The Open Marriage Argument

I know the topic of open marriages can be spoken about until ears bleed... but I thought this was quite an interesting read. Especially with the idea of forever for me getting closer and closer by the payment, I mean day. :)

But this topic of open marriages has created some very interesting dialog. And raises questions and concerns... like are we just talking a sexual relationship? Is it "just sex" or full on relationships outside of your union?

I think while women would more than likely seek that romance of a full-blown love affair (when hubbies get too comfortable and stop rubbing feet, sending random flowers and watching her favorite show with her) men would more often seek a physical getaway (she gives good head, or does things the wife won't do)... or at least that's what would begin to develop on both side. But (and excuse me if my "newlywed" is showing but) couldn't this be something to incorporate into your marriage already with just the two of you? Try a little more outside-the-box activity in the bedroom. New places, new position, role play, devices? Create date nights where you court each other and flirt and cuddle like when you were dating with/without children?

And speaking of the children, could you do this without the knowledge of your children? How? Doesn't this require a lot of energy?

I truly do not like to share. And I would hope the mere idea of another man caressing, flirting with, kissing, penetrating and nibbling me would drive my husband so insane he wouldn't want something like that to come between us... but is that then how the Open Marriage turns volatile? Where it's no longer an honest discussion and open discussion and now considered adultery. What say you?

"Could you see yourself engaging in an open relationship? If so, what types of rules would you impose on such an arrangement?"

Will Open Relationships Cure the "Great Black Love Scare?"

I just want to thank my Earth, Wind and Fire Pandora station for gifting me with this Smokey Song I'd never heard... WOW!



The Agony & Ecstacy

By: Smokey Robinson

What's it all about, this crazy love
How did our two worlds entwine?
How do I fit in to your life?
How did you get into mine?
I belong to someone else we know...

Back when first we met
Oh, we thought for fun
One night together might be nice
Oh...oh...but fun turned into love for both of us
So now we pay forbidden lover's price

Oh, 'cause love like ours is never, ever free (Free)
You pay some agony for the ecstasy (For the ecstasy)
Oh, love like ours is never, ever free (Free)
You got to pay some agony for the ecstasy (For the ecstasy), oh:oh:

Nights when you're alone, you know that I
Laid with someone else beside me
Oh, but you love me still and I love you
You know I would no matter where I'd be

Hey, but love like ours is never, ever free (Free)
You got to pay some agony for the ecstasy (For the ecstasy)
Oh, love like ours is never, ever free (Free)
We got to pay some agony if we wanna have ecstasy (For the ecstasy), oh...
Hey, got to pay some agony
If we wanna have an ecstasy, yeah:eah:
And we need each other desperately, don't we, baby
And I'll never from you be free, no, no
So you'll have to do the leavin' me, yeah
And you'll have to do the leavin' me, oh, baby
'Cause I'm gonna pay the agony, yeah
'Cause, oh, lovin' you is ecstasy, that's what it is
And I'm willin' to pay the price, oh
'Cause I'll make it a sacrifice, oh, yes, I will
And I'll never, never, never, never, never, never, never be free
From agony.

The Final Marriage Blog

"RBG, you're the woman men wanna date.... not the one they end up marrying. You're beautiful and funny, and resolve conflict easily..... you're not a 'rah-rah' girl"

..... well, damn.

On Dating Your Future Husband
For just a moment on the night of March 26th... I thought I was getting engaged.

It was then and still remains the one problem with being in the head over heels and dating in love stage. When you know you're with your future, every romantic evening you wonder will that be the one. I've not been in love like this in quite some time. And I realize how much I missed it.

The last time I was in love *like this* I was 16.
Not including my sun of course. I mean like love of a man... not of my blood. But I finally had to admit: I'm anxious. There. I said it.

And every milestone I wonder, why didn't it happen... then. Forget my uncle's big birthday bash -- the first large family event he escorted me to. Forget that our 2-year anniversary came and went. Forget my birthday, and random Hallmark holidays.... they came and went.

On The Exhaustion...

Warning: I'm in a sentimental mood... missing my dad like crazy.

Honestly? I'm this.close to being exhausted of the marriage idea: when it's gonna happen, why hasn't it happened for me, blogging about marriage... but it's all I can think about. (Dramatic). But really... it's everywhere: in my mailbox, on Facebook, in my family, on TV, in every old acquaintance asking "so what's been new with you? Married? Kids?" *sigh* Even if I was trying NOT to think about it.. it's in my face.

Plus the holidays always bring about a flood of wedding engagements and 2010 and 2011's holidays were no different. Three ladies I know, two Sorors and a Friend/Colleague all were proposed to on New Year's Eve and Christmas, respectively. And recently one more Soror got engaged and another just announced she was married. One of the fiance's said: "I want you to be a bridesmaid... but I know you'll say 'no'." Damn right I will! I'm tired of being a bridesmaid or "single" guest at every wedding I attend! (Often times people don't even let me bring a guest... just cause I'm not married I gotta come stag? Word?!) I thought the biological clock ticked for CHILDREN... well, I have my one and he's quite enough. I guess (as God intended) marriage and children are a combo deal. I'm missing a piece and my now 31 year old heart and soul is starting to feel it.

All my friends put up pics of them proudly flashing their rings to broadcast their happiness and it got me to seriously thinkin about the importance of that piece of jewelry. Seeing as how I've had serious conversations of a man's WANT to marry ME being the most important part of engagement over anything... how/where it's done or what he slides on to the left ring finger all be damned, but it's really something to have that feeling... no pressure, no shot guns, just good ol fashioned, "I really don't think I can do this life shit well without YOU." Now THAT'S something.

So when my friend who was so blunt to tell me I wasn't the 'rah-rah' girl asked: "Why don't you just propose to him?" I chuckled. After all... the whole reason behind a man proposing to a woman is because it's generally understood that women want to get married. Whereas men need some .... coaching.

When I was first proposed to I was 16 years old. And I don't mean on paper "Will You Marry Me" but he bought a ring, took me to a park and poured out his soul to me and then presented a cute little ring with a tiny diamond for which he spent the whole summer earning hundreds of dollars for. It was the most romantic thing I'd ever seen. I miss that feeling. Miss that want... I still have a poem about it. I cherished that ring for many years. It was the thought behind it, for me... It was simple.classic.elegant and represented a stage of life for us. Simply put: it was quite perfect for a 15 y/o boy to have picked out on his own.

