The Open Marriage Argument

I know the topic of open marriages can be spoken about until ears bleed... but I thought this was quite an interesting read. Especially with the idea of forever for me getting closer and closer by the payment, I mean day. :)

But this topic of open marriages has created some very interesting dialog. And raises questions and concerns... like are we just talking a sexual relationship? Is it "just sex" or full on relationships outside of your union?

I think while women would more than likely seek that romance of a full-blown love affair (when hubbies get too comfortable and stop rubbing feet, sending random flowers and watching her favorite show with her) men would more often seek a physical getaway (she gives good head, or does things the wife won't do)... or at least that's what would begin to develop on both side. But (and excuse me if my "newlywed" is showing but) couldn't this be something to incorporate into your marriage already with just the two of you? Try a little more outside-the-box activity in the bedroom. New places, new position, role play, devices? Create date nights where you court each other and flirt and cuddle like when you were dating with/without children?

And speaking of the children, could you do this without the knowledge of your children? How? Doesn't this require a lot of energy?

I truly do not like to share. And I would hope the mere idea of another man caressing, flirting with, kissing, penetrating and nibbling me would drive my husband so insane he wouldn't want something like that to come between us... but is that then how the Open Marriage turns volatile? Where it's no longer an honest discussion and open discussion and now considered adultery. What say you?

"Could you see yourself engaging in an open relationship? If so, what types of rules would you impose on such an arrangement?"

Will Open Relationships Cure the "Great Black Love Scare?"

My Time....

Life is too short.... don't waste anymore time on fake friendships, old lovers with bad intentions, negativity or stress. Choose to surround yourself with people who are loyal to you, to whom your happiness is important and don't treat you as a second choice.

It's hard for me to see someone in the same light when I am slighted or wronged. Don't hold grudges but move on and learn from it, instead.

The Final Marriage Blog

"RBG, you're the woman men wanna date.... not the one they end up marrying. You're beautiful and funny, and resolve conflict easily..... you're not a 'rah-rah' girl"

..... well, damn.

On Dating Your Future Husband
For just a moment on the night of March 26th... I thought I was getting engaged.

It was then and still remains the one problem with being in the head over heels and dating in love stage. When you know you're with your future, every romantic evening you wonder will that be the one. I've not been in love like this in quite some time. And I realize how much I missed it.

The last time I was in love *like this* I was 16.
Not including my sun of course. I mean like love of a man... not of my blood. But I finally had to admit: I'm anxious. There. I said it.

And every milestone I wonder, why didn't it happen... then. Forget my uncle's big birthday bash -- the first large family event he escorted me to. Forget that our 2-year anniversary came and went. Forget my birthday, and random Hallmark holidays.... they came and went.

On The Exhaustion...

Warning: I'm in a sentimental mood... missing my dad like crazy.

Honestly? I'm this.close to being exhausted of the marriage idea: when it's gonna happen, why hasn't it happened for me, blogging about marriage... but it's all I can think about. (Dramatic). But really... it's everywhere: in my mailbox, on Facebook, in my family, on TV, in every old acquaintance asking "so what's been new with you? Married? Kids?" *sigh* Even if I was trying NOT to think about it.. it's in my face.

Plus the holidays always bring about a flood of wedding engagements and 2010 and 2011's holidays were no different. Three ladies I know, two Sorors and a Friend/Colleague all were proposed to on New Year's Eve and Christmas, respectively. And recently one more Soror got engaged and another just announced she was married. One of the fiance's said: "I want you to be a bridesmaid... but I know you'll say 'no'." Damn right I will! I'm tired of being a bridesmaid or "single" guest at every wedding I attend! (Often times people don't even let me bring a guest... just cause I'm not married I gotta come stag? Word?!) I thought the biological clock ticked for CHILDREN... well, I have my one and he's quite enough. I guess (as God intended) marriage and children are a combo deal. I'm missing a piece and my now 31 year old heart and soul is starting to feel it.

All my friends put up pics of them proudly flashing their rings to broadcast their happiness and it got me to seriously thinkin about the importance of that piece of jewelry. Seeing as how I've had serious conversations of a man's WANT to marry ME being the most important part of engagement over anything... how/where it's done or what he slides on to the left ring finger all be damned, but it's really something to have that feeling... no pressure, no shot guns, just good ol fashioned, "I really don't think I can do this life shit well without YOU." Now THAT'S something.

So when my friend who was so blunt to tell me I wasn't the 'rah-rah' girl asked: "Why don't you just propose to him?" I chuckled. After all... the whole reason behind a man proposing to a woman is because it's generally understood that women want to get married. Whereas men need some .... coaching.

When I was first proposed to I was 16 years old. And I don't mean on paper "Will You Marry Me" but he bought a ring, took me to a park and poured out his soul to me and then presented a cute little ring with a tiny diamond for which he spent the whole summer earning hundreds of dollars for. It was the most romantic thing I'd ever seen. I miss that feeling. Miss that want... I still have a poem about it. I cherished that ring for many years. It was the thought behind it, for me... It was simple.classic.elegant and represented a stage of life for us. Simply put: it was quite perfect for a 15 y/o boy to have picked out on his own.

But alas, engagements 1.5 / weddings 0 (the half really doesn't need a paragraph)

I know the history behind the Circle and it's symbolism as it pertains to marriage... I know why men get down on the left knee. But what does the diamond mean? Why is that lil thing so important?? You know the HISTORY of the diamond? A couple years back, a friend of mine got a ring for a Christmas present. A very pretty ring set in white gold with a pink stone and tiny diamond clusters. She's been waiting on her boyfriend to pop the question for a while... Seven yrs in fact. When she showed me the picture I was ecstatic. YAY! He proposed. "Girl, no. That is not an engagement ring."

*swamp sounds* "Well it certainly is pretty." I didn't understand. What was to stop that from being an engagement ring? If you really want to marry someone, but don't have the ends to purchase the ring (his excuse for why he hasn't done it) you want is it so wrong to be nontraditional with certain things? Get creative? What if you have a non-traditional girlfriend? Do you still try to traditionalize the moment or make it something special for the TWO of you. Who cares what society thinks!? ....sorry, tangent.

