Monday, August 31, 2009
Friday, August 28, 2009
I got a the job!
Shaaa-na-naaa-nah... Sha-na-na-nanah!
Whew... after what might be the best week ever... in months... I find myself gainfully employed again with a company with growth opportunities and what could possibly be the best team ever. I hope it's as good as it makes me feel right now...
Paperwork Wednesday...
Start after Labor Day... I should start looking into day cares... yes.
But for now, I celebrate.
Cosmos with muh girls... it's a CELEBRATION!
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
I just want to...
run away.
I'm... exhausted... truly.
I'm feeling devious... like old, rambunctious RBG who didn't give a shit... didn't care about feelings and what not... where peaceful RBG go? Ohhhh there she is. Hiding. Sleeping... peacefully. Heffa.
I am starting to seriously dislike someone... who I -- if only for a minute -- thought I would love forever.
Thanks to the double Rs for at least keeping the smiles flowing... love those guys.
Had a job interview today... went well, not exactly what I wanna do, but something is better than returning to the drama... hopefully other hot leads will come. At this point, I just need to be anywhere... not because of finances, but because being a SAHM really brings perspective to the working girl....
p.s. I really wanna see Kindred in concert... they need better publicity. I am ALWAYS missing them. That is all.
I'm... exhausted... truly.
I'm feeling devious... like old, rambunctious RBG who didn't give a shit... didn't care about feelings and what not... where peaceful RBG go? Ohhhh there she is. Hiding. Sleeping... peacefully. Heffa.
I am starting to seriously dislike someone... who I -- if only for a minute -- thought I would love forever.
Thanks to the double Rs for at least keeping the smiles flowing... love those guys.
Had a job interview today... went well, not exactly what I wanna do, but something is better than returning to the drama... hopefully other hot leads will come. At this point, I just need to be anywhere... not because of finances, but because being a SAHM really brings perspective to the working girl....
p.s. I really wanna see Kindred in concert... they need better publicity. I am ALWAYS missing them. That is all.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Private Public Thoughts...
I'm a very private person.You prolly couldn't tell from all that I share via blogspot and Facebook statuses, but it's true. There's only so much I choose to share with you guys and my near 300 Facebook friends. Some of it is probably TMI... "RBG is constipated"... my blogs dissecting why relationships fail, etc., buuuut, there's still a limit. I keep my personal life very separate. So it's difficult for me when people bring something to me from the Internet of all places, asking me questions about certain situations that other people have put in their blog, or on their Facebook page, or in their Twitter update. Ugh. Social Networking indeed a bitter-sweet tool used by the masses.
Some people use their blogs as their creative outlet, their Facebook pages as their time to yell at their bosses for being idiots, cussin out their baby mama or daddy, men in general, life, tellin their friends how terrible their day is, how great it is etc. But at what point are we taking it too far and putting somebody out there that really just wants to be left alone?
Walking with my Sorors yesterday, one was telling me how her daughter's father had asked her to spend the night. (They aren't together.) I asked her what she was gonna say/do and she said she didn't know because while she wanted to entertain the idea, she didn't want to do it at his house because she didn't want people seeing her show up there after everything they'd seen them go through. "I don't want the shame" she said honestly between giggles.
I saw two long-time friends beef on Facebook. Facebook! Being rude to the other when the other was just expressing her hurt over actions in a anonymous way. It's real and it's deep out here.
What we don't realize is every time someone is in our business, they are judging us... maybe not rudely or out loud, but they are wondering. Putting our partners or spouses or even friends in hard places they can't bounce back from, or even if they could, they probably wouldn't want to. I always make sure to choose one confidant, besides the Almighty, to talk to in times of turmoil. I don't want to tell a LOT of people the score because who knows what might happen in the future. Avoiding that same shame. We all make choices in this life. Sometimes the wrong ones and we have to live with that.
This blog is a ramble, but the moral is: It sucks to be the topic of something you can't control. Almost like gossip. And generally I don't worry about gossip cause the person spreading it often doesn't know the whole story. The reason I would never make it as a memoir writer or have an auto-biography? Cause when people are done, they'll say something like, "well, that was vague as hell!" I like being on ya mind, but not every single detail of me. Like showing up to a seduction asshole naked.. where's the mystery? You don't have to divulge every detail of yourself or your loved ones to build a following, be the most popular negro on Facebook... if sharing/writing for release and clarity and not popularity, there are other ways to achieve it, without stepping on those who helped hold you up. Or the ones you claim to hold so dear to your heart.