But alas, engagements 1.5 / weddings 0 (the half really doesn't need a paragraph)

I know the history behind the Circle and it's symbolism as it pertains to marriage... I know why men get down on the left knee. But what does the diamond mean? Why is that lil thing so important?? You know the HISTORY of the diamond? A couple years back, a friend of mine got a ring for a Christmas present. A very pretty ring set in white gold with a pink stone and tiny diamond clusters. She's been waiting on her boyfriend to pop the question for a while... Seven yrs in fact. When she showed me the picture I was ecstatic. YAY! He proposed. "Girl, no. That is not an engagement ring."

*swamp sounds* "Well it certainly is pretty." I didn't understand. What was to stop that from being an engagement ring? If you really want to marry someone, but don't have the ends to purchase the ring (his excuse for why he hasn't done it) you want is it so wrong to be nontraditional with certain things? Get creative? What if you have a non-traditional girlfriend? Do you still try to traditionalize the moment or make it something special for the TWO of you. Who cares what society thinks!? ....sorry, tangent.

We spend our money on what we want to... if a man wants to buy an engagement ring he'll make it priority. If he doesn't want to buy an engagement ring, he'll buy shoes and trips and shit... for those fortunate enough to not have a gang of bills (UNlike me lol)... you have the luxury of making your own rules... what's important and what's not. My friend's Facebook status some months back was:

2k11 year of the reality check: If you 25 and older and have been dating someone for 5 years or more and are not engaged to be married... press pause give your relationship a reality check ... don't take 5 years heck don't take 1 but I will give 2 years just to be nice... waste no more time... ppl don't want to hear it but here it is and I am keeping it real....

And this convo developed into something about what else... jewelry (for some reason people always equate wedding to jewelry *smh*) Ex.H.I.T. used to always say to me... "don't take all day to recognize Sunshine..." Now while that relationship was flawed beyond belief... didn't he have a point? I've heard that from various men.. men in my life who've married, men on radio programs, that they know exactly if they want to marry you or not... early! So what does that say about the very long relationships?

The point is.... Now that I am a little older (and exhausted) I am starting to understand that the ring.... well that's easiest part. I'm realizing a man could keep the ring, if only I knew he genuinely loved me so much he wanted to be with me forever, officially. Not with me and continually texting/tickling an ex, not with me but meeting up with random potty-mouth, non-elegant females when I'm not looking... not with me but getting aroused by other means. Just.me. And maybe I'm naive for thinking that's possible... but I don't feel like it. I still feel like it's possible. I feel like I'm there.... just need a lil nudge in the proper direction... perhaps. (The "he" in this example is general.)

Because I'm NOT a "rah-rah" girl...
I have no desire to call or message females and ask them what they're doing texting, sucking or fucking my man. I have no desire to act a fool in public. I have no desire to throw things and yell to resolve conflict. I just wanna be loved. And love in return. I want to be faithful and know he's being faithful to me. I don't wanna act out in spite because he can't get right. *cues TLC's "Creep"*

So that leaves me in Limbo
I know you shouldn't measure success on marriage.... I was just granted quite a prestigious promotion at work, I have two guys who love me every day, solidly, I have a nice house, a truck and bills out the wazoo that I can pay.... most days lol... so why do I feel so incomplete? When life is going fairly well?

This is gonna be my last blog for a while... and my last on marriage as a single woman. Because at the end of the day, while I can't control it being all around me, I can at LEAST try to concentrate on other things... it's not like I ain't got shit goin on! I won't let the idea that I haven't been great enough consume me. Especially when so many non-great people marry every day. lol It's you; not me.

I simply have to remember that what is for me.... will be.

This LIFE....is what you make it.

RBG Note: This is a blog originally started on March 21... and never finished or posted. It infuses stories from about 3 other unfinished pieces since then (see ya'll, I am often compelled to write, I just don't finish most of the time).

As I sat down at my uncle's 60th birthday celebration, Future by my side I smiled and began to think THIS is the year my life begins to change. For the better. I felt it then. I feel it today. Every day I'm smiling (with the exception of these last couple depressed weeks). I don't take the non-serious things as serious. I am finding fulfillment in everything around me and if there IS none, I'm deading the situation and placing myself in a better one. I am claiming the happiness I want and taking it for myself. Speaking up for it, fighting for it if I must. Showing the problems, the Devil, my adversity who's boss. I finally feel GROWN.

Don't get me wrong, I have always been full grown, but now that I understand how to BE grown, it's like the newest level of grown there is. And I adore it. While going to drop off my truck in the body shop a couple weeks back an old familiar tune played through my speakers. Oh how I miss Dave Hollister. His lil deep hood tunes that I couldn't really connect with so much then, I feel to my core now. I understand what he was singing about...

"Seeing you reminds me of, all the nights I useta beat it up...I would do it again, but I can't. See everything is different now, I done finally settled down.. I became a one-woman man." ~D. Hollister

There comes a time in every relationship where the people who comprise it want to do right and be right within that relationship........... right? I realize we have different experiences with every person... well I have finally accepted that now... after a conversation with my dear friend and Frat brother. We were talking about exes and I asked did he think it would be DIFFICULT to let go of an ex you had such an extensive of a history when you have such a positive future in your presence.

“That is what makes it difficult to completely release people you truly have loved because there is a small list of things that only that person can really do well for you no matter what anyone else does. And nobody on earth will ever understand it except you and that person…” ~Blue

I have spent my adult dating life trying to be everything for the man I'm with... and I realized today that's not gonna happen. I must accept that my Future is going to have memories of past... as am I... especially if there's a child involved but more so when you were in love.... like really in love... it may be harder to let go than we like to put on or admit. But I'm glad to be at D. Hollister status.... where a person can remind us of good times but we remember what we have at home... and how we want to build on that before we text back, flirt back, call or fuck.. when do we get to THAT level? What we gotta do to STAY there?

Cause um grown... I ain't letting NOBODY mess this life up. You either in it to win it or you gotta get gone too... by any means necessary...

"ANYBODY can get it... in.this.bitch!" LOL (Reference: I Wanna Work for Diddy)

*walks off singing* My life, my life, my life my life... in the sunshine!

#notsorandom

Do Over (2010 Wrap Up)

"Even though I was outta line, I miss you like all the time and if you don't wanna see me fine. A good girl's hard to find, so maybe in due time... Can I get a do, ooooover? Can I get a do, ooooover?"
~Ghostface Killah f. Raheem Devaughn

I've been on a bit of an extended break from work and I'm so excited about it. Last Tuesday afternoon at 5 p.m. I did the Robot right on out the door and will not return to the office until January 3 of the New Year.

