Do Over (2010 Wrap Up)

"Even though I was outta line, I miss you like all the time and if you don't wanna see me fine. A good girl's hard to find, so maybe in due time... Can I get a do, ooooover? Can I get a do, ooooover?"
~Ghostface Killah f. Raheem Devaughn

I've been on a bit of an extended break from work and I'm so excited about it. Last Tuesday afternoon at 5 p.m. I did the Robot right on out the door and will not return to the office until January 3 of the New Year.

Speaking of the New Year, it's always a time to clean out the old and bring in the new. So last weekend I began to empty my house of excess clutter starting with my home office. (I'd already taken every work giveaway and paraphernalia to the office the week prior.) You'd be surprised how much paper and sh*t you accumulate over two years time in a new house. Just starting with the home office, I've got a ways to go, but in that initial sweep I ran across an old journal of mine from 2007 and started skimming over it. I flipped from page to page of bad bad memories and depressing disposition. Instead of sulking there in those pages, brewing over the past I ripped them out, tore them into pieces, and threw them away right along with shredded bank statements and random magazines I never read. I kept only the first entry written 5 months after my sun was born. I share that here:

Nov. 12, 2007

My WORD was I depressing when I was pregnant! I just spent the last hour skimming through old entries... yuck! All the "woe is me, why can't (CP) love me the way I deserve to be loved" crap gave me a headache. For real. No wonder I stayed emotional and sh*t: worried about the wrong bull pooh. WOW! So um yeah, thankfully I was blessed with a healthy baby boy nearly five months ago despite the fact that I was too busy worried about his daddy during my pregnancy.

(Sun) is a wonderful baby. He truly lights up my life. He's adorable, he's happy, he's sweet and funny. Yes, funny! Can't speak a word yet but his sense of humor is already developed. I love him with every fiber of my being. He makes every day that I get up and pray to the Creator and go to work worth living. And when work is over I can't wait to get home to him.

Speaking of work, I currently have two jobs (kinda) at the moment. I am working to try to prove myself at better paying gig in my field to get hired on permanently. It's way out in Lincolnshire. When I initially interviewed he (male boss, yay!) said that it would be 2-3 weeks before they made a decision to hire me on or keep me as a consultant. This week marks the beginning of my fourth full week. So I plan to revisit our conversation to see where I stand because I have to let my other boss know something. Meanwhile, my mother is handling things for him in my absence. She's doing a great job too.

I am praying that everything will be as it should w/the better gig. I tried the Suzy Homemaker role, letting the man be the breadwinner but it's just not for me... right now. Perhaps one day it could be but right now I want the family and the career. And for the last month I've been able to do just that. The job (as per usual) comes with certain irritants but it's in my field, pays well and will afford me the things I'm trying to build towards and accomplish by 30. It's time to realize what's important... in life. Worrying about my mate, what he's doing and will I ever marry and sh*t like that does nothing but stagnate a person. And that's exactly what the devil wants to happen. He wants to sidetrack your progress

Well, I am DONE giving him that kinda power. Over me... over my life... anything! I am still working to keep my relationship solid. Still staying loyal and quite determined to make it work. But I know I am only one part of the equation. And that's the only part of the equation I can worry about and know for sure.

My baby is five months old in three days. What a blessing! Thank you, Jehovah for all you've allowed for me. I should be sleeping, but I was asleep pretty much all evening when I got home. I was exhausted! Didn't even cook or eat dinner...... "Tomorrow, tomorrow and tomorrow."

~ (RBG)

The New Year also brings about for most a great deal of introspection on life and all it's mishaps. How we want to rid ourselves of those mishaps in a new year... don't bring all that same drama or baggage with us. Start fresh. A "do over" of sorts. All in hopes that we won't be doing the same thing December next year. Reading that journal entry of how life has changed (and what has stayed the same) in the last 3 years really made me emotional. I'm really proud of where I am now, even though I have more debt accrued now than then. Even though I'm still not married with child. I can really appreciate where I am MENTALLY. Even though I still have my moments. I think as humans we all will have a bit of insecurity as a common trait. Some of you just do better at masking it to the world. But truly, I've grown so much as a WOMAN in that period of time. That I really would like to sit back and congratulate myself on that growth.

Because I truly reinvented... life. Myself. It's hard to believe that my 31st birthday is right around the corner. In a couple weeks in fact. And in my decision to begin to strip off my old personality and start really applying the new one, it brings great hope in knowing that if I am fortunate to see 2012, I WON'T BE doin the same ol wishin for a "do over" but embracing all the new blessings. Not that my old personality was bad... she rocks.. but there's just so much about her that could be better. Face it... so many things we can't redo... we can't go back and not have a child or choose to have one, we can't get a do over when someone close to us dies... but we can continue to do things, or redo things within ourselves until we get it right. We can continue to accentuate the positives and really hone in on the not-so positives.

I choose to do that...

I can't redo so many things... I just.can't. But I can act like tomorrow is a new day and continue the RIGHT way to do things. No matter what others are doing around me. Because (honesty moment) I can be very much an in SPITE girl. Do things because I'm hurt... or wronged.. or to let it be known I can do things too -- with NO hesitation, problem and just as much pleasure... when pushed.

