I just want to thank my Earth, Wind and Fire Pandora station for gifting me with this Smokey Song I'd never heard... WOW!



The Agony & Ecstacy

By: Smokey Robinson

What's it all about, this crazy love
How did our two worlds entwine?
How do I fit in to your life?
How did you get into mine?
I belong to someone else we know...

Back when first we met
Oh, we thought for fun
One night together might be nice
Oh...oh...but fun turned into love for both of us
So now we pay forbidden lover's price

Oh, 'cause love like ours is never, ever free (Free)
You pay some agony for the ecstasy (For the ecstasy)
Oh, love like ours is never, ever free (Free)
You got to pay some agony for the ecstasy (For the ecstasy), oh:oh:

Nights when you're alone, you know that I
Laid with someone else beside me
Oh, but you love me still and I love you
You know I would no matter where I'd be

Hey, but love like ours is never, ever free (Free)
You got to pay some agony for the ecstasy (For the ecstasy)
Oh, love like ours is never, ever free (Free)
We got to pay some agony if we wanna have ecstasy (For the ecstasy), oh...
Hey, got to pay some agony
If we wanna have an ecstasy, yeah:eah:
And we need each other desperately, don't we, baby
And I'll never from you be free, no, no
So you'll have to do the leavin' me, yeah
And you'll have to do the leavin' me, oh, baby
'Cause I'm gonna pay the agony, yeah
'Cause, oh, lovin' you is ecstasy, that's what it is
And I'm willin' to pay the price, oh
'Cause I'll make it a sacrifice, oh, yes, I will
And I'll never, never, never, never, never, never, never be free
From agony.

The Final Marriage Blog

"RBG, you're the woman men wanna date.... not the one they end up marrying. You're beautiful and funny, and resolve conflict easily..... you're not a 'rah-rah' girl"

..... well, damn.

On Dating Your Future Husband
For just a moment on the night of March 26th... I thought I was getting engaged.

It was then and still remains the one problem with being in the head over heels and dating in love stage. When you know you're with your future, every romantic evening you wonder will that be the one. I've not been in love like this in quite some time. And I realize how much I missed it.

The last time I was in love *like this* I was 16.
Not including my sun of course. I mean like love of a man... not of my blood. But I finally had to admit: I'm anxious. There. I said it.

And every milestone I wonder, why didn't it happen... then. Forget my uncle's big birthday bash -- the first large family event he escorted me to. Forget that our 2-year anniversary came and went. Forget my birthday, and random Hallmark holidays.... they came and went.

On The Exhaustion...

Warning: I'm in a sentimental mood... missing my dad like crazy.

Honestly? I'm this.close to being exhausted of the marriage idea: when it's gonna happen, why hasn't it happened for me, blogging about marriage... but it's all I can think about. (Dramatic). But really... it's everywhere: in my mailbox, on Facebook, in my family, on TV, in every old acquaintance asking "so what's been new with you? Married? Kids?" *sigh* Even if I was trying NOT to think about it.. it's in my face.

Plus the holidays always bring about a flood of wedding engagements and 2010 and 2011's holidays were no different. Three ladies I know, two Sorors and a Friend/Colleague all were proposed to on New Year's Eve and Christmas, respectively. And recently one more Soror got engaged and another just announced she was married. One of the fiance's said: "I want you to be a bridesmaid... but I know you'll say 'no'." Damn right I will! I'm tired of being a bridesmaid or "single" guest at every wedding I attend! (Often times people don't even let me bring a guest... just cause I'm not married I gotta come stag? Word?!) I thought the biological clock ticked for CHILDREN... well, I have my one and he's quite enough. I guess (as God intended) marriage and children are a combo deal. I'm missing a piece and my now 31 year old heart and soul is starting to feel it.

All my friends put up pics of them proudly flashing their rings to broadcast their happiness and it got me to seriously thinkin about the importance of that piece of jewelry. Seeing as how I've had serious conversations of a man's WANT to marry ME being the most important part of engagement over anything... how/where it's done or what he slides on to the left ring finger all be damned, but it's really something to have that feeling... no pressure, no shot guns, just good ol fashioned, "I really don't think I can do this life shit well without YOU." Now THAT'S something.

So when my friend who was so blunt to tell me I wasn't the 'rah-rah' girl asked: "Why don't you just propose to him?" I chuckled. After all... the whole reason behind a man proposing to a woman is because it's generally understood that women want to get married. Whereas men need some .... coaching.

When I was first proposed to I was 16 years old. And I don't mean on paper "Will You Marry Me" but he bought a ring, took me to a park and poured out his soul to me and then presented a cute little ring with a tiny diamond for which he spent the whole summer earning hundreds of dollars for. It was the most romantic thing I'd ever seen. I miss that feeling. Miss that want... I still have a poem about it. I cherished that ring for many years. It was the thought behind it, for me... It was simple.classic.elegant and represented a stage of life for us. Simply put: it was quite perfect for a 15 y/o boy to have picked out on his own.

But alas, engagements 1.5 / weddings 0 (the half really doesn't need a paragraph)

I know the history behind the Circle and it's symbolism as it pertains to marriage... I know why men get down on the left knee. But what does the diamond mean? Why is that lil thing so important?? You know the HISTORY of the diamond? A couple years back, a friend of mine got a ring for a Christmas present. A very pretty ring set in white gold with a pink stone and tiny diamond clusters. She's been waiting on her boyfriend to pop the question for a while... Seven yrs in fact. When she showed me the picture I was ecstatic. YAY! He proposed. "Girl, no. That is not an engagement ring."