Speaking of the New Year, it's always a time to clean out the old and bring in the new. So last weekend I began to empty my house of excess clutter starting with my home office. (I'd already taken every work giveaway and paraphernalia to the office the week prior.) You'd be surprised how much paper and sh*t you accumulate over two years time in a new house. Just starting with the home office, I've got a ways to go, but in that initial sweep I ran across an old journal of mine from 2007 and started skimming over it. I flipped from page to page of bad bad memories and depressing disposition. Instead of sulking there in those pages, brewing over the past I ripped them out, tore them into pieces, and threw them away right along with shredded bank statements and random magazines I never read. I kept only the first entry written 5 months after my sun was born. I share that here:

Nov. 12, 2007

My WORD was I depressing when I was pregnant! I just spent the last hour skimming through old entries... yuck! All the "woe is me, why can't (CP) love me the way I deserve to be loved" crap gave me a headache. For real. No wonder I stayed emotional and sh*t: worried about the wrong bull pooh. WOW! So um yeah, thankfully I was blessed with a healthy baby boy nearly five months ago despite the fact that I was too busy worried about his daddy during my pregnancy.

(Sun) is a wonderful baby. He truly lights up my life. He's adorable, he's happy, he's sweet and funny. Yes, funny! Can't speak a word yet but his sense of humor is already developed. I love him with every fiber of my being. He makes every day that I get up and pray to the Creator and go to work worth living. And when work is over I can't wait to get home to him.

Speaking of work, I currently have two jobs (kinda) at the moment. I am working to try to prove myself at better paying gig in my field to get hired on permanently. It's way out in Lincolnshire. When I initially interviewed he (male boss, yay!) said that it would be 2-3 weeks before they made a decision to hire me on or keep me as a consultant. This week marks the beginning of my fourth full week. So I plan to revisit our conversation to see where I stand because I have to let my other boss know something. Meanwhile, my mother is handling things for him in my absence. She's doing a great job too.

I am praying that everything will be as it should w/the better gig. I tried the Suzy Homemaker role, letting the man be the breadwinner but it's just not for me... right now. Perhaps one day it could be but right now I want the family and the career. And for the last month I've been able to do just that. The job (as per usual) comes with certain irritants but it's in my field, pays well and will afford me the things I'm trying to build towards and accomplish by 30. It's time to realize what's important... in life. Worrying about my mate, what he's doing and will I ever marry and sh*t like that does nothing but stagnate a person. And that's exactly what the devil wants to happen. He wants to sidetrack your progress

Well, I am DONE giving him that kinda power. Over me... over my life... anything! I am still working to keep my relationship solid. Still staying loyal and quite determined to make it work. But I know I am only one part of the equation. And that's the only part of the equation I can worry about and know for sure.

My baby is five months old in three days. What a blessing! Thank you, Jehovah for all you've allowed for me. I should be sleeping, but I was asleep pretty much all evening when I got home. I was exhausted! Didn't even cook or eat dinner...... "Tomorrow, tomorrow and tomorrow."

~ (RBG)

The New Year also brings about for most a great deal of introspection on life and all it's mishaps. How we want to rid ourselves of those mishaps in a new year... don't bring all that same drama or baggage with us. Start fresh. A "do over" of sorts. All in hopes that we won't be doing the same thing December next year. Reading that journal entry of how life has changed (and what has stayed the same) in the last 3 years really made me emotional. I'm really proud of where I am now, even though I have more debt accrued now than then. Even though I'm still not married with child. I can really appreciate where I am MENTALLY. Even though I still have my moments. I think as humans we all will have a bit of insecurity as a common trait. Some of you just do better at masking it to the world. But truly, I've grown so much as a WOMAN in that period of time. That I really would like to sit back and congratulate myself on that growth.

Because I truly reinvented... life. Myself. It's hard to believe that my 31st birthday is right around the corner. In a couple weeks in fact. And in my decision to begin to strip off my old personality and start really applying the new one, it brings great hope in knowing that if I am fortunate to see 2012, I WON'T BE doin the same ol wishin for a "do over" but embracing all the new blessings. Not that my old personality was bad... she rocks.. but there's just so much about her that could be better. Face it... so many things we can't redo... we can't go back and not have a child or choose to have one, we can't get a do over when someone close to us dies... but we can continue to do things, or redo things within ourselves until we get it right. We can continue to accentuate the positives and really hone in on the not-so positives.

I choose to do that...

I can't redo so many things... I just.can't. But I can act like tomorrow is a new day and continue the RIGHT way to do things. No matter what others are doing around me. Because (honesty moment) I can be very much an in SPITE girl. Do things because I'm hurt... or wronged.. or to let it be known I can do things too -- with NO hesitation, problem and just as much pleasure... when pushed.

That journal entry let me know how far I've come... as a mother, professionally (being in a career where, yes, I work hard to prove myself everyday but people NOTICE and want me to lead the teams that will make our field have the most impact) personally and in relationships. I'm happy. Very... even on days when I'm extremely irritated by, whatever, I can SMILE on the outside and in at how happy and blessed I am to be around the people that mean the most to me... and who love the hell... outta me. Face it... I got out of a relationship in which I felt like I wasn't always the most important and now reside in one where I feel I can talk to my mate about anything and even if he doesn't understand..... he'll TRY... because I'm number one... That means something.

EVERY New Year we'll talk about the next year "being different" or what we're gonna do.. I don't wanna do too much differently. I wanna strip off my old personality from a spiritual perspective, yes, but I also wanna continue these personal successes... move to the next levels.... director positions... marriage... continue raising that happy, FUNNY, sun... and all with the Creator by our side.... 2011... let's get it.

Happy New Year Faithful Readers.... do all you can... and be all you can in the newest year of our era.

*~RBG~*

Image Source: http://www.fortefoundation.org/images/content/pagebuilder/19251.jpg

F.L.A.G.S.

"I returned to see under the sun that the swift do not have the race, nor the mighty ones the battle... time and unforeseen occurrence befall them all." ~Ecclesiastes 9:11

The race of dating can be very exciting... The green f.l.a.g. signals it's time to start... "and they're off!" Hot and heavy. You can't get enough of each other... you think about each other all throughout the day... you text/call just to say hi, about the happenings of your day, to say good morning/night, send pics of yourself while doing mundane tasks.

