INTROSPECTION

"Commit the oldest sins, the newest kind of ways."
~ W. Shakespeare

I've not done much in life that I regret.... OK, not anything... but at times, lately, more often than not, I regret... that. I wish I'd stuck out my decision... not caved under hardship. Remembered why I made decisions I made and not allowed a sweet, innocent face to deter me. Because times change, people... generally don't. And this is as it will probably always be. I have been filled with SO many thoughts as these last months of 2009 linger and die...where the fock did this year go anyway? A year ago, I had a new outlook on life... and in the course of 12-months, I had a dream deferred, a job that told me to go kick rocks and an altering of position that I never, ever expected.

30 seemed so far away 9 years ago... hell even 4 years ago at 25... and now here she is... standing along-side a practicing her lines 29, before the curtain comes up for her big show. Fidgeting with her nervous fingers and listening to Lauryn Hill bellow... "they got sooo much to say right now... they've got so much to say..." Wondering what she still has to prove... and who to. Wondering why life has played out this way. Why she's perfect for someone she can't have the way she wants him. Why she's not married. Wondering how she was so blessed to have a beautiful, healthy sun who accepts and doesn't care about any of her faults...to him, she is perfect and all he ever needs.

She paces behind that curtain, wondering if she's still got it... wondering if her voice is back and will it be heard.... scared this debut could go extremely well or fail in flames. The crowd is getting antsy.... but then she remembers... she's never looked better. She's blessed beyond measure... and sometimes you have to live for the moment. SO with that said, she stops being sooo apprehensive... starts knowing that even if this is her very last show.... it will be spectacular...

Because she has learned to seize the day.... live in this moment. For the first time in her life, she's headlining!

I may not always trust my first mind... and listen to my heart before my head... but it's gotten me into just as many great situations as it has "second-thoughts"....I was nervous about 30, but as it nears, I'm learning that my life IS dramatic, and full of ups and downs, but my successes and triumphs aren't to be discounted JUST because I am at times an emotional mess and unmarried.

30 is gonna have just as much good stuff... and it's nothing to be afraid of... time to perform!

"Live in de light!"
~ Fertile Ground