We spend our money on what we want to... if a man wants to buy an engagement ring he'll make it priority. If he doesn't want to buy an engagement ring, he'll buy shoes and trips and shit... for those fortunate enough to not have a gang of bills (UNlike me lol)... you have the luxury of making your own rules... what's important and what's not. My friend's Facebook status some months back was:

2k11 year of the reality check: If you 25 and older and have been dating someone for 5 years or more and are not engaged to be married... press pause give your relationship a reality check ... don't take 5 years heck don't take 1 but I will give 2 years just to be nice... waste no more time... ppl don't want to hear it but here it is and I am keeping it real....

And this convo developed into something about what else... jewelry (for some reason people always equate wedding to jewelry *smh*) Ex.H.I.T. used to always say to me... "don't take all day to recognize Sunshine..." Now while that relationship was flawed beyond belief... didn't he have a point? I've heard that from various men.. men in my life who've married, men on radio programs, that they know exactly if they want to marry you or not... early! So what does that say about the very long relationships?

The point is.... Now that I am a little older (and exhausted) I am starting to understand that the ring.... well that's easiest part. I'm realizing a man could keep the ring, if only I knew he genuinely loved me so much he wanted to be with me forever, officially. Not with me and continually texting/tickling an ex, not with me but meeting up with random potty-mouth, non-elegant females when I'm not looking... not with me but getting aroused by other means. Just.me. And maybe I'm naive for thinking that's possible... but I don't feel like it. I still feel like it's possible. I feel like I'm there.... just need a lil nudge in the proper direction... perhaps. (The "he" in this example is general.)

Because I'm NOT a "rah-rah" girl...
I have no desire to call or message females and ask them what they're doing texting, sucking or fucking my man. I have no desire to act a fool in public. I have no desire to throw things and yell to resolve conflict. I just wanna be loved. And love in return. I want to be faithful and know he's being faithful to me. I don't wanna act out in spite because he can't get right. *cues TLC's "Creep"*

So that leaves me in Limbo
I know you shouldn't measure success on marriage.... I was just granted quite a prestigious promotion at work, I have two guys who love me every day, solidly, I have a nice house, a truck and bills out the wazoo that I can pay.... most days lol... so why do I feel so incomplete? When life is going fairly well?

This is gonna be my last blog for a while... and my last on marriage as a single woman. Because at the end of the day, while I can't control it being all around me, I can at LEAST try to concentrate on other things... it's not like I ain't got shit goin on! I won't let the idea that I haven't been great enough consume me. Especially when so many non-great people marry every day. lol It's you; not me.

I simply have to remember that what is for me.... will be.

This LIFE....is what you make it.

RBG Note: This is a blog originally started on March 21... and never finished or posted. It infuses stories from about 3 other unfinished pieces since then (see ya'll, I am often compelled to write, I just don't finish most of the time).

As I sat down at my uncle's 60th birthday celebration, Future by my side I smiled and began to think THIS is the year my life begins to change. For the better. I felt it then. I feel it today. Every day I'm smiling (with the exception of these last couple depressed weeks). I don't take the non-serious things as serious. I am finding fulfillment in everything around me and if there IS none, I'm deading the situation and placing myself in a better one. I am claiming the happiness I want and taking it for myself. Speaking up for it, fighting for it if I must. Showing the problems, the Devil, my adversity who's boss. I finally feel GROWN.

Don't get me wrong, I have always been full grown, but now that I understand how to BE grown, it's like the newest level of grown there is. And I adore it. While going to drop off my truck in the body shop a couple weeks back an old familiar tune played through my speakers. Oh how I miss Dave Hollister. His lil deep hood tunes that I couldn't really connect with so much then, I feel to my core now. I understand what he was singing about...

"Seeing you reminds me of, all the nights I useta beat it up...I would do it again, but I can't. See everything is different now, I done finally settled down.. I became a one-woman man." ~D. Hollister

There comes a time in every relationship where the people who comprise it want to do right and be right within that relationship........... right? I realize we have different experiences with every person... well I have finally accepted that now... after a conversation with my dear friend and Frat brother. We were talking about exes and I asked did he think it would be DIFFICULT to let go of an ex you had such an extensive of a history when you have such a positive future in your presence.

“That is what makes it difficult to completely release people you truly have loved because there is a small list of things that only that person can really do well for you no matter what anyone else does. And nobody on earth will ever understand it except you and that person…” ~Blue

I have spent my adult dating life trying to be everything for the man I'm with... and I realized today that's not gonna happen. I must accept that my Future is going to have memories of past... as am I... especially if there's a child involved but more so when you were in love.... like really in love... it may be harder to let go than we like to put on or admit. But I'm glad to be at D. Hollister status.... where a person can remind us of good times but we remember what we have at home... and how we want to build on that before we text back, flirt back, call or fuck.. when do we get to THAT level? What we gotta do to STAY there?

Cause um grown... I ain't letting NOBODY mess this life up. You either in it to win it or you gotta get gone too... by any means necessary...

"ANYBODY can get it... in.this.bitch!" LOL (Reference: I Wanna Work for Diddy)

*walks off singing* My life, my life, my life my life... in the sunshine!

#notsorandom

Friends Come.....

(REAL) friends don't go.

Over my lifetime, I've not lost too many people I considered REAL friends. And the few I have lost, I wondered what the underlying issue really was. At the end of 2009 I lost someone who'd I thought was a really good friend. We'll call her UV (Ukrainian Village). We had really become close through my BFF when we all worked at the newspaper in college. I was her boss our senior year and from there we just kinda blossomed... 9 years later she was helping me move my sun and I into our house. I had NO idea that two months later when she lost her job our "friendship" would go somewhere it couldn't come back from. We remained Facebook friends for several months after she cursed and cried into the phone at me... but when we were supposed to bring it back to center and that never happened... I finally just had to cut her loose.

