Imani

Recently, I have had to face all that was not right in my life. Why things happened the way they did... why I am not living my fairytale and most recently, trying to rectify wrongs caused by my behalf. I am not perfect... nor have I ever claimed to be. I cannot point the finger at anyone else for much of how the last couple years of my life played out... for I do believe everything happens for a reason... and every person serves a purpose... if only for a season.

The fact is, I did not take heed at many of the Creator's signs, lessons, prohibitions ... I witnessed myself transform into a different person for someone else. I could not part my lips and speak on stepping out on faith because I wasn't prepared to deal with what I had to tell him... what I wanted to tell him.... needed to tell him.

(Imani (Faith)
To believe with all our heart in our people, our parents, our teachers, our leaders and the righteousness and victory of our struggle.)

Then I felt respect and admiration from a friend whose feelings and words moved me in a way that I hadn't felt in so long. And it reignited me. Made me realize I was worthy, to be loved by a man who appreciated me and let me know that life is only what we make it and with whom. And I use today, the day of faith, to look forward with a different perspective. I miss my daddy, yes. But I still have my mother and we have grown so close. I have a sun, whose smile lights up my life. I have a sister, a niece and nephews who think I am sooo cool. And I know I am loveable... so my King is coming.

There are so many that I have learned from as I make mistakes in this life, trying to stake my claim in my next. I've been schooled about compassion, patience and opening my heart. I am grateful to those who taught me how to be understanding... and step out on faith and get myself together... and the lessons who have taught me that in order to properly be able to receive someone, the right way, is only when I have my shit together, myself together.

I have so many elders that I have listened to, taken lessons from through my nearing 29 years on this earth. I've looked up to them for their leadership and guidance, and I will take heed.

I'm going to lead by example for my seed... for since his birth he has taught me about my spirit and provided me with a loving template to show me that I can have a loving relationship with someone not based on confusing factors, sex, looks, money, stature, fame, or any of that bullshit.... but real, true, L-O-V-E.

As I continue to rebuild my family, my faith in FAMILY and us as a people overcoming the struggle grows stronger and my responsibilities to the people become more defined. I believe in my lifetime that we will see small victories that will eventually lead to the triumph over all that oppresses us (Obama, anyone?). I completely respect The Movement, but am grounded enough to respect reality and commitment to time and development of self to prosper and make change. Now if only I can get others to see that the self process is not only for ME, but for each of us. I thank the Creator daily on the paths I've crossed... even if those paths didn't lead to where I thought they might.

I draw heavily on the principle Imani to live, let go, and let God in the hustle and bustle of life, relationships and all its various journeys.

Peace be unto each of us... let's stake claim of our destiny in 2009 and every year hereafter... let nothing, or no one, hold you back. Fate is real.

Now, who wants to party and welcome the New Year with open arms? :)

My Horoscope Today...

It's the perfect time, of course, to reflect on the past 12 months. Don't let a few perceived missteps put you in a gloomy mood.

Kuumba

I always consider myself an out of the box thinker... I like my creative side. I've even created cyber aliases that depict me as Kuumba (creativity). I like doing different and creative things making people know that I am one of a kind. I take time to invest myself in projects (care packages, thank you cards, letters, poems, spoken word etc.) but I have not been putting as much time into it as I should.

I just sent a good friend of mine a package overseas... I think he will like it. I hope so... I put a lot of thought into it.

In the spirit of Kuumba (using creativity to leave our community more beautiful and beneficial than we inherited it), I will rededicate myself to my crafts. Resurrecting my blog was a big step. It's more than bringing beautiful children in this world... especially if you can't afford them and/or don't plan to raise them right... it's about planting the SEEDS that will grow into beautiful doctors, lawyers, scientists, (wo)men of God, architects and neighbors.

As for me, I pledge to represent self from this day forward as a woman of God, a sister of community service, a lady of soul, a provider and believer of family values and someone worthy of all blessings and wonderful things that life has to offer. I pledge to let my true spirit shine and live in the moments of light. Because I AM a woman worthy of all the respect and love and partnership that a black man can give me... when I am ready to receive it. I have right to do things in my own time... make sure I am making well thought-out decisions.

A wise man once told me: "In order to be of service and do all of the things you do for your immediate and extended family as well as yourself, one must have the eye and mind to expound on simple ideas in order to make them much greater. In order to have the flavor, soul and style that you have, you gotta have a rhythmic and original process of thought. You exemplify all that is sexy, flavorful and uniquely and undeniably Afrocentric."

