The Emotional Runner

So it happened again... my outside run meltdown. I'd originally started this blog last week but wanted to conduct some research first. But because I am lazy it took substantially longer than it shoulda... but now I know, that, running outside... is liberating.

I am an emotional runner.

Not sure if it's all the endorphins or the sweat... or the view of the lake... or my shin splint that calls me all kinds of Bs and hoes when I'm done, or the runners I trick that I too am a runner when they give me the "what's up" nod and smile thinkin I'm huffin and puffin it out... KNOWIN I just was walking.... but twice now, after my outside run, I've teared up. What the hell is that about? I ran twice this past week and I certainly needed to.

I know running serves as a way to clear your mind... and each time now it has done just that. I did it. It was nice because all while running, listening to myself pant and feeling old muscles I haven't seen or heard from in ages start to ache and burn... I didn't think about anything that ached my heart and mind... things I can't control, things I am uncertain about, things I can't explain, why I can't control what goes into my mouth (or what comes out of it sometimes), why people who've never taken the time to know me hate me so... coming back around my turn and coming off that last incline all my thoughts ran down my cheeks.

And I felt... great.

The tears didn't help me answer any of those questions or qualify anything... but they helped me to release, if only for a moment. My professional week was... an utter disaster. New boss... strong arm approach... makes for a combative RBG...

Boss: I wouldn't call it combative.
RBG: I would.

I respect everybody... until I am given a reason not to. Lying to my face, being intimidated by lil ol me... I can't help it because I have a bubbly personality and (most) of everybody I come into contact with likes me... while people are wondering why you're walkin around the office like a stick's up your butt... people are inviting me to after work affairs... bish get real.

The Queen is here.... Sound the TRUMPETS!

In all seriousness, I'm really harmless (unless you cross me). I've been examining it, from ladies who think I "stole" their man to coworkers who think I'm competing for their raise/promotion... to now bosses who think they can come on my turf and strong arm my respect and just make me do it how you want to... listen up, the LOT of you... I ain't taking NO MO disrespect. We having closed-door conversations from here on out. When I originally decided to publish this thought process into a blog, I was all set to dissect why ya'll feel soooo inferior... but I've decided to digress.

I used to find it funny. But now, I just don't give a f*ck.

"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent."
~Eleanor Roosevelt

Toodles to you b*tches...

~*RBG*~

Finding The GRAY Area

Friday I asked my boss (who I admonish as my mentor pretty much) what he thought I needed to be able to go for a director position within a year (my own timeline not a proposed one) and he told me I was the total package... IF I could stop looking at things in black and white. He said I needed to learn that every problem person has something we dislike about them, something we can learn from them and something we can use. He says I am the type of person who will completely box someone for the wrong they've done instead of looking at what about that person I can use to help me excel. And that can make or break me in Corporate America. (That was a synopsis) I thought about this long and hard... and he's right. Case in point, with a situation at work... a colleague has been lying on me and to me, profusely and adamantly. And instead of defending myself by demanding a meeting of the minds, I just allowed her to say what she thought she must. Now, I did confront her more than once on the subject but she always denied it to my face and went behind me and did the same thing. MY logic was that, the people she was lying to should know me and my work ethic and if they choose to believe that despite what they see me doing everyday then that's on them as adult professionals.

But as for HER, she is officially dead to me. Even though I think she is outstanding at what she does (even if I now question if her way to get to the top is as amoral as she is) I know she will also stab me in the back at any moment she gets. This caused me to think about how I (simply) am. I have done this before with several people with a "That's just how he/she is" approach. Some of my old friends and even my mates. I will not hesitate to put you in a box. "I know she's a little crazy sometimes but she's really cool when she wants to be." "Yeah she's kinda a ho a bit wild, but she's a good person and super fun." "He DOES love me, but will flirty text his ex-wife / ex-girlfriend or just stop by her house without me knowing after work 'for the child'." I mean... it happens. And I have no one to blame but myself for keeping these toxic people in my lives for so long. And it really boils down to a lack of trust... I don't trust many people... what's that saying, "keep your friends close and your enemies even closer?" Perhaps that plays a role here. I don't want you near me and look for proper exit strategies when I feel I am being mistreated. I'm tiiiiired, Blog World. What makes someone who claims to respect ME and have love for ME show such blatant disrespect the minute s/he thinks I'm not looking?

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING!

