If a Man Wants You

something I found in passing...


If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.

If he doesn’t want you, nothing can make him stay.

Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.

Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that’s not meant to be.

Slower is better.

Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.

If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can’t "be friends."

A friend wouldn’t mistreat a friend.

Don’t settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.

Don’t stay because you think "it will get better." You’ll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.

The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

Avoid men who’ve got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn’t marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?

Always have your own set of friends separate from his.

Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.

If something bothers you, speak up.

Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

You cannot change a man’s behavior. Change comes from within.

Don’t EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god.

He is a man, nothing more nothing less.

Never let a man define who you are.

Never borrow someone else’s man.

Oh Lord! If he cheated with you, he’ll cheat on you.

A man will only treat you the way you allow him to treat you.

All men are not dogs.

You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two-way street.

You need time to heal between relationships...There is nothing cute about baggage.

Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.

You should never look for someone to complete you. A relationship consists of two whole individuals. Look for someone complimentary, not supplementary.

Dating is fun; even if he doesn’t turn out to be Mr. Right.

Make him miss you sometimes. When a man always knows where you are, and you’re always readily available to him — he takes it for granted.

Don’t fully commit to a man who doesn’t give you everything that you need.

Keep him in your radar but get to know others.



Share this with other ladies.
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You’ll make someone smile, another rethink her choices, and another woman prepare.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, and an entire lifetime to forget them.

Via here.

The Glory

"I can't study war. No, no. I can't study war. I did it for the glory." ~K. West

There's something about doing girly things like drinking Pinot, wrapped up in your favorite blanket, watching Project Runway that just makes a girl want to blog. So here I am. Hello. =)

This blog has been in the works for ohhh *checks calendar* just ova month now. I wanted it to be "perfect" but finally figured I would release it "as is" since now three people have asked where this blog post is. I apologize. I've been rather busy... wedding planning. Yes, world. Future and I are (finally) getting married. :)

Last month, as a birthday present -- and vacation -- I took Us to Mexico. And on his birthday, my "yes," to "Will you be my wife?"
was his present. He proposed on his birthday. So now, little does he know, his birthday will now forever be known as the day we got engaged. LBVS...

We're not going to have a long engagement. We've known each other since we were toothless and our relationship as adults has grown exponentially in the last two years so we didn't feel there was a need to waste any more time. So I am glad we were in agreement on that. But my idea of just going downtown and reading generic vows didn't go over well. *Gong!* But I was so ready to do so... like Nora said, "When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." (When Harry Met Sally)

But he convinced me that a celebration in front of our closest friends and families is what we deserved to culminate our life together.... so that's what we're doing. In spring. What better season to celebrate a marriage of friends like Us. Spring: rebirth, new life, growth, renewal and purity... it's almost enough to make me cry.... again. Spring is also when we got together. So it seemed only fitting to solidify our single anniversary by marrying and making it an "official" anniversary. One Jehovah and my new mother-in-law will actually recognize. Word on the street is she gives great anniversary presents. Shhh!

On Forward Progress ... 0 to 60
I always thought life would feel the same after we're married. Like when you're already doing most of what married couples do, you'd think once the paper is signed, it feels the same but now I am not so sure. There's a different vibe in our home now that we're even engaged. A great one. Don't get me wrong, it was nice before, but feeling it all come together is very sobering. Relaxing, even. I'm proud of how far we've come together and confident in the growth still to come. And believe it or not, I wouldn't have wanted to do it any other way.

I knew then, but understand now, why everything happens for a reason. There's a time, place and space for everything.

On Being The Bride....
I haven't (yet) become Bridezilla. I've kept it very calm and sane. That's partly due to the fact that I only have one person in my "bridal party:" my sister. She's also my maid of honor. I didn't want to deal with trying to figure out who should be in my wedding. And who shouldn't. Doing a hierarchy of my friendships and close acquaintances... or putting people in the wedding because I was asked to be in theirs or any of that ish. I just wanted her. The one person who I know will always ride or die... talk out conflict and do what is necessary without complaint.. to my face lol.

I also commissioned my first cousin as my wedding planner. She's fabulous, detailed and amazing. The hall is booked and being paid off. The dress is chosen. The save the dates, sent. The invitations, in development and the menu, decided. Flowers, favors and centerpieces, in process. All we have to do is pay our vendors and show up.

It's almost like I thought this day would never come... but here it is practically November and every day I come to terms with the fact that she will finally be his wife.... and it makes me smile.

Miles Away From Ordinary.

I just want to thank my Earth, Wind and Fire Pandora station for gifting me with this Smokey Song I'd never heard... WOW!



The Agony & Ecstacy

By: Smokey Robinson

What's it all about, this crazy love
How did our two worlds entwine?
How do I fit in to your life?
How did you get into mine?
I belong to someone else we know...

Back when first we met
Oh, we thought for fun
One night together might be nice
Oh...oh...but fun turned into love for both of us
So now we pay forbidden lover's price

Oh, 'cause love like ours is never, ever free (Free)
You pay some agony for the ecstasy (For the ecstasy)
Oh, love like ours is never, ever free (Free)
You got to pay some agony for the ecstasy (For the ecstasy), oh:oh:

Nights when you're alone, you know that I
Laid with someone else beside me
Oh, but you love me still and I love you
You know I would no matter where I'd be

Hey, but love like ours is never, ever free (Free)
You got to pay some agony for the ecstasy (For the ecstasy)
Oh, love like ours is never, ever free (Free)
We got to pay some agony if we wanna have ecstasy (For the ecstasy), oh...
Hey, got to pay some agony
If we wanna have an ecstasy, yeah:eah:
And we need each other desperately, don't we, baby
And I'll never from you be free, no, no
So you'll have to do the leavin' me, yeah
And you'll have to do the leavin' me, oh, baby
'Cause I'm gonna pay the agony, yeah
'Cause, oh, lovin' you is ecstasy, that's what it is
And I'm willin' to pay the price, oh
'Cause I'll make it a sacrifice, oh, yes, I will
And I'll never, never, never, never, never, never, never be free
From agony.

