I just want to thank my Earth, Wind and Fire Pandora station for gifting me with this Smokey Song I'd never heard... WOW!



The Agony & Ecstacy

By: Smokey Robinson

What's it all about, this crazy love
How did our two worlds entwine?
How do I fit in to your life?
How did you get into mine?
I belong to someone else we know...

Back when first we met
Oh, we thought for fun
One night together might be nice
Oh...oh...but fun turned into love for both of us
So now we pay forbidden lover's price

Oh, 'cause love like ours is never, ever free (Free)
You pay some agony for the ecstasy (For the ecstasy)
Oh, love like ours is never, ever free (Free)
You got to pay some agony for the ecstasy (For the ecstasy), oh:oh:

Nights when you're alone, you know that I
Laid with someone else beside me
Oh, but you love me still and I love you
You know I would no matter where I'd be

Hey, but love like ours is never, ever free (Free)
You got to pay some agony for the ecstasy (For the ecstasy)
Oh, love like ours is never, ever free (Free)
We got to pay some agony if we wanna have ecstasy (For the ecstasy), oh...
Hey, got to pay some agony
If we wanna have an ecstasy, yeah:eah:
And we need each other desperately, don't we, baby
And I'll never from you be free, no, no
So you'll have to do the leavin' me, yeah
And you'll have to do the leavin' me, oh, baby
'Cause I'm gonna pay the agony, yeah
'Cause, oh, lovin' you is ecstasy, that's what it is
And I'm willin' to pay the price, oh
'Cause I'll make it a sacrifice, oh, yes, I will
And I'll never, never, never, never, never, never, never be free
From agony.

The Final Marriage Blog

"RBG, you're the woman men wanna date.... not the one they end up marrying. You're beautiful and funny, and resolve conflict easily..... you're not a 'rah-rah' girl"

..... well, damn.

On Dating Your Future Husband
For just a moment on the night of March 26th... I thought I was getting engaged.

It was then and still remains the one problem with being in the head over heels and dating in love stage. When you know you're with your future, every romantic evening you wonder will that be the one. I've not been in love like this in quite some time. And I realize how much I missed it.

The last time I was in love *like this* I was 16.
Not including my sun of course. I mean like love of a man... not of my blood. But I finally had to admit: I'm anxious. There. I said it.

And every milestone I wonder, why didn't it happen... then. Forget my uncle's big birthday bash -- the first large family event he escorted me to. Forget that our 2-year anniversary came and went. Forget my birthday, and random Hallmark holidays.... they came and went.

On The Exhaustion...

Warning: I'm in a sentimental mood... missing my dad like crazy.

Honestly? I'm this.close to being exhausted of the marriage idea: when it's gonna happen, why hasn't it happened for me, blogging about marriage... but it's all I can think about. (Dramatic). But really... it's everywhere: in my mailbox, on Facebook, in my family, on TV, in every old acquaintance asking "so what's been new with you? Married? Kids?" *sigh* Even if I was trying NOT to think about it.. it's in my face.

Plus the holidays always bring about a flood of wedding engagements and 2010 and 2011's holidays were no different. Three ladies I know, two Sorors and a Friend/Colleague all were proposed to on New Year's Eve and Christmas, respectively. And recently one more Soror got engaged and another just announced she was married. One of the fiance's said: "I want you to be a bridesmaid... but I know you'll say 'no'." Damn right I will! I'm tired of being a bridesmaid or "single" guest at every wedding I attend! (Often times people don't even let me bring a guest... just cause I'm not married I gotta come stag? Word?!) I thought the biological clock ticked for CHILDREN... well, I have my one and he's quite enough. I guess (as God intended) marriage and children are a combo deal. I'm missing a piece and my now 31 year old heart and soul is starting to feel it.

All my friends put up pics of them proudly flashing their rings to broadcast their happiness and it got me to seriously thinkin about the importance of that piece of jewelry. Seeing as how I've had serious conversations of a man's WANT to marry ME being the most important part of engagement over anything... how/where it's done or what he slides on to the left ring finger all be damned, but it's really something to have that feeling... no pressure, no shot guns, just good ol fashioned, "I really don't think I can do this life shit well without YOU." Now THAT'S something.

So when my friend who was so blunt to tell me I wasn't the 'rah-rah' girl asked: "Why don't you just propose to him?" I chuckled. After all... the whole reason behind a man proposing to a woman is because it's generally understood that women want to get married. Whereas men need some .... coaching.