"Trying on more shoes! LOL :-)"

It's truly one of the best parts about Love. The newness, the smiles, the laughs, the mindset that nothing else matters at all but you, him and the beauty that is ya'll. Then you start to mellow out. You don't need to chat allll day... since you'll see him when you get off.. you may still say "I love you" at the end of the conversation but only if the mood is right. You're comfortable in your relationship. You're happy. Things aren't roses, butterflies and rainbows everyday but you're content with the progress you're making... little did you know after coasting comfortably through that lap... danger befalls you... yellow f.l.a.g. a problem arises... it could be a variation of things. Something that alters the mood, the chi, the atmosphere and it shakes the comfort zone... makes you wonder how a couple once so in looove could seem like total strangers around each other. You're in the same room not talking to each other... doing anything but in fact. And you don't even know how the hell you got there. It's because you didn't pay attention to the problems people create... the red f.l.a.g.s. when s/he reconnected with an "old friend" who s/he just happened to sleep with once upon a time. While you thought you were growing together s/he was out (re)connecting with people from the past or new b*tches/dudes all together.... and talking to that person for hours on end... 30-40-60 minute conversations... middle of the night phone calls... When s/he stopped having sex with you or complimenting you. When s/he couldn't even tell you what s/he thinks of you... "I think you're great... amazing... even though you get on my nerves sometimes.... I think you're a perfect parent to our child... I think I love you more each day..." anything but silence. When you stopped being friends first and only business partners... splitting the bills but not sharing feelings and having fun together... when s/he accepted a picture of his/her exes genitalia... when you read or found out that s/he still loved him/her...when s/he stopped caring what you thought about things, didn't ask your opinion... when s/he did things to intentionally hurt you... just to get back at you for something. When your grown up relationship felt like you were dating a child who can't open up to you and just have a conversation before they go and act out..... and then by the time those red f.l.a.g.s. appear... you have nowhere to go... you feel like you've wasted time on the wrong person... you discount all the good times you guys had together, someone doesn't wanna work at it to see where things went wrong. And you wave your white f.l.a.g. You quit. You surrender... You bow out. You've given it your best years ... all you had and failed. You're defeated... and before you know it you look up, and someone is waving that checkered f.l.a.g. signaling one last lap... you throw caution into the wind and go for it... and forget the race you just lost for the hope... the faith.... the determination and mindset of finally crossing the finish line.... yet after all your races... STILL unready and unprepared to lose again.

I been in this game for years; it made me a animal. It's rules to this sh*t; I wrote me a manual. A step-by-step booklet for you to get your game on track, not your wig pushed back. ~B.I.G. "10 Crack Commandments"

For the Love of the Almighty, Get Serious!

Hot/Cold, Stop/Go, Yes.... No.

Maybe so.

"Good Afternoooon, Dr. Jekyll because there is no place to Hyde, Big Brother Sir!"
~ A Different World

I always think it's important to take note of how we each have an alter ego. Different egos have different triggers, for some people it's liquor that makes their "crazy" side come out... for others it's weed or another drug of choice... for some it's the reminder of who they used to be. For example, a (wo)man who couldn't be faithful once upon a time but on their best behavior, gets pissed about something their lover does (anything... doesn't even have to be cheating related) and falls back into their old ways. It's a vicious cycle if you allow it to consume you.

We all know the story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? A chilling tale of a seemingly sane and smart man who concocts a potion (aka drug of choice) and with just one swig of it he turns into a monster? Someone outside of himself that no one recognizes? I was thinking today that we all have a little Hyde in us. The question is: what is your concoction trigger?

Today I was having a conversation with my (new) boss... *gasp!* I know, I was shocked too... we do that now... about pregnancy and how much it changed us, for the better. (We both have one toddler son.) She smokes and I asked her how hard it was to give up cigarettes when she was preggers and she said not hard at all.. and I said the same for drinking. I stopped cold turkey and without a second thought because it was what was best for baby... and even before I knew him I loved baby more than everything ... anything. I didn't even take to drinking a glass of red wine here and there because I didn't trust that it was OK. The minute we were done giving birth, however, she and I returned to those same habits. And NOW if I say, "I'm gonna stop drinking for a while" it doesn't stick. I wondered why...

Granted, I'm no alcoholic (wait, isn't that what all alcoholics say!?) I don't need (or consume) a drink in the mornings or to help me function and I can rarely be caught drinking throughout the work week. I am more weekend social... and some weekends I can not drink at all. But when I'm social... I'm social! Then I really sat down to think about it: so was my dad.. when I was a child my father drank on the weekends and sometimes I could sit back and watch liquor change him into a different person... fun one minute, mean as shit the next.. and I wondered how much this played a role in my life today, if any. Now, granted, I don't drink like that when I'm around my sun, but still. Might I one day? Life is still young (hopefully) and I wouldn't want to start.

I love my dad dearly... he was an awesome person overall, inside and out... I am like him in many, many ways... but I don't wanna be like him in that regard. When I was a young teen, my daddy changed his habits after a very scary triple bypass. No more booze, no more smoking and it extended his life... a bit. I still believe to this day, had he not quit when he did he wouldn't have lasted nearly 10 more years. He would have been gone much sooner. From the food he consumed, to the drinks to the cigarettes and the Black man's straight FEAR of the doctor he would have surely left sooner.

So I take this all into consideration when I make my decision... I no longer want to abuse my body with things that cloud my judgment, make me complacent or just don't fill me properly... the phrase "everything in moderation" comes to mind, but people often use that as an excuse to do whatever they please, just don't OVER do it. I must face it... if I'm really to make "daily applications" to be the best RBG... Christ-like... I am going to have to really put things in perspective. I can't base my actions on anyone else's or their lack thereof, for my relationship with God is only mine. Furthermore, I don't want some life-threatening scenario to be what changes my attitude. I want to make the decision on my own accord.

What attitude/behavior is YOUR Mr. Hyde? What will you do to control him?

RBG Note: it took a lot for me to write, let alone post this blog... it's really in truth and transparency. It don't get much realer.

On To The Next One

"The same way you get 'em, is the same way you lose 'em" ~Soror W.

So I have been hearing story after story of the Alicia Keyes and Swizz Beatz rumors to the point where I finally decided I needed to say my two cents on the matter. And some people ain't gonna like it.






Stop being mad at Alicia Keys!
(Yeah, I said it!)