F.L.A.G.S.

"I returned to see under the sun that the swift do not have the race, nor the mighty ones the battle... time and unforeseen occurrence befall them all." ~Ecclesiastes 9:11

The race of dating can be very exciting... The green f.l.a.g. signals it's time to start... "and they're off!" Hot and heavy. You can't get enough of each other... you think about each other all throughout the day... you text/call just to say hi, about the happenings of your day, to say good morning/night, send pics of yourself while doing mundane tasks.

"Trying on more shoes! LOL :-)"

It's truly one of the best parts about Love. The newness, the smiles, the laughs, the mindset that nothing else matters at all but you, him and the beauty that is ya'll. Then you start to mellow out. You don't need to chat allll day... since you'll see him when you get off.. you may still say "I love you" at the end of the conversation but only if the mood is right. You're comfortable in your relationship. You're happy. Things aren't roses, butterflies and rainbows everyday but you're content with the progress you're making... little did you know after coasting comfortably through that lap... danger befalls you... yellow f.l.a.g. a problem arises... it could be a variation of things. Something that alters the mood, the chi, the atmosphere and it shakes the comfort zone... makes you wonder how a couple once so in looove could seem like total strangers around each other. You're in the same room not talking to each other... doing anything but in fact. And you don't even know how the hell you got there. It's because you didn't pay attention to the problems people create... the red f.l.a.g.s. when s/he reconnected with an "old friend" who s/he just happened to sleep with once upon a time. While you thought you were growing together s/he was out (re)connecting with people from the past or new b*tches/dudes all together.... and talking to that person for hours on end... 30-40-60 minute conversations... middle of the night phone calls... When s/he stopped having sex with you or complimenting you. When s/he couldn't even tell you what s/he thinks of you... "I think you're great... amazing... even though you get on my nerves sometimes.... I think you're a perfect parent to our child... I think I love you more each day..." anything but silence. When you stopped being friends first and only business partners... splitting the bills but not sharing feelings and having fun together... when s/he accepted a picture of his/her exes genitalia... when you read or found out that s/he still loved him/her...when s/he stopped caring what you thought about things, didn't ask your opinion... when s/he did things to intentionally hurt you... just to get back at you for something. When your grown up relationship felt like you were dating a child who can't open up to you and just have a conversation before they go and act out..... and then by the time those red f.l.a.g.s. appear... you have nowhere to go... you feel like you've wasted time on the wrong person... you discount all the good times you guys had together, someone doesn't wanna work at it to see where things went wrong. And you wave your white f.l.a.g. You quit. You surrender... You bow out. You've given it your best years ... all you had and failed. You're defeated... and before you know it you look up, and someone is waving that checkered f.l.a.g. signaling one last lap... you throw caution into the wind and go for it... and forget the race you just lost for the hope... the faith.... the determination and mindset of finally crossing the finish line.... yet after all your races... STILL unready and unprepared to lose again.

I been in this game for years; it made me a animal. It's rules to this sh*t; I wrote me a manual. A step-by-step booklet for you to get your game on track, not your wig pushed back. ~B.I.G. "10 Crack Commandments"

For the Love of the Almighty, Get Serious!

Dreaming in Reality

"Last night I had a dream, thoughts of you were in my head... felt soo real to me, this is what (it) said...." ~ "It Was All A Dream" Jay-Z

I had a dream that he proposed to me on a Sunday morning, and by noon Monday we were married at the Daley Center (assuming that's where that happens cause I haven't the slightest idea) Monday night our ring fingers were tatted... because I dream in color, we spent the first newlywed year vibrant and lively... growing in the Truth and stepping over worldly pressures... and then we partied and celebrated with our closest family and friends at our anniversary party renewing our vows, dancing up a storm and all smiles...

Hey, a (Real Black) Girl can dream.... can't she? :-)

image source: http://clubs.plattsburgh.edu/museum/studio6.htm

The Tangled Web

"Oh what a tangled web we weave, When first we practice to deceive!"

~Sir Walter Scott

My homeboy is finally... finally preparing to pop the question to his long-time girlfriend and the mother of his child. And as awesome as that news is, he's got a bit of a problem. His ex-wife and mother of his first child. She is not taking his recent change of heart well... well, because up until he had this change of heart he was still very much doing inappropriate things with her. Not sex. At least not that he's told me about. (And I'm 85% sure he would've shared that) but other things like texting her he wants her "sooo bad" when he and the Mrs. haven't had sex for a few days. Or paying for her hair do/outfit, just because. Or doing family activities with their child and his child by his girl (WITHOUT his girl).... so when he finally decided to change his order... she changed her attitude. All of a sudden, the things he does aren't good enough.... the way he SHOULD have been interacting with her before, that he's NOW finally doing is unacceptable, because she's not used to it... because it's proper. And HE seems confused that she's trippin. lol

You.Know.Gatdamn.Well!

He's told me to my face that he knows things would never work with this girl, so my question to him would be well why on earth do you get her hopes up and do things that make her think you're SO unhappy with your relationship? Let him be irritated with the Mrs. you can definitely catch him texting her that he wished he'd stopped by after work before coming home. Like, do you think that's RIGHT? (It's not.) Why do you let her text you pictures of herself when she knows you're with someone? Not your kid, but her. Now, *I* respond to inappropriate texts/picture mails with silence... nothing makes it clearer. Some people ask their culprit to stop / not do that. But HE replies with "Well, don't you look great" or "Nice!" You can't be sending mixed signals and shit and then wonder why she's mad you're finally concentrating on your family, where your head should have been the whole time. And don't have cheated on her or been a ho when ya'll were together... because she's gonna suspect that you're still a ho, and that your behavior is in your nature. So when you do un-ho / changed man-like things, she's confused.

