Stubborn Is As Stubborn Does

So the weekend was ... enlightening to say the least.



More to come... just sayin hi.

Very funny, Jah.

a series of "funny" events written undoubtedly a tad confusing like the mind that composes it just try to follow along best you can.

SO, nobody can ever tell me again that G*d doesn't exist. Not only do we pretty much witness Him in everything we experience: our morning rise, the birds and flowers and sun that greets us, but we also see Him in everything we do. When we follow Him, live as He has set forth for us, I truly believe He blesses us beyond measure. A longtime-online friend of mine and I recently got back in touch. I am blessed to "know" several sistren thanks to the beauty of the World Wide Web. We initially met on a site that was helping us learn how to love and care for our tresses as Jehovah intended. And we would "run into" each other in various forums on health and wellness (did you workout today?, Weight Watchers and the like), parenting (trying to conceive, new moms etc.) It truly was a pleasing experience. Mrs. Delight (that's what we'll call her) was truly someone I envied. Not in the jealous, green-eyed monster kinda way, but this sista was just... awesome. She was a newlywed who'd just conceived her first child as a product of a procedure for someone who was having difficulty getting pregnant. She was just always a blessing to talk to. She and her husband had Jah first in their lives. And it was evident she was blessed just from how she spoke on the forums and blessed those around her.

It's no secret that I have always figured myself more spiritual than religious. In fact, even now after finally deciding on a religion, I still find myself still more spiritual than anything. I am not, nor will ever be one that condemns someone else for the God they serve, or if they don't believe in a God at all. Different strokes for different folks and when it's all said and done even though a majority (if not all) of religions believe that there is only one "correct" God, I think we're all secretly hoping that our God (by whichever name) has the winning hand... but I digress. Another blog for another day. Any who, this sista was definitely RELIGIOUS but not in that annoying way where she would hound you to do anything, pray for you off rip or anything weird like that. You just SAW it... in her spirit. And I loved how she presented herself, loved when she shared pics of her daughter and hubby, loved when she told stories of her weight loss, loved when she told stories of their first home. She just never appeared to be sad ... ever. Not saying that she was never sad or had problems, but if she did, she knew how to deal wid it sooo well. And I guess you could say, I looked up to her and admired her. So much to the point where I sorta, kinda a lil bit stalked her very old Fotki album as a way to find her. Sent her a message and now we're Facebook friends. lol We'd both sporadically been on the other outlets we'd stayed in touch via and now can stick close for as long as Facebook remains free and crack-like. I was happy to find that she and her hubby and their now TWO children were happy and still blessed. I just adore her. And I appreciate her for doing it right! I need those kinda presences in my life. Not that my friends suck or anything, but there's a reason I missed her yanno? And she still puts God first. There's gotta be something there, man. We can make any situation "work" and happy for those of us in it... if we follow the guidelines set out before us.

Don't Listen to What Ya Friends Say
SO, every time I type a blog I Google summa my thoughts and/or the title and see what imagery I can find that will correspond wid it. The above underline statement was gwan be a blog post in it's own, but then all these "funny" things started happening, and I decided to make just one long blog because they are all Jah-centered. (Me and my tangents... yikes!) This search, I typed in my title and a song by Fantasia came up. I like Fantasia, but I haven't really bought an album or dug her teaser song (the song they put on the radio to get you interested in buying the album) since the first one. So I have been out the loop, but she has a song called, "Bump What Ya Friends Say." Interestingly enough, what I was going to talk about that day. So I googled the lyrics and ultimately got the song and of course it's sung beautifully (how could it not be, her voice is amazing but whatevs). A nice little ballad about following your heart and don't listen to your friends/family.

So you gotta, you gotta follow your heart when it speaks
So bump what your friends say, yea
Cause they might lead you the wrong way
You know when you're in love.

I just thought this was funny because we always ask for advice from these mere mortals instead of asking the ones who we really need to listen to... like ourselves and more importantly, Jah.

