The Sex Clouds of Judgment

Author's preface: this is not a suitable post for underageness...

Is your name Yemaja? Aw hell naw... it's got to be Oshun!

~Darius Lovehall "Love Jones"

I was thinking last night about how long it's been since I had sex... um, with another person... and it dawned on me, that I am a very sexual being... so it's weird how much cloudier my mind can become when not getting a little extra attention than when I am. It's weird because that's "bass ackwards" as my daddy would say.
Generally, sex clouds judgment making us less likely to make the best decision because of the sex. I am guilty of this once... many, many moons ago in my younger days staying in a relationship because the sex was maaaagnificent. Even though he was a jerk.

I commend people who wait till marriage to have sex and in many instances I have wondered what would my life be like if I were still a virgin... but since I'm not lol, let's address the topic at hand... granted I'm definitely not a slut. I've passed up more sex than a little bit and you'd seriously be surprised at how ridiculously low my number is (I don't believe one needs 30-40, hundreds of partners to "get good" just (like with anything) lots of practice). But I do believe sex to be one of the most beautiful acts that two people who love each other can do together to not only experience a euphoric state (orgasm) but create life.

In the same breath, it's pleasant to get to know someone without the pressure of sex interrupting the flow of things, but man... what about your needs?? I sound like a man, hunh? But let's be real, doesn't a romp in the bed kinda calm things down when things are too tense? too much?

"They should just bone and get that shit over with."
~Mike Lowry "Bad Boys"

A friend of mine is dating someone who she's known for a while but they have only been dating a month... STD tests check out, she already knows what he does in bed and is concerned that he hasn't yet made a move. They rolled around a little "by accident" the first night they reunited, but stopped abruptly in the middle because he felt weird just jumping right back in the sack like they'd never been apart. She hurt him in their previous dynamic. But she says the passion was there... but now since then he's not tried again and wants me in all my in-expertise, to try and decipher this Davinci Code. *throws up arms* lol

Not sure what to say... while sex isn't EVERYTHING, it certainly is something. A necessary something. Different strokes (pun intended) for different folks so frequency and intensity may vary but at some point it should be discussed what's really taking place. In the situation with my homegirl, I told her to wait it out some. It's only been a month, hornball! :)



We women think men want to screw all day, everyday... and in many cases we might be right. It's always flattering (in my opinion as usual) to have someone pawing at you than not... let's you know you're wanted, desired, needed... makes you feel sexy, seductive, special. I hope my homegirl and her man find a delicate balance as soon as possible.

Oshun... out.

What Do You Interpret It To Mean?

"The most terrible fight is not when there is one opinion against another, the most terrible is when two men say the same thing and fight about the interpretation and his interpretation involves a difference of quality."
~ Danish Philosopher Soren Kierkegaard

"Leave interpretation to us poets!"
~ RBG... Poetry Slam 1999

"Groundhog Day"

Am I experiencing my own personal "Groundhog Day?"

You've seen the movie, yes? Where Bill Murray relives the same day over and over and over again because there's something he's not seeing, saying, doing right? Then the day he gets it all figured out, he can move on to the next day that is his life?

I feel like that sometimes. OK, most of the time.

"A Job Ain't Nothing But Work"
In my professional career, I keep running into the same misunderstood scenario. I'm a Capricorn, so by nature, I am a perfectionist and hard worker. I am also my daddy's child, so by gene, I have this "fuck off" switch that auto triggers when my expertise, education, love, good sense are being tested.

I've run into my fair share of bosses. I was able to really learn something from a couple, but in general, it's been disappointment after disappointment with different contracts since I arrived to the Windy City. Back in 2007, I was released from a "really good corporate position" (oxymoron I know) before my 90 days because of reasons still unknown to me. It was then I thought that maybe it was female bosses and me that didn't really work out. I was emotional and newly pregnant then though... so I attributed a lot of whatever the misunderstanding was to that.

Just when I thought I was back in the saddle for real-life work experience again, at the beginning of 2008 finding a job at a fairly established non-profit organization; nine months later I was released from that supposedly due to the recession but a burning in my soul tells me it was because of managerial differences in approach more than anything.

I held my first job out of college for near four years before arriving here to a slew of positions. Some teaching a goo gob and other's a real waste of time, but a way to pay the bills. Now, with MORE bills, I am faced with the difficult question: Is it me?

"Still Hurts... Still Hurts. When it comes to love. I got a lot to learn."

I love Macy Gray... only she can bawl out the most sentimental words that shake me with that unmistakable raspy alto. In love, I haven't been very successful. So much in fact, I keep repeating the same mistake relationship after relationship.