When I was first proposed to I was 16 years old. And I don't mean on paper "Will You Marry Me" but he bought a ring, took me to a park and poured out his soul to me and then presented a cute little ring with a tiny diamond for which he spent the whole summer earning hundreds of dollars for. It was the most romantic thing I'd ever seen. I miss that feeling. Miss that want... I still have a poem about it. I cherished that ring for many years. It was the thought behind it, for me... It was simple.classic.elegant and represented a stage of life for us. Simply put: it was quite perfect for a 15 y/o boy to have picked out on his own.

But alas, engagements 1.5 / weddings 0 (the half really doesn't need a paragraph)

I know the history behind the Circle and it's symbolism as it pertains to marriage... I know why men get down on the left knee. But what does the diamond mean? Why is that lil thing so important?? You know the HISTORY of the diamond? A couple years back, a friend of mine got a ring for a Christmas present. A very pretty ring set in white gold with a pink stone and tiny diamond clusters. She's been waiting on her boyfriend to pop the question for a while... Seven yrs in fact. When she showed me the picture I was ecstatic. YAY! He proposed. "Girl, no. That is not an engagement ring."

*swamp sounds* "Well it certainly is pretty." I didn't understand. What was to stop that from being an engagement ring? If you really want to marry someone, but don't have the ends to purchase the ring (his excuse for why he hasn't done it) you want is it so wrong to be nontraditional with certain things? Get creative? What if you have a non-traditional girlfriend? Do you still try to traditionalize the moment or make it something special for the TWO of you. Who cares what society thinks!? ....sorry, tangent.

We spend our money on what we want to... if a man wants to buy an engagement ring he'll make it priority. If he doesn't want to buy an engagement ring, he'll buy shoes and trips and shit... for those fortunate enough to not have a gang of bills (UNlike me lol)... you have the luxury of making your own rules... what's important and what's not. My friend's Facebook status some months back was:

2k11 year of the reality check: If you 25 and older and have been dating someone for 5 years or more and are not engaged to be married... press pause give your relationship a reality check ... don't take 5 years heck don't take 1 but I will give 2 years just to be nice... waste no more time... ppl don't want to hear it but here it is and I am keeping it real....

And this convo developed into something about what else... jewelry (for some reason people always equate wedding to jewelry *smh*) Ex.H.I.T. used to always say to me... "don't take all day to recognize Sunshine..." Now while that relationship was flawed beyond belief... didn't he have a point? I've heard that from various men.. men in my life who've married, men on radio programs, that they know exactly if they want to marry you or not... early! So what does that say about the very long relationships?

The point is.... Now that I am a little older (and exhausted) I am starting to understand that the ring.... well that's easiest part. I'm realizing a man could keep the ring, if only I knew he genuinely loved me so much he wanted to be with me forever, officially. Not with me and continually texting/tickling an ex, not with me but meeting up with random potty-mouth, non-elegant females when I'm not looking... not with me but getting aroused by other means. Just.me. And maybe I'm naive for thinking that's possible... but I don't feel like it. I still feel like it's possible. I feel like I'm there.... just need a lil nudge in the proper direction... perhaps. (The "he" in this example is general.)

Because I'm NOT a "rah-rah" girl...
I have no desire to call or message females and ask them what they're doing texting, sucking or fucking my man. I have no desire to act a fool in public. I have no desire to throw things and yell to resolve conflict. I just wanna be loved. And love in return. I want to be faithful and know he's being faithful to me. I don't wanna act out in spite because he can't get right. *cues TLC's "Creep"*

So that leaves me in Limbo
I know you shouldn't measure success on marriage.... I was just granted quite a prestigious promotion at work, I have two guys who love me every day, solidly, I have a nice house, a truck and bills out the wazoo that I can pay.... most days lol... so why do I feel so incomplete? When life is going fairly well?

This is gonna be my last blog for a while... and my last on marriage as a single woman. Because at the end of the day, while I can't control it being all around me, I can at LEAST try to concentrate on other things... it's not like I ain't got shit goin on! I won't let the idea that I haven't been great enough consume me. Especially when so many non-great people marry every day. lol It's you; not me.

I simply have to remember that what is for me.... will be.

Blogger's B-L-O-C-K....??

All these thoughts with no direction in my head...what gives man?!

F.L.A.G.S.