I just read Mashonda's open letter TwitTM to Alicia Keys about ruining her marriage and I was floored. Why do women always attack the "other" woman? Be it verbally or physically? I will never understand. Speaking AS a woman who has been cheated on, left for another woman, I can honestly say I've never been THAT chick. No Tweets for me. No MySpace or Facebook stalking your life... or lives together.... it's just whatever it is. I may have had some choice words for him, but that's to be expected. He's the one that looked me in MY face, told me he loved me, would never hurt/leave me, blahditty. Mashonda's case a bit different. He was her husband... and apparently they'd been married a long time. Five years in fact. They'd taken vows before God that they would "forsaken all others." Swizz broke that vow... not Alicia. (Now, I am simply giving an example AS IF the rumor they were having an affair is true... I am still not so sure it is.) [Below are actual excerpts of the Twit, from Vibe.com]

"Me and my husband have worked out our differences. We are in a good place as people and as parents. I accept his choices and I am comfortable enough with myself to move on."

Now this the shit I don't get... so your husband, of FIVE years who you just had a son by and you are in a GOOD place... you accept his choices... WHY on earth are you still reaching out to Alicia Keys? Is she not supposed to be happy she's in love/engaged/pregnant? Is she not supposed to talk about her happiness? What explanation or apology or "concern" does she owe you? Like Judge Judy say, she didn't take your vows with you (IF this alleged affair really did take place) HE did.

It's easy to tell the (other) woman, in a nutshell, "yeah um, we still together and happy..... he still come see me, visit me, with me, sleeps with me..... we gettin back together... you're just a side piece... you this or you that..." but most of these scorned wives generally know the score but are gonna tell the other woman whatever she needs to in attempts, to rattle thangs up. Get under the (other) hers skin.

"My concern with AK is no longer the fact that she assisted in destroying a family but that she has the audacity to make these selfish comments about love and wanting to be with someone, even after knowing their situation."

We really don't know WHAT she knew if you really wanna get down to it. For all we know, Alicia Keys could have found out ex-wifey was pregnant via a text sent to Swizz when Keys was on her way out of town/the country. She probably confronted him about it because he didn't mention it and started to do the math and figured in order for her to be pregnant, that would mean they were sleeping together more recently than what Swizz originally told her and now she's a victim of circumstance cause she's head over heels for him and sometimes it's not that easy to walk away from love especially with him saying he still wants to be with her. (This is all hypothetical... I think.) Further, she can't "assist" in destroying a family that was already destroyed. I refuse to believe people walk away from perfectly happy marriages. When it's a well-known fact that MOST people cheat because of some void they feel at home. I just can't see them not having a conversation or three about issues in their marriage.

I'm not judging you, I put you and the whole situation in the hands of God, the Higher Power.

Why do people DO that?! We're all in God's hands way before any transgression. Like we each have some super powers that put our issue in front of the BILLIONS Jehovah has to deal with on a daily basis... always talking God's hands and Karma and all that... when your religion probably doesn't even believe in Karma! Cut that out people!

According to Swizz, in an article on Zimbio, they'd been separated 10 months... how stories can conflict, hunh?

NOW, in NO way am I condoning extramarital affairs. Should I ever find some unsuspecting fool to marry me it is my largest concern cause I truly think men create their own problems with the emotional connections they keep. Setting themselves up for FAILURE. The flesh is weak and as we remember from my last post, the mind controls the body. We already know more than half of marriages fail... we just all go into 'em hoping we'll be apart of the minority.

Mostly, the cataclyst for this blog? I just want people to start taking responsibility for their own shit. No one can destroy your marriage/relationship. We do that on our own. No one can "take" your lover... your lover willingly goes. No one OWES you any sort of respect, concern, or discussion... so just be happy when you get it.

I said I would be continuing to support her career. Nobody wants to look at that sh--. They wanna look at 'Alicia Keys.' That sh-- is ignorant." ~Swizz Beatz

Exactly.. if you gonna look at anybody... look at Swizz! LOL ... but no, forreal.

ONLY Swizz and Alicia know what they were really doing or — for THAT matter — what Swizz was really telling her while they were doing what they were doing, because they can concoct some very elaborate stories, can't they?

All that being said, I hope Alicia watches herself. She may wake up a couple years later with a beautiful seed, finding that her hubz still holds a closer relationship to his ex than she thinks. Scorned wives have a way of trolling their ex's new relationship and just staying on top of it. Because they WANT that relationship to fail. They want someone (specifically her) to experience what they did, even if they SAY they don't. So be leery, girl, of her sending old pics, texting about the good times, pictures of body parts, inappropriate conversations nothing to do with the child, asking him to get her a new wardrobe, hair done, shoes (and not with alimony or child support but out of YA'LLs money) and him ACTUALLY DOING IT, referencing their marriage CONSTANTLY, reliving the engagement and when he bought the ring, all the "remember when?s" and possibly taking your child out with theirs behind your back like THEY'RE a family! Like Sunshine Anderson said, "I heard it ALL before!"

My Soror constanly uses the phrase: "The way you get him is the way you gone lose him."
Sometimes we don't realize how we got 'em.... you just a victim of circumstance. On to the next one...

Sources: maniestopart2.com, thehoodtime.com, dailymail.co.uk, vibe.com, zimbio.com

It Ain't Cheatin Till...

*sings*Him and her, as far as can be... S-E-X-T-I-N-G
First comes emotion, then comes regret, then comes a problem they can't soon forget.

I miss the time of unlocked cell phones and trusting mates... technology has really taken a turn since our younger years. I remember when I had the young Smart Beep pager, remember when 4-3-7-7-0 and 1-4-3 were cute little codes, remember when phones didn't have lock codes... what are you hiding in there anyways? With all the SEXTING rage and things that have hit close to home for me in the past of my mate textually pouring his heart out to the wrong girl, I often worry that this will ultimately be the figurative death of my relationship... a friend of mine just recently found something very disturbing in her man's cellphone... and as someone who's been there, I could only sympathize with her. They always say, seek and you shall find. But some shit, you're just supposed to know.... some shit you're supposed to TELL your mate. Sexting, I'm learning is looked at as something that's "not that bad." If a woman sends a pic of her pu$$y or ass, or her doing a sexual act, it's like looked over as NOT being disrespectful... but isn't it? I mean, porn is one thing but sexting and video conferencing masturbation from an ex who you can easily talk to or see any given minute of the day/week... is that not disrespectful to the homefront?