*swamp sounds* "Well it certainly is pretty." I didn't understand. What was to stop that from being an engagement ring? If you really want to marry someone, but don't have the ends to purchase the ring (his excuse for why he hasn't done it) you want is it so wrong to be nontraditional with certain things? Get creative? What if you have a non-traditional girlfriend? Do you still try to traditionalize the moment or make it something special for the TWO of you. Who cares what society thinks!? ....sorry, tangent.

We spend our money on what we want to... if a man wants to buy an engagement ring he'll make it priority. If he doesn't want to buy an engagement ring, he'll buy shoes and trips and shit... for those fortunate enough to not have a gang of bills (UNlike me lol)... you have the luxury of making your own rules... what's important and what's not. My friend's Facebook status some months back was:

2k11 year of the reality check: If you 25 and older and have been dating someone for 5 years or more and are not engaged to be married... press pause give your relationship a reality check ... don't take 5 years heck don't take 1 but I will give 2 years just to be nice... waste no more time... ppl don't want to hear it but here it is and I am keeping it real....

And this convo developed into something about what else... jewelry (for some reason people always equate wedding to jewelry *smh*) Ex.H.I.T. used to always say to me... "don't take all day to recognize Sunshine..." Now while that relationship was flawed beyond belief... didn't he have a point? I've heard that from various men.. men in my life who've married, men on radio programs, that they know exactly if they want to marry you or not... early! So what does that say about the very long relationships?

The point is.... Now that I am a little older (and exhausted) I am starting to understand that the ring.... well that's easiest part. I'm realizing a man could keep the ring, if only I knew he genuinely loved me so much he wanted to be with me forever, officially. Not with me and continually texting/tickling an ex, not with me but meeting up with random potty-mouth, non-elegant females when I'm not looking... not with me but getting aroused by other means. Just.me. And maybe I'm naive for thinking that's possible... but I don't feel like it. I still feel like it's possible. I feel like I'm there.... just need a lil nudge in the proper direction... perhaps. (The "he" in this example is general.)

Because I'm NOT a "rah-rah" girl...
I have no desire to call or message females and ask them what they're doing texting, sucking or fucking my man. I have no desire to act a fool in public. I have no desire to throw things and yell to resolve conflict. I just wanna be loved. And love in return. I want to be faithful and know he's being faithful to me. I don't wanna act out in spite because he can't get right. *cues TLC's "Creep"*

So that leaves me in Limbo
I know you shouldn't measure success on marriage.... I was just granted quite a prestigious promotion at work, I have two guys who love me every day, solidly, I have a nice house, a truck and bills out the wazoo that I can pay.... most days lol... so why do I feel so incomplete? When life is going fairly well?

This is gonna be my last blog for a while... and my last on marriage as a single woman. Because at the end of the day, while I can't control it being all around me, I can at LEAST try to concentrate on other things... it's not like I ain't got shit goin on! I won't let the idea that I haven't been great enough consume me. Especially when so many non-great people marry every day. lol It's you; not me.

I simply have to remember that what is for me.... will be.

Just Saying Hello...

I'm working on a very large piece.... like so large I'ma need a lot of pics to make you feel like it's not that large. A lot of truths are gonna be revealed for me. Some people, myself included, probably aren't gonna like it. But it's all got to come out or something bad's gonna happen. ...well, not bad...that sounds dangerous.

To my silent partners/readers and snoopin ex boyfriends who read this blog: I'm still here.

I'm very well... I could be better. But couldn't we all?

Until the return..... keep smiling!

~*RBG*~

F.L.A.G.S.

"I returned to see under the sun that the swift do not have the race, nor the mighty ones the battle... time and unforeseen occurrence befall them all." ~Ecclesiastes 9:11

The race of dating can be very exciting... The green f.l.a.g. signals it's time to start... "and they're off!" Hot and heavy. You can't get enough of each other... you think about each other all throughout the day... you text/call just to say hi, about the happenings of your day, to say good morning/night, send pics of yourself while doing mundane tasks.

"Trying on more shoes! LOL :-)"

It's truly one of the best parts about Love. The newness, the smiles, the laughs, the mindset that nothing else matters at all but you, him and the beauty that is ya'll. Then you start to mellow out. You don't need to chat allll day... since you'll see him when you get off.. you may still say "I love you" at the end of the conversation but only if the mood is right. You're comfortable in your relationship. You're happy. Things aren't roses, butterflies and rainbows everyday but you're content with the progress you're making... little did you know after coasting comfortably through that lap... danger befalls you... yellow f.l.a.g. a problem arises... it could be a variation of things. Something that alters the mood, the chi, the atmosphere and it shakes the comfort zone... makes you wonder how a couple once so in looove could seem like total strangers around each other. You're in the same room not talking to each other... doing anything but in fact. And you don't even know how the hell you got there. It's because you didn't pay attention to the problems people create... the red f.l.a.g.s. when s/he reconnected with an "old friend" who s/he just happened to sleep with once upon a time. While you thought you were growing together s/he was out (re)connecting with people from the past or new b*tches/dudes all together.... and talking to that person for hours on end... 30-40-60 minute conversations... middle of the night phone calls... When s/he stopped having sex with you or complimenting you. When s/he couldn't even tell you what s/he thinks of you... "I think you're great... amazing... even though you get on my nerves sometimes.... I think you're a perfect parent to our child... I think I love you more each day..." anything but silence. When you stopped being friends first and only business partners... splitting the bills but not sharing feelings and having fun together... when s/he accepted a picture of his/her exes genitalia... when you read or found out that s/he still loved him/her...when s/he stopped caring what you thought about things, didn't ask your opinion... when s/he did things to intentionally hurt you... just to get back at you for something. When your grown up relationship felt like you were dating a child who can't open up to you and just have a conversation before they go and act out..... and then by the time those red f.l.a.g.s. appear... you have nowhere to go... you feel like you've wasted time on the wrong person... you discount all the good times you guys had together, someone doesn't wanna work at it to see where things went wrong. And you wave your white f.l.a.g. You quit. You surrender... You bow out. You've given it your best years ... all you had and failed. You're defeated... and before you know it you look up, and someone is waving that checkered f.l.a.g. signaling one last lap... you throw caution into the wind and go for it... and forget the race you just lost for the hope... the faith.... the determination and mindset of finally crossing the finish line.... yet after all your races... STILL unready and unprepared to lose again.