This was brought on by one of my most favorite first cousins still hung up on an ex BOYFRIEND who committed the cardinal relationship sin: cheating. And I mean, hard core. When I went through my relationship downfall not cheating related my cousin had no mercy on my co-parent. When I was feeling sad or like "working it out" she told me to get over it... exercise my energy elsewhere etc. etc. Now that she and her ex are on the fritz she still continues to be friendly wid him (something she told me NOT to do and my situation wasn't nearly as drastic as hers ... in retrospect)... I still love her... she's only human. And it was my idea to take my problem to her versus the only being who really could answer the question for me.

SO, what you're saying is in one weekend... the same weekend... two people of my "past" want to talk to me... about you? There's some sort of revelations being passed out about clarity and having you first in our lives before we can build lives, friendships... families. You never make it very easy do ya?

Today I will sit in front of Co-Parent and for the first time in six months really address some things we never did for whatever reason. Bitterness... hurt... anger... whatever. Thursday I sat down wid the friend turned lover who was my rock during a difficult time, showing me all the qualities of a husband a queen deserves but our issues needed tending... It's uncanny that they both want to discuss in a matter of days. I thought I would come out tomorrow wid the clarity I needed but I am slowly learning that they will probably both give me much to think about. I, after all, am still thinking about my Thursday discussion. And I will have to take any and all questions and concerns to the Creator. No one else. If I am lucky, I will be able to salvage two friendships... in a single weekend

On my way to perform some community service... get out and enjoy the weather... embrace all things happily and see the world through a child's eyes today. It's fun.

I'll keep ya'll posted... as always.

But very funny, Jah. I get it. Hardy har har....

Weekend of Clarity and Closure

So, I had a damn near perfect weekend spending time wid my sun and nephew, while celebrating my homegirl's son's 6th bornday, in The Sunshine State. We had a great, fun time. A child trip definitely tires you out, but overall I really appreciated the time away... the palm trees, the sunshine, the newness of it all (I hadn't been to Florida in 20 years) and just seeing excitement and happiness in my children's faces because neither of them had ever been. It's definitely something I could see my family (as large as we are) doing in the future. We will definitely need a larger van though... so we can all ride together and therefore pay less money for tolls, gas, parking, enjoy the ride together etc. And if that means driving around in one of those ugly church vans so be it! lol Though I did see a black one while we were there that was uber sexy... somehow. I meditated/prayed every morning, took a dip in the pool, enjoyed a couple Red Stripes and some good pinot and dry red. I ate well, met Spiderman, sat in the sun... thought.

clo⋅sure

/ˈkloʊʒər/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [kloh-zher] noun, verb, -sured, -sur⋅ing. –noun

1. the act of closing; the state of being closed.
2. a bringing to an end; conclusion.
3. In Psychology, the tendency to see an entire figure even though the picture of it is incomplete, based primarily of the viewer's past experience.
   

clar⋅i⋅ty

/ˈklærɪti/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [klar-i-tee] –noun

1. clearness or lucidity as to perception or understanding; freedom from indistinctness or ambiguity.
2. the state or quality of being clear or transparent to the eye; pullucidity: the clarity of pure water.

I am going to need both clarity and closure after my thoughts and conclusions. Some things I am very clear about, some things need a bit more understanding. By close of Sunday, however, I will know just how I am proceeding. I am not wasting any more energy and time on things I cannot change. I've been spending time wid the Creator in his sanctuary before the trip and will continue wid that. Continue to listen to and learn from the people he speaks to/through while still building my relationship to Him. I feel anew, refreshed and for the first time, even with soo much on my mind, I feel like me again. In the midst of confusion and trying to right wrongs and make sense... not sad, not crying, not angry, not depressed, not crazed, not insecure, not anything... just me. And it feels so good to have her back.

Time Out... and not a moment too soon.

Meh can't wait for Jamaica!



Till then, Flawda will have to do. Free the people wid musak!

Will be on vacay for a few days, folks... *salute* It's been real.

It was all good just a week ago...