"I returned to see under the sun that the swift do not have the race, nor the mighty ones the battle... time and unforeseen occurrence befall them all." ~Ecclesiastes 9:11

The race of dating can be very exciting... The green f.l.a.g. signals it's time to start... "and they're off!" Hot and heavy. You can't get enough of each other... you think about each other all throughout the day... you text/call just to say hi, about the happenings of your day, to say good morning/night, send pics of yourself while doing mundane tasks.

"Trying on more shoes! LOL :-)"

It's truly one of the best parts about Love. The newness, the smiles, the laughs, the mindset that nothing else matters at all but you, him and the beauty that is ya'll. Then you start to mellow out. You don't need to chat allll day... since you'll see him when you get off.. you may still say "I love you" at the end of the conversation but only if the mood is right. You're comfortable in your relationship. You're happy. Things aren't roses, butterflies and rainbows everyday but you're content with the progress you're making... little did you know after coasting comfortably through that lap... danger befalls you... yellow f.l.a.g. a problem arises... it could be a variation of things. Something that alters the mood, the chi, the atmosphere and it shakes the comfort zone... makes you wonder how a couple once so in looove could seem like total strangers around each other. You're in the same room not talking to each other... doing anything but in fact. And you don't even know how the hell you got there. It's because you didn't pay attention to the problems people create... the red f.l.a.g.s. when s/he reconnected with an "old friend" who s/he just happened to sleep with once upon a time. While you thought you were growing together s/he was out (re)connecting with people from the past or new b*tches/dudes all together.... and talking to that person for hours on end... 30-40-60 minute conversations... middle of the night phone calls... When s/he stopped having sex with you or complimenting you. When s/he couldn't even tell you what s/he thinks of you... "I think you're great... amazing... even though you get on my nerves sometimes.... I think you're a perfect parent to our child... I think I love you more each day..." anything but silence. When you stopped being friends first and only business partners... splitting the bills but not sharing feelings and having fun together... when s/he accepted a picture of his/her exes genitalia... when you read or found out that s/he still loved him/her...when s/he stopped caring what you thought about things, didn't ask your opinion... when s/he did things to intentionally hurt you... just to get back at you for something. When your grown up relationship felt like you were dating a child who can't open up to you and just have a conversation before they go and act out..... and then by the time those red f.l.a.g.s. appear... you have nowhere to go... you feel like you've wasted time on the wrong person... you discount all the good times you guys had together, someone doesn't wanna work at it to see where things went wrong. And you wave your white f.l.a.g. You quit. You surrender... You bow out. You've given it your best years ... all you had and failed. You're defeated... and before you know it you look up, and someone is waving that checkered f.l.a.g. signaling one last lap... you throw caution into the wind and go for it... and forget the race you just lost for the hope... the faith.... the determination and mindset of finally crossing the finish line.... yet after all your races... STILL unready and unprepared to lose again.

I been in this game for years; it made me a animal. It's rules to this sh*t; I wrote me a manual. A step-by-step booklet for you to get your game on track, not your wig pushed back. ~B.I.G. "10 Crack Commandments"

For the Love of the Almighty, Get Serious!

The Emotional Runner

So it happened again... my outside run meltdown. I'd originally started this blog last week but wanted to conduct some research first. But because I am lazy it took substantially longer than it shoulda... but now I know, that, running outside... is liberating.

I am an emotional runner.

Not sure if it's all the endorphins or the sweat... or the view of the lake... or my shin splint that calls me all kinds of Bs and hoes when I'm done, or the runners I trick that I too am a runner when they give me the "what's up" nod and smile thinkin I'm huffin and puffin it out... KNOWIN I just was walking.... but twice now, after my outside run, I've teared up. What the hell is that about? I ran twice this past week and I certainly needed to.

I know running serves as a way to clear your mind... and each time now it has done just that. I did it. It was nice because all while running, listening to myself pant and feeling old muscles I haven't seen or heard from in ages start to ache and burn... I didn't think about anything that ached my heart and mind... things I can't control, things I am uncertain about, things I can't explain, why I can't control what goes into my mouth (or what comes out of it sometimes), why people who've never taken the time to know me hate me so... coming back around my turn and coming off that last incline all my thoughts ran down my cheeks.

And I felt... great.

The tears didn't help me answer any of those questions or qualify anything... but they helped me to release, if only for a moment. My professional week was... an utter disaster. New boss... strong arm approach... makes for a combative RBG...

Boss: I wouldn't call it combative.
RBG: I would.