I ask cause I want clarification... I mean, being a flirt, I can often remember catching myself harmlessly doing so with a complete stranger while getting my car out of valet or walkin through a mall if I'm spoken to first, but no numbers were exchanged and definitely no pics of body parts sent. When I was single, one person used to send me penis shots... just random penis shots I guess to give me a preview... when I got them then I would smile and send something flirty... when I told that person I was now in a relationship all of a sudden the random penis shots stopped. I guess that's the difference in someone who really wants to work on their relationship vs. someone who's just always gonna continue to do whatever the fock he/she wants... no matter how their partner feels about it?

And then the question of "is it really that big a deal?" comes into play... but isn't it? Conversations of that nature, ESPECIALLY with someone you used to physically DO just ain't cool... she sending pics of her half nekkid in the bathroom for pic IDs and shit... ugh... and ya'll wonder why I worry about the future of relationships? Really? We do some dumb sh*t... and often... with little regard for the other person. A complete and utter "single till you're married" approach to love and life... but what a way to show you care? right? Versus like acting accordingly. Not saying I'm perfect... I'm certainly not... but I miss the days of unlocked cell phones... the days where people didn't have to delete threads of conversations and their entire email inbox to destroy all the disrespectful shit they do when their mate isn't looking... would you have deleted it if she couldn't find it? Why were you doing it in the first place?? I'm so nervous ya'll... I can only keep praying that Jehovah has something better for MY relationship and that I won't have to go through that once again... I couldn't trust easily again if I did. And would a locked cell phone now make me wonder? Absolutely... it's a product of my emotional environment. I am forever tarnished by that act... cause if I'm not doing it for you, I'd much rather you tell me and I can find somebody I do it (and oh so much more) for. Why waste our time if you're going to emotionally (or physically) cheat....

Is the "ain't cheating till you're married" the new phenomenon?? I mean, what's really the scientific reasoning to why people can't DO right? Why play these awful, awful games??? What ever happened to perfect practice makes perfect? Act in your relationship how you will when you're married and recognized by God! or get the hell on...

Am I overreacting?

I'm a 30 y/o unmarried woman... and I approve this message.

Can't Win...

...we don't need another point of view there's already too many...we need a common ground or thread to lace it all up...to keep us from fallin' on our ass again.. ~Theory 13

*siggggghhhh* Why do I even bother?

Flash Forward

"This shit was all I knew, you and me only... I did it all for you, still you were lonely... we coulda worked it out... I'm gone need you to say something baby.." ~Drake

At some point, we'll all have to choose a road to take... a road to happiness. We can't ever truly travel that road to the best of our ability if we're steady looking back or wondering about the road we never took. My Soror called me this morning and spent a great deal of my start discussing her relationship with her man who she's been loving for a long time... and recently found out he was still buying things for his ex. Not for the child they got together, but for her. Like, for her birthday he got her an outfit and her hair done... and some random gifts here and there. And wanted my take on the situation... as if *I* know what the hell I'm talking about.

Despite my personal feelings about the example given... I think we all basically need to get real!

Why do we make forever so hard??? If you're happy where you are, why do you create so much conflict outside of that? Use that energy, that MONEY and invest in your current situation.

"I ran across something the other day that made me blink, made me think that this forever type shit you been sellin me, is nothing but a fantasy cause you can't recognize the real... from the fake... holding on to a toxic past... one that ruined you, and is trying to ruin us."~Sanni Blue

My answer to her, to him, was simple: Let the past GO... finally... and embrace your beautiful FUTURE!

It really doesn't have to be so difficult... sheesh! How the heck do we get to forever with such tom foolery!?

I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Order of Things

"I called my ex and told her I was changing my order... she didn't wanna hear that." ~ Steve Harvey Live at the Venue

There comes a time in our lives where we have to change the order of things... that's the synopsis of what Steve Harvey said when I was gifted with the opportunity to see him live at The Venue in Hammond, IN for my born day. (Thanks babe!)

We saw him perform on the eve of his birthday (Capricorn! Yah!), so after he split our sides with hilarity, they brought out a cake for him as a surprise and after the Stevie Wonder version of "Happy Birthday" he began to TEACH us some things. Sidebar: I always find it funny when people dog him about his book."How someone who been married 3 times gonna tell me about relationships?!" I mean, really, aren't those the people we should take heed from? Those who been through it? Failed at it? Endured through it? Tried again till they got it right? How hard is it to find someone who has been truly and HAPPILY married for many moons? Still living well enough to tell the stories. The answer is extremely. I appreciate someone who's been there sharing some knowledge cause in a time of 58% divorce rates (may be higher these days) we need all the help we can get. *rant over*

Anywho... the "message" was how we can make things better for ourselves... by changing our order: 1. God; 2. Family; 3. Education; 4. Career. Saying if we start to get our priorities right all things will begin to transcend... he went on to say that we are always mixing up our order which is what sets us back individually with our different trials and tribulations.

When someone leaned over to kiss me on the cheek during that message is when I realized, he knew too that our order was merging. I am loving the order of things... it feels great to say I am happy while staring in another person's eyes... and mean it. I couldn't always do that. It feels great to have a tiff and instead of looking for the first bail out plan or thinking about the green grass elsewhere I want to tend to my own lawn. It's great to be in a place where all parties involved understand it's the work of everyone on the team that wins championships. I am loving the order of things. To sit down and study the Bible with my mate is something so foreign to me... I wouldn't have IMAGINED doing that just a few short years ago... it's the order of things..

My career, while sometimes on my nerves, is fulfilling to me. My education is solid... it's the order of things. I want to keep.this.feeling.... this.order. Trying to do right, isn't as hard as we make it out to be when we know the proper order of things.

I know I haven't always made the best decisions in my 30 years on this planet, nor always did what I was supposed to do, and I am sure I will screw up from time to time, but it truly feels like all is (becoming) right now. Things are molding just because I've realized what's important and solidified that order. It's never easy or given to us without work and sweat, but it CAN be ours if we just take the time.

I can only pray, He continues to walk along side this blessing... cause the devil stays busy. Thank God for order.

Let's get in order, ya'll.

art source: http://www.amazeartgallery.com

I'm All In...

photo courtesy of photos.tobinhosting.com/d/4682-2/aag.jpg

Be Congruent. B-E Congruent.

"They won't do it unless you ask... but you have to say what you mean in such a way that it's a congruent message that is in line with what you want to obtain. If your message is one thing and what they're (reading) is something all together different. They are more likely to believe what is in front of their face. You've got to send a congruent message with what you say and what you physically give the (reader)." ~ My Boss

I've been doing a lot of talking about focus lately. And I've been doing a lot of thinking to get focused. Show focus and Be.Focused.