"It's crazy how things got so bad so fast... two months ago we was just celebratin."
--Co-Parent

It's almost rude to quote him in the context of this blog, but the uncanny of the deja vous is giving me weird sensations. And not the good kind that make me clutch pillows. For two months ago, WE were celebrating supposedly the first of many Valentine's Days. And I don't even celebrate Valentine's Day. But I did for him. When I first sat down to complete this entry, I was thinking that it's crazy how things can be so good and then shoot downhill like whoa....

But then, I really thought about it... there were underlying issues in both dynamics that had never been rectified or hell, even really discussed in the best manner and things just fall outta control when people stop caring, paying attention.... looking?

I was talking to The Prophet today, and we were vibing and conversing on how "what you see is what you get." And hardly ever do people in new dating situations let all their crazy be known right off rip. In a situation where I tried to be nothing but honest about everything me (good, bad or otherwise) it still came back around to bite me in the butt. What is it wid black relationships that seem so good for the other, failing?

Quick and brief this time... wid the emotions and the rain... I mostly need sleep... deep... sleep.

When Children Attach

I had the unfortunate displeasure of watching my sun not want to leave his father's embrace today. He wanted us to stand on his porch all together in the cold rain so long as it didn't mean he and I would get into the big thing and drive away, leaving his dad to go to work. Sitting in his arms, holding my hand, we walked to my whip. It was heart breaking. Co-Parent and I gave each other a weak smile as he loaded a pouting sun into his booster seat. I gave him the cinnamon bread I packed. Co-Parent and I debriefed for a couple minutes and then said our goodbyes.

The image of my child's face stayed embedded in my brain all day. Never did I think in a million years that a near 2 y/o would feel the disconnect between his parents and want to have them both to himself at the same time. In my final swoop, making quick moves as to make things better for him, I didn't think much how our actions would affect him. And that little adorable face always filled wid so much happiness pouting was enough to spark a million questions. Did we take the best course of action? Was there more we could have done? Blah blah blah...

Then I sat there and thought about how we adults can be so quick having beautiful, magnificent, brilliant children wid the wrong people... And how quickly we introduce our children to the person we think we're going to be wid forever. It's unfair to them... and us.

So then I picked up the phone to talk to my attached "adopted" son... and hear a voice I haven't heard in what feels like a looong time. In retrospect, it was prolly a bad idea.... but tis human nature to listen to our heart, instead of our first mind. Or our mind period for that matta. I wanted to ask him how school was and what he did on spring break.. but he was actually still in school when the rest of the kids were out. Suburban school. I asked about his brother and what he was doing to pass the time. Hoping they weren't fighting. Then he asked me, "Are you feeling better?" His question caught me off guard. I didn't want to respond that what his dad and I went through was may more than something I could feel better about, but I simply said, "I am much better talking to you."

This is why dating wid child can go belly up... tryin to decipher when something is real enough to bring someone around our children and when they get attached to someone temporarily in their lives, and more importantly, we get attached to their kids. I never understood how people "stay" somewhere for the children before but now I start to sympathize and wonder which situations are strong enough to stick out for the child's sake and work for, and at what point do we really take our children into main consideration. Parents have a lot more responsibility than I originally understood. Our moods, all of them, affect our children. And that effect could be damaging.

It was good to know he was happy and we talked for several minutes. I hope he enjoys his spring break... I do miss those crazy guys tho. Perhaps their mom and I can get the boys together this week. And as promised, I told The Sun he said hi. And this too, shall pass.

Things are building slowly in a new relationship, but make no mistake -- progress is being made. It's like that construction site you see each day. For months it's nothing but a pile of wood and a hole in the ground. Then suddenly, as if overnight, a building is standing there. Relationships can be like that. Right now there is only a barebones connection, but soon enough you will see how the two of you have the structure you need to create something unique and wonderful together.

Moods Change... People .... don't.

I expected sentimental days like this... playing summa my faves and wanted to share. Mostly, I was wondering while sipping the last of my vodka. (Svedka is not what's up, but it's now all gone... wasn't nothing but a swallow, stop gawking talkin bout, "B-but RBG... your diet!") The Sun shined way too brightly today... I was bout to leave him wid my mama... so I am kinda ehh, how would RBG say... in monotone today. No vibrant color like yellow... perhaps maroon.