I respect everybody... until I am given a reason not to. Lying to my face, being intimidated by lil ol me... I can't help it because I have a bubbly personality and (most) of everybody I come into contact with likes me... while people are wondering why you're walkin around the office like a stick's up your butt... people are inviting me to after work affairs... bish get real.

The Queen is here.... Sound the TRUMPETS!

In all seriousness, I'm really harmless (unless you cross me). I've been examining it, from ladies who think I "stole" their man to coworkers who think I'm competing for their raise/promotion... to now bosses who think they can come on my turf and strong arm my respect and just make me do it how you want to... listen up, the LOT of you... I ain't taking NO MO disrespect. We having closed-door conversations from here on out. When I originally decided to publish this thought process into a blog, I was all set to dissect why ya'll feel soooo inferior... but I've decided to digress.

I used to find it funny. But now, I just don't give a f*ck.

"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent."
~Eleanor Roosevelt

Toodles to you b*tches...

~*RBG*~

Let's Hear It For The Boys...

"Sooo let me get this straight: you dress and look like this *points* yet you smoke an occasional cigar, love sports, play Poker, drink whiskey and watch ESPN? Will you marry me?" (Paraphrase) ~Guy at a Bar

While other sisters were trying to break their tomboy attributes I always embraced mine. I knew one day I would dress like a lady, I was in no rush. Even when I was in grammar school and the average boy couldn't really see who RBG was (I can think of three guys who had interest in me during junior high which is minuscule in comparison to my then girly counterparts) it didn't bother me. I wasn't interested in much of anything the standard boy was into then anyway... Nope... I was more into 3-way phone conversations of gossip, shooting hoops, rollerblading and all things active, and still playing with my dolls and toys (yeah, on a public blog I said it). It wasn't until I hit high school when ALL the boys adored a frosh-soph jock. Not only was I athletic, but I had a big ass... bonus. Freshman year I began to embrace my femininity as much as a TOM BOY for the first 14 years of her life could. So I wasn't necessarily wearing skirts and dresses yet (OK, I just started really wearing skirts and dresses within the past six years). I also have a very strong, public speaker like voice...

..... what the hell was the point of this blog? .........

Oh yes. I've never been afraid to be the tomboy... BE "one of the guys" because I found without any sort of extensive research that if you were seen as a buddy they could eventually see you as a girl; once they saw you as a girl, they could see you as their girl... it never failed. Fool proof! And I was doing very well with this particular way of thinking... until I had a child. Don't get me wrong, having my sun is still the best thing I've done to date... but something fundamentally changes a man's perception of you when a woman... gives birth. Suddenly, I'm not RBG the homie anymore... I'm RBG the mom. Despite me ONLY wanting a boy as my first child (and publicly announcing it -- there was none of that "so long as it's healthy" crap with me) because I knew I would be able to CONNECT with him more vs. a girl... despite all my guy-like qualities without being a butch lesbian I am still seen as "wife" and mother... versus the person and friend you fell in love with. And I think this is completely unfair. I'm still me... and still a LOT of fun. (If I do say so myself.)

I'm blessed with very strong familial support so I generally, even if I do hate to ask sometimes, can always find a sitter — everyone ADORES my child... why wouldn't they? — so getting away is never a problem. I didn't turn into one of those weird holier than though moms either. I don't specifically ask that you change your language around my sun, though I will ask you to smoke outside (he has young lungs and second-hand smoke kills!) and to be completely honest, unless it's a family event where other children are present, you don't even have to worry about seeing my child at all. And you'd only KNOW I was a mom if you knew me. Even at work, I don't talk about him unless someone asks who the adorable creature is on my desk. And even then it's not a flip out pictures moment and telling you stories about his first steps (unless you inquire cause you're reeeeally curious). I still have my own identity. I still love to do the things that make me me... in FACT, I appreciate them more now because I am an outstanding mother and my child is now my main priority, so I do spend a lot of time with him but I still need a life outside of him. You can't remain sane any other way. Luckily for my sake I was never a "baby talk" person so I still know how to speak to adults as such because well, I talk to my sun, as such. Ever since the womb. I'm really a great, down-to-earth mom who never lost sight of herself despite my biggest fears that I wouldn't know what the hell I'm doing. Think Miranda. (Long video...really first to up about the 4th minute'll do ya.)



