D - Don't think for a minute, I don't miss you... but I am tired of the holidays being bogged down with tears. What must I do, to feel the love during the holidays that I know you want for me? Do I need to get out of the house? Do I need my own new traditions? How do I go about getting them? Help me to know... because I know you don't want me down here sad.
E - Every man who's ever cared about me or I've cared about usually failed or was pushed to the side because I could not see God, you, in him. Is that healthy? If one who never had her father in her life seeks approval and love from men in place of it, is it so wrong to want to see traces of your dad in that man, if you were fortunate enough to know, live with, love and be loved by him?
P - Perhaps I AM quite disturbed. I never did finish therapy when you had to go thinking I had it all figured out and it was a waste of time. But, I just didn't need some stranger trying to assess our bond. Help me cope with death. Especially a stranger who still had both her parents. Perhaps my problem is I haven't met the ONE man who can be strong when necessary, cool all the time, sensitive and caring, hold his liquor, be FUNNY all the time without trying, never lame even when he says goofy things and never makes me roll my eyes at him. Perhaps... he don't exist. Perhaps it's me... Perhaps you should have left a girl a note coaxin me through all this crazy.
R - R. Senior... hurt me. More than any man has ever. To my core... twice. And I am hoping by saying it outloud I am allowed to properly heal and not ruin any more relationships from men who claim they want to love me... love me harder, right, longer, forever. I can count two with the seriousness... I am tired of breaking hearts. Tired of being suspect. Tired of not getting my shot at wife because I worry if he's genuine... legit... checking off his positives and negatives in a finely-crafted list.
E - Eight years ago, you were snatched too early... and now nearing nine years later, I mourn a little bit lighter... but I still mourn. How is it that I can not go to your grave for YEARS but cry over men who were only in my life for a season for much too long? That's disrespectful... and I apologize... to you.
S - Simple glances at your pictures have gotten me through this day as they have through many a holiday in 2,920 days. Still... I miss you like it's January 2000. When will it get better? Will it EVER get better?
S - Soooo, I need traditions. I will take you along for the ride as I teach my sun to love family and holidays and their parent as much as you instilled it in me.
E - Easily loveable am I. Even though I have some issues, you and Beloved made me know I am easy to love. I am a good person, and there are good things in store for me. Ya'll better be right, cause I believe you. :)
D - Donald... Daddy... I miss you.
Merry Christmas... cherish de time with your youth... it's necessary and mandatory. It may only be a moment in time for you but clearly, it sticks with them forever. Makes memories they'll cherish. Makes time you can never get back but only revisit in your head...
With that being said... we're finally gonna get out of the house.
Happy Holidays... from RBG.
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