I been in this game for years; it made me a animal. It's rules to this sh*t; I wrote me a manual. A step-by-step booklet for you to get your game on track, not your wig pushed back. ~B.I.G. "10 Crack Commandments"

For the Love of the Almighty, Get Serious!

Perfect Timing

"If we wait for the moment when everything, absolutely everything, is right we shall never begin." ~Iva Turgenev

My biggest fear about dying, is wishing I had more time. Because we never know when death will come knocking but we KNOW it's gonna come (damn that Adam!) it's important to live every day to the fullest. But everybody SAYS that, but rarely do. I try not to spend a lot of time mad... or go to bed mad, what if I don't wake up? It's very important to me to leave this world making my presence felt and living my most content... this blog has a few variables... stay with me.

I reconnected with an old school buddy on Facebook who got engaged last year. I recently asked her how the wedding planning was going and when was the big day. She proceeded to tell me that they'd decided to postpone the wedding until 2012 (!) because she wanted it to be "right." I listened to her story and took it all in, but how much ownness do we put on the things that really don't matter.... really? I mean, I realize I'm not the typical girl. I haven't been thinking of my "dream wedding" since I was 9 and I'm more of a simple elegance ring or precious stone centered kinda girl than big, flashy "look at me!" rings. I'd much rather a small intimate location wedding with our closest family and friends that some big to do... I often think people use money and "getting it right" with apprehension because "It don't take a whole day to recognize sunshine." You either want to be married soon or you don't. She'd talked about their children a lot saying she'd been going to church and really wanted their family to be recognized by God, yet her wedding is more important than that.

Given the dreams I've been having lately, I am pretty sure whenever I find some unsuspecting fool to marry me, my wedding will be great in it's own right. A special day for US and no one else. Because when it really gets down to it, the wedding (with all the money that goes into it) is becoming more and more about the guests than the bride and groom. I went to an old friend's wedding a few weeks back... beautiful Michigan Ave set up.. it was AWESOME... but I know also that my friend (the groom) was spending a LOT of money to make sure guests thought it was awesome. I am just praying there's no wedding bill... we guests ate, drank well and the NEWLYWEDS are stuck with the bill... just doesn't make much sense to me. I think the whole reasoning and importance of weddings (marriage) are getting diluted with unimportant fears, insecurities and preconceived notions and images people want to maintain. When did it stop being about God? And love? And stuff? Why do people make up so many excuses to NOT officialize their love? When will it EVER really be the right time? Furthermore, we don't even know if we will be AROUND in 2012... I'd rather love you in holy matrimony now and be good in HIS eyes than risk it. But what do I know... I'm just a "single" girl in a big city.

Speaking of single girls... an old friend Facebooked me last week. This friend and I stopped talkin back in late 2008 / early 2009... and I don't know why... exactly. There was never any discussion or separation of things... she just one day wasn't returning my calls or messages. I'd even resorted to MySpace messaging her when I called her to congratulate her on her graduation and never heard anything but she sent me a MYSPACE message saying thank you. I'd discussed how to approach this friend with a few people in my circle... but never was able to place the solution. So it was surprising to see her pop back up in my Facebook messages.

Our conversation was fluid... as our friendship once had been but all I kept thinking about was why she walked away from our friendship in the first place. What'd I done so badly that constituted an abrupt cease and dismissal like I never existed... what sparked me in her memory? Pics of us in New Orleans for spring break. Do we all have those moments? Those... I miss this person moments... and at what point do we look into them or keep them on the shelf.

There's this old saying, that "People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Once you figure out which it is, you will know exactly what to do." I totally believe that. We're supposed to get together for lunch/dinner sometime in October... if it never happens I can at least NOW be content on knowing that I tried my best... I made an impact... and in the end, that's what matters...

It's never gonna be the right time to do what we must or need to do... just do it, trusting and knowing that it will be just as it should. I'm not waiting for the right time anymore... I'm going to take chances and continue to be happy.

I love my life... and each person in it. Let's just do it already...

Dreaming in Reality

"Last night I had a dream, thoughts of you were in my head... felt soo real to me, this is what (it) said...." ~ "It Was All A Dream" Jay-Z

I had a dream that he proposed to me on a Sunday morning, and by noon Monday we were married at the Daley Center (assuming that's where that happens cause I haven't the slightest idea) Monday night our ring fingers were tatted... because I dream in color, we spent the first newlywed year vibrant and lively... growing in the Truth and stepping over worldly pressures... and then we partied and celebrated with our closest family and friends at our anniversary party renewing our vows, dancing up a storm and all smiles...