Recently, I've had to do this again. And while it's painful. I'd rather have people in my life who can talk to me about ANYTHING even if it's something that may hurt my feelings than have you filter or shelter your feelings around and/or about me. I'm a Capricorn and therefore a pretty shoot from the hip individual. Everything I say you're probably not gonna like. There WILL be situations I could handle better. But at the end of the day, I'm a loyal and devout FRIEND... give it to you off my back or my last (so long as the boy is fed and clothed) kinda friend. And those are the same friends I seek. Granted, I'm not looking... but anyone who's in my life understands that EVEN if we do have a confrontation, or hell -- just a straight bitch fest -- tomorrow (or at least in a couple days) that shit is water under a damn bridge. We're gonna talk about it and move.the.eff.on.

The last thing I expect to do (or should have to do) is have to work real hard to get that friend to talk to me or hear me out. Cause I wouldn't do that to him/her. And I'm not gonna take our personal business to a third party and ESPECIALLY not a social network cause how disrespectful to you. But I supposed if you're a so-called friend, what do you care of how you handle it. *shrug*

I'm not perfect... I've never claimed to be... but I am 30-f*cking-1... and I just can't continue to try to make things WORK with people who claim to care for me... and be the only one. I wouldn't do it for my significant other... and I'm not gonna do it for you. I'm gonna handle things like an adult. I wish everyone who has ever entered my life and had to leave the very BEST. I mean that. Hell, I've even wished EXES (who didn't deserve it) well in life.. And I will miss (most of) them... but I can't continue to struggle. And I won't. If you can't fight for our friendship. Why should I?

In the meantime, I'm SO thankful to the people in my life who get me... know I'm here to want and hope for the absolute best for them and knowing that they have the same regard, and respect for me.

Not so random... but hopefully only the REALEST are left standing...

Do Over (2010 Wrap Up)

"Even though I was outta line, I miss you like all the time and if you don't wanna see me fine. A good girl's hard to find, so maybe in due time... Can I get a do, ooooover? Can I get a do, ooooover?"
~Ghostface Killah f. Raheem Devaughn

I've been on a bit of an extended break from work and I'm so excited about it. Last Tuesday afternoon at 5 p.m. I did the Robot right on out the door and will not return to the office until January 3 of the New Year.

Speaking of the New Year, it's always a time to clean out the old and bring in the new. So last weekend I began to empty my house of excess clutter starting with my home office. (I'd already taken every work giveaway and paraphernalia to the office the week prior.) You'd be surprised how much paper and sh*t you accumulate over two years time in a new house. Just starting with the home office, I've got a ways to go, but in that initial sweep I ran across an old journal of mine from 2007 and started skimming over it. I flipped from page to page of bad bad memories and depressing disposition. Instead of sulking there in those pages, brewing over the past I ripped them out, tore them into pieces, and threw them away right along with shredded bank statements and random magazines I never read. I kept only the first entry written 5 months after my sun was born. I share that here:

Nov. 12, 2007

My WORD was I depressing when I was pregnant! I just spent the last hour skimming through old entries... yuck! All the "woe is me, why can't (CP) love me the way I deserve to be loved" crap gave me a headache. For real. No wonder I stayed emotional and sh*t: worried about the wrong bull pooh. WOW! So um yeah, thankfully I was blessed with a healthy baby boy nearly five months ago despite the fact that I was too busy worried about his daddy during my pregnancy.

(Sun) is a wonderful baby. He truly lights up my life. He's adorable, he's happy, he's sweet and funny. Yes, funny! Can't speak a word yet but his sense of humor is already developed. I love him with every fiber of my being. He makes every day that I get up and pray to the Creator and go to work worth living. And when work is over I can't wait to get home to him.

Speaking of work, I currently have two jobs (kinda) at the moment. I am working to try to prove myself at better paying gig in my field to get hired on permanently. It's way out in Lincolnshire. When I initially interviewed he (male boss, yay!) said that it would be 2-3 weeks before they made a decision to hire me on or keep me as a consultant. This week marks the beginning of my fourth full week. So I plan to revisit our conversation to see where I stand because I have to let my other boss know something. Meanwhile, my mother is handling things for him in my absence. She's doing a great job too.

I am praying that everything will be as it should w/the better gig. I tried the Suzy Homemaker role, letting the man be the breadwinner but it's just not for me... right now. Perhaps one day it could be but right now I want the family and the career. And for the last month I've been able to do just that. The job (as per usual) comes with certain irritants but it's in my field, pays well and will afford me the things I'm trying to build towards and accomplish by 30. It's time to realize what's important... in life. Worrying about my mate, what he's doing and will I ever marry and sh*t like that does nothing but stagnate a person. And that's exactly what the devil wants to happen. He wants to sidetrack your progress

Well, I am DONE giving him that kinda power. Over me... over my life... anything! I am still working to keep my relationship solid. Still staying loyal and quite determined to make it work. But I know I am only one part of the equation. And that's the only part of the equation I can worry about and know for sure.

My baby is five months old in three days. What a blessing! Thank you, Jehovah for all you've allowed for me. I should be sleeping, but I was asleep pretty much all evening when I got home. I was exhausted! Didn't even cook or eat dinner...... "Tomorrow, tomorrow and tomorrow."

~ (RBG)

The New Year also brings about for most a great deal of introspection on life and all it's mishaps. How we want to rid ourselves of those mishaps in a new year... don't bring all that same drama or baggage with us. Start fresh. A "do over" of sorts. All in hopes that we won't be doing the same thing December next year. Reading that journal entry of how life has changed (and what has stayed the same) in the last 3 years really made me emotional. I'm really proud of where I am now, even though I have more debt accrued now than then. Even though I'm still not married with child. I can really appreciate where I am MENTALLY. Even though I still have my moments. I think as humans we all will have a bit of insecurity as a common trait. Some of you just do better at masking it to the world. But truly, I've grown so much as a WOMAN in that period of time. That I really would like to sit back and congratulate myself on that growth.