So... why does this happen... to me? I don't know yet, but I want my life back... the life when my men friends/mates still invited me to the things we used to do that made us the friendship/couple to envy... the best friend you've always wanted who can not only look good in a suit and a dress, but help you through your lady problems... share a beer from a bottle as it was intended, yell at the game while cussin like a sailor (only when ABSOLUTELY necessary) but still a tiger in the bedroom, can cook and all that gibberish. I am not trying to lose my identity in being a mom. I need all my components on a regular basis: my motherly ya dig, my simply-RBG ish, my girlfriend time (I am fabulous and loooove tight jeans, shoes and handbags and my walk is mean), but more importantly, my man time. My tomboy isn't going anywhere... no matter if my lip gloss is poppin and there's a jogger stroller in the back of my whip.

So please, don't forget about ya boi.

Cheers! *raises fried chicken and a shot of Maker's Mark with well-manicured and polished nails*

Priority Male

Do people still think the grass is greener elsewhere? Like do people really still drop a relationship/situation on it's head because of the hope and thought that someone else will better deal with their crap, screw them better, cook everyday, clean, sing in the shower, whatever?

I ask because I don't... anymore. But often times in the past have wondered if I sometimes should. I've been known to stick to people and jobs for much longer than I probably should have and ended up getting burned in the end and by burned I mean heartbroken or fired. I often think too much about... well, everything. This is what makes me a (partially good and mildly entertaining) writer, because I've always got something on my mind, and sometimes when the mood hits me I will put that thought to paper... today's thought: people and their priorities.

Now that I've entered my third decade of life, my focus has shifted a lot. I find great joy most of the time in doing nothing but spending time with my family doing the simple things. Lately though, I've felt the Boot of Boredom on my neck... I look to do things outside of the house and find the desire of certain people to do those things with me is lacking. Is it because I'm a mom and people can see me as nothing else? Did people forget how much fun I can be when I disrobe from my Mom garb and just be RBG? What's really so fascinating about being in the house anyway? Trust me, I've spent goo gobs of time in here and unless you're feet to Jesus, tipsy and watching a good fight or game, or cuddled watching a movie -- not just watching a movie, the cuddle is what makes it nice -- it's really not that awesome... and frankly, I'm sick of it.

You'd hope as you age, others age. As you grow, others grow... but when you think about it, we're all really still the little kid inside. We handle our business and take care of our responsibilities because we were raised right, but truth is, we would really rather be without said responsibilities... and when you get right down to it, we just want to do whatever we want to do. But when you have a family, you can't... well you can't IF you're a good, responsible person.

Where do your priorities fall? What and WHO is really important to you now? How important is it to you to keep it?? .... what would you do to keep it, if one day it was all snatched from you?

This post is all over the place... but so is my mind right now...

Happy Saturday....

I'm Just Lovin' ME For a Moment

Pardon me... I'm just loving me for a moment this morning.

I woke up this morning to the smell of my conditioned hair...
As I lay in my satin sheets, I noticed the beautiful outline of my vessel.

It came to me...
I am a resurrected vessel... Beautiful. Moving into another level of wholeness. I think I ought to love ME this morning..

Pardon me... I'm just loving ME for a moment this morning

I woke up this morning to the pattern of my own shadow; I cannot only see it but I can appreciate it. If a perfect God can take that much time in molding ME, loving ME, cherishing ME, reshaping ME... then surely I am worth loving me...

Pardon me... I'm just loving ME for a moment this morning

I woke up this morning alone, but not lonely. I got tired of waiting for someone to put ice in my soda, milk in my tea, jam on my biscuits, peas in my rice, and soap on my back.

I am not alone.

I have me.... I have me.... I have ME....
and then I have the omnipresent God who has made me...
When I put the ice in my soda... He stands there observing me...
ready to suggest creative ways to set my table.

Pardon me... I'm just loving ME for a moment this morning

I woke up this morning and beheld the beautiful reflection of a five-foot-something frame; a soft smile, a shiny nose , medium length hair, brown-skinned complexion, and a Biblically perfect shape. I leaned forward and kissed the mirror... "I LOVE YOU, GIRL!" Not because of your external beauty... Not because Mama said you were beautiful... Not because a man told you you were beautiful, NO!

Because God values... YOU!
Because God loves... YOU!
When I look at all your attributes, and I think about what God has predestined you to become... I can only say that I LOVE you..

For all the battles you've conquered...
For the tears you've shed...
For the negative words that shot you down...
For the pain you've overcome...
For the growth you've sustained... I LOVE YOU, Girl..

