Growing Nowhere Fast

(random thoughts from various situations I've witnessed over the past couple weeks)

We smile at each other, and kiss like we mean it...
Right before we secret text and email anotha of how we miss her... wanna see her... wish we could be with her.
The person we'd be perfect for If he wasn't stuck with you..
I keep thinking we're growing, but we're going nowhere fast.
You can pray to Jehovah all you want, but nothing will change until you make the decision... to change.
He is all powerful, but the will to do well has to be there.
We call what we have fate, but fate can't even keep our minds on only each other... so what are we really doing here... anyway?
I'm tired of relationships failing due to selfishness, yet, I've been through so much, I now want to try my hand at selfish.
The hope for future is... fucked.
Every time I see the lies after I think we're doing so well... what is it that you want? Explain it to me.
Why are you with ME? When you miss her so? Want to be with her so? Lie to me about her... so?
I'm in my relationship and you in yours, yet you speak so heartfelt to each other when our mates turns their necks... this is bullshit.. and I'm so sad cause while I'm being mad at you, I'm mad at myself... cause we both want to be somewhere else.
So why are we still here?
Don't settle for me...
Don't settle for you...
I don't want to marry into a lie... You should be my door number 1. I should be yours... at this point, it's lookinng like the success of black relationships is really behind door number 3...
It's so sad...
I don't know where this is going anymore... and starting to wonder why I feel so passionately about it... or care.
We suck.


I'm trying to save black relationships... be apart of that 10% of the real ones that make it... and I am trying my very BEST to continue the positivity... but I hate it that it's so hard. Hate that we make it so.so hard..... Wake UP man... wake up... you've got such a good thing, don't lose her for naught.

Everyone's a Critic

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone... but don't let him throw them all at me, cause your shit stinks too!!

I'm Just Lovin' ME For a Moment

Pardon me... I'm just loving me for a moment this morning.

I woke up this morning to the smell of my conditioned hair...
As I lay in my satin sheets, I noticed the beautiful outline of my vessel.

It came to me...
I am a resurrected vessel... Beautiful. Moving into another level of wholeness. I think I ought to love ME this morning..

Pardon me... I'm just loving ME for a moment this morning

I woke up this morning to the pattern of my own shadow; I cannot only see it but I can appreciate it. If a perfect God can take that much time in molding ME, loving ME, cherishing ME, reshaping ME... then surely I am worth loving me...

Pardon me... I'm just loving ME for a moment this morning

I woke up this morning alone, but not lonely. I got tired of waiting for someone to put ice in my soda, milk in my tea, jam on my biscuits, peas in my rice, and soap on my back.

I am not alone.

I have me.... I have me.... I have ME....
and then I have the omnipresent God who has made me...
When I put the ice in my soda... He stands there observing me...
ready to suggest creative ways to set my table.

Pardon me... I'm just loving ME for a moment this morning

I woke up this morning and beheld the beautiful reflection of a five-foot-something frame; a soft smile, a shiny nose , medium length hair, brown-skinned complexion, and a Biblically perfect shape. I leaned forward and kissed the mirror... "I LOVE YOU, GIRL!" Not because of your external beauty... Not because Mama said you were beautiful... Not because a man told you you were beautiful, NO!

Because God values... YOU!
Because God loves... YOU!
When I look at all your attributes, and I think about what God has predestined you to become... I can only say that I LOVE you..

For all the battles you've conquered...
For the tears you've shed...
For the negative words that shot you down...
For the pain you've overcome...
For the growth you've sustained... I LOVE YOU, Girl..

Pardon me... I'm just loving ME for a moment this morning

~Minister Nina Clark~

2009 Rewind...

2009, for me, was all about Love.
I can sum it up in just that one little powerful word.

I started a To Be Continued post on The Black Family a while black... and how it was dying. Dead. Kaput. This is my rewind of that.

While I DO still feel the Black Family has a loooong way to go, I no longer feel it's a lost cause... I think. I spoke to a friend of mine, a Married of several years, like 7 who is contemplating leaving the Sacred Union because there is little that can be done to restore it back to it's original goodness. With three little ones, a nice home, two cars, head of household at stake, it's difficult for many to see how someone could walk away. I feel bad for that friend, cause I know that Friend has been trying the hardest to keep things afloat in that marriage. It makes me wonder... not only about the Black Family but about this concept of forever..