I would never put MY ppl out there like that, especially people that I claim(ed) to love... but seems all is fair in love and social networking.
For shame.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Uncanny... Or God?
SO, I have been on this spiritual battlefield for a few months. I've picked up everything from The Qur’an, the King James version of The Bible, The New World Translation version, and a "Born Again" pamphlet I was given some years back off my bookshelf alone; I've Googled Buddism and African Methodist Episcopal, and even non denominational, lol... just all around random goodness.
Monday, I got a very looong message from someone studying a religion, but not yet baptized. In that email, there were a lot of accusations and just plain hurtful, accusatory words. While I don't hold that against the religion he studies... I did wonder what the hell is the point. A person of that same religion has been a royal pain in my ass for the last three years... a huge contradiction, an full of all the things her religion says no to... what's the point?
But I feel like there's a void.
Tuesday, I was invited to church by one of the biggest sinners I know. lol Telling me I need to get into a church home. What's the point?
Wednesday, IMing with my friend:
1:58:27 PM RBG: I think I need some more Jesus in my life, twin... but I am confused
1:59:15 PM L: about what?
1:59:42 PM L: don't be over there having 'like Mike' episodes, we don't have to be totally alike
2:00:05 PM RBG: me and organized religion don't really work out so well
2:00:17 PM RBG: trying to decide which is like choosing a job
2:00:25 PM L: so why choose?
2:00:35 PM RBG: *shrugs* aren't you supposed to?
2:00:42 PM L: I hope not
2:00:43 PM L: lol
2:00:54 PM RBG: lol
2:01:09 PM L: There are non denominational churches out there now
2:01:22 PM L: and I tried even w/the smaller church, it just wasn't me
2:02:05 PM RBG: a non denominational smaller church?
2:02:18 PM RBG: I've found non-denoms to be a lil bit too cultish
2:02:23 PM L: I think it was COGIC
2:02:40 PM L: the problem there was they just wanted everybody involved
2:02:49 PM L: and I like involvement in what I want
2:02:52 PM RBG: right
2:02:55 PM L: not chatty Cathy's in my business
2:02:55 PM RBG: don't pressure me
2:03:19 PM L: exactly
What's the point?
The point is, my own personal relationship with God aside (I've always been the person to say, it doesn't matter what your religion, but your personal relationship with God that will be the determining factor but let's face it) it lacks proper guidance. I currently TRY to pray all the time. Instead of JUST when I need something or when something goes wrong, but I'm noticing more and more prayers of convenience. I'm not sure if being honest about that is a strike for or against me... but it is the truth.
Thursday morning, a well-dressed young man and his adorable son (maybe 5 or 6 years old) came to my house to talk about what I think about people who say "everyone goes to Heaven." And I was stunned, cause I'm like hmmm... "I've never heard that everyone goes to heaven." So we talked scriptures and compared Bibles and he gave me a pamphlet. The title of that pamphlet?
"How Can You Choose a Good Religion?"
I was really blown away. So now I am reading it from cover to cover to see if it can offer some of the answers I seek.
Just out of curiosity... what is your religion? Were you born into it or did you choose it or both? Do you even believe you need religion? Why or why not? It's times like this when I really miss my strong following... hopefully there will be some hits because I would really like to know how people feel about this.
Monday, I got a very looong message from someone studying a religion, but not yet baptized. In that email, there were a lot of accusations and just plain hurtful, accusatory words. While I don't hold that against the religion he studies... I did wonder what the hell is the point. A person of that same religion has been a royal pain in my ass for the last three years... a huge contradiction, an full of all the things her religion says no to... what's the point?
But I feel like there's a void.
Tuesday, I was invited to church by one of the biggest sinners I know. lol Telling me I need to get into a church home. What's the point?
Wednesday, IMing with my friend:
1:58:27 PM RBG: I think I need some more Jesus in my life, twin... but I am confused
1:59:15 PM L: about what?