Pardon me... I'm just loving ME for a moment this morning

~Minister Nina Clark~

Do whatever makes you feel comfortable...

do what makes you feel happy."
~ Left Eye (R.I.P.)



JUST LIKE YOU, I GET LONELY TOO...

Hi people!

I know, I know, long time. And I wish I could say I have a good reason, but I've had plenty time to play around on the net... and could have used that for blog time.... just been in my own lil La La Land and loving it.

Everything is good... debt still knocking at the door but definitely not as stressed as I had been about it. Loving my job... concentrating on putting my 120% into it because that's what's going to make me successful and stand out above the "competition."

My family is great. We're building and learning from each other and growing.

The Sun is in school and loving it... costing Daddy and I a handful but we must do what we have to do in order to do what we wanna do... If he loves it, I will like it.

I was having a flashback moment... I miss TLC as a collective unit.

Update more later.. As of this coming Thursday, I will be 30 in TWO months... omg..

I just want to...

run away.



I'm... exhausted... truly.
I'm feeling devious... like old, rambunctious RBG who didn't give a shit... didn't care about feelings and what not... where peaceful RBG go? Ohhhh there she is. Hiding. Sleeping... peacefully. Heffa.
I am starting to seriously dislike someone... who I -- if only for a minute -- thought I would love forever.

Thanks to the double Rs for at least keeping the smiles flowing... love those guys.

Had a job interview today... went well, not exactly what I wanna do, but something is better than returning to the drama... hopefully other hot leads will come. At this point, I just need to be anywhere... not because of finances, but because being a SAHM really brings perspective to the working girl....

p.s. I really wanna see Kindred in concert... they need better publicity. I am ALWAYS missing them. That is all.

Private Public Thoughts...

I'm a very private person.

You prolly couldn't tell from all that I share via blogspot and Facebook statuses, but it's true. There's only so much I choose to share with you guys and my near 300 Facebook friends. Some of it is probably TMI... "RBG is constipated"... my blogs dissecting why relationships fail, etc., buuuut, there's still a limit. I keep my personal life very separate. So it's difficult for me when people bring something to me from the Internet of all places, asking me questions about certain situations that other people have put in their blog, or on their Facebook page, or in their Twitter update. Ugh. Social Networking indeed a bitter-sweet tool used by the masses.

Some people use their blogs as their creative outlet, their Facebook pages as their time to yell at their bosses for being idiots, cussin out their baby mama or daddy, men in general, life, tellin their friends how terrible their day is, how great it is etc. But at what point are we taking it too far and putting somebody out there that really just wants to be left alone?

Walking with my Sorors yesterday, one was telling me how her daughter's father had asked her to spend the night. (They aren't together.) I asked her what she was gonna say/do and she said she didn't know because while she wanted to entertain the idea, she didn't want to do it at his house because she didn't want people seeing her show up there after everything they'd seen them go through. "I don't want the shame" she said honestly between giggles.

I saw two long-time friends beef on Facebook. Facebook! Being rude to the other when the other was just expressing her hurt over actions in a anonymous way. It's real and it's deep out here.

What we don't realize is every time someone is in our business, they are judging us... maybe not rudely or out loud, but they are wondering. Putting our partners or spouses or even friends in hard places they can't bounce back from, or even if they could, they probably wouldn't want to. I always make sure to choose one confidant, besides the Almighty, to talk to in times of turmoil. I don't want to tell a LOT of people the score because who knows what might happen in the future. Avoiding that same shame. We all make choices in this life. Sometimes the wrong ones and we have to live with that.

This blog is a ramble, but the moral is: It sucks to be the topic of something you can't control. Almost like gossip. And generally I don't worry about gossip cause the person spreading it often doesn't know the whole story. The reason I would never make it as a memoir writer or have an auto-biography? Cause when people are done, they'll say something like, "well, that was vague as hell!" I like being on ya mind, but not every single detail of me. Like showing up to a seduction asshole naked.. where's the mystery? You don't have to divulge every detail of yourself or your loved ones to build a following, be the most popular negro on Facebook... if sharing/writing for release and clarity and not popularity, there are other ways to achieve it, without stepping on those who helped hold you up. Or the ones you claim to hold so dear to your heart.

I would never put MY ppl out there like that, especially people that I claim(ed) to love... but seems all is fair in love and social networking.

For shame.

Relapse...