"I want this shit forever mayne." ~ Drake

Forever is such a long time... and it often worries me. I mean, I think about a couple like my parents who suffered and survived every kind of problem a marriage could from alcoholism, anger management, heart attacks, infidelity to death, and still managed to look at each other lovingly after 27 years... and pray that at least the "lovingly" is in my future. I don't know that I have the patience or staying power to deal with a few of those things... but marriage says for "better or worse," "in sickness and in health"... clearly many people don't take this charge (hence why we have a something like 58% divorce rate?). I know each year of any relationship (married or otherwise) is going to come with ups and downs... at what point do we stop wanting the "forever" we signed up for?

In my present relationship, everyday is a lesson. Everyday is a glimpse into the future. And I am enjoying each day more and more, even the trying ones to get to that forever possibility. I've read of people marrying someone "no matter what was going on at the time" they proposed. Meaning, things were clearly wrong, and probably destined to fail but people still entered into something so serious. Why do we do that, exactly? When we know something is wrong, or won't work yet we enter into it anyway? For... ever? Is it because we take the concept and idea of marriage so lightly the thought of "well, if it don't work, I'll just get a divorce?"

I mean, I know I am a never married individual speaking on this subject but that's how we unmarried individuals either stay unmarried or only marry — and stay married — once. Hopefully the latter for me. I know I talk a lot of shit, but there should be NO contesting I'd make an awesome wife... *pauses to see who dare disagree*.......
......
...........
............

*ahem* so I say all that to say this:

Black Family, we can be so much more than Dads visiting their children every other weekend, baby mama drama, and constant drama and bullshit. (I do realize white families go through a lot of the same, but that doesn't affect me.) I just keep looking at that Ebony cover of the Obama's... you think Barack and Michelle don't have issues or haven't had any in all their years? OK, maybe they're as perfect as they look, lol, but the point is, I am sure they have days where Michelle/Barack is like, "OK, please get away from me" but both realize the importance of the other in her/his life.

Sooo with all this introspective thinking.... I came up with one solid solution for hope: we can save our families starting with taking more responsibility for our own actions.

MEN...

Leave your pasts behind... you guys are so caught up on hurting someones feelings, or just not over someone, holding on to someone who you can't be with or don't want to be with, stirring feelings just cause you got too much time on your hands, or WHATEVER the fock you're doing does NOT help. I mean, seriously, if you don't listen to anything I've EVER said, listen to me NOW when I say, pick a path (read: woman) and stick with her. Give her your ALL.. and see how that goes for you... video chatting, sex texts, inappropriate pic mails with your exes, baby mamas, jumpoffs and the like just keep us in the struggle... COMMIT.

WOMEN....

You can't become a different person once you have the ring or a few months in. Rationing the precious, not cooking, not keeping yourself tight around the waist and what not (trust me I'm guilty of all.. OK, not the first one, but maybe the second from time to time and definitely the last BUT my eyes are open now...I'm on it lol). You have to do the SAME things you did to get him to keep him... it's a poorly used reason from men when they cheat, but when you think about it, it's true. We often transform ourselves during the dating process, or so I hear, cause we are looking for marriage... I implore you: STOP it! To know you... is to love you! He should get to know you. If he loves that person in the present... he'll love her in the future.

MEN...

You can't be sitting around the house not doing NOTHIN.. clean up, take the garbage out, wash a dish, help with the kids! Motherhood and taking care of a home is TIRING... it's helpful to your home and relationship to lend a helping hand. And not just every once in a while, but on a REGULAR basis.

WO(MAN)...

Be prepared to work together... pray together, put God first, cause it takes HARD GOTDAMN WORK to get to forever. And listen to your mate... sometimes — hell often times — they are putting you on notice without causing a fuss. Found something troubling, but leave subtle hints to avoid drama but let you know to shape up or ship the hell out...

Let's NOT enter into anymore future forevers without understanding the work and commitment there needs to be on our OWN part to salvage it and make it its best. Stop always pointing a finger and fix yourself first. You know what wrong you doing before it's even pointed out. Unless you're one of those people who just sucks... come on people... I could cry writing this blog post. I know the Black Family could be SO much more, if we just give ourselves some credit for our own shit... the good, the bad and the ugly...

Ya'll kno who it is....

Let there be light!

Editor's Note: for best effect, play the song as you read :) lol

"rose, bathed in the light, out of the darkness, utterly new and fresh and..."

I am seeing the beauty beginning to mold again... I was starting to wonder where it had all gone. My swag is back... granted, it never goes far to the naked eye but I was pretty broken... I admit. I was doubting my professional gangsta (oxymoron?) since January when my contract ended abruptly... then I ran into a very... terrible organization that was poorly ran, unethical and a few other choice words that I will avoid...



because if NOTHING else it allowed me to meet some great girls (who I still keep in touch with) who the world had turned its back on and it also kept me housed and mobile by paying my rent and car note... for that, I am thankful. It also gave me more experience on the social services side to move into my new position with a STABLE organization for which I can really, finally see myself growing... I am just so overjoyed.