I am a control freak. I want things how I want them on my own terms and how I expect them. I cringe when my overnight guests push the toothpaste from the top of the tube. I want to know all your business. I think there should be rules and regulations foreverything. At least I did... In the past six months, I've learned and embraced to fucking let go of the reigns. Be a bit more care-free in my approach. Not only is it less taxing on my emotional state, but I mean, is it really that.serious? I think that's a large part of the reason (one of my) current boss(es) hates my guts. "What's the big deal??" In hindsight... my most recent dynamic was who I have been to dynamics before it. Possessive, too rules oriented, too much pressure, just couldn't enjoy the good things/times/moments, dealing with insecurities, waiting on it to fail vs. fueling it to survive. In that, I saw what I had been to my Co-Parent. (Not saying he was a saint or didn't do anything wrong) but I lived first hand what that can do to something that was once so beautiful. Tire someone. Drain someone. Ruin "perfection."

I know I always joke about being a gypsy... use that as a way to describe myself. I don't retract that today... but I almost wish I were more gypsy... wish my parents named me "Meadow" and I didn't care about a thing but being happy and rocking out... rolling a fatty and living life without a care in the world. Of course, I cannot do that. But for the last six months, it's been excellent to take pieces of her where appropriate and just be... calm. I don't know what my next dynamic (read: relationship) will hold. But I know what it won't. It's been therapeutic to move forward past my own shit....

They say imitation is the truest form of flattery
Seeing my words and style, ways I do things and mannerisms scattered around the net is unnerving... it's nice to know I made an impact on a person(s) but man, I know I ain't trademarked jack but it would be nice to have a little accreditation for things blatantly stolen from me... it's like reliving my own shit all over again...

It wasn't as easy done as said, but I have changed my mindset... my needs and wants have changed. It's nice not to worry. Not to sit around angry or unhappy or sad about someone else's issues. So even though I AM looking forward to the future...

I am more anxious to WAKE.UP tomorrow and not relive the same damn things. Over and over again... forward!

Turning My House Into A Home

"I’m not meant to live alone, turn this house into a home. When I climb the stairs and turn the key... Oh, please be there, still in love... I said still in love... Still in love wiiiiith meee...yeah..."

~ Luther V. (R.I.P.)

"My back has been ashy for six months... it's one of the drawbacks of not living wid your mate... no one to rub on the aloe vera."

~RBG to homegirl Bee

So, I have inhabited my new home for six months on the 28th of this month. And it's so dope to me. A rare great find in a tiny little community. I've spruced it up something nice but there's more I want to do. By nature, I am a redecorate junkie. I am always tweaking something, changing a couch around or putting something in a new location but never real decoration. That stops now. I have finally asked myself: "What can I do to turn my house into a home?"

In normal dynamics, professionals are called in... contractors, plumbers, specialist in landscaping, construction or whatever. But your girl is young, fabulous and broke, so I am calling on the D.I.Y. (do it yourself queen) my "mom-in-law"... over the past 30-some odd years she has built china cabinets, bookshelves, kitchen supplies, shelving, reupholstered couches and re-did her floors. She is truly my handy inspiration. She is on vacation for two weeks but already knows to enjoy it thoroughly cause when she gets back, she, my sketches and I are gwan to work. I was gonna do it myself, but I can't afford costly mistakes. I had to bring in the big guns. Thankfully, everything I wanna do is cosmetic... I'm very, very excited.

In other but similar news...
This new, don't tell people details about my business thing is pretty cool and entertaining all at the same time. I mean, I am a blogger which pretty much means across the board you're an open book. If you don't have a blog strictly devoted to some topic (health and wellness, politics, relationships, design, your own business) most of us just ramble on and on about our lives and things that no one really cares about. But hopefully do it in an interesting way that will garner the attention of complete strangers. So it's easy for us to tell our whole life story when someone asks us a simple question. This has been my way all my life... I divulge all my information about my job, my spouse or whatever when there's a problem and rarely talk about the GOOD stuff. The truth was evident in my journals... I wrote when I was sad, when he was pissing me off. When I was miserable and unhappy. I never wrote about the good days. I am tryin this new thing I've branded: The Bare Necessity. Only what you really need to know and ONLY should be nosy enough to ask.

I am goign to continue living life as only an optimist should... both eyes forward only focusing on the positive because for the last six months, that is what kept me sane. And I loved every minute of it. Even when heartbreak and craziness tried to deter me, I was able to get right back on track and that was fun for me. As I move into this "new life" I have to keep Jah infront of me, a smile on my face, and positivity in my heart. And I will.

My house is great... my home will be better.