Hey, a (Real Black) Girl can dream.... can't she? :-)

image source: http://clubs.plattsburgh.edu/museum/studio6.htm

Please God, Let it Begin!

I stumbled upon this site today and I was like WOW... where have you been all my life!? I really love what's going on here! And I am hitting the Chicago premiere of "You Saved Me" with some homegirls...

Enjoy this read, an excerpt from their blog. Between them, the Obamas, Kindred the Family Soul, and the Owens... I am starting to believe that a real, successful happily ever after can exist... from the first family to the normal family... to my family... *crosses fingers... prays... does a couple hail Mary's... throws salt... clicks heels together*

Please God, Don't Let It End!!!

By Lamar and Ronnie Tyler on June 29, 2010 6:52 AM

by Ronnie Tyler

Hubby: Hey boo

Me: Hey babes we miss u

Hubby: Follow my tweets today

Me: Ok

My husband and I were texting as he attended an all day social media conference a few weeks ago. I love him to death!! And when we are apart, I miss him dearly. And when he comes home after being away, I am so excited to see him. Please God, don't let this feeling end!!

We have been together for 7 years and married for almost five years. When people see us, they think our love is so cute. When they ask how long we've been married, they say: "Oh you are newlyweds." Newlyweds?? Since when does being married for 5 years make you a newlywed??? Wikipedia says that you are considered a newlywed: if you have been married for less than one or two years, or until you have kids, or until you stop behaving like newlyweds (i.e. laughing, playing, having lots of sex, etc.) Well we have been married for almost 5 years, we have 4 kids (a blended family) and we have not stopped acting like newlyweds!! Please God, don't let it end!!

It's almost like people expect you to grow apart and to just settle into a routine that does not include having fun, being excited about each other, being playful, etc. While I know that everyday life can get hectic, stressful, busy, tiring...etc, I don't believe that I have to settle for a life without playful moments, missing someone, having a friend, a lover, and a boo .

So how do we plan to keep the excitement alive? As Ayize and Aiyana say, we will be intentional about making our marriage work by:

• Continuously working on our marriage (education, workshops, reading materials, counseling...whatever it takes to keep it strong.)
• Continue to date each other and ensure that set aside quality time to spend with each other
• Continue to be affectionate with each other (daily hugs, kisses and I love yous...)

After dating my husband for a couple of months, I called my friend that introduced us and said Lamar is a sweetie pie. And almost 7 years later, he's still my sweetie pie...my boo. Please God, don't let it end!!

Essence family, how do you keep the excitement alive in your marriage and relationships?

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com. They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage and the newly released You Saved Me. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

*pulled from Essence

On To The Next One

"The same way you get 'em, is the same way you lose 'em" ~Soror W.

So I have been hearing story after story of the Alicia Keyes and Swizz Beatz rumors to the point where I finally decided I needed to say my two cents on the matter. And some people ain't gonna like it.






Stop being mad at Alicia Keys!
(Yeah, I said it!)

I just read Mashonda's open letter TwitTM to Alicia Keys about ruining her marriage and I was floored. Why do women always attack the "other" woman? Be it verbally or physically? I will never understand. Speaking AS a woman who has been cheated on, left for another woman, I can honestly say I've never been THAT chick. No Tweets for me. No MySpace or Facebook stalking your life... or lives together.... it's just whatever it is. I may have had some choice words for him, but that's to be expected. He's the one that looked me in MY face, told me he loved me, would never hurt/leave me, blahditty. Mashonda's case a bit different. He was her husband... and apparently they'd been married a long time. Five years in fact. They'd taken vows before God that they would "forsaken all others." Swizz broke that vow... not Alicia. (Now, I am simply giving an example AS IF the rumor they were having an affair is true... I am still not so sure it is.) [Below are actual excerpts of the Twit, from Vibe.com]

"Me and my husband have worked out our differences. We are in a good place as people and as parents. I accept his choices and I am comfortable enough with myself to move on."

Now this the shit I don't get... so your husband, of FIVE years who you just had a son by and you are in a GOOD place... you accept his choices... WHY on earth are you still reaching out to Alicia Keys? Is she not supposed to be happy she's in love/engaged/pregnant? Is she not supposed to talk about her happiness? What explanation or apology or "concern" does she owe you? Like Judge Judy say, she didn't take your vows with you (IF this alleged affair really did take place) HE did.

It's easy to tell the (other) woman, in a nutshell, "yeah um, we still together and happy..... he still come see me, visit me, with me, sleeps with me..... we gettin back together... you're just a side piece... you this or you that..." but most of these scorned wives generally know the score but are gonna tell the other woman whatever she needs to in attempts, to rattle thangs up. Get under the (other) hers skin.

"My concern with AK is no longer the fact that she assisted in destroying a family but that she has the audacity to make these selfish comments about love and wanting to be with someone, even after knowing their situation."

We really don't know WHAT she knew if you really wanna get down to it. For all we know, Alicia Keys could have found out ex-wifey was pregnant via a text sent to Swizz when Keys was on her way out of town/the country. She probably confronted him about it because he didn't mention it and started to do the math and figured in order for her to be pregnant, that would mean they were sleeping together more recently than what Swizz originally told her and now she's a victim of circumstance cause she's head over heels for him and sometimes it's not that easy to walk away from love especially with him saying he still wants to be with her. (This is all hypothetical... I think.) Further, she can't "assist" in destroying a family that was already destroyed. I refuse to believe people walk away from perfectly happy marriages. When it's a well-known fact that MOST people cheat because of some void they feel at home. I just can't see them not having a conversation or three about issues in their marriage.