I write this blog not to scold my boy (really) but just as a message that we DO create our own problems a lot of the time. A frat brother of mine who recently found out he had another son by a new BM, had a similar story to tell. We were discussing how his new BM felt about the way he treated HER (not his new son) but her, and that he had to break it down to her.

"(New BM) says I used to be sweet and patient. I told her I still am...just aint finna talk and deal with whatif's. (That was) part of my gross mistake with (Ex-Girlfriend) and why it took/is taking so long to rectify. (My inability to separate the two) is part of the reason me and (Original BM) couldn't be in the same room with each other for years... You can't serve two masters. You either in or out. Gonna learn from my mistakes..."

Well!

My boy could take a lesson from this. He is CONSTANTLY doing what ifs with his ex wife... constantly. She'll text about, "remember when we got married?" "Remember when you bought my ring?" Of course he remembers! He was there. Entertaining these kinds of conversations and going back down memory lane are never any good for anyone... unless of course you want to be back with someone. Sends the wrong message. And it's important to learn this early... before he gets married (if that's what he really wants to do) so he continues to send a congruent message that he's all about his family and his (future) wife. That doesn't mean his relationship with the ex is over... of course not. They have a kid. But their relationship is supposed to change.

It has to change.

"We parents... ain't gone be nothing more and I ain't finna talk bout us or what happened or any of that. We have set times and communication. Can't move on if we still wondering."

This relates back to one of my posts (if not several).... eventually we're all going to have to pick a path. And do what is necessary to make that path work. You simply cannot, to use my frat brother's words, "serve two masters" because it's gonna come back to bite you. Hard. Where are you going to lay your head? Where are you going to exhaust your energy and time? Let that be one place. Send a congruent message to your ex. EX-communicate the bullshit. Because it does nothing but create bigger problems when you've had your epiphany. Don't let the past stifle a future.

Keep growing, my friends! The life that awaits is fantastic! Trust me... we full grown!

Let's Hear It For The Boys...

"Sooo let me get this straight: you dress and look like this *points* yet you smoke an occasional cigar, love sports, play Poker, drink whiskey and watch ESPN? Will you marry me?" (Paraphrase) ~Guy at a Bar

While other sisters were trying to break their tomboy attributes I always embraced mine. I knew one day I would dress like a lady, I was in no rush. Even when I was in grammar school and the average boy couldn't really see who RBG was (I can think of three guys who had interest in me during junior high which is minuscule in comparison to my then girly counterparts) it didn't bother me. I wasn't interested in much of anything the standard boy was into then anyway... Nope... I was more into 3-way phone conversations of gossip, shooting hoops, rollerblading and all things active, and still playing with my dolls and toys (yeah, on a public blog I said it). It wasn't until I hit high school when ALL the boys adored a frosh-soph jock. Not only was I athletic, but I had a big ass... bonus. Freshman year I began to embrace my femininity as much as a TOM BOY for the first 14 years of her life could. So I wasn't necessarily wearing skirts and dresses yet (OK, I just started really wearing skirts and dresses within the past six years). I also have a very strong, public speaker like voice...

..... what the hell was the point of this blog? .........

Oh yes. I've never been afraid to be the tomboy... BE "one of the guys" because I found without any sort of extensive research that if you were seen as a buddy they could eventually see you as a girl; once they saw you as a girl, they could see you as their girl... it never failed. Fool proof! And I was doing very well with this particular way of thinking... until I had a child. Don't get me wrong, having my sun is still the best thing I've done to date... but something fundamentally changes a man's perception of you when a woman... gives birth. Suddenly, I'm not RBG the homie anymore... I'm RBG the mom. Despite me ONLY wanting a boy as my first child (and publicly announcing it -- there was none of that "so long as it's healthy" crap with me) because I knew I would be able to CONNECT with him more vs. a girl... despite all my guy-like qualities without being a butch lesbian I am still seen as "wife" and mother... versus the person and friend you fell in love with. And I think this is completely unfair. I'm still me... and still a LOT of fun. (If I do say so myself.)

I'm blessed with very strong familial support so I generally, even if I do hate to ask sometimes, can always find a sitter — everyone ADORES my child... why wouldn't they? — so getting away is never a problem. I didn't turn into one of those weird holier than though moms either. I don't specifically ask that you change your language around my sun, though I will ask you to smoke outside (he has young lungs and second-hand smoke kills!) and to be completely honest, unless it's a family event where other children are present, you don't even have to worry about seeing my child at all. And you'd only KNOW I was a mom if you knew me. Even at work, I don't talk about him unless someone asks who the adorable creature is on my desk. And even then it's not a flip out pictures moment and telling you stories about his first steps (unless you inquire cause you're reeeeally curious). I still have my own identity. I still love to do the things that make me me... in FACT, I appreciate them more now because I am an outstanding mother and my child is now my main priority, so I do spend a lot of time with him but I still need a life outside of him. You can't remain sane any other way. Luckily for my sake I was never a "baby talk" person so I still know how to speak to adults as such because well, I talk to my sun, as such. Ever since the womb. I'm really a great, down-to-earth mom who never lost sight of herself despite my biggest fears that I wouldn't know what the hell I'm doing. Think Miranda. (Long video...really first to up about the 4th minute'll do ya.)



So... why does this happen... to me? I don't know yet, but I want my life back... the life when my men friends/mates still invited me to the things we used to do that made us the friendship/couple to envy... the best friend you've always wanted who can not only look good in a suit and a dress, but help you through your lady problems... share a beer from a bottle as it was intended, yell at the game while cussin like a sailor (only when ABSOLUTELY necessary) but still a tiger in the bedroom, can cook and all that gibberish. I am not trying to lose my identity in being a mom. I need all my components on a regular basis: my motherly ya dig, my simply-RBG ish, my girlfriend time (I am fabulous and loooove tight jeans, shoes and handbags and my walk is mean), but more importantly, my man time. My tomboy isn't going anywhere... no matter if my lip gloss is poppin and there's a jogger stroller in the back of my whip.

So please, don't forget about ya boi.