Because I had the interview of all interviews (a series of them, really) where I was reminded why I've been so arrogant when it comes to what I do. I do it well... and they saw it in me without me saying much at all. This is the job I've been looking for. And I am going to be magnificent at it. And I humbly thank Jehovah God because he looked out for me with this one. And I will keep my word and study his... praise him in happy times. Remember him even when I can't stop smiling or when I'm in tears. For in each, I always need him... and I should let him know it as often as humanly possible.

In other great news, I finally found a daycare!!! *(cue glorious music)* QUITE exciting.. it has everything except for a daily toy sanitize (it's weekly) that I was looking for including but not limited to: a potty regimen, learning curriculum, diverse students (blacks, Latinos, whites and even some Asians), and a clean and fun play/learning environment, close to home with competent, educated staff and a contract that we're comfortable with... of course all his daddy cared about was the price. lol Slightly over budget but we made it do what it do. Thank you lawd!

I've spent the day doing a house deep clean. With the new week upon us, now we should finally be able to embrace it but be ready for it. I am still training so my schedule is pretty set and it looks like I will have to go somewhere sunny for my final training before they release me to the trenches... but I will be ready. I've been doing a lot of research and territory building in my spare time. Truly looking forward to all I can do with this position... can you tell? :)

Tomorrow, the house will be complete (currently doing laundry) when I tackle the desk drawers and the storage area. But for now, I'm about to enjoy some boxing and take in a cocktail while I enjoy coming out of the darkness... the next few weeks will be a little foggy as I try to catch up on everything, but I feel very confident in saying that the sun...

...is out.

I just want to...

run away.



I'm... exhausted... truly.
I'm feeling devious... like old, rambunctious RBG who didn't give a shit... didn't care about feelings and what not... where peaceful RBG go? Ohhhh there she is. Hiding. Sleeping... peacefully. Heffa.
I am starting to seriously dislike someone... who I -- if only for a minute -- thought I would love forever.

Thanks to the double Rs for at least keeping the smiles flowing... love those guys.

Had a job interview today... went well, not exactly what I wanna do, but something is better than returning to the drama... hopefully other hot leads will come. At this point, I just need to be anywhere... not because of finances, but because being a SAHM really brings perspective to the working girl....

p.s. I really wanna see Kindred in concert... they need better publicity. I am ALWAYS missing them. That is all.

The Relationship Queen...

I must say that after processing all the emotion that has come with the last seven months, it's rather relieving to not be worried about the stress and problems of relationships.. my splits never really last long. My frat brother always jokes "So what's goin on? I kno you don't stay on the market long!" But hell, it's not as flattering a compliment if all men want to do is just DATE you. haha! But whatevs... so I had really, literally, been in a relationship since I was a teenager, engaged at 15 even!

The only and first intentional break was in 2004 right after breaking up with PPC... I needed to really re-assess myself. And it was fun and I enjoyed it. Sex with no strings attached, several dates a week, intellectual conversations with versatile minds... I had a ball.

So the breather has been nice... but I've found at my wiser age.. I don't have time to sleep with someone no strings attached... so I'm not gonna. And it really isn't my style anyway... plus I always only have one partner at a time, so that kinda takes the excitement out of the concept.

I learned exactly who I was in my time away and saw so many traits of myself that I wanted and needed to work on. And am proud to say I am working on them... we're all works in progress aftaall but it's important to work on self before throwin all that onto someone else's plate...

I am enjoying, finally finally, enjoying coming full center with my emotions. No anger. No sadness. No jealousy. No insecurity... just lil ol me, happy, vibrant, confident, not snippy nor attitudinal... talkin through things versus yelling, screaming, crying, giving up... yes...

Sometimes I remember the disappointment. I mean, several things didn't turn out the way I expected, thought or would have ever imagined they would... and I am sure He has more surprises in store... but I am trusting in Him... and gwan with the flow. I no longer need to jump in and out of relationships... on and off the market... gonna make it do what it do and be what it must... yoouuuu diiiig.

I'm a Movement By Myself...

But I'ma force when I got it together. :)

I joined the YMCA today and can't wait to wake up early and go workout! I know it sounds odd... but yeah, that's what it is... I hate New Year's Resolutions... I rarely keep them. So I didn't make any for 2009... but I feel ... different now. Like a plan of action and I are really ready to work together for the first time again since 2006... (OK, that might be a stretch... but you get me.)