Because I truly reinvented... life. Myself. It's hard to believe that my 31st birthday is right around the corner. In a couple weeks in fact. And in my decision to begin to strip off my old personality and start really applying the new one, it brings great hope in knowing that if I am fortunate to see 2012, I WON'T BE doin the same ol wishin for a "do over" but embracing all the new blessings. Not that my old personality was bad... she rocks.. but there's just so much about her that could be better. Face it... so many things we can't redo... we can't go back and not have a child or choose to have one, we can't get a do over when someone close to us dies... but we can continue to do things, or redo things within ourselves until we get it right. We can continue to accentuate the positives and really hone in on the not-so positives.

I choose to do that...

I can't redo so many things... I just.can't. But I can act like tomorrow is a new day and continue the RIGHT way to do things. No matter what others are doing around me. Because (honesty moment) I can be very much an in SPITE girl. Do things because I'm hurt... or wronged.. or to let it be known I can do things too -- with NO hesitation, problem and just as much pleasure... when pushed.

That journal entry let me know how far I've come... as a mother, professionally (being in a career where, yes, I work hard to prove myself everyday but people NOTICE and want me to lead the teams that will make our field have the most impact) personally and in relationships. I'm happy. Very... even on days when I'm extremely irritated by, whatever, I can SMILE on the outside and in at how happy and blessed I am to be around the people that mean the most to me... and who love the hell... outta me. Face it... I got out of a relationship in which I felt like I wasn't always the most important and now reside in one where I feel I can talk to my mate about anything and even if he doesn't understand..... he'll TRY... because I'm number one... That means something.

EVERY New Year we'll talk about the next year "being different" or what we're gonna do.. I don't wanna do too much differently. I wanna strip off my old personality from a spiritual perspective, yes, but I also wanna continue these personal successes... move to the next levels.... director positions... marriage... continue raising that happy, FUNNY, sun... and all with the Creator by our side.... 2011... let's get it.

Happy New Year Faithful Readers.... do all you can... and be all you can in the newest year of our era.

*~RBG~*

Image Source: http://www.fortefoundation.org/images/content/pagebuilder/19251.jpg

F.L.A.G.S.

"I returned to see under the sun that the swift do not have the race, nor the mighty ones the battle... time and unforeseen occurrence befall them all." ~Ecclesiastes 9:11

The race of dating can be very exciting... The green f.l.a.g. signals it's time to start... "and they're off!" Hot and heavy. You can't get enough of each other... you think about each other all throughout the day... you text/call just to say hi, about the happenings of your day, to say good morning/night, send pics of yourself while doing mundane tasks.

"Trying on more shoes! LOL :-)"

It's truly one of the best parts about Love. The newness, the smiles, the laughs, the mindset that nothing else matters at all but you, him and the beauty that is ya'll. Then you start to mellow out. You don't need to chat allll day... since you'll see him when you get off.. you may still say "I love you" at the end of the conversation but only if the mood is right. You're comfortable in your relationship. You're happy. Things aren't roses, butterflies and rainbows everyday but you're content with the progress you're making... little did you know after coasting comfortably through that lap... danger befalls you... yellow f.l.a.g. a problem arises... it could be a variation of things. Something that alters the mood, the chi, the atmosphere and it shakes the comfort zone... makes you wonder how a couple once so in looove could seem like total strangers around each other. You're in the same room not talking to each other... doing anything but in fact. And you don't even know how the hell you got there. It's because you didn't pay attention to the problems people create... the red f.l.a.g.s. when s/he reconnected with an "old friend" who s/he just happened to sleep with once upon a time. While you thought you were growing together s/he was out (re)connecting with people from the past or new b*tches/dudes all together.... and talking to that person for hours on end... 30-40-60 minute conversations... middle of the night phone calls... When s/he stopped having sex with you or complimenting you. When s/he couldn't even tell you what s/he thinks of you... "I think you're great... amazing... even though you get on my nerves sometimes.... I think you're a perfect parent to our child... I think I love you more each day..." anything but silence. When you stopped being friends first and only business partners... splitting the bills but not sharing feelings and having fun together... when s/he accepted a picture of his/her exes genitalia... when you read or found out that s/he still loved him/her...when s/he stopped caring what you thought about things, didn't ask your opinion... when s/he did things to intentionally hurt you... just to get back at you for something. When your grown up relationship felt like you were dating a child who can't open up to you and just have a conversation before they go and act out..... and then by the time those red f.l.a.g.s. appear... you have nowhere to go... you feel like you've wasted time on the wrong person... you discount all the good times you guys had together, someone doesn't wanna work at it to see where things went wrong. And you wave your white f.l.a.g. You quit. You surrender... You bow out. You've given it your best years ... all you had and failed. You're defeated... and before you know it you look up, and someone is waving that checkered f.l.a.g. signaling one last lap... you throw caution into the wind and go for it... and forget the race you just lost for the hope... the faith.... the determination and mindset of finally crossing the finish line.... yet after all your races... STILL unready and unprepared to lose again.

I been in this game for years; it made me a animal. It's rules to this sh*t; I wrote me a manual. A step-by-step booklet for you to get your game on track, not your wig pushed back. ~B.I.G. "10 Crack Commandments"

For the Love of the Almighty, Get Serious!

The Tangled Web

"Oh what a tangled web we weave, When first we practice to deceive!"

~Sir Walter Scott

My homeboy is finally... finally preparing to pop the question to his long-time girlfriend and the mother of his child. And as awesome as that news is, he's got a bit of a problem. His ex-wife and mother of his first child. She is not taking his recent change of heart well... well, because up until he had this change of heart he was still very much doing inappropriate things with her. Not sex. At least not that he's told me about. (And I'm 85% sure he would've shared that) but other things like texting her he wants her "sooo bad" when he and the Mrs. haven't had sex for a few days. Or paying for her hair do/outfit, just because. Or doing family activities with their child and his child by his girl (WITHOUT his girl).... so when he finally decided to change his order... she changed her attitude. All of a sudden, the things he does aren't good enough.... the way he SHOULD have been interacting with her before, that he's NOW finally doing is unacceptable, because she's not used to it... because it's proper. And HE seems confused that she's trippin. lol

You.Know.Gatdamn.Well!