Cheers! *raises fried chicken and a shot of Maker's Mark with well-manicured and polished nails*

It Ain't Cheatin Till...

*sings*Him and her, as far as can be... S-E-X-T-I-N-G
First comes emotion, then comes regret, then comes a problem they can't soon forget.

I miss the time of unlocked cell phones and trusting mates... technology has really taken a turn since our younger years. I remember when I had the young Smart Beep pager, remember when 4-3-7-7-0 and 1-4-3 were cute little codes, remember when phones didn't have lock codes... what are you hiding in there anyways? With all the SEXTING rage and things that have hit close to home for me in the past of my mate textually pouring his heart out to the wrong girl, I often worry that this will ultimately be the figurative death of my relationship... a friend of mine just recently found something very disturbing in her man's cellphone... and as someone who's been there, I could only sympathize with her. They always say, seek and you shall find. But some shit, you're just supposed to know.... some shit you're supposed to TELL your mate. Sexting, I'm learning is looked at as something that's "not that bad." If a woman sends a pic of her pu$$y or ass, or her doing a sexual act, it's like looked over as NOT being disrespectful... but isn't it? I mean, porn is one thing but sexting and video conferencing masturbation from an ex who you can easily talk to or see any given minute of the day/week... is that not disrespectful to the homefront?

I ask cause I want clarification... I mean, being a flirt, I can often remember catching myself harmlessly doing so with a complete stranger while getting my car out of valet or walkin through a mall if I'm spoken to first, but no numbers were exchanged and definitely no pics of body parts sent. When I was single, one person used to send me penis shots... just random penis shots I guess to give me a preview... when I got them then I would smile and send something flirty... when I told that person I was now in a relationship all of a sudden the random penis shots stopped. I guess that's the difference in someone who really wants to work on their relationship vs. someone who's just always gonna continue to do whatever the fock he/she wants... no matter how their partner feels about it?

And then the question of "is it really that big a deal?" comes into play... but isn't it? Conversations of that nature, ESPECIALLY with someone you used to physically DO just ain't cool... she sending pics of her half nekkid in the bathroom for pic IDs and shit... ugh... and ya'll wonder why I worry about the future of relationships? Really? We do some dumb sh*t... and often... with little regard for the other person. A complete and utter "single till you're married" approach to love and life... but what a way to show you care? right? Versus like acting accordingly. Not saying I'm perfect... I'm certainly not... but I miss the days of unlocked cell phones... the days where people didn't have to delete threads of conversations and their entire email inbox to destroy all the disrespectful shit they do when their mate isn't looking... would you have deleted it if she couldn't find it? Why were you doing it in the first place?? I'm so nervous ya'll... I can only keep praying that Jehovah has something better for MY relationship and that I won't have to go through that once again... I couldn't trust easily again if I did. And would a locked cell phone now make me wonder? Absolutely... it's a product of my emotional environment. I am forever tarnished by that act... cause if I'm not doing it for you, I'd much rather you tell me and I can find somebody I do it (and oh so much more) for. Why waste our time if you're going to emotionally (or physically) cheat....

Is the "ain't cheating till you're married" the new phenomenon?? I mean, what's really the scientific reasoning to why people can't DO right? Why play these awful, awful games??? What ever happened to perfect practice makes perfect? Act in your relationship how you will when you're married and recognized by God! or get the hell on...

Am I overreacting?

I'm a 30 y/o unmarried woman... and I approve this message.

Everyone's a Critic

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone... but don't let him throw them all at me, cause your shit stinks too!!

"She Got Daddy Issues"

Hello Blogworld!

I come to you in higher spirits than I expected to after the first wave (my morning cry). Today is my father's 65th birthday. He is no longer with us, but very much still alive in me. "You are truly Don's baby!" has been spat out of mouths of my relatives way more than I can count. Even though my father has been gone a decade now as of this past January, each year still feels like a new wound. This past January (during my birthday week, which is also when he died) when I was crying on my honey's shoulder, I confided in him that I almost felt crazy crying like a newborn 10 years later... he then told me I could be a 60 year old woman and still cry about losing my parent... it's a very traumatic experience. Especially the way in which it all happened -- which I will spare you guys for the sake of keeping readers. lol

But since January, I've been doing a lot of introspection about it all and what I've found makes me saddest, since I've had 10 years to really think about it: is that when he had to go, is when all things started to go south with the rest of the men in my life. Yes, when my daddy died, men (who entered my life, anyhow) forgot how to be MEN. They don't know how to wear the MANY hats it takes to be a good man, like he did. More than just being a provider... more than just unconditional love... more than just being "head" of house... It's like my daddy's presence kept them in line... kept them from being rude, dumb, disrespectful, unappreciative, disloyal, arrogant, selfish... heart breakers.

Heart Breaker! Dream Maker! Love Taker! Don't you mess around with me! ~ P. Benatar

Now, just bear with me now... I always hear of Daddy Issues in the sense of women who didn't have father figures to teach them right from wrong while growing up, so they latch on to men who are all wrong for them in efforts to fill that void (in a nutshell). My father was with me up until I was 20 years old, so you'd think I'd be solid...

So yesterday, I was sitting around thinking about the timeline of events... between my dad's death and the following summer I found out my "fiance" (who walked with me down the church aisle to view my dad's body) had had a summer romance with some short chick he told me was nothing... the next summer (after staying with him) he broke up with me while I was in Wisconsin working my internship at a large newspaper. Later that SAME summer, he met someone at a wedding and married her a year later (two years after my Daddy for those of you who may have gotten confused). During that same summer, I was broken up with via email, by a boy who I'd dated off and on in high school... not as traumatic since he was my fallback boyfriend. His family loooooved me, but I think the pressure started to get to him of when we would be man and wife. He would later marry the girl who he would visit when he told me he was visiting his "cousins" in St. Louis. He has no family in St. Louis. Well, he does now... in laws.

