Uncanny... Or God?

SO, I have been on this spiritual battlefield for a few months. I've picked up everything from The Qur’an, the King James version of The Bible, The New World Translation version, and a "Born Again" pamphlet I was given some years back off my bookshelf alone; I've Googled Buddism and African Methodist Episcopal, and even non denominational, lol... just all around random goodness.

Monday, I got a very looong message from someone studying a religion, but not yet baptized. In that email, there were a lot of accusations and just plain hurtful, accusatory words. While I don't hold that against the religion he studies... I did wonder what the hell is the point. A person of that same religion has been a royal pain in my ass for the last three years... a huge contradiction, an full of all the things her religion says no to... what's the point?

But I feel like there's a void.

Tuesday, I was invited to church by one of the biggest sinners I know. lol Telling me I need to get into a church home. What's the point?

Wednesday, IMing with my friend:
1:58:27 PM RBG: I think I need some more Jesus in my life, twin... but I am confused
1:59:15 PM L: about what?
1:59:42 PM L: don't be over there having 'like Mike' episodes, we don't have to be totally alike
2:00:05 PM RBG: me and organized religion don't really work out so well
2:00:17 PM RBG: trying to decide which is like choosing a job
2:00:25 PM L: so why choose?
2:00:35 PM RBG: *shrugs* aren't you supposed to?
2:00:42 PM L: I hope not
2:00:43 PM L: lol
2:00:54 PM RBG: lol
2:01:09 PM L: There are non denominational churches out there now
2:01:22 PM L: and I tried even w/the smaller church, it just wasn't me
2:02:05 PM RBG: a non denominational smaller church?
2:02:18 PM RBG: I've found non-denoms to be a lil bit too cultish
2:02:23 PM L: I think it was COGIC
2:02:40 PM L: the problem there was they just wanted everybody involved
2:02:49 PM L: and I like involvement in what I want
2:02:52 PM RBG: right
2:02:55 PM L: not chatty Cathy's in my business
2:02:55 PM RBG: don't pressure me
2:03:19 PM L: exactly

What's the point?

The point is, my own personal relationship with God aside (I've always been the person to say, it doesn't matter what your religion, but your personal relationship with God that will be the determining factor but let's face it) it lacks proper guidance. I currently TRY to pray all the time. Instead of JUST when I need something or when something goes wrong, but I'm noticing more and more prayers of convenience. I'm not sure if being honest about that is a strike for or against me... but it is the truth.

Thursday morning, a well-dressed young man and his adorable son (maybe 5 or 6 years old) came to my house to talk about what I think about people who say "everyone goes to Heaven." And I was stunned, cause I'm like hmmm... "I've never heard that everyone goes to heaven." So we talked scriptures and compared Bibles and he gave me a pamphlet. The title of that pamphlet?

"How Can You Choose a Good Religion?"

I was really blown away. So now I am reading it from cover to cover to see if it can offer some of the answers I seek.

Just out of curiosity... what is your religion? Were you born into it or did you choose it or both? Do you even believe you need religion? Why or why not? It's times like this when I really miss my strong following... hopefully there will be some hits because I would really like to know how people feel about this.

Disturbing Behavior

So my friends have been coming out the woodworks wid men issues the past two weeks... and I've even had my own. All of which spawned me to think about the morality in dating and love for a few days and I was conflicted on how to get this post jumpin... there were so many issues I wanted to cover and then realized I was getting redundant. So I have tried to make myself more concise, and sum up the major bullet points that were my hodgepodge of thoughts.


"How can I really love you, if I don't trust you?"

I have always been a flirt... sometimes I think it's in my DNA. But I do it subconsciously most of the time (unless I am trying to get drinks for the whole table of married/taken women out of some unsuspecting young man at a club or lounge) and it is usually harmless and done in jest. I try to be more conscious of it when I am in a relationship because I don't want to be misread. Luckily for me tho, guys don't think that much into it, so if a woman is flirting with them, but then later doesn't give them the time of day, he shrugs it off and forgets about her... generally.