Why'd you have to go crazy, Lauryn? Come back...



You and Maxwell... I hope his come back is not as equally crazy and peculiar...


Come back...

Just proves sometimes returning prematurely hurts more than helps. We'll be here when you're ready.... I cried lots to both of these songs... a different era of RBG. I've evolved so much since then, but I am still the same cry baby. The same chick that thinks Cosby Show and Love Jones and Love & Basketball endings happen in real life. The same loud talker. Same stubborn know-it-all. Same humble when I know I should be. (I have grown way more confident... a welcomed change from my teenage years... though ppl still thought I was beautiful. I digress... another blog. Another time.) I am the same sensitive, romantic girl who looks for her own version of perfection. Knows she deserves it. Wondering why things can never just be the way we see... "I know I'm imperfect and not without sin, but now that I'm older, all childish things end..."

... I'm smarter... wiser... but I have not changed. I was the same at 19. OK, I mighta been a TAD rowdier. I mighta busted anonymous folks in the mouf first, asked questions later... I mighta. But the core of me... is still RBG.

I should have been at an important event tonight. Instead, I'm sippin real slow, massaging my scalp.... listening to Neo-Soul songs on repeat. Waiting for the sun to set... so I can be ease.

Author's Edited to Add Note:At the end of "Tell Him," Lauryn says, "it'll be alright Z... it'll be alright Z!" I believe you, Lauryn. I believe you.

And Now For My Closing Remarks

"I don't scratch my head unless it itches and I don't dance unless I hear some music. I will not be intimidated. That's just the way it is."
~ Coach Herman Boone "Remember the Titans"

So it's been a crazy couple days. Love Lockdown over the weekend, my child keeps waking up at odd hours of the night, confused people keep vandalizing my blog, my desk looks like a tornado hit it, folks think they teaching me lessons via snarky blog posts... I mean, my Jah! What on erf did I do to warrant such lunacy?! lol I'm a very optimistic, turn the other cheek, severely conscious person and while that doesn't change today, people definitely been tryin to test me. The conclusion I've made is it boils down to unhappy folks trying to upset my Chi. Welp! It ain't gone happen. My Grams would say something like, "misery loves company." But I ain't never been miserable in my damn life. Maybe a lil stubborn at times... harsh wid the tone... a tomboy who walks extremely well in heels, but never miserable, pathetic or loser-like. "I'm a winner. I'm going to win."

But the fact is, I've wasted way too much inner-g on several issues that no longer require my attention. To be honest, they didn't really require my attention from jump, but I wouldn't be a real sassy Capricorn if I didn't at least get my point across. I wasn't in debates for nothing.

What DOES require my attention is my busy toddler, my wonderful home, getting my home office in order to get-get-get get busy (ya'll remember that?) and this workout that has me sore as all get out... damn you Chalene! *angry fist* After a brief morning meditation, because my child just doesn't sleep in even on spring break I realized even though I have absolutely no care in my mind to the ridiculousness... I am giving people too much of my time and thought process. Wondering why, who, what, when where, how. So I close out these crazy chapters wid these last two posts on the matters at hand. Even though the events fall directly in line wid what I do here... it don't get no realah than that, Black Girl. I am done aiding and abetting crazy people, tho. Hopefully she gets the message. I didn't mean it to get snippy, but man, ya'll should see how many times she replied on the wrong blog wid this nonsense and at strange hours of the morning when normal people are sleep or working the overnight shift. But hell, therapy ain't free and I caint continue to administer 1. widout a license but 2. widout gettin that money! I spoke to my brother (a cop) bout my concerns and he said that I am handling each situation marvelously (that's a given! :) ) because I didn't allow it to fester and I am the documentation queen. So there that is. Finito.

Moving on....

Sweaty locs love.
I need some frickin product that's gonna keep my locs maintained a lil longer. All this sweating has my babies already puffy again when I retwisted like a week ago. I don't want build up in em though, so not sure what plan of action to take. I'ma hafta figure it out tho, cause I went from working out none to five times a week and my hair is like naw, naw, naw HELL naw! We ain't on that RBG!