List suggestions borrowed from an old Amazon email I got at the beginning of the year...

		Lose Weight I really want to lose some weight/inches and tone up this young stocky frame of mine. To make this happen, I have to seriously take into consideration that there will be work involved. I don't have to be completely pristine in everything I do just yet, but I do need to get the ball rolling. If I am constantly working out, eating healthier, smaller portions will surely come. I am one of those "don't want to ruin my hard work" folks... hence morning workouts despite the fact that I am not a morning person.
		Get Finances in Order My debt has grown substantially since I returned to Chicago. While it sucks big time, I am glad to have a budget ready for it. It's gonna take some meticulous planning and patience, but I'll get it done.
		Go Greener Bought a bike, ride it places I would normally drive. Walk to places where I would normally drive. Reusable grocery bags. 60% organic foods making up my diet... think I'm good here.
		Curb Your Vices *sigh* OK, so I don't have a drinking problem. No, really, I don't. I stopped for a whole nine months when pregnant, but I could go to trim down some of the alcoholic beverage consumption. I also overeat like a mofo. I eat things I shouldn't and feel like crap afterwards. I need to accept that I use food as a vice. When I am happy, I eat, when I am sad, I eat... when I am hormonal, I eat. You dig?
		Get in Shape Directly correlated with number one... yet people rarely understand that. You can be the skinniest, smallest person in the world and still be extremely out of shape. Getting well is a 360 degree process of determination. We must shed, tone AND build our endurance. I will... This will need cardio and strength training and good food fuel.
		Relax More This is so much easier than done. But I am working on it... I am in the process of putting together my meditation corner and closet sketches to get that project underway to have a quiet corner to enjoy a girly movie, soak my feet (I need to get a new one of them joints in the picture), listen to some jazz, study, meditate while burning candles... real hip stuff... I'ma take pictures. It's gone be awesome.
		Pursue a New Career You guys already know my job situation and hell, the job situation of something like 58% of our population? Or has it grown? So I have begun to really, really focus on getting my business(es) off the ground. I realize I am often all over the place, but the last month has been pretty forward progress. The way I feel, marketing or fitness, the sky is the limit.. I just need to get my drive in order and control this laze. I hate to use being a mom as an excuse, so even though I have become seriously engulfed in my child, it's up to me to not let Momhood consume me. My schedule IS crazy, but hey, he is the reason why I HAVE to get it together... And sooner rather than later. Hell, he's expensive. So even though the economy's kickin butt and taking names right now, I am thankful I have some marketable skills to get me through the summer. Reently I've been sought out for three contract jobs... all of which I accepted and I am also FINALLY studying... for real this time! :) "Scared (money) don't make no money!"
		Upgrade Your Technology Um, well new technology costs money and I just cut up my credit cards, so if I can't buy it outright I can't get it. BUT I do have a wonderful year-old MacBook Pro, just got an iPod Touch for Mom Day, I bought a 42" TV for Christmas and my 37" just made it back into the house and Rj's 27" is still ticking... electronics and appliances are all up to date and code. I could use a new cordless telephone... lil ol Panasonic is at LEAST a decade old but she holds on anyhow... trust me, buying quality electronics is worth the extra money... The Sun has brought down that big Panasonic TV twice and it's still holding on at five years old.
		Organize and Optimize The workout closet was my first project... now that that is complete, I must move on to the clothes closet (my house while fabulous has terrible closet space) and then I still really need to get my desk in order too... I haven't really went through the papers and things like I should. Though I did do a lot of damage at spring cleaning...
		Start a New Hobby Um, still working on this one since crocheting went to shit... lol Sewing maybe? It's sexy to make your own shit... or so I hear. hahaha!!

*SIGH*

Let's examine who you really mad at....

Chyle, you took me to a place I hadn't been in a WHILE! lol

I remember it well... quite scary. I'm glad for growth though... I'm better now. I hope you feel better too... for the record, I did send you a chat request... perhaps we can talk more when you calm down.

Unhappiness Breeds Haters

That is all. That is why I will never be one... a hater that is. Cause I stays happy. :-)

And I stay attracting haters and problematic people... leave me alone, losers! lolol

And stop stalkin! If a (wo)man wants you, you won't have to stalk Twitter, Facebook, nothing... he or she will CALL you! There's an idea. Doy.

Don't haters just make you wan yell: "Get your ass outta here with that dumb stuff!" ??

Or is that just me?

Simply Put...

OK, so I kinda AM my hair... who woulda thunk it?! :) One year down... a lifetime to go.

Happy Lociversary to moi!