He's told me to my face that he knows things would never work with this girl, so my question to him would be well why on earth do you get her hopes up and do things that make her think you're SO unhappy with your relationship? Let him be irritated with the Mrs. you can definitely catch him texting her that he wished he'd stopped by after work before coming home. Like, do you think that's RIGHT? (It's not.) Why do you let her text you pictures of herself when she knows you're with someone? Not your kid, but her. Now, *I* respond to inappropriate texts/picture mails with silence... nothing makes it clearer. Some people ask their culprit to stop / not do that. But HE replies with "Well, don't you look great" or "Nice!" You can't be sending mixed signals and shit and then wonder why she's mad you're finally concentrating on your family, where your head should have been the whole time. And don't have cheated on her or been a ho when ya'll were together... because she's gonna suspect that you're still a ho, and that your behavior is in your nature. So when you do un-ho / changed man-like things, she's confused.

I write this blog not to scold my boy (really) but just as a message that we DO create our own problems a lot of the time. A frat brother of mine who recently found out he had another son by a new BM, had a similar story to tell. We were discussing how his new BM felt about the way he treated HER (not his new son) but her, and that he had to break it down to her.

"(New BM) says I used to be sweet and patient. I told her I still am...just aint finna talk and deal with whatif's. (That was) part of my gross mistake with (Ex-Girlfriend) and why it took/is taking so long to rectify. (My inability to separate the two) is part of the reason me and (Original BM) couldn't be in the same room with each other for years... You can't serve two masters. You either in or out. Gonna learn from my mistakes..."

Well!

My boy could take a lesson from this. He is CONSTANTLY doing what ifs with his ex wife... constantly. She'll text about, "remember when we got married?" "Remember when you bought my ring?" Of course he remembers! He was there. Entertaining these kinds of conversations and going back down memory lane are never any good for anyone... unless of course you want to be back with someone. Sends the wrong message. And it's important to learn this early... before he gets married (if that's what he really wants to do) so he continues to send a congruent message that he's all about his family and his (future) wife. That doesn't mean his relationship with the ex is over... of course not. They have a kid. But their relationship is supposed to change.

It has to change.

"We parents... ain't gone be nothing more and I ain't finna talk bout us or what happened or any of that. We have set times and communication. Can't move on if we still wondering."

This relates back to one of my posts (if not several).... eventually we're all going to have to pick a path. And do what is necessary to make that path work. You simply cannot, to use my frat brother's words, "serve two masters" because it's gonna come back to bite you. Hard. Where are you going to lay your head? Where are you going to exhaust your energy and time? Let that be one place. Send a congruent message to your ex. EX-communicate the bullshit. Because it does nothing but create bigger problems when you've had your epiphany. Don't let the past stifle a future.

Keep growing, my friends! The life that awaits is fantastic! Trust me... we full grown!

On To The Next One

"The same way you get 'em, is the same way you lose 'em" ~Soror W.

So I have been hearing story after story of the Alicia Keyes and Swizz Beatz rumors to the point where I finally decided I needed to say my two cents on the matter. And some people ain't gonna like it.






Stop being mad at Alicia Keys!
(Yeah, I said it!)

I just read Mashonda's open letter TwitTM to Alicia Keys about ruining her marriage and I was floored. Why do women always attack the "other" woman? Be it verbally or physically? I will never understand. Speaking AS a woman who has been cheated on, left for another woman, I can honestly say I've never been THAT chick. No Tweets for me. No MySpace or Facebook stalking your life... or lives together.... it's just whatever it is. I may have had some choice words for him, but that's to be expected. He's the one that looked me in MY face, told me he loved me, would never hurt/leave me, blahditty. Mashonda's case a bit different. He was her husband... and apparently they'd been married a long time. Five years in fact. They'd taken vows before God that they would "forsaken all others." Swizz broke that vow... not Alicia. (Now, I am simply giving an example AS IF the rumor they were having an affair is true... I am still not so sure it is.) [Below are actual excerpts of the Twit, from Vibe.com]

"Me and my husband have worked out our differences. We are in a good place as people and as parents. I accept his choices and I am comfortable enough with myself to move on."

Now this the shit I don't get... so your husband, of FIVE years who you just had a son by and you are in a GOOD place... you accept his choices... WHY on earth are you still reaching out to Alicia Keys? Is she not supposed to be happy she's in love/engaged/pregnant? Is she not supposed to talk about her happiness? What explanation or apology or "concern" does she owe you? Like Judge Judy say, she didn't take your vows with you (IF this alleged affair really did take place) HE did.

It's easy to tell the (other) woman, in a nutshell, "yeah um, we still together and happy..... he still come see me, visit me, with me, sleeps with me..... we gettin back together... you're just a side piece... you this or you that..." but most of these scorned wives generally know the score but are gonna tell the other woman whatever she needs to in attempts, to rattle thangs up. Get under the (other) hers skin.

"My concern with AK is no longer the fact that she assisted in destroying a family but that she has the audacity to make these selfish comments about love and wanting to be with someone, even after knowing their situation."

We really don't know WHAT she knew if you really wanna get down to it. For all we know, Alicia Keys could have found out ex-wifey was pregnant via a text sent to Swizz when Keys was on her way out of town/the country. She probably confronted him about it because he didn't mention it and started to do the math and figured in order for her to be pregnant, that would mean they were sleeping together more recently than what Swizz originally told her and now she's a victim of circumstance cause she's head over heels for him and sometimes it's not that easy to walk away from love especially with him saying he still wants to be with her. (This is all hypothetical... I think.) Further, she can't "assist" in destroying a family that was already destroyed. I refuse to believe people walk away from perfectly happy marriages. When it's a well-known fact that MOST people cheat because of some void they feel at home. I just can't see them not having a conversation or three about issues in their marriage.