I'm not judging you, I put you and the whole situation in the hands of God, the Higher Power.

Why do people DO that?! We're all in God's hands way before any transgression. Like we each have some super powers that put our issue in front of the BILLIONS Jehovah has to deal with on a daily basis... always talking God's hands and Karma and all that... when your religion probably doesn't even believe in Karma! Cut that out people!

According to Swizz, in an article on Zimbio, they'd been separated 10 months... how stories can conflict, hunh?

NOW, in NO way am I condoning extramarital affairs. Should I ever find some unsuspecting fool to marry me it is my largest concern cause I truly think men create their own problems with the emotional connections they keep. Setting themselves up for FAILURE. The flesh is weak and as we remember from my last post, the mind controls the body. We already know more than half of marriages fail... we just all go into 'em hoping we'll be apart of the minority.

Mostly, the cataclyst for this blog? I just want people to start taking responsibility for their own shit. No one can destroy your marriage/relationship. We do that on our own. No one can "take" your lover... your lover willingly goes. No one OWES you any sort of respect, concern, or discussion... so just be happy when you get it.

I said I would be continuing to support her career. Nobody wants to look at that sh--. They wanna look at 'Alicia Keys.' That sh-- is ignorant." ~Swizz Beatz

Exactly.. if you gonna look at anybody... look at Swizz! LOL ... but no, forreal.

ONLY Swizz and Alicia know what they were really doing or — for THAT matter — what Swizz was really telling her while they were doing what they were doing, because they can concoct some very elaborate stories, can't they?

All that being said, I hope Alicia watches herself. She may wake up a couple years later with a beautiful seed, finding that her hubz still holds a closer relationship to his ex than she thinks. Scorned wives have a way of trolling their ex's new relationship and just staying on top of it. Because they WANT that relationship to fail. They want someone (specifically her) to experience what they did, even if they SAY they don't. So be leery, girl, of her sending old pics, texting about the good times, pictures of body parts, inappropriate conversations nothing to do with the child, asking him to get her a new wardrobe, hair done, shoes (and not with alimony or child support but out of YA'LLs money) and him ACTUALLY DOING IT, referencing their marriage CONSTANTLY, reliving the engagement and when he bought the ring, all the "remember when?s" and possibly taking your child out with theirs behind your back like THEY'RE a family! Like Sunshine Anderson said, "I heard it ALL before!"

My Soror constanly uses the phrase: "The way you get him is the way you gone lose him."
Sometimes we don't realize how we got 'em.... you just a victim of circumstance. On to the next one...

Sources: maniestopart2.com, thehoodtime.com, dailymail.co.uk, vibe.com, zimbio.com

Growing Nowhere Fast

(random thoughts from various situations I've witnessed over the past couple weeks)

We smile at each other, and kiss like we mean it...
Right before we secret text and email anotha of how we miss her... wanna see her... wish we could be with her.
The person we'd be perfect for If he wasn't stuck with you..
I keep thinking we're growing, but we're going nowhere fast.
You can pray to Jehovah all you want, but nothing will change until you make the decision... to change.
He is all powerful, but the will to do well has to be there.
We call what we have fate, but fate can't even keep our minds on only each other... so what are we really doing here... anyway?
I'm tired of relationships failing due to selfishness, yet, I've been through so much, I now want to try my hand at selfish.
The hope for future is... fucked.
Every time I see the lies after I think we're doing so well... what is it that you want? Explain it to me.
Why are you with ME? When you miss her so? Want to be with her so? Lie to me about her... so?
I'm in my relationship and you in yours, yet you speak so heartfelt to each other when our mates turns their necks... this is bullshit.. and I'm so sad cause while I'm being mad at you, I'm mad at myself... cause we both want to be somewhere else.
So why are we still here?
Don't settle for me...
Don't settle for you...
I don't want to marry into a lie... You should be my door number 1. I should be yours... at this point, it's lookinng like the success of black relationships is really behind door number 3...
It's so sad...
I don't know where this is going anymore... and starting to wonder why I feel so passionately about it... or care.
We suck.


I'm trying to save black relationships... be apart of that 10% of the real ones that make it... and I am trying my very BEST to continue the positivity... but I hate it that it's so hard. Hate that we make it so.so hard..... Wake UP man... wake up... you've got such a good thing, don't lose her for naught.

It Ain't Cheatin Till...

*sings*Him and her, as far as can be... S-E-X-T-I-N-G
First comes emotion, then comes regret, then comes a problem they can't soon forget.

I miss the time of unlocked cell phones and trusting mates... technology has really taken a turn since our younger years. I remember when I had the young Smart Beep pager, remember when 4-3-7-7-0 and 1-4-3 were cute little codes, remember when phones didn't have lock codes... what are you hiding in there anyways? With all the SEXTING rage and things that have hit close to home for me in the past of my mate textually pouring his heart out to the wrong girl, I often worry that this will ultimately be the figurative death of my relationship... a friend of mine just recently found something very disturbing in her man's cellphone... and as someone who's been there, I could only sympathize with her. They always say, seek and you shall find. But some shit, you're just supposed to know.... some shit you're supposed to TELL your mate. Sexting, I'm learning is looked at as something that's "not that bad." If a woman sends a pic of her pu$$y or ass, or her doing a sexual act, it's like looked over as NOT being disrespectful... but isn't it? I mean, porn is one thing but sexting and video conferencing masturbation from an ex who you can easily talk to or see any given minute of the day/week... is that not disrespectful to the homefront?