Women are usually not one in the same... especially if that woman is single. If you, a man, flirt with her, and you're attractive to her, I guarantee you on some level she's going to want to wonder what it might be like to be with you rather on an emotional or sexual level... and do (in many cases) whatever she must to continue that interest... whether you are taken or not. Because a majority of them are scandalous every woman likes to feel wanted. Point blank period. And if she is in a relationship where her current isn't often telling her how much he appreciates her, her body, her humor, her scent, her beauty and this random handsome over here will... she's more susceptible to listen. And this is how cheating ensues. And listen carefully when I say, cheating does not always have to be sexual in nature. It is also emotional. Carrying on conversations (verbal, textual, written) that you know your spouse or significant other would hang you over is rude and unacceptable. For it is that emotional connection that binds us first, and then we want to see what that do in bed. I'm not saying it's right... I'm just saying it is what it is. Don't shoot the messenger it is the truth. It is also important to add here that if you are in a relationship and the person you're flirting wid knows you're spoken for but still chumming it up it GENERALLY makes them wonder about your moral code... but not for long cause we as humans, are always, always gonna do what we want to do and what makes us feel good.

Then when all this occurs, someone has cheated... the trust is broken at that very moment it's brought to light. (And all things done in the dark will come to light.) It's very hard to come back from that. For me, trust is not given right off the bat -- several of my homegirls disagree wid this approach, but the way I feel is I can't trust someone I don't know... that's like trusting the dude walkin next to you, not knowin if he's a pickpocket, a rapist or otherwise... I'm not sayin I be on the defensive wid every guy I meet, but I ain't gwan let him hold my pocketbook. Seen? So when I finally do entrust my heart into you and accept you as my King, I expect you to act accordingly and I therefore trust you until you give me a reason not to. But what happens when someone puts him or herself in a position to be human and make mistakes... is there amnesty for that? Unfortunately it's hard to get trust back ... sometimes it's impossible... especially if your behavior and attitude don't change. And it's damn hard to love someone you don't trust... which is why I always sever ties... why make things difficult for both of us.

*authors note: I would probably be willing to consider counseling if I were married and if the other person were willing... notice how I know it would him who cheated. I don't put myself in compromising positions to cheat. Take note.


I love you... but I'm not IN love wid you
OK, seriously man... wtf? How have we been dating for months, damn near living together, blending families and you're not "in love?" I'll kill you... to my homie girl, choke.him.out. That is all.

I want to marry you, eventually
I think of Steve Harvey who is constantly yelling at women in that loud southern drawl that men don't need forever to know they want you as their wife and that money matters are generally a cop out. While I do respect the gangster of a man who can share a household, often a child(ren) and debt with a woman without a marriage certificate but hasn't popped the question, I do it not for the reasons you think I might. I only respect it, because that's Jah's way of telling that woman to get the hell out. "So let me get this straight... we married, everywhere but on paper... you want me to cosign for a car, but can't solidify this before God and a hundred of our closest friends and family?" Kill yaself. lol

Relationships are not a 70/30 split
The other day I bought dinner for my potential king and I... while I was out picking up dinner, he washed my dishes. I couldn't help but smile at the flash forward of making sure to always play your role. It made me think how nice it could be as an Us...

It's good to find a man who understands the importance of compromise. And before you yell, talkin bout "RBG, those men don't exist dammit!" Allow me to tell you that they DO, but just are few and far between. Not only are they out there, but they looking for you too. Sometimes they come in a different shell than your fairytale made them appear, but all the important components (honest, loving, sentimental, romantic... all that girly shit you care about) are there. You just have to look deep within his eyes.

Never make someone your priority when you're only an option to them
I cried and cried... and cried when I left my last relationship. Wondering why I couldn't be everything he needed... Bawling bout how I gave him my all... till one day my homeboy said... "well, why on earth would you do that, dear, when he wasn't giving you all of him? Never make someone priority when you're only an option to him. I taught you better" And I dried my eyes and began healing.

As women, it's second nature to give all of ourselves in a relationship but we never really figure out the cost:benefit ratio. I will put as much as I am giving into a relationship, so it's important to give the very best of you and I will reciprocate accordingly.

It is only when we learn to notice and combat these disturbing behaviors that we will truly have successful relationships, marriages, families... I refuse to believe Ossie and Ruby made it as far as they did not understanding the basic principles on preserving black love. I can't wait to see what their book teaches me. Thanks, birthday fairy.

What a Difference a Bookcase Makes...