I DO! And then having you smiling in my face telling me you like me, respect my work ethic, LOVE me, are happy with me, wanna be with/marry me, are looking out for me just makes me lose respect for you... as a human being. I wouldn't do that to you. I WON'T do that to someone... not someone I claim to care about and/or respect. Not someone I claim to Love... which brings me to my next point....

Is "Love" Simply a Four-Letter Word?

I used to get really pissed when I heard "love is just a four-letter word" but maybe I've been wrong. People say it so easily. We say we love Jehovah yet we don't live how He would want us to. I've seen a woman who claims to serve Jehovah and be baptized try to break up happy homes because she's so miserable and her ex man let's her. We say we love our jobs but fake sick to take a day off and constantly look for the next best thing. We say we love our mates but constantly create friction with infidelity and unfaithful nature. Instead of maybe saying, "you know what, I love you and someone else and have NO idea how to choose and don't want to... and I give false hope to this one (and you as well) because I have you both thinking I love you very much. Furthermore, s/he and I are gonna snicker when we're all in the presence of each other because s/he and I think you don't know that we flirt when you're not looking." It's not that hard... is it? What causes people to forget that LOVE is a serious emotion that should not be taken lightly. Can you love two people at one time? Absolutely. But at some point we have to choose. You're not making a CHOICE and by playing both sides of the emotional field you are figuratively killing your family. Can you live without a religion? Sure, but at some point you're going to have to CHOOSE to live by the Bible or suffer the consequences. Can you work with someone you hate? Most definitely, but at some point you're going to have to CHOOSE how you interact with them. Is everything worth demanding a meeting of the minds? I'm starting to think I take that "sit back and see" approach too much.

Instead of demanding answers of my coworker, I decided to "see" would she change, what would happen and it lead me to transferring offices. The same could be said for relationships... except in those I waited to see if Jehovah would bless the union/make him see what he had... each situation doesn't require me to do much... but try to exercise patience. A conversation on patience over the weekend led me to realize I'm not very patient... but clearly judging from this I have more patience than I thought. But this is where I fail. Because trouble is finding me again... even though I changed my location... even though I changed my order.

I must find this gray area... because black or white is destroying me. I need to venture out of my comfort zone if I'm going to be victorious. (And I always win.) I suppose I should start with demanding a meeting of the minds...

But I know myself... I don't wanna nut up and flip out on someone's gray area.

"Just as a steering wheel controls the direction of a car and a rudder controls the direction of a ship, the mind controls the body." Awake! April 2010 Article: What Makes Us Good and Evil

I am a very passionate person. I act on impulse... let my heart make a lot of decisions my head might normally not. I often think it's what makes me so awesome and others I think it will be my ultimate issue for... well, ever. My constant walk toward deeper spirituality, a closer relationship with God, and baptism has me really thinking about future and I was wondering at what point do I trust my mind over my heart? Or do I always just trust in God? And know that he'll make a way? Wouldn't you have to have like common sense though... What's that old saying... "God only protects fools and babies?" Well, I'm no baby!

I guess I've just got a lot on my mind. There's so much involved in being an adult. Unlike when we were teens we can't just worry all day about our nothing and what we'll do from day-to-day, but now we have bills, children and spouses to take care of; mortgages to pay; car notes and the like... I prayed about my job and all the change that was taking place and made (what I believe to be) a great decision about switching offices and I am happy with it... there's been a lot of talk of marriage in my life... I've thought since I was a little girl (even though I'd since let go of that dream) of the kinda wife I would be... and the marriage I would be in... the person who that would be... and so much has happened... so.very.much... that has tainted my image of "happily ever after," ruined my positivity, taken stabs at my esteem... so now I am in a new place. A place that won't allow myself to be anybody's second choice... won't settle for less than all of him, won't take your sh*t just to say I'm in a relationship.... I'm a good person who's made some mistakes. And I'm not ashamed of it. I am loyal until the end but will act out when I feel disrespected. I know where I want to be... and am willing to work together to get there. Dammit, I'm the best at all I do... I deserve the best. And I'm going to get it. I have faith.

The Order of Things

"I called my ex and told her I was changing my order... she didn't wanna hear that." ~ Steve Harvey Live at the Venue

There comes a time in our lives where we have to change the order of things... that's the synopsis of what Steve Harvey said when I was gifted with the opportunity to see him live at The Venue in Hammond, IN for my born day. (Thanks babe!)

