"She Got Daddy Issues"

Hello Blogworld!

I come to you in higher spirits than I expected to after the first wave (my morning cry). Today is my father's 65th birthday. He is no longer with us, but very much still alive in me. "You are truly Don's baby!" has been spat out of mouths of my relatives way more than I can count. Even though my father has been gone a decade now as of this past January, each year still feels like a new wound. This past January (during my birthday week, which is also when he died) when I was crying on my honey's shoulder, I confided in him that I almost felt crazy crying like a newborn 10 years later... he then told me I could be a 60 year old woman and still cry about losing my parent... it's a very traumatic experience. Especially the way in which it all happened -- which I will spare you guys for the sake of keeping readers. lol

But since January, I've been doing a lot of introspection about it all and what I've found makes me saddest, since I've had 10 years to really think about it: is that when he had to go, is when all things started to go south with the rest of the men in my life. Yes, when my daddy died, men (who entered my life, anyhow) forgot how to be MEN. They don't know how to wear the MANY hats it takes to be a good man, like he did. More than just being a provider... more than just unconditional love... more than just being "head" of house... It's like my daddy's presence kept them in line... kept them from being rude, dumb, disrespectful, unappreciative, disloyal, arrogant, selfish... heart breakers.

Heart Breaker! Dream Maker! Love Taker! Don't you mess around with me! ~ P. Benatar

Now, just bear with me now... I always hear of Daddy Issues in the sense of women who didn't have father figures to teach them right from wrong while growing up, so they latch on to men who are all wrong for them in efforts to fill that void (in a nutshell). My father was with me up until I was 20 years old, so you'd think I'd be solid...

So yesterday, I was sitting around thinking about the timeline of events... between my dad's death and the following summer I found out my "fiance" (who walked with me down the church aisle to view my dad's body) had had a summer romance with some short chick he told me was nothing... the next summer (after staying with him) he broke up with me while I was in Wisconsin working my internship at a large newspaper. Later that SAME summer, he met someone at a wedding and married her a year later (two years after my Daddy for those of you who may have gotten confused). During that same summer, I was broken up with via email, by a boy who I'd dated off and on in high school... not as traumatic since he was my fallback boyfriend. His family loooooved me, but I think the pressure started to get to him of when we would be man and wife. He would later marry the girl who he would visit when he told me he was visiting his "cousins" in St. Louis. He has no family in St. Louis. Well, he does now... in laws.

Since then... man who wanted me to "submit" without offering anything to the table... we weren't even DATING.. man who was emotionally spent and crazed and a hater, wishing nothing good to anyone, man who was too prideful to say we worked well and commit to me, and guy who could have been perfect if he stayed out of his own head... and those are only the honorable mentions...

It's true, I have my very own daddy issues...

They come in a plethora of criteria, it seems.

But I've figured out how to make this "issue" now work for me, and it only took me a decade. Since my dad isn't here any longer to check you about your hat at the dinner table, opening the car door, not acting like a complete monkey and I am truly Don's baby, I have to fill his void, for myself. Even if it means comparing every man one to my dad... not in the literal sense, but the emotional senses and the God-given senses. Do you make me a priority? Do you care about my feelings? Do you allow yourself to see a situation outside of yourself? And because I've raised these questions, and ones like it, I am really chopping away at people in my lives who just don't get it... or get me. I may be a 30-year old woman with Daddy Issues... but I'm just glad my daddy was around to give them to me... and for at least two times a year on days of his birth, or rest I can think clearly enough to clean house of those who don't mean me wellbest...

Thanks Daddy for the perspective... until we meet again!

image source: http://www.japanator.com/elephant/ul/10576-620x-b3351bcbaec0ac012f92a2c962ef0304.jpg