SO that is how I will pledge Kuumba. By simply being who I am, no one else. Not tryin to please others by making decisions not my own. I can't be rushed. I can't be provoked. I can't be intimidated. Instead, I make use of my creative energies to build and maintain a strong and vibrant family and hopefully community of people around me who respect my decision making, my strength and me, 360..

I am glad I am me... and no one else.

Nia

Nia (Purpose)
To make our collective vocation the building and developing of our community in order to restore our people to their traditional greatness.

In 2005 I went on a "pilgrimage" to Washington D.C. to the Millions More Movement ... I need to remember why so many of us traveled so far to see, hear and experience what we waited so long and planned so intently for. Nia.

Since... what has happened in the black community as far as positive changes that were discussed that day so powerfully? Not much.

Millions of us had the same sense of purpose and duty enough to go to our nation's capitol and be a part of something greater than ourselves. We chose to become a part of a day that gave us a historical event of change that sparked millions of black minds to have purpose to gain better a better standard of life for our people. But how many of us have acted on our purposes discussed that day. I humble myself to admit that I have not... as much. And I just started proving my seriousness in March when I got my new job.

Though, that moment and experience changed my life. It took me a moment to act but I gained a renewed sense of purpose. I carried that back to my home and basked in those moments with others who attended and shared that excitement and newfound knowledge with those that could not. We felt like changed people with our torches re-lit, knowing if darkness fell on us as a people, those of us who got the knowledge could light the torches again... so we will no longer stumble and lose direction.

I hope we never lose our senses of passion and faith in the movement. It gave us purpose and continues to help us find what individual responsibilities we need to create and accomplish for the betterment of our people and in the name of the movement. With a new president elect getting inaugurated in a matter of weeks... I hope to finally see things we discussed then and since then finally, finally come to fruition.

Seeing the beautiful face of the man we're putting in the White House backed by his family values and down-to-earth nature, educated and full of change... I have nothing but hope for Nia.

If You Don't Know Me By Now...

"you will never, never, ever know me... Oooooh."

~ Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes

Ujamaa

I am supposed to be running my own business ... right now. But I am not... mostly because laze has a funny way of taking over situations that are pertinent and masking things that I probably should not have been directing so much energy to as important.

I pledge to fix that in 2009 and work only toward things that serve some sort of higher purpose and indeed building and positivity for the future, mine and that of my youth.

Perhaps the late Dr. Donda West had it right... bury yourself in the betterment, building and watering of your seed by making the most of your professional goals, family, personal growth and letting men fall where they may. If they fall...

Kanye West might be a spoiled brat, but he's a genius who knows the importance of family... and most importantly loved his mother unconditionally. I'll take that! :-)

Ujima

Since March, I have worked for a tutor/mentor organization that serves 7-12th grade at-risk youth. This is my first stint at trying to work for a non-profit and it truly fulfills me. Even on days where I am stressed beyond belief, just knowing that I am making an impact on my community makes it that much more tolerable.

We have a social responsibility, in my humble opinion, as Blacks to maintain our community. It is easy to sit by the wayside and complain about our youth, the crime, our politics, our PEOPLE as a whole, but it takes a lot more heart and consciousness to do something about it. Black studies professors, some politicians, non-profit organization CEOs, presidents and board members take the charge and hold the reigns tightly vowing for little to sometimes nothing wages to change the community. The time is always now to act... to make our brothers and sisters problems OUR problems. You don't have to be the org's CEO or even an EMPLOYEE to want to change the community around you, thereby changing the world our kids will grow up in. The more brains tryin to work through it, the sooner we get to the solution.

In a broader sense, a (wo)man is only as strong as the foundation he/she has built upon. How can we really provide for the community if you can not love and cater to your own blood, family, time, good true friendships? Collective work AND responsibility start at home. Remember that one can't TRULY represent The Movement without the love and support, the bond that comes from family. It's a collective circle that once made whole one can do all things in community and abound.

As you focus and strive this Kwanzaa season, when you are ready, it is time to volunteer to an organization helping a community you care about, want to build, want to change.

Kujichagulia

I am determined to get a daily agenda in order for self and sun...

I am always on a constant search for self-determination, so this is by far one of my favorite principles (and the most fun to say).

It is hard to define oneself in a day... it is a constant journey we need never forget or stray from the path. For once you truly find yourself it is a constant journey to keep her (or him) close. I always lose myself in my relationships. One who has truly found themselves wouldn't do this. You know who you are, you accept who you are and won't alter that for anyone...