And I get these panic attacks
Pop a Xanax, relax

I'm having a relapse.. cursing things
"who you calling a bitch" words flow from a pen
so mean..
writing red
on his head
Tired of the people who know me best
not noticing
or taking advantage
The one's who know me least
point fingers
deceased are feelings
complain and wine
I drink to numb the feeling that
love...
like hip hop
is dying
my seed deserves the best
yet life
every test
is a trick question
that breeds lessons
of how we rush into shit
that makes no sense
and then rethink it
when it's too late
indeed God is trying to tell me something
but I feel bad
going to Him when I've had
my last kick to the head
wrong to go when life is beating you down
should be praising Him smile or frown
but I need...
need to know what to do...
organized religion
I envision
but simply.cannot
find my mission
life's
not
list'nin
the first third of my life is upon me
close
breathing on my ear
and I fear...
I've not accomplished what
I was set out to do
have you?
and how much fuckin time do we really have?

The Best I Eva Had

"U da fuckin best"

Simply Put...

OK, so I kinda AM my hair... who woulda thunk it?! :) One year down... a lifetime to go.

Happy Lociversary to moi!

What Do You Interpret It To Mean?

"The most terrible fight is not when there is one opinion against another, the most terrible is when two men say the same thing and fight about the interpretation and his interpretation involves a difference of quality."
~ Danish Philosopher Soren Kierkegaard

"Leave interpretation to us poets!"
~ RBG... Poetry Slam 1999

Moods Change... People .... don't.

I expected sentimental days like this... playing summa my faves and wanted to share. Mostly, I was wondering while sipping the last of my vodka. (Svedka is not what's up, but it's now all gone... wasn't nothing but a swallow, stop gawking talkin bout, "B-but RBG... your diet!") The Sun shined way too brightly today... I was bout to leave him wid my mama... so I am kinda ehh, how would RBG say... in monotone today. No vibrant color like yellow... perhaps maroon.

Why'd you have to go crazy, Lauryn? Come back...



You and Maxwell... I hope his come back is not as equally crazy and peculiar...


Come back...

Just proves sometimes returning prematurely hurts more than helps. We'll be here when you're ready.... I cried lots to both of these songs... a different era of RBG. I've evolved so much since then, but I am still the same cry baby. The same chick that thinks Cosby Show and Love Jones and Love & Basketball endings happen in real life. The same loud talker. Same stubborn know-it-all. Same humble when I know I should be. (I have grown way more confident... a welcomed change from my teenage years... though ppl still thought I was beautiful. I digress... another blog. Another time.) I am the same sensitive, romantic girl who looks for her own version of perfection. Knows she deserves it. Wondering why things can never just be the way we see... "I know I'm imperfect and not without sin, but now that I'm older, all childish things end..."

... I'm smarter... wiser... but I have not changed. I was the same at 19. OK, I mighta been a TAD rowdier. I mighta busted anonymous folks in the mouf first, asked questions later... I mighta. But the core of me... is still RBG.

I should have been at an important event tonight. Instead, I'm sippin real slow, massaging my scalp.... listening to Neo-Soul songs on repeat. Waiting for the sun to set... so I can be ease.

Author's Edited to Add Note:At the end of "Tell Him," Lauryn says, "it'll be alright Z... it'll be alright Z!" I believe you, Lauryn. I believe you.

Observations...

A few things I've observed over the last couple days....

Spring Snow Storm

So, I looked out my window this morning to this.... Mother Nature... stop playin! April is in 3 days!

My excellent cheese omelet breakfast:
In honor of the snow, I made a real breakfast for the first time in like two weeks. Cheese omelet, hashbrowns wid onion and turkey sausage... yumtastic.



Cowardly Behavior
People who read my blog daily and vandalize it then run and hide by closing their blog to public eye are funny!

Let The Training Commence...

In all the silly chaos, I forgot to mention my workout arrived. I am so very excited to get it gwan.

I am reading through the literature first and then I will "officially" crack into it on Friday (because I like the schedule where Saturday is my rest day)... I will spend today and tomorrow familiarizing myself wid the moves, taking my photos and measurements and doing the "fit test."