1:59:42 PM L: don't be over there having 'like Mike' episodes, we don't have to be totally alike
2:00:05 PM RBG: me and organized religion don't really work out so well
2:00:17 PM RBG: trying to decide which is like choosing a job
2:00:25 PM L: so why choose?
2:00:35 PM RBG: *shrugs* aren't you supposed to?
2:00:42 PM L: I hope not
2:00:43 PM L: lol
2:00:54 PM RBG: lol
2:01:09 PM L: There are non denominational churches out there now
2:01:22 PM L: and I tried even w/the smaller church, it just wasn't me
2:02:05 PM RBG: a non denominational smaller church?
2:02:18 PM RBG: I've found non-denoms to be a lil bit too cultish
2:02:23 PM L: I think it was COGIC
2:02:40 PM L: the problem there was they just wanted everybody involved
2:02:49 PM L: and I like involvement in what I want
2:02:52 PM RBG: right
2:02:55 PM L: not chatty Cathy's in my business
2:02:55 PM RBG: don't pressure me
2:03:19 PM L: exactly
What's the point?
The point is, my own personal relationship with God aside (I've always been the person to say, it doesn't matter what your religion, but your personal relationship with God that will be the determining factor but let's face it) it lacks proper guidance. I currently TRY to pray all the time. Instead of JUST when I need something or when something goes wrong, but I'm noticing more and more prayers of convenience. I'm not sure if being honest about that is a strike for or against me... but it is the truth.
Thursday morning, a well-dressed young man and his adorable son (maybe 5 or 6 years old) came to my house to talk about what I think about people who say "everyone goes to Heaven." And I was stunned, cause I'm like hmmm... "I've never heard that everyone goes to heaven." So we talked scriptures and compared Bibles and he gave me a pamphlet. The title of that pamphlet?
"How Can You Choose a Good Religion?"
I was really blown away. So now I am reading it from cover to cover to see if it can offer some of the answers I seek.
Just out of curiosity... what is your religion? Were you born into it or did you choose it or both? Do you even believe you need religion? Why or why not? It's times like this when I really miss my strong following... hopefully there will be some hits because I would really like to know how people feel about this.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Relapse...
And I get these panic attacks
Pop a Xanax, relax
I'm having a relapse.. cursing things
"who you calling a bitch" words flow from a pen
so mean..
writing red
on his head
Tired of the people who know me best
not noticing
or taking advantage
The one's who know me least
point fingers
deceased are feelings
complain and wine
I drink to numb the feeling that
love...
like hip hop
is dying
my seed deserves the best
yet life
every test
is a trick question
that breeds lessons
of how we rush into shit
that makes no sense
and then rethink it
when it's too late
indeed God is trying to tell me something
but I feel bad
going to Him when I've had
my last kick to the head
wrong to go when life is beating you down
should be praising Him smile or frown
but I need...
need to know what to do...
organized religion
I envision
but simply.cannot
find my mission
life's
not
list'nin
the first third of my life is upon me
close
breathing on my ear
and I fear...
I've not accomplished what
I was set out to do
have you?
and how much fuckin time do we really have?
Pop a Xanax, relax
I'm having a relapse.. cursing things
"who you calling a bitch" words flow from a pen
so mean..
writing red
on his head
Tired of the people who know me best
not noticing
or taking advantage
The one's who know me least
point fingers
deceased are feelings
complain and wine
I drink to numb the feeling that
love...
like hip hop
is dying
my seed deserves the best
yet life
every test
is a trick question
that breeds lessons
of how we rush into shit
that makes no sense
and then rethink it
when it's too late
indeed God is trying to tell me something
but I feel bad
going to Him when I've had
my last kick to the head
wrong to go when life is beating you down
should be praising Him smile or frown
but I need...
need to know what to do...
organized religion
I envision
but simply.cannot
find my mission
life's
not
list'nin
the first third of my life is upon me
close
breathing on my ear
and I fear...
I've not accomplished what
I was set out to do
have you?
and how much fuckin time do we really have?
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
You Just Do You...
"I'ma do me!"
I'm tired blog world.
Life and times of RBG have been one for the record books in 2009.
Ups and downs, twists and turns, smiles and hollers and tears from the wind... just like a roller coaster.