I'm not judging you, I put you and the whole situation in the hands of God, the Higher Power.

Why do people DO that?! We're all in God's hands way before any transgression. Like we each have some super powers that put our issue in front of the BILLIONS Jehovah has to deal with on a daily basis... always talking God's hands and Karma and all that... when your religion probably doesn't even believe in Karma! Cut that out people!

According to Swizz, in an article on Zimbio, they'd been separated 10 months... how stories can conflict, hunh?

NOW, in NO way am I condoning extramarital affairs. Should I ever find some unsuspecting fool to marry me it is my largest concern cause I truly think men create their own problems with the emotional connections they keep. Setting themselves up for FAILURE. The flesh is weak and as we remember from my last post, the mind controls the body. We already know more than half of marriages fail... we just all go into 'em hoping we'll be apart of the minority.

Mostly, the cataclyst for this blog? I just want people to start taking responsibility for their own shit. No one can destroy your marriage/relationship. We do that on our own. No one can "take" your lover... your lover willingly goes. No one OWES you any sort of respect, concern, or discussion... so just be happy when you get it.

I said I would be continuing to support her career. Nobody wants to look at that sh--. They wanna look at 'Alicia Keys.' That sh-- is ignorant." ~Swizz Beatz

Exactly.. if you gonna look at anybody... look at Swizz! LOL ... but no, forreal.

ONLY Swizz and Alicia know what they were really doing or — for THAT matter — what Swizz was really telling her while they were doing what they were doing, because they can concoct some very elaborate stories, can't they?

All that being said, I hope Alicia watches herself. She may wake up a couple years later with a beautiful seed, finding that her hubz still holds a closer relationship to his ex than she thinks. Scorned wives have a way of trolling their ex's new relationship and just staying on top of it. Because they WANT that relationship to fail. They want someone (specifically her) to experience what they did, even if they SAY they don't. So be leery, girl, of her sending old pics, texting about the good times, pictures of body parts, inappropriate conversations nothing to do with the child, asking him to get her a new wardrobe, hair done, shoes (and not with alimony or child support but out of YA'LLs money) and him ACTUALLY DOING IT, referencing their marriage CONSTANTLY, reliving the engagement and when he bought the ring, all the "remember when?s" and possibly taking your child out with theirs behind your back like THEY'RE a family! Like Sunshine Anderson said, "I heard it ALL before!"

My Soror constanly uses the phrase: "The way you get him is the way you gone lose him."
Sometimes we don't realize how we got 'em.... you just a victim of circumstance. On to the next one...

Sources: maniestopart2.com, thehoodtime.com, dailymail.co.uk, vibe.com, zimbio.com

"Just as a steering wheel controls the direction of a car and a rudder controls the direction of a ship, the mind controls the body." Awake! April 2010 Article: What Makes Us Good and Evil

I am a very passionate person. I act on impulse... let my heart make a lot of decisions my head might normally not. I often think it's what makes me so awesome and others I think it will be my ultimate issue for... well, ever. My constant walk toward deeper spirituality, a closer relationship with God, and baptism has me really thinking about future and I was wondering at what point do I trust my mind over my heart? Or do I always just trust in God? And know that he'll make a way? Wouldn't you have to have like common sense though... What's that old saying... "God only protects fools and babies?" Well, I'm no baby!

I guess I've just got a lot on my mind. There's so much involved in being an adult. Unlike when we were teens we can't just worry all day about our nothing and what we'll do from day-to-day, but now we have bills, children and spouses to take care of; mortgages to pay; car notes and the like... I prayed about my job and all the change that was taking place and made (what I believe to be) a great decision about switching offices and I am happy with it... there's been a lot of talk of marriage in my life... I've thought since I was a little girl (even though I'd since let go of that dream) of the kinda wife I would be... and the marriage I would be in... the person who that would be... and so much has happened... so.very.much... that has tainted my image of "happily ever after," ruined my positivity, taken stabs at my esteem... so now I am in a new place. A place that won't allow myself to be anybody's second choice... won't settle for less than all of him, won't take your sh*t just to say I'm in a relationship.... I'm a good person who's made some mistakes. And I'm not ashamed of it. I am loyal until the end but will act out when I feel disrespected. I know where I want to be... and am willing to work together to get there. Dammit, I'm the best at all I do... I deserve the best. And I'm going to get it. I have faith.

It Ain't Cheatin Till...

*sings*Him and her, as far as can be... S-E-X-T-I-N-G
First comes emotion, then comes regret, then comes a problem they can't soon forget.

I miss the time of unlocked cell phones and trusting mates... technology has really taken a turn since our younger years. I remember when I had the young Smart Beep pager, remember when 4-3-7-7-0 and 1-4-3 were cute little codes, remember when phones didn't have lock codes... what are you hiding in there anyways? With all the SEXTING rage and things that have hit close to home for me in the past of my mate textually pouring his heart out to the wrong girl, I often worry that this will ultimately be the figurative death of my relationship... a friend of mine just recently found something very disturbing in her man's cellphone... and as someone who's been there, I could only sympathize with her. They always say, seek and you shall find. But some shit, you're just supposed to know.... some shit you're supposed to TELL your mate. Sexting, I'm learning is looked at as something that's "not that bad." If a woman sends a pic of her pu$$y or ass, or her doing a sexual act, it's like looked over as NOT being disrespectful... but isn't it? I mean, porn is one thing but sexting and video conferencing masturbation from an ex who you can easily talk to or see any given minute of the day/week... is that not disrespectful to the homefront?

I ask cause I want clarification... I mean, being a flirt, I can often remember catching myself harmlessly doing so with a complete stranger while getting my car out of valet or walkin through a mall if I'm spoken to first, but no numbers were exchanged and definitely no pics of body parts sent. When I was single, one person used to send me penis shots... just random penis shots I guess to give me a preview... when I got them then I would smile and send something flirty... when I told that person I was now in a relationship all of a sudden the random penis shots stopped. I guess that's the difference in someone who really wants to work on their relationship vs. someone who's just always gonna continue to do whatever the fock he/she wants... no matter how their partner feels about it?

