have a tiff and instead of looking for the first bail out plan or thinking about the green grass elsewhere I want to tend to my own lawn. It's great to be in a place where all parties involved understand it's the work of everyone on the team that wins championships. I am loving the order of things. To sit down and study the Bible with my mate is something so foreign to me... I wouldn't have IMAGINED doing that just a few short years ago... it's the order of things..

My career, while sometimes on my nerves, is fulfilling to me. My education is solid... it's the order of things. I want to keep.this.feeling.... this.order. Trying to do right, isn't as hard as we make it out to be when we know the proper order of things.

I know I haven't always made the best decisions in my 30 years on this planet, nor always did what I was supposed to do, and I am sure I will screw up from time to time, but it truly feels like all is (becoming) right now. Things are molding just because I've realized what's important and solidified that order. It's never easy or given to us without work and sweat, but it CAN be ours if we just take the time.

I can only pray, He continues to walk along side this blessing... cause the devil stays busy. Thank God for order.

Let's get in order, ya'll.

art source: http://www.amazeartgallery.com

I'm All In...

photo courtesy of photos.tobinhosting.com/d/4682-2/aag.jpg

Be Congruent. B-E Congruent.

"They won't do it unless you ask... but you have to say what you mean in such a way that it's a congruent message that is in line with what you want to obtain. If your message is one thing and what they're (reading) is something all together different. They are more likely to believe what is in front of their face. You've got to send a congruent message with what you say and what you physically give the (reader)." ~ My Boss

I've been doing a lot of talking about focus lately. And I've been doing a lot of thinking to get focused. Show focus and Be.Focused.

My job entails a lot of talking... I speak practically everyday to Chicago youth about life after high school choices. I am talking a lot in my relationship, communicating so much better than I ever have before and loving every minute of it. But I'm doing all this talking but must remember to send congruent messages with my actions.

Sometimes, however, I miss the mark. A personal flaw (of very few lol) that I am aware of and trying to manage. You see, all this time, I've thought of my blog as my own personal online Eric Jerome Dickey novel. You guys know of Mr. Dickey? His novels are awesomely constructed of sex, lies, drama, laughs and tears sprinkled with little parts of his real life as something to fall back on. It's why we readers adore him. Every page is so real and human like... you can relate to to it.. sympathize with it or just listen.

Little known RBG fact? I've always wanted to be a playwright and writer... I've got stacks and stacks of old notebooks to prove it. Because in my former life I was to be a reporter slash poet slash author. I love to write: journaling or fiction.. poetry... it's all a reflection of me, but not ALL me. I say that to say that this blog (well really the one previous to it) serves as my little artistic outlet but sprinkles bits an pieces of my life throughout. Really... these are my thoughts. But not all of them... I leave a lot of stuff out for anonymity purposes. Ya'll know how I feel about putting people on blast.


Many of you who read my stuff (thank you) don't know me... but for my fans that know me for who I am, and NOT my alter ego, sometimes what I write here might be a bit much. Which is why I generally don't broadcast that I have a blog to my friends and family. Because more often than not it will cause a problem. And I don't ever want to bring ONLINE problems into my real, totally awesome life.

A little about that life?

I am in real love. Daily. If ever that is up for question because of the tone of my posts, speak to me directly. Many, if not ALL of my posts are generally based on a life I used to have moons ago, but somehow connect in a way to tell a (hopefully) riveting story and/or send a message. Who I am online, isn't exactly who I am when I am playing Do or Die Uno with my family, or having a cocktail over a boxing match. I am much more complex than the words I type... or perhaps my words are more complex than me. I am a simple girl with big dreams. A vivid imagination and a curiosity about life, love, and the pursuit of happiness that is my fairytale. And I express that... here.


In 2010, I am beginning to send congruent messages. I don't ever want someone close to me not knowing where they stand... I have to let my mouth be congruent with what they hear and what the actions they see.

"If I talk about how great it is.... I might jinx it." ~ RBG to Big Sis

I am not a superstitious person, I'll walk under a ladder... kick a black cat... open an umbrella indoors and shrug, but I have said the above quote SO many times. Why on earth do we I keep the great stuff to me and sometimes a selected person? I went through my personal journals... and every page, ya'll... EVERY PAGE was focused on the negative. What IS that? When I KNOW, speaking negativity breeds negativity? I don't want and/or need ANY trouble. I want to effectively get across my point without confusing/hurting anyone I love.