An emotional roller coaster... man, I loved that song. It's a shame I can't listen to it now because I have bad memories of it. I'm kicking ass in the gym... which is nice, but I stay draggin. My house hasn't been RBG clean in months and people I love(d) keep contradicting themselves... it's all too much. I don't have the concentration to focus on studying for my certs... I don't have the desire to look for a (better) gig because I'm starting to doubt myself as a professional... starting to worry that I really don't work well for others.. can't keep my mouth shut.. always wanting to speak my mind... thinkin I kno what's best... OK, I usually do, but still.... *SIGH*
I'm tired. Starting to doubt the sanctity of marriage or hell monogamous relationships for that matter. Starting to wonder if I can do either or will ever be able to without wanting to slap the dog shit out of my partner. If I'll have any more children. Wondering if toddlers are really evil little adorable beings sent from the Planet Twubble. Just thinkin and wondering way too much, really. I am certain it has a lot to do with me turning 30 in January. Even though 30 is still young and I'm fairly vibrant, it's still associated with getting older... I... am getting... older... word??? And with old age comes death... and I don't want to die.... you know, like ... ever. lol
I always look at people sideways when they're like, "I ain't afraid to die!" or "I'm ready to meet Jesus." Ummmm well let me be the first real b*tch to say, I AM afraid; and I am sure he's very nice but I don't want to meet him anytime soon. Also something I wonder/worry about... so many religions to choose from... none that 100% satisfy me... it's annoying. I know I am capable of living right, doing right, being right but when will I be ready. Which on is right? If I choose this one and I get "there" and it's not the right choice then what?! I'm screwed. I was takin my aggression on on the treadmill (well still am) and several other endorphin-building activities, but then I hurt my knee which slowed me down some.
Speaking of running... I kinda wanna run away some days. Did I already say Icould use need a vacation?
With all that said, things are on the up and up.. lol And just like that, getting all that off my chest, I'm exhausted now. Yet, I can't go to sleep... *looks over at crazy toddler* is this justice?
I'm tired blog world.
Life and times of RBG have been one for the record books in 2009.
Ups and downs, twists and turns, smiles and hollers and tears from the wind... just like a roller coaster.
An emotional roller coaster... man, I loved that song. It's a shame I can't listen to it now because I have bad memories of it. I'm kicking ass in the gym... which is nice, but I stay draggin. My house hasn't been RBG clean in months and people I love(d) keep contradicting themselves... it's all too much. I don't have the concentration to focus on studying for my certs... I don't have the desire to look for a (better) gig because I'm starting to doubt myself as a professional... starting to worry that I really don't work well for others.. can't keep my mouth shut.. always wanting to speak my mind... thinkin I kno what's best... OK, I usually do, but still.... *SIGH*
I'm tired. Starting to doubt the sanctity of marriage or hell monogamous relationships for that matter. Starting to wonder if I can do either or will ever be able to without wanting to slap the dog shit out of my partner. If I'll have any more children. Wondering if toddlers are really evil little adorable beings sent from the Planet Twubble. Just thinkin and wondering way too much, really. I am certain it has a lot to do with me turning 30 in January. Even though 30 is still young and I'm fairly vibrant, it's still associated with getting older... I... am getting... older... word??? And with old age comes death... and I don't want to die.... you know, like ... ever. lol
I always look at people sideways when they're like, "I ain't afraid to die!" or "I'm ready to meet Jesus." Ummmm well let me be the first real b*tch to say, I AM afraid; and I am sure he's very nice but I don't want to meet him anytime soon. Also something I wonder/worry about... so many religions to choose from... none that 100% satisfy me... it's annoying. I know I am capable of living right, doing right, being right but when will I be ready. Which on is right? If I choose this one and I get "there" and it's not the right choice then what?! I'm screwed. I was takin my aggression on on the treadmill (well still am) and several other endorphin-building activities, but then I hurt my knee which slowed me down some.
Speaking of running... I kinda wanna run away some days. Did I already say I
With all that said, things are on the up and up.. lol And just like that, getting all that off my chest, I'm exhausted now. Yet, I can't go to sleep... *looks over at crazy toddler* is this justice?
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)