Asshole... in love.

Yesterday while browsing the web, I got an email from a familiar address. It was a name I hadn't thought about in a long time. Which made me go directly to the source: the blog. And I scrolled back in time to practically four years ago this time of year. I lived in Michigan, was single, ready to mingle, no Sun, my own place in Lake of the Woods, working for a University, happy wid all life afforded me... (fast forward to now and I find myself still all most of all those things, except my job location and living quarters have changed ... and of course, I am Mother to the The Sun).

In January of 2005... actually a bit before that, I started casually dating a male friend of mine who lived here back in Chicago, while I lived near Detroit. A great guy. Funny. Conscious. Sports-loving, a great kisser and just an all-around nice person. He would do anything for me, including celebrate my 25th birthday wid me, call to check on me long-distance when I was sickly, take the drive to visit me in the dead of a Midwest winter, worry all night when I had an accident that totaled my whip... from which, by the grace of Jah, I walked away from. He wanted, requested more of me... that I wasn't prepared to give him long distance... or possibly -- now that I think about it -- at all. But what I did do, was get with someone closer to me at the time who I was fallin head over heels for, who ultimately tried to break my heart. I say "tried" because I boned out before he had a chance. This was a pattern, generally, wid me... that I look over a seemingly great guy for some random, probably often terrible, reason to go on to a jerk who doesn't know when Queen sits before him. I admit it, I stand before my Creator ready for his tongue-lashing. And respect it, if I've already missed my husband. I am happy to say now, at least, that wid my sun as the guiding presence in my life, I make decisions in love now based on the reason and logic and not solely on the heart (cause she too emotional) and definitely not the frivolous or shallow.



After all, I was never really honest with that friend. And he's still my friend today... and I never really gave him the real reason... and he knows it. It was scattered through those hurt blogs from a lifetime ago... wondering what he did, why I didn't want him... I never told him because he is my friend and I didn't want to hurt his feelings anymore than I already had. I've broken three hearts (maybe four) in life (that I know about) and every time, I wish I could have done something differently.. but I can't regret the time, because I live widout regrets so long as I learned something from the lesson. It does not feel good to have a heart broken, I know first hand... and I apologize immensely to each of them for my bullshit then.

I think about the men I hurt a lot... wondering if I've tarnished them for their real queens or if their real queen was me... in their minds. I asked my friend if he thought he would get married. To which he replied: "Maybe 1 day.. It will take someone else special, though. My door is partially closed." To which, I felt like shit. I think about the men I hurt a lot... tossing him to the side because we lacked the chemistry in bed a spit-fire like me desires... versus possibly talking to him... seeing if we could find a middle ground. I'm creative, perhaps he woulda been too?

I think about the men I hurt a lot... wondering if he will ever own up to his own shit, and stop blaming me or accusing me of not being there... when I was there for ten months being supportive, loving and patient. But left when his inability to see what I was doing widout acknowledgment.

I think about the men I hurt a lot... who wanted me to "submit" to him but was not being the King a Queen should submit to. Short attention span to the Queen, workaholic, etc.

I think about the man I am hurting... a lot. It's not intentional, but I think we both know we are too combative... and there's no way to really compromise and be together, successfully, without one of us NOT being who we REALLY are. And that the concept of boyfriend irks me right now... I don't want to be an asshole no more... in love. I just want to maintain friendships wid these people I garnered so much respect for. You bring hours of great sex (or minutes of terrible sex, or less than average penis size) or love conversations, or rules and regulations into the mix and things.just.change. I'm tired of shit changing.

I apologize from the bottom of my heart to the men I've hurt... but I swear, I'm not gonna hurt anybody else, any more. I am done being an asshole... in love.