That journal entry let me know how far I've come... as a mother, professionally (being in a career where, yes, I work hard to prove myself everyday but people NOTICE and want me to lead the teams that will make our field have the most impact) personally and in relationships. I'm happy. Very... even on days when I'm extremely irritated by, whatever, I can SMILE on the outside and in at how happy and blessed I am to be around the people that mean the most to me... and who love the hell... outta me. Face it... I got out of a relationship in which I felt like I wasn't always the most important and now reside in one where I feel I can talk to my mate about anything and even if he doesn't understand..... he'll TRY... because I'm number one... That means something.

EVERY New Year we'll talk about the next year "being different" or what we're gonna do.. I don't wanna do too much differently. I wanna strip off my old personality from a spiritual perspective, yes, but I also wanna continue these personal successes... move to the next levels.... director positions... marriage... continue raising that happy, FUNNY, sun... and all with the Creator by our side.... 2011... let's get it.

Happy New Year Faithful Readers.... do all you can... and be all you can in the newest year of our era.

*~RBG~*

Image Source: http://www.fortefoundation.org/images/content/pagebuilder/19251.jpg

The Same (Last) Name Game

"Will thou, Unsuspecting Fool, have RBG to be thy wedded wife, to live together after God's ordinance, in the holy estate of matrimony? Will thou love her, comfort her, honor and keep her, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health; and forsaking all others keep thee only unto her, so long as ye both shall live?"

Why Buy The Cow?
In the course of this Same (Last) Name Game we women play with our men we have to put aside a lot of brutal descriptions for what it is we do with our love and how we broadcast it. Of course there's the age old "fornication" from the good book, but there's also "slang" ones like "living in sin" or the aforementioned blog title analogy, "Why buy the cow (wife) when you can get the milk (sex or all the benefits of a live-in wife) for free?"

When a woman decides to live with her mate, instead of, or prior to, getting married does she set herself up for failure? I've only lived with one man... ever... and just based on that experience, I think there might be some truth to this harsh but albeit real issue plaguing most couples. Back in the day, mothers were much better about saying to their daughters: "You should NOT live with a man before marriage. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" But along with so many other new age mentalities mom's are no longer schooling their daughters on the importance of not mixing the pleasures of life confusing them for your happily ever after. Now, I don't have a daughter but as I watch The Sun grow into a man, I'm going to be very specific on how he should conduct himself with young ladies when he's a man.

Case 1: Don't lead young ladies on. If you're not interested in her for-real, for-real don't get her hopes up at all, but most importantly, (case 2) never move in with your girlfriend. She should be your fiance and the wedding should be pretty damn close. Three-to-six months, tops. That way you have enough time to see if you would kill each other under the same roof and can bow out, if not, without costly divorce proceedings. What you save on splitting the bills you more than accumulate in confusion, set idealogies of how you should live or conduct yourself when living with someone, and hurt feelings when the years keep passing without so much as a real discussion on marriage and what it means to the both of you and the future that is your relationship.

One of my closest friends has been with her boyfriend about seven years... SEVEN years... they moved in together into a condo a few years back and are happy... But the condo is only in her name, to protect herself should the concept of marriage never develop into a reality. I think it's high time women (and men too) stop putting themselves in no-win situations. From a guy's perspective, that's a LOT of pressure on you once that woman's biological clock starts ticking and please don't already have a child with her, or she has a child that you're now the substitute father for... P-R-E-S-S-U-R-E...

And women we feel it from that aspect too...

B-A... B-Y, M-A... M-A!
Fantasia sang a whole song about it like it was a title of distinction when she first came on the scene and ladies ate it up like butter. But this term irks me to no end. Some years back, a little after the Sun was born, when we were out in public CP introduced me as his "baby mama" to some people. I was mortified. I could not believe that with all our history, and gifting with the greatest present THAT'S what I was ... reduced to. I realize I wasn't his WIFE at the time and so part of why it happened to begin with was partially my fault for putting myself in the predicament. But man, titles are a motherfucker... not "my girl," or "woman," or even my Government name, but Baby... Mama? Ultimately we talked about how it made me feel and we made amends over it and I haven't been called that since... to my face. lol

But why is this title so popular?

"You are getting older and contrary to what you may tell me, you definitely want to be someone's WIFE and NOT their baby's mother!!! Should I go on?"

My friend's words cut like a knife. When I told him I wanted an "honest" answer I expected he would sugar coat it some. But he didn't. And there was that term again. This description, I am realizing, haunts us single moms... and I think it's a bit unfair. No matter our stature, or how we conduct ourselves in public and society, if we're a never married, single mom, we're a Baby Mama. If you're divorced and single with a child, you're at least considered "the ex wife" but us never married ladies get a bad break. This Same (Last) Name Game is very tricky, and hurtful. It can defeat the feeble minded.

Luckily, you always got somebody like ME who will break it down for you and make you understand why YOUR name is powerful and how no matter how many last names your household has, it can be a house of Love and Respect... if you make it so. Granted, I still think it's a bad idea to live as a family, before God recognizes you as one... from experience. BUT those living as a family already surely aren't about to move out, so make of this what you will. *shrugs*

Black Marriage Negotiations...