Gotta get some act eat right.
So, my workouts seem to finally be coming on point... I'm actually making it through the whole thing now lol but my eating is still draggin feet. I have all the ingredients but I'm just kinda eating all of them... lol, must get that together. Also, I realize the extra hunger is a direct product of the activity, but I have to start being accountable for exactly what goes in... my caloric intake and all that jazz. I will try, try, try my best to use Spark more often.

Really, gwan get stuff done today... for real
Once done posting here, I'm turning on tunes and cleaning, tossing, etc. Then I will put lil bit down for an early nap since he's been up since 5 a.m. (grr) and then do my workout and finish cleaning... hopefully I will completely exhaust myself today and then I can really, really REST uninterrupted this evening. Here's a'hopin. I'm sure there's something I'm forgetting... oh, I ain't get out the house all day yesterday EITHA... Rj and I are definitely experiencing some cabin fever. Seriously, seriously gonna get out today. I need to go to Tarje... ooh la la.

Defamation?

Why are you so lame, sis?

It's really not to be rude, but if you can't address me as a woman, putting your name or some other identifiable information, there's really nothing you can say to me that I will really listen to. The first time you stopped by being disrespectful, I posted and even replied in a respectful way... you keep at it. So now you wanna reach out. Your posts are all kind and caring now. Word? When just a few short weeks ago you tried to anonymously jump bad and be coy through posts you hid behind? Then he wasn't a bad guy, right? If I remember correctly, you missed his kiss or something like that... you were remembering the good times. But now, you want me to understand how horribly he treated you... Really? You are laughable, girl! It is seriously this kind of drama grown-ups just don't go through. I am an adult. I ask that you grow up... whoever you are. Part of me wants to help you, because you're clearly very hurt and were left messy from this ordeal or many ordeals. Whatever that ex, or several exes, did clearly has you traumatized. And as a mother (since you keep mentioning you are one) I find your actions deplorable. I don't sympathize nor have the time.

I haven't needed pretty words or bullshit in all this time living, and I certainly don't need them now. All the things you're saying would be better off left said to him or, better, a counselor. Further, if you're slandering his name and he knows who you are, I'd suggest he sue for defamation of character since you're claiming something pretty tough business. I may not like him very much right now, but he's still my brother. You get that? And I definitely don't want some creepy, anonymous... "woman" who speaks big and bad but would rather create fake blogs and names and/or hide behind them trying to give me advice on life, love, motherhood, or anything else. This is indeed my last transmission on the subject.

I ask you kindly, move on away from here.

Well connected to people in IT (to route where messages derive from) and Chicago PD (to arrest) and lawyers (to prosecute) and I've saved all your allegations in case he wants to proceed further. I see you're clearly battered, even when I can't SEE you.

I ask you kindly, move on away from here.

You clearly have several bones you want to pick wid him. He writes daily and surely has a lot to say to you.... ya'll talk. Don't bother talking to me. Perhaps he knows where to find you... or maybe can Google you, and "bring em out, bring em out!" It's hard to write when the Bic pen's in ya mouth.

Seriously, ma... stop stalkin blogs in the middle of the night. Specifically my blog... Or, stalk since you clearly enjoy a fantastic read, but don't bother talking to me, cause your words, testimonies, all that, don't faze me in any decisions I've made... in life. I know you saw my message to you... and my peoples messages to you, but you just browse over the lessons you really need to learn tho. Come at me like a woman and then maybe we can talk, till then you may as well be Charlie Brown's teacher.

I ask you kindly, move on away from here. Seriously. Give it a rest.

...

"Who you gonna believe, me or your lying eyes?"

~ Some man, surely.

My Star Player

I did the entire workout this morning after missing my workout yesterday... next week and weeks after, I commit to getting them all in. All five in succession with the plan. I had some Trinidadian food on Saturday meeting my Soror and her mom for a lunch invite ("anything to keep you in the now!") so I admit I ate my leftovers for breakfast... not only because they were delicious but because it gets them out the way. :)

I think my way to approach it today was the best... because I am admittedly out of shape, I did the first 25 minutes to my highest energy level making low-impact modifications where necessary and then took a short 2-3 minute break while drinking lots of water and then finished the last 20 minutes with the same intensity. It worked out. I still have to do the Ab Burner... but that'll be an after lunch deal. I meditated my way into sleep last night at 10 p.m. A long emotionally taxing weekend came to a close to sounds of the Serengeti and I woke up feeling a bit better, safer.