I ask cause I want clarification... I mean, being a flirt, I can often remember catching myself harmlessly doing so with a complete stranger while getting my car out of valet or walkin through a mall if I'm spoken to first, but no numbers were exchanged and definitely no pics of body parts sent. When I was single, one person used to send me penis shots... just random penis shots I guess to give me a preview... when I got them then I would smile and send something flirty... when I told that person I was now in a relationship all of a sudden the random penis shots stopped. I guess that's the difference in someone who really wants to work on their relationship vs. someone who's just always gonna continue to do whatever the fock he/she wants... no matter how their partner feels about it?

And then the question of "is it really that big a deal?" comes into play... but isn't it? Conversations of that nature, ESPECIALLY with someone you used to physically DO just ain't cool... she sending pics of her half nekkid in the bathroom for pic IDs and shit... ugh... and ya'll wonder why I worry about the future of relationships? Really? We do some dumb sh*t... and often... with little regard for the other person. A complete and utter "single till you're married" approach to love and life... but what a way to show you care? right? Versus like acting accordingly. Not saying I'm perfect... I'm certainly not... but I miss the days of unlocked cell phones... the days where people didn't have to delete threads of conversations and their entire email inbox to destroy all the disrespectful shit they do when their mate isn't looking... would you have deleted it if she couldn't find it? Why were you doing it in the first place?? I'm so nervous ya'll... I can only keep praying that Jehovah has something better for MY relationship and that I won't have to go through that once again... I couldn't trust easily again if I did. And would a locked cell phone now make me wonder? Absolutely... it's a product of my emotional environment. I am forever tarnished by that act... cause if I'm not doing it for you, I'd much rather you tell me and I can find somebody I do it (and oh so much more) for. Why waste our time if you're going to emotionally (or physically) cheat....

Is the "ain't cheating till you're married" the new phenomenon?? I mean, what's really the scientific reasoning to why people can't DO right? Why play these awful, awful games??? What ever happened to perfect practice makes perfect? Act in your relationship how you will when you're married and recognized by God! or get the hell on...

Am I overreacting?

I'm a 30 y/o unmarried woman... and I approve this message.

Everyone's a Critic

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone... but don't let him throw them all at me, cause your shit stinks too!!

Priority Male

Do people still think the grass is greener elsewhere? Like do people really still drop a relationship/situation on it's head because of the hope and thought that someone else will better deal with their crap, screw them better, cook everyday, clean, sing in the shower, whatever?

I ask because I don't... anymore. But often times in the past have wondered if I sometimes should. I've been known to stick to people and jobs for much longer than I probably should have and ended up getting burned in the end and by burned I mean heartbroken or fired. I often think too much about... well, everything. This is what makes me a (partially good and mildly entertaining) writer, because I've always got something on my mind, and sometimes when the mood hits me I will put that thought to paper... today's thought: people and their priorities.

Now that I've entered my third decade of life, my focus has shifted a lot. I find great joy most of the time in doing nothing but spending time with my family doing the simple things. Lately though, I've felt the Boot of Boredom on my neck... I look to do things outside of the house and find the desire of certain people to do those things with me is lacking. Is it because I'm a mom and people can see me as nothing else? Did people forget how much fun I can be when I disrobe from my Mom garb and just be RBG? What's really so fascinating about being in the house anyway? Trust me, I've spent goo gobs of time in here and unless you're feet to Jesus, tipsy and watching a good fight or game, or cuddled watching a movie -- not just watching a movie, the cuddle is what makes it nice -- it's really not that awesome... and frankly, I'm sick of it.

You'd hope as you age, others age. As you grow, others grow... but when you think about it, we're all really still the little kid inside. We handle our business and take care of our responsibilities because we were raised right, but truth is, we would really rather be without said responsibilities... and when you get right down to it, we just want to do whatever we want to do. But when you have a family, you can't... well you can't IF you're a good, responsible person.

Where do your priorities fall? What and WHO is really important to you now? How important is it to you to keep it?? .... what would you do to keep it, if one day it was all snatched from you?

This post is all over the place... but so is my mind right now...

Happy Saturday....

Congratulations... ?

yet another ex, jumped the broom.... to someone who's nothing like me.

At some point, I guess I'm going to have to come to terms with some reality:

that....

hmmm, what IS the reality???

TO BE CONTINUED.... *sigh*

Flash Forward

"This shit was all I knew, you and me only... I did it all for you, still you were lonely... we coulda worked it out... I'm gone need you to say something baby.." ~Drake

At some point, we'll all have to choose a road to take... a road to happiness. We can't ever truly travel that road to the best of our ability if we're steady looking back or wondering about the road we never took. My Soror called me this morning and spent a great deal of my start discussing her relationship with her man who she's been loving for a long time... and recently found out he was still buying things for his ex. Not for the child they got together, but for her. Like, for her birthday he got her an outfit and her hair done... and some random gifts here and there. And wanted my take on the situation... as if *I* know what the hell I'm talking about.

Despite my personal feelings about the example given... I think we all basically need to get real!

Why do we make forever so hard??? If you're happy where you are, why do you create so much conflict outside of that? Use that energy, that MONEY and invest in your current situation.

"I ran across something the other day that made me blink, made me think that this forever type shit you been sellin me, is nothing but a fantasy cause you can't recognize the real... from the fake... holding on to a toxic past... one that ruined you, and is trying to ruin us."~Sanni Blue

My answer to her, to him, was simple: Let the past GO... finally... and embrace your beautiful FUTURE!