But allow me to be clear. This means you are well-rounded. This means you are compromising. This means you are strong and smart enough to know that with unions come sacrifice and molding of clays and waxes that form one beautiful candle... if you are stubbornly set in your ways, and not the aforementioned you're probably hard to deal with and dealing with things by your own irresponsible, illogical and archaic rules... and that will fail too.

I speak for myself today... that I will find self, make a name for myself, define myself and continue to create for my child and I. He is my future.

Umoja

I pledge to Jah... to be a better person, inside and out. To begin to treat my body as the temple you designed it to be. I pledge to discuss my spirituality in a safe and guarded place. I pledge to pray daily, palms up to you and know your omnipotent power. I plan to love those closest to me as you love your children.

I pledge to The Sun, to be more understanding of your learning process and be patient with you as you grow to be the man your father couldn't be. I promise to instill the respect of Queens in you and show you that life IS sunflowers and rain dances. I pledge that you will be an extraordinary, strong individual with two parents, two homes and more than 10 hearts who love you so much, they'd LIVE and LOVE for you, or die trying.

I pledge to my future King all the respect and actions befitting a Queen. to a union that houses life and gives birth to our foundation to put Jah first and know that He is most high and head of household.

This symbolic day is to be used to pledge unity and love to our families, friends, communities and loved ones. So I pledge my unity to you, my secret king. I pray that our union, hidden in all it's glory, grows leaps and bounds through time and inspires our children to to cultivate bonds rich in blackness, wisdom, understanding, equality and freedom under the watchful eyes of our Creator.

In the spirit of Umoja, the first day of Kwanzaa, I prepare to unify Self so that I can be all I am required to be of the Man and people who need me most to be loyal, honest and trustworthy... strong daily, vulnerable when necessary, and spiritually ME all day long.

D-E-P-R-E-S-S-E-D

D - Don't think for a minute, I don't miss you... but I am tired of the holidays being bogged down with tears. What must I do, to feel the love during the holidays that I know you want for me? Do I need to get out of the house? Do I need my own new traditions? How do I go about getting them? Help me to know... because I know you don't want me down here sad.

E - Every man who's ever cared about me or I've cared about usually failed or was pushed to the side because I could not see God, you, in him. Is that healthy? If one who never had her father in her life seeks approval and love from men in place of it, is it so wrong to want to see traces of your dad in that man, if you were fortunate enough to know, live with, love and be loved by him?

P - Perhaps I AM quite disturbed. I never did finish therapy when you had to go thinking I had it all figured out and it was a waste of time. But, I just didn't need some stranger trying to assess our bond. Help me cope with death. Especially a stranger who still had both her parents. Perhaps my problem is I haven't met the ONE man who can be strong when necessary, cool all the time, sensitive and caring, hold his liquor, be FUNNY all the time without trying, never lame even when he says goofy things and never makes me roll my eyes at him. Perhaps... he don't exist. Perhaps it's me... Perhaps you should have left a girl a note coaxin me through all this crazy.

R - R. Senior... hurt me. More than any man has ever. To my core... twice. And I am hoping by saying it outloud I am allowed to properly heal and not ruin any more relationships from men who claim they want to love me... love me harder, right, longer, forever. I can count two with the seriousness... I am tired of breaking hearts. Tired of being suspect. Tired of not getting my shot at wife because I worry if he's genuine... legit... checking off his positives and negatives in a finely-crafted list.

E - Eight years ago, you were snatched too early... and now nearing nine years later, I mourn a little bit lighter... but I still mourn. How is it that I can not go to your grave for YEARS but cry over men who were only in my life for a season for much too long? That's disrespectful... and I apologize... to you.

S - Simple glances at your pictures have gotten me through this day as they have through many a holiday in 2,920 days. Still... I miss you like it's January 2000. When will it get better? Will it EVER get better?

S - Soooo, I need traditions. I will take you along for the ride as I teach my sun to love family and holidays and their parent as much as you instilled it in me.

E - Easily loveable am I. Even though I have some issues, you and Beloved made me know I am easy to love. I am a good person, and there are good things in store for me. Ya'll better be right, cause I believe you. :)

D - Donald... Daddy... I miss you.

Merry Christmas... cherish de time with your youth... it's necessary and mandatory. It may only be a moment in time for you but clearly, it sticks with them forever. Makes memories they'll cherish. Makes time you can never get back but only revisit in your head...

With that being said... we're finally gonna get out of the house.

Happy Holidays... from RBG.

Restore.