I love meditation. It is my time for a release, a relaxation, a prayer, a moment to regain clarity. It's a lot deeper than people give it credit. It's not a weird cult-like activity either. For me, it's no different than people who have alters in their home and pray to their God of choice. Use the chart below for a very brief visual of the act of meditation.


In other news, I am going to take the week (spring break) to start reading a book on time management... I am usually a pretty good judge of time and can multi-task very well. I am also rather organized but I have found, admittedly, in my mom time it's a little more difficult to completely 100% plan for two people. I need to refresher course and figure out a better plan of action to keep a decent home widout letting time wid my child and living my life fall by the wayside and keeing an extraordinary child widout letting my home fall by the wayside! :)

Since we got snow... again! I am gonna take the day to get a lot accomplished in the house. It's not supposed to warm back up till Wednesday, so thankfully I have a full cupboard/fridge and not many errands to make happen. So I can concentrate on getting home and heart in order, relax some, get some doc and dentist appts in on Wed and Thurs., Memorial, and gear up for Good Friday. I think in honor of 5 years after entering Zeta Land I will celebrate by hitting up some Chicago night life. We'll see which way the wind blows.

I am re-determined. I feel so silly for so many reasons but am using this as a real pause to the madness and getting my ish together for the unltimate good. I have a lot of positive things in my future... and I will no longer be deterred. As Katt would say, "get in tune with your mothef*ckin star player!"

Make this week a great one... you only get one life to live!

Sympathy

"The most unloving thing one can do is fire back at someone they claim to love wid angry words of emotion... just because he/she was hurting." ~ RBG

"You better watch who you beef wid."
~ Can-i-bus

I spoke of PPC yesterday... a man who appeared on paper to be my soul mate. You'd probably noticed, one thing I didn't do was bad mouth him... even though there left lots of room to do so. He was the first boyfriend of mine who was incredibly against a civil dissolution of love. I'd never experienced such anger and humiliation until I saw a bag of garbage thrown across the room just because I was ending our love affair, for just cause. I would experience it a couple times more since then... PPC bad mouthed me to our mutual friend, that I was disloyal and left when he needed me most. Luckily she knew the truth behind it all and knew if nothing else, I was the most loyal... we just weren't as compatible as I would have prayed. And while there was PLENTY I coulda went hard on him about, like real motherlovin problems... I never did. Even when he sent me a return mail (months later, I mailed to see how he was doing and to tell him I missed him and perhaps I could have handled things differently) with the most brutal attacks on my character I have ever read and heard... ever... about.me?

Then there was Blast, the one who put me on blast on his blog because I didn't really see room in my life for a long-distance relationship. He wasn't that bad in comparison... plus he did it in a discreet way where I was the only one who knew what the eff he was talking about. His opinion was that I was missing out on something without at least giving him a shot because of what had happened to me in the past wid LD relationships. He very well could have been right. But if don't nobody else know my mental... I do. And it's best I follow my first mind before I succumb to terms of endearment.

I read in a "friendly" letter yesterday, that someone dear to my heart didn't know whether " to hate (me) or feel sorry for (me)." I can't lie Blogsphere, it stung to hear someone I trusted and believed in, more than he originally believed in himself, to speak to me with a daggerous tongue. Knowing I don't viciously attack anyone... especially him. Knowing he continued a "relationship" for much too long wid someone who hurt him, emotionally attacked him and the foul shit he did in return... reading that let me know, as a best friend, I was not above the anger.