And then the question of "is it really that big a deal?" comes into play... but isn't it? Conversations of that nature, ESPECIALLY with someone you used to physically DO just ain't cool... she sending pics of her half nekkid in the bathroom for pic IDs and shit... ugh... and ya'll wonder why I worry about the future of relationships? Really? We do some dumb sh*t... and often... with little regard for the other person. A complete and utter "single till you're married" approach to love and life... but what a way to show you care? right? Versus like acting accordingly. Not saying I'm perfect... I'm certainly not... but I miss the days of unlocked cell phones... the days where people didn't have to delete threads of conversations and their entire email inbox to destroy all the disrespectful shit they do when their mate isn't looking... would you have deleted it if she couldn't find it? Why were you doing it in the first place?? I'm so nervous ya'll... I can only keep praying that Jehovah has something better for MY relationship and that I won't have to go through that once again... I couldn't trust easily again if I did. And would a locked cell phone now make me wonder? Absolutely... it's a product of my emotional environment. I am forever tarnished by that act... cause if I'm not doing it for you, I'd much rather you tell me and I can find somebody I do it (and oh so much more) for. Why waste our time if you're going to emotionally (or physically) cheat....

Is the "ain't cheating till you're married" the new phenomenon?? I mean, what's really the scientific reasoning to why people can't DO right? Why play these awful, awful games??? What ever happened to perfect practice makes perfect? Act in your relationship how you will when you're married and recognized by God! or get the hell on...

Am I overreacting?

I'm a 30 y/o unmarried woman... and I approve this message.

"She Got Daddy Issues"

Hello Blogworld!

I come to you in higher spirits than I expected to after the first wave (my morning cry). Today is my father's 65th birthday. He is no longer with us, but very much still alive in me. "You are truly Don's baby!" has been spat out of mouths of my relatives way more than I can count. Even though my father has been gone a decade now as of this past January, each year still feels like a new wound. This past January (during my birthday week, which is also when he died) when I was crying on my honey's shoulder, I confided in him that I almost felt crazy crying like a newborn 10 years later... he then told me I could be a 60 year old woman and still cry about losing my parent... it's a very traumatic experience. Especially the way in which it all happened -- which I will spare you guys for the sake of keeping readers. lol

But since January, I've been doing a lot of introspection about it all and what I've found makes me saddest, since I've had 10 years to really think about it: is that when he had to go, is when all things started to go south with the rest of the men in my life. Yes, when my daddy died, men (who entered my life, anyhow) forgot how to be MEN. They don't know how to wear the MANY hats it takes to be a good man, like he did. More than just being a provider... more than just unconditional love... more than just being "head" of house... It's like my daddy's presence kept them in line... kept them from being rude, dumb, disrespectful, unappreciative, disloyal, arrogant, selfish... heart breakers.

Heart Breaker! Dream Maker! Love Taker! Don't you mess around with me! ~ P. Benatar

Now, just bear with me now... I always hear of Daddy Issues in the sense of women who didn't have father figures to teach them right from wrong while growing up, so they latch on to men who are all wrong for them in efforts to fill that void (in a nutshell). My father was with me up until I was 20 years old, so you'd think I'd be solid...

So yesterday, I was sitting around thinking about the timeline of events... between my dad's death and the following summer I found out my "fiance" (who walked with me down the church aisle to view my dad's body) had had a summer romance with some short chick he told me was nothing... the next summer (after staying with him) he broke up with me while I was in Wisconsin working my internship at a large newspaper. Later that SAME summer, he met someone at a wedding and married her a year later (two years after my Daddy for those of you who may have gotten confused). During that same summer, I was broken up with via email, by a boy who I'd dated off and on in high school... not as traumatic since he was my fallback boyfriend. His family loooooved me, but I think the pressure started to get to him of when we would be man and wife. He would later marry the girl who he would visit when he told me he was visiting his "cousins" in St. Louis. He has no family in St. Louis. Well, he does now... in laws.

Since then... man who wanted me to "submit" without offering anything to the table... we weren't even DATING.. man who was emotionally spent and crazed and a hater, wishing nothing good to anyone, man who was too prideful to say we worked well and commit to me, and guy who could have been perfect if he stayed out of his own head... and those are only the honorable mentions...

It's true, I have my very own daddy issues...

They come in a plethora of criteria, it seems.

But I've figured out how to make this "issue" now work for me, and it only took me a decade. Since my dad isn't here any longer to check you about your hat at the dinner table, opening the car door, not acting like a complete monkey and I am truly Don's baby, I have to fill his void, for myself. Even if it means comparing every man one to my dad... not in the literal sense, but the emotional senses and the God-given senses. Do you make me a priority? Do you care about my feelings? Do you allow yourself to see a situation outside of yourself? And because I've raised these questions, and ones like it, I am really chopping away at people in my lives who just don't get it... or get me. I may be a 30-year old woman with Daddy Issues... but I'm just glad my daddy was around to give them to me... and for at least two times a year on days of his birth, or rest I can think clearly enough to clean house of those who don't mean me wellbest...

Thanks Daddy for the perspective... until we meet again!

image source: http://www.japanator.com/elephant/ul/10576-620x-b3351bcbaec0ac012f92a2c962ef0304.jpg

2009 Rewind...

2009, for me, was all about Love.
I can sum it up in just that one little powerful word.

I started a To Be Continued post on The Black Family a while black... and how it was dying. Dead. Kaput. This is my rewind of that.

While I DO still feel the Black Family has a loooong way to go, I no longer feel it's a lost cause... I think. I spoke to a friend of mine, a Married of several years, like 7 who is contemplating leaving the Sacred Union because there is little that can be done to restore it back to it's original goodness. With three little ones, a nice home, two cars, head of household at stake, it's difficult for many to see how someone could walk away. I feel bad for that friend, cause I know that Friend has been trying the hardest to keep things afloat in that marriage. It makes me wonder... not only about the Black Family but about this concept of forever..