It really doesn't have to be so difficult... sheesh! How the heck do we get to forever with such tom foolery!?

I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Order of Things

"I called my ex and told her I was changing my order... she didn't wanna hear that." ~ Steve Harvey Live at the Venue

There comes a time in our lives where we have to change the order of things... that's the synopsis of what Steve Harvey said when I was gifted with the opportunity to see him live at The Venue in Hammond, IN for my born day. (Thanks babe!)

We saw him perform on the eve of his birthday (Capricorn! Yah!), so after he split our sides with hilarity, they brought out a cake for him as a surprise and after the Stevie Wonder version of "Happy Birthday" he began to TEACH us some things. Sidebar: I always find it funny when people dog him about his book."How someone who been married 3 times gonna tell me about relationships?!" I mean, really, aren't those the people we should take heed from? Those who been through it? Failed at it? Endured through it? Tried again till they got it right? How hard is it to find someone who has been truly and HAPPILY married for many moons? Still living well enough to tell the stories. The answer is extremely. I appreciate someone who's been there sharing some knowledge cause in a time of 58% divorce rates (may be higher these days) we need all the help we can get. *rant over*

Anywho... the "message" was how we can make things better for ourselves... by changing our order: 1. God; 2. Family; 3. Education; 4. Career. Saying if we start to get our priorities right all things will begin to transcend... he went on to say that we are always mixing up our order which is what sets us back individually with our different trials and tribulations.

When someone leaned over to kiss me on the cheek during that message is when I realized, he knew too that our order was merging. I am loving the order of things... it feels great to say I am happy while staring in another person's eyes... and mean it. I couldn't always do that. It feels great to have a tiff and instead of looking for the first bail out plan or thinking about the green grass elsewhere I want to tend to my own lawn. It's great to be in a place where all parties involved understand it's the work of everyone on the team that wins championships. I am loving the order of things. To sit down and study the Bible with my mate is something so foreign to me... I wouldn't have IMAGINED doing that just a few short years ago... it's the order of things..

My career, while sometimes on my nerves, is fulfilling to me. My education is solid... it's the order of things. I want to keep.this.feeling.... this.order. Trying to do right, isn't as hard as we make it out to be when we know the proper order of things.

I know I haven't always made the best decisions in my 30 years on this planet, nor always did what I was supposed to do, and I am sure I will screw up from time to time, but it truly feels like all is (becoming) right now. Things are molding just because I've realized what's important and solidified that order. It's never easy or given to us without work and sweat, but it CAN be ours if we just take the time.

I can only pray, He continues to walk along side this blessing... cause the devil stays busy. Thank God for order.

Let's get in order, ya'll.

art source: http://www.amazeartgallery.com

I'm All In...

photo courtesy of photos.tobinhosting.com/d/4682-2/aag.jpg

INTROSPECTION

"Commit the oldest sins, the newest kind of ways."
~ W. Shakespeare

I've not done much in life that I regret.... OK, not anything... but at times, lately, more often than not, I regret... that. I wish I'd stuck out my decision... not caved under hardship. Remembered why I made decisions I made and not allowed a sweet, innocent face to deter me. Because times change, people... generally don't. And this is as it will probably always be. I have been filled with SO many thoughts as these last months of 2009 linger and die...where the fock did this year go anyway? A year ago, I had a new outlook on life... and in the course of 12-months, I had a dream deferred, a job that told me to go kick rocks and an altering of position that I never, ever expected.

30 seemed so far away 9 years ago... hell even 4 years ago at 25... and now here she is... standing along-side a practicing her lines 29, before the curtain comes up for her big show. Fidgeting with her nervous fingers and listening to Lauryn Hill bellow... "they got sooo much to say right now... they've got so much to say..." Wondering what she still has to prove... and who to. Wondering why life has played out this way. Why she's perfect for someone she can't have the way she wants him. Why she's not married. Wondering how she was so blessed to have a beautiful, healthy sun who accepts and doesn't care about any of her faults...to him, she is perfect and all he ever needs.

She paces behind that curtain, wondering if she's still got it... wondering if her voice is back and will it be heard.... scared this debut could go extremely well or fail in flames. The crowd is getting antsy.... but then she remembers... she's never looked better. She's blessed beyond measure... and sometimes you have to live for the moment. SO with that said, she stops being sooo apprehensive... starts knowing that even if this is her very last show.... it will be spectacular...

Because she has learned to seize the day.... live in this moment. For the first time in her life, she's headlining!

I may not always trust my first mind... and listen to my heart before my head... but it's gotten me into just as many great situations as it has "second-thoughts"....I was nervous about 30, but as it nears, I'm learning that my life IS dramatic, and full of ups and downs, but my successes and triumphs aren't to be discounted JUST because I am at times an emotional mess and unmarried.

30 is gonna have just as much good stuff... and it's nothing to be afraid of... time to perform!

"Live in de light!"
~ Fertile Ground

I miss Janet.

But I loooove YouTube...

Impromptu Interview 2 today went amazingly well... numba 3 toma.

There will be some sanity soon... yes? :)

The rain is Lucifer himself. That is all. Makes ya wanna....

Private Public Thoughts...

I'm a very private person.