But I digress. He felt sorry for me because I didn't settle for a husband when one was looking me in the face. On a day/night (my father's born day) where every person who cared about me in my life was trying to keep me from being sad, thinking too much, being emotional, crying over my Daddy, reinstilling in me why they love me, because I love life... this friend was feeling sorry for and/or hating me. We already know it takes too much inner-g to hate someone, so I won't spend time on that one. But let's debrief about what is sympathy exactly?

sym⋅pa⋅thy

  /ˈsɪmpəθi/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [sim-puh-thee] noun, plural -thies, adjective –noun

harmony of or agreement in feeling, as between persons or on the part of one person with respect to another.

the harmony of feeling naturally existing between persons of like tastes or opinion or of congenial dispositions.

the fact or power of sharing the feelings of another, esp. in sorrow or trouble; fellow feeling, compassion, or commiseration.

sympathies, a. feelings or impulses of compassion. b. feelings of favor, support, or loyalty: It's hard to tell where your sympathies lie.

favorable or approving accord; favor or approval: He viewed the plan with sympathy and publicly backed it.

agreement, consonance, or accord.

Nice right? Only problem is, he doesn't sympathize he feels sorry.... for.me? That is not nice. Hate is definitely not nice. But I had to examine further. So he feels sorry for me because I thought to work on self before committing to someone. Is this how we weigh personal fulfillment? In the responsibility of another? Cause then how is it personal?

" But Gypsy woman as you approach 30 you will have to set down somewhere, as a mother of (The) wonderful Sun."

Sit down somewhere? As if I am out of control? Or reckless? Say word, friend? I am anything BUT. I've been a great mother to my Sun. A.fucking.great.one. For nearing three years this September. When he was conceived. I walked throughout my pregnancy and did yoga and water aerobics. I stopped drinking, smoking my occasional cigar or even being around second-hand smoke. I had him vaginally, and naturally, and it was the most beautiful moment I've ever experienced. I took him to the doctor on schedule, vaccinated on time, asked the doctors all kindsa "crazy new mom" questions to be on top of my game. Left unstable situations, despite the womanly fear to be alone, because I know what's best for him. I play wid him for at least two hours everyday and some days... hell, many days... are just about him. This life thing, now is just about him. To set(tle) down SOMEWHERE to me suggests settle down anywhere. And THAT my friend, is something the true Mother of the Sun, Dawta of Light, just will never do. Whether I am approaching 30 or 300.

I'm hurt, cause not only do I never attack my friend on what HE should work on, have, be doing at his older age (instead always focusing on what I can fix in self and only being supportive of my friend recognizing potential he failed to see) but it.really... sucks that in a land of so much opportunity, in two thousand and nine, for Pete's sake, a woman who actually leaves her house to physically GO to work for 40 hours a month and still makes more than the standard household income for a single mom (hey, I ain't rich, but TRUST I do aite! and only a few months young in this consulting thang) a woman who owns her own car, has her own home, a woman who pays her bills on time with astonishingly sexy credit score, a woman who raises her sun extremely well given the cards dealt, feeds him nutritious foods, who is conscious, healthy, caring, educated two times over, can be felt sorry for because she doesn't have a husband. Or isn't settling on one. This is bullshit.

And just because I am angry in return I still won't dagger my tongue. That friend was important to me. I truly love him. I still pray for him. But "drunk lips" don't lie... and I know now at least a piece of what he was really thinking when I was emotionally battling what to do about my husband in training. What that judgmental friend clearly will never understand is that it was a hard... extremely hard... decision to make. But I made it for the best interest of everyone. I suggest my old friend, and even my ex-husband in training, take a look at themselves before feeling sorry for me. Like I look at myself... widout ever having the disgusting gall to feel sorry for him.



"People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you will know exactly what to do."
~ Anonymous

If I Could Rewind The Times...

I remember sitting in my dorm room when I received the call that my dad was experiencing some complications. I drove home that same night. Late. He'd went into a "standard procedure" to loosen a blockage in his legs that he'd mentioned to me over my winter break. He'd survived a triple bypass three years prior so it was to be a walk in the park. He was Superman. He never made it home from that procedure. Trips back and forth to the hospital... would end with me receiving a call while laying in my boyfriends bed in the wee hours of the morning... his chest where I would cry and talk about how I couldn't lose my daddy... where he tried best with two parents to tell me it would be OK. To this day, he tells me he feels bad that he didn't prepare me better. And to this day, I tell him he was supposed to try to make me believe.