So, here I sit watching my sun sleep (still working on that own bed thing, but let me go a few weeks without nursing first... Today marks week one: bay-bee steps for real) and wondering why the hell I am up... I woke up out of my sleep like I heard a gunshot, texting my dear friend in a foreign land where the sun is up and work days are just getting started where over here the moon sleeps. In a mere 10 days, we enter a new year of hope and change and (hopefully) prosperity.

With that being said... there are 22 days until my 29th birthday. I approach it cautiously as I think about what all it is I've done in 29 years on this earth. My first instinct was to note the negative... things I had NOT done by this time that I jus knew at 21 I would have done by now. And to be honest with you, I can only come up with two: by now I thought I would have been 1. married and 2. a homeowner. Out of a list of several, I am pleased to say that the fact that I haven't YET (cause I will at some point) done either of those things it does not discount what I HAVE accomplished. I can honestly say, I am unequivocally happy and blessed with all that life has afforded me.

I mean, I was blessed to be able to attend college nearly free of charge, graduated in four years. Got my first job 6 months out of college to begin my career. I pledged an organization I've loved for a long time, I've extensively traveled the country and (slightly) abroad. I've gotten an advance degree practically free of charge. I've been in the presence of some great people. I've met and cried with the late Gwendolyn Brooks. I've laughed with Maya Angelou. I've sat on the top step of the Lincoln Memorial. I've loved and lost. I gave natural birth do a beautiful, healthy baby boy. I own a nice vehicle. I have a great credit score. I pay my bills on time. I just moved into a a wonderful home. I nor my sun, need for anything. I have great friends. I'm smart. Not bad on the eyes. Well spoken. Well versed. Quite spiritual. Try to be a good person....

Why do we forget all the good when we look into the eyes of a person who we don't feel is on our level, but somehow managed to steal our lover, get the promotion we were vying for, get married before we do, purchase a home before us... why do we discount all our good shit at the mere thought of someone else?

I vow today to never forget why I am so fricking awesome. And that's not being cocky... just sayin, I'm not half bad and I should always remember that. No man, no job, no person (other than the Creator and my child) should have to help me remember that.

I am gonna restore myself in 2009... remember the girl I used to be, the woman I've become and embrace life and the new things that it's offering me. I am going to stop living in the past. I am going to stop wondering what if and just act... and maybe what if will become "we did." I'm going to be happy and reflect it in everything I do. I am going to pray and meditate when negative thoughts try to fuck with my psyche. I am going to do and be better than what they think I am. I'm going to smile because I am blessed versus frown because you are an idiot. (Not YOU, dear reader... general you.)

I'm going to blog more.

I'm going to notice blessings and thank Jah for them. I am going to find a spiritual home. I am going to get healthier (again... and stay that way). I am going to get lifted.

All this falls under one New Year's "resolution": RESTORE. Me.

For shits and giggles... I am resurrecting this from the old RBG blog (man I miss that blog... boots to me for deleting it... I would have such a strong following by now. Restore.)

99 Things to Do In Life
Do this simple exercise with me to measure what you've done and what to do next. I'll put stars next to the one's I've done. (51/99 ~ not bad in 28 years... I'ma get started on most of the rest. A few I just have NO interest in doing like #77 and #99 lol)

1. Started my own blog*
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band* (Our first song was a not-so-great rendition of "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" ... I was a drummer.
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower*
6. Given more than you can afford to charity* (My sororal dues count too, I imagine.)
7. Been to Disneyland/world*
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo*
11. Bungee jumped*
12. Visited Paris (I will make this a two-fer when I go visit my best friend in London. Day trip to Paris, anyone?)
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea (This would be such a dangerous turnon.)
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch*
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning *
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty*
18. Grown your own vegetables*
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France (See 12)
20. Slept on an overnight train*
21. Had a pillow fight*
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill*
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping*
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse*
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset*
31. Hit a home run*
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors*
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language*
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied*
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke*
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal in a restaurant*
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight*
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted* (Caricature count?)
48. Gone deep sea fishing*
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris (#12)
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling*
52. Taken a walk in the rain*
53. Played in the mud*
54. Gone to a drive-in theater*
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business*
58. Taken a martial arts class*
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Gotten flowers for no reason*
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma*
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy*
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial*
71. Eaten caviar*
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square*
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job*
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London (#12)
77. Broken a bone (Don't wanna do this one in life... sorry)
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle*
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car*
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper*
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House*
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating*
88. Had chickenpox*
89. Saved someone’s life*
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous*
92. Joined a book club*
93. Lost a loved one*
94. Had a baby*
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone*
99. Been stung by a bee