"Messages are conveyed in a wide range of ways, not just by our words. Any conflict between all these messages which are being conveyed simultaneously by different means will make it much more difficult to get your message across successfully. This becomes especially important if [crisis or controversy are involved]." ~KMG definition

I meant what I said about moving forward in 2010... I am literally and figuratively leaving the past behind me. Speaking positivity and enjoying my present. Congruency between life and this powerful pen of mine.

The Tale of My Two Cities...

Well, 2009 is a done deal. Full of it's ups and downs. Triumphs and down-right disasters of situations. But alas, here she is.

"I'm trying to have all truths and revelations REVEALED in 2010. So let's talk about it." ~CP
So, I am a bit delayed getting out my real 2009 introspection because the first two days of the New Year were spent relaxing, recovering and laughing. BUT ya'll know I couldn't NOT send one out. 2009 was an emotional roller coaster of a time for me but I still managed to come out on top. Tis the story of RBG... she survives.

My year in review held a lot of tears at the beginning and sprinkled in here and there. In February, I tried to move on from life as I knew it, even though an extremely painful transition, my alter ego wouldn't let me realize I was dealin with (or refusing to deal with) some serious shit. Even the sweetest distraction couldn't keep me from knowing that something was wrong because it also was filled with issues of a different kind. So the joy I thought was coming in the morning, never came. Or appeared falsely, depending how you interpret.

I've recently had the pleasure of enjoying meaningful conversations with CP. We've had the fortunate pleasure to make someone so special and we're trying to collectively make this the best family ever by strengthening our friendship and getting closer... So, when he said something along the lines of "all truths revealed" it made me think about an awful lot... I kept so many truths to myself in 2009 but toward the middle/later part of the year, I really started to hone in on what's important. What's necessary, what's not blah blah blah.

So let's reveal some truths... about self.

Once a boyfriend physically wrote (not typed or emailed) to me, "how can you expect so much from me, and give me so little in return?" I realize now, that this still holds true to me nearing 9 years later. He eventually left me and married another... also something (not) foreign to me... who he continues to be (somewhat) happily married to today. These kinds of questions and inquisitions can really make one wonder. When you think you're the greatest girlfriend, and people are affected, tremendously, by the negative things you do, it says something... sometimes. I may not always be the most giving of... things, but what I HAVE always given is unconditional love. I've loved several different men, who all in some shape or form hurt me. But I loved them anyway. OK, so sometimes I'm emotionally distant... and a little stubborn... and maaaybe a little selfish when it comes to SOME of my things I've worked hard for... sometimes...maybe. But I do a lot of good too.

BUT, I hear what he's saying.

Forever is a long time... and to be happily married (or in any kind of relationship or friendship) there needs to be a lot of FOCUS... GIVE and TAKE... COMMUNICATION... PASSION... WORK... AND MORE FOCUS. With that being said, in order to PREPARE myself for the solid effort of being successful in a marriage (assuming King finally finds Queen, of course) I need to pack up and leave this city... and move on to my next. The first city, the one in which I have been living, is the one in which I am leaving. The second city is the one I'm moving too...

My Beloved Mother came over to my home on New Year's Eve to help me prepare for our NYE Celebration. She's truly an extraordinary woman... she drives me crazy sometimes, but I wouldn't trade her for the world. She told me while washing my dishes (while we reminisced about my Daddy since his anniversary is approaching and singing Blues songs) of how she cried and cried when she turned 30... and my Daddy told her in only the way he can, to stop that crying because unless she wanted to DIE the only option is to get older and learn from life before it.

And then she told me: "But once I stopped crying, and faced the beauty of it, that's when life really got better for me. Things were really great."

It made me smile... I could only hope the same for me.

My first city, was occasionally filled with darkness and only glimpses of hope sprinkled throughout. I didn't capitalize on those glimpses, instead... I focused too much on the darkness, let that consume me until I was nothing that I recognized....

But oh, my second city, is my spring of hope. I have the tools to be more successful (in LIFE and LOVE) I just often don't use them. I have hope where I didn't before... I started realizing this in the last months of my lease in my 20s... I started to hone in on the positive and laugh at the adversity... cry less... figure out tactful exit strategies from heartbreak. I smile more now... I live... in the now. I express my feelings better and without trying... no superlatives or games...just me. I am a better woman than I once was... in my 30s, I will embrace her. I will learn from the woman who resided here before me. No more pressure of unknown things, only capitalizing on what I DO know... that I am a gifted entrepreneur, a forever blooming flower and a work in progress... progressing.

