"Groundhog Day"

Am I experiencing my own personal "Groundhog Day?"

You've seen the movie, yes? Where Bill Murray relives the same day over and over and over again because there's something he's not seeing, saying, doing right? Then the day he gets it all figured out, he can move on to the next day that is his life?

I feel like that sometimes. OK, most of the time.

"A Job Ain't Nothing But Work"
In my professional career, I keep running into the same misunderstood scenario. I'm a Capricorn, so by nature, I am a perfectionist and hard worker. I am also my daddy's child, so by gene, I have this "fuck off" switch that auto triggers when my expertise, education, love, good sense are being tested.

I've run into my fair share of bosses. I was able to really learn something from a couple, but in general, it's been disappointment after disappointment with different contracts since I arrived to the Windy City. Back in 2007, I was released from a "really good corporate position" (oxymoron I know) before my 90 days because of reasons still unknown to me. It was then I thought that maybe it was female bosses and me that didn't really work out. I was emotional and newly pregnant then though... so I attributed a lot of whatever the misunderstanding was to that.

Just when I thought I was back in the saddle for real-life work experience again, at the beginning of 2008 finding a job at a fairly established non-profit organization; nine months later I was released from that supposedly due to the recession but a burning in my soul tells me it was because of managerial differences in approach more than anything.

I held my first job out of college for near four years before arriving here to a slew of positions. Some teaching a goo gob and other's a real waste of time, but a way to pay the bills. Now, with MORE bills, I am faced with the difficult question: Is it me?

"Still Hurts... Still Hurts. When it comes to love. I got a lot to learn."

I love Macy Gray... only she can bawl out the most sentimental words that shake me with that unmistakable raspy alto. In love, I haven't been very successful. So much in fact, I keep repeating the same mistake relationship after relationship.

I am a control freak. I want things how I want them on my own terms and how I expect them. I cringe when my overnight guests push the toothpaste from the top of the tube. I want to know all your business. I think there should be rules and regulations foreverything. At least I did... In the past six months, I've learned and embraced to fucking let go of the reigns. Be a bit more care-free in my approach. Not only is it less taxing on my emotional state, but I mean, is it really that.serious? I think that's a large part of the reason (one of my) current boss(es) hates my guts. "What's the big deal??" In hindsight... my most recent dynamic was who I have been to dynamics before it. Possessive, too rules oriented, too much pressure, just couldn't enjoy the good things/times/moments, dealing with insecurities, waiting on it to fail vs. fueling it to survive. In that, I saw what I had been to my Co-Parent. (Not saying he was a saint or didn't do anything wrong) but I lived first hand what that can do to something that was once so beautiful. Tire someone. Drain someone. Ruin "perfection."

I know I always joke about being a gypsy... use that as a way to describe myself. I don't retract that today... but I almost wish I were more gypsy... wish my parents named me "Meadow" and I didn't care about a thing but being happy and rocking out... rolling a fatty and living life without a care in the world. Of course, I cannot do that. But for the last six months, it's been excellent to take pieces of her where appropriate and just be... calm. I don't know what my next dynamic (read: relationship) will hold. But I know what it won't. It's been therapeutic to move forward past my own shit....

They say imitation is the truest form of flattery
Seeing my words and style, ways I do things and mannerisms scattered around the net is unnerving... it's nice to know I made an impact on a person(s) but man, I know I ain't trademarked jack but it would be nice to have a little accreditation for things blatantly stolen from me... it's like reliving my own shit all over again...

It wasn't as easy done as said, but I have changed my mindset... my needs and wants have changed. It's nice not to worry. Not to sit around angry or unhappy or sad about someone else's issues. So even though I AM looking forward to the future...

I am more anxious to WAKE.UP tomorrow and not relive the same damn things. Over and over again... forward!