My job entails a lot of talking... I speak practically everyday to Chicago youth about life after high school choices. I am talking a lot in my relationship, communicating so much better than I ever have before and loving every minute of it. But I'm doing all this talking but must remember to send congruent messages with my actions.

Sometimes, however, I miss the mark. A personal flaw (of very few lol) that I am aware of and trying to manage. You see, all this time, I've thought of my blog as my own personal online Eric Jerome Dickey novel. You guys know of Mr. Dickey? His novels are awesomely constructed of sex, lies, drama, laughs and tears sprinkled with little parts of his real life as something to fall back on. It's why we readers adore him. Every page is so real and human like... you can relate to to it.. sympathize with it or just listen.

Little known RBG fact? I've always wanted to be a playwright and writer... I've got stacks and stacks of old notebooks to prove it. Because in my former life I was to be a reporter slash poet slash author. I love to write: journaling or fiction.. poetry... it's all a reflection of me, but not ALL me. I say that to say that this blog (well really the one previous to it) serves as my little artistic outlet but sprinkles bits an pieces of my life throughout. Really... these are my thoughts. But not all of them... I leave a lot of stuff out for anonymity purposes. Ya'll know how I feel about putting people on blast.


Many of you who read my stuff (thank you) don't know me... but for my fans that know me for who I am, and NOT my alter ego, sometimes what I write here might be a bit much. Which is why I generally don't broadcast that I have a blog to my friends and family. Because more often than not it will cause a problem. And I don't ever want to bring ONLINE problems into my real, totally awesome life.

A little about that life?

I am in real love. Daily. If ever that is up for question because of the tone of my posts, speak to me directly. Many, if not ALL of my posts are generally based on a life I used to have moons ago, but somehow connect in a way to tell a (hopefully) riveting story and/or send a message. Who I am online, isn't exactly who I am when I am playing Do or Die Uno with my family, or having a cocktail over a boxing match. I am much more complex than the words I type... or perhaps my words are more complex than me. I am a simple girl with big dreams. A vivid imagination and a curiosity about life, love, and the pursuit of happiness that is my fairytale. And I express that... here.


In 2010, I am beginning to send congruent messages. I don't ever want someone close to me not knowing where they stand... I have to let my mouth be congruent with what they hear and what the actions they see.

"If I talk about how great it is.... I might jinx it." ~ RBG to Big Sis

I am not a superstitious person, I'll walk under a ladder... kick a black cat... open an umbrella indoors and shrug, but I have said the above quote SO many times. Why on earth do we I keep the great stuff to me and sometimes a selected person? I went through my personal journals... and every page, ya'll... EVERY PAGE was focused on the negative. What IS that? When I KNOW, speaking negativity breeds negativity? I don't want and/or need ANY trouble. I want to effectively get across my point without confusing/hurting anyone I love.

"Messages are conveyed in a wide range of ways, not just by our words. Any conflict between all these messages which are being conveyed simultaneously by different means will make it much more difficult to get your message across successfully. This becomes especially important if [crisis or controversy are involved]." ~KMG definition

I meant what I said about moving forward in 2010... I am literally and figuratively leaving the past behind me. Speaking positivity and enjoying my present. Congruency between life and this powerful pen of mine.

The Tale of My Two Cities...

Well, 2009 is a done deal. Full of it's ups and downs. Triumphs and down-right disasters of situations. But alas, here she is.

"I'm trying to have all truths and revelations REVEALED in 2010. So let's talk about it." ~CP
So, I am a bit delayed getting out my real 2009 introspection because the first two days of the New Year were spent relaxing, recovering and laughing. BUT ya'll know I couldn't NOT send one out. 2009 was an emotional roller coaster of a time for me but I still managed to come out on top. Tis the story of RBG... she survives.

My year in review held a lot of tears at the beginning and sprinkled in here and there. In February, I tried to move on from life as I knew it, even though an extremely painful transition, my alter ego wouldn't let me realize I was dealin with (or refusing to deal with) some serious shit. Even the sweetest distraction couldn't keep me from knowing that something was wrong because it also was filled with issues of a different kind. So the joy I thought was coming in the morning, never came. Or appeared falsely, depending how you interpret.

I've recently had the pleasure of enjoying meaningful conversations with CP. We've had the fortunate pleasure to make someone so special and we're trying to collectively make this the best family ever by strengthening our friendship and getting closer... So, when he said something along the lines of "all truths revealed" it made me think about an awful lot... I kept so many truths to myself in 2009 but toward the middle/later part of the year, I really started to hone in on what's important. What's necessary, what's not blah blah blah.

So let's reveal some truths... about self.

Once a boyfriend physically wrote (not typed or emailed) to me, "how can you expect so much from me, and give me so little in return?" I realize now, that this still holds true to me nearing 9 years later. He eventually left me and married another... also something (not) foreign to me... who he continues to be (somewhat) happily married to today. These kinds of questions and inquisitions can really make one wonder. When you think you're the greatest girlfriend, and people are affected, tremendously, by the negative things you do, it says something... sometimes. I may not always be the most giving of... things, but what I HAVE always given is unconditional love. I've loved several different men, who all in some shape or form hurt me. But I loved them anyway. OK, so sometimes I'm emotionally distant... and a little stubborn... and maaaybe a little selfish when it comes to SOME of my things I've worked hard for... sometimes...maybe. But I do a lot of good too.

BUT, I hear what he's saying.

Forever is a long time... and to be happily married (or in any kind of relationship or friendship) there needs to be a lot of FOCUS... GIVE and TAKE... COMMUNICATION... PASSION... WORK... AND MORE FOCUS. With that being said, in order to PREPARE myself for the solid effort of being successful in a marriage (assuming King finally finds Queen, of course) I need to pack up and leave this city... and move on to my next. The first city, the one in which I have been living, is the one in which I am leaving. The second city is the one I'm moving too...

My Beloved Mother came over to my home on New Year's Eve to help me prepare for our NYE Celebration. She's truly an extraordinary woman... she drives me crazy sometimes, but I wouldn't trade her for the world. She told me while washing my dishes (while we reminisced about my Daddy since his anniversary is approaching and singing Blues songs) of how she cried and cried when she turned 30... and my Daddy told her in only the way he can, to stop that crying because unless she wanted to DIE the only option is to get older and learn from life before it.

And then she told me: "But once I stopped crying, and faced the beauty of it, that's when life really got better for me. Things were really great."

It made me smile... I could only hope the same for me.