Since then... man who wanted me to "submit" without offering anything to the table... we weren't even DATING.. man who was emotionally spent and crazed and a hater, wishing nothing good to anyone, man who was too prideful to say we worked well and commit to me, and guy who could have been perfect if he stayed out of his own head... and those are only the honorable mentions...

It's true, I have my very own daddy issues...

They come in a plethora of criteria, it seems.

But I've figured out how to make this "issue" now work for me, and it only took me a decade. Since my dad isn't here any longer to check you about your hat at the dinner table, opening the car door, not acting like a complete monkey and I am truly Don's baby, I have to fill his void, for myself. Even if it means comparing every man one to my dad... not in the literal sense, but the emotional senses and the God-given senses. Do you make me a priority? Do you care about my feelings? Do you allow yourself to see a situation outside of yourself? And because I've raised these questions, and ones like it, I am really chopping away at people in my lives who just don't get it... or get me. I may be a 30-year old woman with Daddy Issues... but I'm just glad my daddy was around to give them to me... and for at least two times a year on days of his birth, or rest I can think clearly enough to clean house of those who don't mean me wellbest...

Thanks Daddy for the perspective... until we meet again!

image source: http://www.japanator.com/elephant/ul/10576-620x-b3351bcbaec0ac012f92a2c962ef0304.jpg

2009 Rewind...

2009, for me, was all about Love.
I can sum it up in just that one little powerful word.

I started a To Be Continued post on The Black Family a while black... and how it was dying. Dead. Kaput. This is my rewind of that.

While I DO still feel the Black Family has a loooong way to go, I no longer feel it's a lost cause... I think. I spoke to a friend of mine, a Married of several years, like 7 who is contemplating leaving the Sacred Union because there is little that can be done to restore it back to it's original goodness. With three little ones, a nice home, two cars, head of household at stake, it's difficult for many to see how someone could walk away. I feel bad for that friend, cause I know that Friend has been trying the hardest to keep things afloat in that marriage. It makes me wonder... not only about the Black Family but about this concept of forever..

"I want this shit forever mayne." ~ Drake

Forever is such a long time... and it often worries me. I mean, I think about a couple like my parents who suffered and survived every kind of problem a marriage could from alcoholism, anger management, heart attacks, infidelity to death, and still managed to look at each other lovingly after 27 years... and pray that at least the "lovingly" is in my future. I don't know that I have the patience or staying power to deal with a few of those things... but marriage says for "better or worse," "in sickness and in health"... clearly many people don't take this charge (hence why we have a something like 58% divorce rate?). I know each year of any relationship (married or otherwise) is going to come with ups and downs... at what point do we stop wanting the "forever" we signed up for?

In my present relationship, everyday is a lesson. Everyday is a glimpse into the future. And I am enjoying each day more and more, even the trying ones to get to that forever possibility. I've read of people marrying someone "no matter what was going on at the time" they proposed. Meaning, things were clearly wrong, and probably destined to fail but people still entered into something so serious. Why do we do that, exactly? When we know something is wrong, or won't work yet we enter into it anyway? For... ever? Is it because we take the concept and idea of marriage so lightly the thought of "well, if it don't work, I'll just get a divorce?"

I mean, I know I am a never married individual speaking on this subject but that's how we unmarried individuals either stay unmarried or only marry — and stay married — once. Hopefully the latter for me. I know I talk a lot of shit, but there should be NO contesting I'd make an awesome wife... *pauses to see who dare disagree*.......
......
...........
............

*ahem* so I say all that to say this:

Black Family, we can be so much more than Dads visiting their children every other weekend, baby mama drama, and constant drama and bullshit. (I do realize white families go through a lot of the same, but that doesn't affect me.) I just keep looking at that Ebony cover of the Obama's... you think Barack and Michelle don't have issues or haven't had any in all their years? OK, maybe they're as perfect as they look, lol, but the point is, I am sure they have days where Michelle/Barack is like, "OK, please get away from me" but both realize the importance of the other in her/his life.

Sooo with all this introspective thinking.... I came up with one solid solution for hope: we can save our families starting with taking more responsibility for our own actions.

MEN...

Leave your pasts behind... you guys are so caught up on hurting someones feelings, or just not over someone, holding on to someone who you can't be with or don't want to be with, stirring feelings just cause you got too much time on your hands, or WHATEVER the fock you're doing does NOT help. I mean, seriously, if you don't listen to anything I've EVER said, listen to me NOW when I say, pick a path (read: woman) and stick with her. Give her your ALL.. and see how that goes for you... video chatting, sex texts, inappropriate pic mails with your exes, baby mamas, jumpoffs and the like just keep us in the struggle... COMMIT.

WOMEN....

You can't become a different person once you have the ring or a few months in. Rationing the precious, not cooking, not keeping yourself tight around the waist and what not (trust me I'm guilty of all.. OK, not the first one, but maybe the second from time to time and definitely the last BUT my eyes are open now...I'm on it lol). You have to do the SAME things you did to get him to keep him... it's a poorly used reason from men when they cheat, but when you think about it, it's true. We often transform ourselves during the dating process, or so I hear, cause we are looking for marriage... I implore you: STOP it! To know you... is to love you! He should get to know you. If he loves that person in the present... he'll love her in the future.

MEN...

You can't be sitting around the house not doing NOTHIN.. clean up, take the garbage out, wash a dish, help with the kids! Motherhood and taking care of a home is TIRING... it's helpful to your home and relationship to lend a helping hand. And not just every once in a while, but on a REGULAR basis.

WO(MAN)...

Be prepared to work together... pray together, put God first, cause it takes HARD GOTDAMN WORK to get to forever. And listen to your mate... sometimes — hell often times — they are putting you on notice without causing a fuss. Found something troubling, but leave subtle hints to avoid drama but let you know to shape up or ship the hell out...

Let's NOT enter into anymore future forevers without understanding the work and commitment there needs to be on our OWN part to salvage it and make it its best. Stop always pointing a finger and fix yourself first. You know what wrong you doing before it's even pointed out. Unless you're one of those people who just sucks... come on people... I could cry writing this blog post. I know the Black Family could be SO much more, if we just give ourselves some credit for our own shit... the good, the bad and the ugly...