"I want this shit forever mayne." ~ Drake

Forever is such a long time... and it often worries me. I mean, I think about a couple like my parents who suffered and survived every kind of problem a marriage could from alcoholism, anger management, heart attacks, infidelity to death, and still managed to look at each other lovingly after 27 years... and pray that at least the "lovingly" is in my future. I don't know that I have the patience or staying power to deal with a few of those things... but marriage says for "better or worse," "in sickness and in health"... clearly many people don't take this charge (hence why we have a something like 58% divorce rate?). I know each year of any relationship (married or otherwise) is going to come with ups and downs... at what point do we stop wanting the "forever" we signed up for?

In my present relationship, everyday is a lesson. Everyday is a glimpse into the future. And I am enjoying each day more and more, even the trying ones to get to that forever possibility. I've read of people marrying someone "no matter what was going on at the time" they proposed. Meaning, things were clearly wrong, and probably destined to fail but people still entered into something so serious. Why do we do that, exactly? When we know something is wrong, or won't work yet we enter into it anyway? For... ever? Is it because we take the concept and idea of marriage so lightly the thought of "well, if it don't work, I'll just get a divorce?"

I mean, I know I am a never married individual speaking on this subject but that's how we unmarried individuals either stay unmarried or only marry — and stay married — once. Hopefully the latter for me. I know I talk a lot of shit, but there should be NO contesting I'd make an awesome wife... *pauses to see who dare disagree*.......
......
...........
............

*ahem* so I say all that to say this:

Black Family, we can be so much more than Dads visiting their children every other weekend, baby mama drama, and constant drama and bullshit. (I do realize white families go through a lot of the same, but that doesn't affect me.) I just keep looking at that Ebony cover of the Obama's... you think Barack and Michelle don't have issues or haven't had any in all their years? OK, maybe they're as perfect as they look, lol, but the point is, I am sure they have days where Michelle/Barack is like, "OK, please get away from me" but both realize the importance of the other in her/his life.

Sooo with all this introspective thinking.... I came up with one solid solution for hope: we can save our families starting with taking more responsibility for our own actions.

MEN...

Leave your pasts behind... you guys are so caught up on hurting someones feelings, or just not over someone, holding on to someone who you can't be with or don't want to be with, stirring feelings just cause you got too much time on your hands, or WHATEVER the fock you're doing does NOT help. I mean, seriously, if you don't listen to anything I've EVER said, listen to me NOW when I say, pick a path (read: woman) and stick with her. Give her your ALL.. and see how that goes for you... video chatting, sex texts, inappropriate pic mails with your exes, baby mamas, jumpoffs and the like just keep us in the struggle... COMMIT.

WOMEN....

You can't become a different person once you have the ring or a few months in. Rationing the precious, not cooking, not keeping yourself tight around the waist and what not (trust me I'm guilty of all.. OK, not the first one, but maybe the second from time to time and definitely the last BUT my eyes are open now...I'm on it lol). You have to do the SAME things you did to get him to keep him... it's a poorly used reason from men when they cheat, but when you think about it, it's true. We often transform ourselves during the dating process, or so I hear, cause we are looking for marriage... I implore you: STOP it! To know you... is to love you! He should get to know you. If he loves that person in the present... he'll love her in the future.

MEN...

You can't be sitting around the house not doing NOTHIN.. clean up, take the garbage out, wash a dish, help with the kids! Motherhood and taking care of a home is TIRING... it's helpful to your home and relationship to lend a helping hand. And not just every once in a while, but on a REGULAR basis.

WO(MAN)...

Be prepared to work together... pray together, put God first, cause it takes HARD GOTDAMN WORK to get to forever. And listen to your mate... sometimes — hell often times — they are putting you on notice without causing a fuss. Found something troubling, but leave subtle hints to avoid drama but let you know to shape up or ship the hell out...

Let's NOT enter into anymore future forevers without understanding the work and commitment there needs to be on our OWN part to salvage it and make it its best. Stop always pointing a finger and fix yourself first. You know what wrong you doing before it's even pointed out. Unless you're one of those people who just sucks... come on people... I could cry writing this blog post. I know the Black Family could be SO much more, if we just give ourselves some credit for our own shit... the good, the bad and the ugly...

Ya'll kno who it is....

Can't Win...

...we don't need another point of view there's already too many...we need a common ground or thread to lace it all up...to keep us from fallin' on our ass again.. ~Theory 13

*siggggghhhh* Why do I even bother?

Flash Forward

"This shit was all I knew, you and me only... I did it all for you, still you were lonely... we coulda worked it out... I'm gone need you to say something baby.." ~Drake

At some point, we'll all have to choose a road to take... a road to happiness. We can't ever truly travel that road to the best of our ability if we're steady looking back or wondering about the road we never took. My Soror called me this morning and spent a great deal of my start discussing her relationship with her man who she's been loving for a long time... and recently found out he was still buying things for his ex. Not for the child they got together, but for her. Like, for her birthday he got her an outfit and her hair done... and some random gifts here and there. And wanted my take on the situation... as if *I* know what the hell I'm talking about.

Despite my personal feelings about the example given... I think we all basically need to get real!

Why do we make forever so hard??? If you're happy where you are, why do you create so much conflict outside of that? Use that energy, that MONEY and invest in your current situation.

"I ran across something the other day that made me blink, made me think that this forever type shit you been sellin me, is nothing but a fantasy cause you can't recognize the real... from the fake... holding on to a toxic past... one that ruined you, and is trying to ruin us."~Sanni Blue

My answer to her, to him, was simple: Let the past GO... finally... and embrace your beautiful FUTURE!

It really doesn't have to be so difficult... sheesh! How the heck do we get to forever with such tom foolery!?

I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. ~ Marilyn Monroe