I feel silly nine years later, after so many failed attempts to visit his grave, still mourning my dad. He was born today... and I haven't yet shed a tear like birthdays past. And that too, makes me feel silly. It's weird to lose a parent, yanno? A person who is your hero... you never know how to adapt to that. My mother didn't date/marry till 5 years after he died. And then married a man ... almost like him. (There's only one.)

I have been going through so much emotionally and haven't talked to anybody for very long about any of it.... for nine years... that same year I lost my dad, my first love/fiance and I broke up. The same one who's chest I cried on. Yes. A year after that he was engaged to be married and married a month later. Like it was nothing.

I finished school and six months after graduation I ran away moved to Michigan for man job thinking I'd found my Prince Charming. I was incredibly, incorrect. I stayed there for four years... two after my leaving PPC (pseudo prince charming). I spent those two years secretly wondering what would have happened with my first love had he just been a little more patient and honest. Which is why when I returned to the city it was only a few months before he called wanting to see me... I let him. I now know what would have happened... we would have dated in a non-marital union for near three years, conceived and birthed a sun and I would have left him because he was still the same patient, dishonest man.

I moved right back into love before I even had him off my couch. And not rebound shit... real love. Love you feel for someone because you sense they truly care about you... but true to form.. true to my nature, I didn't give myself that time. I didn't recognize the true damage that had been done because I am always so well put together. SO head strong... so strong-willed, so smart, so determined... never taking a time out for moi. And now I have exhausted her in love. To the point where I roll eyes to things that would normally make my heart melt.

To the point where I avoid calls because I don't feel like being bothered. But to someone who has shown me nothing but extreme love and respect. It's unfair really. To both of us. Him first, because he deserves someone who is just as lovey dovey as he.... and to me, because I feel robbed of my lovey dovey... something I once was so fluidly... for the wrong.fucking.people... and now it's too late. I need to stop running from the reality that I could use time to get it together. I didn't allow myself that much at all through my years here as an adult. I feel horrible. I don't know other ways to say it verbally... he so determined. Not realizing I SEE how great we are... but I don't want to damage anyone -- especially him -- the way I have been. So I am taking a step back... and praying to Jah he don't hate me for it. Pray to Jah that we'll come full circle like all things meant... but now is not time. RBG has some splaining to do... to herself.

If I could rewind the times, I would have told my Dad to get more than one opinion. I'da set "first love" free at the first discrepancy in our long-distance relationship... and things would be different. BUT if they were, I wouldn't have the greatest gift known to man.... I am FIRM believer in all things happening for reason... I rarely know the reason right away or soon after. But I am gonna get to the bottom... of me.

(Current) Thought Process... of a Gypsy.

I am rethinking a lot of things and purging a lot of stress and aggravation...
I have come across a great many revelations in the past several months since freedom...
I am ready for the rebirth of Sanni...
I have been holding back from myself... I have been scared.
I can't choose the way people act, live, love, treat me, respond, but I can choose how I RE-act.
I am battling the pros and cons...
I am sad at the mental state of others...
I am secure in myself.
I love hard... so it means something when I don't.
I re-need clarity. I am ))centering(( of self.
But can no longer be self... centered.
I meditate for peace...
I sit in the bask of The Sun for peace...
I am regaining spirituality where it counts...
I am a p u
z
z le...
I have all the pieces, but am still putting it together...
I have 9 months to figure it out...
That is when the childishness and fun of 20s can't be used as an excuse anymore...
I am making a way out of none.
I am not going to worry about toma...
I am going to start treating others how I would want to be treated...
... respected. Whether it hurts me or not...
I am righting wrongs... Whether it hurts you or not.
Taking responsibility for my actions...
Taking a time out...
No more flags on the play...
I am thinking...
I've been a good person, but there is always room for improvement.
"I was born under a wandering star"... Gypsy free. Gypsy me.

© 2009 CZS / RBG



image source: mary croppins... "gypsy" border