So since getting back to Chicago three years ago, I had removed my bookcase from my tiny first one-bedroom studio to make room for my then boyfriend and later our child. Three people (well, two and a quarter) in a one-bedroom studio is not comfortable or sexy but it was what we could do at the time. I moved out my cheap little $30 bookcase when I had the bright idea to move the bookcase still loaded. The result was a wobbly mess of a cheap $30 little bookcase. Since I needed to make room for the addition, anyway, off to storage my books went. Then when we finally got a bigger place, I never got a new bookcase to replace it b/c I didn't see us being there long... I was correct.

Now that I am in a much more spacious home -- my house (hooray!) a dear friend got me a bookcase for Christmas/housewarming present to match my lovely new desk I inherited from a guy who worked in another suite at my old job and it is just LOVELY how my office turned out. I loaded my bookcase last night and I realized I have a really good selection of reads. So many in fact that I haven't had a chance to read them all, and haven't even cracked the spine on a few of them (The Bluest Eye, Mis-Education of The Negro) in far too long.

I even found my Sacred Woman and ZPB Handbook that I was sure I lost in a robbery of my back porch early last year. I thought they were both in a messenger bag I carried at the time. I am glad to know that they were not. The first ones I pulled from the shelf to kick off my 2009 reading kick are as follows:

1. Get a Freelance Life:
With the demise of that position I mentioned earlier coming to an end sooner than expected, I am left with plenty free time to really assess what it is I want to do with the next step in my professional life. With some money in the bank as a cushion, I am starting to think it would really be a good idea to finally, really consider being my own boss in a lot of ways which would free up my schedule to be Mommy a lot more frequently than after a 9-to-5 and on the weekends. If I could ignite a freelance career, that along with the occasional contract consulting gig, personal training and exercise instructing could be a very flexible schedule and more than steady source of income. Perhaps now is the time, to make it the time. I would then also have time to volunteer and give back to my community via my sorority and other organizations I believe in.

2. Beautylicious! The Black Girl's Guide to the Fabulous Life
I actually completed this book back when I bought it in, I want to say, 2005. But I didn't retain much of it apparently because I could have sworn it gave me pointers on how to get some money in the bank and I JUST caught on. So this could use a refresher course. It also included some stuff on how to "ball on a budget" (my words, not the book) which I could truly use now as a mommy on a stricter budget than when I was a single girl. I was just telling my Soror how I hadn't shopped for pretty panties in so long I couldn't remember the last time I bought a nice bra... or hell, for that matter, anything hosiery or clothes for myself. The Sun rose and it's been all about him, since. So this is going to help me put some things into perspective to regain my Fabulosity (Thanks Kimora for the term!).

3. Heal Thyself Natural Living Cookbook:
A lot of people don't know this about me, but I was completely vegetarian (NO MEAT whatsoever for about a year and a half) then I moved to fish only in 2006 when I moved back to Chicago. Then I got back with my first love and it was, literally, all down hill from there. I am starting a detox on my birthday (tomorrow) to rid myself of a lot of toxins I've built up over the years. Not in the sense of a normal detox though, I don't want to shock my body too much by doing something as drastic as the Master Cleanse right off the bat, but I do want to eat smaller portions of better for me foods and drink plenty water and fresh juice (I also found my juice recipes book that came with my juicer that's been packed away for three years as well.... my Jah, wtf happened to the girl I was and why did it take me leaving the man I loved for me to find her... why can't I be who I am all the time with whom I love? He's supposed to make me better, not... different. I digress. This is a whole OTHER blog post for a different day... or no day at all. Positivity and light are back in my life and they will remain. Be-leave that.)

I have always been a read one book at a time kinda pimp... but that only applied to my fiction. In the spirit of going back to school (I was considering searching for an MBA program but the Gypsy part of me thinks I really do need to consider this freestyle life, in a serious, non "sure, I guess I can do that" kinda way) I will read these three consecutively since in a roundabout way, they are all synced to how I want my life to begin transforming, hell regressing, if you will. It's freestyle, but it still ain't gonna happen without putting in some work, time and research. And Jah... His help is always nice and necessary too.



See... it really IS immaculately stocked with some fine reads and references. Gosh, I just love it! And how cool is my tall Senagalese (I've decided she is from Senegal) woman sitting atop of it? Making me (the Zeta statue) look all shawt hahaha...