Ya'll kno who it is....

Flash Forward

"This shit was all I knew, you and me only... I did it all for you, still you were lonely... we coulda worked it out... I'm gone need you to say something baby.." ~Drake

At some point, we'll all have to choose a road to take... a road to happiness. We can't ever truly travel that road to the best of our ability if we're steady looking back or wondering about the road we never took. My Soror called me this morning and spent a great deal of my start discussing her relationship with her man who she's been loving for a long time... and recently found out he was still buying things for his ex. Not for the child they got together, but for her. Like, for her birthday he got her an outfit and her hair done... and some random gifts here and there. And wanted my take on the situation... as if *I* know what the hell I'm talking about.

Despite my personal feelings about the example given... I think we all basically need to get real!

Why do we make forever so hard??? If you're happy where you are, why do you create so much conflict outside of that? Use that energy, that MONEY and invest in your current situation.

"I ran across something the other day that made me blink, made me think that this forever type shit you been sellin me, is nothing but a fantasy cause you can't recognize the real... from the fake... holding on to a toxic past... one that ruined you, and is trying to ruin us."~Sanni Blue

My answer to her, to him, was simple: Let the past GO... finally... and embrace your beautiful FUTURE!

It really doesn't have to be so difficult... sheesh! How the heck do we get to forever with such tom foolery!?

I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Order of Things

"I called my ex and told her I was changing my order... she didn't wanna hear that." ~ Steve Harvey Live at the Venue

There comes a time in our lives where we have to change the order of things... that's the synopsis of what Steve Harvey said when I was gifted with the opportunity to see him live at The Venue in Hammond, IN for my born day. (Thanks babe!)

We saw him perform on the eve of his birthday (Capricorn! Yah!), so after he split our sides with hilarity, they brought out a cake for him as a surprise and after the Stevie Wonder version of "Happy Birthday" he began to TEACH us some things. Sidebar: I always find it funny when people dog him about his book."How someone who been married 3 times gonna tell me about relationships?!" I mean, really, aren't those the people we should take heed from? Those who been through it? Failed at it? Endured through it? Tried again till they got it right? How hard is it to find someone who has been truly and HAPPILY married for many moons? Still living well enough to tell the stories. The answer is extremely. I appreciate someone who's been there sharing some knowledge cause in a time of 58% divorce rates (may be higher these days) we need all the help we can get. *rant over*

Anywho... the "message" was how we can make things better for ourselves... by changing our order: 1. God; 2. Family; 3. Education; 4. Career. Saying if we start to get our priorities right all things will begin to transcend... he went on to say that we are always mixing up our order which is what sets us back individually with our different trials and tribulations.

When someone leaned over to kiss me on the cheek during that message is when I realized, he knew too that our order was merging. I am loving the order of things... it feels great to say I am happy while staring in another person's eyes... and mean it. I couldn't always do that. It feels great to have a tiff and instead of looking for the first bail out plan or thinking about the green grass elsewhere I want to tend to my own lawn. It's great to be in a place where all parties involved understand it's the work of everyone on the team that wins championships. I am loving the order of things. To sit down and study the Bible with my mate is something so foreign to me... I wouldn't have IMAGINED doing that just a few short years ago... it's the order of things..

My career, while sometimes on my nerves, is fulfilling to me. My education is solid... it's the order of things. I want to keep.this.feeling.... this.order. Trying to do right, isn't as hard as we make it out to be when we know the proper order of things.

I know I haven't always made the best decisions in my 30 years on this planet, nor always did what I was supposed to do, and I am sure I will screw up from time to time, but it truly feels like all is (becoming) right now. Things are molding just because I've realized what's important and solidified that order. It's never easy or given to us without work and sweat, but it CAN be ours if we just take the time.

I can only pray, He continues to walk along side this blessing... cause the devil stays busy. Thank God for order.

Let's get in order, ya'll.

art source: http://www.amazeartgallery.com

I'm All In...

photo courtesy of photos.tobinhosting.com/d/4682-2/aag.jpg

Be Congruent. B-E Congruent.

"They won't do it unless you ask... but you have to say what you mean in such a way that it's a congruent message that is in line with what you want to obtain. If your message is one thing and what they're (reading) is something all together different. They are more likely to believe what is in front of their face. You've got to send a congruent message with what you say and what you physically give the (reader)." ~ My Boss

I've been doing a lot of talking about focus lately. And I've been doing a lot of thinking to get focused. Show focus and Be.Focused.

My job entails a lot of talking... I speak practically everyday to Chicago youth about life after high school choices. I am talking a lot in my relationship, communicating so much better than I ever have before and loving every minute of it. But I'm doing all this talking but must remember to send congruent messages with my actions.

Sometimes, however, I miss the mark. A personal flaw (of very few lol) that I am aware of and trying to manage. You see, all this time, I've thought of my blog as my own personal online Eric Jerome Dickey novel. You guys know of Mr. Dickey? His novels are awesomely constructed of sex, lies, drama, laughs and tears sprinkled with little parts of his real life as something to fall back on. It's why we readers adore him. Every page is so real and human like... you can relate to to it.. sympathize with it or just listen.

Little known RBG fact? I've always wanted to be a playwright and writer... I've got stacks and stacks of old notebooks to prove it. Because in my former life I was to be a reporter slash poet slash author. I love to write: journaling or fiction.. poetry... it's all a reflection of me, but not ALL me. I say that to say that this blog (well really the one previous to it) serves as my little artistic outlet but sprinkles bits an pieces of my life throughout. Really... these are my thoughts. But not all of them... I leave a lot of stuff out for anonymity purposes. Ya'll know how I feel about putting people on blast.


Many of you who read my stuff (thank you) don't know me... but for my fans that know me for who I am, and NOT my alter ego, sometimes what I write here might be a bit much. Which is why I generally don't broadcast that I have a blog to my friends and family. Because more often than not it will cause a problem. And I don't ever want to bring ONLINE problems into my real, totally awesome life.