We saw him perform on the eve of his birthday (Capricorn! Yah!), so after he split our sides with hilarity, they brought out a cake for him as a surprise and after the Stevie Wonder version of "Happy Birthday" he began to TEACH us some things. Sidebar: I always find it funny when people dog him about his book."How someone who been married 3 times gonna tell me about relationships?!" I mean, really, aren't those the people we should take heed from? Those who been through it? Failed at it? Endured through it? Tried again till they got it right? How hard is it to find someone who has been truly and HAPPILY married for many moons? Still living well enough to tell the stories. The answer is extremely. I appreciate someone who's been there sharing some knowledge cause in a time of 58% divorce rates (may be higher these days) we need all the help we can get. *rant over*

Anywho... the "message" was how we can make things better for ourselves... by changing our order: 1. God; 2. Family; 3. Education; 4. Career. Saying if we start to get our priorities right all things will begin to transcend... he went on to say that we are always mixing up our order which is what sets us back individually with our different trials and tribulations.

When someone leaned over to kiss me on the cheek during that message is when I realized, he knew too that our order was merging. I am loving the order of things... it feels great to say I am happy while staring in another person's eyes... and mean it. I couldn't always do that. It feels great to have a tiff and instead of looking for the first bail out plan or thinking about the green grass elsewhere I want to tend to my own lawn. It's great to be in a place where all parties involved understand it's the work of everyone on the team that wins championships. I am loving the order of things. To sit down and study the Bible with my mate is something so foreign to me... I wouldn't have IMAGINED doing that just a few short years ago... it's the order of things..

My career, while sometimes on my nerves, is fulfilling to me. My education is solid... it's the order of things. I want to keep.this.feeling.... this.order. Trying to do right, isn't as hard as we make it out to be when we know the proper order of things.

I know I haven't always made the best decisions in my 30 years on this planet, nor always did what I was supposed to do, and I am sure I will screw up from time to time, but it truly feels like all is (becoming) right now. Things are molding just because I've realized what's important and solidified that order. It's never easy or given to us without work and sweat, but it CAN be ours if we just take the time.

I can only pray, He continues to walk along side this blessing... cause the devil stays busy. Thank God for order.

Let's get in order, ya'll.

art source: http://www.amazeartgallery.com

Be Congruent. B-E Congruent.

"They won't do it unless you ask... but you have to say what you mean in such a way that it's a congruent message that is in line with what you want to obtain. If your message is one thing and what they're (reading) is something all together different. They are more likely to believe what is in front of their face. You've got to send a congruent message with what you say and what you physically give the (reader)." ~ My Boss

I've been doing a lot of talking about focus lately. And I've been doing a lot of thinking to get focused. Show focus and Be.Focused.

My job entails a lot of talking... I speak practically everyday to Chicago youth about life after high school choices. I am talking a lot in my relationship, communicating so much better than I ever have before and loving every minute of it. But I'm doing all this talking but must remember to send congruent messages with my actions.

Sometimes, however, I miss the mark. A personal flaw (of very few lol) that I am aware of and trying to manage. You see, all this time, I've thought of my blog as my own personal online Eric Jerome Dickey novel. You guys know of Mr. Dickey? His novels are awesomely constructed of sex, lies, drama, laughs and tears sprinkled with little parts of his real life as something to fall back on. It's why we readers adore him. Every page is so real and human like... you can relate to to it.. sympathize with it or just listen.

Little known RBG fact? I've always wanted to be a playwright and writer... I've got stacks and stacks of old notebooks to prove it. Because in my former life I was to be a reporter slash poet slash author. I love to write: journaling or fiction.. poetry... it's all a reflection of me, but not ALL me. I say that to say that this blog (well really the one previous to it) serves as my little artistic outlet but sprinkles bits an pieces of my life throughout. Really... these are my thoughts. But not all of them... I leave a lot of stuff out for anonymity purposes. Ya'll know how I feel about putting people on blast.


Many of you who read my stuff (thank you) don't know me... but for my fans that know me for who I am, and NOT my alter ego, sometimes what I write here might be a bit much. Which is why I generally don't broadcast that I have a blog to my friends and family. Because more often than not it will cause a problem. And I don't ever want to bring ONLINE problems into my real, totally awesome life.

A little about that life?