You prolly couldn't tell from all that I share via blogspot and Facebook statuses, but it's true. There's only so much I choose to share with you guys and my near 300 Facebook friends. Some of it is probably TMI... "RBG is constipated"... my blogs dissecting why relationships fail, etc., buuuut, there's still a limit. I keep my personal life very separate. So it's difficult for me when people bring something to me from the Internet of all places, asking me questions about certain situations that other people have put in their blog, or on their Facebook page, or in their Twitter update. Ugh. Social Networking indeed a bitter-sweet tool used by the masses.

Some people use their blogs as their creative outlet, their Facebook pages as their time to yell at their bosses for being idiots, cussin out their baby mama or daddy, men in general, life, tellin their friends how terrible their day is, how great it is etc. But at what point are we taking it too far and putting somebody out there that really just wants to be left alone?

Walking with my Sorors yesterday, one was telling me how her daughter's father had asked her to spend the night. (They aren't together.) I asked her what she was gonna say/do and she said she didn't know because while she wanted to entertain the idea, she didn't want to do it at his house because she didn't want people seeing her show up there after everything they'd seen them go through. "I don't want the shame" she said honestly between giggles.

I saw two long-time friends beef on Facebook. Facebook! Being rude to the other when the other was just expressing her hurt over actions in a anonymous way. It's real and it's deep out here.

What we don't realize is every time someone is in our business, they are judging us... maybe not rudely or out loud, but they are wondering. Putting our partners or spouses or even friends in hard places they can't bounce back from, or even if they could, they probably wouldn't want to. I always make sure to choose one confidant, besides the Almighty, to talk to in times of turmoil. I don't want to tell a LOT of people the score because who knows what might happen in the future. Avoiding that same shame. We all make choices in this life. Sometimes the wrong ones and we have to live with that.

This blog is a ramble, but the moral is: It sucks to be the topic of something you can't control. Almost like gossip. And generally I don't worry about gossip cause the person spreading it often doesn't know the whole story. The reason I would never make it as a memoir writer or have an auto-biography? Cause when people are done, they'll say something like, "well, that was vague as hell!" I like being on ya mind, but not every single detail of me. Like showing up to a seduction asshole naked.. where's the mystery? You don't have to divulge every detail of yourself or your loved ones to build a following, be the most popular negro on Facebook... if sharing/writing for release and clarity and not popularity, there are other ways to achieve it, without stepping on those who helped hold you up. Or the ones you claim to hold so dear to your heart.

I would never put MY ppl out there like that, especially people that I claim(ed) to love... but seems all is fair in love and social networking.

For shame.

Uncanny... Or God?

SO, I have been on this spiritual battlefield for a few months. I've picked up everything from The Qur’an, the King James version of The Bible, The New World Translation version, and a "Born Again" pamphlet I was given some years back off my bookshelf alone; I've Googled Buddism and African Methodist Episcopal, and even non denominational, lol... just all around random goodness.

Monday, I got a very looong message from someone studying a religion, but not yet baptized. In that email, there were a lot of accusations and just plain hurtful, accusatory words. While I don't hold that against the religion he studies... I did wonder what the hell is the point. A person of that same religion has been a royal pain in my ass for the last three years... a huge contradiction, an full of all the things her religion says no to... what's the point?

But I feel like there's a void.

Tuesday, I was invited to church by one of the biggest sinners I know. lol Telling me I need to get into a church home. What's the point?

Wednesday, IMing with my friend:
1:58:27 PM RBG: I think I need some more Jesus in my life, twin... but I am confused
1:59:15 PM L: about what?
1:59:42 PM L: don't be over there having 'like Mike' episodes, we don't have to be totally alike
2:00:05 PM RBG: me and organized religion don't really work out so well
2:00:17 PM RBG: trying to decide which is like choosing a job
2:00:25 PM L: so why choose?
2:00:35 PM RBG: *shrugs* aren't you supposed to?
2:00:42 PM L: I hope not
2:00:43 PM L: lol
2:00:54 PM RBG: lol
2:01:09 PM L: There are non denominational churches out there now
2:01:22 PM L: and I tried even w/the smaller church, it just wasn't me
2:02:05 PM RBG: a non denominational smaller church?
2:02:18 PM RBG: I've found non-denoms to be a lil bit too cultish
2:02:23 PM L: I think it was COGIC
2:02:40 PM L: the problem there was they just wanted everybody involved
2:02:49 PM L: and I like involvement in what I want
2:02:52 PM RBG: right
2:02:55 PM L: not chatty Cathy's in my business
2:02:55 PM RBG: don't pressure me
2:03:19 PM L: exactly

What's the point?

The point is, my own personal relationship with God aside (I've always been the person to say, it doesn't matter what your religion, but your personal relationship with God that will be the determining factor but let's face it) it lacks proper guidance. I currently TRY to pray all the time. Instead of JUST when I need something or when something goes wrong, but I'm noticing more and more prayers of convenience. I'm not sure if being honest about that is a strike for or against me... but it is the truth.

Thursday morning, a well-dressed young man and his adorable son (maybe 5 or 6 years old) came to my house to talk about what I think about people who say "everyone goes to Heaven." And I was stunned, cause I'm like hmmm... "I've never heard that everyone goes to heaven." So we talked scriptures and compared Bibles and he gave me a pamphlet. The title of that pamphlet?

"How Can You Choose a Good Religion?"

I was really blown away. So now I am reading it from cover to cover to see if it can offer some of the answers I seek.

Just out of curiosity... what is your religion? Were you born into it or did you choose it or both? Do you even believe you need religion? Why or why not? It's times like this when I really miss my strong following... hopefully there will be some hits because I would really like to know how people feel about this.