"Will thou, Unsuspecting Fool, have RBG to be thy wedded wife, to live together after God's ordinance, in the holy estate of matrimony? Will thou love her, comfort her, honor and keep her, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health; and forsaking all others keep thee only unto her, so long as ye both shall live?"Why Buy The Cow?
In the course of this Same (Last) Name Game we women play with our men we have to put aside a lot of brutal descriptions for what it is we do with our love and how we broadcast it. Of course there's the age old "fornication" from the good book, but there's also "slang" ones like "living in sin" or the aforementioned blog title analogy, "Why buy the cow (wife) when you can get the milk (sex or all the benefits of a live-in wife) for free?"
When a woman decides to live with her mate, instead of, or prior to, getting married does she set herself up for failure? I've only lived with one man... ever... and just based on that experience, I think there might be some truth to this harsh but albeit real issue plaguing most couples. Back in the day, mothers were much better about saying to their daughters: "You should NOT live with a man before marriage. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" But along with so many other new age mentalities mom's are no longer schooling their daughters on the importance of not mixing the pleasures of life confusing them for your happily ever after. Now, I don't have a daughter but as I watch The Sun grow into a man, I'm going to be very specific on how he should conduct himself with young ladies when he's a man.
Case 1: Don't lead young ladies on. If you're not interested in her for-real, for-real don't get her hopes up at all, but most importantly, (case 2) never move in with your girlfriend. She should be your fiance and the wedding should be pretty damn close. Three-to-six months, tops. That way you have enough time to see if you would kill each other under the same roof and can bow out, if not, without costly divorce proceedings. What you save on splitting the bills you more than accumulate in confusion, set idealogies of how you should live or conduct yourself when living with someone, and hurt feelings when the years keep passing without so much as a real discussion on marriage and what it means to the both of you and the future that is your relationship.
One of my closest friends has been with her boyfriend about seven years... SEVEN years... they moved in together into a condo a few years back and are happy... But the condo is only in her name, to protect herself should the concept of marriage never develop into a reality. I think it's high time women (and men too) stop putting themselves in no-win situations. From a guy's perspective, that's a LOT of pressure on you once that woman's biological clock starts ticking and please don't already have a child with her, or she has a child that you're now the substitute father for... P-R-E-S-S-U-R-E...
And women we feel it from that aspect too...
B-A... B-Y, M-A... M-A!
Fantasia sang a whole song about it like it was a title of distinction when she first came on the scene and ladies ate it up like butter. But this term irks me to no end. Some years back, a little after the Sun was born, when we were out in public CP introduced me as his "baby mama" to some people. I was mortified. I could not believe that with all our history, and gifting with the greatest present THAT'S what I was ... reduced to. I realize I wasn't his WIFE at the time and so part of why it happened to begin with was partially my fault for putting myself in the predicament. But man, titles are a motherfucker... not "my girl," or "woman," or even my Government name, but Baby... Mama? Ultimately we talked about how it made me feel and we made amends over it and I haven't been called that since... to my face. lol
But why is this title so popular?
"You are getting older and contrary to what you may tell me, you definitely want to be someone's WIFE and NOT their baby's mother!!! Should I go on?"
My friend's words cut like a knife. When I told him I wanted an "honest" answer I expected he would sugar coat it some. But he didn't. And there was that term again. This description, I am realizing, haunts us single moms... and I think it's a bit unfair. No matter our stature, or how we conduct ourselves in public and society, if we're a never married, single mom, we're a Baby Mama. If you're divorced and single with a child, you're at least considered "the ex wife" but us never married ladies get a bad break. This Same (Last) Name Game is very tricky, and hurtful. It can defeat the feeble minded.
Luckily, you always got somebody like ME who will break it down for you and make you understand why YOUR name is powerful and how no matter how many last names your household has, it can be a house of Love and Respect... if you make it so. Granted, I still think it's a bad idea to live as a family, before God recognizes you as one... from experience. BUT those living as a family already surely aren't about to move out, so make of this what you will. *shrugs*
