If I Could Rewind The Times...

I remember sitting in my dorm room when I received the call that my dad was experiencing some complications. I drove home that same night. Late. He'd went into a "standard procedure" to loosen a blockage in his legs that he'd mentioned to me over my winter break. He'd survived a triple bypass three years prior so it was to be a walk in the park. He was Superman. He never made it home from that procedure. Trips back and forth to the hospital... would end with me receiving a call while laying in my boyfriends bed in the wee hours of the morning... his chest where I would cry and talk about how I couldn't lose my daddy... where he tried best with two parents to tell me it would be OK. To this day, he tells me he feels bad that he didn't prepare me better. And to this day, I tell him he was supposed to try to make me believe.

I feel silly nine years later, after so many failed attempts to visit his grave, still mourning my dad. He was born today... and I haven't yet shed a tear like birthdays past. And that too, makes me feel silly. It's weird to lose a parent, yanno? A person who is your hero... you never know how to adapt to that. My mother didn't date/marry till 5 years after he died. And then married a man ... almost like him. (There's only one.)

I have been going through so much emotionally and haven't talked to anybody for very long about any of it.... for nine years... that same year I lost my dad, my first love/fiance and I broke up. The same one who's chest I cried on. Yes. A year after that he was engaged to be married and married a month later. Like it was nothing.

I finished school and six months after graduation I ran away moved to Michigan for man job thinking I'd found my Prince Charming. I was incredibly, incorrect. I stayed there for four years... two after my leaving PPC (pseudo prince charming). I spent those two years secretly wondering what would have happened with my first love had he just been a little more patient and honest. Which is why when I returned to the city it was only a few months before he called wanting to see me... I let him. I now know what would have happened... we would have dated in a non-marital union for near three years, conceived and birthed a sun and I would have left him because he was still the same patient, dishonest man.

I moved right back into love before I even had him off my couch. And not rebound shit... real love. Love you feel for someone because you sense they truly care about you... but true to form.. true to my nature, I didn't give myself that time. I didn't recognize the true damage that had been done because I am always so well put together. SO head strong... so strong-willed, so smart, so determined... never taking a time out for moi. And now I have exhausted her in love. To the point where I roll eyes to things that would normally make my heart melt.

To the point where I avoid calls because I don't feel like being bothered. But to someone who has shown me nothing but extreme love and respect. It's unfair really. To both of us. Him first, because he deserves someone who is just as lovey dovey as he.... and to me, because I feel robbed of my lovey dovey... something I once was so fluidly... for the wrong.fucking.people... and now it's too late. I need to stop running from the reality that I could use time to get it together. I didn't allow myself that much at all through my years here as an adult. I feel horrible. I don't know other ways to say it verbally... he so determined. Not realizing I SEE how great we are... but I don't want to damage anyone -- especially him -- the way I have been. So I am taking a step back... and praying to Jah he don't hate me for it. Pray to Jah that we'll come full circle like all things meant... but now is not time. RBG has some splaining to do... to herself.

If I could rewind the times, I would have told my Dad to get more than one opinion. I'da set "first love" free at the first discrepancy in our long-distance relationship... and things would be different. BUT if they were, I wouldn't have the greatest gift known to man.... I am FIRM believer in all things happening for reason... I rarely know the reason right away or soon after. But I am gonna get to the bottom... of me.