A little about that life?

I am in real love. Daily. If ever that is up for question because of the tone of my posts, speak to me directly. Many, if not ALL of my posts are generally based on a life I used to have moons ago, but somehow connect in a way to tell a (hopefully) riveting story and/or send a message. Who I am online, isn't exactly who I am when I am playing Do or Die Uno with my family, or having a cocktail over a boxing match. I am much more complex than the words I type... or perhaps my words are more complex than me. I am a simple girl with big dreams. A vivid imagination and a curiosity about life, love, and the pursuit of happiness that is my fairytale. And I express that... here.


In 2010, I am beginning to send congruent messages. I don't ever want someone close to me not knowing where they stand... I have to let my mouth be congruent with what they hear and what the actions they see.

"If I talk about how great it is.... I might jinx it." ~ RBG to Big Sis

I am not a superstitious person, I'll walk under a ladder... kick a black cat... open an umbrella indoors and shrug, but I have said the above quote SO many times. Why on earth do we I keep the great stuff to me and sometimes a selected person? I went through my personal journals... and every page, ya'll... EVERY PAGE was focused on the negative. What IS that? When I KNOW, speaking negativity breeds negativity? I don't want and/or need ANY trouble. I want to effectively get across my point without confusing/hurting anyone I love.

"Messages are conveyed in a wide range of ways, not just by our words. Any conflict between all these messages which are being conveyed simultaneously by different means will make it much more difficult to get your message across successfully. This becomes especially important if [crisis or controversy are involved]." ~KMG definition

I meant what I said about moving forward in 2010... I am literally and figuratively leaving the past behind me. Speaking positivity and enjoying my present. Congruency between life and this powerful pen of mine.

The Tale of My Two Cities...

Well, 2009 is a done deal. Full of it's ups and downs. Triumphs and down-right disasters of situations. But alas, here she is.

"I'm trying to have all truths and revelations REVEALED in 2010. So let's talk about it." ~CP
So, I am a bit delayed getting out my real 2009 introspection because the first two days of the New Year were spent relaxing, recovering and laughing. BUT ya'll know I couldn't NOT send one out. 2009 was an emotional roller coaster of a time for me but I still managed to come out on top. Tis the story of RBG... she survives.

My year in review held a lot of tears at the beginning and sprinkled in here and there. In February, I tried to move on from life as I knew it, even though an extremely painful transition, my alter ego wouldn't let me realize I was dealin with (or refusing to deal with) some serious shit. Even the sweetest distraction couldn't keep me from knowing that something was wrong because it also was filled with issues of a different kind. So the joy I thought was coming in the morning, never came. Or appeared falsely, depending how you interpret.

I've recently had the pleasure of enjoying meaningful conversations with CP. We've had the fortunate pleasure to make someone so special and we're trying to collectively make this the best family ever by strengthening our friendship and getting closer... So, when he said something along the lines of "all truths revealed" it made me think about an awful lot... I kept so many truths to myself in 2009 but toward the middle/later part of the year, I really started to hone in on what's important. What's necessary, what's not blah blah blah.

So let's reveal some truths... about self.

Once a boyfriend physically wrote (not typed or emailed) to me, "how can you expect so much from me, and give me so little in return?" I realize now, that this still holds true to me nearing 9 years later. He eventually left me and married another... also something (not) foreign to me... who he continues to be (somewhat) happily married to today. These kinds of questions and inquisitions can really make one wonder. When you think you're the greatest girlfriend, and people are affected, tremendously, by the negative things you do, it says something... sometimes. I may not always be the most giving of... things, but what I HAVE always given is unconditional love. I've loved several different men, who all in some shape or form hurt me. But I loved them anyway. OK, so sometimes I'm emotionally distant... and a little stubborn... and maaaybe a little selfish when it comes to SOME of my things I've worked hard for... sometimes...maybe. But I do a lot of good too.

BUT, I hear what he's saying.

Forever is a long time... and to be happily married (or in any kind of relationship or friendship) there needs to be a lot of FOCUS... GIVE and TAKE... COMMUNICATION... PASSION... WORK... AND MORE FOCUS. With that being said, in order to PREPARE myself for the solid effort of being successful in a marriage (assuming King finally finds Queen, of course) I need to pack up and leave this city... and move on to my next. The first city, the one in which I have been living, is the one in which I am leaving. The second city is the one I'm moving too...

My Beloved Mother came over to my home on New Year's Eve to help me prepare for our NYE Celebration. She's truly an extraordinary woman... she drives me crazy sometimes, but I wouldn't trade her for the world. She told me while washing my dishes (while we reminisced about my Daddy since his anniversary is approaching and singing Blues songs) of how she cried and cried when she turned 30... and my Daddy told her in only the way he can, to stop that crying because unless she wanted to DIE the only option is to get older and learn from life before it.

And then she told me: "But once I stopped crying, and faced the beauty of it, that's when life really got better for me. Things were really great."

It made me smile... I could only hope the same for me.

My first city, was occasionally filled with darkness and only glimpses of hope sprinkled throughout. I didn't capitalize on those glimpses, instead... I focused too much on the darkness, let that consume me until I was nothing that I recognized....

But oh, my second city, is my spring of hope. I have the tools to be more successful (in LIFE and LOVE) I just often don't use them. I have hope where I didn't before... I started realizing this in the last months of my lease in my 20s... I started to hone in on the positive and laugh at the adversity... cry less... figure out tactful exit strategies from heartbreak. I smile more now... I live... in the now. I express my feelings better and without trying... no superlatives or games...just me. I am a better woman than I once was... in my 30s, I will embrace her. I will learn from the woman who resided here before me. No more pressure of unknown things, only capitalizing on what I DO know... that I am a gifted entrepreneur, a forever blooming flower and a work in progress... progressing.

