"RBG, you're the woman men wanna date.... not the one they end up marrying. You're beautiful and funny, and resolve conflict easily..... you're not a 'rah-rah' girl"
..... well, damn.
On Dating Your Future Husband
For just a moment on the night of March 26th... I thought I was getting engaged.
It was then and still remains the one problem with being in the head over heels and dating in love stage. When you know you're with your future, every romantic evening you wonder will that be the one. I've not been in love like this in quite some time. And I realize how much I missed it.
The last time I was in love *like this* I was 16.Not including my sun of course. I mean like love of a man... not of my blood. But I finally had to admit: I'm anxious. There. I said it.
And every milestone I wonder, why didn't it happen... then. Forget my uncle's big birthday bash -- the first large family event he escorted me to. Forget that our 2-year anniversary came and went. Forget my birthday, and random Hallmark holidays.... they came and went.
On The Exhaustion...
Honestly? I'm this.close to being exhausted of the marriage idea: when it's gonna happen, why hasn't it happened for me, blogging about marriage... but it's all I can think about. (Dramatic). But really... it's everywhere: in my mailbox, on Facebook, in my family, on TV, in every old acquaintance asking "so what's been new with you? Married? Kids?" *sigh* Even if I was trying NOT to think about it.. it's in my face.
Plus the holidays always bring about a flood of wedding engagements and 2010 and 2011's holidays were no different. Three ladies I know, two Sorors and a Friend/Colleague all were proposed to on New Year's Eve and Christmas, respectively. And recently one more Soror got engaged and another just announced she was married. One of the fiance's said: "I want you to be a bridesmaid... but I know you'll say 'no'." Damn right I will! I'm tired of being a bridesmaid or "single" guest at every wedding I attend! (Often times people don't even let me bring a guest... just cause I'm not married I gotta come stag? Word?!) I thought the biological clock ticked for CHILDREN... well, I have my one and he's quite enough. I guess (as God intended) marriage and children are a combo deal. I'm missing a piece and my now 31 year old heart and soul is starting to feel it.
engagement over anything... how/where it's done or what he slides on to the left ring finger all be damned, but it's really something to have that feeling... no pressure, no shot guns, just good ol fashioned, "I really don't think I can do this life shit well without YOU." Now THAT'S something.So when my friend who was so blunt to tell me I wasn't the 'rah-rah' girl asked: "Why don't you just propose to him?" I chuckled. After all... the whole reason behind a man proposing to a woman is because it's generally understood that women want to get married. Whereas men need some .... coaching.
When I was first proposed to I was 16 years old. And I don't mean on paper "Will You Marry Me" but he bought a ring, took me to a park and poured out his soul to me and then presented a cute little ring with a tiny diamond for which he spent the whole summer earning hundreds of dollars for. It was the most romantic thing I'd ever seen. I miss that feeling. Miss that want... I still have a poem about it. I cherished that ring for many years. It was the thought behind it, for me... It was simple.classic.elegant and represented a stage of life for us. Simply put: it was quite perfect for a 15 y/o boy to have picked out on his own.
But alas, engagements 1.5 / weddings 0 (the half really doesn't need a paragraph)
I know the history behind the Circle and it's symbolism as it pertains to marriage... I know why men get down on the left knee. But what does the diamond mean? Why is that lil thing so important?? You know the HISTORY of the diamond? A couple years back, a friend of mine got a ring for a Christmas present. A very pretty ring set in white gold with a pink stone and tiny diamond clusters. She's been waiting on her boyfriend to pop the question for a while... Seven yrs in fact. When she showed me the picture I was ecstatic. YAY! He proposed. "Girl, no. That is not an engagement ring."
*swamp sounds* "Well it certainly is pretty." I didn't understand. What was to stop that from being an engagement ring? If you really want to marry someone, but don't have the ends to purchase the ring (his excuse for why he hasn't done it) you want is it so wrong to be nontraditional with certain things? Get creative? What if you have a non-traditional girlfriend? Do you still try to traditionalize the moment or make it something special for the TWO of you. Who cares what society thinks!? ....sorry, tangent.
And this convo developed into something about what else... jewelry (for some reason people always equate wedding to jewelry *smh*) Ex.H.I.T. used to always say to me... "don't take all day to recognize Sunshine..." Now while that relationship was flawed beyond belief... didn't he have a point? I've heard that from various men.. men in my life who've married, men on radio programs, that they know exactly if they want to marry you or not... early! So what does that say about the very long relationships?
The point is.... Now that I am a little older (and exhausted) I am starting to understand that the ring.... well that's easiest part. I'm realizing a man could keep the ring, if only I knew he genuinely loved me so much he wanted to be with me forever, officially. Not with me and continually texting/tickling an ex, not with me but meeting up with random potty-mouth, non-elegant females when I'm not looking... not with me but getting aroused by other means. Just.me. And maybe I'm naive for thinking that's possible... but I don't feel like it. I still feel like it's possible. I feel like I'm there.... just need a lil nudge in the proper direction... perhaps. (The "he" in this example is general.)
Because I'm NOT a "rah-rah" girl...
I have no desire to call or message females and ask them what they're doing texting, sucking or fucking my man. I have no desire to act a fool in public. I have no desire to throw things and yell to resolve conflict. I just wanna be loved. And love in return. I want to be faithful and know he's being faithful to me. I don't wanna act out in spite because he can't get right. *cues TLC's "Creep"*So that leaves me in Limbo
I know you shouldn't measure success on marriage.... I was just granted quite a prestigious promotion at work, I have two guys who love me every day, solidly, I have a nice house, a truck and bills out the wazoo that I can pay.... most days lol... so why do I feel so incomplete? When life is going fairly well?
This is gonna be my last blog for a while... and my last on marriage as a single woman. Because at the end of the day, while I can't control it being all around me, I can at LEAST try to concentrate on other things... it's not like I ain't got shit goin on! I won't let the idea that I haven't been great enough consume me. Especially when so many non-great people marry every day. lol It's you; not me.
I simply have to remember that what is for me.... will be.
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