This LIFE....is what you make it.

RBG Note: This is a blog originally started on March 21... and never finished or posted. It infuses stories from about 3 other unfinished pieces since then (see ya'll, I am often compelled to write, I just don't finish most of the time).

As I sat down at my uncle's 60th birthday celebration, Future by my side I smiled and began to think THIS is the year my life begins to change. For the better. I felt it then. I feel it today. Every day I'm smiling (with the exception of these last couple depressed weeks). I don't take the non-serious things as serious. I am finding fulfillment in everything around me and if there IS none, I'm deading the situation and placing myself in a better one. I am claiming the happiness I want and taking it for myself. Speaking up for it, fighting for it if I must. Showing the problems, the Devil, my adversity who's boss. I finally feel GROWN.

Don't get me wrong, I have always been full grown, but now that I understand how to BE grown, it's like the newest level of grown there is. And I adore it. While going to drop off my truck in the body shop a couple weeks back an old familiar tune played through my speakers. Oh how I miss Dave Hollister. His lil deep hood tunes that I couldn't really connect with so much then, I feel to my core now. I understand what he was singing about...

"Seeing you reminds me of, all the nights I useta beat it up...I would do it again, but I can't. See everything is different now, I done finally settled down.. I became a one-woman man." ~D. Hollister

There comes a time in every relationship where the people who comprise it want to do right and be right within that relationship........... right? I realize we have different experiences with every person... well I have finally accepted that now... after a conversation with my dear friend and Frat brother. We were talking about exes and I asked did he think it would be DIFFICULT to let go of an ex you had such an extensive of a history when you have such a positive future in your presence.

“That is what makes it difficult to completely release people you truly have loved because there is a small list of things that only that person can really do well for you no matter what anyone else does. And nobody on earth will ever understand it except you and that person…” ~Blue

I have spent my adult dating life trying to be everything for the man I'm with... and I realized today that's not gonna happen. I must accept that my Future is going to have memories of past... as am I... especially if there's a child involved but more so when you were in love.... like really in love... it may be harder to let go than we like to put on or admit. But I'm glad to be at D. Hollister status.... where a person can remind us of good times but we remember what we have at home... and how we want to build on that before we text back, flirt back, call or fuck.. when do we get to THAT level? What we gotta do to STAY there?

Cause um grown... I ain't letting NOBODY mess this life up. You either in it to win it or you gotta get gone too... by any means necessary...

"ANYBODY can get it... in.this.bitch!" LOL (Reference: I Wanna Work for Diddy)

*walks off singing* My life, my life, my life my life... in the sunshine!

#notsorandom

Friends Come.....

(REAL) friends don't go.

Over my lifetime, I've not lost too many people I considered REAL friends. And the few I have lost, I wondered what the underlying issue really was. At the end of 2009 I lost someone who'd I thought was a really good friend. We'll call her UV (Ukrainian Village). We had really become close through my BFF when we all worked at the newspaper in college. I was her boss our senior year and from there we just kinda blossomed... 9 years later she was helping me move my sun and I into our house. I had NO idea that two months later when she lost her job our "friendship" would go somewhere it couldn't come back from. We remained Facebook friends for several months after she cursed and cried into the phone at me... but when we were supposed to bring it back to center and that never happened... I finally just had to cut her loose.

Recently, I've had to do this again. And while it's painful. I'd rather have people in my life who can talk to me about ANYTHING even if it's something that may hurt my feelings than have you filter or shelter your feelings around and/or about me. I'm a Capricorn and therefore a pretty shoot from the hip individual. Everything I say you're probably not gonna like. There WILL be situations I could handle better. But at the end of the day, I'm a loyal and devout FRIEND... give it to you off my back or my last (so long as the boy is fed and clothed) kinda friend. And those are the same friends I seek. Granted, I'm not looking... but anyone who's in my life understands that EVEN if we do have a confrontation, or hell -- just a straight bitch fest -- tomorrow (or at least in a couple days) that shit is water under a damn bridge. We're gonna talk about it and move.the.eff.on.

The last thing I expect to do (or should have to do) is have to work real hard to get that friend to talk to me or hear me out. Cause I wouldn't do that to him/her. And I'm not gonna take our personal business to a third party and ESPECIALLY not a social network cause how disrespectful to you. But I supposed if you're a so-called friend, what do you care of how you handle it. *shrug*

I'm not perfect... I've never claimed to be... but I am 30-f*cking-1... and I just can't continue to try to make things WORK with people who claim to care for me... and be the only one. I wouldn't do it for my significant other... and I'm not gonna do it for you. I'm gonna handle things like an adult. I wish everyone who has ever entered my life and had to leave the very BEST. I mean that. Hell, I've even wished EXES (who didn't deserve it) well in life.. And I will miss (most of) them... but I can't continue to struggle. And I won't. If you can't fight for our friendship. Why should I?

In the meantime, I'm SO thankful to the people in my life who get me... know I'm here to want and hope for the absolute best for them and knowing that they have the same regard, and respect for me.

Not so random... but hopefully only the REALEST are left standing...