Then my schedule will be Fri-workout; Sat-rest; Sun, Mon, Tues, Wed.-workout; Thurs-rest. This will also work in conjunction for when I do walks wid the Healthy Hikers group. Most walks will be on Thurs or Saturday... the first walks don't really gear up till the 23rd so hopefully by then my body will be conditioned a lil more to the workouts and walking won't be too much of a strain. I will definitely, definitely have to make time for stretching and if I'm lucky, big daddy massages. :)

I'm really excited to see my transformation. As I really miss being toned and lean.... 30.60.90.... I can dooooo it! :) For now, I'ma just focus on the first 30 though, as to not overwhelm myself... handle it in tiers as opposed to tears... ooh, I need to copyright that.


lol, she is crazy!

I really love Chalene, her teaching style reminds me of my own, very bubbly and funny but takes no sh*t. hahahaha

Let's go!

What you think you know

...doesn't necessarily have much to do with reality.

(She) just hate me cause (she) ain't me! ~Busta Rhymes' character in Higher Learning

This will be a random ass blog post... about people who think they know, but have no idea. *tags it random before she forgets... OK, done* This post is to those of ya'll who don't have a clue. See, everybody (no matter your IQ, social and/or political standing, religious/sexual preference etc) gets MAD love from RBG. :)

Boo, he's just not that into you... and who the eff cares?!

I'm so tired of that phrase... I almost want to kill the writers of Sex and the City for ever coining the phrase for the jackass who then in turn wrote the book. I mean, do you REALLY think we women don't know when a man ain't feeling us?! *giggles profusely* We know, we just often think we can change his mind. LOL

I had a long IM conversation wid my homegirl one evening a lil over a week ago... telling her how well my conversation went the day before and how mm mm good breakfast was the morning after (whoever thought to put cheese grits with catfish is a genius!) and how I had my epiphany while speaking to my sisterfriend. But not until I had to listen to her whole sordid story entitled... Life Dating the Emotionally-Detached Brother. It's a comedy, it's a "love" story, it is pure unadulterated buffoonery. And we EACH have been there, ladies.

It generally starts with the set.up. It usually sounds something like, "I'm not looking for a relationship... right now." Now, while I do respect men who can broadcast this, it's really like, dude, I just asked you what we were eating for dinner! This is usually the first sign that he's not going to be exactly what you need... because we, as women, aren't generally proned to sleeping wid a man, just because. No catches, no strings, no worries. Don't get me wrong, we CAN do it. But for the most part we opt not to. But when you do opt to, be ready for the hardship b/c itz usually the ones wid so much potential that do this. So you're bound to fail. If you are apart of that lucky 20%* who actually gets the man to see your fabulous traits while you tuck all your crazy inside... cheers to you, doll... but that other 80%* ain't changing their mind. And it's been my experience that they always go for someone who's NOT on your level, at all. And sometimes it's a better level... live, learn and let.it.go. Cause K. Cole said it best...

If he ain't gonna love you, the way he should you need to let him go...

Ladies, please let's stop trying to hold on to these men who don't want us, don't want to treat us right, with somebody else and you think he coming back to you. It's ridiculous! I said last year that I was done trying to make some herb love me the way I deserve to be loved. I might give him some helpful prodding into all my delicate and intricate ways of thinking, living, independent-spirit nature, but that's about all I can do. Itz easy to pick up on all my not-so subtle hints of what makes me happy, feel loved so that I can be the best me to you I can be.

If I hear one more female say, "yeah he wid her but he thinking bout me tho" I will scream. No, boo, that's very unlikely. If he was thinking about you, he would be with you. Or at least paying you some attention. Stop tryin to do all these grand gestures, declarations, busting his windows out his car... it's not gonna make him love you the right way. Meanwhile, you're prolly looking over a cat who really does want to love your ass. "I know HE loves me, but he'll just have to deal wid it, if I can make you love me." Are you serial? Let's do better in 2009, ladies and really, really get down to the heart of the matter. And let that other crap rest. "You don't get the picture? The picture's in his wallet!" ~Lil Kim

If the Queen is happy, the whole Kingdom is euphoric. I guarantee you.
To my guys... I have a secret. When your woman is happy, you will always be happy! It is a little-known, highly true fact. It's really simple... you keep us happy and all else will be just fine. You'll get fed, loved, sexed like a porn star and great home life. I can't tell you what makes your woman happy... that's all up to you, but take heed and be well.

This is my last relationship rant post for a while... back to sunflowers and gumdrops! :-)

*Facts and figures have not been tested, proven or tallied by anyone who knows what she is talking about!

Hmph.

It's not over until you've dotted all the i's and crossed all the t's. Be thorough, detailed and efficient in your actions.