When King finally notices, his Queen will be ready... ready to build, ready to strive, ready to live, laugh and love. It will still take two, but I'm ready to do my part... 2010.... RBG is ready for you... bring it all to me, cause I know how to embrace me now, so embracing you will be as natural as whole grains...

Happy New Year, people... Let's show 20-10 what we can do...

~*RBG*~

"And I'm Still Alive!"

Just when I think we're taking two steps forward....you push us four steps back...

This has been my week of introspective conversations. I've had a 90-minute commute of a conversation with my brother (a married father of two) about relationships. And I stayed up till 3 a.m. going back down memory lane and having a heartfelt interpretation of our relationship history with CP.

I hate talking to BOTH of those guys cause they might be the only two people of the male persuasion who know me best. Always dissecting me, realizes the root of my question, issue, trouble... or we just kick a lot of science together.

The topic of the first conversation: does forever-type monogamy really exist?
The topic of the second conversation: does forever-type monogamy really exist... here

I found myself pondering this one morning after touching base with an old ex... a chocolate, funny, endearing brother with whom I once shared a magical time with. He lives in another space and time now... we both do. While he is practically perfect... tall, chocolate, muscular, handsome and sexy, branded with the right letter, beautiful smile, educated, well-off... he's never been a very committed man to his lady loves... including me. Though neither of us were ever exclusive with the other, but still... in the years I've known him, he's always been a, "I'll commit when I'm married kinda guy." Which would be fine, if his girlfriend at any given time knew he shared that philosophy.

I thought CP, who emotionally cheated on me SO much, that I now think perhaps it's OK to receive/send a flirty text at 2 a.m. or masturbate to a naughty picture of *insert what turns YOU on about an ex here*... I mean, so long as we don't physically touch, what's the problem, kinda logic... eeeeven though, I totally know what the problem with that is... my logic is now skewed. Cause I've been on the recipient end of inappropriate texts and emails from my exes and have seen the former women in his life send some of the naughtiest things... emotional masturbation ... and I wondered.... is there something to this "cheating" thing? Does that connection, even emotional, with someone keep you sane when shit in your relationship just gets too much to bear? (What about when you're emotionally cheating when your relationship is pretty damn GREAT... what would that mean??? What kind of person does that MAKE... you??) Is there a cut off? Can we just connect with someone on an emotional or spiritual level and never sleep with them or get caught up in the moment? IS that possible of humans? I would like to think that even our self-control can only keep us in line for so long if we keep putting ourselves in a situation we would fail at.

Case in point: if I were a taken woman, spending time, even trading textual winks and the occasional conversation or picture mail, with Chocolate Ex would be problematic, because his smile makes me want to kiss him, his humor makes me want to laugh with him and his uh, memory makes me want to sit atop him, so I do best staying very fah away. And I do... but where relationships fail is that each person doesn't feel that way. He still chats...you still chat...planned outings with people...it's all just an unnecessary mess.

This is all to say, that this is my 2009 Year-in-Review... this joint is practically ovah. I'm in a totally different place than I was in January. Emotionally, financially, physically... totally. And I am totally, totally OK with that. I just don't give a fuck no more. I am never sure what the future holds and I often get scared shitless of it. When you get old, you die. But for now, I'm still alive... I've always envied people who can live without regret, but TRULY live up to their actions and enjoy every minute of it... why shouldn't we each be one of those people... so long as we're not putting ourselves in jeopardy (unless you like that sort of thing)

But now, by the Grace of God, through all the emotional bullshit, heartbreak and just plain, "why the fock would you DO that, dude?" I.am.still.ticking... so because of that... I am going to LIVE

...for as long as I can, man.

The student has now become the teacher.

I got a the job!

Shaaa-na-naaa-nah... Sha-na-na-nanah!

Whew... after what might be the best week ever... in months... I find myself gainfully employed again with a company with growth opportunities and what could possibly be the best team ever. I hope it's as good as it makes me feel right now...

Paperwork Wednesday...

Start after Labor Day... I should start looking into day cares... yes.

But for now, I celebrate.

Cosmos with muh girls... it's a CELEBRATION!