I am in real love. Daily. If ever that is up for question because of the tone of my posts, speak to me directly. Many, if not ALL of my posts are generally based on a life I used to have moons ago, but somehow connect in a way to tell a (hopefully) riveting story and/or send a message. Who I am online, isn't exactly who I am when I am playing Do or Die Uno with my family, or having a cocktail over a boxing match. I am much more complex than the words I type... or perhaps my words are more complex than me. I am a simple girl with big dreams. A vivid imagination and a curiosity about life, love, and the pursuit of happiness that is my fairytale. And I express that... here.


In 2010, I am beginning to send congruent messages. I don't ever want someone close to me not knowing where they stand... I have to let my mouth be congruent with what they hear and what the actions they see.

"If I talk about how great it is.... I might jinx it." ~ RBG to Big Sis

I am not a superstitious person, I'll walk under a ladder... kick a black cat... open an umbrella indoors and shrug, but I have said the above quote SO many times. Why on earth do we I keep the great stuff to me and sometimes a selected person? I went through my personal journals... and every page, ya'll... EVERY PAGE was focused on the negative. What IS that? When I KNOW, speaking negativity breeds negativity? I don't want and/or need ANY trouble. I want to effectively get across my point without confusing/hurting anyone I love.

"Messages are conveyed in a wide range of ways, not just by our words. Any conflict between all these messages which are being conveyed simultaneously by different means will make it much more difficult to get your message across successfully. This becomes especially important if [crisis or controversy are involved]." ~KMG definition

I meant what I said about moving forward in 2010... I am literally and figuratively leaving the past behind me. Speaking positivity and enjoying my present. Congruency between life and this powerful pen of mine.

Let there be light!

Editor's Note: for best effect, play the song as you read :) lol

"rose, bathed in the light, out of the darkness, utterly new and fresh and..."

I am seeing the beauty beginning to mold again... I was starting to wonder where it had all gone. My swag is back... granted, it never goes far to the naked eye but I was pretty broken... I admit. I was doubting my professional gangsta (oxymoron?) since January when my contract ended abruptly... then I ran into a very... terrible organization that was poorly ran, unethical and a few other choice words that I will avoid...



because if NOTHING else it allowed me to meet some great girls (who I still keep in touch with) who the world had turned its back on and it also kept me housed and mobile by paying my rent and car note... for that, I am thankful. It also gave me more experience on the social services side to move into my new position with a STABLE organization for which I can really, finally see myself growing... I am just so overjoyed.

Because I had the interview of all interviews (a series of them, really) where I was reminded why I've been so arrogant when it comes to what I do. I do it well... and they saw it in me without me saying much at all. This is the job I've been looking for. And I am going to be magnificent at it. And I humbly thank Jehovah God because he looked out for me with this one. And I will keep my word and study his... praise him in happy times. Remember him even when I can't stop smiling or when I'm in tears. For in each, I always need him... and I should let him know it as often as humanly possible.

In other great news, I finally found a daycare!!! *(cue glorious music)* QUITE exciting.. it has everything except for a daily toy sanitize (it's weekly) that I was looking for including but not limited to: a potty regimen, learning curriculum, diverse students (blacks, Latinos, whites and even some Asians), and a clean and fun play/learning environment, close to home with competent, educated staff and a contract that we're comfortable with... of course all his daddy cared about was the price. lol Slightly over budget but we made it do what it do. Thank you lawd!

I've spent the day doing a house deep clean. With the new week upon us, now we should finally be able to embrace it but be ready for it. I am still training so my schedule is pretty set and it looks like I will have to go somewhere sunny for my final training before they release me to the trenches... but I will be ready. I've been doing a lot of research and territory building in my spare time. Truly looking forward to all I can do with this position... can you tell? :)

Tomorrow, the house will be complete (currently doing laundry) when I tackle the desk drawers and the storage area. But for now, I'm about to enjoy some boxing and take in a cocktail while I enjoy coming out of the darkness... the next few weeks will be a little foggy as I try to catch up on everything, but I feel very confident in saying that the sun...

...is out.

I got a the job!

Shaaa-na-naaa-nah... Sha-na-na-nanah!

Whew... after what might be the best week ever... in months... I find myself gainfully employed again with a company with growth opportunities and what could possibly be the best team ever. I hope it's as good as it makes me feel right now...

Paperwork Wednesday...

Start after Labor Day... I should start looking into day cares... yes.

But for now, I celebrate.

Cosmos with muh girls... it's a CELEBRATION!