The Best I Eva Had

"U da fuckin best"

The Relationship Queen...

I must say that after processing all the emotion that has come with the last seven months, it's rather relieving to not be worried about the stress and problems of relationships.. my splits never really last long. My frat brother always jokes "So what's goin on? I kno you don't stay on the market long!" But hell, it's not as flattering a compliment if all men want to do is just DATE you. haha! But whatevs... so I had really, literally, been in a relationship since I was a teenager, engaged at 15 even!

The only and first intentional break was in 2004 right after breaking up with PPC... I needed to really re-assess myself. And it was fun and I enjoyed it. Sex with no strings attached, several dates a week, intellectual conversations with versatile minds... I had a ball.

So the breather has been nice... but I've found at my wiser age.. I don't have time to sleep with someone no strings attached... so I'm not gonna. And it really isn't my style anyway... plus I always only have one partner at a time, so that kinda takes the excitement out of the concept.

I learned exactly who I was in my time away and saw so many traits of myself that I wanted and needed to work on. And am proud to say I am working on them... we're all works in progress aftaall but it's important to work on self before throwin all that onto someone else's plate...

I am enjoying, finally finally, enjoying coming full center with my emotions. No anger. No sadness. No jealousy. No insecurity... just lil ol me, happy, vibrant, confident, not snippy nor attitudinal... talkin through things versus yelling, screaming, crying, giving up... yes...

Sometimes I remember the disappointment. I mean, several things didn't turn out the way I expected, thought or would have ever imagined they would... and I am sure He has more surprises in store... but I am trusting in Him... and gwan with the flow. I no longer need to jump in and out of relationships... on and off the market... gonna make it do what it do and be what it must... yoouuuu diiiig.

All the King's horses...

With the passing of Michael Jackson, one of the most wickedly awesome performers of my time... there came great realization that we are not immortal as we once knew we were when we were young, innocent children... when our sins belonged to our parents. I felt sorrow in my heart, like someone I knew -- like KNEW knew -- had passed on. And it concerned me that my youth... as I know it, is over. And death is inevitable and coming... and it will be a surprise.

But let me get it on track .... cause believe it or not, this is NOT to be a post about sadness and death. It is one about revelations and accepting the things we cannot change.

Thanks to Facebook and it's friend suggestions, I was reminded of a homegirl of mine who I lost in 2008... not to death, but to pride. Not my own for a change. I called and called to make amends for not being there when she needed me, but I guess she was done.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty together again.

I couldn't understand why, with someone I had such a history, she could just completely walk away from our friendship without so much as a discussion, a chance for apologies or looking back. The only thing I could assess was that my friendship with her had been a fluke. I mean, my "true" friends and I go through things, people get in their habits but we always come back to center. Something she and I had discussed we would always do.

Life changed for me in 2007, I had the most perfect (albeit very emotionally taxing) pregnancy and birth to my sun... I was emotionally drained by my significant other and the hormonal imbalance it brings. I lost myself in it all and had a hard time resurfacing. In the midst of it all, I lost her. I never thought I could e-v-e-r be that chick that would lose herself in a man that way... one who doesn't want to go out cause she just wants to be under him... afraid to go out of town because she doesn't know what he'll do or who he'll do it with while I'm gone (despite never having an inkling that he was a cheater).... it was just a weird time for me. BUT, when her birthday weekend came and went that was not my reason for not being able to hang out.. but I guess, my not being able to hang for whatever the reasons (I had a feverish baby, a high school reunion and a scheduled fight night all in one weekend) was the straw that broke the camel's back for my previous cancellations, missed call backs and life happenings? I may never get the answer to this question. But one thing rings true, something about me... something I did, altered our friendship for her. Maybe my credibility of a good friend was ruined.. perhaps I seemed dishonest. Perhaps she just didn't want to invest in me anymore. Perhaps...

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty together again.

I spoke to someone... an online friend of mine whom I never met but who knew exH.I.T. from his undergraduate days. And she approached me differently this time... in a "I know we're friends, but I have something to ask you... and I don't want you to get offended..."

I was originally worried... because I had no idea what this person whom I've never had an actual conversation with could "ask" me that I would be offended by... and then his name came up. Her claim was he contacted her (when he'd never really talked to her before) to ask her to "pray" for him and his Queen because they were going through some trouble. I was instantly irritated. Irritated because this woman didn't even know we were. But after that, and going to blogs and basically using an educated mind, she knew I musta been she. (Further, he knew I knew her because I found her through his page... so he knew she would take it back to me. I digress.) She expressed her concerns and then proceeded to enlighten me to some things. And all I can say is sometimes we create bigger problems than our original one by doing something we know we have no business.

*cut* I keep thinking to Kung Fu Panda when Master Shifu sent the palace goose Zeng to the prison to tell the guards to double the security to ensure Tai Lung wouldn't escape as Master Oogway predicted. And in doing so, he sent the feather that ultimately unlocked the villain and sent him on a destructive path right back to the palace to meet his fate with Po, The Dragon Warrior. *end scene*

This isn't the first time he'd approached someone for help with us. And almost every time that bothered someone came to me... like ummmm, why is he talking to me?

I may never have the answer to that question. But to all my friends I apologize. Never in a million years do I EVER want my friends so deep into my business. Hell, I barely tell my mama what's goin on in my relationship. I have a strict policy of what happens in house, stays in house and perform a united front in the public eye when necessary. So for those awkward inconveniences, I deeply apologize.

They tried to push him up
They tried to pull him up
They tried to patch him up
Couldn’t put him back together again.

We are all sent demons and angels. These people guide us through life; these vices help or hinder us at times. They can rear ugly heads in the midst of that oblivious kinda happy. That's what they do. Immediately after MJ sorrow stories, it was an instant jump into his past and the "demons" that haunted him, and what the real nature of his death could be etc. etc. There is hardly ever peace... sometimes even in death. The stories of the pedophile allegations that were settled out of court surfaced, questionable romances and parenting techniques... damn. Sometimes it's important to notice the ANGELS in our life... and focus on them vs. giving the demons any more power. We worry about sooo much other stuff vs. focusing on the GOOD. I am guilty of it too. Worrying all the time that the peace and happiness we witness can't be right... so we look for ways to ruin it. We try to conjure up ways to think how it can fail vs. saying, "you know what? he's with ME... he loves ME..." or "I can pass this test" or... "I am beautiful... no matter what he says" ... you get the point. We're defeated before we even fucking start! Amazing! How can we be our own worst enemy in times of triumph? Just clippin ourselves at the knees, when we were once on a throne, sitting on top of the world.

"And now I sing, sing, sing, sing cause I'm sittin on top of the world!" ~ T.I.

They tried to push him up
They tried to pull him up
They tried to patch him up
Couldn’t put him back together again.

R.I.P. Michel J. Jackson.