My first city, was occasionally filled with darkness and only glimpses of hope sprinkled throughout. I didn't capitalize on those glimpses, instead... I focused too much on the darkness, let that consume me until I was nothing that I recognized....

But oh, my second city, is my spring of hope. I have the tools to be more successful (in LIFE and LOVE) I just often don't use them. I have hope where I didn't before... I started realizing this in the last months of my lease in my 20s... I started to hone in on the positive and laugh at the adversity... cry less... figure out tactful exit strategies from heartbreak. I smile more now... I live... in the now. I express my feelings better and without trying... no superlatives or games...just me. I am a better woman than I once was... in my 30s, I will embrace her. I will learn from the woman who resided here before me. No more pressure of unknown things, only capitalizing on what I DO know... that I am a gifted entrepreneur, a forever blooming flower and a work in progress... progressing.

When King finally notices, his Queen will be ready... ready to build, ready to strive, ready to live, laugh and love. It will still take two, but I'm ready to do my part... 2010.... RBG is ready for you... bring it all to me, cause I know how to embrace me now, so embracing you will be as natural as whole grains...

Happy New Year, people... Let's show 20-10 what we can do...

~*RBG*~

"And I'm Still Alive!"

Just when I think we're taking two steps forward....you push us four steps back...

This has been my week of introspective conversations. I've had a 90-minute commute of a conversation with my brother (a married father of two) about relationships. And I stayed up till 3 a.m. going back down memory lane and having a heartfelt interpretation of our relationship history with CP.

I hate talking to BOTH of those guys cause they might be the only two people of the male persuasion who know me best. Always dissecting me, realizes the root of my question, issue, trouble... or we just kick a lot of science together.

The topic of the first conversation: does forever-type monogamy really exist?
The topic of the second conversation: does forever-type monogamy really exist... here

I found myself pondering this one morning after touching base with an old ex... a chocolate, funny, endearing brother with whom I once shared a magical time with. He lives in another space and time now... we both do. While he is practically perfect... tall, chocolate, muscular, handsome and sexy, branded with the right letter, beautiful smile, educated, well-off... he's never been a very committed man to his lady loves... including me. Though neither of us were ever exclusive with the other, but still... in the years I've known him, he's always been a, "I'll commit when I'm married kinda guy." Which would be fine, if his girlfriend at any given time knew he shared that philosophy.

I thought CP, who emotionally cheated on me SO much, that I now think perhaps it's OK to receive/send a flirty text at 2 a.m. or masturbate to a naughty picture of *insert what turns YOU on about an ex here*... I mean, so long as we don't physically touch, what's the problem, kinda logic... eeeeven though, I totally know what the problem with that is... my logic is now skewed. Cause I've been on the recipient end of inappropriate texts and emails from my exes and have seen the former women in his life send some of the naughtiest things... emotional masturbation ... and I wondered.... is there something to this "cheating" thing? Does that connection, even emotional, with someone keep you sane when shit in your relationship just gets too much to bear? (What about when you're emotionally cheating when your relationship is pretty damn GREAT... what would that mean??? What kind of person does that MAKE... you??) Is there a cut off? Can we just connect with someone on an emotional or spiritual level and never sleep with them or get caught up in the moment? IS that possible of humans? I would like to think that even our self-control can only keep us in line for so long if we keep putting ourselves in a situation we would fail at.

Case in point: if I were a taken woman, spending time, even trading textual winks and the occasional conversation or picture mail, with Chocolate Ex would be problematic, because his smile makes me want to kiss him, his humor makes me want to laugh with him and his uh, memory makes me want to sit atop him, so I do best staying very fah away. And I do... but where relationships fail is that each person doesn't feel that way. He still chats...you still chat...planned outings with people...it's all just an unnecessary mess.

This is all to say, that this is my 2009 Year-in-Review... this joint is practically ovah. I'm in a totally different place than I was in January. Emotionally, financially, physically... totally. And I am totally, totally OK with that. I just don't give a fuck no more. I am never sure what the future holds and I often get scared shitless of it. When you get old, you die. But for now, I'm still alive... I've always envied people who can live without regret, but TRULY live up to their actions and enjoy every minute of it... why shouldn't we each be one of those people... so long as we're not putting ourselves in jeopardy (unless you like that sort of thing)

But now, by the Grace of God, through all the emotional bullshit, heartbreak and just plain, "why the fock would you DO that, dude?" I.am.still.ticking... so because of that... I am going to LIVE

...for as long as I can, man.

INTROSPECTION

"Commit the oldest sins, the newest kind of ways."
~ W. Shakespeare

I've not done much in life that I regret.... OK, not anything... but at times, lately, more often than not, I regret... that. I wish I'd stuck out my decision... not caved under hardship. Remembered why I made decisions I made and not allowed a sweet, innocent face to deter me. Because times change, people... generally don't. And this is as it will probably always be. I have been filled with SO many thoughts as these last months of 2009 linger and die...where the fock did this year go anyway? A year ago, I had a new outlook on life... and in the course of 12-months, I had a dream deferred, a job that told me to go kick rocks and an altering of position that I never, ever expected.

30 seemed so far away 9 years ago... hell even 4 years ago at 25... and now here she is... standing along-side a practicing her lines 29, before the curtain comes up for her big show. Fidgeting with her nervous fingers and listening to Lauryn Hill bellow... "they got sooo much to say right now... they've got so much to say..." Wondering what she still has to prove... and who to. Wondering why life has played out this way. Why she's perfect for someone she can't have the way she wants him. Why she's not married. Wondering how she was so blessed to have a beautiful, healthy sun who accepts and doesn't care about any of her faults...to him, she is perfect and all he ever needs.

She paces behind that curtain, wondering if she's still got it... wondering if her voice is back and will it be heard.... scared this debut could go extremely well or fail in flames. The crowd is getting antsy.... but then she remembers... she's never looked better. She's blessed beyond measure... and sometimes you have to live for the moment. SO with that said, she stops being sooo apprehensive... starts knowing that even if this is her very last show.... it will be spectacular...

Because she has learned to seize the day.... live in this moment. For the first time in her life, she's headlining!

I may not always trust my first mind... and listen to my heart before my head... but it's gotten me into just as many great situations as it has "second-thoughts"....I was nervous about 30, but as it nears, I'm learning that my life IS dramatic, and full of ups and downs, but my successes and triumphs aren't to be discounted JUST because I am at times an emotional mess and unmarried.

30 is gonna have just as much good stuff... and it's nothing to be afraid of... time to perform!

"Live in de light!"
~ Fertile Ground