When King finally notices, his Queen will be ready... ready to build, ready to strive, ready to live, laugh and love. It will still take two, but I'm ready to do my part... 2010.... RBG is ready for you... bring it all to me, cause I know how to embrace me now, so embracing you will be as natural as whole grains...

Happy New Year, people... Let's show 20-10 what we can do...

~*RBG*~

"And I'm Still Alive!"

Just when I think we're taking two steps forward....you push us four steps back...

This has been my week of introspective conversations. I've had a 90-minute commute of a conversation with my brother (a married father of two) about relationships. And I stayed up till 3 a.m. going back down memory lane and having a heartfelt interpretation of our relationship history with CP.

I hate talking to BOTH of those guys cause they might be the only two people of the male persuasion who know me best. Always dissecting me, realizes the root of my question, issue, trouble... or we just kick a lot of science together.

The topic of the first conversation: does forever-type monogamy really exist?
The topic of the second conversation: does forever-type monogamy really exist... here

I found myself pondering this one morning after touching base with an old ex... a chocolate, funny, endearing brother with whom I once shared a magical time with. He lives in another space and time now... we both do. While he is practically perfect... tall, chocolate, muscular, handsome and sexy, branded with the right letter, beautiful smile, educated, well-off... he's never been a very committed man to his lady loves... including me. Though neither of us were ever exclusive with the other, but still... in the years I've known him, he's always been a, "I'll commit when I'm married kinda guy." Which would be fine, if his girlfriend at any given time knew he shared that philosophy.

I thought CP, who emotionally cheated on me SO much, that I now think perhaps it's OK to receive/send a flirty text at 2 a.m. or masturbate to a naughty picture of *insert what turns YOU on about an ex here*... I mean, so long as we don't physically touch, what's the problem, kinda logic... eeeeven though, I totally know what the problem with that is... my logic is now skewed. Cause I've been on the recipient end of inappropriate texts and emails from my exes and have seen the former women in his life send some of the naughtiest things... emotional masturbation ... and I wondered.... is there something to this "cheating" thing? Does that connection, even emotional, with someone keep you sane when shit in your relationship just gets too much to bear? (What about when you're emotionally cheating when your relationship is pretty damn GREAT... what would that mean??? What kind of person does that MAKE... you??) Is there a cut off? Can we just connect with someone on an emotional or spiritual level and never sleep with them or get caught up in the moment? IS that possible of humans? I would like to think that even our self-control can only keep us in line for so long if we keep putting ourselves in a situation we would fail at.

Case in point: if I were a taken woman, spending time, even trading textual winks and the occasional conversation or picture mail, with Chocolate Ex would be problematic, because his smile makes me want to kiss him, his humor makes me want to laugh with him and his uh, memory makes me want to sit atop him, so I do best staying very fah away. And I do... but where relationships fail is that each person doesn't feel that way. He still chats...you still chat...planned outings with people...it's all just an unnecessary mess.

This is all to say, that this is my 2009 Year-in-Review... this joint is practically ovah. I'm in a totally different place than I was in January. Emotionally, financially, physically... totally. And I am totally, totally OK with that. I just don't give a fuck no more. I am never sure what the future holds and I often get scared shitless of it. When you get old, you die. But for now, I'm still alive... I've always envied people who can live without regret, but TRULY live up to their actions and enjoy every minute of it... why shouldn't we each be one of those people... so long as we're not putting ourselves in jeopardy (unless you like that sort of thing)

But now, by the Grace of God, through all the emotional bullshit, heartbreak and just plain, "why the fock would you DO that, dude?" I.am.still.ticking... so because of that... I am going to LIVE

...for as long as I can, man.

INTROSPECTION

"Commit the oldest sins, the newest kind of ways."
~ W. Shakespeare

I've not done much in life that I regret.... OK, not anything... but at times, lately, more often than not, I regret... that. I wish I'd stuck out my decision... not caved under hardship. Remembered why I made decisions I made and not allowed a sweet, innocent face to deter me. Because times change, people... generally don't. And this is as it will probably always be. I have been filled with SO many thoughts as these last months of 2009 linger and die...where the fock did this year go anyway? A year ago, I had a new outlook on life... and in the course of 12-months, I had a dream deferred, a job that told me to go kick rocks and an altering of position that I never, ever expected.

30 seemed so far away 9 years ago... hell even 4 years ago at 25... and now here she is... standing along-side a practicing her lines 29, before the curtain comes up for her big show. Fidgeting with her nervous fingers and listening to Lauryn Hill bellow... "they got sooo much to say right now... they've got so much to say..." Wondering what she still has to prove... and who to. Wondering why life has played out this way. Why she's perfect for someone she can't have the way she wants him. Why she's not married. Wondering how she was so blessed to have a beautiful, healthy sun who accepts and doesn't care about any of her faults...to him, she is perfect and all he ever needs.

She paces behind that curtain, wondering if she's still got it... wondering if her voice is back and will it be heard.... scared this debut could go extremely well or fail in flames. The crowd is getting antsy.... but then she remembers... she's never looked better. She's blessed beyond measure... and sometimes you have to live for the moment. SO with that said, she stops being sooo apprehensive... starts knowing that even if this is her very last show.... it will be spectacular...

Because she has learned to seize the day.... live in this moment. For the first time in her life, she's headlining!

I may not always trust my first mind... and listen to my heart before my head... but it's gotten me into just as many great situations as it has "second-thoughts"....I was nervous about 30, but as it nears, I'm learning that my life IS dramatic, and full of ups and downs, but my successes and triumphs aren't to be discounted JUST because I am at times an emotional mess and unmarried.

30 is gonna have just as much good stuff... and it's nothing to be afraid of... time to perform!

"Live in de light!"
~ Fertile Ground

The student has now become the teacher.

I miss Janet.

But I loooove YouTube...

Impromptu Interview 2 today went amazingly well... numba 3 toma.

There will be some sanity soon... yes? :)

The rain is Lucifer himself. That is all. Makes ya wanna....